Levels of Communication in our Daily Lives

Validating

Personal

Superficial

Levels of Communication “SPV”

Communication reinforcing people’s

feelings about themselves.

Communication involving opening up and talking

about feelings, beliefs and opinions that mean something to you.

Communication making up the majority of our communication. Talking about the weather, home, school, food, etc.

Levels of Communication• Event

Superficial• Influence

Personal

• Personal Quality

Validating

• Compliment

Levels of Communication

Questions1. Can a relationship remain stable for an extended period of

time if they communicate in a superficial state? Why?2. Which levels of communication must a relationship strive

for in order to grow? Why?3. Which was more difficult to share in group? Events,

Influences, Personal qualities, Compliments. Why?4. What are some reactions that occurred in your group?

Explain why these occurred.5. Why is it more difficult to share personal qualities and

compliments.6. Why would you communicate superficially?

Reasons for keeping Communication Superficial:

• I may be hurt.• I don’t want to hurt their feelings.• They will misinterpret what I say.• They won’t be receptive• It will put our relationship at risk.• I will be out on a limb and won’t be

supported.

http://www.mnadr.state.mn.us/workplace/pdf/Keepcomm.pdf

What Validation Is• To validate someone's feelings is first to

accept someone's feelings. Next, it is to understand them, and finally it is to nurture them.

Basic Steps to Validation• Acknowledging the other person's feelings• Identifying the feelings• Offering to listen • Helping them label the feelings• Being there for them; remaining present

physically and emotionally• Feeling patient• Feeling accepting and non-judgmental

Communication Styles

• Touch• Hugging, holding hands, physically close

• Verbal• Sharing one’s feelings, listening, heart-to-

heart talks, caring words• Task

• Achievement, accomplishments, hard work, status, things

Destructive CommunicationDestructive Communication

BlamingBlaming InterruptingInterrupting

Endless FightingEndless Fighting Character AssassinationCharacter Assassination Calling in ReinforcementsCalling in Reinforcements

WithdrawalWithdrawal Need to be RightNeed to be Right

• Blaming – Shifting responsibility for your actions to some or something else.

• Interrupting – Talking over someone while they are talking or changing the subject to distract the conversation.

• Endless Fighting – Arguments that never end. Bring up the old issues that have nothing to do with what’s happening now.

• Character Assassination – Name calling, belittling comments about sensitive subjects, and insulting remarks. (Sarcasm)

• Calling In Reinforcements – Involves outsiders in your personal relationships and quarrels.

• Withdrawal – Withdrawing from a communication or avoiding conversations

• Need to be right – Not willing to look at the situation from another person’s point of view

Constructive CommunicationConstructive Communication

““I” MessagesI” Messages ClarityClarity TimingTiming

Asking QuestionsAsking Questions Reflective ListeningReflective Listening

Respect and ConsiderationRespect and Consideration Avoiding Intense AngerAvoiding Intense Anger

• “I” Messages – State the feelings and thoughts you are having at the time of communication. Lets others know how you feel without making people defensive.

• Clarity – Meaning what you say and then saying what you mean. Problem is interpretation. (Sarcasm)

• Timing – Select a good time to do your important communicating.

Asking Questions – People seldom say what they really mean the first time.

Reflective Listening –Where the listener mirrors back thoughts and/or feelings the speaker is experiencing. Purpose is to clarify.

Practice Sending “I”

Messages

1.Father wants to read the paper. Child keeps climbing on his lap. Father is irritated.

“You” message: “You shouldn’t ever interrupt someone when he is reading.”

“I” message: ______________________

2.Mother using vacuum cleaner. Child keeps pulling plug out of socket. Mother is in a hurry.

“You” message: “You’re being naughty.”

“I” message:______________________

3. Child comes to table with very dirty hands and face.

“You” message: “You’re not being a responsible big boy. That’s what a little baby might do.

“I” message: ___________________________

4. Child keeps postponing going to bed. Mother and Dad want to talk about a private problem of concern for them. Child keeps hanging around preventing them from talking.

“You” message: “You know it’s past your bedtime. You are just trying to annoy us. You need your sleep.”

“I” message:__________________________

5. Child pleads to be taken to a movie but he has not cleaned up his room for several days, a job he agreed to do.“You” message: “You don’t deserve going to a movie when you have been so inconsiderate and selfish.”“I” message: ___________________________

6. Child has been sulking and acting sad all day. Mother doesn’t know the reason.“You” message: “Come on now, stop this sulking. Either brighten up or you’ll have to go outside and sulk. You’re taking something too serious.”“I’ message: ___________________________

7. Child is playing the stereo so loud it is interfering with the parent’s conversation in the next room.

“You” message: “Can’t you be more considerate of others? Why do you play that stereo so loud?”

“I” message:___________________________

8. Child promised to iron napkins to be used for dinner party. During the day she dawdled, now it’s one hour before the guests arrive and she has not started the job.

“You” message: “You have fallen down on your job. How can you be so thoughtless and irresponsible?”

“I” message: _____________________________

1. Which type of communication do you feel we use most often? (Destructive/Constructive)

2. EXPLAIN YOUR ANSWER

Listening Blocks• I must defend my position.• I’m looking for an entrance into

the conversation.• I don’t have time to listen to

you.• I already know what you have

to say.• I know what you should do.

Active Listening• Open-ended questions

• Closed: Are you feeling bad today?

• Open: How are you feeling today?

• Reflection (paraphrasing)

Non-Verbal Communication• Kinesics refers to the study of non-verbal

communication.

• Kinesics accounts for approximately 55% of our communication.

• Kinesics is sometimes referred to as “Body Language”

• GIVE SOME BODY LANGUAGE CLUES YOU KNOW

Territory/Space Zones

• We all mark our own territory.

• Creating personal space limits

• Spreading coats, books, etc.

SpacePublic Zone

12’ and up

Social Zone

4’ – 12’

Personal Zone

18” – 4’

Intimate Zone

Touching – 18”