Cast of Characters:Erg: A short man in his late forties.Ohm: A portly man in his late forties. Frederick: An extremely old waiter.Daisy: Ohm's tall wife in her mid-twenties.

Scene:A small restaurant constantly covered in snow.

Time:None.

SETTING:A restaurant. At the rear to the right sits a short bar top with three stools. There is a door behind the bar. In front of the bar and offset to the left sits a tall, circular table, small, with a tall chair on either side.

1

AT RISE:The restaurant is dimly lit. The sound of strong wind is constant. Ohm sits in the right chair examining a folded newspaper in his left hand and holding a pencil with his right. He alternates between consulting the newspaper and scribbling something on a reporter's pad that sits on the table.

OHM

(Sets down the pencil and picks up the pad.)

Neighbor bludgeoned in property dispute. Well.

(Examines the paper for a moment.)

Can't blame him.

(Ohm places the pad back on the table. He resumes reading the paper and taking notes. The sound of a door opening comes from the right. Erg

stumbles through the door accompanied by a rise in the volume of the wind and a gust of snow. He struggles to close the door. He walks to the

unoccupied chair while dusting the snow from his coat, which he then drapes over the back of the chair and sits.)

ERG (yelling)

Frederick. Frederick.

(turns to OHM)

Where is that man?

(yelling again)

2

Frederick.

(long pause)

Frederick.OHM

He's gone to fetch my drink.

(Erg doesn't look at or acknowledge Ohm. He watches the door behind the bar and does so for a long while.)

ERG (yelling)

Frederick.

(Erg shakes his head and sits.)

OHM (tapping the pad with a finger)

This one's about a woman who beat her neighbor with a wooden garden ornament because he kept parking in front of her house and walking over the

bit between the sidewalk and the street.

ERG

Planting strip. Let me see.

(Erg snatches the pad from under Ohm's finger. Ohm yelps and sticks his cut finger in his mouth. Erg reads.)

Eminently reasonable. Not good for the research.

(Erg throws the pad back on the table. It slides off and falls to the

3

floor. Ohm struggles out of his chair to retrieve it and then places it back on the table.)

Just the thing for neighbors who don't know where their feet should fall. For waiters too.

OHM

Unreasonable. Here, look over the notes. I'll get the waiter for his highness.

(Ohm bows elaborately and walks behind the bar and begins gently tapping on the door)

ERG

Don't forget it, boyo.

(Erg takes up the notebook and murmurs to himself as he reads. He shakes his head dramatically and crosses out line after line. He looks after Ohm.)

It's not a hard job, you know.

(Erg finishes editing the notebook and throws it on the table and again it slides off onto the floor and in the same motion, he hops off of his chair and

walks back to the bar. For a moment, he watches Ohm who is still gently tapping at the door.)

I'll get it myself. Dusty old bar. Dusty old bartender. I'm going to stop coming here, you know. You just see if I don't.

OHM

I've got it. I've got it. He's just fetching my drink.

4

(Erg reaches over the bar, his feet lifting from the ground. He rummages behind the bar for a moment.)

ERG

Hello!

OHM

Hi.

ERG

Not you. This.

(Erg holds an oblong box aloft. It's made of dark wood and no more than twelve inches long, four wide, and four deep.)

OHM

Ah. Well, there it is.

ERGI found it. Right here.

OHMJust right there. The whole time right there.

ERGI don't know about the whole time, ninny. I only just found it.

(The door behind the bar open and Frederick slowly walks through. He carries a tray with a pint glass of beer. The entire time Frederick walks he

makes small moaning and grunting noises, sometimes

5

sounding like humming, sometimes sounding like the exhalations that come from the effort of his movement. He shuffles slowly around the bar and to the table. He sets down the tray and picks up the glass, which he then places on the table. He begins to walk back at an excruciatingly slow pace. Halfway to the bar he makes a sound of realization and walks back to the table where he picks up the tray. He walks back to the bar. For the entire time Frederick

walks, Erg continues to hold the box aloft and Ohm remains behind the bar, a stricken look on his face. Once Frederick reaches the bar, he looks up at the box Erg is holding, stops abruptly, and sways on his feet and makes another

sound of realization, this one much louder.)

ERG (shakes the box)Look what I found.

(Frederick sets the tray on the bartop as quickly as he can and feebly reaches for the box. Erg laughs and holds Frederick at bay by his head.)

No, no, my boy. Now fetch the big box.

(Frederic stops struggling and pauses for a long moment looking first at Erg then Ohm. Frederick then begins his slow walk to the left of the stage.)

OHMNow, there's no reason for that. Couldn't we do without it? We done without

it for a long time now.

6ERG

Quite lovely, isn't it? Trolling your papers, collecting bits and bobs? I'd never give it up, not for a moment. But it isn't nearly enough.

6

OHMIt could be.

ERGIt never is.

(On the left of the stage a large, rectangular box appears pushed by Frederick. The box is the same color and shape as the small box Erg still holds. The box

scrapes loudly on the floor. The two men move back to their chairs as Frederick pushes and he leaves it between the two men at the front of the stage. Muttering and weeping, Frederick exits the stage to the left as Erg opens the box and removes a pair of pencils and a sheet of blank paper.)

ERGReady?

OHMNo. I want to go first.

ERGI go first.

OHMYou always get to go first. I want to go first.

7ERG

That's all fine and dandy, but I go first. It's tradition.

OHMHow about we flip for it?

7

ERGHave a coin?

OHMOf course not.

ERGNor have I.

OHMPaper rock scissors?

ERGFine. Will it make you happy? Will it keep those lips buttoned?

(The two men play a round of the game. Erg wins.)

ERGAh! See? Pointless. Should listen to me.

OHMI had a chance.

ERGDid you? Well, be that as it may, I go first.

8(Erg makes a mark on a piece of paper. Ohm then does the same. They

alternate until the end of the game.)

ERGAh! Now who do you suppose wins?

OHMThis is my point. You go first, you win.

8

ERGNot answering my question.

OHMYou win.

ERGCorrect.

(Erg hops off his seat and opens the lid of the large box. It opens so it faces the audience. The sounds of Erg rummaging through the contents of the box echo. When he finds what he was looking for he allows the lid to fall shut

with a bang. ERG is holding a croquet mallet.)

Just the thing.

OHMWe don't have to.

9ERG

Let's go, lets go, lets go. Hand down.

OHMWait.

ERGStalling!

(Ohm slowly sets his hand on the lid of the box, palm down. Erg raises the mallet high above his head.)

9

I already feel so much better.

(Erg brings the mallet down on Ohm's hand. A small quantity of blood spurts from his hand. Ohm screams and falls away from the box onto his back. He

curls up on the floor for a short while and moans. Meanwhile, Erg sits back at the table, takes a long drink from Ohm's glass, and draws a new tic-tac-toe board. Ohm, quiet now, pulls himself back onto his seat with his one good

hand. He keeps the other tucked inside his jacket.)

OHMLet's play.

(Erg makes his mark on the paper, but Ohm immediately erases it.)

No, no, no. Paper rock scissors.

ERGWe did that already.

OHMAnd now we do it again.

(They play again, and again Erg wins. Ohm is crestfallen. Erg again opens the box and this times selects a cricket bat.)

ERGArm.

(Ohm resignedly lays his forearm on the lid. Erg raises the bat high and is about to bring it down on Ohm's arm when he stops and points to the front

door.)

I think it's your missus.

10

(Ohm looks back at the door, runs halfway to it, then runs back.)

OHMIt is! It is!

(Ohm is panic-stricken and dashes about the stage looking for a place to hide. Erg stays by the box, bat in hand and watches Ohm. Erg opens the lid of the

box.)

ERGIn here.

(Ohm runs to Erg's side, looks inside the box, then up at him. Ohm shakes his head and is about to speak when Erg shoves him inside and lets the lid slam shut. He then opens the lid again, throws the cricket bat inside, and lets the

lid again fall. Erg sits at the table, picks up the newspaper, and begins to read. The door opens. Snow blows in. Daisy enters and shakes the snow off of her clothes with her right hand. Her left arm is in a sling. She has a large, black

eye. Upon seeing Erg, she points with her one useful hand at him.)

DAISYYou!

ERGHmm?

DAISYDon't hmm me you toad. Where is he?

ERGDaisy, dear. You are a sight! Filling out nicely.

(Daisy glares at Erg, then approaches the table. She lets her fingers rest lightly on the back of the chair Ohm formerly occupied.)

11

DAISYStill doing your little researches?

ERGOh, you know how it is.

DAISYQuite the accusation.

ERGNot a compliment?

DAISYNot a compliment. Where is he?

(Erg finally looks up from his paper and looks her over thoroughly, lingering on her arm and eye.)

ERGHow's the arm?

DAISYKeep your little words off of me.

ERGYou came to fetch him, then?

DAISYYes.

ERGTake him off to better places?

DAISYAnywhere is better than where you are.

12

ERGPerceptive little woman. Believe me, please, please believe me when I tell

you that I understand what he sees in you. And how well are you seeing these days?

DAISYGive him back.

ERGNot mine to give. Besides, what do you think will happen? You take him to sunnier climes and you'll find yourself with a fresh, new man on you hands? He'll be scrubbed clean, be corrected, when he's taken from me? And you.

Are you the one who'll turn him into a gentle, little snowflake? You're doing quite the job so far.

(Daisy turns away from Erg and takes a few steps away from the table.)

DAISYAs always, you've misunderstood. I'm not turning him into anything. I don't want to turn him into anything. He's not mine to make and he shouldn't be

yours to make.

(The lid of the large box jumps a little and drops with an audible bang. Daisy doesn't notice, but Erg does though he doesn't move.)

He's not what he once was. You wouldn't know about that, though. You wouldn't care either, I'm sure.

(The lid again lifts, higher this time and again falls with an even louder bang. Erg hops up off of his chair and just as Daisy turns to look, he puts his right foot on the lid and leans on his knee with his right elbow, affecting an air of

interest in what Daisy says. She turns away again.)

He took me to the beach once.

13

ERGLovely of him.

DAISYYou don't have the slightest notion what that means so keep your mouth shut, filth. He was lovely. And you're right. If he wasn't here with you he'd be just

as lovely.

(Again the lid lifts, pushing Erg's leg off of it, but this time Ohm's head pokes up. His face is contorted in terror. Erg pushes Ohm back in by his face and

once the lid is again shut, Erg sits on it. Daisy turns and stomps toward Erg.)

He will be fresh and new and yes, he will be my little snowflake as soon as I get him away from you.

ERGDaisy, darling. You do realize he was here before me?

(Daisy is silent for a moment, then turns and quickly stomps toward the front door.)

DAISYYou send him right home. Do you hear me? Right home.

(Daisy opens the front door and a gust of snow blows in. She slams it behind her. Erg waits several long moments, then gets up, checks the door to make sure Daisy is gone, then returns to the box. He raps on the lid three quick

times.)

ERGHello?

(long pause)

Ohm? You can come out now. If you want. Don't feel obligated.

14

(Erg waits another long moment, then slowly lifts the edge of the lid. When he has it open enough to see inside, he stops.)

Oh.

(Ohm leaps from the box with great force. The lid flies from Erg's fingers and Erg himself backs away quickly. Ohm breaths heavily. His face drips with sweat. He has a wild, open-eyed look and his head swivels quickly to look

around the room. When he sees Erg, Ohm staggers to him and, upon reaching Erg, Ohm takes a handful of Erg's shirt in each hand and presses himself

tightly to Erg.)

OHMDon't go in there.

ERGHadn't a notion to.

OHMPromise. You can't. You mustn't.

ERGYour concern is touching, my boy, but...let's just open these little hands...

(Erg pries Ohm's hands from his shirt.)

Much better. It's touching, but don't presume to give me instructions. I'll go were I please.

OHMYou won't be pleased if you go in there.

ERGIt pleases me not to go in there and so I'm pleased because I want to be.

Shows what you know.

15

(Erg helps Ohm into his chair, then sits in his own.)

OHMIs she gone?

ERGGone, gone, good and gone. You need a drink.

(Erg whistles and Frederick emerges from the back with a pint glass and totters to the table.)

I do get the impression, however, that I've not done all I can to endear myself to her.

OHMThat's because she hates you. A lot. She'd like a go at you with the bat, I bet.

(Frederick arrives with the glass and Ohm takes a long drink.)

Can you blame her?

ERGYes. Very much yes. I don't understand your need to blame me. I have

nothing to do with anything and neither you nor you lovely little lass can change that no matter how much you insist it's so.

OHMIs she well?

ERGShe looked well enough. Fine decorating you did.

OHMBe quiet.

16

ERGNo, no. I mean it. There's something of the doe-eyed, wounded bird about her now. And a bit more to her all over, though I suppose you can't take credit for

that. Quite a delicious little dear.

OHMWhat would you know about it?

ERGShe's a hen. A lioness.

OHMYou haven't a clue what dear is. She's good.

ERGShe touched my chest just now, you know. Made me feel hugely dear.

Achingly dear.

OHMYou're a beast.

ERGShall we resume our game?

OHMNo.

ERGWe must.

OHMIt's not fair.

ERGWhat's not fair is your little paper, rock, scissors nonsense.

17

OHMThat's the only fair part we've ever had. At least I have a chance.

ERGIt's all chance! No skill, no planning. At least with tic-tac-toe one must have a

plan.

OHMBut you always go first!

ERGCorrect.

OHMSo you always win.

ERGAlso correct.

(The two men silently stare at each other for a long moment.)

OHMI changed my mind. You should go in the box.

ERGSourpuss.

OHMPaper, rock, scissors.

(The two men play a round of paper, rock, scissors and this time Ohm wins. Both men are still for a long moment as if they are unsure of what just

happened. Then Ohm lets out a joyous scream.)

I win! I win! Look at this.18

(He waves his winning hand in Erg's face.)

I've been waiting so long. I can't even remember how long.

ERGDon't milk the moment. It does not become you. Let's get to it.

(They play a round of tic-tac-toe, Ohm wins.)

Go on then. Pick your poison.

(Ohm reaches into the box and retrieves a wooden baseball bat. Erg, without prompting, places his hand atop the box lid. Ohm raises the bat high and

strikes Erg's hand. Erg lets out a massive scream and falls backward onto the floor. Ohm stands still, the bat hanging loosely from his hand, and watches

Erg roll about. After a time Erg stands and hauls himself into his seat.)

ERGLet's play.

OHMThat's it? That's all there is to it?

ERGWere you expecting something more? Let's play.

OHMBut there's nothing to this at all! Yes, I expected more. I expected something.

ERGThat sounds like the problem right there. And it doesn't matter anyway. What

else would you do? This is our place. We own it. Let's play.

OHMI don't think I want to.

19

ERGYou might win.

OHMI might. I'm not playing anymore.

(Ohm sets the baseball bat on top of the box.)

ERGPlay.

OHMI don't have to.

ERGCome on. Paper, rock, scissors.

(Erg plays a round by himself, but Ohm doesn't join in.)

Fine. You first then. Here, it's your go.

(Ohm doesn't stir from where he stands nor does he draw on the paper.)

Look, I'll make your first move for you. There you are and then mine. Your turn. No? OK, I'll help you with that one as well.

(Erg continues playing both sides of the game until it's complete.)

Ah! And look there. Didn't I say you'd have a chance? And now you've gone and won. Let's go, then. Get your bat.

OHMNo. The game's over. Maybe we should go.

20

(Erg leaps up from his chair, grabs the bat from the lid of the box, and holds it up beneath Ohm's chin.)

ERGThe game is not over. You won. Now you have responsibilities. Act

accordingly.

(Ohm turns and walks toward the door. After a moment Erg chases after him and grabs him by the shoulder.)

ERGYou must play.

OHMNo.

ERGYou must! There's nothing else.

(Ohm shrugs off Erg's hand and turns back to the door. Erg will not be dissuaded, however. And he pushes Ohm in the back. Ohm stumbles then runs. Erg chases him around the stage for a short while and they end at the

table with Ohm held against it by Erg. Erg holds out the bat.)

ERGTake it!

(Ohm picks up the pint glass and swings it at Erg's head. Erg collapses to the floor. The side of his head is a mass of pulp and blood. Ohm stands above Erg and Frederick emerges from behind the bar to investigate. A moment

later Ohm snatches his coat from the chair and runs toward the front door. He stops and runs back to the table, snatches the notebook, and runs out in a

swirl of snow. Frederick looks at Erg, at the front door, and back at Erg. He then retrieves the bat from where it has fallen and places it inside the box. He

21

puts the pencils and sheet of now marked paper in the small box, then puts it in the large box. He drags Erg to the large box and deposits him inside.

Frederick pushes the box toward the left of the stage, his effort accompanied by a litany of his grunts and moans. The stage goes dark while he's still

pushing, but the sounds last a few moments longer.)

THE END

22