SOUTH PARK-guion- Muere Hippie Muere

8/10/2019 SOUTH PARK-guion- Muere Hippie Muere

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"SOUTH PARK"

Episode 902

"DIE HIPPIE, DIE!"

Written by

Trey Parker

[An elderly woman's home. Cartman rings her doorbell,

and sheanswers it. Cartman is dressed in an orange hazmat suit

and is

carrying a tank of something on his back]

CARTMAN

Hello, ma'am. I'm working to clean up

the neighborhood from parasites. Do

you mind if I take a quick look around

your house? I'm afraid you may have

hippies.

ELDERLY WOMAN

Hippies?

CARTMAN

Yeah, they've been poppin' up all over

the neighborhood lately. Ms. Nelson

next door had seven hippies in her basement;

they usually live in colonies. Hm,

I don't like the sound of that. Could

I take a look in your attic?

[The attic. He opens the door and looks in. He gets out

a flashlight,

turns it on, and looks around again. He stops after a

few seconds.]

CARTMAN

Oh yeah, boy. Take a look at this, ma'am.

See that? Hippies.

ELDERLY WOMAN

Oh my.


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CARTMAN

These are what we call the uh giggling

stoners. Pretty common form of hippie,

usually found in the attics. Problem

is, if you see one hippie, there's probably

a whole lot more you're not seein'.Uh, whe-where's the backyard.

[The backyard. The elderly lady opens the door and

Cartman walks

out onto the back porch]

CARTMAN

Yep, that's what I thought. See that?

You've got a drum circle in your backyard.

ELDERLY WOMAN

Oh, well they showed up a few days ago,but I didn't think they were hurting

anything.

CARTMAN

Yeah. You know, I had a guy in Jackson

county. He had a little drum circle

in his backyard. It turned into a drum

circle four miles in diameter. You get

a few hippies playing drums and next

thing you know, you got yourself a colony.

ELDERLY WOMANOh dear.

[back inside the house]

ELDERLY WOMAN

Oh, well, so, so what do I do?

CARTMAN

Well, your attic could be so we can

fumigate with polymerethane. The drum

circle we're gonna have to gas. Goddamnit!

HIPPIE 1

Whoa, how did I get here? Man, I'm

so high.

CARTMAN

Goddamn hippie!

HIPPIE 1


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Whoa, dude!

CARTMAN

Get out of here!

HIPPIE 1

Not cool! What's up?!

CARTMAN

Ma'am, I need to clear out your giggling

stoners and your drum-cricle hippies

RIGHT NOW, or soon they're gonna attract

something much worse!

ELDERLY WOMAN

Ooooo.what's that?

CARTMAN

The college know-it-all hippies.

[The neighborhood, day. A red car pulls up to the curb.

On the

back window is a decal which says "University of

Colorado at

Boulder" Three men and three women step out of the car]

DRIVER

Wow, my friend Brittany was right.

This is a really laid-back place.

WOMAN 1

Yeah, this will be a great place tospend spring break.

KYLE

Hey, let's ask them.

STAN

All right. 'Scuse me. Hello, we are

selling magazine subscriptions for our

community youth program. Would you like

to help young people like us by purchasing

a subscription of your choice?

DRIVEROh wow, you guys shouldn't be doing

that. Don't you know what you're doing

to the world?

KYLE

Wha- whataya mean?

MAN 1


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You're playing into the corporate game!

See, the corporations are trying to

turn you into little Eichmanns so that

they can make money.

STAN

Who are the corporations?

WOMAN 2

The corporations run the entire world.

And now they fooled you into working

for them.

STAN

Are you serious?? We never heard that.

DRIVER

We just spent our first semester at

college. Our professors opened our eyes.The government is using its corporate

ties to make you sell magazines so they

can get rich.

KYLE

Ugh! Those dirty liars!

KENNY

(Sonofabitch!)

MAN 2

This is a really nice town you have

here. That's why the corporations aretrying to use you to take it down.

STAN

Well... Well what do we do?

DRIVER

Just hang with us for a bit. We'll fill

you in on everything you haven't been

told.

[Cartman's basement. He's gathered a bunch of hippies

in thereand one of them pounds the door to get out]

HIPPIE 2

It is time to let us out! I'm sending

your names! Open this door right now!

CARTMAN


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All right, in you go.

HIPPIE 2

What are you doing, man?!

HIPPIE 3

Let us out!

CARTMAN

Get back. Get back or you're all gonna

get maced!

HIPPIE 2

What's up, man?! You can't keep us down

here like this!

HIPPIE 4

What's wrong with you?!

CARTMANWhat's wrong is that there's more of

you showing up every day and I need

to find out why!

HIPPIE 5

What makes you think you could tell

us where to live?!

HIPPIE 6

This is a free country, man!

CARTMAN

Brah, I'm not gonna argue with you,all right? Just go with it.

HIPPIE 3

Just go with it? We've been down here

for days!

CARTMAN

And you're gonna be here a little longer,

brah, all right? Here, here's some joints

, and a guitar!

SINGER

What's goin' on in this world o'mine?

There's a whole lot of killin' in this world o'mine.

Somebody's gotta help this world o'mine...

[Stan's house, at about the same time. He's sitting at

the edge


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of the porch playing a guitar quietly. On his cap he

wears a

peace sign]

STAN

Sign, sign everywhere. Sign

Done something to my mind.

SHARON

Stan, sweetie, we're gonna go to the

mall. Do you wanna come?

STAN

Mom, the mall is a way for the corporate

fatcats to imprison you into a life

of servitude. I've got some stuff you

should read.

SHARONOkay, sweetie.

[City Hall, City Council meeting. Mayor McDaniels is

seated at

the head of a boardroom table, with leading citizens of

the town

sitting on either side.]

MAYOR MCDANIELS

All right, people, we can move onto

issue number 14B.

CHEFMayor, we have got to do somethin'

about all these potholes on our roads!

LINDA STOTCH

We don't have it in the budget to fix

them right now.

KYLE'S FATHER

We'll wish we spent the money when

we have a lawsuit on our hands.

CHEFWe-

GUARD

You can't go in there!

CARTMAN

Please, I have to talk to you all right

now!


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MAYOR MCDANIELS

Kid, we're have a city council meeting.

CARTMAN

Mayor, something very big is happening,and if you all don't give me a moment

of your time, there may be no more South

Park to council over!

RANDY

What are you talking about?

CARTMAN

I'm talking about the end of all life

as we know it. For the past several

days I've been... noticing a steep rise

in the number of hippies coming to town.

At first I thought maybe it was justa coincidence. Then I saw this...

Three new drum circles have sprouted

up here, here, and here. They're all

growing in diameter, at a rate of two

hippies per hour. What this means...

is that the hippies are conglomerating.

They'er thriving, if you will. I think

that they're setting up for a... . hippie

music festival.

LINDA

A what?

CARTMAN

Ti's, it's simple science. Look: When

hippies start to nest in a new area,

it draws other hippies in. With the

right weather conditions and topography,

it can lead to a music festival. One

that last for days, even weeks. Reggae

on the River, Woodstock, Burning Man,

they will all pale in comparison to

what we're looking at now. In my professional

opinion... I think we're looking at

a full-blown hippie jam festival the

size of which we've never seen.

MAYOR MCDANIELS

Kid, what the hell are you talking about?

CARTMAN

I know hippies. I've hated them all

my life. I've kept this town free of


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hippies on my own since I was five and

a half. But I can't contain them on

my own anymore. We have to do something,

fast!

COUNSELOR MACKEY

Uh, Eric, we're, we're talkin' aboutpotholes right now, m'kay.

CARTMAN

It's not potholes you need to worry

about. It's potheads. I know what these

people are capable of.

MAYOR MCDANIELS

Johnson, get him out of here.

CARTMAN

What are you doing?! You have to listen

to me! You can't sweep this problemunder the rug! The town is in serious

danger!

[A park in town. The college hippies sit at a table...

and on

it]

DRIVER

You see, the corporations take their

profits and invest it in the war machine

while keeping everyone blind.

STANRight, so how do we get back at them?

KYLE

Yeah, we're pissed off.

DRIVER

Well, so my idea was this: Let's have

like a weeklong music festival, draw

everyone here, and then together, we

can tear it all down. Whoa, what the

hell?!

CARTMAN

I knew you were trying to have a hippie

jam festival! All right, everyone pack

up your crap, we're going to our basement!

KYLE

Cartman, what the hell are you doing?!


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CARTMAN

Oh Jesus, not you guys? What happened?

Were you bit? Did you eat their brownies?

DID YOU EAT THEIR BROWNIES?!

STAN

NO!

CARTMAN

Listen, you're my friends, but if you've

been comprimised, I'll have no problem

taking you out! I'll expect the same

from you.

MAN 1

What is your problem? Get lost, little

Eichmann.

WOMAN 2

Oh my God!

MAN 2

What the hell are you doing?!

CARTMAN

Everybody get in a single-file line!

OFFICER BARBRADY

There you are!

CARTMAN

Ah, Officer Barbrady, you're just in

time. These college know-it-all hippies

were setting up for a music festival,

just as I predicted.

OFFICER BARBRADY

Eric Cartman, you are under arrest.

CARTMAN

What?

OFFICER BARBRADY

I was just over at your house and freed

sixty-three people you had locked in

your basement.

CARTMAN

You let them out?! Jesus, we have to

find them!


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OFFICER BARBRADY

Oh no, you're coming downtown!

CARTMAN

No! No, we have to stop them! You know

how we-?! We gotta stop them! Hebbiaaay!

DRIVER

Who was that?

[South Park Police Dept. Cartman is in jail, confused]

CARTMAN

What did I do?!

OFFICER BARBRADY

You can't kidnap people and lock them

in your basement.

CARTMAN

They're not people, they're HIPPIES!

MAYOR MCDANIELS.

Is this problem under control?

OFFICER BARBRADY

I handled it, Mayor. Gee whiz.

CARTMAN

Mayor! Mayor, I confirmed the data!The hippies are going to have a massive

jam band concert!

MAYOR MCDANIELS

I know. I signed the permit.

CARTMAN

You... You what?

MAYOR MCDANIELS

I signed a permit allowing them to have

their concert here. Their little "festival"

should pump some money into our economy.

CARTMAN

They're hippies! They don't HAVE any

money! Does the city council know about

this?!

MAYOR MCDANIELS


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They don't have to know. I can sign

whatever permit I want!

CARTMAN

You just SOLD OUT OUR TOWN! That kid

really needs some psychiatric help.

OFFICER BARBRADY

Yeah.

MAYOR MCDANIELS

All right, let's go.

CARTMAN

How much money is enough, Mayor?! How

many people's lives it it all worth?!

GODDAMNED HIPPIE!

[Breaking News]

ANNOUNCER

This is a South Park News special report!

ANCHORMAN

Thousands of people have descended on

South Park for a hippie music jam festival.

The event is said to be the largest

such gathering in the history of man.

MCAll right, welcome to Hippie Jam Fest

2005! Sooo great to see sooo many people

turn out to make an impact on on the

world!

STAN

Yeah!

KYLE

You said it!

MC

For too long, the corporations havebled the world of its love and resources!

It is time for us to get to work and

make the world a better place! And we'reg

onna start right now.

MAN 1

Oh man, I can't wait to see the look

on those little Eichmanns' faces when


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they hear this crunchy groove.

[The Marsh house. Sharon and Randy run into each other

in the

kitchen]

RANDY

Sharon, have, have you seen Stan?

SHARON

He went with his friends to that music

festival.

RANDY

Oh, Jesus, what has gotten into that

kid?!

SHARON

Now, Randy, we were the same way once,

too. Don't forget that we were bothconsidered hippies back in the '60s.

RANDY

Yeah, but when we did it we actually

stood for something. I mean, remember

Woodstock, Sharon? We actually did something

there.

[Flash back to Woodstock, 1969, a crowd scene quite

similar to

the current one. Randy jumps into view and yells like a

barbarian.Sharon jumps into view and they both dance around.

Sharon turns

and bares her tits and Randy dances so hard he gets

dizzy and

throws up.]

SHARON

You ate too much acid, man!

[Flash forward to the present. They consider how such

activity

would be seen these days...]

SHARON

...Oh my God. Our son is with those

people.

RANDY

S-stan. STAAAN!

[Breaking News]


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ANNOUNCER

This is South Park News!

ANCHORMAN

Fear and horror in South Park today

as the music festival continues to grow.They're arriving in droves and apparently

no end is in sight.

REPORTER

Tom, the crowd just keeps getting bigger

and the town is literally bursting at

the seams. We don't know where this

music festival came from, but, it's

very close to consuming us all.

[Butters' house. Linda and Steven hug each other before

the TV

as they watch the news brief.]

LINDA

Steven, what do we do?

[Kyle's house. Music is heard outside. Gerald opens the

door

and looks out to see hippies milling on his front lawn,

and screams.

A view from a long distance shows just how big the

crowd has

gotten, then another shot shows the heart of the

festival. Randy

is seen looking for his son]

RANDY

Stan?! Stan?! I need to get through,

please!

JIMBO

Randy! Randy, you've got to get out

of here! If they just trample this park,

we'll be trapped! It's too dangerous!

RANDY

My son is in there! Duh-uh! Stan?!Stan! Stan!

MALE HIPPIE

Heey, chill man. It's all good.

FEMALE HIPPIE

Have some water laced with acid.


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RANDY

Sta-ogh. Ugh!

[City Hall. The Mayor looks at the festival from her

office window.]

MAYOR MCDANIELS

What have I done?

MC

Yeah, South Park is now the hippie capital

of the world!

[South Park Police Department. Cartman relaxes in his

cell, having

nothing to do. He senses he's not alone and looks

towards the

cell door. The town's adults are on the other side.]

COUNSELOR MACKEY

Uh huh hi Eric, uh, how's it goin'?

CARTMAN

Great, I love crapping in a toilet

with no rim on it.

RANDY

Eric, you were right. About the hippies.

Could you... get rid of them for us

now?

CARTMAN

Let me guess: they've started a hippie

jam band music festival.

KYLE'S MOTHER

We we need to take care of them, Eric!

They're out of control!

CARTMAN

Forget it.

RANDY

Please. Some of our kids are in there.We should've listened to you earlier.

CHEF

Yeah. We apologise.

KYLE'S FATHER

Please. Don't let them ruin our town.


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CARTMAN

It's too late! Even if I did agree to

help, there's too many of them now!

COUNSELOR MACKEY

We know you can do it, Eric. You're

smart. Wha- why you're the smartest

kid in school, m'kay?

RANDY

We're just asking you to try. The whole

town even got together and, and baked

you a cake.

CARTMAN

Don't think that you can buy me with

presents! ...Unless of course it's thenew Tonka radio-controlled play bulldozer.

RANDY

It's yours.

CARTMAN

I want the batteries for it too. And

I get to drive it around in the school

parking lot.

PRINCIPAL VICTORIA

Fine.

JIMBO

Anything else?

CARTMAN

Yes. Kyle doesn't get to have one!

Ever! And he has to watch me drive mine

around the school parking lot and get

super-jealous!

KYLE'S MOTHER

Well, we can promise not to buy one

for Kyle, but we we can't make him watchyou play th- Oh yes! Fine! We'll force

Kyle to watch you.

CARTMAN

All right, fine. But now listen up and

listen good! I've never tried to get

rid of this many hippies before, so

I'm gonna need every resource this town


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has! And even if I don't succeed, and

it's a million-to-one shot that I will,

I still get the Tonka radio-controlled

bulldozer and get to play with it in

the school parking lot where Kyle has

to watch me and get super-jealous because

he doesn't have one! Are we clear?!

[The music festival, day 6. The crowd has grown so big

the camera

has to pull back a loooong way to get it all into view.

The boys

are again present with the college hippies. The band is

playing

reggae music.]

DRIVER

Wow, this band is so crunchy. Dude,

I need more weed.

STAN

So it seems like we have enough people

now. When do we start taking down the

corporations?

MAN 1

Yeah man, the corporations. Right now

they're raping the world for money!

KYLE

Yeah, so, where are they. Let's go get'em.

MAN 2

Right now we're proving we don't need

corporations. We don't need money. This

can become a commune where everyone

just helps each other.

MAN 1

Yeah, we'll have one guy who like, who

like, makes bread. A-and one guy who

like, l-looks out for other people's

safety.

STAN

You mean like a baker and a cop?

MAN 2

No no, can't you imagine a place where

people live together and like, provide

services for each other in exchange


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for their services?

KYLE

Yeah, it's called a town.

DRIVER

You kids just haven't been to collegeyet. But just you wait, this thing is

about to get HUGE.

[Park County Community Center, night. Cartman and the

adults

are meeting there. Cartman stands next to an easel with

various

pictures on a tabloid-size book]

CARTMAN

All right, everyone listen up! The hippie

jam band festival is now fourteen miles

in diameter and five hundred thousandhippies thick.

RANDY

My God...

CARTMAN

In less than three days, all of South

Park will be completely consumed. My

only hope is to fight our way to the

center of the crowd, and reach the heart,

here. If we can reach the stage, we

can upload this Slayer CD into their

music system. Hippies can't stand deathmetal. If everything works, they should

disperse just before they consume us

all.

JIMBO

Nice plan, kid, except there's one giant

flaw. That hippie crowd is massive!

How the hell are we supposed to get

through it and reach the stage?

CARTMAN

We drill. I've designed a vehicle that

can bore its way through even the densesthippie crowd. They pilots inside will

be safe from the pot smoke and the crappy

music outside.

STEVEN

Yuh... actually suggesting that somebody

drives right into the heart of that

mob?? It's a suicide mission!


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CARTMAN

Not just somebody. I need a complete

team to operate this vehicle. Along

with me I'm gonna need a scientest,

an engineer, and of course, a black

person who can sacrifice himself incase something goes wrong.

RANDY

I'm the... only scientist in town.

LINDA

I'm your engineer.

STEVEN

Honey, no!

LINDAI have to do it, Steven.

CARTMAN

All right, then we just need a black

person who can sacrifice himself in

case something goes wrong. Lessee,

anyone would do, anyone who meets the

qualifications, let's see... Oh, I

know. How about-

CHEF

Yeah, yeah! I get it! Fine!

STEVEN

I I can't believe we're actually listening

to this. This is a crazy plan!

RANDY

You got a better ides, Steven?! Damnit,

my son is in there!

CARTMAN

There's no more time for ideas! We have

to have this vehicle up and operational

in less than three days! Look, it's

a long shot! But it's also the onlyshot we- got.

[The music festival, day 6. The camera pans across the

site and

stops where the townsfolk stand around the vehicle]

[New report]


19/24

REPORTER

Tom, I'm standing in South Park, Colorado,

where a desparate attempt to save the

town is underway. Some call it a suicide

mission, but the heroic men and women

of the hippie digger may be our only

hope of survival.

RAMDU

Well I... guess this is it, Sharon.

SHARON

Please, save our boy, Randy.

LINDA

Butters, if anything happens to Mommy,

I, I want you to be a good boy.

BUTTERSAh I will, Mom.

CHEF

Now, now, don't cry, ladies. Everything's

gonna be fine.

CARTMAN

I... don't want you to worry about me,

Clyde Frog. Hey! You're the best stuffed

animal I've ever had.

KYLE'S MOTHER

Look out for yourselves!

MRS. GARRISON

Godspeed!

[Inside the digger]

CARTMAN

Primary engine running?

RANDY

Check.

CARTMANNavigation systems?

LINDA

Online

CARTMAN

Let's punch this baby. We're coming

up on the outer perimeter of the hippies.


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Hang on. Reaching hippie crowd. Hull

status?

RANDY

Vehicle shell holding!

[A command center nearby. Townsfolk mill around inside]

JIMBO

They're in!

TOWNSFOLK

All right! All right, yeah! We did it!

MAYOR MCDANIELS

All right, people, let's save it!

They still have a long way to go!

[The music festival. The boys are in front of the stage

sitting

on throw rugs. They're bored.]

STAN

All right, I can't take it anymore!

I'm getting on that stage!

KYLE

You're doing what?

GUARD

Hey, you can't go up there. Hoohoo,woo!

[Inside the digger]

CARTMAN

Switching to secondary fuel line. What's

that?

RANDY

The drill is getting too hot from all

the hippies.

[The command center nearby. Townsfolk mill aroundinside]

MAYOR MCDANIELS

What's happened?

COUNSELOR MACKEY

They, they s- they stopped. Somethin's

wrong.


21/24

STEVEN

Jesus... they're dead in the water.

[The music festival. The digger is dead. Stan

approaches the mic]

STAN

Uh, excuse me. Excuse me, can I have

your attention please? What are we doing?

It's been nine days! Doesn't it seem

like we should accomplish something?

A HIPPIE

We're using the power of rock and roll

to change the world! Woo!

STAN

Maybe instead of complaining about

corporations

being selfish, we should lookt at ourselves.

I mean, is there anything more selfish

than doing nothing but getting high

and listening to music all day long?

SINGER

He's right. It's time for all of us

to focus our energy and get this hippie

jam into full swing.

[Inside the digger, the crew tries to start it up

again.]

CARTMAN

Come on, come on!

LINDA

It's useless. The main power line has

been shut down.

RANDY

Somebody's gonna have to go outsideand activate the backup boosters.

CARTMAN

No, Chef, I'm not gonna let you go out

there!

CHEF


22/24

...I didn't volunteer!

CARTMAN

...All right, fine Chef, go!

CHEF

...Aw damnit!

[The command center nearby. The Mayor takes command]

MAYOR MCDANIELS

That's it. We're going to Plan B. Nuke

the crowd!

STEVEN

Goddamnit no! Y-you have to give them

more time!

[The music festival. Chef makes his way through the

crowd tothe booster switch and turns it on. The digger revs up

and zooms

towards the stage. Kyle seems to be saying something,

but what

it is we don't hear.]

STAN

Dude, these people have no idea what's

going on. Let's get out of here.

KYLE

We can't. Kenny just checked. There's

a wall of people like seven miles thickbehind us.

STAN

What?? You mean, we're stuck here listening

to this crap?

MAN 2

Hey, what happened to the tunes, man?

MAN 1

More tunes. More tunes!

LINDA

We made it, We made it!

CARTMAN

Hit the PA system NOW! Put me in the

main line!

RANDY


23/24

Which cord is it?

CARTMAN

You're the scientist, jackass!

RANDY

I'm a geologist!

LINDA

We don't have time to argue! They're

gonna nuke us!

RANDY

Nyugh!

CARTMAN

Put them in my laptop!

A HIPPIE

Oh man, not cool.

HIPPIE 3

This music is so angry.

MAN 2

This is killing my buzz.

MAN 1

Let's bail on this whole angry scene.

RANDY

It's working!

LINDA

What?

RANDY

It's, it's working!

[The command center.]

MRS. GARRISON

We did it! We did it!

[The music festival. Stan sees his father]

STAN

Dad!

RANDY

Stan!

CHEF


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I'm alive!

CARTMAN

Hold it right there, Kyle!

KYLE

Whoa, Cartman. We aren't gonna be hippiesanymore. Y-you don't have to kill us.

CARTMAN

Kill you? Oh no. I have much bigger

plans for you now.

[South Park Elementary's parking lot. Kyle sits on the

curb watching

Cartman play with his Tonka radio-controlled play

bulldozer.

Cartman has the scoop haul some rocks from one pile to

another]

CARTMAN

Hoho! Aw man, this is awesome! Weeeee!

Oh here, Kyle, you wanna play with

it a little while. Oh, psych! You don't

get to! Hehe. Oh, check it out! Cooool!

THE END

SOUTH PARK-guion- Muere Hippie Muere

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Transcript of SOUTH PARK-guion- Muere Hippie Muere