Fantasy Sitcom (Take 3)

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FADE IN INT APARTMENT KITCHEN - EARLY MORNING In a Jersey City apartment, a black cauldron bubbles with green liquid. Above it lies a birdcage. A hawk sleeps inside. The wall behind the hawk as a graduation certificate for "Wizard, First Class." A television softly glows with light, playing a muted infomercial about penis pills. The walls behind it are spiraled with arcane runes. On the wall opposite lies a wall clock with a small light below it. It hits 5:59. The hawk wakes up. It gazes at the clock. The second hand moves slowly to the 11 position. The hawk leans forward. The instant the clock shows "6:00", it starts to screech. SLAM CUT TO INT APARTMENT BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING KELVIN, a 25-year-old wizard, sleeps in his bed. His wizard hat is flopped over on his nightstand. His eyes open. KELVIN Shit. Kelvin rolls out of bed and flops on the floor. The hawk in the other room stops screeching. INT APARTMENT BATHROOM - EARLY MORNING Kelvin looks at himself in the mirror, magically using a razor to shave himself. The razor glows with a light blue aura as Kelvin idly twirls his fingers, manipulating it. INT APARTMENT KITCHEN - EARLY MORNING Kelvin stumbles into the kitchen, briefly glancing at the cauldron. He opens his fridge and levitates a cup of yogurt out. He spoons some into his mouth with magic, swirling two fingers in a scooping motion. At the same time, an enchanted comb runs through his hair. The hawk softly crows, and Kelvin tosses a mouse into its cage affectionately.

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Transcript of Fantasy Sitcom (Take 3)



    In a Jersey City apartment, a black cauldron bubbles withgreen liquid.

    Above it lies a birdcage. A hawk sleeps inside. The wallbehind the hawk as a graduation certificate for "Wizard,First Class."

    A television softly glows with light, playing a mutedinfomercial about penis pills. The walls behind it arespiraled with arcane runes.

    On the wall opposite lies a wall clock with a small lightbelow it. It hits 5:59.

    The hawk wakes up. It gazes at the clock.

    The second hand moves slowly to the 11 position. The hawkleans forward.

    The instant the clock shows "6:00", it starts to screech.



    KELVIN, a 25-year-old wizard, sleeps in his bed. His wizardhat is flopped over on his nightstand. His eyes open.


    Kelvin rolls out of bed and flops on the floor. The hawk inthe other room stops screeching.


    Kelvin looks at himself in the mirror, magically using arazor to shave himself. The razor glows with a light blueaura as Kelvin idly twirls his fingers, manipulating it.


    Kelvin stumbles into the kitchen, briefly glancing at thecauldron. He opens his fridge and levitates a cup of yogurtout. He spoons some into his mouth with magic, swirling twofingers in a scooping motion. At the same time, an enchantedcomb runs through his hair.

    The hawk softly crows, and Kelvin tosses a mouse into itscage affectionately.

  • 2.

    He tosses one yogurt cup into a garbage can. Another quicklyfollows it. Three more come in rapid succession after that.


    Kelvin stands in the doorway. He takes a step outside, butis stopped by an urgent caw from his hawk. He pats his head.Immediately, he reaches out a hand and his hat flies towardshim, hitting him in the face and knocking him over.

    He groans, gets up, and walks out the door.



    Kelvin stands, waiting for a train, on a subway platform.Beside him stand an attractive FEMALE ELF, a fat DWARF in abusiness suit, and a GNOME in a track suit.

    His train comes and he steps inside, sitting in between theDwarf and the elf. He turns to the elf.

    KELVINSo, havent seen you on this trainbefore--

    DWARFEy. You a wizard?

    Kelvin blinks and turns to the dwarf.


    Kelvin glances at the elf from the corner of his eye.

    KELVINCertified First-Class ranking, infact.

    DWARFGood. Maybe you can help me with alittle problem.

    KELVINSure. Im certain Ill be able toassist you.

    GNOMEEver since I slept with this goblinhooker, I got dis itch on me dick.Been bugging the hell out of me.



    Kelvin shakes his head vigorously.

    KELVINNot that kind of wizard.

    Kelvin turns back to the Elf. The dwarf immediately taps himon the shoulder.

    DWARFNo, I aint askin for a medicalspell. I was just wondering if youknew any wizards that could takecare of it for me.

    Kelvin shakes his head again, a bit faster.

    DWARFCome on, ya gotta know at leastone! The last guy I went ta chargedme fifty bucks to get rid of theclap! I aint getting ripped offlike that again! Besides, this ispretty bad. I mean, look-

    The dwarf starts to unbuckle his pants.


    Try doctor Wyvernborn. Hes an STDspecialist. Really good.

    The elf next to him stands up and silently moves to anotherend of the car. Kelvin reaches out a hand as if to callafter her, but changes his mind. He collapses back into hisseat and huffs, wisps of flame flying out of his hat.

    Both remaining parties sit in silence for a while. Kelvinsettles down in his seat, closing his eyes. His half-sleepis rudely ended when the dwarf speaks again.

    DWARFYou ever been with a goblin?


    DWARFYou should try it! Energetic littlebuggers. Bet you get laid all thetime, though, what with thewizarding and all.




    Kelvin sits at a computer in his apartment. He looks behindhim at his hawk cage. His hawk caws softly. Kelvin raiseshis hands slightly, lifting a blanket off the ground.Slowly, he drapes it over the cage. He reaches out for abottle of lotion on his desk, sighing.


    KELVINYeah. All the time.

    The dwarf slaps Kelvin on the back, almost knocking him outof his chair.

    DWARFThats a good lad!

    Kelvins eyes wander to the attractive female elf fromearlier across the train as the dwarf continues to ramble.She smirks when she notices, and he quickly looks away.Luckily, hes rescued from the awkwardness by the trainsintercom

    TRAIN INTERCOMThis stop is the 33rd streetstation.


    Kelvin walks out of the subway and into the light. Aroundhim, the city bustles. Various fantasy races walk by in thebackground, wearing modern attire.

    Alarge crowd of dwarfs walk out of a bar, each holding agiant flagon of beer. Kelvin briefly glances at anadvertisement for "El Rondo Hair Cream," with the subtitleof "look like youre 700 years old again!"

    Kevin takes out his phone and taps screen to reveal a map,which tells him to take a left.

    Kevin walks through the city as music plays. He walks by aDRAGON SALESMAN behind a taco cart.

    DRAGON SALESMANBronzewings fire-breathing salsa!Hottest salsa this side of Mexico!So hot even Lancelot couldnt slayit!

    Kevin looks slightly uneasy as he passes by the cart. Helooks down at his phone, which tells him to turn left.

  • 5.

    He looks to the left to see a deserted alley. He shrugs andwalks down it.


    Kelvin walks almost all the way down the alley, whistling ashe goes. Hes stopped by a LARGE ORC with a knife.

    LARGE ORCYou made a wrong turn, buddy.

    Kelvin rolls his eyes, suddenly standing a bit taller.

    KELVINReally, man? Do you not see thehat?

    He points at his hat, gesturing towards the orc. The orcshakes his head.

    ORCI dont care what kinda magic youknow, pretty boy. You gonna give meyour money or you gonna-

    Kelvin swipes his hand to the right and slams the orc intothe opposite wall. The orcs unconscious body slides downthe brick, crumpling to a heap on the asphalt.

    KELVINSeriously, youre a dumbass.Christ.

    Kelvin walks off, continuing through the alley.


    Kelvin, re-assuming his normal slouched posture, emergesthrough the alley and comes to a crosswalk.

    Groaning, he casts a flashy levitation spell (causingseveral bystanders to yell at him) and floats over thetraffic, which includes a truck full of gnomes holdingvarious gardening equipment.

    He touches down in front of a large office building, made ofmetal, glass, and some sort of glowing stone. He stepsinside.

  • 6.


    Kevin walks into the building, pulling out his phone tocheck it again. His lack of attention causes him to walkinto a car-sized female dragon, RADIANTSCALES CAPUT, morecommonly known as RADE.


    Watch where youre going-

    Rade notices his hat, on the floor beside him. She rolls hereyes.

    RADEOh, a wizard. Nevermind.


    Whats that supposed to mean?

    RADEYou people are always clumsy.

    KELVINThats incredibly offensive.Wizards arent all-

    Kelvin accidentally pulls a rabbit out of his hat whiletrying to put it back on. He sighs and opens the door,letting it hop outside. Its promptly picked up and eaten byan Orc.

    KELVINThat proves nothing.


    They stand in awkward silence, waiting for the elevator.

    KELVINYou work here?


    KELVINOh. At Lefay Holdings?




    RADE (contd)Oh, now look whos beingstereotypical! Not all dragons workwith money!


    Sorry. I just-I mean, its thelargest company in the building, soI assumed...

    RADEIm not a broker. Im an electricalengineer at Quik-Flight.

    Kelvin flinches.

    KELVINWell. Guess were, uh, coworkers,then.


    (beat)Oh! Youre the new magicalengineer?

    Kelvin points to himself in a depressing sort of way.

    KELVINThats me.


    After what happened to the last guyIm sure that you were just jumpingat the job.

    KELVINLast guy?


    A much older wizard is sitting at a cauldron, whichexplodes. He rockets through the air, breaks through awindow, and falls to his death.

  • 8.



    Dont worry about it.

    The elevator doors open with a ding, and a few elves walkout. The elevator compartment looks too small for Rade tofit in at all, much less with Kelvin.

    Kelvin looks awkwardly at Rade.

    KELVINYou go first, you were here first.

    RADEFirst? We can both fit in that,easily.

    Kelvin looks at the elevator, then back to her. Its veryobvious that theres not enough room.

    KELVINUh... Alright. So I just-

    RADE(interrupting him)

    Get in, Ill squeeze in after.

    Kelvin walks inside the elevator, pressing himself againstthe wall. Rade slinks in after him, pinning him to the wallwith the side of her body as she curls like a snake. Shepresses the button for the top floor with a claw.

    Kelvin struggles to get a breath of air. Rade ignores him,continuing to keep him pinned.


    C-Could you-

    Rade pretends not to hear him.

    RADESo, where you from?

    KELVIN(gasping for air)

    New Jersey. C-Can-

    RADEWhere in Jersey?



    KELVINAtlantic City.

    RADEReally? You?

    Kelvin squirms harder. Rade, in response, pushes him againstthe wall more.


    Kelvin is cut off by the ding from the elevators speaker.The elevator doors open...


    ...revealing JOSEPH A. RENIBUS III, a dwarf with a giant,graying beard wearing a business suit. Chest hair pokes outfrom the spaces in his dress shirt. For a dwarf, hes verytall: about four feet. He speaks with a heavy Scottishaccent.

    RENIBUSAh, Rade! Youre ten minutes early!

    Rade hurries out of the elevator, pushing herself offKelvins body. Kelvin lets out one final noise of pain andfalls on the floor.

    RADEYes, sir.

    RENIBUSWorkin hard! Theres a good lass!

    Renibus claps her hard on the back. This action surprisesher, causing a few wisps of flame to fly out her nostrils.

    The elevator doors start to close. Kelvin notices and gasps,trying to crawl to the exit. When he sees he doesnt havethe strength, he jerks his arms backwards. A blast of magicsends him careening out of the elevator, and he lands infront of Renibus.

    RENIBUSWho are you?

    Kelvin looks up and tries to answer, but is panting toohard.


  • CONTINUED: 10.

    RADEThats the new wizard, sir.

    RENIBUSReally? Scrawny little fella.

    RADEThey often are, sir.

    RENIBUSWell, I dont hire him to wrestle,so I suppose thats alright.Cmere, lad!

    KELVINSorry-sorry for-elevator-small-couldnt breathe-

    RENIBUS(scooping him into a hug)

    Welcome to the Quikflight family!

    Kelvin moans in agony, his chest being crushed yet again.Renibus releases him quickly, leaving him gasping on thefloor again. Renibus turns away from him and faces the otherhallway.


    Out of the various offices come a hoard of various elves,dwarfs, goblins, and a pixie or two. They all form anorderly line in front of Kelvin.

    RENIBUS(pointing at Kelvin)

    Thats the new guy! Now,(shouting)


    Just as suddenly as they entered, the workers file back intotheir respective positions. Kelvin scrambles to his feet.

    RENIBUSThe old guys work is in hisoffice. End of the hall, on theleft.

    (beat)Well? I dont pay ya to standthere! Get to work!


  • CONTINUED: 11.

    Kelvin dusts himself off as Renibus disappears into hisoffice. Kelvin walks forward and into his office. He brieflyglances at the hastily-welded steel covering where thewindow should be, then looks down at his desk.

    KELVIN...Dragons. Every goddamn time.

    CUT TO


    Kelvin sits at a desk, runes spiraled out on a large sheetof butcher paper in front of him. The paper floats an inchor so off the ground. The swirls on his hat are glowing andhe sits cross-legged on his chair, deep in concentration. Inthe background, Renibus pops his head in the door.

    RENIBUSOi, lad.

    Kelvins hat extinguishes and falls over, covering his eyes.The paper falls onto the desk.

    RENIBUSWere gonna get lunch together. Mytreat, since we just hired yah.

    Kelvin pulls his hat up.


    RENIBUSNow. Get up, lad!

    Kelvin stands up, holding his hat as he does so. He followsRenibus out the room.



    Renibus and Kelvin stand side-by-side. Kelvin adjusts hishat.

    RENIBUSSo, lad. How you like working hereso far?

    KELVINPretty good. I can see why youfired the last guy-those runes hewrote were outright dangerous.


  • CONTINUED: 12.

    RENIBUS(deadpan, shaking his head)

    God rest his soul.

    Kelvin looks straight ahead, unblinking.

    CUT TO


    Kelvin stands, facing a table with all the workers fromearlier. Renibus is seen chugging a huge flagon of beer. Theelven workers idly butter and eat bread. The only open seatis between an elf, who is staring at his phone, and a goblinthats enthusiastically talking with Rade. Rade sits acrossfrom the pair, taking up three seats. Kelvin grits histeeth, but takes the open seat.



    Kelvin looks around the room. Posters for strip clubs andunderground magic wrestling dot the walls.

    KELVINSo, does the office eat here often?


    All the time. Renibus favoriteplace, for some reason.

    The goblin holds out a green hand.

    GOBLINIm Alexia.

    KELVIN(shaking her hand)


    ALEXIAWell, Kelvin, Im really glad tomeet you! Im in the programmingdepartment, so I guess well beseeing a lot of each other.

    KELVINOh, cool.

    Alexia points at the elf sitting on Kelvins right.


  • CONTINUED: 13.

    ALEXIAThats Ronwind. Hes an electricalengineer.

    Ronwind briefly looks at Kelvin, nods, then goes back to hisphone.

    ALEXIAAnd thats Rade!

    Neither party extends a hand (or claw) to shake.

    KELVIN(with a tinge of anger)

    Weve met.

    RADEYes, this morning. I was tellingyou about it.

    Alexia giggles.

    ALEXIAMust have forgot!

    RADEI told you literally two secondsago.

    ALEXIAI forget things easily.

    Kelvin shrugs and looks down at his menu. "Free Elven MagicBread" is sprawled across the top in a large banner. Themajority of the menu is taken up by a huge column listingthe beer sold, all of which has some sort of pun for a name.

    KELVINWell, theyre certainly big on thealcohol.

    (under his breath)Explains why theres so many dwarfsin here.

    RONWIND(still looking at his phone)

    They dont have a liquor license.



  • CONTINUED: 14.

    RONWINDLook. None behind the bar.

    Kelvin looks, and sees that its true. Theres no noticedisplayed anywhere.

    KELVINIsnt that... like, super illegal?

    RONWINDYes. Better hope the police dontshow up.

    At that exact instant, a policeman bangs on the door.

    POLICEMANOpen up! We have your outfit,Graniewheat!

    Ronwind sighs, tilting his head upwards. He stands up.

    RENIBUS(from across the table)

    Calm down lads! Its probably ajoke!

    POLICEMANYouve been operating this placewithout paying taxes for two years!You and everybody else involved inthis little scheme is under arrest!

    RENIBUSOk, stop being calm. Panic!

    Pandemonium breaks out. The dwarfs in the bar start pilingchairs and tables in front of the doors.

    Kelvin stands with the other three people in the corner ofthe bar.

    KELVIN(shouting so the people nextto him can hear)

    But-we did nothing illegal!

    RONWINDYou think that matters?

    KELVINIt should! Right?

    Rade snorts with laughter, flames coming out her nostrils.


  • CONTINUED: 15.

    RADEYou dont know the NYPD.

    Renibus runs into view, panting, before Kelvin can respond.

    RENIBUSSorry, boys, I made a mistake. Weall gotta get outta here.

    KELVINIs there a back exit?


    Sort of.

    KELVINSo, where is it?

    RENIBUSBelow the bar. It goes to Merlinstunnels.

    Kelvin starts furiously shaking his head. Hes agitatedenough that his hat glows slightly.

    KELVINOh no. I am not going in there.Merlins tunnels are a death trap!Theres a reason they closed themoff in the 50s!

    RENIBUSWell, ya pussy, would you rather goto jail for the night? Fancy havingan orc as a bunkmate? I hear theylike scrawny fellas like you!

    Kelvin loudly groans.

    KELVINFine. Wheres the entrance?

    RENIBUSOver behind the bar. Granites gotthe trapdoor open.

    (beat)Well dont just stand there! MOVE!

    Kelvin and the others sprint to the bar, diving over the topin unison. As they do, the police manage to break down thedoor, swarming the room with orc officers.

    CUT TO

  • 16.


    The tunnels are totally dark. A series of footsteps areheard, as well as the beating of wings. After a few seconds,it stops.

    RADEThink we lost them?

    KELVINThink we lost ourselves.

    ALEXIA(disturbingly cheerfully)

    I have no idea where we are! Ididnt even know Merlin had anytunnels until three minutes ago!

    RONWINDKelvin, please tell me you know alight spell.

    KELVINOh, yeah.

    Kelvin swooshes his arms around. A second later, a smallball of light appears in the room. Alexia has a huge, toothygrin on her face.

    ALEXIA(almost yelling)

    Hey Kelvin?


    ALEXIAIf Im going to die in a series ofgod-forsaken tunnels Id REALLYlike to know what they are!

    Rade wraps a wing around Alexias shoulder.

    RADECalm down.


    Ronwind rolls his eyes.


  • CONTINUED: 17.

    KELVINThe tunnels of Merlin were builtduring prohibition, back before theman himself disappeared. He usedthem to smuggle in wine so he couldwrite spells properly.

    RADEWhy do you need wine to writespells?

    KELVINMerlin did. He was a notoriousalcoholic. Jesus, do they eventeach history of magic innon-wizard high schools?

    Rade tilts her head.

    RADEWait, you went to wizard highschool? But, if you lived inAtlantic City, the only-

    KELVINI commuted. Anyway, the tunnels areenchanted. Constantly changingpaths, so the cops couldnt trackhim down them.

    RONWINDSo theres some kind of map, sopeople could deliver it withoutgetting lost, right?

    KELVINNope. No map.


    KELVINMerlin was a brilliant wizard butnot the best planner.


    Rade uses the wing to tuck her in a bit closer.



  • CONTINUED: 18.

    KELVINCalm down. Were probably ok. Justgotta find an exit, right? And wegot a big, badass wizard-

    RONWINDDont kid yourself

    KELVIN(ignoring him)

    ...and a big, scary,very-willing-to-crushpeople-until-they-cant-breathedragon.

    Ronwind glances between Rade and Kelvin at this comment. Hegoes so far as to open his mouth, but decides not to speak.

    KELVINBesides, its not like theresanything particularly dangerousdown here.

    Rade slaps herself on the forehead with a wing.

    RADEGods, of course you would say that.


    RADESomething dangerous is bound toappear now. Theres no way in hellyoure going to get away with thiswithout dying.

    RONWINDI have to say I agree. You justscrewed us.

    ALEXIA(with child-like intonation)


    Kelvin crosses his arms.

    KELVINCan we please just get moving?

    RADESure. While we still can.


  • CONTINUED: 19.

    Kelvin steps off with practiced precision. The others followclose behind him. They walk about ten feet, then turn acorner.

    There, they encounter a SPHINX, sitting in the middle of thehallway.

    SPHINXFoolish mortals!


    SPHINXYou have disturbed my sleep!

    A huge metal slab slams down behind the group, blockingtheir exit. Kelvin rolls his eyes.

    SPHINXAnswer my riddle and you pass!Fail... and I shall eat you alive!

    Flames rise from previously unseen torches, throwing theroom into stark light. The Sphinx takes a deep breath.

    SPHINXWhat has four legs in the-


    Its a man.


    KELVINThats the classic riddle.Seriously. When was the last timesomebody got it wrong?

    SPHINXUh... never. Im actually quitehungry.

    RADEWe really dont care. Let us pass.

    The Sphinx grumpily moves out of the way, its stomachgrowling. The group walks on through.


  • CONTINUED: 20.

    KELVINSee? Not even hard.

    RADEI know were going to screw up.



    The group stumbles forward, slogging along. They look a bitdisheveled.

    RADEDo you have any idea where an exitmight be?

    KELVINAgain. Designed by Merlin. Merlingoing through alcohol withdrawals.Its not easy to find an exit.

    Kelvin steps over a skeleton, not paying any attention toit. Alexa follows behind, trying not to throw up.

    RONWINDTheres a dragon up there.

    Rade tilts her head.

    RADEAnd how do you know that?

    RONWINDElf. Night vision.

    RADEIs he a big dragon?

    RONWINDFemale, I think. And about as bigas you.

    Rade turns to Kelvin.

    RADEAny idea why the hell would she bedown here?

    KELVINThe hell you asking me for? Yourea dragon. Why would you hang in atunnel?


  • CONTINUED: 21.

    RADEMaybe to take a bit out of anysmart-ass wizard who-

    ALEXIACan we please avoid her?

    KELVINWhats the matter?

    ALEXIAListening to you guys argue is badenough. We dont need to add aweird hobo to our party.

    RONWINDShe could be lost like us.

    Ronwind squints, looking off into the distance again.

    RONWINDScratch that, shes wearing ashredded hoodie covered in somekinda stains and...

    He leans forward slightly.

    RONWIND...three different hats.

    ALEXIAWhat kind of hats?

    RONWINDBaseball caps.

    ALEXIAWhat teams?

    Ronwind squints even harder.

    RONWINDYankies, a "fuck north dragons"--

    Rades glare intensifies and she hisses.

    RONWIND...and an "orcs are better in bed."Theres something else too...

    Ronwinds eyes go wide.


  • CONTINUED: 22.

    RONWINDOh Christ, shes in heels.

    RADEHow tall?


    ALEXIAKelvin, you know anything thatwould kill her from this far away?

    KELVINIm not just gonna murder her!

    RONWINDHm. Shes flying at us.

    Kelvin bends his knees, facing forward. He raises one hand.

    KELVINHow fast?


    KELVINOh, Christ.

    The other dragon comes into their view. True to Ronwindsdescription, shes wearing a red hoodie thats seen betterdays and three different hats. The look in her eyes is wildand crazy.

    This dragon is obviously of a different type than Rade. Herneck is significantly shorter, she lacks any spikes on hertail, and her wings seem to be bigger. The dragon flapshard, rapidly accelerating herself at the group

    KELVINOh Christ.

    Rade settles to the ground, digging her claws into thestone. A wisp of flame comes from her mouth.

    RADEIll take care of her.

    KELVINNo, I got it.


  • CONTINUED: 23.

    RADELike hell you do! Shes-

    The advancing dragon stops flapping and hits the ground. Sheskids to a halt in front of the group.

    FEMALE DRAGONYou my guys?

    Rade and Kelvin share a look.

    FEMALE DRAGONYknow. Craigslist. That you?

    KELVINUh... No. Thats not us.


    She rolls over onto her back, almost crying.

    FEMALE DRAGONThey was supposed to be here threehours ago!


    RONWINDDrug dealers.

    Kelvin spins around to face Ronwind.


    RONWINDUnderground tunnels, specificallydesigned to avoid the cops? Cmon.Plus, look at her.

    Kelvin looks down at the dragon. In the harsh light of hisspell, several open sores are obvious on her face.

    RONWINDMeth. Definitely meth.

    RADENo, not meth. Shes on Bronzecoal.


  • CONTINUED: 24.


    KELVINDragon-specific drug. Made from,ironically, lead and coal. And abunch of spells, of course. Sameeffects as meth, muchlonger-lasting, much easier tomake.

    The female dragon perks her head up, looking at Kelvin.

    FEMALE DRAGONYou know how to make Bronzecoal?

    KELVINIts like... a third class spell.Yeah.

    RADEThe hell did you learn that?


    Elective in college.

    FEMALE DRAGONYknow, I got, uh, some lead andsome coal. Or could get. Maybe youcould...

    She suggestively lets her voice trail off, tilting her headdownwards. Kelvin shakes his head.

    KELVINNo. You couldnt pay me to makethat shit. I aint losing my magiccertification.

    The dragon looks between Kelvin and Rade. With asurprisingly quick beat of her wings, she flies over the topof them and grabs Alexa, holding a claw up to her neck.

    ALEXIAOh, of course! Go for the smallone!

    FEMALE DRAGONI really, really need somebronzecoal. Right now.


  • CONTINUED: 25.

    KELVINHoly shit, are you serious?

    FEMALE DRAGONYeah. Yeah, I am.

    RADELet her go!


    Rade turns to Kelvin. She uses a wing to spin him around,away from the other dragon. She keeps the wing up, coveringhis head and torso. Kelvin is too surprised to do anything.

    RADEYou know any spells here?

    KELVINNothing that wouldnt also hurtAlexa.

    RADE...Hurt her how bad?

    KELVINHospital for a month or so,probably? Anything strong enough toknock her out of that bitchs clawsbefore she can kill her is gonna beunpleasant.

    Rade stomps a foot.


    KELVINWhat? Its not that long. Seemslike a good option to me.

    RADELast time she was in the hospitalshe made me watch her dogs.




  • CONTINUED: 26.


    (beat)You suffocate them too?

    RADENot the time, magic-boy. Besides,Chihuahuas arent nearly asannoying as--

    FEMALE DRAGONWhat are you talking about? Dontyou try anything, or...

    Rade quickly spins Kelvin back around, plastering a fakesmile on her face.

    RADEOh, I was just convincing him tomake some bronzecoal for you.Yknow, us dragons! Love us someillegal drugs.

    FEMALE DRAGON"Us" dragons? Northie, do I looklike somebody you can compareyourself to?

    The dragon goes into a coughing fit, black soot flying outher nostrils.

    FEMALE DRAGONIm leagues ahead of youspine-brained idiots. But,whatever, bronzecoal is bronzecoal.Lets move.

    They walk forward together for about a hundred yards. Thefemale dragon stops in front of an oddly-shaped rock on thewall and pushes it with confidence.

    Nothing happens.

    The female dragon recoils in surprise and presses it again.Then again. Then again. Each press receives equally noresponse.

    FEMALE DRAGONOh, shit.



  • CONTINUED: 27.

    FEMALE DRAGONThe exits not working.

    KELVINIts--these are the tunnels ofMerlin! They constantly re-arrangethemselves!

    FEMALE DRAGONYoure the wizard. Aint yousupposed to know that?


    Kelvin looks over his shoulder at Rade.

    KELVINYou know, she knew how to get out.Maybe you should let her lead?

    FEMALE DRAGONFollow behind a damn Coldspike?

    Flames shoots from Rades nostrils in rage.

    FEMALE DRAGONLook here, buddy.

    She withdraws the claw from Alexia.

    FEMALE DRAGONIf you think that I am going to letyou sit here...

    Alexia looks at Kelvin, who shrugs.

    FEMALE DRAGON...and disrespect my heritage,youve got another thing coming.Ive been...

    Alexia slips out from the dragon and walks to the side.

    Rade lets out of a torrent of bright red flame as Kelvinholds up his arms. The other dragon is completely vaporized,decaying to a small pile of ash.

    Kelvins hat catches fire, but he conjures water to put itout.


  • CONTINUED: 28.

    RONWINDWell. That... works.

    Rade walks to the small pile of ash where the other dragonused to be. She pokes it with a foot.

    RADEThink I should report this?

    KELVINI wouldnt bother.

    ALEXIAYou just killed her!

    She holds up a hand to Rade.


    Rade accepts her offer and gives Alexia a high-five.

    ALEXIANow we can leave, right?

    KELVINNope. Still stuck down here. Cmon.

    Kelvin walks forward, stepping over the pile of ash. Radefalls into step next to him.


    Thanks for the assist.

    RADEDont mention it.

    KELVINImpressive fire breath.

    RADEImpressive shield. I was worriedId burn you.


    As if you could.


    I was hitting another target. Itwould have been a different storyif I was aiming at you.

  • 29.


    The group sits in a large cavern. The walls are plasteredwith graffiti. Mostly peoples names, but theres drawing oftwo big-breasted elves hugging a dwarf in one corner.

    Kelvin lays on the floor. His eyes are sunken into theirsockets, and hes incredibly pale.

    ALEXIAWere so going to die down here.Ive resigned myself to the fact.

    Kelvin coughs.

    KELVINMy god I wish we had the chance toeat food before this happened.

    The ball of light levitating in front of him flickers.

    KELVINIm running out of magic here,guys.

    RONWINDYouve been casting "ball of light"for six hours. How are you almostout?

    KELVIN"Ball of light," and thoseexplosion spells for those giantants, and I conjured that bridge.

    RADEDont forget the illusions to scareoff that pack of feral griffons.

    KELVINYeah, that too. Besides, I wasre-writing runes for three hoursbefore that! Runes a fucking moronwrote, I might add.


    KELVINIf you mis-read a single wordtrying to cast it it would haveexploded. No safety precautions atall.


  • CONTINUED: 30.

    RADEReally? I thought he jumped.

    (beat)Huh. Guess his wife should have gotthat insurance money after all.

    Kelvins light goes out.

    KELVINWell, shit.

    Rade blows a wisp of flame into the air, momentarilyilluminating the room again. She glances at Kelvin beforeeverything goes dark.

    RADEGuess we better get going. Tunnelsarent going to get us out bythemselves.

    RONWINDPerhaps we should sleep untilmorning.

    RADEYeah, no. Were getting out now.

    Theres a scuffling noise as the members get up. Rade letsout another wisp of flame. Kelvin stays on the floor.




    RADECan you walk? I can carry you ifneed be.

    KELVINNo, I got it.

    The pitiful sounds of a weak struggle echo through the room.

    RADEYou dont have it.

    KELVIN...Fuck, youre right.

    Rade blows another wisp of flame. She uses the light toscoop Kelvin onto her back with a wing.


  • CONTINUED: 31.

    The group starts walking forward. Rade lets out a wisp offlame, revealing more graffiti on the stone walls.

    RONWINDWhy so much graffiti?

    KELVINMaybe were close to an exit?

    A faint rumbling is heard in the distance.

    KELVINOr something horrible. Probably thesecond thing.

    ALEXIAIt sounds like a train.

    KELVINI guess getting hit by a train isbetter than starving.


    Yeah! Way to keep a positiveattitude!

    Rade lets out another flame. A smile grows on her face.

    RADEIm pretty sure thats a subwaytunnel.

    KELVINYou serious?

    The group comes to a wooden door. Rade kicks it over with aclaw.

    On the other side is a subway maintenance walkway. The groupsteps through.



    The group steps out of a door labeled "staff only." Rade hasa bit of trouble squeezing through but manages to do sowithout knocking off Kelvin.

    Kelvin glances at a map. He sees that its his station andslips off the dragons back.


  • CONTINUED: 32.




    Dont mention it.(beat)

    Seriously, dont.

    Kelvin nods, then turns to the other two.

    KELVINThis is my station. Its late. Imgoing home.

    RONWINDYou sure you dont need food?

    KELVINIll be fine. Got plenty of it atmy house.

    A train arrives. Kelvin waves to is co-workers and walks onboard, sitting down. He closes his eyes.

    DWARFHey, lad!

    Kelvins eyes jerk open in horror. He looks to his left.The dwarf from the previous subway ride is sitting there.

    DWARFI saw you earlier. Walking out ofthat door.

    The dwarf claps Kelvin on the back.

    DWARFSee ya took my advice with thatgoblin! Went above and beyond witha dragon and an elf at the sametime! In public too!

    Kelvin looks forward. He rests his head on a hand.