Resolving Family Conflicts

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    Conflicts With KidsIs It World War 3?

    Day to day incidents infamily life usuallyescalate into a terribleargument ending indeadlock. The parent andthe child reach a stagewhere they defend theirhurt feelings and their

    pride, more than focusingon resolving thesituation.

    IWANT

    TH!

    D

    "#$

    ID%N&T

    WAN

    TT%

    '

    %T%

    ("H%%)

    *%# A!

    #N+AI!DAD

    I WI))N%T!!!!!!

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    Why Is Deadlock SituationNot Good?

    !epeated deadloc situations severelyharm the parent-id relationship

    The focus becomes on

    defending pride and hurtfeelings rather than solving theproblem in hand

    The parent didn&t understand the situation. (chooproblems don&t always mean our ids misbehave. Whaif the teacher was incompetent or was an abuser

    The child didn&t learnanything useful. Neitherhow to deal with hisproblem nor how tomodify his behavior norhow to voice what hethins

    The childwill form

    harmful ruleand stereotypes aboulife. I have to be strongbullying is the solutionmy parents don&t carabout how I feel

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    Facts About Us !ur KidsKids are i""ature bein#s / they have feelings and

    logic, but they don&t now how to use them, and theydon&t have sufficient base of e0perience 1 nowledge tosupport their functioning

    Kids are not $lu# and $lay / %ur role as parents is toteach and coach them to be the best they can. We shouldnot e0pect them to now it all on their own / or assume

    that any poor performance is because they want tomisbehave

    We are not born kno% it all $arents / $arent-idsrelationship is one where the two parties learn and growtogether. Don&t ever assume that it is always the id who

    needs to change

    &hey are not us / %ur children are separatecreatures with different characters. We will never beable to mae them loo at things through our eyes andthin with our minds

    We $re$are the" for a future %e don't kno%Twenty years from now, life and worplace will never be awe now it. Ideologies and science of today will be obsoletby then. We should teach them values and sills that wihelp them be the best they can by then

    ()ery child is uni*ue and s$ecial in their o%n %ay/ nough said2

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    &he ("otional Char#e

    An emotion is lieelectrical current. Wedon&t see it, but we seeit&s effects lie operatinge3uipments and lights

    An emotion can be e0tremely powerful withsupreme influence on us. The emotional chargedoesn&t vanish or dissipate into space, it eepson accumulating inside of us, until we can no

    longer bear it. It transforms itself intoheadaches, an0iety, insomnia, or anger bursts.

    When we are fully charged with emotions, weare unable to use logic or proper thining. This is

    e0actly what happens in a deadloc situation.4oth the parent and the child escalateemotionally, and logic is left behind

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    &y$ical Children ("otionallyChar#in# Situations

    5id6 I lost my pen. I left on my des and went tothe bathroom, and didn&t find it when I came bac+arent, -ou are such a fool . &his is the thirdti"e you do that

    5id6 7y teacher sent me to detention today+arent, As usual/ you ha)e "isbeha)ed

    5id6 I don&t want cereal for breafast+arent, -ou should be thankful for the "eal on

    your table

    5id6 I hate grandmother+arent, Shut U$0 -ou %ill #o to hell and God%ill hate you for sayin# this

    5id6 I am tired and don&t want to go to school+arent, -ou sle$t enou#h/ you cant be tired

    5id6 I don&t want to wear the 8acet+arent, -ou cant be hot . I a" already feelin#

    cold/ you %ill %ear the 1acket

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    What Did We Do In &heseScenarios?

    We denied their right to have different feelings9lie the disagreement on the 8acet or aboutbeing tired:. Doesn&t this sometimes happen tous If yes, then why not them

    We 8umped into conclusions without listening tothe full story 9lie the teacher incident:. What ifthe teacher was abusive and our id had the rightto complain. Also the pen incident, the id mayhave a problem with concentration that needs

    treatment or another student is bullying him

    We didn&t help them with their struggles 9lie thegrandmother and the breafast e0amples:. Wedidn&t teach them how to manage negative feelingsand be socially tactful. We denied these feelingseven though we ourselves have some of them

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    (i#ht Don't Do's In AnInfla"ed Conflict

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    ;. Denyin# their e"otions,*ou are notsupposed to feel lie that / Don&t besilly / Don&t e0aggerate

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    ?. ("$athi8in# With

    !thers, I canunderstand why theteacher did this / I canimagine what yourcolleague was thining

    (i#ht Don't Do's In AnInfla"ed Conflict 6567

    @. +ity, %h my 'od222

    This happened inpublic *ou must befeeling miserable What a shame

    B. +sychoanalysis, *ou have problemsin the past that impact your present.*ou have character issues. *ou try tocompare your teacher and your

    grandmother

    C. 2la"e

    Sarcas", *ouhave destroyedmy dreams /(hame on you

    *ou are a loser / It is all yourfault / *ou are a

    disappointment

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    &hen What Do -ou Wants Us&o Do???

    ;. Acnowledge your id&s feelings

    . Help your id verbalie his-heremotions and give them names

    @. $rovide comfort and acceptance

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    W9A&????????

    DO YOU MEAN

    WE WILL NOTTEACH OR

    ADVICE ORINSTRUCT OR

    PUNISH????

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    Absolutely Not::

    *ou will do all of that / after you haveremoved the emotional charge

    %nly then, you will gain your child&sconfidence and will have a clearchannel for communication

    This will also give you space to thin ofhow best to deal with the situation /do we need further investigation / do

    we need behavior modification / whatdo I need to teach

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    What We Are Sayin# Is

    Don&t do the list of B Don&t Do&sWITHIN the inflamed situation

    Defer the rational fi0ing after youboth calm down

    Number ; 9Denying motions: is a don&tdo all the time. +eelings cannot beinvalidated. Denying them will notmae them go. %nly dealing with them

    and identifying what led to them iswhat helps

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    In Su""aryDon't let the day to day conflicts destroy your

    relationshi$ %ith your children0 If they don'tfind safety %ith you/ %here else are they #oin#to find it?

    -ou are their coach . you should $ro)ide the"

    %ith unconditional lo)e/ acce$tance and su$$ortDon't e)er do anythin# that "i#ht i"$act any othis::: Nothin# is %orth it

    (ncoura#e the" to be $art of the solution and

    %ork out thin#s under your su$er)ision0 +re$arethe" for a future that you ha)e no idea ho% it%ill look like:

    Absorbin# deadlock conflicts not only reduces

    the day to day tension/ but $a)es the road fora lon# ter" trust relationshi$0 ;eanin# if yourkid #et into serious trouble in his teen years orlater/ the first $erson he %ill refer to forsu$$ort %ill be one of "y $arents/ and not

    so"eone else0

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