Verum, Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum

Issue 76

Chain store’s fury at SWS Campaign

A Family run chain store could be driven out of business by the very campaign aimed at

saving them.

Charlie’s Chains, a small family business from Albert Street, has seen a sharp decrease in

sales ever since the SWS (Save Whitstable Shops) campaign urged shoppers to boycott the

town’s chain stores.

Charlie Smith, who has run the store since 1978, said “Thanks to SWS, nobody comes in here

anymore. I used to sell all sorts of chains – bicycle chains, chains with padlocks, bondage

chains and even Alice In Chains CDs. The saddest part is, the campaign is being led by a

bloke who sells chains in his jewellers. Now, I can’t give ‘em away. Thanks for nothing

baldy.....”.

The campaign to save Whitstable’s shops was launched after it

was discovered that yet another coffee shop was to open in town.

Harris and Hoole Baristas (Coffee experts to you and me) are

planning on opening a coffee bar on the old Clinton Card’s site,

but they are owned by Tescos, who nobody likes.

Campaign manager Maurice Roberto (Left) said, “I would like to

apologise to Mr Smith for any inconvenience caused. When we

said ‘Chain Stores’ we meant the big ones like Costa Coffee,

Specsavers etc. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a Chain to catch. ROTFLMFAO!!”.

Zizzi tells the Tapas bar - “Change your name

to Spanish snack bar!”

A row has broken out between two popular local restaurants over the wording of their

names. Zizzi, a popular pizza and pasta restaurant, has demanded that The Tapas Bar in

Harbour Street change its name after a coach load of dyslexic day trippers ended up eating

there.

Zizzi manager Luigi Marscapone, told The Wind Farm, “We had a large booking of 60

members from D.U.S.K (UK Dyslexic Society) and most had pre-ordered Pasta. But they all

ended up eating at the Tapas bar after confusing Tapas with Pasta”.

Di Slexic, head of the group said, “It was a simple mistake to make, especially for our group.

When we walked in and ordered Pasta, the

management gave us some funny looks and offered us

their Tapas menu instead”.

The group stayed at the Tapas bar, leaving Zizzi out of

pocket whilst the bosses of The Tapas Bar closed early

and went down the pub after the D.U.S.K members had

left.

Some pasta, yesterday

“That was a record day for us”, The Tapas Bar said, “And they’re welcome back anytime.

And Zizzi can fuck right off with their name change request”.

Even a local children’s boutique owner benefitted from the confusion. Mamas and Papas

owner Helen Back told us, “A couple of them wandered in here because they thought the

sign said ‘Mamas and Tapas’ – Oh, how we laughed!”.

Zizzis week became worse when a coach load of partially hearing people turned up at their

restaurant expecting to see a performance by American rockers ZZ Top.

“I’m getting sick of all this Zed aggro”, said Marscapone.

Forget-Me-Not club members ‘Unlikely to attend Lounge On The Farm’

next year.

Lounge on the farm festival organisers stated this week that local pensioners are

unlikely to go to their festival next year after failing again to secure James Last and his

Orchestra for the cattle shed stage.

“Maybe they can see Bruce Forsythe at Paddock wood, if he plays there again”, they

said.

ADVERT

The Whitstable Biennale By Lucien Fraud, art critic.

The ordinarily parochial town of Whitstable has been basking in the artistic glow from the 69th

.

Whitstable Biennale (pronounced buy -anal). Once again the luminaries of the Art World have been

cashing council cheques and constructing thought provoking pieces of self-aggrandizing flummery for

our moral uplift and edification. Here is my selection of the outstanding works.

Stones - Sculptor Anthony Gormless has produced 2,012 amorphous figurines that have been strewn

willy-nilly o’er the shingle, each representing an endomorphic individual, capturing the dichotomy

between being and existence.

She Lay Down and Peed Beneath the Sea - Tracey Ermine’s sand installations, glyptic counterparts

to her much admired scratty drawings, may be discovered on the few patches of sand that appear at

low tide; these ephemeral etchings explore the spaces between being and existence.

Jewel off the North Kent Coast - Multimillionaire conceptualist Damian Hertz, with characteristic wit

and perception, has cast a carbuncle, the most precious stone of the garnet family, into the murky

waters of the harbour. This piece beautifully illustrates the unfathomable gulf between being and

existence.

Being and Existence - Perhaps the most interesting piece was by our very own Tankerton &

Whitstable Ambient Topographical Situationalist group. Quartets of artists wandered through the

town dressed in London clothes and other-worldly airs, pausing to admire the abundance of art.

Members of the public were invited to approach them and received a fresh raspberry in response to

the greeting, “It’s plain to see you’re a bunch of T.W.A.T.S.”

Where’s Wallace?

This week, Wallace was

spotted in a restaurant. Look

closely at this picture. Do

YOU recognise the

restaurant?

Did you see him eating

there?

Did he tip when he paid for

the meal if, in fact, he paid

for it at all!?

Looks a bit shifty, doesn’t he.....why wasn’t he looking at the camera? His

companions have been sympathetically disguised, just in case Wallace was up

to no good. Was he? Did YOU take the picture? Tell us what he was doing in a

restaurant and what he had to eat....There’s a free Sweary Seagull Mug up for

grabs here...

Cllr Barjory ‘disappointed’ at Whitstable’s land locked status

Councillor Marjory Barjory expressed disappointment this week after Whitstable came last for the 25th

year running in the competition to find Kent’s most landlocked town.

“I think we need to try harder next year”, she said, “Sevenoaks come first every year”.

Graveney, a small village near Whitstable, came 21st after the judges couldn’t decide where it ends and

nearby Seasalter (Which is on the coast) began. Plans are now being drawn up by Barjory to make an

artificial island to join Sheppey to Whitstable, which will stretch as far east as Tankerton, which is

technically not Whitstable, except during the oyster festival.

In a statement to The Wind Farm, councillor Barjory said “Joining up with Sheppey would be a very

useful way of ensuring we win it next year. Kent’s Most Landlocked Town is one of the few awards our

seaside town hasn’t won yet”.

Budgens makeover allows staff to

face Mecca

Confused shoppers at the new-look Budgens were shocked

to find members of staff facing Mecca this week.

The usual sound of “Can I help you, sir?” and “Would you

like a bag for that, sir?” was replaced with “Allah Akbhar”

as some members of staff bent down and faced East.

Regular customer Ben East said, “I told them they were

facing the wrong way, as they were, in fact, bowing in a

southerly direction”.

The call to prayer idea came about when staff were asked what changes they’d like to make and

a couple expressed that they’d like to be able to pray to Mecca.

Deputy manager Calvin Doubtfire said, “Who are we to argue?”. But some customers are

furious . “It’s bad enough queuing when there’s enough staff around to man or woman the

tills”, said Albert Miserable of Moan Close, “But now we have to wait for the staff to stop

praying. This wouldn’t have happened of Hitler had won the war”, the 93 year old pensioner

said.