Pre Deployment Marriage Class
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Transcript of Pre Deployment Marriage Class
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Pre-Deployment Marriage SeminarCH(CPT) Keith J. Andrews
TF-Ram Chaplain29 NOV 07
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Pre-Deployment Marriage SeminarCH(CPT) Keith J. Andrews
TF-Ram Chaplain29 NOV 07
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Purpose• To Open the Door to Communication
Between the Spouses• To Assist the Couples in Preparing
For Deployment• To Encourage Couples that Hardships
Can Be Overcome• To Provide Resources for Increasing
Marriage Survivability
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
References• The Emotional Cycle of Deployment: A Military Family Perspective: U.S. Army Medical Department Journal. Apr-Jun
2001by LTC Simon H. Pincus, USA, MC, COL Robert House, USAR, MC, LTC (P) Joseph Christenson, USA, MC, and CAPT Lawrence E. Adler, MC, USNR-R
• The 7 Stages of Marriage by Sarí Harrar and Rita DeMaria, Ph.D. http://www.rd.com/channel/7-stages-of-marriage.• 50 Ways to Woo Your Lover. By Gregory J.P. Godek. http://www.rd.com/content/50-ways-to-woo-your-lover.• http://www.rand.org/pubs/monographs/2007/RAND_MG599.pdf Karney, B.R., & Crown. J.S. (2007). Families under
stress: An assessment of data, theory and research on marriage and divorce in the military. Santa Monica, CA: The RAND Corporation.
• RAND Study Finds Divorce Among Soldiers Has Not Spiked Higher Despite Stress Created By Battlefield Deployments http://www.rand.org/news/press/2007/04/12/index3.html
• Military Service and Marriage: A Review of ResearchNational Healthy Marriage Resource Center. http://www.healthymarriageinfo.org/docs/review_mmilitarylife.pdf
• One Day Redeployment Marriage Workshop. CH(CPT) Keith J. Andrews, 1-101 AVN. 2006.• Strengthening Marriages. 501st Special Troops Battalion,101st Airborne Division. CH(MAJ) Matthew Wysocki.• Improving Communication. PowerPoint Presentation. • Anger Management: A Solution Focused Approach. PowerPoint Presentation.• Speaking the Same Language: excerpts from The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. Love Is A Dance; Pre-
Deployment Marriage Seminar Presented to Families at Ft. Campbell, KY. 2005.• Rainey, Dennis (Editor). Preparing for Marriage:The Complete Guide To Help You Discover God’s Plan For A
Lifetime Of Love. Gospel Light, Venturea, California. 1997.• Strong Bonds: For the 101st Airborne Division and their loved ones. Copyright © PREP Educational Products, Inc.
2007.• PREP: The Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program. Copyright © PREP Educational Products, Inc. 1997• The Marriage Doctor(TM) Is In! Seven Stages of Marriage Interview Videos with co- author Dr. Rita DeMaria.
http://www.rd.com/channel/7-stages-of-marriage/ *Used quotes of Dr. Rita DeMaria,during the presentation of the Seven Stages.
• Marriage Today: What 1,001 Couples Report . http://www.rd.com/content/marriage-today-what-1001-couples-report/
• Chapman, Gary. The Five Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Northfield Publishing, Chicago, Illinois. 1995.
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Overview
• Seven Stages of Marriage• Deployment• Communication• Creating Intimacy• Recommended Resources
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Seven Stages of Marriage
Based on the book:The 7 Stages of MarriageLaughter, Intimacy and Passion: Today, Tomorrow, Forever. By Sarí Harrar and Rita DeMaria, Ph.D. Reader’s Digest. 2007. and http://www.rd.com/channel/7-stages-of-marriage
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
STAGE 1: PASSION
“Romance and Falling in Love”*
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
STAGE 2: REALIZATION
“Facing Everyday Reality of What it Means to be
Living Together”*
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
STAGE 3: REBELLION
“The Couple Begins to Ask Themselves; How much conflict are we having?
How is the conflict resolving? Is my general mood toward my partner one
of feeling good or one of frustration?”*
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
STAGE 4: COOPERATION
“Understanding that Marriage is a team effort”
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
STAGE 5: REUNION
“Focus returns back to the marriage.”*
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
STAGE 6: EXPLOSION
“Something Big is Happening”*
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
STAGE 7: COMPLETION
Trust, Fun, Passion, Blessing, Meaning,
and Purpose into your Marriage.
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
The Seven Stages of MarriageSTAGE 1: PASSIONSTAGE 2: REALIZATIONSTAGE 3: REBELLIONSTAGE 4: COOPERATIONSTAGE 5: REUNIONSTAGE 6: EXPLOSIONSTAGE 7: COMPLETION
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
The Seven Stages of MarriageSTAGE 1: PASSIONSTAGE 2: REALIZATIONSTAGE 3: REBELLIONSTAGE 4: COOPERATIONSTAGE 5: REUNIONSTAGE 6: EXPLOSIONSTAGE 7: COMPLETION
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Deployment
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
The Emotional Cycle of Deployment:
A Military Family Perspective
Adapted from Article Published in the Apr-Jun 2001 edition of U.S. Army Medical Department Journal.Time Adjusted from Six Month Model to 15 Month Model
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Pre-DeploymentTime frame: months prior to departure
Anticipation of loss vs denial Train-up/long hours away Getting affairs in order Mental/physical distance Arguments
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
DeploymentTime frame: first month
Mixed emotions/relief Disoriented/overwhelmed Numb, sad, alone Sleep difficulty Security issues
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Sustainment Time frame: months 2 thru 12
New routines established New sources of support Feel more in control Independence Confidence ("I can do this")
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Re-DeploymentTime frame: months 12 thru 15
Anticipation of homecoming Excitement Apprehension Burst of energy/"nesting" Difficulty making decisions
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Post-DeploymentTime frame: 3 to 6 months after deployment
Honeymoon period Loss of independence Need for "own" space Renegotiating routines Reintegrating into family
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Deployment
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Communication
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Authentic Communication
from Preparing for Marriage. P140
Authentic Communication is much more than just talking.
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Speaker/Listener Technique• Rules for Speaker
– Speak for yourself, don’t mind read– Keep statements brief, don’t go on and on– Stop to let others paraphrase
• Rules for the Listener– Paraphrase what you hear– Focus on speaker’s message. Don’t rebut
• Rules for Both– Speaker has the floor, keeps until
understood– Share the Floor
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Time Out
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
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Not a good time...We can bring up issues at any time, but the “listener” can say “this is not a good time.”
If the listener does not want to talk at that time, he or she takes responsibility for setting up a time to talk in the near future.
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PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Fun, Friendship, Sensuality, & Spirituality
Make time for the great things:• fun• friendship • sensuality• Spirituality
Agree to protect these times from conflict and the need to deal with issues.
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Creating Intimacy
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Speaking the Same Language
excerpts from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
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•WORDS OF AFFIRMATION
•QUALITY TIME
•RECEIVING GIFTS
•ACTS OF SERVICE
•PHYSICAL TOUCH
The Five Love Languages
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Discovering Your Primary Love Language
Basic questions to ask:• What do you request the most? • What makes you feel the most loved?• What hurts you deeply? • What do you desire most of all?
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PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Love Language #1:Words Of Affirmation
Compliments, words of encouragement, and requests rather than demands all affirm the self worth of your spouse.
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If your spouse’s love language is Acts of Service:
1. Make al list of all the requests your spouse has made of you over the past few weeks and do one as an expression of love.
2. Choose to do one act of service that your spouse has nagged about consistently.
3. Periodically ask your spouse, “If I could do one special act of service this week, what would you request?” If possible, do it.
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If your spouse’s love language is Words of Affirmation:
1. Remind yourself with 3x5 card by phone or computer that says “Words are Important! Words are Important! Words are Important!”
2. Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for a month.
3. Write a love letter, a love paragraph, or a love sentence to your spouse.
4. Look for your spouse’s strengths and tell her how much you appreciate those strengths.
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PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Love Language #2:Quality Time
Spending quality time together through sharing, listening, and participating in joint meaningful activities communicates that we truly care for and enjoy each other.
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
If your spouse’s love language is Quality Time:
1. Ask your spouse for a list of five activities that she would enjoy doing with you. Make plans to do one of them each month for the first months after your reunion.
2. Make time at least 3-4 times per week to share with each other some of the events (within OPSEC guidelines) of since the last call.
3. Have a “Let’s review our history” evening once a month. Set aside a call each month to focus on your history.
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts
Gifts are visual symbols of love, they demonstrate that you care, and they represent the value of the relationship.
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PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
If your spouse’s love language is Receiving Gifts:
1. Give your spouse a gift every day for one week. It need not be a special week, just any week.
2. Make a gift for your spouse. 3. Give your spouse a book and agree to read it yourself.
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
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Love Language #4:Acts of Service
Acts of service should be freely given and received, and completed as requested.
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Love Language #5:Physical Touch
Physical touch, as a gesture of love, reaches to the depths of our being. As a love language, it is a powerful form of communication from the smallest touch on the shoulder to the most passionate kiss.
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
If your spouse’s love language is Physical Touch:
1. As you walk from the car to the shopping mall, reach out and hold your spouse’s hand.
2. While your spouse is seated, walk up behind her and initiate a shoulder massage.
3. Initiate sex by giving your spouse a foot massage. 4. When family or friends are visiting, touch your spouse in
their presence.
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
What do I need to Hear in Iraq or at Home?
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Recommended Resources
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
You can get help and support!
For the SoldierFor the Soldier• Battle Buddy• Other soldiers• Friends• Other family
members • Chaplains• Chain of command• Counseling Services
For the SpouseFor the Spouse• Other family
members • Friends• FRG• Rear D• Chaplains• Church community• Counseling services
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Online Resources• Military One Source
– www.militaryonesource.com• My Army Life Too
– http://www.myarmylifetoo.com• Army vFRG
– https://www.armyfrg.org• Readers Digest: 7 Stages of Marriage
– http://www.rd.com/channel/7-stages-of-marriage/• Family Life
– http://www.familylife.com/• LovingYou.com
– http://www.lovingyou.com/
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
PRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAININGPRE-DEPLOYMENT MARRIAGE TRAINING
Helping Children Cope With Deployment
Online Resource withParent/Child Video
Parents Video
http://www.sesameworkshop.org/tlc/
Parents
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CH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAMCH(CPT) KEITH J. ANDREWS, TF-RAM UNIT MINISTRY TEAM
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Pre-Deployment Marriage SeminarCH(CPT) Keith J. Andrews
TF-Ram Chaplainwww.chaplainandrews.com