The el ClasiCo MoRBo DRinking gaMe! “Take Real Madrid and Barcelona for example. There is so much morbo festering between these two sides that they would have to employ a very powerful priest to exorcise the phenomenon, always presuming that they wanted to. It’s not merely that they hate each other with such an intensity that can truly shock the outsider, but that each encounter between them always has a new ingredient. This is the essence of morbo. It feeds off itself, and keeps growing until it becomes a self-regulating and self-perpetuating organism.”

-Phil Ball, Morbo

In honor of what amounts to be one of the more crucial Clasico’s in recent history, I’ve devised the MORBO drinking game to keep your at a rising inebriation fit to match the rising intensity of this fascinating fixture.

RUles The game consists of 2 teams. Beer and at least one bottle of hard liquor are required—as well as hot sauce, a washable marker, a salt shaker. If any of your sally-ass friends are drinking a cocktail, they can play—but they have to gel their hair to match Ronaldo’s for the entirety of the game.

Drinking requirements are compound, for example—If Messi dribbles past 3 defenders, lays off to Xavi who assists Iniesta for a goal, while the commentator calls Messi a Wizard and the Camera switches momentarily to an angry Ronaldo, then Team Madrid drinks a full beer for the goal, 3 more fingers for Messi’s dribble, 2 more fingers for the Ronaldo face, followed by a shot, an admission of destiny, a good cry for the 2010 World Cup Final, all while making Ronaldo’s face. Team Barca will drink 2 fingers and cast as spell on the television.

Both Teams begin with 100 points, and teams track their intake for scoring • 12oz of beer: -1 Point • 8oz of Sally-Assed Mix Drink: -1 Point • Glass of Wine: -1 Point • Shot: -2 Points

The winning team will have the most points remaining at the end of the match. Happy drunk math to you all.

geneRal iMBiBes • Kickoff- SOCIAL DRINK (3 Fingers) • Goal- Conceding supporters finish their drinks (with any added requirements from Team

Drinks) • Saved Penalty- Shooting team’s supporters finish their drinks • Own Goal- Conceding supporters finish their drinks as well as a side-car shot • Halftime- SOCIAL DRINK (3 Fingers) • Yellow Card- Carded team’s supporters drink 2 fingers • Red Card- Carded team’s supporters drink 4 fingers • Players surround Referee appealing for card/penalty- WATERFALL! Everyone drinks ‘till the

crowd disperses • Discussion of Messi v Ronaldo- Drink 1 finger and everyone mime the striking of a dead horse

until the topic changes • Shot off the Post- Defending Team drinks 1 finger and knocks on wood

TeaM MaDRiD DRinks: • Every 5 successful Xavi passes- Drink 1 finger whilst grumbling grudging appreciation for his

skill

• Xavi Assist- Add a sidecar shot to your finishing drink and audibly accept that this was destiny

• Xavi Goal- Finish your drink, add a sidecar shot, and prostrate yourself in front of television as if it were your feudal lord

• Messi Dribble- Drink 1 finger for every defender beaten by his run

• Messi Solo Goal- Finish your drink whilst replicating the goal within the confines of your viewing space

• Iniesta Goal- Finish your drink whilst crying in remembrance of the 2010 WC Final

• Iniesta Assist- After finishing your drink, say something very congenial and charming to an imaginary reporter

• Dani Alves Cross- Drink 1 finger and attempt to make your face look like Dani Alves’s

• Dani Alves Assist- Finish your drink whilst sprinting back and forth across the room in a straight line

• Fabregas Goal- Finish your drink and say something grumpy and dismissive in an Arsene Wenger imitation

• Fabregas Assist- Finish your drink and say how much like a father figure Arsene Wenger is to you in a lispy Spanish accent

• Pedro Goal- Finish your drink and promise to name your firstborn child ‘Pedrito’

• Sanchez Goal- Finish your drink and take a half shot of Chili Sauce (Srihacha, Tabasco, Frank’s, etc)

• Sanchez Assist- Finish your drink and remark that Alexis is living proof of the benefits adoption can have on the destiny of a child.

• Pique Goal- Finish your drink and booty dance whilst singing Shakira’s ‘Hips Don’t Lie’

• Puyol Goal- Finish your drink with one hand whilst running your fingers through your hair in slow motion with the other.

• Cuenca/Thiago/Tello Goal or Assist- Finish your drink and sing the chorus to Rod Stewart’s ‘Forever Young’

• Every 10 Consecutive Barca Passes- Drink 2 fingers and sing one verse of ‘Wheels on the Bus’

• Every Mention of Mourinho’s possible departure- Drink 2 fingers and throw salt over your shoulder

• Any Mention of Mourinho as ‘The Special One’- Drink 1 finger and smile contentedly

• Any Play on Words of Mourinho as ‘The Special One’- Drink 2 fingers and scowl like a proper Portugese

• Any Mention of Mourinho’s Appalling Short Haircut- Drink 2 fingers and shave your head

• Every Mourinho outburst- Drink 2 fingers and imitate said outburst

• Mourinho Carded/Ejected- Finish half your drink and refuse to answer any questions while Team Barca acts as a room full of reporters

• Every Khedira Foul- Drink 1 finger and resolve your face into a picture of German stoicism

• Khedira Yellow Card- Drink 2 fingers and be consoled that you’re dating fashion model Lena Gercke

• Every Marcelo Foul- Drink 1 finger and make fun of his hair

• Marcelo Yellow Card- Drink 2 fingers and do a Samba dance

• Every Pepe Foul- Drink 1 finger and protest your innocence

• Pepe Yellow Card- Drink 2 fingers and attempt to step on someone’s hand

• Pepe Red Card- Drink 4 fingers and write a D on your forehead in marker for DEVIANT

• Misplaced Xabi Alonso Pass- Drink 2 fingers and pray he’s not going to slump this game

• Nuri Sahin Subbed On- Drink 1 finger and remark that you forgot he was on your team

• Di Maria Dive- Drink 2 fingers, and shame on him—right?!

• Every Dirty Look/Mean Mug by Ronaldo- Drink 2 fingers and imitate said face

• Attacker Subbed Off For A Defender- Drink 1 finger while pretending not to notice

• Valdes Saves Shot- Drink 3 fingers and mention how he deserves to play more for Spain

• Casillas Keeper Error- Drink 3 fingers and blame it on his girlfriend

• Kaka Gives Away Posession- Drink 1 finger and make a sign of the cross

• Benzema Shot Off Target- Drink 2 fingers and blame it on prostitutes

• Higuain Shot Off Target- Drink 1 fingers and comment that Argentina will be fine, Tevez and Aguero are playing well.

• Ronaldo Shot Off Target- Drink 2 fingers and shout across the room how pretty and talented you are

• Any Mention of the Impending Middle East RM Resort Island- Drink 3 fingers and remove 1 article of clothing

• Camera Shot of Florentino Perez- Drink 2 fingers and hide your wallet

• Any Mention of Barca’s Clasico Record Under Guardiola- Drink 2 fingers, then cover your ears, shut your eyes, and sing ‘La La La La’ until Team Barcelona assures you the moment has passed

• Cristiano Ronaldo Is Compared to A Horse/Sports Car- Drink 2 fingers and make the appropriate animal/car noise

• Any Mention of Squandered Points Lead Over Barca- Drink 6 fingers, one for each grain of metaphorical sand your team has let fall between the cracks of their fingers

TeaM BaRCa DRinks: • Every 5 successful Xabi Alonso Passes- Drink 1 finger and say how handsome he is

• Xabi Alonso Assist- Add a sidecar shot to finishing your drink and audibly mention how ‘he’s like…Xavi good’

• Xabi Alonso Goal- Finish your drink, add a sidecar shot, and salute in the cardinal direction of the city of Madrid as relative to your current location

• Ronaldo Dribble- Drink slowly until he loses/passes/shoots ball

• Ronaldo Solo Goal- Finish your drink and replicate his celebration…move…for…move

• Ozil Goal- Finish your drink and try to make your eyes look like his

• Ozil Assist- Finish your drink and use your body to portray the wonder of German precision and efficiency— this is subjective, no wrong answers here

• Sergio Ramos Cross- Drink 1 finger and fawn over his fashion sense

• Sergio Ramos Assist- Finish your drink and sing the chorus of ‘Let’s Get it On’ whilst rubbing yourself all over

• Kaka Goal- Finish your drink and take Christ as your personal lord and savior

• Kaka Assist- Finish your drink and baptize yourself with 1 finger’s worth of beer

• Karim Benzema Goal- Finish your drink and sing the closing portion of ‘Be Our Guest’ in the voice of Sebastian the Crab

• Karim Benzema Assist- Finish your drink and inappropriately touch another member of your team—Like a proper Frenchman

• Higuain Goal- Finish your drink and remark that Messi isn’t even the best Argentinian player

• Higuain Assist- Finish your drink and mime being shot out of a cannon while shouting ‘weee’ in a nasally voice—thereby confusing Gonzalo Higuain with Gonzo the Muppet

• Di Maria Goal- Finish your drink and then blame the diving epidemic on Sergio Busquets

• Di Maria Assist- Finish your drink and write ‘Property of Real Madrid’ on your stomach with an arrow pointing downwards

• Pepe Goal- Finish your drink and kick someone near you who you like, really hard

• Arbeola/Albiol Goal- Finish your drink and shout that Puyol should retire from international football

• Callejon/Granero/Sahin Goal- Finish your drink and do a pushup for every year younger than you the goalscorer is.

• Every 10 consecutive Madrid Passes- Drink 1 finger and give them a round of applause

• Every Mention of Pep’s Contract Situation- Drink 2 fingers and chant Chelsea five times

• Every Mention of Trophies Won Under Pep- Drink 1 finger for every trophy (13)

• Any Mention of Possible Pep Move to Man U- Drink 2 fingers and take a full shot of piping red hot sauce

• Every Shot of Pep’s Wild Arm Gestures- Drink 2 fingers while attempting to move your body in the direction of his waving arms

• Any Mention of Pep’s Fashion Sense- Drink 3 fingers and remove 3 items of clothing

• Pep Carded/Ejected- Finish half your drink and admit to the room that the mind games have finally become too much, you’re just too sensitive for this high-pressure football stuff.

• Every Pique Foul- Drink 1 finger and mime French kissing with Zlatan Ibrahimovic

• Pique Yellow Card- Drink 2 fingers and tell everyone to fuck off, you’re dating an international pop star

• Every Puyol Foul- Drink 1 finger and beat imitate a caveman

• Puyol Yellow Card- Drink 2 fingers and wet your hair until it has a vibrant sheen to it

• Every Busquets Foul- Drink 1 finger and refrain from saying anything remotely racist

• Busquets Yellow Card- Drink 2 fingers and fall directly to the floor, writhing as if caught in Emperor Palpatine’s force lightning. You may not get up until a member of Team Madrid taps you on the leg

• Busquets Red Card- Drink 4 fingers and beg Team Madrid for forgiveness

• Busquets Dive- Drink 2 fingers and half cover your face for one full minute

• Misplaced Xavi Pass- Drink 2 fingers and pretend you’ve died of disbelief

• Keita Subbed On- Drink 1 finger and mime giving him softly over to Liverpool

• Every Time Messi Looks to the Ref After A Tackle- Drink 2 fingers and call it a dive

• Cuenca/Tello Subbed On- Drink 1 fingers and shout ‘Desperation!’

• Casillas Saves Shot- Drink 3 fingers and shout ‘Hala Madrid!’

• Valdes Keeper Error- Drink 3 fingers and say, “Well there’s always Pinto…”

• Iniesta Gives Up Posession- Drink 1 finger and slap yourself on the face

• Messi Shot off Target- Drink 2 fingers and call him past his prime

• Sanchez Shot off Target- Drink 1 finger and ask where Villa is

• Fabregas Shot off Target- Drink 2 fingers and mime swimming back to London

• Any Mention of Gareth Bale- Drink 3 fingers and know in your heart it’s not going to happen

• Camera Shot of Sandro Rosell- Drink 2 fingers and draw a Nike swoosh on your arm

• Any Mention of Chelsea’s 1-0 Win on Wednesday- Drink 2 fingers, cover your ears, etc…

• Messi is Compared to an Extra Terrestrial/God/Wizard- Drink 2 fingers and probe your neighbor/beg the lord for forgiveness/cast expelliarmus at the television

• Any Mathematical Discussion of Winning the League- Drink 1 finger for every 5 seconds of discussion of ‘possibilities’