Hieromonk Nilus (Grigoriev)- Throughout My Life, i Am Learning to Walk in the Presence of God

7/28/2019 Hieromonk Nilus (Grigoriev)- Throughout My Life, i Am Learning to Walk in the Presence of God

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HIEROMONK NILUS (GRIGORIEV): THROUGHOUT MY LIFE, I AM LEARNINGTO WALK IN THE PRESENCE OF GOD

Hieromonk Nilus (before monasticism, Viktor Evgenievich Grigoriev) is one of the longesserving clergymen in Pskov diocesehe has been a pastor for over thirty years. Before that

he spent many years in the camps for political prisoners. Having received the monastictonsure in Sretensky Monastery, he is immortalized as one of the heroes of ArchimandriteTikhons popular book,Everyday Saints. During one of his visits to Moscow Fr. Nilus agreed totell us a little about his life and service as a priest.

Fr. Nilus, tell us about your life before monasticism.

I was born in 1948 on the feast of the Nativity of the Mother of God, September 21. Only ayear later was my grandmother able to have me baptized in the town of Staraya Russa

because I was a sickly infant.

My grandmother, whose name was Barbara, was a deeply religious woman. When my brotheand I were little and would be falling asleep, she would kneel and pray before the icons. Whenwe would wake up, grandma would still be on her knees. We would often ask, grandma, didyou go to sleep? and she would reply that she had slept and was just getting up. Grandmhad a very beautiful prayer corner, and she always burned three votive lamps before it in thname of the Holy Trinity.

Well, this light from the votive lamps illuminated my whole life. I especially fondly remembea little icon-statue of St. Nilus of Stolbenskit was wooden and very old, so handled thathe paint had worn away and the wood was completely exposed. Nevertheless, this little

statue was remarkably beautiful in the light of the lamps.

Grandma often read the famous Trinity pages to me,[1] and I saved those pages for manyears, some of which were published by the holy hierarch St. Hilarion (Troitsky)about StSergius of Radonezh, St. Seraphim of Sarov, and St. Nilus of Stolbensk.

At age eighteen I began to think about the priesthood, but life was very different then, and sI first became a sailor in Cherson. I sailed the sea on yachts such as the famous Comradeas a bosun, after finishing nautical school.
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The sea is always living and inimitable, just like the spiritual lifealways living. It is not ivain that human life is often called the sea of life. My faith became stronger at sea.

I lived in the town of Parfino, eighteen kilometers from Starary Russa, until I was sixteenThere was a strong dissident faction there, and we grew up in that milieu; this was the 101skilometer from the larger city.[2]

In the 1950s there lived in Staraya Russa a priest, Fr. Vasily, who served in the Church of StGeorge. He was about ninety years old, and all the older people would come to him foconfession. There was also Archimandrite Isidore, the future Metropolitan of Kuban anKrasnodar.

Out of all those who were imprisoned in those days, I especially recall my uncle Leonid Mosinwho was taken captive by the Germans and then to the army of General Vlasov, from whichhe made three attempts to escape but succeeded only on the third try. He then served in thepunitive battalion and helped free Berlin. At the end of the war, despite his military valor, hewas imprisoned once again for ten years for having been taken captive. Grandma Parascevawho witnessed the hanging of her husband and son by Germans, was a partisan. She wastaken captive to the Treblinka concentration camp, then to Buchenwald, and was finally freeby our forces in Auschwitz. At the end of the war she was sent to the Soviet filtration camps

and returned home by a miracle. Old Bolsheviks who suffered under the Soviet regime as weas Vlasov army officers who had been prisoners of war also lived in Staraya Russa.

When I served in the army in Valdai, a nationalistic fight arose among the Ukrainians. I welknew about the nationalist movement in the Ukraine and so I began to talk with them andexplain things. As a result their enmity ceased and they became close friends, but thmilitary police turned me in for political activity that was not regulated by the komsomobylaws. I was arrested in just a few days. This was in April of 1968. At the end of April escaped with the intention of going west to Paris and there entering the theological institute. was arrested again during my attempt to cross the border on May 8. I was in MoscowsLefortovo prison for a year, almost all of it in solitary confinement. I was twenty at the timeAt the conclusion of one of my interrogations, two officers said to each other, If we had no

already lived so many years we would have followed in his footsteps. That kid is winning uover; its dangerous to interrogate him. They gave me seven years of prison as a politicaprisoner.

What were the subjects of the interrogations?

The subjects were: faith, the state of the regime, revolution, the murder of the royal familyand other things. I was given the option of denying my convictions, but I categoricallrefused.

We had political prison camps then, and I was sent to Yavas in Mordovia. There were a

thousand of us in the eleventh zone. By winter the eleventh zone had been restructured, witpeople sent here and there to other zones. In Yavas, where we were taken first, there was stila trench dug out by a bulldozer, and next to it stood a so-called untouchable bulldozewhich was supposed to bury the prisoners who would be shot under Khrushchevs secreorders when the time came.

In the village of Barashevo which surrounded the third zone there was a half t shapedtrench where the children of the enemies of the people were executedthere were 25thousand people buried in itand in another trench parallel to the first were buried 2thousand clergy and ecclesiastical workers. The elderly commissar of the Dubrav camp told


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us about this. Young pine trees grew on these mass graves.

Did you ever meet with any religious believers in those places?

In the village of Barashevo (this was from 197072) an Orthodox community arose aroundus. We would continually gather and pray. There was a bath house built there in the shape oa half t by German prisoners of war, and we would meet for prayer in the inner cornerSometimes five or six people would come, up to fifteen on feast days. I remember ValeryZaitsev, a former sea diver; Victor Chesnokov, a Kuban Cossack; Sasha Udodov, a militaryhistorian who studied military arts of Russia from ancient times to the present. After hirelease he left for Norway; Evgeny Vagin, who died in Italy two years ago, and who had beenpart of a group of Leningrad Christian Democrats led by Igor Ogurtsov; Michael YukhanovichSado, from the same groupan exceedingly noble Assyrian who later taught ancient Hebrewand church architecture in the St. Petersburg Theological Academy. At his recommendation, audited lectures at the academy, including those of the current Patriarch Kirill who was deaof the academy at the time. I remember also Viacheslav Platonov, an oriental studies scholaPeter Savvich was an active participant of our community. At age fifteen he was taken out othe country to Berlin, from Suma province to Dresden, where he helped put out the fires aftethe American firebomb attack, and was subsequently arrested for this in 1945 by the NKVDAndrei Donatovich Sinyavsky was also imprisoned with us. He was a literary scholar, and in1972 he was sent to Paris without having been given an opportunity to change his prisonclothes. His wife, Maria Rosanova, the daughter of the famous philosopher, gave him civilianclothes in Paris.

There were also old priests there: Hieromonk George from the catacomb Karlovac Church. Hwas one of the young priests of his time who served in Chita and refused to cooperate witthe communist organs. How did we serve? Nothing was allowedno Bibles, or anything

There was a deacon there who knew the order of services by heart and we took them dowfrom him, but because he was afraid to go to the services, Father Boris delegated the readinof them to us. I would also read part of the litanies. Father, after all, the rules do not allowit! No, no, he would answer, You are going to be a priest, so say them without fear. Insuch extreme situations a person shows his true colors and therefore batiushka saw clearly

and spoke plainly. Father George, who had spent thirty years in prison, also treated me as hwould a priest. There was also blessed Emilyanushka, and Father Boris Zalivako.

They say that those who lived through the terrible Solovki concentration campand other prison camps felt special help from God. Have you had any personaexperience of an awareness of the Lords nearness?

One feels the presence of God and His grace-filled help continually. Once I was shut up inpunitive isolation for fifteen days. The walls were coated with ice. When they took me there was wearing old fake leather slippers without socks, cotton pants, and a jacket. They shoveyou into this freezer about 2.5 x 1.2 meters in size. Inside is a concrete and metal little stumthat you can sit on for a short time. There were bunks in the isolation chamber that wer

made of oak, but it was impossible to sleep on them; if they had been made of aspen youcould have laid down on them but oak does not get warm. We had to sleep standing up ositting. We were fed every other day. For lunch we were given a mug of hot water and watergruel, for dinnernothing, for breakfast a mug of water and 250 grams of bread. Of coursewe would walk around just to warm ourselves a little, and pray. The guards would take a looat us every now and then to see if we were still alive. I began to feel sorry for my overseersand said to one of them, Why did they put you here, Andriusha? As for me, I know why I amhereI am guilty before the state. But what did you do? You are imprisoned just like me; theonly difference is that you are you have a coat, your clothes and shoes are warmer, you eabetter, but that is the only difference. Your soul is just as shackled.


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That lad was of Cossack stock. On the last day he opened the door, took out some foodhhad brought me some fresh herring and some tea. Only eat it in front of me, he said. But knew better than to torment myself with herring, because salted fish in a jail cell meanexcruciating thirst. But he said, I am on duty today and I will provide you with tea. It is justhat I dont have anything else or I would give it to you. We sat there and talked all night. Hsaid, This is my last nightI leave tomorrow. I have no more strength to stay. I thought anthought about it. I can see why you are here, but why should I be here with you?

The second time they gave me forty-five days. They didnt have the right to give it to me a

at onceonly fifteen were allowed. So here is what they didthey took me out for a half anhour, and then gave me another fifteen day sentence, and that is how they got forty-five

True, the first time I came out I was holding on to the walls but I was on my own two feet. Buthe second time they took me out on a stretcher, to the morgue. My body couldnt handle it. saw from the other world how they picked me up, shook me, and then carried me away. Thhead of the sanitation department was a Jewish woman, a major. She saw me and askedWho are you carrying? Just a goner from the cooler, hes kicked the bucket. Wait just aminute, she said.

This was my second experience of death, in which I heard the voice of God. Send him backhe has to serve a while more, and then I came to. I looked and saw the Mother of Godleaning over me, and then the head of the sanitation department ordered, Take him back tothe hospital, to my wing. She worked in the surgical wing. She kept me for three weeks inthe camp hospital. Before I was released she spoke with the chief administrator. I wont leyou kill this boy, she declared.

I worked in that camp for two yearsI chopped wood. The convoys would bring the logs anwe would saw them with a circular saw. The plan was five cubic meters per day. Later I took fancy to the welding machines in the mechanics shop and asked to be transferred there, andso I was. After working in that shop I began to study machinery and kinetics. This was easfor me because I always loved reading books, even since childhood. Bookstores are still myfavorite places. Our school library was a good one, and I had read everything in it by seventgrade. There wasnt a single book there that I had not read.

That is why it was so easy for me, and I soon picked it up and passed an examination with thchief engineer, who immediately assigned me to the third level. Later I maintained sixspindled German machinesthere was an automated assembly lineand then I had to set ua rolling mill. That is how I gradually got used to camp machinery.

After I was released I worked as a mechanical technician at a factory, and then entered thetechnical institute. But I wasnt able to continue my studies there because I had to eat, andmy stipend was too small. I started working during the day and studying in the evening.

On Saturdays and Sundays a journalism docent from Leningrad University would come and

teach us photojournalism. We did photo reportage for literary texts. It was all very interestingto me, and so I began to get into cinematography and photography, studying these subjectas an extern.

In what year were you ordained?


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Archimandrite Agathangel (Dogadin)This year, 2012, is my thirty-first year as a clergymen. I was ordained a deacon in 1981 onthe feast of the Archangel Michael, and in 1985, on the feast of all the saints of Russia andMt. Athos, I was ordained a priest.

Archimandrite Agathangel (Dogadin) from the church of St. Phillip in Novgorod, my fatheconfessor, said, Stop your worldly affairs and go to a monastery. That year, mgrandmother Barbara died. Fr. Agathangel sent me to Zhirovetzy Monastery. [3] Thus I lefeverythingthe institute and a new, comfortable apartment, and went to Zhirovetzy.

At that time in Zhirovetzy the abbot was Archimandrite Constantine (Khomich), and the deawas Archimandrite Athanasius (Kudiuk). But the Cheka did not allow them to accept meArchimandrite Athanasius was friends with Archimandrite Leonid, the abbot of the Holy SpiriMonastery in Vilnius; that is how I ended up in Vilnius. There Fr. Leonid came to me on thesecond day and said, They (the KGB) want nothing to do with you.

After that I headed for Pechory, to Fr. Gabriel [Archimandrite Gabriel (Stebliuchenko)theabbot of the Pskov-Caves Monastery from 1975 to 1988.Ed.], but they would not let me staythere either. The abbot gave me back my identification documents, some money for the roadand told me to go to the bishop. I went to Fr. John (Krestiankin) and he said to me, Go toVladyka [the bishop]. I went to Bishop John [(Razumov) (18981990), Metropolitan of Pskovand Porkhov.Ed.] and he said to me, Son, go again to Fr. Agathangel since you considehim your spiritual director. We have a priest here named Fr. Panteleimon, in Melnitsy, and iyour spiritual director so blesses you, then go to help Fr. Panteleimon. I went to FAgathangel and explained the situation to him. This was in 1980, the year Moscow hosted thOlympics. Fr. Agathangel sent me to Melnitsy to help Fr. Panteleimon.

I ended up in the village of Melnitsy, to serve the church of the Archangel Michael, whereIgumen Panteleimon received me in the capacity of guard and psalm reader. Fr. Panteleimonwas an energetic man; he remodeled the church in Borisov which was falling into ruins, andthen began serving in Melnitsy. I stayed with him there for a year. Just the same, I did not seeany point in staying with Fr. Panteleimon. I went back to Fr. John and said, Father, yo

yourself know that he is illiteratehe makes mistakes when he reads the Gospels. When I trto explain something to him he says, You want to teach me? I asked Fr. John if I could go tFr. Boris in Tolbitsy. Alright, he said, I will talk with the bishop, said Fr. John. The bisholistened and said, In fact you are needed in Tolbitsy. Fr. Boris had also been in prison for sixyearshe was sentenced before the war (193743). In 1937, when the authorities arrestedeveryone in the parish in the town of Ostrov in Pskov province, where he served as a deaconhe was the only one who was savedhis wife saved him.

Fr. Boris was an invalid and so he was sent to the invalid zone in Vladimir provincehe washalf blind. When he was just a child he led a blind priest from the military administration tthe church of the Holy Myrrh-Bearers in Pskov. His mother was a famous esser, [4] and sh


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did not want him to be helping any priests. She called him a popovskoe otrodie or priestsspawn and hit him so hard on the back of the head that he lost his sight, remaining 50%blind.

After Fr. Boriss arrest, his wife Maria sold their house in the town of Ostrov and used themoney to go to the village where Fr. Boris was imprisoned. She bought a log bathhouse andturned it into a residence, obtained two goats, and revived Fr. Boris with their milk. Thank tothis he survived.

After Fr. Johns intercession, the bishop sent me to Fr. Boris. On the feast of the Three HolyHierarchs I was transferred to Tolbitsy. I served with Fr. Boris for four years; Fr. Nichola(Guryanov) served not far from there. I felt good there; it is a blessed placewhenever anyproblems came up I could run to Fr. Nicholas for a speedy resolution.

What do you remember about Fr. Raphael (Ogorodnikov)?

Hieromonk Raphael (Ogorodnikov).

I met Fr. Raphael in 1980. Fr. Panteleimon would sometimes go to the Crimea for treatmenof his illnesses. His condition would get better after these treatments. I remember once iDecember, on the feast of the Great Martyr Barbara, we were serving togetherI was apsalm reader at the time. Fr. Raphael was appointed on the feast of St. Nicholas, and that iswhen we met. I looked, and they had arrived in the Zaporozhets that he and Fr. Nikita hadbought together. We greeted each other, and I asked him, Are you from Pechory? and theyanswered, Yes. We prayed in the church, and then I took them into my cell. Fr. Raphae

asked me, Have you been visited here by temptations? I answered that temptations neveleave a person. Fr. Raphaels brother was in prison, and Fr. Nikita had been kicked out by hisfamily when he was a child, and had been raised in a monastery since the age of sevenWhen he was thirteen he left for Borovik to join Hieromonk Dositheus, who raised him until hwas called into the army, and after the army he came to Archimandrite Alypius in PskovCaves Monastery. Fr. Raphael was Fr. Nikitas spiritual director, whom he trusted and obeyeuncompromisingly. Fr. Raphael was a truly great man, and people trusted him. He was a wiseman, from whom much could be learned.

Wisdom and humility, eagerness for obediencethese were Fr. Raphaels qualities. Once young boy came up to him and said, Dont eat any eggs today, father. Fr. Raphael waalways seeking some excuse to be obedient, and it was Tuesday, not a fast day, but hnevertheless heeded the words of this ordinary little boy. The women who worked in thekitchen later said that the eggs were spoiled that day. This constant yearning for obediencealways helped Fr. Raphael through many situations in life.

What is an elder?

I remember a conversation I had with Fr. John (Krestiankin), who said that elders are givenby God. Eldership is a gift of God, and it is only given when there are those who will listenand obey the direction given to them through the elders. However, man is full of infirmitiesfor instance, he will ask for a blessing from someone, then another, a third, a fifth, a tenth


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and so on But he doesnt fulfill any of this advice. The Lord will correct such a foolish manbecause he takes too much upon himself out of his foolishness. The ancient fathers wouldsay, if you have chosen an elder for yourself, stay with him to the end.

One woman asked me to bless her to make prostrations and pray the Jesus prayer. Before shemet me she had practiced a purely monastic prayer rule. I asked her, Are you a nun? Shereplied, No, I am only planning to be one. Maybe Fr. Raphael will tonsure me. That oftenhappened in Soviet timesnuns would be tonsured in parishes. Well, if you want to practicthe Jesus prayer: say the prayer once in the morning with a prostration, once at noontime

with a prostration, and once in the evening. She said, Are you making fun of me? What dyou take me for? I am not taking you for anything. God bless youif you can fulfill thisobedience then come back in a month. A month later she returned, weeping. Please forgivme for getting angry with you. I cant do itwhenever I only think about having to makprostrations ever fiber in me rises up against it, and I cant. Well, youve taken the path oexperience and seen that you cant do it. What if you take monastic vowsthen what will yodo? Then you will have to fulfill the rule whether you want to or not, I answered her.

Fr. Nilus, did you know Fr. Dositheus?

I visited him several times. I remember how Fr. John talked about Fr. Dositheus. He said tha

he was one of the last great pillars, who emulated the ancient holy fathers. His cell was madof logs. At times he would get sick but he would not heat the stovehe would just wraphimself in rags and lie there. After the illness had subsided he would rise and heat the stovePeople would come to Fr. Dositheus but he would just continue with his life, not sayinganything in particular, only going on with his work. When the time would come for prayer, hewould stand by the analogion, open his prayer book, horologion, or Ochtoechos, and begin tpray. The visitors would pray with him.

I remember one Great Lent when he fell sick and the doctor pronounced a death sentenceThats it fatherin two months order some boards and make yourself a coffin. Fr. Dositheusclosed his doors and went into reclusion, not opening up to anyone. He came out only onPascha to the church where Fr. Nikita served, and his face was pure and white. Fr. Nikita said

later, I didnt recognize him. How could that be? Didnt he raise you, feed you? I said tohim. He had changed so drastically, had become such a luminous man, replied Fr. Nikitathat I did not recognize him. Fr. Dositheus had a favorite icon of a golden-haired angel, andhe began to resemble that angel.

He lived two more years and died on Pascha, when his boat capsized. They served FDositheuss funeral using the Paschal rite on Bright Thursday. They brought him into themonastery amidst the ringing of the Paschal bells. What an honor he was vouchsafedto dieon Pascha! He had received Holy Communion from Fr. Nikita at the Pascal services. FDositheus was a remarkable monk

Fr. Nilus, you have been serving for twenty years now in the most remote parishin Pskov diocese, in the village of Krasikovshchina. Tell us about your parish lifeand how you built it.

There is almost no one left the parish. The light burns in only six houses. On the New Yeagrandchildren come to see their grandmas and relatives, but otherwise you see people theronly rarely. The squealing of children isnt even heard in the summertime. Two or three oldladies are left. They have even closed the store; there is no grocery store, no wateronlyelderly people ambling around.

But when I arrived there twenty years ago there were fifty people, and they would put fifty


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privately owned cows to pasture each day. Then everything went to rack and ruin, the stableswere closed, and now the village has no cows at all.

Very few parishioners are left. Over the last twenty years I committed the whole parish to thearth.

But when I served in the village of Tolbitsa (19811984), I had three cats, a dog, and six ratliving in my house. When I would rise in the morning for prayer, turn the pages of my servicebooks, animals would begin a lively conversation. I would say to them, Silence! They wouldsit in one position as if hypnotized, no one making a motion. They would sit quietly until finished reading the Octoechos, but as soon as I would close the book they would squeal for iwas time to be fed. There were about ten snakes living on my porch. I had a cat that would flyat themI would look and the snakes would all be headless.

If you ever have to live in the desert or the forest, dont be afraid. When we were walking inthe mountainsI used to be a mountain climberI once had to crawl along a slope, and therewas a Levantine viper on the rocks with which I found myself face to face. It raised its headand looked at me. When this happens you must not make a move, not even a wink. It lookeat me and lowered, but it was in a combative position. But if I had made a move it would havleapt at me then and there. I had to wait until crawled down from the rock. The main thing i

not to be afraid, and then nothing will happen. It is the same with bears and wolves. But themost basic thing is that all of nature feels God; this is directly connected with Gods graceand when a person is filled with prayer, the animals feel it.

Fr. Nilus, how have you taken care of your parishioners? How did you help themto stand for their faith? After all, those were difficult times.

The thing is that we try to teach with words, but parishioners learn by examplethey lookat how you live. For instance, they bring food offerings to the services for the dead and lookto see whether I take them or not. The priests in the towns would take them and so did Ionmy way to Pechory I would take them to the childrens home. But what could I do with themin Krasikovshchina? It would all go bad. I told my church warden, a humble woman (we doneven have a church council now), Parasceva, tell the ladies to take the offerings hombecause I dont need anything. I could hear a rustling and then everything was gone. Mymistake was that when they would go to services at the neighboring parish, they would say toFr. George, Our priest doesnt take anything but you take it all. Are you selling our candy?When I saw Fr. George he laughed and told me how his grandmas would criticize him. I saidTell them openly that you take it all to the childrens home. After this they said to meFather, Fr. George told us that he takes the offerings to the childrens home. Why dont youdo that? I dont have anything to take, you take it all. Well, you tell us not to takeanything and we wont. I protested that I dont have any way to take it there but they saidlater, Now you have a cartake the offerings.
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So then I had to start taking all the candy from the services for the dead to the childrenhome. There the little children would meet me joyfully. Oh, father has come! These are littletots, three or four years old, Gods angels, little wonders. In order to cultivate a Christianspirit in them I would read to them the teachings of St. Theophan the Recluse, or the letterof Fr. John Krestiankin. Sometimes I would stop and tell them something from life. Priestrarely came to them.

Fr. Nilus's flock.

My parish in Krasikovshchina is a heavy cross for a priest. I remember Fr. Valentin who servedin this parish. He is a great ascetic. He was able to serve there for only three years, aftewhich he left for Kamno, a good parish. Fr. Valentin asked the bishop to transfer him there sthat he could serve at the grave of his son, who drowned at age thirteen in Pskov Lake.

After his death his wife took monastic vows in Diveyevo Convent, and later becamSchemanun Maria. (She has already reposed.)

Tell us about your earlier parishes.

I remember when I was serving in Khokhlovy Hills, Porkhov region (19851989). We had jusfinished restoring the church. It was autumn, and the regional authorities came tinvestigate. They walked around clattering their teeth, and then said to me, It would havebeen better for you to give that money to the peace fund. I replied, I do give you the moneyfor the peace fund. Enough for a bottlehave a drink and youll be at peace. One said, Hean idiot. But the second one said, Maybe hes an idiot, but look what hes accomplishedthe church is new. Of course, the church was always tidythe iconostasis was cleaned angleamed with gold. During those four years we worked from sun up to sun down, sleeping twor three hours a night.

In the second church in the village of Pavakh (1990) I had to replace the roof. MetropolitanVladimir rewarded me for that labor with a blessing to wear a scufia.
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Krasikovshchina.

Then Metropolitan Vladimir sent me to the parish in Krasikovshchina, where there are twchurches that were ruined even before the war. In the 1930s, activists destroyed thiconostasis, and burned the icons right on the church porch. It is terrible to recall thosegodless times.

The rector of the church of the Nativity of Christ in Krasikovshchina, Fr. Vladimir was arrestealong with his family after a denunciation by the local inhabitants in 1937. He was executedin St. Petersburg, and his family was drowned on a barge. After Fr. Vladimirs death only onechurch was left open there, the church of the Nativity of Christ. The second is still in ruins.

Three years ago I served a funeral for the last old lady who signed a denunciation to thCheka against Fr. Mikhail Elagin, who was the rector of the Church of the Nativity of Chris

after the war. Thanks to this old lady that priest spent ten years in a prison camp in VorkutaBut good for hershe repented. When she came to me during Great Lent I asked her, Mariawhere will you go with that unrepented load? You could die any day. She broke into tears andsaid, I repent, and have repented all my life. When Fr. Mikhail comes I hide, I lock myself uat home, because I am ashamed to see him. I replied, This time when Fr. Mikhail comes ashis forgiveness. After Pascha, on the feast of Pentecost, when Fr. Mikhail came Maria went tohim and asked his forgiveness. Fr. Mikhail could have guessed who wrote the denunciationHe truly forgave her, kissed her, and said, Mashenka, be at peace, I have forgiven you.Glory be to God, her soul departed clean, without that sinful burden. Fr. Mikhail also departein tears. One day he came to me and wept. I asked him what he was weeping about. FrMikhail was feeling that the time of his death was near. Well, father, I have to depart soon. said, This is ordinary business for us, father. With all the dead we have buried, what do wehave to fear? No, he said, I am not afraid of death, but of sins. Go ahead and tell methe sins you can remember. We confessed each other. Fr. Mikhail departed this life quietlyand peacefully. He was buried next to his wife in the graveyard at the Church of the HolMyrrh Bearers in Pskov.

When did you meet Fr. Tikhon [Archimandrite Tikhon (Shevkunov), abbot of theMoscow Sretensky Monastery.]

My meeting with the future Fr. Tikhon was interesting. Fr. Raphael, Fr. Nikita, and I were athe homestead in Logu in the museum of the writer Altaeva, which I was visiting for the firstime. There we met Fr. Tikhon. He had a movie camera with him, and was filming some

interesting compositions. I asked, Who is that? They answered that it was GeorgiAlexandrovich Shevkunov, a student from the Cinematography Institute, a spiritual son of Fr

John (Krestiankin), and Fr. Raphaels very close assistant. We introduced ourselves. He was sociable, open-hearted person who was in his third year of study. I also had at that time asmall, eight millimeter camera. He looked at me with such surprise; he had a serious cameraand he asked me, Father, what are you going to do with that? You are filming and I also liketo film. But where will you have it developed? Ill have it developed somehow. But didnt develop anything. Only a few pictures of Fr. Nikita are left.

Tell us about your monastic tonsure. Why did so many years pass before you
http://www.pravoslavie.ru/sas/image/100575/57516.b.jpg?0.549070564492711http://www.pravoslavie.ru/sas/image/100575/57516.b.jpg?0.549070564492711http://www.pravoslavie.ru/sas/image/100575/57516.b.jpg?0.549070564492711


11/11

finally made that decision?

The Lord has led me all my life, from childhood, even infancy, to the angelic field. Buapparently it pleased God to have me take that step with full responsibility, understandingand spiritual insight into the meaning of monastic life. From the moment of my tonsure mylife changed abruptly. After the bishop signed the order for my tonsure, I went to my fatheconfessor Archimandrite Tikhon, who then performed this great Mystery. Here, in SretenskyMonastery, I was born as a monk. I am learning spiritual warfare, spiritual concentration, andhow to walk in the presence of God, so that I might not forget the Lord for even a second.

Hieromonk Nilus (Grigoriev

03 / 11 / 2012

[1] The Trinity pages was a leaflet-style periodical published by the Holy Trinity-St. SergiusLavra.Trans.[2] The 101st kilometer is an unofficial term which refers to the limitation of rights ofcertain categories of citizens, who were forbidden to live within 100 kilometers of the major

USSR cities. During the years of political repression, even family members of politicalprisoners were sent to live beyond the 100 kilometer line.[3] Zhirovetz Monastery is in the Ukraine.[4] A member of the party of Socialist revolutionariesthe left bourgeois-democratic partythat existed in Russia from 19011923.
http://www.pravoslavie.ru/authors/2603.htmhttp://www.pravoslavie.ru/authors/2603.htm

Hieromonk Nilus (Grigoriev)- Throughout My Life, i Am Learning to Walk in the Presence of God

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