Spy Magazine November 1989

U.S. $2.55

CAN. $195

(Ji £2.50

iSPY GOES UNDERCOVER

IITN NENRY KISSINGER,

,>;ERV GRIFFIN,

/ItiIAM F. BUCKLEY JR.

AND MZLCOIM FORBESA

AT BOHEMIAN GROVE-TilE

ESTABLISHMENT'S

SECREI TWO-WEEK

FRAI PARTY

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RONALD REAGAN:ULTRA-EXCLUSIVE

SPY INTERVIEW

HERMITS' HERMITS

DAVIII MAMETIIION, IIflOAD WAYTHE HOME VESTQN

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NOSTALGIC KEEPSAKE!FACSIMILE EDITION

OF OUR1964 DEBUT ISSUE:

THE BEATLES,THE WORLD'S FAIR, JFK

. AND MORE...

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Culture Club

The lure of pearls frorìì Tiffany'scollection of cultured pearl a nd d i anond jewel r

TIFFANY & Co.NEW YORK LONDQN MUNICH ZURICH HONG KONG

SAN FRANCISCO BEVERLY HILLS SOUTH COAST PLAZA DALLAS HOUSTON CHICAGO ATLANTA BOSTON OO.526.O4' T&CO. 1989

Perception.

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Reality

For a new generation of Rolling Stone readers, it isth necessary to munch on magic mushrooms toappreciate contemporary American literature. Ro11in Stone readers turn the pages of America's

best sellers at the rate of 13 million books a year. If you re looking for a highly educated. discerningaudience for your advertising message, you'll get great reviews in the pages of Roffing Stone.

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tCOVER

Phoogroph by Nei! ScIkir (bothcs);Lsu Quinoncs8ock Star (Griffin hcod).Gkbc Photos (Ks%ii1qcr hood).

IStyIit: Barboro Tfank.(Further inkrrnotion or, page 24.)

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GREAT EXPECTATIONS ........ oNAKED CITY

The official correspondence of HUD honey Deborah Gore Dea,,. Angela Lansburyr raised.buttockscat arch and Sid Gaesars neck.dewattling tongue extensions. Billyjoel hires attack chickens. A nd complete coverage of¡he lirnousinehiring policies ofrniddle-aged black celebrities ................... ': Y .

, ....THE SPY MAP

Is New thrk getting too clean. too cute, too convenien:?J0HN BR0DIF andBoB MAC!< lead a tour of Suburbanized Manhattan. Watch out for that sprinkler!illustration by SL;s,%N FAbLA ..............................................Q

PARTYPOOP ................NEW, IMPROVED NEW YORK

Harnessing A,nericac future. Illustrated by WILLIAM CoNF ................

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INTO THE WOODS: BOHEMIAN GROVE CONFIDENTIAL

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PHIL!? WEiss goes undercover for two weeks in a redwood forest north of San Franciscoand discovers rusticated former heads of state and power brokers like Henry KissingerRonald Reagan, George Shuliz, Mery Griffin and %Valter Cronkite roughing it, establish-ment style. ltc the annual Bohemian Ciubfiray into the wilds the supersecret, ultra-exclusiveHell Week for the old and the influential, featuring spooky rituals, bawdy cross-dressingand lots ofostentatious outdoor urination ............Q

(CURTAIN Up.) Fucx You. (CURTAIN DOWN.)

- Vhen you think David Mamet, you think edgy street language. You think poker games. You think really short plays.DAVID IvEs distills the cigar-chomping, black-turt/enecked great one four best-known full-length works, and showsthat short, punchy plays can be even shorter and punchier ....................Q

PRIVATES ON PARADE

'Greta Garbo andj D. Salinger did it. So did dozens of others.ROBERT TRACHTENBERG unearths 15 ofArnericar more spectacular recluses andPJ. CORKERY.

provides a how-to-be-a-recluse primer drawn froni the life of Doris Duke, patroness of ImeldaMarcos and ruminant mammals .............................................Q

SPY's 25TH-ANNIVERSARY COMMEMORATIVE KEEPSAKE ISSUE

'°Bonus: a facsimile reprint ofthe very first issue ofsPy November 1964. . . .Q

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"HENRY DUTCH" HOLLAND í/eiunks the magic ofrepetition in Review of Reviewers;jÜF GILLIS explains the twokinds offormerpresidents of The Webs news divisions; MACAULAY CONNOR on ¡he bad sports at the Ministry of Infor-

,\ 1mation; why The Industry's agents will always be agents, according lo CELIA BRADY; MICHAEL

rs_-KAPLAN investigates Real Estate recently inhabitedby corpses; andEl.LIS WEÏNERfind5 that learning

Il

How to Be a Grown-up might involve wingedcreatures ........

OUR UN-BRITISH CROSSWORD PUZZLE

'By Ro BLOUNTJR............SPY (ISSN 08901759) is publishod monthly by Spy Publishing Partners. The SPY Building. 5 Union Square Wesc. New York, N.Y. 10003. Submissions:Send wich SASE co same address. For adsrrtising sales, call 2L2.633-65 50. © 1989 by SpyPublishing Partners, LP. Second.class postage paid as New York, N.Y..and additional mailing offices. Annual subscriprion racs: U.S. and possessions. $21.77; Canada, US$30: foreign. US$40. Postmaster: Please send addresschanges co SPY. P.O. Box 3591 39. Palm Coast. FL 32035-91 39. For subscription information, caU:l-8004231780. Membcr, Audit Bureau of Circulations.

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'Abefore

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sialman & Reside,n Sage.

What is a single malt Scotch?

he word "elegant" crops uptime and again when expertsdescribe the taste oflhe Glenlivetsingle malt Scotch.

Some say it's broughtabout by the peculiar shape ofour pot stills.

Some say it's the smokeof the peat cut from the nearby'Faemussach peat fields.

Our own Sandy Mimeinsists that it's the water fromJosies Well. flowing as it does

overHighLand granite.

Whatever, the great SirWalter Scott long ago put oupaper that The Glenlivet"..is the only liquor fIt fòr agentleman..?'

We'll not argue with a

one of them.

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A single malt is Scotch the way it was originally: one single whisky,from one singledistillery Not, like most Scotch today, a blend ofmany whiskies. The Glenlivet The Glenlivet.single niait Scotch whisky should therefore be compared to a château-bottledwine. Blended Scotch is ,nore like a mixture ofwinesfrom d(fferent vineyards. The Father of All Scotch.

1989 Imported by The Glenlive! Distuling Company N Y N Y 12year.old sngIe malt ScoCh whisky. AIc. 43% by l. (86 poot) The G)enlvet 's a re,stered trademack

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THINK OF IT: 25 NOVEMBERS SINCEOUR FIRST ISSUE CAME ROLLINGOFF THE LETTERPRESSES. IT HARDLYseems possible. And now, after 25 years ofthese monthly ruminations on the passingparade, it's time u to forge a freshapproach. We know, you'veheard these turning-over-a-new-leafoaths before. It was back inSeptember 1968, after all, that we an-nounced Anti, our magazine-within-a-maga-zine featuring satirical reprints from the de-veloping world - and not one issue ever ap-

peared. Injune 1975, didn't we vow to abandon a rather uglybigotry toward earnest white southern fundamentalists? Anddidn't we renege in the fall, when Jimmy Carter started quot-ing Dylan? And only last year we promised to stop dwellingon the phony and hypocritical, the vain and overblowntoonce in a while applaud the decent and good; but hypocrisyand vanity have remained epi- . _ !. .

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.VITMPcIcqdemic, and that 18,000-word ' '

profile of Bill Bradley still needs ''-work. , Nevertheless, we're .\

determined to :"i,,.

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ink of itsection of thereform. This .

iL;' Omagazine has always depended for its struc-ture on a relentlessly repeated phrase, a lineplucked from the day's events and turned

into an all-purpose ironic refrain. The techniquea rather in-

1F0 ger of becoming purely a gimmick. "I'm not good at express-

novative late-Beat gesture in 1964, still quite powerful in 1974(remember the entire page of i am not a crooks?) is in dan-

' ing the concerns of a nation:' George Bush confessed to a TVinterviewer recently. In the

2) Novem berspast we would have grabbedthat sound bite out of con-text and run with it, smear-nc tc minine AvPr vrv-

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more. Lifting a technique from stand-up comedy, we will impro-vise, relying on suggestions from the audience. Help us outhere. . . . God! All right, God. Others? . Fright! Boo-

gers! Fine, that should be enou ( Crying! ( Okay, ter-rific. Let's do it. "We Bushes:' the president told that sameinterviewer, "cry easily' After just 10 or 15 years ofNew Manu-ness, it's come to this? It wouldn't have happened before (Youknow, we Nixons, we well, we cryfairly easily, I'm told), althoughit does sound like a wisecrackingJFKism:Jesus, Pierre, he mighthave said after a rough press conference, tell them to take it

NOVEMBER 1989 SPY 9

easy don't they know' we Kennedys cry easily?

Today; instead oflvy Leaguers' doomed$109.5 billion wars on Vietnamese corn-munists and Texans' doomed muiribillion-dollar wars on pover we get a Texas IvyLeaguer's doomed $7.9 billion war on co-caine. Indeed, all of this fall's problemsseem o involve once-fashionable powdersbeing inhaled in our decaying cities: anasbestos-lined steam pipe was explodingpretty much weekly here. Why does Man-hartan have 400-degree poisonous steamcoursing through ancient undergroundtunnels? Why is real life suddenly Bat manand Ghosthusters II, with subterraneanspecial-effects infrastructure disastersand Reagan still smiling after he gets a holedrilled in his head? This must be whatacid flashbacks are like,

God? Jim Bakker, his wife said frombeneath her full thickness ofmakeup, "hasbeen treated like a carnival show;' and inCambridge the leader of another once-influential cult played barker to a groupofstudents. He told them the person whooccupies his position "sets the tone, thecourse, the way" for his followers. 'And;'New Yorker editor Bob Gottlieb added,"he's treated as a living god" We con-

sideredJohn Lennon a livinggod (or did,anyway, retroactively, after he was killed),but now that Yoko has sold the rights tohis drawings to be printed on MasterCardsand Visas. he's charge-plate filigree.

Strauss Zelnick was three years oldwhen the Beatles were playing all-nightgigs in Hamburg, but he burned to bechiefexecutive officer ofTwentieth Centu-ry Fox. Zelnick graduated from HarvardLaw School andBusiness School and now,at 32, has been named CEO ofFox. "Thisis what I wanted to do when I was three'he reminds us. "lt's kind of frightening,isn't it?" A true man of his generation:overweeningly ambitious and says so,straight out, with a charming smirk,

Vestron, the ultra-eighties movie corn-pany that Zelnick worked for last, has hadits line ofcredit pulled. Cineplex Odeon,the ultra-eighties chain oftheaters respon-sible for the 7 ticket, is desperate for abuyer. Two subsidiaries ofKoh!berg KravisRL)berts, the ultra-eighties over-leveraged-buyout firm, cannot meet their currentdebt payments. And Alcott & Andrews,the ultra-eighties chain of career-galclothing stores, has filed for bankruptcy.It's kind of frightening, isn't it?

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America's go-go adversaries abroad arestill on a roll, Japan is now officially theworld's richest nationat last count,everything injapan, including the land it-self, was worth $43.7 trillion, The U.S., bycontrast, has a breakup value of only$36.2 trillion, So what: we've still gotone heck ola free-enterprise system. Con-fex Inc. (headquartered, needless to say,in New Jersey) is selling tons of a candycalled Boogers. "With Boogers' the presi-dent of Confex says, "we've hooked intosomething culturally significant:'

Why is it that American victors in allfields are increasingly triumphant bydefault, winning at a game not worth win-ning or against opponents not worthbeating? Like Boogers. Bush, Dinkinsand Giuliani. Even Notre Dame. Earlierthis season, the Fighting irish beat Vir-ginia 36 to 13. For most of the game,Notre Dame's man said, "we played like abottom-20 team:' "We haven't been thatbad' said the Virginia coach, "in a longtime:' This could be the nineties themewe've been waiting for: competitive self-deprecation, one-downmanship. lt's tooearly to say, but we think we've hookedinto something culturally significant. )

ANIMAL LOGIC is the brand new album, featuring the first single "There's A Spy (In The House Of Love)"

io sri' NO\'EMBER 1989

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No killer bees. No monkeys who can drive. Notreasure maps found in varicose veins. None of that stuff.

Us Magazine presents only entertainment newsand information; better focused and more comprehensivethan People. With 5 million readers per issue and averagehri lChC\lC1 i rr'cmc (YY

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From the spy mailroom: We are in re-ceipt of an empty hoirnet packetyes,an empty hairnet packetthat cameScotch-taped to the following: "DearEditors: Could you please confirm [themodel on the packet] as Shelley Hack in

a hairnet Sincerely,

,Jayne Falcon, Ridge-wood, New Jersey."

Word has clearlyreached Ridgewoodthat we've expanded

our entire range of reader services. Ourspacious new offices are so silly withelbowroom that the SPY Hair AccessoriesDepartment, which is handling Ms. FaI-con's request, is no longer even exiled to

a separate floor. (True, bringing Hair Ac-cessories into the SPY HQ vortex requiredthe unfortunate displacement of a por-tion of our senior editorial staff, now work-

ing out of an upended carton in a cornerof the supply closetbut it's a roomycarton, and the packing chips can be re-moved at day's end with any standardclothes brush.) So: want us to track down

Shelley Hack's early modeling assign-ments No problem for the new, diversifiedSPY. We can also winterize your home.Need tickets to Merchant of Venice?

One thing we can't seem to do is get

youyes, you, James Cole of Manhat-tonany of the very early issues of SPY.

"Hard to believe though it is," Mr. Colewrites, "no branch of the New YorkPublic Library has SPY magazine prior to1986." Nothing could be more disturb-in9 to us than that bit of newssave,perhaps, for its exact opposite. Mr. Cole,

by the way, is interested in David Owen's

1979 article on China (partially reprisedin Ten Years Ago in SPY, August), but our

few remaining copies of those early,Owen-driven spys have apparently beenmislaid in the course of our move toUnion Square. For now, Mr. Cole, wehope the 25th-anniversary facsimileissue you see before you will satisfy.

Charles Rush of Ashland, Oregon, has

written us "pursuantto an article writtenby Private Melik Kaylon" ("Hellcat of the

Turkish Army," June). "I found it an hon-or . . . to serve with the Turkish Brigade for

eleven months during the Korean War,"Rush writes. "I found the Turkish fight-ing forces to be of the highest cali-ber. . . . Mr. Kaylon has had but a brief ba-

sic training, which was really incom-

DEAR EDrroas hank you for compil-ing your exclusive, un-

authorized index to The Andy WarholDiariej (August]. Perhaps you could pub-lish a similar index for each issue of spy.

Sure, you may spend weeks working on anissue, but with the help ofsuch an index,no one would have to spend more than 15seconds (let alone 15 minutes) readingyour magazine.

Carl PfirmanDallas. Texas

Yot mean like "Pfirman, Carl, snide lettersto the editors of spy written from Dallasby, page 17?

barrassment ifyou show up embedded inAdolf's coffee table or, worse yet, in thebody of Hermann Göring.

Also, regarding TV's Time Tunnel ['AGreat Way to Meet Chicks: A HighlySelective Guide to Popular Time-TravelMychologÇ byjohn Brodie, August): howcome those guys always turned up wheresomething historically important was oc-curring and where everybody (even an-dent Greeks) spoke perfect English?

John A. R.uszkowskiKing, North Carolina

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DEAR EDI'roas nteresting to hear theautobiographical reve-

lation from red-nosed exChicago Seven-erTom Hayden that he once ran into and

Ikilled two deer while driving to Newark["The Vainglorious and Salacious MemoirsofCertain Celebrated Persons: A SPY An-thology in Digest Form," by Jamie Mala-nowski, August), as this happens to bevirtually the same thing that happened inthe 1960s to the fictional characters in theJohn Sayles movie Return ofibe Seca,c,s 7(1980), with a slight intra-Jersey shift oflocale.

Coincidence?Steven DhueyMadison, Wisconsin

.. Yes, coincidence, according to John Saylesagent.

DEAR EDrroas ne problem that nevergets mentioned in

stories about time travel is the problem ofspace ("For Starters: We'd Kill Hitler, BuyXerox at 8 ½ and Save the Dinosaurs," byCharles C. Mann and Edward Zucker-man, August). Where you go is more im-portant than when. After all, if you're aweek early, you can always check into amotel and wait. It would be far moredifficult to arrive at the correct place,because everything is in motion. TheEarth rotates, orbits the sun, the sun or-bits through the Milky Way, etc., all mo-tions that are superimposed on top of thegeneral expansion of the universe.

If you go back to 1939 to kill Hitler,Earth won't be where you left it. This callsfor precise calculation. Imagine your em-

DEAR EDITORS was driving out ofBoston on the South-

east Expressway. Over the radio came abulletin from a traffic reporter in a heli-copter. Avoid the expressway, he warned,there's been a multicar crash in Milton

:-b :i.-i 1k"and the road is completely tied up. I wasat that moment proceeding through Mil-ton, along with everybody else, at topspeed, no sign of any trouble.

At home I told my wife about the non-accident. She got a strange look on herface and said, "Maybe it hadnt happenedyet." She had just read your time-travelpiece. She declared that I had no doubtslipped through a wormhole in a rotatingblack hole and had driven past Miltonbefore I actually got there. But then in themiddle ofthe night she sat up in bed. "Onthe other hand," she said, "you might havebeen in Universe B."

Well, I'm sending this to you in Uni-verse A. I hope it gets there.

J crome BeattyJrWaquoit, Massachusetts

DEAR EDIitas et us settle this time-travel business once

and for all. Time travel is not possible,period. Those physicists (and respect-able, rational scientists in other fieldsas well) who pursue this research are en-gaging in nothing more than intellectualmasturbation.

If time is the distance between events(events, i.e., a change in state, some mo-tion denoting some change), then onecannot skip over events on the line ofrime. All events are tied together so that aperson must traverse events A, B, C and Dto get to event E. lt is not possible to

NOVEMBER 1989 SPY 17

go from event A to event E, for that wouldbe "skipping over' events B, C and D.This inability to skip events holds true ineither direction. Just as a person walkingacross a room must traverse all points inbetween the starting point and the endingpoint (we could call the starting point Aand the ending point E) on a hypotheticalline separating the two points on oppositesides of the room, so too must a personpass through all points on the line of time,thus negating any possibility of travelthrough time that skips points.

Our problem comes with human limi-tations to our ability to perceive.Just as afew ancient Greeks realized that conceiv-ably there are an infinite number of pointsalong a line of finite distance (that lineacross the room), since between every twopoints on the line you can place another,and thus it must be infinite in length, sotoo did they recognize that they could sim-ply get up and walk the length of thisline in a matter ofmoments. What gives?Clearly Newtonian absolutist notionsabout coordinate systems (which Einstein'swork adheres to up to the speed approach-ing that of light) are not adequately ex-plaining the physical structure of our

universe and need serious rethinking.Einstein's proposed time dilation (the

Planet of the Apes scenario you gave),whereby travelers in a spacecraft leaveEarth at high speed (near that of light),then return in what is a short time forthem only to find that perhaps manythousands ofyears have passed on Earth,is preposterous on its face. A thing calledthe Gamma factor (a strange use of thePythagorean triangle and some math)gives the ratio of time shift to this nuttytime dilation. So-called evidence for timedilation, in the form of atomic clock ex-periments that show that clocks in mo-tion (in aeroplanes) slow relative to clocks"at rest" (on the ground), does not showthe truth ofthis principle oftime dilation(special relativity) but is actually pro-viding a window on the effects of gravityon bodies set in relative motion (the sub-ject ofgeneral relativity). Science has longincorrectly cited these clocks-in-motionexperiments as evidence for one relativis-tic effect, so-called time dilation due tospecial relativicy when in fact these clocksin motion that slow are revealing unfore-seen effects of gravitational fields onbodies in motion at speeds far below that

oflight. It is a case ofmisperception lead-ing to erroneous definition.

There is no time dilation, no way toskip over events and no cime travel. Got it?

j SofileyLos Angeles, Cal:Ñrnia

Sure. But why the curiously old-fashioned spell-ins of aeroplane?

DEAR EDIToRs id any time travelersshow up for your

August 1 champagne brunch?Brian MacDonaldChicago, Illinois

No. But a nice ladyfrorn Washington Heightsstopped by (she said she had to come downtown

anyway, for business), as did a pleasant butslightly scary kid from Vassa who left anathletic bag full ofcopies ofThe Catcher inthe Rye A great party, Brian, as you canimagine.

DEAR EDITois sn't Ruth Norman justche teeniest bit embar-

rassed ("Low-Tech Time Travel on a Shoe-stringWho Was Reincarnated as Whom:Previous Life-styles of che Rich and Fa-

"Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me, aren't you?"

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L"you AIN'T HEARD NOTHIN' YET!" presents 501 of

the most memorable linesfrom 6Oyears ofgreat (andnot-so-great) movies. From Al Jolsor's first words ina "talkie," TheJazz Singer («Walt a minute, wait a

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plete. If he had served during the Korean

War, he would not hove cut the mustard."

Private Kaylan's training strikes you asincomplete, Mr. Rush? Fine, let's sendhim right back to southern Anatolio. Nocontributing editor of py ever failed tocut the mustard in the Turkish Army be.fore, and contributing editors of py arenot about to start failing to cut the mus-tard in the Turkish Army now. So here's

the plan: Kaylan reenlists, thereby givinghimself a shot at redemption and, coin-cidentally, freeing up several tables atNell's, M.K. and 150 Wooster for a cou-pie months. Our operatives in the Aegeanconcoct o little intro-NATO misunder-standing over, soy, Chian airspace. Thisleads to the usual saber rattling in

Athens and Ankara, perhaps even an or-

ranged skirmish during which CorporalKaylon distinguishes himself, sufferingonly o minor injury to the hand he nor-molly uses to push free-drink chits toward

bartenders. Later, in Istanbul, Sergeant

Kaylon - still favoring that hand - isdecorated, files a story with us in NewYork and does everybody, even Charles

Rush of Ashland, Oregon, proud.Elliott Milstein of West Bloomfield,

Michigan, has sent us a Detroit FreePress clipping of Mitch Albom's sportscolumn that includes three pairs of look-alikes, each with a rather familiar name-

ellipses-name caption structure. "Some-one at the Free Press really likes youguys," writes Milstein. "Shortly afteryour Christmas 'lt's a Wonderful Life'issue [see "lt's a Wonderful Life 1988,"

by Jamie Malanowski, December 1988],they did the same trick for prominentDetroit people. And now this. Is this sortof stealing allowed under the FirstAmendment?" We're not sure. But may-be we'll have to look into it.

If we do find out what the law requires,

Rupert Murdoch's people at The BostonHerold will probably wont to know. Latein July they ran side-by-side photos of aMassachusetts Motor Vehicles official(is this the man responsible for thoseratones, by the way?) and Phil Donahue,with the caption "Separated at birth inthe Bay State..." (Thanks to JoshGillette.) Well, maybe the Herold got theidea from that Detroit Free Press col-umn, which had been published twodays earlier. Or possibly from actress-comic Marsha Warfield, who had ap-

hil969We Asked

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peared on Pat Sajak's CBS-TV show stillearlier that month armed withgreatidea!a series of look-alikes.

But as we've pointed out before, the"Separated at Birth?" conceptA re-sembles B has been around for a while,predating even the funny pairings of real

people with ancient sculptures done byHorizon in 1964 (thanks to PatrickGillam of St. Louis for that history-of-published-look-alikes footnote). TheHorizon feature was itself likely modeled

on one done for Show magazine in 1963.

A "Buddy Alan' who may sound as ifhe should be headlining Caesar's Palacein Las Vegas but is in fact only writing to

spy from Philadelphia, has drown our at-tention to a recent article in Glamourthat, sure enough, we'd somehow missed.

To say that David Denicolo's "Make-overs of the Mind: L.A.'s New Intellec-tuaIs" owes something to "If I Only Hada Brain: Nouveau Intellectuals and theFad for Looking Serious" in the Februaryspy is akin to remarking that Dino De-Laurentiis probably saw Jaws beforemaking Orco. From the theme itself tothe photos of celebrities improbably ineyeglasses, it looks all too familiar. Freepoke idea for Marsha Warfield: gathersome photos of people wearing glassesand get yourself booked on Sajak again!Free column idea for Mitch Albom: what

about athletes surprised in the act ofwearing glassesor holding books!

Since we're whining, how about thatJuly Harper's? Their Index included thestatistic for the number of aphids thatFDA regulations permit in a pound offrozen broccoli (which appeared in sr" in

"Hold the Pickles, Hold the Àphids' byEd Sikov, May). And in their Readingssection they published letters written onGeorge Steinbrenner's behalf when heapplied for a presidential pardon (seethe Steinbrenner affidavits in The FinePrint, by Jomie Malanowski, June).

Last in this evil but necessary who's-

influencing-whom section of the mail,we have a letter from Ira Robbins ofWoodside, New York: "I've been enjoyingYou Are There: SPY's Exclusive Monthly

Behind-the-Scenes Celebrity Vignette[Naked City] for months now, but theAugust installment, with Gene Simmonsand his tongue, finally triggered mymemory." Robbins has enclosed copiesof a Kiss-meets-Barbie-in-Cher's-dream-

house photo series published in the ad-mirable Trouser Press in 1978. "Thephotographer was Mitch Kearney," con-tinues Robbins, who was the publisherand editorial director of TP, "and we gota lot of flak from Kiss's publicity repre-sentatives. (Simmons, however, had agood laugh over the whole thing.)" And,in fact, the photo series Robbins hasenclosed (which we just saw for the firsttime, we swear) is very funny.

Only two people showed up at sï'schampagne brunch time-travel partylast summer (see letter on page 18), buta third person did convey regrets: "I amafraid I cannot accept your tempting in-vitation. . . . I wish to retain my anonymity

for obvious reasons. . . . I must make cer-tain changes in the capitalist structureof the West rather quickly in an effort toavoid a major disaster of not just eco-nomic proportions« The note was signed"The Unseen Master" and dropped offat The Puck Building. Shortly thereafter,we moved.

A couple of follow-ups: Mike Tysonwas fined for speeding again (see "Carand Driver, Heavyweight Division," byJohn Brodie and Bob Mack, December1988). The Dean Witter mural on KingsHighway in Brooklynthe one with theembarrassingly wrong Dow predictions("When Dean Witter Talks, People Listento E.F. Hutton," by Andy Aaron, May)has been painted over, according to areader from Brooklyn. In early August,Dino DeLaurentiis ("The Little ProducerThat Couldn't," by Mark Frankel,August) offered to buy back DeLauren-tus Entertainment Group, the moviestudio he had run into bankruptcy andleft a year before. And Dave Steadmanof London, Ontario, has written us re-garding Norman Lear's art imitatingNorman Lear's life ("Desperately Seek-ing Seriousness: The Rise and Rupture ofMedia Zillionaires Norman and FrancesLaar' by Leah Rozen, June). Steadmanreports that while no black teenagerwas ever adopted by Lear's TV charac-ters, in an early episode of Maude theFindlays did invite a black girl to spend avacation with them, and that FrancesLear's illness was "covered" not only inMary Hartman's crackup but also whenMaude's manic-depression caused herto campaign for Henry Fonda for presi-dent (Maude is "cured," writes Stead-

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mous," by Sydney Schuster, August)? If Ihad been Socrates, Buddha and Charle-magne iii past lives and turned up as sucha dud this late in the game, I sure wouldnttell everybody.

Anne HarveyPhiladelphia, Pennsylvania

DEAR EDI-roas nough is enough! St.Marks Place between

Second and Third Avenues already hasenough weirdos, wackos and assortedkooks who camp on our stoops, puke andpiss in our doorways, and block the side-walks selling recycled garbage. The lastthing we need ¡s sPY encouraging morepeople to descend upon us and sell theirjunk ["Getting Rich Quick: The InsideStory of Americù Newest, Most Syrier-gistic Import-Export/Money-Funneling!Artificial-Flower Conglomerate," by AndyAaron and Steve Radlauer, Augusti.

All peddling (even books and rnaga-zines) is illegal on this block. Until we canget the laws enforced, we're going torecommend that peddlers set up shop infront of The Puck Building. Were sureyou'll be fascinated by their collections of

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The Power Vacation is a nocompromise holiday.

Within the privacy of its 22beach front acres lies luxury

beyond expectation.With luxury comes choice:

choice'at dinner betweenthree different restaurants.

Choice of water sports -scuba, waterskiing, sailing,

ratty old textbooks and beat-up maga-zincs; in fact, rumor has it you can evenfind ten-year-old issues of si"i' squirreledaway behind copies of ¡.,,r,,rjes in Bondage.

Helayne SeidmanPresident, St. AIarks Place2 to 3 Block AssociationNew York

Peddlers in front of The Puck Bnilding? Fine.

DEAR EDITORS turned on WKLS radio(96.1 FM) on July 28,

in the middle of a dialogue detailingfacetious alternatives to the B-2 Bomber.The segment was virtually identical to"Slow Down and Kill," hyjamie Kitman,in your August issue. While imitationmight he the sincerest form of flattery,"96 Rock" seems to have perpetrated mereplagiarism: no references indicated thatspy was the source of the spot. Evenworse, one ofthe deejays butchered one ofthe punch lines. An inquiry into thewhole tainted affair might be appropriate.

Nick DobsonAtlanta, Georgia

WKLS morning deejaysJefJensen and LornaLove maintain that they did credit si"'.

DEAR EDITORS enjoyed reading 'Dad-dy, You're Not a Fool to

CryYou're Just Terribly Confused" [byJoanne Gruber, Augusti. Although youdetailed extensively the family shiftingthat would occur if Patsy Smith (Mandy'smom) were to marry Stephen Wyman(Bill's son), you neglected to mention chemost startling thing of all namely, thatMandy Smith would become her ownstepgrand mother-in-law!

Because Mandy would become her ownmothers stepmother-in-law, she wouldautomatically become the stepgrand.mother.in-law of any offspring that Patsyand Stephen might have, and since Mandyis in fact Patsy's offspring, shed there-fore become her own stepgrand.mother-i n-law.

Sara Natasha BermanPortland, Oregon

DEAR EDITORS know how much youenjoy poking fun at the

transliteracive foibles of the Japanese, aswell as at the pretensions of a certainQueens-born developer. So, when I sawhow the Donald's last name was misspelled

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man, "through the magic of lithium").This from John Fancy of Sparta, New

Jersey: "Tim Colvin's 'haiku' is not ahaiku [see this space, July]. A haiku has

five syllables in the first line, then seven,then five or six." Actually, the not-quite-haiku we printed wasn't Colvin's, just alittle something we hgd lying around forabout 17 years. (Apart from that oneproblem, John, did you like it?) Farlcyhas enclosed an example of the way itshould be done, but unfortunately, someof his writing is illegible:

Running lue a dogYour noitril in quite itciryPlease don't steg ar ny toe.

Still, we think we're beginning to graspthe general ideo.

And finally, Bill Asp of Arlington,Virginia, checks in with a scientificassessment of America's "squarest city"(see Great Expectations, May). Here isAsp, mightily condensed:

', 'Square' being subjective (and in thisworld infinitely transmutable), measure-ments must pertain to structural possibil-ities that either expand or diminish therange of cultural and behavioral relations.Working from the standard of grosssquareness capacity . . . Considering these

places on o blunt pressure per capitabasis. . metro area. . .individualizedcubic escape potential . . . Best TQS: San

Francisco (19.4285). . . Best ICEP: Law-

rence, Kansas (4,657). . . These ratings are

based on 329 Standard MetropolitanStatistical areas in the United States. ...This is not a poetry submission."

You're darn right ¡t isn't. In factandwe say this with the sort of confidencethat comes from having counted sylla-bies we don't even think it's a haiku.

C O R R E C T I O N S

In "Slaves of The New Yorker" (by Jen net

Conant, September), the dates of em-ployment for one of the Vedettes quotedin the story were misstated. Our apolo-gies to anyone who was inconveniencedby this error.

When we mentioned, in the June Great

Expectations, the "wacky parking-lotzillionnire Al Hirschfeld," we meant AbeHirschfeld, who as far as we know is nota gifted caricaturist, never traveled withS. J. Perelman and conceals no Ninosanywhere for the public to detect.

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DEAR EDITORS esponding to Ryan"Tiger Beat Happens

to Be an Excellent Magazine, Far Out-shining Bop or Even Teen Bear" Witte'squery as to 'Just what exactly is a TasoLagos?" (From the SPY Mailroorn, Au-gust)1 wenc around and posed thatpressing issue to relatives and friends.

My parents both laughed and got upand walked away. They never heard ofand thought I'd said Pic." My younger

Secret

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sister is too busy being a GAP (Greek-American Princess) to even bother withanything that doesn't concern purchasingthe latest fashions from Nordstrom's orwatching sappy, Anglophilic MasterpieceTheatre TV episodes. My brother is preoc-cupied with his upcoming trip to Greeceand therefore didn't want to discuss theissue.

As for my friends, we!!, they cheerfullyacknowledged that my having worked inHollywood for the past seven years as ascript doctor has left me a bit peculiar.

I hope Mr. Witte can now sleep betterat nights knowing this.

I45O Lagos

Seattle, WashingtonWhat do you say, Other Readers: shall we gonghim?

DEAR EDITORS nlike my former col-league at The New

Yorker Gwyneth Cravens, I did consent tohe interviewed for Jennet Conant's pieceabout that magazine and one of its staffwriters, Ved Mehta ["Slaves of The NewYorke,, September); I hoped that my corn-ments would provide needed balance in

Ms. Conant's portrayal, since my ex-perience in working with Mr. Mehta wasa positive one. How unfortunate, then, tofind that the only remark ofmine Ms. Co-nant repeated in her one-sided diatribewas inaccurately quoted. I never said that"there seemed to be a tradition [at TheNew Yorker) that the writers neversharpened their own pencils:' Further-more, when read that quote by si'i's

checker, I denied having said somethingso sweepingly snotty. One of che manyvaluable lessons I learned from Ved wasnever to make unwarranted generaliza-tions. lt's a pity more journalists haven'tLearned it as well.

Amanda VaillNew York

What Vail did want to be quoted as sayingwas simply lt seemed like the (New Yorker)writers never sharpened their own pencils." SPYdeeply regrets the error

spy welcomes letters from its readers. exceptTaso Lagos. Address correspondence to siY.

The SPY Building, 5 Union Square West. NewYork. N.Y ¡0003. Please include yonr daytimetelephone number Letters may be edited forlength or clarity. )

GIJINNESSDeep.Dark.

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T Hf R I N T

byjarnie Malanowiki

SEX, NUIS AND QUESTiON-NAIRES

Every once in a while someone in Washington gets ambitious and tries co turn thealready elephantine and in-trusive federal governmentinto a true Orwellian ma-chine. Ordinarily we aregrateful to the people whothwart chose plans. But onecase last summer tested thelimits of our gratitude. whenche man who stopped thegovernment turned out to beone of the most ferociouslyhomophobic congressmen inWashington.

The National Institutes ofHealth, aiming to examineAmericas sexual habits. pre-pared a long survey (morethan 200 questions) that arandom group of citizenswere co answer during per-sonal and phone interviews.NIHs aim was co get a statis-cical picture ofour sexualhabits. which, it maintained,would help in the fight againstAIDS. But after seeing thequestionnaire, the HouseAppropriations Committeedenied funding. The mcm-bers felt that this just wasn'tappropriate," said a spokes-man for the subcommitteethat cut the funds. "The feel-ing was that it just wasn't ap-propriate for the governmentto ask people intimate ques-tions about sexual behavior."

Well! we thought. Wereenlightened people. Werecognize the need for infor-mation. We understand


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LIKE ALL CAUSES CíLñRES embraced by those who

Hampton, the current Lyme-tick paranoia has in-spired some extreme antics among eastern LongIsland's high-strung, competitively wealthy part-ti me residents. Palooka singer-songwriter BILLYJOEL and ultrawhite model CHRGTIE BRINKLEY, ofcourse, possessed the discernment and wherewithalto demand the best possible defense, last summer,against the fashionable fear: an armada of "spe-cially bred" hens, 20 strong, were given free reignto wander the grounds of the couple's East Hamp-ton manor. The Joels' prime directive to their at-tack poultry: Seek out deer ticks anddevour! And justin case the supposedly tick-eating chickens let afew get away, Brinkley was careful over the summerto augment her Brinkleyesque bikini with im-penetrable, deer-tick-thwarting (but still thigh-revealing) rubber hip waders.

PLAYBOY-STYLE FLESH-ON-THE-HOOF dating ritu-als are making a comeback in Hollywood. JAYBERNSTEIN, the talent broker who made FAWCETT asuperrespected household word, recently rejecteda married prospective personal assistant - his as-sistant serves as his "platonic wife' an aide ex-plained. Whenjay invites a woman he'd like to getto know better to come by his place, she is greetedby the assistant, whose job it is to warm up theyoung lady, much the way Johnny Olsen used towarm up the studio audience on The Price ¡s Right.The assistant serves wine and cheese and makessmall talk for an hour or so. Thenjay, whose publi-cist calls him the Starmaker, arrives to preside overthe critical portion ofthe evening. Also in that big,bubbling, megaswanky hot tub of a town, WestCoast Trump manqué DONALD T. STERUNG (Let'ssee . . .prt,-sportsfranchise, hotel. snperimpressivefirsr name?

Check.) acts as purveyor for his underlings. At aChorus Linelike cattle call for an opening in thepublic-relations department of the Donald Ster-ling Corporation, he asked one nubile finalist, whohad just finished explaining that she had no expe-rience but was willing to do anything, to walk

C. BRINKLaY W. GOLDBERG j. BRISLIN

around the room. Sorry, the minimogul in-formed her, i tkn't have a job for you. But wouldyou be interested in dating one of my vice presidents?

SPY's COVERAGE OF THE LIMOUSINE-HIRING poli-

cies ofblack performers has been quite thinbutbetter late than never. Money-mad faux nice guyBuu. Cour, who was recently honored at Yale, wascharacteristically despotic when it came to decid-ing whdd drive him to New Haven. I want a black

driver, he told the Yale-supplied white chauffeurwho came to pick him up. When the abasheddriver told Cosby there was nothing he could doabout his skin color, Cosby demanded that a blackdriver take him back after his visit. When thechauffeur relayed his boss's demurral, the comedi-an flew into a rage, then maintained a pointedsilence all the way homewhere Cosby's door wasopened by his very own black chauffeur. Whilefilming The Long Walk Home in Alabama, WHooptGOLDBERG didn't want just any black person todrive her aroundshe wanted her own brother,Clyde, whom Goldberg hadth seen in 12 years.Clyde was hiredand, Frank Stallonelike, hasjust moved to Los Angeles to become an actor.

IT WAS ONE OF THOSE QUAINT exercises in localpolitics, where the minions of an all but unbeat-able candidate for an all but meaningless localoffice spend a morning at a subway station passingout leaflets to an all but uncaring public. This par-ticular exercise, conducted on behalfofCiry Coun-cil candidate RONNIE ELDRIDGE, was enlivened by the

presence of her husband, who also happens to bea columnist for the least-read daily in town. Andhow did that Pulitzer winner conduct himself onthe stump? "Hey, kid!" JIMMY BRESUN screamed atone fellow citizen caught crumpling an Eldridgebroadside. "That flier's about my wife. You throwthat out and I'll have to beat the shit out of you."

THE LETTERS AND MEMORANUUMS OF

DEBORAH GORE DEANA Revisionist SPY Biograph)

USC because a person has emerged as the mega-bimbo and major fixer at the center of the vast,

$2 billion HUD scandal doesnt mean she doesn'thave a good side. In fact, just an afternoon spentshuffling through the enormous cache of Dean'sofficial correspondence that has been seized bycongressional investigators shows that we may havejudged Dean too quickly.She has been called a sycophant. But isn't she reallyjust a people person?

(Letter to New York senator Alfonse D'Amato)Dear AI:

i saw a clipping in ehe Daily News ofur daughterLorraine. What a lovely bride. . . . You're a lucky daddyto have such a beautiful daughter and I'm sure that Lisa's

baby will be the spitting image of you, making!9g6 - complete with re-election your best 3ear

She's been accused of giving away the store. Doesthis memo show her to be the sort of person whowould tolerate people getting something fornothing?

.

I17/(f

(A handwritten note to an associate)Luisa The copy isfine huit i strongly suggest you changethe title ofthefact sheet. "On the House"is not appropriate.

She's been accused of being a disgrace to the agency.

Is this a person who seems ignorant about standards,or perhaps just as they apply to her?Memorani/un jar: A an Banning, Associate DirectorOffice ofPresidential Personnel

¡n reference to the attached inspector General's reportconcerning allegations that M, W routinely arrives late

for work . . . the Secretary and ¡fiel that (you should) re-quest Mr Wr resignation. . . . Behavior ofthis type cannotbe tolerated and to allow it to continue would be a detri-ment to the goals ofthe Reagan Administration.

She's been accused of hiding the truth. Does thismemo reveal her as anything but boldly honest?jA handwritten note to John Mooring, specialassistant to the under secretary of HUD)

j M . - I want you to emass (si c) great wells ofpower andwield it on my behalf Andrea Rider

PRIVATE LIVES OF PuBLIc FIGURES

J im Bakker rehearses with bu lawyers for his next court appearance.

ILLUSTRATION BY DREW FRIEDMAN

THE SPY LIST

Billy Barty

Warren Beatty

Napoléon Bonaparte

Montgomery Clift

Michelangelo's David

F. Scott Fitzgerald

Clark Gable

Timothy Hutton

John Lennon

Donald Trump

TNt P1141 PuNT COHTIPIUtD

that surveys are conductedwith social-scientific objec-tivity and clinical distance.How objectionable could thesurvey be?

We took a look, anddamned ifihe survey didn'tseem to get awfully personalin a way that we are disin-dined tO have governmentsget. lt started off simplyenough, asking name, accu-pation, race, education andother standard survey ques-tions, such as whether withinthe last five years you hadspent a week or more in NewYork, northern New Jersey,Miami, Houston, San Fran-cisco or Los Angeles. Thenthe survey began to focus onyour sexual partner, askingquestions that have an imme-diate and obvious connectionto fighting AIDS:

What is (yourpar:nerJ) bügh:?

What aboui (your parnur'i)weigh:? li/was (your partner):Y, thin, son,ewhat thin, aboutaverage. iomewhai overu'eight.(or) very overweight?

When did ou Jirit mee: (»,urpar:ner)?Just give me the monthand Ya' How did ou first meer?(T)hrougb mutual friend,,(when) working together. (at)work-related auivi:y, (when)taking claiset together in yourneighborhood. by chance. . . (orin) some other way?

Soon enough the questionscut to che matter at hand.

Who, did first become in-volved sexually with (your par:-ner)?Jars: give mc the month andyear Do you think you will bave¡ex u'ith (your partner) again?

When was the last time you hada sexual experience u'i:h (yourpartner)? (And your other pari-ncr?) Were you involved in sexualactivity with (your partner) and(your other partner) at the sametime? . . . Sometimes. when we Startasking questions about partners.people remember other partnersthey have had. Is there anyoneelse you were involved with sex-orally during the past yoar thatyou havent told me about? Hou'

many other people u'e' youinvolved with during


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ibe past year?..

Now lets talk about . . . when

you last bad sex with (yearpartner). . . . Where did yoahave sex? (The responses per.micted were "your home,'your partner's home," "someone else's home." "a hotel ormotel," a Car or vanj" atwork," in a public place" or"other.")..,

What did you h, to hour par:.ner)?Jut: give me the number onthe card. (The choices on thecard were "hug." kiss. deepor tongue kiss," undress yourpartner," 'stimulate your part.ncr's breast or chest with yourhand," stimulate your part.ncr's breast or chest wich yourmouth, "rub your genitals onyour partner's body," "stimu-late your partner's genitalswith your hand," "stimulateyour partner's genitals withyour mouth," "vaginal inter-course," "stimulate your part.ncr's anus with your fingers."stimulate your partner's anus

with your mouth," "analintercourse.")

What did (yeurpariner) do toyou? Give me tise number on the

card. Did yea hatie an orgasm?Did (your partner) bave anorgasm? How did you reach

orgasm? That is, what were yeaand (ynur partner) doing at thetime? You can tell me the numberfrom this card. How did (yourpartner) reach orgasm? You cantell me the number on the card.

About bow long did your sexualactivity with (your partner)last? . . . (Please give me the length

o/time in minutes or hours.)

Hou' didynufeel aboie: theamount o/sexual activity with(yoierpartner)? Didyoafeel therewas the right amount, or wouldyo have liked more or less?...On a scale of I to ¡O, how close

emotionally (do/did) you/eel to(your partner) . . . where IO itvery close emotionally, and I isnot clos: at all?

When you bad sex with (yearpartner), how often did (yourpartner) perform oral sex on you?

Was it always, usually, some-times, rarely, or never? When auhad sex with (your partner), howoften didyou perform


WHERE THE 250-LB PRISON. MATRON STANDS GUARD

Gloaí-o-Rarna: Leona H

f she is sentenced to cold, hard time later thismonth, feloness Leona Helmsley will be at the mer-cy ofthe Federal Bureau ofPrisons, which decideswhere those convicted of federal crimes will paytheir debt to society The bureau makes everyeffort to place prisoners in the federal facilitynearest their home (official term: release destination).Leona's release destination being DunnellenHall - the Helmsleys' superfantabulous 28-acreGreenwich, Connecticut, mansion her designatedprison might very well be (the bureau won't say forsure) the all-female Federal Prison Camp an hour'sdrive away in Danbury.

Of the five all-women federal facilities in theUnited States, Danbury has the smallest popula»tion, a cozy 150 inmates. And for someone who isgood.address.obsessed, the fact that Danbury wasnamed by Money magazine last year as the best cityin America should ease considerably the embar.rassment of serving time. On the down side, saysCraig Apker, public-information director for theDanbury camp, there's always "a great deal of workto be done:'

What kind ofwork? Will Leona, the self-styledperfectionist, be manufacturing license plates, forinstance, or breaking rocks, or repaving l-84 as

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part of an all-woman chain gang while guards andhounds look on hungrily? "No, no, no' insists Ap.ker, who says that a lot ofthe work at Danbury in-volves landscaping its 387 acres (359 more acresthan even Leona is used to). But is it possible thatthe warden would force a 69»year-old womaneven one as tough and hard as Leona to dig holesand pull weeds? "I can't respond,' his spokesmansays. "I can only tell you generally that there are alot of older people who do work in the field:'

After putting in a full day's work, Leona will beable to kick offher regulation steel-toed work bootsand relax in the prison "dormitory," which offerslarge, open cubicles (no bars) that accommodateup to four women apiece. The showers, a focus offemale prison camp life at least as it is portrayedin many girls-behind-bars movies aren't private,either.

Will Leona be able to participate in any re-habilitative programs? Apker replies stonily, "It's awork camp." The tedium, however, will be brokenif Leona's certifiably enfeebled husband, Harry,takes advantage ofvisitation rights (hours are 8:00a.m. to 3:00 p.m., every day but Tuesday andWednesday). Conjugal visits are not allowed.

- Bob Mack

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'isee you've switchedVodkas, Vladimir"

"I seeyou are as perceptiveas you are beautiful, Natasha"

ICY COLD. ICY CLEARS ICY VODKA. IT'S SMOOTH AS ICE.

Vodka. 40% Alc by Volume. Imported by Brown-Forman Beverage Co.. Louisville. KY 1989

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oral ux on (,wr parmer)? Wasil always. iisally, some:imes.rarely. or never?

On average over the pas: yearhow often did; masturbate?

&),ty puberty, snany childrenengage in sex play with other

children which involves lookingal or exploring each other, bodiet.While vu u'ere growing up, didn do ibis a great dual. some. a

little. or not at all?

The survey also containsquestions about abortion.sexual dysfunction and flash.ing. subjects that to a lay.person seem tenuously relatedto AIDS. Thankfully, no rep.resentative of the governmentwill now visit your homeand record your answers cothese questions (or. if onedoes. he or she wont get paidfor it; and neither will you -respondents co the federalsurvey were to get $50).

The most outspoken opponent of the survey was Repte.sentacive William Dannemayerof California. a sex.obsessedand generally knuckleheadedRepublican from OrangeCounty Dannemeyer had pre.viously distinguished himselfby accusing people wich AIDSof emicting spores. But oneof his most peculiar momentscame lastJune 29, when hetook to che floor of the Houseco address his colleagues onthe matter of homosexuality.

Milicant homosexuals donot want you to know of thebehavior that defines their ex-istence: thundered Danne.meyer, standing at the podiumin the well of che historicchamber. They do not wantyou to know that the averagehomosexual has . . . sex two orthree times a week goodGod, no!with '1,0O0 ormore partners in his life.time. . (and) has experiencedreceptive anal penetration. orthe insertion of one man'spenis in another man's rec-tum. . . . The average homosex.ual's favorite activities includereceiving oral sodomy - thatis, putting one man's penis inanother man's mouth; perfor-ming anal penetration; andparticipating in mutual oralsodomy. Other activities


1 New Yorkers who think they're comedians there is just one answer. Stationed by the Lincoln Centerfountain, we stopped 50 passersby and earnestly posed (he question above.

DELIVERED PUNCH LINE-32%'Praaice, practke, practice. No. itc an oldjoke. So what you do

i_r take that angled.rtree: down to 5 7th and turn left" man inBermuda shorts. You gotta keep practicing" OfficerNelson, New York Police Department. Practice. No,

walk down to 5 7th Street and east two blocks" - woman withChannel I 3 bag. "Practice. lt East 5 7th Street. No. wait.

Walk dou'n Broadway: you/I see it" man in baseball cap."Practice. . . . Hey, you want a free ticket? lt's Slaughter on

Tenth Avenue"scalper outside New York StateTheater. 'Praciice. Itr on 5 7th and Seoenth. Alrnoitfir'e blocks

dowi bum in Yankees cap. "Yeah, I know thatjoke. Prat-lice" balding man. "The standard answer is 'Practice,' butit:, 56th and Seventh walk down that Street where all theca.bs are beadinf preppy. "ltr on 5 7th and Seventh. Aren'tyou glad I didn't say, 'Practice, practice. practice?" man in

su nglasses. "Practice. No. Seventh Avenue and 5 7th Street"

man in Hawaiian shirt. 'Practice. !tr a veryfarnousjoke. Aguy gets into a cab and says. 'How do i gel to Carnegie Hall?'and the answer is, 'Practice' "- woman in red'and-whicedress. "1 don't know, but itsfunny you shouldask because there,

'Practice"man with pinkie ring."Practice. Thank you. l've always wantedto say that" young

man in yellow shirt. "Practice. then go to .5 7th Street" tallman. Are you serious? The correct response is 'Practice' "- red'

haired woman n chartreuse skirt. Practice, practice, prat-tice"man in hurry.

DIRECTIONS ONLY (ROUGHLY CORRECT)-30%"lt's on Seventh Avenue down at the end of the park"Englishman . "The easiest way to get there is to walk over to

Broadway and down to 5 7th" man in gray suit. "See theHotel Empire? Thke that street to 5 7th and hang a left" mus-

cular man in tight black sleeveless T.shirt. "I'm pretty sure

it:% on 5 7th and Seventh. Yeah, 5 7th and Seventh. I think"

man with knapsack. "Ftfty-Setienrh and Seventh. Thatway" woman in orange T.shirt. "Go straight down Broad-way to 5 7th Street. Make a left. You can't miss it. You'll be

okay" concerned woman. "Straight down Broadway on57th Streetelderly couple with Zabar's bag. "Go pastONeal's about five blocks. You can take a bus or walk"bearded man. "Fifty-seventh and Seventh. Right on the cor-

ner"woman with Jersey accent. "Its just down on 57thStreet" Englishman. "Take any oftbese bt.eses. Get offat 5 7th

Street and walk to Seventh Avenid scalper. "lt's on 5 7th

Street. Go down Broadway, then left" woman with toomuch lipstick. "TheNo. 7buspt.itsyou righttherfman inred baseball cap. "Take the ¡04 bus" man with thick,black'framed glasses. "5 7th and Broadway" cabdriver.

DIRECTIONS ONLY (INCORRECT) 10%"Walk down to 5 7th and over to Sixth. i think itr on Sixth

Avenue. Yeah, it's on Sixth"mustachioed man in suit."Walk down Broadway to Columbus Circle. At Sixth, go across

to Sixth Avenue, then go downtown tu'o blocks and it's between

Fifth andSixth" New York City police officer. "Okay lt'snot here at all. Go down Columbus and make a left and ilr on

the other side over on Sixth Avenui man with foul breath.

'ltrjust down on 55th Street" man with deep voice. "Fifty.eighth andSixthwoman with gold earrings.

NO HELP AT ALL-26%..l think it that way, bui I'm not sure. l've only been in New

York a yearyoung woman, apparently a dancer. "Thatwaf pointing woman. You're asking the wrong people.

Wire tourists" pleasant, well'dressed woman, "Its snorelike in midtown, btt better take a cab i/you want to make it

by eight olock"young man with tweezed eyebrows."Okay, itc very easy" man with beard. "Ii's not nearhenhis female companion. He: "Don't discourage beE"She: "WhO'S discouraging ber?" He: "Okay, go down Broad.

way to 5 7th and make a righC She: "No. no, no. You go down

Broadway andmakea left." He: "Didisay right?" She: 'l'es.

you did." "Huh?" cabdriver. "Youe at Lincoln Centerwhy notgo to something here?' man in seersucker suit. "lt'ssomewhere down then' man reading a book. "Ob. youwalk down the Broadway and then you almost hit it"Scandinavian man. "God, how shouldlknow?"religiouswoman. "I don't know, but do ynu know bow to get to Tower

Records?"enthusiastic young man. "Dontask nie. I'm nota cabdriver"elderly woman.

DELIVERED PUNCH LINE (INCORRECTLY) 2%"Study. stud study. No. Go down Broadway to 5 7th

Street"grcen'eyed woman.

- Nell Scovell

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peculiar co homosexuality in-dude rimming. . .goldenshowers . . . fisting or hand.balling. . .and. . .insercingdildos, certain vegetables orlight bulbs up another mansrectum.

"Militant homosexualscringe at the thought of whatthese graphic images mean[toi most Americans." At thatpoint. Dannemeyer put hisresearch, and himself, intocontext: "Mind you, he said,most Americans do not view

homosexual sodomy in thesame light as heterosexual in-cercourse or even the aberra-tion of heterosexual sodomy.

The congressman continuedhis jag at length. discussingwhy homosexuals do not de-serve civit.rights protectionand the extent of homosex-uats influence on society("Beyond the obvious fields ofentertainment. literature andcertain creative occupations,they have systematicallyentered professional fields").Dannemeyer concluded hisperoration with the pledgeAs long as I . . . serve in theU_s. Congress, I will continueto affirm the heterosexualethic at every tUrn."

Dannemeyer is consideredzany and intolerant even byfellow homophobic Republi-cans. In [987, Democratsreleased a purported secretmemorandum that showedthat while GOP consultantswere urging that the epidemicbe exploited for partisan pur.poses (if we are low key, logi-cal sounding and stressingthe importance of protectingfamilies," the memo read,"then we should find ourselvesin excellent shape in '88").they wanted no part of Dan-nemeyer. The memo describedhim as "a live grenade" on theissue and said he was "prac-tically foaming at the mouthany time anyone made even aslightly sympathetic referenceto people with AIDS."

JUST SAY NO, UNLESSTHEY INCLUDE EXPENSESDon't do drugs, we tell ourchildren, and we explain why:they'll sicken you, impoverishyou, undercut your talents,rob you of your livelihood,alienate your friends,


OGROLLING IN OUR TIME

"[His] searching meditations on the love and hate of war. . . are among the most eloquent I have read in

modern literature." - William Styron on Philip Caputo's A Rumor of War

"I devoured it. . . . Belongs to the grand tradition of Tess of the D'Urbervilles, Madame Bovary, and Anno

Karenina," Caputo on Styron's Lie Down in Darkness

"Indian Country is the mature work of one of our most important writers."- Nicholas Proffitt on Philip Caputo's Indian Country

"One of the major novels to come out of the Vietnam War."- Caputo on Proflitt's Embassy House

"Goes far beyond anything I have encountered in the literature of Vietnam."Tim O'Brien on Philip Caputo's Indian Country

"Not only the best novel about the Vietnam War, but among the finest works of fiction in contemporaryAmerican literature." Caputo on O'Brien's Going After Cacciato

,. ,', "e;

TE NEW, IMPROVED

[ii SMITH

TÜTE BOARU ,

A Monthly Tally

Clients of press agentJeffrey Richards....mentioned once every 3.4 days

Meryl Streep .............................. once every 4.8 daysRoseanne Barr ....................................... every 6 days

Kirk Douglas ........................................every 6 days

Madonna .............................................. every 6 days

Yoko Ono ..............................................every 6 days

Barry Diller ........................................... every 8 daysJaneFonda ............................................ every 8 days

A. R. Gurney Jr ...................................... every 8 days"Yours truly ........................................... every 8 days

Bette Midler .......................................... every 8 days

JosephPapp .......................................... every 8 days

Arnold Scoasi .......................................every 8 days

Elizabeth Taylor .................................... every 8 days

Barbara Walters ....................................every 8 daysMort Janklow ..................................... every 12 daysSwifty Lazar .........................................every 12 days

Liza Minnelli ....................................... every 12 days

Patsy's .................................................every 12 days

Linda Blair ..........................................every 24 days

Iris Love ............................................... every 24 days

SPY .......................................................every 24 days

Howard Kaplan

SEPARATED AT BIRTK?

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Roone Arledge... and a Giant Galapagostortoise?

Pete Dawkins ... and Len Cariou?

Uma Thurman.. and N.Y. RangerTomas Sandstrom?

With Gel Exfo/iant...say goodbye to clogged pores

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THI PINI PIHT CONTINUED

possibly kill you. On theother hand, ifyou survive,you may be able to pick up anice piece of change at speak.¡ng engagements. Here's aflier issued by Greater TalentNetwork Inc. , a speakers'agency in New York.

ALCOHOL ANDSUBSTANCE ABUSECELEBMTIES'"Sid Caejar recoveringalcoholic; outstandingspeaker who always draws alull house; $10,000-$12,500range

"Gregory Harrison -Recovering alcoholic and cocaine addict; former co-scarof Trapperjohn M.D.;very articulate and recently'public on his problems; avery handsome man whodoes all the extra activities;$12,500-$16,000

R.alph Waite Former starof CBS hit TV series TheWa(tonj; recovering alcoholicwho appeals to family values;$7,500-$10,000

"Tony CurtisThe legendaryscreen star; former husbandofJanet Leigh, father ofJamieLee Curtis; Tony is a recover-ing alcoholic and cocaine ad.dict; $15,000 i-

"Margeaax Hemmingway(jic) - Recovered alcoholicand drug abuse(r); she is ayoung screen star and grand-daughter of the late ErnestHemmingway (jic);$5,000-$6,500

Jenn:fer Baisey - Formerstar of soap All My Childrenplaying Manan Colby; a verywarm and motivationalspeaker; $5,000-$6,500

"Stacy Keach Arrestedwhile on location in England(for cocaine possession);several months in prisonhelped to force Stacy to ac-cept professional help whenhe had shunned it for years.A recovering cocaine addict,Stacy feels he got lucky whenhe got arrested; $20,000-$25,000

"Others - BarbaraGordon, $4,500 +;Larry Gadin, $9,000 +;June Allison ('ici $5,500 +;Dick Van Dyke, $12.500 +;Meredith MacRae, $6,000 +;Suzanne Somers, $12,000 +;Patty Duke, $15,000 +


UCOME TO BLOOD-RED CHINA,

LAND UFOPPORTUN UYlt's an Ill Wind That Doesn't Make Somebody Richer

emember those stirring days lastJune when hun-dreds of thousands of students peacefully gathered¿n Tiananmen Square to call upon their govern-ment for the right of self-determination? Few haveforgotten the stoic faces of the hunger strikers,or the clumsy, touching plaster Statue of Libertymaquette they raised as a symbol oftheir hopes, orthe bloodbath that followed. But time moves fast inthe world of free enterprise, and memories do notlinger, even memories of people being crushed bytanks. Within a few weeks, most capitalists operat-ing in China managed to put the carnage behindthem; a few even cheered the terrific opportunitiesit had created. We asked some businessmen fortheir view of the current economic climate inChina, and here is what they had to say.

"When you're talking about the smaller Asianmarkets, your tendencynot your tendency, butyour discipline - should be to buy when the bloodhits the streets. It's a simple rule of thumb."- Andrew Econornos of the Sciidier New Asia Fund,

whose heavy investments in the Hong Kong marketafter the massacre yíelded a 20 percent to 35 percentreturn over the succeeding two months

"If [the massacre) drives everyone else away andit leaves just you, now youve got a million oppor-tunities where before you had just ten."- Richard Barone oftle Maxius investment Gronp, on

v:1Iì

the prospectufor investment in China and Hong Kong

"It's the right time to invest in China. You needto be radical to succeed."- Mohamed Hadid, developer of the Beijing Ritz-

Carlton Hotel, as quoted in Regardie's

"We must, of course, deplore the suppressionand wanton killing of demonstrators and find ap.propriate ways to respond . . . (but) ifyour businessis such that you can make money in a pre-reformenvironment then go ahead."- Roger W Sullivan, president ofthe US-China Business

Council, on how businesses with investments in Chinashould react to the Tiananmen tragedy

"Things are back to normal."John Bonomo, a spokesman for NYNEX

"This was a big event in China, but now thesituation is back to normal. . . . There is a fair heldtwice a year now called the Import and ExportCommodities Fair, which will be held in Octo-ber. . . .People are [already) coming to our officeasking for invitations."- An official in the New York consulate of the

Chinese government, whose court system, in an applica.

tion ofsoundfiscal management, hilled the families of

the executed deenonstrators 2 7 cents for each bulletfired into the victim

- Eddie Stern

y yyyy y yyyy y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y vy y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y y yy y y y y y y y y y

4':MATiCapsule Movie Reviews by Walter "Dateline: The Copa Monhe:t,

the Movie Publicist's Friend

DAD, starringJack Lemmon, Olympia Dukakis, Ted Danson (Universal)%Y/alter i%fonheit says. "A great big love-hug of a movie! Jack Lemmon det-onates with genius as the Great American Everyfather!"

WHEN THE WHALES CAME, starring Paul Scofield, Helen Mirren (Twentieth Century Fox)Walter Monheit says, "Thor they bestow - Oscars!"

SECOND SIGHT, starringJohn Larroquette (Warner Bros.)Walter Monheit says, "John Larroquet-te is a summons to laughter! Be sureto complyunless you want to be held in contempt of comedy!"

STEEL MAGNOLIAS, starring Sally Field, DollyPatton, Shirley MacLame, Daryl Hannah (Tri-Star)Walter Monheit says. "Guess who's been invited to the cinema slumber partyof the year! That's right: Oscar!"

THAT NEW WHITE WINE WAS PERFECTLY SUITED FOR THE OCCASION.

SEEN IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES.

UI atNeI, ' Y; , ., . ,

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(1

NOVEMBER

DATEBOOKEnchanting and Alarming

Events Upcoming

3 Sandwich Day isheld to recognize JohnMontague, fourthearl of Sandwich, theinventor of theeponymous bread-based treat. Montagueis said to have inventedthe sandwich as atime-saving foodstuffduring a 24-hourgambling session. So:why no day for theBaron of Beer Nuts?4 Sadie Hawkins Day.5 Elke Sommer-or,as trivia buffs and herparents know her, ElkeSchletz-turns 48.6-12 National SplitPea Soup Week is heldto "promote the use ofsplit peas in split peasoup"; an event ofparticular interest tothose who are stillmaking split pea soupwith half-filled Xeroxtoner tubes, creosotedrailway ties and piecesofglass ripped out ofabandoned cars.

7 Twenty-seventhanniversary of RichardNixon's "last" pressconference, at whichhe said, "You won'thave Nixon to kickaround anymore." Hewas, ofcourse, tellingan untruth.7 Joni Mitchellknown by no one asElke Schletz turns 46.9 The Museum ofthe City of NewYork presents a four-hour-long lectureon doilmaking.Location ofthe seminaron wardrobe andaccessories TBA.14 Anniversary of thefirst blood transfusion(1666). Members ofthe cotton swabcommunity encouragedto rise, join handsand lift their voices insong.14 Operating RoomNurse Day is held to"inform health careconsumers that thenurse in the operatingroom cares for patientsbefore, during andafter surgery." And,

TEN YEARS AGo IN SPY

"Those kids are all decent athletes,' Dr, X toldme, 'but without drugs they're just a bunch of

college kids who know how to skate or ski. Putthem on steroids and amphetamines, though, andthey could beat anybody. Even the Russians, Hell,

they could win the gold medal."

-from "Will Drugs Transform the 1980Olympics?," by David Owen, spy, November 1979

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one might add,throughout the difficultblood-transfusionprocess.15 No performanceat the MetropolitanOpera; all MetropolitanOpera singers spendthe day in theirapartments paddingaround in silkkimonos, cryinghysterically on thephone with their ex-lovers in Spoleto andingesting elaboratecarbohydrate-heavymeals suitable forlarge families.18-24 National EatingDisorders Week.23 Thanksgiving Dayarrives, and youprobably have a loadof turkey-relatedquestions. Tap into theoriginal party line-the Butterball TurkeyTalk Linetm at (800)323-4848. Last year127,000 callers askedabout Butterball's

5J:7OurlA

HERE!

WhotIn NY?

preferred roastingmethods (the mostpopular questionasked), thawing (No.2) and-what manyturkey enthusiasts fearis an increasinglyoverlooked problemmeat thermometerinsertion (No. 7).26 Robert Gouletturns 56.26 ShoppingReminder: therearc only 24 moreshopping days untilChristmas and,

more important, noshopping days untilRobert Goulet'sbirthday.30 The WellnessPermission Leaguein Lancaster,Pennsylvania, hostsStay Home BecauseYou're Well Day. Theperfect antidote tospending the day atthe office putting upyour YOU WANT IT

WHEN? sign andbrowsing through oldCathys.)

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CE1ESTIA HINDSIGHTSPY! Horoscope for Skeptics

Our regniar look at the horoscopes offamiliar people onmomentous days oftheir lives.

.

Subject: AL NEUHARTH,

Sign: Aries (b. 3/22/24) ,

Date:July 28, 1989Notable Activity: Wrote op-ed piece in USA Today,the newspaper he created, saying that all flightattendants should be unmarried, female, "underage 25; not over 5 feet 4 inches tall; weight lessthan 115 pounds."Horoscope: "Focus on trips [andi ability to strikechord of universal appeal."- Sydney Omarr, Newsday

Subject: JIM BAKKERSign: Capricorn (b. 1/2/40)Date: August 21, 1989Notable Activity: Trial began on charges thathe raised $158 million fraudulently by sellingfake vacation shares at Heritage USA theme parkHoroscope: "Be especially cautious with high-riskinvestments.'- Usha, USA Today

Subject: PETE ROSESign: Aries (b. 4/14/41)Date: August 24, 1989 'Notable Activity: Was banned from major-leaguebaseball for lifeHoroscope: "A little stress at work midweek makes\'t)tl I rrtr11)le.- Laurie Brady, Star

- George Mannes

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READ M y C ti s: 1H i s Wy io TRUM r 1H E WRI CHI Sîu FF

very day, newspapers and magazineschurn out scores of stories. You maythink, "Gee, writing all those headlinesseems like a hard job. How do you learn todo it? Does the New School have courses?'In fact, it's not so difficult, once you havelearned the seven rules:

o¡fyour subject's last name is a homonymor homophone, pun on it relentlessly. This rulemakes journalism easy these days, be-cause the president, the VP and the u.s:s

leading publicity hog all have such names:ABUSH-LEAGUETALE-TheNation, May 21,

1988; BUSH LEAGUE CHARGES-The NewYork Times, June 24, 1988; irs STILL A

BUSHLEAGUE-Ibid., September 16, 1988;BUSH LEAGUE TRANSIT? - Railway Age,March 1989; BUSH LEAGUE: THE PREPPYSTUMBLES-New York, March 13, 1989;THE BUSH LEAGUE-Vogue, April 1989;QUAYLE HUNT TURNS NEWS MEDIA INTOTARGET FOR ANGRY PUBLIC -The Waihing-

ton Post, August 25, 1988; QUAYLE HUN'I

ING-The New Statesman, September 30,

1988; ONTHEQUAYLETRAIL-TheNew Re-public, October 31, 1988; PLAYING THETRUMPCAP..D-Time, September 15, 1986;A TRUMP CARD? - ibid. , September 14,1987; MCA CONFRONTED WITH A TRUMPCARD-Variety, February 17, 1988; THEARrOF PLAYING THE TRUMP CARD Maclean's,

January 30, 1989

oPunning is also useful when first namesare homonyms. Note here how the Daily

News's writers cherish Frank Sinatra's firstname as a renewable resource: FRANKLYSPEAKING - interview with Sinatra, May17, 1976; SINATRA: SPEAKING FRANKLY-

profile, January 22, 1978; FRANKLYSPEAKING AT YALE - article, April 17, 1986

oifyour subject's a singer let his lyricswrite your headline: SINATRA DOES IT HISWAY ATCARNEGIE HALLBENEFIT- New York

Post, April 9, 1974; GOING FRANKIESWAY-Village Voice, April 18, 1974; HE DIDIT HIS WAY-Rolling Stone, June 6, 1974;FRANK DOES IT HIS WAY- Daily News, Oc.tober 16, 1978; OLD BLUE EYES DOES IT

HISWAYATCARNEGIE-New York Post,June16, 1980

42 SlY NOVEMBER 1989

even tesjor composing ¡-ieaallnes tfle L-Z Way

oTo suggest erudition, use the title of aliterary classic in your headline. See how atitle Hemingway himself lifted from Ec-

clesiasces was appropriated for articlesabout the children of prominent people(see also the clever use ofthe homophoneson): INDIA: THE SON ALSO RISES-News-week on Sanjay Gandhi, son of Indira,February 28, 1977; THE SON ALSO RISES-People on Adam Arkin, son ofAlan, March7, 1977; THE SON ALSO RISES-Newsweek

on Ahmad Khomeini, son of the ayatol-lah, June 9, 1980; THE SON ALSO RISES-Forbes on Washington Post publisher Don-aid Graham, son of Katharine, Septem-ber 29, 1980; THE SON ALSO RISES-St.Paul on Stanley S. Hubbard, son of

midwestern rich guy Stanley E. Hubbard,June 1987; THESONALSORISES-Forbes onGeorge W. Bush, son of George H.W.Bush, June 1, 1987; THE SON ALSORISES-Forbes on Barron Hilton, son of

hotelier Conrad Hilton,January 25, 1988

oii can't remember any classics, ap-propriate the title ofa recent book or movie Thewriters at work below ingeniously modi-fled the title of the 1970 best-seller FutureShock to lend their work an air of irony.FITrURE SCHLOCK: THE QUALITY OF LEADER-

SHIPIS STRAINED - Macleanc on Pierre Tru-deau, August 17, 1981; FUTURE SCHLOCK-The Humanist in a review ofa book aboutpsychics, November-December 1984; FU-TURE SCHLOCK- Bostods movie forecasts,January 1988; FUTURE SCHLOCK: VOODOO

DOLLS R US ATTHE FAD FAIR-Vogue on anexhibition of religious effigies, February1988; FUTURESCHLOCK-Interview on lifein the twenty-first century, January 1989

oIfyour subject is politics, let a presiden-

tialipeech writer compose the headline. uriDR.GENTLER NUCLEAR POWER -The Economist,

February 18, 1989; A KINDER, GENTLERBUSiNESS CYCLE? - Business Week, March 6,

1989; ISRAEL: A KINDER, GENTLER OCCU-

PATION-The Economist, March 25, 1989;KINDER, GENTLER SOVIETS - Society, July-August 1989; A KINDER, GENTLER MAR-

RIAGE -The Saturday Evening Post, Septem-ber 1989; A KINDER, GENTLER ANGLER-The WallStreetJournal on the presidential

penchant for fishing, March 8, 1989; .

KiNDER, GENTLER HEALTH poucy-ThNation, December 5, 1988; A KINDERGENTLER NICARAGUA? -WorldPress Review

July 1989; READ MY LIPS, GEORGE: DONi

RAISE TAXES - Business Week, December 5

1988; READ MY LIPS-Barron's on duFidelity Aggressive Tax-Free Fund, October 17, 1988; READ MY ups-The NeYork Times on political phrases, September 4, 1988; READ MY CLICHÉ: AEPIDEMIC OF BUSHISMS -Time on politica

phrases,January 16, 1989; JUST SAY NO-The New Republic, February 6, 1989; JUS1

SAY NO TO THE DRUG WAR-The Na:ioMay 21, 1988; JU5TSAYNO.-To BEGGARS-

Time, August 22, 1988; jUST SAY NO 1UNCLE SAMS MONEY - Christianity Today

September 2, 1988;JUSTSAYNOT0JuNK-Utne Reader, July-August 1989

oSpecialto Esquire editors: When the artide is a hagiography, just addihe appellatiolSaint" to the subject's name or nickname. stBOSS - Esquire on Bruce SpringsteenDecember 1988; SAINT FRANCIS 01HOBOKEN-on Sinatra, December 1987;SAINT MIItH-on activist Mitch SnydeDecember 1986; ST. ELMORFS FILE-ODElmore Leonard, April 1987 (note: RuleNo. 5 observed here as well)

Once you are comfortable with these formulas, feel free to mix and match. Theseheadlines about people named Wrightcombine Rule No. 1 and Rule No. 5: (onJim Wright) THE WRIGHT STUFF-ThNew Republic, October 14, 1985; TIlE

WRIGHT STUFF-The New York Time,,

March 11, 1987; THE WRIGHT STUFF-Time, October 5, 1987; THE WRJGH1STUFF-Los Angeles Times, June 6, 1988;THE WRIGHT STUFF-The New Republic,

May 15, 1989; [on Frank Lloyd Wright]THE WRIGHT STUFF -Vogue, December1982; THEWRIGHTSTUFF-The Wall Stree

Journal, May 21, 1986; THE WRIGHTSTUFF-Newsweek, February 1, 1988; [onthe Wright brothers] THE WRIGHT STUFF-Bicycling, July 1982; TWO BROTHERS HAVE

THE WRIGHT STUFF, 1903 -The Wall Strea

Journal, February 8, 1989- Eddie Stern

bk when the busi-ness of America wasbusiness, a HarvardM.B.A. was the surestroute to wealth. But asthejapanese buy up allour real estate and takeover the world's bank-ing and manufacturing,Harvard may no longerpresent an ambitiousmogul-i n-the-maki ngwith the secret of suc-cess. Other schools mayoffer training in skillsmore appropriate toAmericas standing ¡nthe 21st century. Whatis the confused executive of tomorrow tochoose? Here is a guideto some of the localchoices available.

Ho Di I ÍET THIS GREAT JOB?A SPY Service Feature

Length oInstitution Training

East New York -.i yearsHigh School ofTransitTechnology

The College of 4-5 yearsInsuronc

t'lsw York 7 weeksSchool ofDst.ctlon

HarvardBusincssSchool

% Appli-conts

Entrance Requirements Accepted Some Required Courses

Grade-level reading and math 60 Introduction co Occupations, Explora-skills, good junior high atten- tory Shopsdance record

In top 20 percent ofhigh school 40class, minimum combined SATscore of 1000 or 1200 (depend.Ing on which program you applyfor), personal interview

21 years old, 60 college credits, loo

satisfactory personal interview

2 years Three letters ofrecommendation, 12

one from a former employer;seven.essay, 100-hour application;transcripts; two to four years ofwork experience after college

Principles of Insurance and Surety.ship, Finite Mathematics, Calculus.Economics

Polygra ph Instrument Consideration,Polygraph Question Formulation,Polygraph Examination Techniques,Polygraph Notepack Utilization andOther Related Polygraph Instructions

Introduction to Financial Statements;Organizational Behavior; Control,Competition and Strategy; Manage-ment Communication


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Some Extracurricular Positions for Which Groduates ArcTossi Tuition School Motto Activities Ambience Qualified in Todays Economy Average Starting Salary

N The express ro Student newspaper, cocd Aroma of in Signal or electricai.equipmern $23,000/yearsuccess" varsity handball and dolence maintenance; power/electricity

track teams technician; road-car inspectorair brake inspector

5296(X)-S37,lO() .I agendo aeiorne- Intercollegiate bowling Scent of Xerox Risk management. under $28,000/yearmia" ('Let us be team machine toner writing, insurance brokeringjudged by ourdeeds')

$2.500 plus lodging None None Odor of sweat Conducting polygraph ex $22,000/year(students get a special and fear aminacionsrate st the Ramada Innat 48th Street and

Eighth Avenue: $951dav

$30.700 "Ventas" ("Truth") Corporate Leadership Smell of indo Credit department management $55,000/yearForum. Health Industry lence, Xerox ma- at ajapanese bankClub, Marketing Club, chine toner, sweatReal Estate Club and fear

- Caren Weiner


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NAME THAT Tui

his celebratory gathering occurs at mybehest and I shall be lachrymose if it sobefits me.

She chooses to purchase a terracedincline directed toward a postlifeparadisiacal region.

I request that you prevent a large,glowing orb consisting of incandescentgas from committing fellatio upon myperson.

The leather coverings now encasing mypedal extremities have been manufac.tured for the specific purpose of ambu.latory forward motion.

Allow me the honor of portraying foryou a miniaturized representation of amember of the family Ursidae of theorder Carnívora.

Adieu, jaundiced vehicular pathway

consisting of blocks of baked clay.

You provide illumination for the periodof time delimited by my nativity andthe complete cessation of my metabolicfunctions.

And wc will engage in much jubilantactivity until such time as the maleparent chooses to repossess her vehicleof motorized transport.

The deity had little or nothing to dowith the manufacture of minusculeviridescent seed.bearing fruits.

Expresses deep affection toward yourstruly in the manner of a hardenedigneous object.

Please remove yourself from the imme-diate vicinity ofmy visible collection ofminute water particles, Dr.

- David Yazbek and Howard Korder

sPY What do you like about show business. Bob'

Bob Brivic, Star of Tomorrow: In films Imostly get cast as bag men or derelicts. Itsfun. i was in the orgasm scene in When

Sa//y. . . lt was great. was paidto eat deli sandwiches all day long. )

VYVVVVVYYYVVYVVYYVYYVYYYYVVVVVYVYVvyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

WHAT'S IN

A NAME?A Monthly

A nagrarn Analysii

ROE VS. WADE

ERASED VOW

CHRYSLER

CORPORATIONHELPTRY CAR CORROSION

ELVIS ARON PRESLEY

REPRESSION VALLEY

WILLIAM F. BUCKLEYUCK MY AWFUL BILE

MAYOR ART AGNOS(of San Francisco)GAY MAN'S ORATOR

RONALD LAUDERO, NEAR DULLARD

Andy Aan,n

6 SPY NOVEMBER 1989

LETTERS ¡O THE EDITOR OF THENEW YORKER

SPYperiodicallypublishes Letters to the Editor ofThe New Yorker because The New Yorker aesn't. Still. Addresscorrespondence to "Dear Bob, do SP't'. The SPY Building, 5 Union Square West. New York. N.Y 10003.

DEAR BOB,

I'm puzzled about some ofyour Talk ofthe Townpieces. When you state, "A young friend of ourswrites' for example, do you mean young in corn-parison to Brendan Gill, or merely someone thatthe octogenarian William Shawn would consider astripling? is 'a young woman we know" the same as"a young woman of our acquaintance"? And dothese acquaintances just write in from time totime, or are they simply staffwriters not allowed toreveal their identities?

David AdamNew York, New York

Naive, tru.c:ingfools that we are, we always believed theywere "young friends." and even fantasized about youngf riends ofour own who would write us precocious, carefulletters. it turns out those pieces are indeed usually staff-

written, the )oungfriend" merely a ploy to introduce thefi rst-person singular Let us tell you rather a youngf riend ofours writes, "Let me tell you. this news gnade me

distraught."

DEAR BOB,

Is the situation at The New Yorker becoming sodesperate that you have been forced to resort cotwo-button-placketed, traditionally tennis-tailedpiqué (piqué?) polo shirts and Super High-CruT-shirts to bolster the coffers? Are you sure youradvertising firm has targeted the correct audience?Is this the kind offashion statement The Neu' Yorkerreally wants to be making? Do you really want yourpatrons to "wear all the personality and wit of TheNew Yorker"? I thought the goal was to get them toread the magazine. Does this mean that the comfortable tweed jackets and bow ties traditionallyassociated with The New Yorker have been rejectedfor all time? (Do you think the waiters at the Algen'quin would ever even think of serving anyonewearing a T-shirt, even if it was a Super High.CruNew Yorker Tshirt?) Does the plastic-purse fetishhave anything to do with this?

Eugene A. Bolt Jr.Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Introducing new . : experience couldGrolsch Premium Dry, :: produce.the first dry beer from So ask for GrolschEurope. : : Premium Dry the next

The taste is so / .;: . rime you buy beer.superb, in fact, one of . ... And enjoy the firstour own brewmasters . : dry beer a EuropeanflOW refuses to drink would consider drinking.anything else. 2

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'Z"l'nJane Fonda released her semi-na! Workout video in 1982, the ex-bu!imicnot only provoked a health-and-fitnessmania, she also created a new method ofself-expressioncumcareer rehab for awhole raft of flabby has-beens. Time waswhen getting back in shape was just one ofthe steps a down-and-out performer hadto take to revive a career. But now, recov-ering from an episode of alcoholism or adecade ofobesity in itse/fconstitutes a con-siderable celebrity achievement, worthy ofdocumentation in all media.

Celebrity workout videos also providean almost unbearably intimate new wayfor us to glimpse famous entertainers asthey really are. Reading a book by VannaWhite is one thing; sharing a personalmoment with her in an embarrassing posi-tion on the living-room floor is somethinginfinitely more satisfying. Consult theguide below to choose the famous per.sonal trainer who is right for you. Andremember: go for the burn!

A G000 BUTJOCKS1IFT Is WORTH A THOUSAND WORDSSecond in a Series: SPY Celebrates Show Biz Survivors

Celebrity Fitness Video:Do lt Debbie's WayAthletic Qualifications:Debbie Reynolds was asuccessful pre-aerobicsdancerSupporting Players: Shel-ley Winters, Ten Garr,Florence Henderson,Rose Marie, Dionne Warwick, )aye P.

MorganParticularly Humiliating Sti-etch: "Doggylifts," also known as "the hydrant" ('Bos-oms to the floor!" Reynolds commands)Expert Conditioning Advice: "Shake 'emout, girls!"Activewear: Leotard, neck scarf, OliviaNewton..Joh nstyle headband, false eye-lashes (Jaye R Morgan wears high heels)Evidence of Overtraining: Rose Marienearly dies during hip flexors; ShelleyWinters rests while others exertBest Segment Viewed on Fast Speed: Close.

ups ofDionne Warwick's bouncing chestHousehold Objects Used? Yes - Debbiesuggests using cans or bags of beans ashand weightsExercise-Induced Delusion: Reynolds says,


"I used to do this at Palladium"

Celebrity Fitness Video:Take Time With Pat Boone

Athletic Qualifications:Boone is part owner ofNutra First, a mysteriousnew nutrition company"

Supporting Players: Sev.en elderly, dementedexercisersParticularly Humiliating Stretch: Invisible-giant.beach.ball embrace/knee dipExpert Conditioning Advice: "We've got touse these beautiful bodies God's given us"Activeweor: Spandex Nutra First warm-ups, multiple gold chainsEvidence of Overtraining: Pat trips duringleg stretchBest Segment Viewed on Fast Speed: Rock.

ettes.inspired synchronized "point.step'routi neHousehold Objects Used? NoExercise-Induced Delusion: Pat imagineshe is a sword fighter

Celebrity Fitness Video:L

Richard Simmons and theSi/tier Foxes

Athletic Qualifications: ..

Simmons played a sissy.

ish aerobics instructorhimself on General .-Hospita ; his supportingplayers are the parentsof superfit celebritiesSupporting Players: Jacqueline Stallone,Sal Pacino, Harry Hoffman, Pauline Faw.cett, Shirley SimmonsParticularly Humiliating Stretch: "Rumba"and "Hawaii" arm swingsExpert Conditioning Advice: "Bc sure to sittall and open your chest"Activeweor: Painfully thin Mrs. Fawcettand Mrs. Stallone wear spandex leggingsand perhaps two pounds of jewelry eachEvidence of Overtraining: Al Pacinos fatheris not able to march in placeBestSegmentViewedon FastSpeed: Hand-flexibility exercisesHousehold Objects Used? Yes - chairs tohelp with rump bendsExercise-Induced Delusion: That ShirleySimmons is the parent of a star

Celebrity Fitness Video:. .,. fitness

Fitness Walking With Sal-Walking

'y Strathers -

Athletic Qualifications:Struthers did 295 straightperformances in The OddCouple on Broadway -Supporting Players: Day-id Balboa (creator ofducklike Balboa walking techniiue), blackwalker, elderly walker, well-toned femalewalkerParticularly Humiliating Stretch: Rolling-shoulder stridesExpert Conditioning Advice: "Your footbecomes a rocker. Like a rocking chair!"Activeweor: Bright-blue Lane Bryant bar-gain-bin sweat suit with shoulder padsEvidence of Overtraining: Taking own pulse,Struthers comically feigns chokingBest5egmentVjewedon FastSpeed: Struth-ers waddling through Central Park withBalboaHousehold Objects Used? NoExercise-induced Delusion: That race-walk-ing is "graceful"

Celebrity Fitness Video:Vanna %V'hites Get Slim,Stay Slim

Athletic Qualifications:"An All-American ideal:youthful energy, beautyqueen good looks and a gslim, stunning figure"liner notesSupporting Players: Waiter in restaurant;nameless dinner date described only asVanna's "very special friend"Particularly Humiliating Stretch: This is adiet video, so Vanna doesn't stretchExpert Conditioning Advice: "Never sit stillif you can move around, that's my mottd'Activewear: Pink tank top, slacks andsneakers, spandex leotard, two bluegowns, Flashdance-esque sweats, footballjersey, tight Lakers Tshirt, sequined eve-ning dressEvidence of Overtmining: Too-gleeful prepa.ration of Vanna-Banana breakfast shakeBest Segment Viewed on Fast Speed: Vanna

running up and down staircaseHousehold Objects Used? Yes - blender to

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TMARC MORGEJTHALFREOERICS JOELNAME . NEIMANMARCUS . PARACHUTE BARNEYS OPTICALEXCHANGENEWORX NEWYORK NEWYORK ALLSTORES NEWYORK NEWYOfK NEWYORK

OLIVER PEOPLES 8642 SUNSET BOULEVARD LOS ANGELES, CA 90069

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(continued)

prepare Vanna-Banana breakfast shakeExorcse.Induced Delusion: Vanna receivesa call at home from Pat Sajak

CeIebrty Fitness Video:Marie Osmond: Exercisesfir

Mothers-to-Be

Athletic QucHficotons:Pregnant Osmond says,"Im what you'd call afairly energetic-typeperson" ; .Supporting Ployer Fetus :

Particularly Humiliating Stretch: "Bodybridge" (rhythmically raising and loweringpelvis while lying on back)Expert Conditioning Mvlce: "The warmthfrom your hands in the darkness can . . . ease

sinus congestion'Activewear Clownish flannel jumpsuits,Exorcist-look makeup, headbandEvidence of Overtvaining: Marie apparentlyfalls asleep several timesBest Segment Viewed on Fast Speed: Footcircles during final sleep sequenceHousehold Objects Used? NoExercise-Induced Delusion: Marie hopesviewers will do "pelvic-floor" contractions"at the office, at lunch, even a party"

Celebrity Fitness Video:Sid Caesar's Shape Up!Athletic Qualifications:Former pill- and booze-hound Caesar is now"addicted to exercise"Suppoiling Ploycis: Blondand brunet aerobicspartners who appear in 4.

Caesar's ostensibly amusing eroticdaydreamsPorticularly Humiliating Stretch: Tongueextensions ("to prevent wrinkles")Expert Conditioning Advice: "Keep yourcoccyx on your tushy on that pillow"Activ.weor Blue bikini underpantsEvidence of Overtroining: Caesar coughsup phlegm while showeringBest Segment View.d on FostSpeed: Caesarpacing up and down hotel hallway whilerapidly blinkingHousehold Objects Used? Yes end tables(for "incline push-aways"), pillow, sponge(for forearm squeezes)


Exercise-Induced Delusions: Caesar imag-ines he is, consecutively, German, Frenchand Italian

Celebrity Fitness Video:Looking Good! FeaturingTempesttßledsoe(Vanessa ..

on Cosby)

Athletic Qualifications:Blood relation ofvideds t..,

producer¡-.

Supporting Players: Theideal Sassy magazinefocus groupParticularly Humiliating Stretch: Buttocks-elevating frog positionExpert Conditioning Advice: "Don't forget tobreathe when you jog"Activeweor: Nike sweats, Jheri-KurlsEvidence of Overtraining: Bledsoe yawnsduring small-circle leg liftsBest Segment Viewed on Fast Speed: AnkletwirlsHousehold Objects Used? NoExercise-Induced Delusion: That teenagersbuy exercise videos

Celebrity Fitness Video: ____________

Angela Lansbury's Positive , . ,.. :

Moves

Athletic Qualifications: ,"I'm not a fitness expertor a dietitian. I'm cer-tainly not a fànatic aboutany of this"LansburySupporting Players: None ' " /4Porticulorly Humiliating Stretch: "Cat arch,"on all fours with buttocks raisedExpert Conditioning Advice: "It's worth itto continue to present yourself as awoman of loveliness and dignity"Activewear: Pastel martial-arts jumpsuit,apron (for making "power loaf" bread)Evidence of Overtraining: Near-masturba-tory "bath ceremony' including votivecandles and Lansbury's slow applicationof lotion while in bubble bathBest Segment Viewed on Fast Speed: On-land swimmingHousehold Objects Used? Yes bath towelto hold during shoulder stretchExercise-Induced Delusion: Lansbury corn-ments, "In the sixties, I rocked with thebest of them"

Celebrity Fitness Video: _______Shirley MacLaínec InnerWorkout

Athletic Qualifications:MacLame is flexibleenough to maintainfake lotus position fornearly 60 minutesSupportIng Ployer: Naked

male mannequin with pulsating energypointsParticularly Humiliating Stretch: Mentallyaligning body's invisible "chakras"Expert Conditioning Advice: "Pulsateorange in and around the reproductiveorgans. . . . Feel all the variable colors allthrough the genital area, fusing and cleans-ing and coloring"Activewea,: Oversize peach lounge suitEvidence of Overtraining: Open-eyed medi-tations provoke colorful hallucinationsBest Segment Viewed on Fast Sp.ed: Ob-scene gesturing used to explain "basechakra' located on mannequin's buttocksHousfhold Objects Used? NoExercise-Induced Delusions: Plentiful

Celebrity Fitness Vid-co: The Rob LoweHome WorkoutAthletic Qualifico-lions: Rob played ahockey star in the wretched Youngblood;

one of Us's "America's 10 Sexiest Bachelors"Supporting Players: Justin M. (a produc-tion assistant on Masquerade) arid uniden-tified American modelParticularly Humiliating Stretch: Lowemasturbating in profileExpert Conditioning Advice: "Harder,harder' says Justin, spotting for LoweActiveweor: NoneEvidence of Overtraining: After twostrenuous rounds, unidentified modelneeds "a ten-minute breather"Best Segment Viewed on Fast Speed: Lowe

doing standard, basic-training-style push-ups on top of model for 19 minutesHousehold Objects Used? Yes see SidCaesar's Expert Conditioning AdviceExercise-Induced DelusIon: Th at un identi-fled American models like being spankedon national television

- Dan Zevin

ex. lghtew tip ziih the

Original ¡%gu(lr(/ieFlte

Importedfroti Colombia.

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THE ART OF THE ART OF THE DEALL)naI/ IYllh?IJ), l(:t)O,: ¡j, 1)ona/d Trump. Aggrieved Taxpayer

ne of the more remarkable deals described in The Art ofthe Deal is Donald Trumçis purchase of the Mar-a-Lago estatein Palm Beach. Trump got the mansion, originally priced at$20 million, for a quarter ofthat amount$5 million for thehouse, plus $3 million for the furnishings and $2 million for anadjacent property with only $2,812 actually coming out of hisown pocket.

But one does not become a short-fingered casino operator bybeing easily satisfied. When the local tax assessor backhandedlyconfirmed what a fabulous deal Trump had negotiated bydeclaring the value ofthe property to be $11.5 million-64 per-

cent higher than the purchase price Trump cried foul. He chal-lenged the assessment in court, even though the additional taxesamount to a mere $81,525, less than what he spent last springfor newspaper ads supporting capital punishment. But whatwas no doubt an unintended consequence ofthe suit, which hedid not win, was the glimpse ofthe Mar-a-Lago deal revealed incourt papers, one that shows that the heroic account publishedin The Art ofthe Deal was exaggerated, if not simply false. Belowis the passage in the book recounting the purchase, as annotatedby FRANK CERABINO, a reporter for The Palm Beach Post, wherehis report on these discrepancies first appeared.

Trump said he learned about ¡p, j-:. $20 million In a depoii:ion taken for his in faa, on Aigus: 9. ¡983 - a: Oit/y one o/the foar Indi was

Mar-a-Lago from an anonymous\

IauìJkit against ¡IX (O#'Uy. leas; secn months laser higher iban $15 million

wealthy man today. Thais called //

cabdriver -i said, What, good 1'rump said bu fin: offer onaroand here ihatt ¡1w saIe5 He Mar-a-Lago was turned dou'n bysaid, Well, maybe Mar.a-Lago the Poi: Foirndaiion b«ause heii for sale. The cabbie. Tramp wanted to build 14 houses on

noted, should bave been a real es- the estate.

taie agent. He could have been aI

the breakj, right"

ing Mar-a-Lago was,,a't deal even though ought it t

Because Trump waa reI estate investmentMar-a-Lago was built in t e early 1920s by Marjorie

todd Merri'creather Post, the heiress co the Post cerealA'rcune and, at the time, MrTrump made two moreEdwar4 F. Hutton. Set on twenty acres that fate both the Atlantic Ocean d14 bouse,. lt was oar firm

Lake &rth, the house took four years t/uild and has 118 rooms.. hree / October 1983 and October 1985.he would noi get approval/or

boatloacs of Donan stone were Italy for the exterior Is, a 6" During those two years, the /ouo.thai - building hosties. said PostFoundation board member Rion'"\ 36,000 4anish tiles dating back to t fifteenth century were usedn te'- dation went io ontrt four

When Mrs. Post died she gave.xe house to the federal gov4(ree'r use

different limes without gettingCaniacuzene. tenor and the interior.i I

''\as a presidential retreat. The go,/ernment eventually gave th/hback to theas each ofthefour deals fellany cozinteroffers from Trump

throughPSst Founation. and the fo/ndation put it up for sale% an asking price of

mentioned $2 million he paidJòr 2rnillioi. I first lookedÁt Mar-a-Lago while vacató(n(in Palm Reach in

pgoi.97rcen:financ.

Plus another virivally.nerier-

403 fee: ofoeanfrontproperty in 1982.Almosc immediately I put in a bid of $15 ml1ofl and it was promptlyfront o/Mar-a-Lago. The prop- Over the next few years, the foundatioygned contracts with severeriy was valued al $1 million, other buyers at higher prices than I'd offered, only to have them fa oughbui since the owner could bave

before closing. Each time that happened, I put in another bid, ut always at abuilt on the property and blocked

ì'er..sum than before. ing on Mar-a-Lago/mm ChaseMar-a-Lagos access lo the watethe was able io squeeze 1/se/osen- FinaìÌjin-1ate 1985, 1 put in a cash of37er$5 million, plus another $3- Manhattan Bank. laying ou:

dation. and thus Trump. million fòr che uìI5ISbAg in the house. Apparently, the foundation was tired only $2,812 o/bis own money as- of broken deals. They accepted my offer, and we closed one month later. a down payment.

The day the deal was announced, the Palm Beach Daily News ran a huge front-page story with the headline MAR-A-LAGOS BARGAIN PRiCE ROCKSOne estate ]-COMMUNIIW.

Soon, several far more modest estaçps on property a fraction of Mar,agossize sold for prices in excess of$3$'ísillion. Ive been told thauheñhínishings

A fraciion. yes - and quite a in Mar-a-Lago alone are wo1rmore that I paidior-theliouso. lt usc goes to 7mp l)as testified iba: Mar-a.large one. something in the neigh. show that it pays to move quickly andciiveIywhen the time iright Upkeep Lagos upkeep costi between

borhood v/five-sevenths. BuiofMar a Lago ofcoujpfteíjFor hat it costs each yea..

total under-utilization ofthis Monisorrel. a 35.O.sqare.fooi

¡

America.

Trump's own hired apprais.

$2 million and $2.5 million a

the size. In a deposition he noted anywhe eIsTrump didn't always boas: about year Thai estimate has been ton-

iradic:edby of a/I people,that Mar-a-Lago was incoa-veniently big. saying. Lefs not - Joh,, Underwood. who has comekid ourselves, Mar.a.Lago, while up with a much lowerfigure. Init's a great national treasure. is a rThe jar more mode court. Underwood testified. Theit estaie' is

More valuable than $5 million? only way i can see that be gotpropery. And indeed. he sub- Palm Beach mansion with 608 They were valued ai between from the figure u'e were given totracted $2.5 million from the feci o/oaan frontage that was $1 million and $1.64 million in $2.5 million wouldbe includingvalue o/Mar-a-Lago because he listedfor sale al $25 million - .

I

the three independent appraisals mortgage payments. which umilijudged its excessive size a liability just $5 million more than the Exactly $18 million. not in ex- undertaken while the mansion amount io SI million a year orrather than an asset. asking price o/Mar-a-Lago. cess of$18 million was/or sale. more. )


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IKE DEATH NEWS EavAnoN REDUXFurther Proof That The New York Ti mes Uses a Secret Formula to Determine Story Length

fter a deluge ofletters and ohone calls. .. (July 27) and 113 ot' ,

hers were injured. Aswe are exhausted. %Wre not convinced, went the );ou;i guess, the American deaths count foruproar. We needmorepvof Okay, okay. We give. more. But how many inches more, and

For those just joining us, an update: in where in the paper? In both cases, add oneMay we published A1l the News That's Print third of the injured/survivors toll to theto F1t' containing definitive proof six number of dead, and divide by three, leav-

OFFICIAL TUNIS SQUARE PROXIMITYweeks' worth ofclippings from the paper of CALCULATOR MAP ing sums of 57.77 on United and 39.89 onrecord that coverage of death in The New York Times is deter- Korean Air. Then take the square roots.mined by the use of a formula. To wit: Next into the hopper go one and a half of the respective

ISensitivity scores. As for the deaths of 111 Middle Americans,

3S + P(ts)2 .. P(j)2 Totaleven jaded, parochial editors of The New York Times are acutely

- column inches sensitive. Such a toll, in fact, busts the 1-10 scale; well on their3 2 50 way to 30.5 inches offront-page coverage, the Iowa victims score

15 Sensitivity points. Once we add .5 (a Proximity co Timeswhere K = number killed; Square of 5, squared and divided by 50), our equation churns

I = number injured; out a figure of 30.59within a quarter inch ofwhat appeareds = the Sensitivity, on a 1-10 scale, of Times editors to in the paper.

the episode; and Libya, however, is a different story. The Korean Air crashP = the Proximity, on a 0-10 scale, ofthe incident to followed United's by only eight days, and in a DC-lOthe very

Times Square (ts) or, to account for weight ac- same modelofplanebut, mysteriously, our editors' Sensitivity iscorded Middle East conflict, Jerusalem (j) a tad dulled: this disaster is awarded only 9 points. Factoring in

When the correct numbers are fed into the formula, the result isa Proximity tojerusalem (even though the plunge is attributed

the number of inches any given story will run in The New Yorkto relatively apolitical causespoor visibility) of 7, our equa.

Times. The method for determining a story's location in thetlOfl suests the story should run 20.8 inches. The Times

paper involves a somewhat less objective calculation based onprinted 21. Which, owing to the much lower Sensitivity in-

the Sensitivity factor.volved, appeared on page A-8.3. Sunday, July 30, 1989: Here's an example of how a low Prox-

The Equation ¡n Action imity factor can cost you inches. A group of American tourists

1-2. Let's start with this past summer's two big plane stories.on a trip organized by the Connecticut Audubon Society are am-

One hundred and eleven people died in Sioux City, Iowa (Julybushed by gunmen in the Kenyan wilderness. One New Haven

19), and 185 survived; 82 died in a Korean Air crash in Tripoliwoman is shot through the head and killed. What's the storyworth? Let's go to the sb-mo replay: one death plus one-third ola

,,,,,,,v,y,,,,,,,',,vvv,,vv,,,v,,,,,,,.,,,,,,,,'vvT,,,v,,,v,,T,v,,,,,,,,, retired teacher with a flesh wound, divided by three (.444); takethe square root (.667). Add 1.5 times the Sensitivity (in this case,international but insubstantial piracy, the factor is 3); add thesquare of Proximity i divided by 50. Our equation predicts5.19 inches, once again within a quarter inch of the actual 5inches allotted. The story ran on page 14 ofthe Sunday edition.4. Friday, July 28, 1989: Police in Brooklyn interrupt a mother

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disciplining her child. The 33-year-old woman is repeatedly

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shouting, "The devil is in you. I have to kill you:' and stabbing. her daughter. When an officer grabs the bleeding child, the

World lunges at him with the 14-inch carving knife; the officermotherwho two weeks earlier had taken her kids to Disney

i ;::;" / / i fires two shots into the woman's chest, killing her. The story saidthe daughter was in stable condition. As tragic and unusual as

I /

this story sounds, the equation still works. Look: I dead, Iwounded, I square root, we start with .444. Adding in a Prox-imity of 7, a Sensitivity of 6it's a Metro storyand kick-starting the computer, our forecast is 10.42 inches. For once,thankfully, the Times is more compassionate than its heartless

C?gL1oJ 5Oo'1 ,E-&I?7k!D ¿.i/sl& f equation: the story ran 10.75 inches on page B-3.I'e-47 s6rÑk;6- líLeV,5/c.I s-ET - Peter Heffernan

54 SPY NOVEMBER 19S9

11THIS PEACE SIGN IS NO EMPTY

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GESTURE. WE HAVE SURVIVED

INAPOLEON. WORLD WAR I, THE

RUSSIAN REVOLUTION, WORLD

/ .WAR II AND THE COLD WAR. WE

ARE THE AUTHENTIC RUSSIAN

WATCH COMPANY, FOUNDED IN

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o its beleaguered in-mates, the Times's Wash-ington bureau is a joy-less, suffocating outpost.But having lost nearly adozen reporters over the

past year and a half, the bureau is, to theTimes's budget-crazed nibs in New Yorkanyway, a joyless, suffocating outpost thatis also wildly cost-efficient. Indeed, turmoilhas become a permanent condition forsurvivors ofthe Washington bureau sinceMax "the Ax" Frankel was installed asexecutive editor in 1987.

Max was said at the time to have beendispleased with the lackluster performanceof the bureau (the Times was especiallylate and sporty on the Iran-contra affair),until then in the not-quite-capable handsof Craig Whitney and his depury JudithMiller. Before shipping Whitney off toLondon and Miller up to New York, how-ever, Max dispatched his personal hatchetguy, Warren Hoge, to Washington, wherehe remorselessly decimated the staff.No, Whitney and Miller have not beenmissed.

Fortunately, self-i mportant master-of-the-obvious Hedrick Smith was squeezedout by Max, too. Smith was said to beholding back information he picked upin the course of his reporting and savingit for The Power Game, his self-important,master-of-the-obvious best-seller. Smithhas not been missed. Bernard Gwertz-man, the bureaus capable White Housecorrespondent, was moved by Max toNew York to become foreign editor. InWashington, Gwertzman is missed sorely.

The current bureau chief, HowellRaines, and his deputy Philip Taubman,seem in no apparent hurry to fill the myr-iad positions now open in Washington,and the thinness is beginning to show. Forinstance, the Times has had no one cover-¡ng the labor beat since William Serrin


ìIax Puncb Ab

left the paper. As a result, during theEastern pilots' strike the fill-in reportersutterly accommodated Max's wish thatstories not be told from the vantage pointof the strikers; almost all the coveragecentered on the long-term damage toEastern's corporate prospects and the in-convenience to air travelers.

Taubman, fresh from a stint in Moscow,was the first Timesman in recent memoryto serve a tour ofduty in the Soviet Unionand not publish a book about the experi-ence. Perhaps wisely. In Moscow Taubmanwas regularly ourwritten not only by hisdepur> William Keller, but also by his ownwife, Times contributor Felicity Barringer.

Raines, a southerner, has what appearsto be a serious problem managing women.He tried to have State Department corre-spondent Elaine Sciolino reassigned againsther will when she was pregnant, a plan hebacked down on after it was pointed outthat the attempted transfer could violatefederal law. The two top women inthe bureau, assignment editorJanetBattaile and head librarian BarclayWalsh, are said to be Xeroxingtheir résumés. Another female bu-reau member has asked for a trans-1er to New York. The situation issuch that even Max has been mak-ing inquiries about whether Rainesmight have a woman problem.

During all this uninvigoraringhubbub, Raines has managed toremain somewhat above it all,confining himself to matters of amore mundane nature. His icebucket, for example. He keeps one in hisoffice that news clerks have been instructedto keep filled with fresh ice at all times.Lapses in ice-bucket maintenance areusually followed by detailed instructionsto the assistants, ending with a curt And!don't want to have to go over this again. Un-fortunately, a novice clerk, and therefore

one new to the importance of ice-bucketprotocol, neglected this crucial duty oncetoo often, and the most important bureauchiefofthe most important newspaper inthe most important country in the worldwas forced to issue an official office direc-tive illustrating his own fastidious ice-bucket-refilling techniques.

But Raines's concerns are not confinedsolely to dry-bar preparation. In a scenefairly reminiscent ofMr Roberts, the bureausnews clerks also have standing orders, themoment it starts raining, to grab Raines'sficus plant and take it outside so that it canbe watered naturally. In periods of drought,the lovingly cosseted plant gets showers inRaines's personal bathroom at the bureau.

Indeed, the aquatic theme is curiouslyunrelenting. One morning recently, Rainesdeveloped an uncontrollable pang for shadroe and ordered his secretary to find hima restaurant in the capital that would be serv-ing it that day. As those in the newsroom

looked on in bemused horror, thepoor woman spent the better partofa morning on the phone in an at-tempt to find a place serving theelusive caviar. Finally, a call camethrough from a chefwith the job-say-ing news that he just happened tohave some shad roe on hand. Vis-ibly relieved, the secretary wasabout to make a reservation whenthe entire newsroom erupted inlaughter. The call, it turned out, hadcome from a line inside the bureau.Shortly thereafteç though, Rai nes'ssecretary managed to find a bona

fide shad-roe venue. And so, at noon, Rainesclimbed into the back ofthe bureau car andinstructed the driver to take him to an ad-dress near Chevy Chase Circk For two non-ice-bucket-refilling, non-pregnant-woman-transferring, non-ficus-irrigating hours, thebureau chief was hardly missed at all.

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MONTE RIO IS A DEPRESSED NORTHERN CALIFORNIA TOWN OF 900

Ii I I II li I fl L ii where the forest is so thick that some streetlights stay on all day long. Its only landmark

MY TH RE E WE E KSa kick-ass bar called the Pink Elephant, but a half-mile or so away from 'the Pink'

in the middle of a redwood grove, there is, strangely enough, a bank of 16 pay tele-OF MALE BOND-

phones. In midsummer the phones are often crowded. Onjuly 21 ofthis year Henry

I N G A N D F U N N Y Kissinger sat at one ofthem, chuffing loudly to someone Sunshine, he called her, and

COCKTAILS WITH Sweetieabout the pleasant distractions ofhis vacation in the forest.

"We had jazz concert,' Kissinger said. "We had rope trick. This morning we wentHENRY KISSINGER

bird-watching."

W I L L I A M F . Proudly Kissinger reeled offthe names ofsome ofhis fellow campers: "Nick Brady

BUCKLEY, HENRY and his brother is here." Brady is the U.S. Treasury Secretary. 'TomJohnson is here."

KRAVIS AND RONALD REAGAN AT THE MOST EXCLUSIVE FRAT PARTY ON EARTH

OVEMflFR 989 SPY 59

Tixiugh :rnpulsr#/j in Bohemia,

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RED, BLUEAND ORANGE

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THAT MIGHT

The then-pub-usher ofthe LosAngeles Times,

who had cop-I les ofhis news-

paper shipped up every day. That Indian ishere. Bajpai.' Shankar Bajpai, former ambas-sador to the U.S. "Today they had a Russian'

The Russian was the physicist Roald Sag.deyev, a member ofthe Soviet Supreme CouncilofPeople's Deputies, who had given a speech toKissinger and many other powerful men too.George Shultz, the former secretary of State,wearing hiking boots, hadlistened while sitting under a tree.Kissinger had lolled on the ground,distributing mown grass clippingsacross his white shirt, being care-ful not to set his elbow on one ofthe cigar butts squashed in thegrass, and joking with a wiry, nut-brown companion.

The woman on the line nowasked about the friend.

"Oh, Rocard is having a ball."Kissinger was sharing his tur-

tleneck with Rocard, for nightsamid the redwoods grew surpris-ingly cool. The two of them werecamping in Mandalay, the mostexclusive bunksite in the encamp-ment, the one on the hill with thetiny cable car that carries visitorsup to the compound. Meanwhile,

Every summer for more than a century, theall-male Bohemian Club of San Francisco hasled a retreat into a redwood forest 70 milesnorth of the city, four and a quarter squaremiles of rugged, majestic terrain that membersconsider sacred. The religion they consecrate isright-wing, laissez-faire and quintessentiallywestern, with some Druid tree worship thrownin for fun. The often bizarre rites have elevatedwhat vas once a provincial club for San Fran-ciscans embarrassed by the rude manners of theWild West into the most exclusive club in theUnited States, with 2,300 members drawn from

the whole of the American estab-lishment and a waiting list 33years long.

In the first 50 years ofthc clubsexistence the Bohemian Grove

i. P. DaIry: an old-tinier enjoying h:

o/oit /,alIn:d Boint-mian rig/ni

HAVE BEEN DESIGNED FOR THE KU KLUX KLAN BY MARIMEKKOKissinger had been offering Rocard advice: "Itold him, Do anything you want, hide in thebushesjust don't let them see you."

Rocard was Michel Rocard, the prime minis-ter ofFrance, and this was a secret trip. No onewas supposed to know he was peering up atospreys and turkey vultures and hearing Sovietspeakers along with former American secre-taries of State and the present secretaryof the Treasury. And David Rockefeller too.And Dwayne Andreas, the chairman ofArcher- Daniels- Midland. Mers' GrifEn. WalterCronkite.

No one was supposed to know that Rocardhimselfwould be speaking the next day down atthe lake, under the green speakers parasol. Asorange dragonflies coupled dazzlingly over thewater, as bullfrogs sounded, Rocard would leanforward and say, "Because you are such an as-tonishinggroup ofmen, I can speak privately"

It was a devilishly charming thing to sacalculated to flatter the men of the BohemianG rove.


was comparatively accessible tooutsiders, but in the 1930s, as theclub gained influence and its red-woods provided a haven forRepublican presidents, it grewquite secretive about its ritualsand membershipyou wont evenfind the Grove on public maps.This has been especially true inthe last ten years as Bohemiasstunning roster has waxed evermore statusy, as Kissinger andRockefeller and Nick Brady havejoined, drawing the attention ofleft-wing protesters, scholars ofelites, and reporters. The encamp-ment has become the primarywatering hole for Republican-

administration officials, defense contractors,press barons, old-line Hollywood figures, estab-lishment intellectuals and a handful of German-speaking men in lederhosen. What the Bois deBoulogne was to the ancien régime, the Grove isto America's power class. Ronald Reagan andGeorge Bush are members. So are Gerald Fordand Richard Nixonthough club directors aresaid to be miffed at Nixon, a longtime Bohe-mian Grover who's still listed as sleeping inCave Man, one ofthe Grove's 119 curiously andsometimes appropriately named camps.

Today the Grove is stocked with Reaganites.Former Defense secretary Caspar W. Wein-berger, former attorney general William FrenchSmith and former Transportation secretaryDrew Lewis are all members. At the encamp-ment last July, Al Haig was there, along withthree other former secretaries of State: Kis-singer, Shultz and William P Rogers (Rogers asa guest offormer national security adviser Wil-ham P. Clark's).James A. Baker III, the currentsecretary of State, is also a member, but he

cou!dnt make it this year. The rightwing Hoover Institutionat Stanford attended in full force and brought along the presi-dent of Washington's Heritage Foundation. William F. Buck-levJr. and Malcolm Forbes held court. Big business shows up:Thomas Watson Jr. of IBM, billionaire John Kluge ofMetromedia. Former Bank of America chairman Samuel Ar-macost brought IBMchairman John E Akers, Bechtel chair-man S. D. BecbtelJr. brought Amoco chairman Richard Mor-row. Noted and hoary writers and personalities are members:Herman Wouk, Art Linkletter, Fred Travalena. Scenting power,press lords skip in from all over the country. Joe Alhritton,former owner of The Washington Star; Charles E. Scripps andJ ack Howard ofthe 21-paper Scripps Howard newspaper chain;Otto Silha of Cowles Media; the McClatchys ofthe McClatchy chain; and David Gergen of US.j\'tU;.Ç & World Repürt all obey the Bohemiancommand of keeping the goings-on from theirreaders.

Every spring for many years no BohemianClub presidents have formally summoned suchmen to the Grove with great effusion:

Brother Bohemians: The Sim is Once Again in theClutches ofthe Lion, and the encircling season bids us

to theforest there to celebrate . . . the awful nysteries!"ßohemians come! Find home again in the Grove!

Burn CAERE andhuirl his ashes, whirling, from ourglade!

Come out Bohemians! come o/it and play. corne:vith all the buoyant impetuous rush of youth.r'

And this year, when president George Elliottwrote, more drably "Around campfires large andsmall, warm hospitality aivaits you. Of course youmust be with ¡us," I heard his summons, too.

It was a good time to visit the Grove. Thecountry was still steeped in the aw-shucks au-rhoritarianism ofthe Reagan years, and if thereis any place to study the culture of our ruling class, it is hereamong the Grove's benevolent, string-tie aristocracy. Also, itseemed possible that Ronald Reagan himselfmight make a tri-umphant return to his longtime camp, Owl's Nest. Whilepresident he had avoided the Grove, a custom Nixon cementedin 1971 when he canceled a speech planned for the lakeside inthe secret encampment after the press insisted on covering it.

For me, the trick was getting in. A guest card was out of thequestion: club bylaws have stated that a member-sponsor's ap-plication "shall be in writing and shall contain full informationfor the guidance of the Board in determining the merits andqualifications of the proposed guest." No, Section 8, ArticleXVIII was too fine a screen for me. And my attempts to get ajob as a waiter or a valet in one ofthe camps failed, (The only

book entirely devotedWJ,r, :h ¿$JaAltJ/),fl Pit °F air: rongh:ng II n: i O- i

to Grove life, TheGreatest Meni Party onEarth, was written in1974 by John van derZee, a San Franciscowriter who got in forfour days as a waiter.)

In the end I entered

by stealth. Students ofthe Grove had warned that security wastoo good; they'd sniff me out quickly. I might last three hoursbefore they put me in the Santa Rosa jail for trespassing. LowellBergman, a producer with 60 Minutes who used to hunt rabbitsin the nearby hills, remembered a fire road leading into the sitenear the Guerneville waste-treatment plant but said they'd spotme sneaking in. Others mentioned barbed wire and electronicmonitoring devices at places where the Grove abuts MonteRio, and helicopters patrolling the "ridge roads" that traversethe 1,000-foot hills and form the Grove's perimeter. One day Idrove up to the frontgate and got a dauntingglimpse of whatlooked like the Grove sheriff, a barrel1ike figure in a Smokeythe Bear hat. A Berlin-ish set ofchcckpoints seemed to stretch

What uv.ii1dSiik*y At i/ a,mialCnwa:ion "Can gmi #n a'ii ai DiiIIJJ andi& cutsük u.r/dgtzi up iz

out behind him.But by then I'd made my connection. My driver was Mary

Moore, an Earth Mother type with long silvery-blond hair whois the most active member ofa distinctly Californian left-winggroup called the Bohemian Grove Action Network. Mooreagreed to help me get in, providing me with a sort of under-ground railroad. She put at my service a mountain guide whodemanded only that I keep the methods he devised for me con-fidential. He had a keen geographical sense and a girlfriendwho described a plan to seed magic crystals at the Grove gatesto make them open oftheir own accord so that Native Amen-can drummers could walk in.

We didn't do it that way, but it turned out that Grove secu-rity isn't quite what it's reputed to be. Reporters seeking towrite about the Grove had rarely been inside, and then usuallyfor only a few hours at a time, but I was determined to have agood, long look, so I took cane to blend. I outfitted myself inconservative recreational weara pressed plaid shirt, Perma-Prest chinos, Top-Siders, a sport jacketI always carried adrink, and I made it a point to have that morning's Wall Street

J ouirna/or Nezu' York Times under my arm when I surfaced (thoughtelevision is against the rules, newspapers are sold at the GroveCivic Center). Thus equipped, I came and went on 7 days dur-


ing the 16-day encampment, openly trespassing in what isregarded as an impermeable enclave and which the press rou-tinely refers to as a heavily guarded area. Though I regularlyviolated Grove rule 20 ("Members and guests shall sign theregister when arriving at or departing from the Grove"), I wasnever stopped or questioned. (Another rule forbade camerasoutside one's own camp. I waited till my last day to bring onein.) Indeed, I was able to enjoy most pleasures of the Grove,notably the speeches, songs, elaborate drag shows, endlesstoasts, prebreakfast gin fizzes, round-the-clock "Nembutals'and other drinksthough I didn't sleep in any ofthe camps orswim naked with like-minded Bohemians in the Russian Riverat night.

My imposture included misrepresenting myselfin conversa-tion with other campers, and my story kept changing as Ilearned more about how life inside was organized. I said I wasa guest of Bromley camp, where unsortable visitors end up. At33, 1 was one ot the youngest Bohemians, but I was welcomealmost as a policy matter. "We looked around and saw we werebecoming an old-men's club," a member said, explaining recentefforts to recruit fresh blood. Being from New York was fine;the Grove limits retreatguests to out-of-staters (though clamor-ing by well-connected Californians to visit the forest has re-suited in the rise oftheJune 'SpringJinks' weekend). I usedmy real name. No one inside acted suspicious, but paranoiaabout the Grove seemed justified, and I brought along my ownversion of cyanide: Interol, a tranquilizer used by actors tocounteract stage fright. One day a member asked if I was re-lated to a Bohemian namedjack Weiss. "No, but l've heard alot about him and I'd like to meet him.' "You can't," he said.'Hes dead." After that I began working a dead West Coast rda-tive's promise to have me out to the Grove one summer into ashaggy.dog story about my invitation.

In this way I managed to drop in on the principal events of. . the encampment right up to the

Heigb-ho. 1k/gb-ho: ¡ix ¡3ohe,,isa-

boiin/Sereiarialpwd final Saturday, July 29, 12:30 p.m.,when I attended a Lakeside Talkwhose giver was, intriguingly, theonly one not identified in the pro.gram of events. "Speaker: To BeAnnounced," it said, raising thequestion of what dignitary mightbe thought more important thanPrime Minister Rocard, who waslisted as the speaker on the middleSaturday.

My first full-strength dose ofBohemian culture took place twoweeks earlier, the first Saturdaynight, when after a long day in theGrove I took a seat on the grassylakeside among 1,500 other menfor the encampments famously sur-real opening ritual. As the magichour of9:15 approached, a helicop.ter from a network newsmagazinecircled frantically far above thedarkened forest, searching out aspectacle lit at that point only by

the hundreds of cigarswhose smokers had ig-nited them in defianceofthe California ForestServices posted warn-ings. My neighbor sug-gested that someoneought to "shoot thefucker down," flashingthe press hatred thatprevails in Bohemia.

"My friends dontunderstand this," a

pudgy 35.year.old infront of me confided tohis companion. "I knowthat if they could seei t, they wo u i (1 see how 'íi u r/1c n,o;: exciusize emhaniedfiiws

terrific it is. Its like great sex ......

It was the sort ofanalogy I was to hear often in the nearly 60hours I spent inside the Grove. The friend and I leaned closer.

"lt's more than it's cracked up to be. You can't describe it," heexplained. Then everyone hushed as a column ofhooded fig-ures carrying torches emerged solemnly from the woods 100yards away, bearing a corpse down to the water.

You KNOW YOU ARE INSIDE THE BOHEMIAN GROVE WHEN YOU

come down a trail in the woods and hear piano music fromamid a group oftents and then round a bend to see a man witha beer in one hand and his penis in the other, urinating into thebushes. This is the most gloried-in ritual of the encampment,the freedom olpowerful men to pee wherever they like, a rightthe club has invoked when trying to fight government anti-sex-discrimination efforts and one curtailed only when it comes to

¡1111(11 1TO a few popular redwoods just outside the Din-

Ii IVVI lu _ ing Circle. Tacked to one of these haplessly

OFFERED FRENCH PRIMEMpostprandial trees is a sign conveying the fairy-dust mixtureof boyishness and courtliness that envelops the encampment:GENTLEMEN PLEASE! NO PEE PEE HERE!

Everything in the encampment is sheltered by redwoods, whichadmit hazy shafts ofsunlight, and every camp has a more or lessconstant campfire sending a soft column ofsmoke into the trees.The walled camps are generally about loo feet wide and stretchback up the hillside, with wooden platforms on which membersset up tents. Bohemians sleep on cots in these tents, or, in thericher camps, in redwood cabins. The camps are decoratedwith wooden or stone sculptures ofowls, the Grove symbol. Mem-bers wash up in dormitory-style bathrooms and eat breakfastand dinner collectively in the Dining Circle, a splendid outdoorarena with fresh wood chips covering the ground and only the

.--t sky above. It never rains when the encamp-

...: ment is on.

- During the day, idleness is encouraged.f

There are few rules, the most famous one be-ing "Weaving Spiders Come Not Herein

--other words, don't do business in the Grove.The rule is widely ignored. Another, un

written rule is that everyone drinkand thateveryone drink all the time. This rule is strictlyadhered to. "His method was to seize a largehorse bucket, throw a hunk of ice into it, pourinseveral bottles ofgin and a halla bottle of ver-mouth, and slosh it all around," goes one Groverecipe. The traditional 7:00 a.m. gin fizzesserved in bed by camp valets set thepace. Throughout the skeet-shooting,the domino-playing and the museumtalks, right up through the "afterglows"that follow each evening's entertain- "Ta

. astallment, everyone is perpetually numbed She scand loose, but a clubbish decorum pre- therevails just the same. No one throws up. tenda

. sticksNow and then, though, a Bohemiansits down in the ferns and passes out.

The sense that you are inside an ac-tuai club is heightened by all the fur-nishings that could not survive a wetseason outdoors: the stuffed lion ontop ofJungle; the red lanterns ¡n thetrees behind Dragons at night, whichadd to the haunting atmosphere; thepaintings of camels, pelicans andnaked women that are hung outside;the soft couch in the doorway of Woof;and everywhere pianos that, when cheencampment is over, go back to thepiano warehouse near theThere's a feeling ofboth great privilegeand rusticity. Bohemians talk aboutroughing it, but at a privy in the woodsnear the river, there is a constantlyrenewed supply of paper toilet-seatcovers. And the sand at the Russian

Then the beer brewer himself came out tosing: "Mandalay," the song based on the Kiplingpoem. He was a goateed giant with massiveshoulders and a beer gut. Rudyard Kipling, AIla&ardfora Rim Ride!

romantic colonialist and exponent of the mas-culine spirit, is, naturally, one of the Grove'sheroes, and "Mandalay" is a triumphant white-

BHUM-BUM:TilE LIGHTER SIDE 11F POWER-MONGEEING

A Completely Authentic 1989 BohemIan Grove Joke Bookilulah Bankhead goes into 5. A Bohemian cuts out a pho- 8. "Take care when you unsheathinthe'21'Clubbathroom. tograph of a woman's crotch your swordit can pierce a)Ofl pokes her head out. Is from a skin magazine and care- young lady's . . . hear( adviceany paper?' she asks an at- fully tapes it to the cover ofCock- from one character to another innt. 'No: A little later she pit, a magazine for private- the Grove play.her head out a second

't., 'T'....

aircraft fanciers that's popular . .

9. "The gravity onjupiter is ex-j,',' '.sorry, we have nothing at all: Afew minutes pass, and she leansout again. 'How about two fivesfor a ten?'"from MalcolmForbes's Lakeside Talk.

2. "My wife was talking w afriend ofhers the other day whosays, You know what they sayabout oysters being an aphro-disiac? It's not true: 'How do youknow that? Well, we went out todinner last night and my hus-band ordered a dozen oysters.Only five worked" Ibid.

3. A Bohemian at dinner holdsup a wine bottle filled with a yel-lowish liquid and reads the labelin puzzlement: "Château dupiJsoir" from the Owl Hootscartoons at the Camp FireCircle.

4. "You're as young as the worn-an you fecI" from the LowJinkstheatrical performance.

bers. He leaves the magazine ona table in the campground. Allday Bohemians grab the maga-zine to look inside, where theyfind only pictures ofleather jack-cts and airplanesa Bohemianprank recounted at the Grovebeach.

6. "A man stumbles home earlyone morning. His angry wifeyanks open the door and helurches onto the floor. Gettingup, he says, 'I think I'll skip myprepared remarks and take yourquestions now''from As-sociated Press president LouisBoccardis Lakeside Talk.

7. "A ten-year-old boy is fornicat-ing with his nine-year.old sister.'Gee, you're almost as good asMa, he says. 'Really" she says.'That's what Pa says'Bohemian rib-tickler told atLand's End camp.

tremely strong. Its kind of likethe lady in the play with thebig boobs she has to crawl outonstage!" from a museum talkby Wally Schirra, the formerastronaut, or, as he put it,smart-ass-tronaut."

lo. Two Vassar women run intoone another in New York duringthe Depression. Their familieshave suffered terrible reverses."It's gotten so bad Fve taken tothe streets, I'm practicing theworld's oldest profession," saysone. "Oh my God,' says the other"Before I did that I'd dip intocapital" Forbes.11. 'A lot of years have beengoing by for me. You know, thereare three things that begin tohappen as the years pile up.First, you begin to forget things.(Pause.) I canOt remember theother two" from Rna1d Rea-gan's Lakeside Talk. PW

MINISTER MICHEL ROCARD ADVICE: "DO ANYTHING YOU WANT, HIDE INRiver beach is traversed by coconut-fiber matsand rich figured squares cut from the carpets inthe City Club," the five-story brick Bohemianbuilding in downtown San Francisco.

All day long there is music in the Grove, andat night in some camps there are programs ofentertainment: comics, singers, actors. Any Bohe-mian is welcome at such events. One afternoon,for instance, the Valhalla deck was crowded

ith men drinking Valhalla's home-brewed beerand listening to singers. They sang from a smallstage in front of a redwood on which was hunga framed nineteenth-century engraving. Thescene was permeated by a kind of Nazi kitschBlack Forest imagery, and the setting seemedvery Wagnerian though the music was some-times undercut by the soft drumming of tin-kling urine off the edge of the porch, where thebeer drinkers went one after the other. Thedeck's railing posed a dilemma. It was set atcrotch level, so you had to sort of crouch.

man's-burden song. The brewer finished tearily,his arms high above his head, fists clenched:'STake me back to Mandalay-ah."

Amid wild applause one man removed aheavily chewed cigar to say, "If that don't send achill up your spine, you ain't a Bohemian."

His friend, a man in a yellow brocade vest,agreed. "He really put the balls into it."

"Yep, Big Daddy's in town."

ONE REASON IDR THE BOHEMIAN CLUB'S POOR

public relations is the name it gave to the yearlyopening ceremony: The Cremation ofCare. Thecremation is intended to put the busy men ofthe club at ease and banish the stress ofthe out-side world, but it arouses critics of the encamp-ment because they interpret it to mean thatBohemians literally don't care about the outsideworld. Cremation ofcare, they fear, means thedeath of caring. Demonstrations outside theGrove a few years back often centered around

THE BUSH ES

JUST DON'T

LET THEMSEE YOU"


the "Resurrection of Care.»The cremation took place at the man-made lake that is the

center ofa lot ofGrove social activity. At 9:15 a procession ofpriests carrying the crypt ofDull Care came out ofthe trees onthe east side, along the Grove's chiefthoroughfare, River Road.They wore bright red, blue and orange hooded robes that mighthave been designed for the Ku Klux Klan by Marimekko. Whenthey reached the water, they extinguished their torches.

At this point some hamadryads and another priest or two ap-peared at the base ofthe main owl shrine, a 40-foot-tall, moss-covered statue of stone and steel at the south end of the lake,and sang songs about Care. They told of how a man's heart isdivided between "reality" and "fantasy:' how it is necessary to es-cape to another world offellowship among men. Vaguely homo-sexual undertones suffused this spectacle, as they do much ofritualized life in the Grove. The main priest wore a pink-and-green satin costume, while a hamadryad appeared before a red-wood in a gold spangled bodysuit dripping with rhinestones.They spoke of "fairy unguents" that would free men to pursuewarm fellowship, and I was reminded of something HermanWouk wrote about the Grove: "Men can decently love each other;they always have, but women never quite understand."

Then the crypt of Care was poled slowly down the lake bya black-robed figure in a black gondola, accompanied by agreat deal of special-effects smoke. Just as the priests set out totorch the crypt, a red light appeared high in a redwood andlarge speakers in the forest amplified the cackling voice ofCare: "Fools! When will ye learn that me ye cannot slay? Yearafter year ye burn me in this Grove. . . . But when again ye turnyour feet toward the marketplace, am I not waiting for you,as of old?"

With that, Care spat upon the fires, extinguishing them.The priests turned in desperation to the owl. "O thou, greatsymbol of all mortal wisdom, Owl of Bohemia . . . grant u's thycounsel!"

Every year there are new wrinkles on the cremation cere-mony. The big improvement this year was to project a sort of

liT mnn fl1Tfl hologram onto the owl's face so that its beakI ftI PII II II III seemed to move. Also, it was Walter Cronkite

1!lIllhJIjIuJI ENTERED BY STEALTH.

ploded in huzzahs. Fireworks went off at the lakeside, and abrass band in peppermint-striped jackets and straw boaterscame out of the woods playing "Therell Be a Hot Time in theOld Town Tonight"

The sudden appearance of men in striped jackets showswhat a bouillabaisse oftraditions the Grove is. Bohemian Clubliterature is pious on this score. lt boasts that the Cremation ofCare ceremony derives from Druid rites, medieval Christianliturgy, the Book of Common Prayer, Shakespearean dramaand nineteenth-century American lodge rites.

Early Bohemians were hungry for exaltation and grabbed onto any tradition they could find to dignify their exile in the vul-gar West. The club was founded in 1872, just three years afterthe transcontinental railroad was completed, by a group ofnewspapermen and artists who plainly felt social anxietyabout their surroundings. Early club menus offered dolled-upwestern dishes such as "boiled striped bass au vin blanc" and"café noir' The club's 'men of talent" (Le., artists and writers)included writers of a populist bent: Mark Twain, Bret Harte,Henry M. Stanley. Bohemianjack London was a socialist; Bo-hernian Henry George, a radical reformer.

But the club's newspapermen were also socially ambitious,Hd/oMiSdib. aiming to chronicle California's rise in the arts¿'dio Faddul,: and sciences. Bohemian, they agreed in their earlylix Grot is annals didnt mean an unwashed shirt and poetry;one sup(r-

deluxe sicep- lt signified London, the beau monde, men of emi-away arnp nence whose purses were always open to their;oIe7fl. friends. By such standards, San Francisco busi-

yole WO#1 Se nessmen surely looked crude.adr,,iiscd i,, U

The New Just the same, the club needed such men ofYork Times use" to support their activities, and inevitably theMagazinc. businessmen took over. Prohibition dealt a dead-ly blow to the clubs democratic leanings by closing the centralGrove bar. Social activity became decentralized, relocated toindividual camps, and less egalitarian, a trend that continuedduring the Depression, when rich camps got even richer. Mem-bers poured money into capital improvements for the Grove, asuit were the haven to which they could flee during the revolu-tion. (By 1925, according to one account, most ofthe Grove's2,800 acres had been purchased for the sum of$99,500.) Ted-dy Roosevelt had been a member. Franklin Roosevelt was not,and by the 1930s the Grove had become clannishly conserva-tive. Will Rogers is said to have been denied membership be-cause he once made a joke about the Grove.

The Bohemian Club's waiting list, which had first appearedin the Coolidge years, grew to ridiculous lengths. I was told thatifa Californian is not admitted before he is 30, he can despairof membership unless he achieves commercial or politicalprominence. Many older men die waiting. And membership

STUDENTS OF THE GROVE HAD WARNED THA'talking. (Cronkite camps in Hill Billies along with GeorgeH.W. Bush, William F. BuckleyJr. and former astronaut andexEastern Air Lines chairman Frank Borman.) Cronkite,as the owl, said that the only way Care could be crematedwas to use fire from the Lamp of Fellowship before him, an"eternal" gas flame that burns day and night while the encamp-ment is on.

That did it. Care went up in blazes. Around me themen ex-


OVER TRE RIVER AND TUROUGII THE tOO:ft""A Gud. o Right-Wing Fa*oiIa 1. Wbr Boh,mlani oøis -

BOHEMIAN GROVECAMPS. FACILITIES AND ROADS

SONOMA GO.. CAUFORNIA

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ECURITY WAS TOO GOOD; I !

comes dear. The initiation fèe for regular voting

membership ¡s said to be $8,500, and dues are

set at more than S2,000 a year. Because the reg.

ular members require entertainment, "men of

talent pay greatly reduced fees. On Wouk's ac-

ceptance, for instance, he was put to work writ-

ing a history of the club.

The encampment became controversial in

1IGHT LAST THREE HOURS BEFORE THEY PUT ME INthe early Reagan years when reporters, still

suffering the hangover of Carter populism, T H E S A N T A

questioned club executive appointees about theROSA JAIL FORclub's sexist practices.

The Grove's keenest adversary is Mary Moore,

who lives in a countercultural shantytown in T R E S P A S S I N G

nearby Occidental. Moore was the 1953 San Luis

Obispo County Fiesta queen, but by 1980 she

NOVI \llllR 1-i"-: SPY

TO ENJOY MOST

PLEASURES OF

THE GROVE

THE SONGS,

E L A B O RAT E

DRAG SHOWS,

PREBREAKFAST

GIN FIZZES AND

R O U N D -T H E -

CLOCK "NEMBU-

TA L " T H O U G H

had become, she says, a woman-identifiedwoman," and the Grove's thunderous malenessand what she calls its "closedness" disturbed her.of course, just about anybody could hate theGrove. With its dense concentration of extrava-gant war- and money-mongers, it's an easy ob-ject of protest, and 72 left-wing groups eventit-ally joined Moore to form the Bohemian GroveAction Network.

For a while, in the early 1980s, Moore andBGAN thought they might actually liberate theredwoods. In 1984 folksinging demonstratorstried to quarantine the Bohemians inside theGrove because they were so dangerous to theoutside world. Fifty people were arrested. Sum-mer after summer BGAN stoked Grove con-spiracy theories by getting hold ofthe guest list.In 1981, for instance, Dan Rostenkowski, EdMeese and former president of CBS News VanGordon Sauter attended (Sauter as the guest offormer California governor Edmund 'Pat"BrownJerry's father). Meese, by the way, isabout the only major Reaganite who didn't endup as a member.

In its obsession with the encampment,BGAN has unwittingly taken on Bohemian

ii.1"

i

CaFflpf1r of:hi :'aPzit,ej: re,w,,,ht,,: Rû/,,,ita,ìj like t') Jl(ç(' II '!lix ,du ood kFK/.kJ oft/k oraI Canip Fir, Cire It.

and limos around to get to the gate had disappeared. The Grove was still there.

\Vhen I got to Monte Rio, only a couple 01

signs of protest remained. Moore's answeringmachine message asking friends not to call herat her vintage-clothing store in the town of Se.bastopol included a denunciation ofthe Crema.tion of Care. And inside the Grove the guest listwas well guarded. It was posted in a locked glasscase during the day, and was removed every

I DIDN'T SWIM NAKED WITH LIKE-MINDED BOHEMIANS IN THE RUSSIAN RIVER AT NIGHT

Kaw.ihungi!

Bo/)(,,1:a?? ¡

sktt:'is /',,ra

puh. ¡950

traits, becoming a kooky mirror image of theGrove. lt wove spidery webs ofstring across Bo-hernian Avenue to block the way in. lt urged itsfollowers to form "Boho Clubs" to study mem-bers so they could be "held accountable by theAmerican People" for participaring"in the main-tenance of the process of plutocratic patriarchy,hich threatens the planet Earth with omnicide

from the nuclear menace." When BGAN resur-rected Care, it chanted its own hymns:

On a day îìiiich like this five score years ago

The first hideolls fire was lii in Monte RioAndsweet Care was banishedfrorn this lovely land.

And Bohemians revelled upon their shifting sand.

But by 1985 BGAN's energies were ebbing. Themedia's anti-elitist mood, never all chat fero-clous, was spent. The reporters that MaryMoore had helped spirit into the Grove forhours at a time had come out with vague,

watered-down versionsr- ofwhat went on, or their

u news organizations hadsuppressed the accounts.

' r ' . By 1988 the gauntlet of.. t , hippies and solarheads

and woman-identifiedwomen whom the Bohe-

7 i'N \ mians had been forced- to maneuver their Jags

Ç'

f

night. This was about the highest security I sawinside.

, 'I'M ADMITTING R THE FIRST TIME IN MY

life having no willpower," a man was saying tohis wife on one ofthe public phones. He lookedbewildered and hung over, and I figured Bohe-mians were warmly and mysteriously saying tohim what they were saying to me: "I can tell thisis your first Grove."

It was just past noon on Sunday, the middleweekend at the encampmentthe busiestweekend, with attendance approaching 2,200men. The most dignified had arrived. On theRiver Road you heard some small business talk.

"David Jr.'s going into the family businessnow."

"He's got a scruffy beard.""Yes, he looks radical, hut he doesn't talk like

o n e."

'Äbby, now, she's the one who raised her fist atgraduation? Had a red fist painted on the backof her gown."

Of course. The Rockefellers."Where was that? Radcliffe?""You know, they''e got a lot of liberal faculry"They're always on the periphery of

radicalism.""My son was in Santiago, and David sent him

letters ofintroducrion to seven leading bankersin seven countries."

4

,4,

PRTUFTHERT

L

I

(<:

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a;

o! ffafoÌ7jgg11

/f:9 S1

Jhe te hi,ìtit liqueur fron Italy.

To a gift of Frong co anyJwre n the U.S. coil 1-8OO238-4373.

(Ij w .,::>c . 289 Ak/Vol 156 Pro Prol and boirId by ßarbc'ro S FA Canale, raJy. Imported by W)ham Gran' & Sons. 1nNY.. N.Y.

J_

At lakeside the grass was crowded forthe day's talk. Under the green parasol stoodGeneral John Chain, commander of theStrategic Air Command, who spoke ofthe country's desperate need for theStealth B-2 bomber. "1 am a warrior andthat is how I come to you today' he said.'1 need the B-2."

The important men come out for theLakeside Talks, and each speaker seems toassume that his audience can actually dosomething about the issues raisedwhich, ofcourse, it can. On the first week-end, for instance, Associated Press presi-

dark-haired man said to an older fellow.Three other men discussed a friend of theirs who had left

early that morning for New York. One of them seemed puz-zied the friend wasn't the sort to get going at 7:45, he noted.

"It was a free ride' the other friend explained. "Bill Simonhad room on his plane."

"Simon doesn't know he doesn't have money."They all got a big kick out ofthis. Simon was Treasury secre-

tary in the Ford administration and today is a major savingsand loan conglomerateur, active in takeovers. It would seemthat this years encampment was useful to him. Two weeks laterhe plunged into Sir James Goldsmiths battle to take overB.AI Industries PLC ofEngland. a deal that could give Simona toehold in Europe. He was surely influenced by Prime

T, TI fl flflTl fl tiMinister Rocard's Saturday-afternoon

r11iu IÇi' O ii iiiJîI i' ll M FU LakesideTalk, in which he dangled theI lui lilitili Ut I II U 1)111 1 llhI 1U I It 1!! Il! II li I bit most sanguine business exrectations

What France's Michel Rocord Said on His (Secret) Summer Vocation OftheneW Europeanordersee "TheThe people and press of Francethought their crafty prime mm-ister, Michel Bocard, was on hisboat off the coast of Brittany(luring the last two weeks ofJ uly this year. But thanks to aninvitation from his pal HenryKissinger. Bocard had beensmuggled into the Grove - andnot just to parry with the guys,hut also to talk openly andhonestly before his fellow camp.ers. (Whether highly placedaidesthe covers ofhis bed back homeis unclear.) His speech has, todate, gone entirely unreported.

Prime Minister Rocard began his July 22 talk at theGrove lakeside with a clumsymiscalculation'There is nopress herebut from thatpoint on it was all Galliccharm. Hundreds ofmiles fromAP stringers and Le Monde re-porters, he whispered secrets,he punctured allies. The speechwas remarkable not so muchfor its content as for its candor

and tone.Of the Europeans' goal to

eliminate trade barriers in1992, Rocard confided dramat-ically, "We are building a na-tion. The world is rich withmultilingual nations' Withinten years, he said, Europe willhave a unified currency OnlyMargaret Thatcher will resist,but "as always' he added, "shewill get on the train when it isleaving the station'

utation as a right-wing so-cialist. Among the Bohemianshe was chummy. The Amen-cans and the French, he said,have a special alliance in lead-¡ng the way to disarmament,while Thatcher is "defiant": shecannot be counted on. Rocardalso considered the Germanshopeless. They suffer what theprime minister called "the Gen-man disease" fear of fightingon their own soil, making thempartial to nuclear arms.

To the subject of business

matters, ¡tocard brought a Bo- '-' 01 WC iiisappearing rrirne iviin-hernian zeal. Government- ister']subsidized farming, he said, is In 1982 reporters followed German"hypocrisy!" The farms aren't

chancellor Helmut Schmidt to theefficient but governments backGrove gates, and the front page of 'l'be, Christian Science Monitor termed the

.. . .-', Grove "the West's hidden summit." Thisyear Rocard's visit went unreported. Aweek after the encampment, a Wash-

;\1l/e/ !?o,ar/ ington correspondent for a Frenchof

consequences of opposingthem. "Ridiculous:' he said,then tilted forward in a delight-ful gesture of conspiracy. "Letme tell you a secret. We too arefed up with subsidizing farm-ers. We too want to get out ofthis silly system:' The only wayout, he whispered, is a private,"gentleman's agreement" involv-ing agricultural trade. At lake-side there was an approvingmurmur. For the gentleman'sagreement is the stock-i n-tradeofBohemia. PW

dent Louis Boccardi, addressing his listeners as men of "powerand rank," gave them more details than he said he was willingto give his readers about the plight ofTerry Anderson, the Mid-die East correspondent held hostage since 1985. It was a trans-parent plea for help.

Other Lakeside speaking is more indulgent. Here NicholasBrady examined the history oftheJockey Club. Here WilliamBuckley described how he had sat at his desk and cried uponlearning of Whittaker Chambers's death, Here Henry Kiss-inger made a bathroom pun on the name of his friend LeeKuan Yew, who was in attendancethe sort of joke that thepeople of Singapore, whom Lee rules with such authoritarianzeal, are not free to make in public. The speeches are presentedas off-the-record one of the absurdities of Grove life, giventhat they are open to several thousand people, As the SovietSagdeyev said in his speech, "There is no glasnost here."

After Generai Chain's talk, the usual quiet business chatterwent on, "Your secretary, I got to tell you, she's 110 percent," a


to the timethe prime minister had visited the US.was a year and a half ago.

"One of the contemporary mythsabout the Bohemian Club is that it is agathering and decision-making placefor national and international 'powerbrokers,' the club's then-president saidin 1980. In fact, the encampment hasalways had political significance.Richard Nixon, Barry Goldwater andNelson Rockefeller all stopped in asthey geared up for their respective

presidential campaigns. Politicians say there is no place likethe Grove to help get a campaign rolling. No wonder this year'sguest list included the two biggest congressional bagmen ofrecent years: Representative Tony Coelbo, former chairman ofthe House Democratic Campaign Committee, and Representa-tive Guy Vanderjagt, his counterpart on the Republican com-mittee. These men were interested in something more thanpseudo-Druidic rituals,

The club says it serves as a "refuge" from the strivings of themarketplace, and though it's true that actual deal-making isdiscouraged, I heard business being done on all sides. The payphones were a hub of activity. "Owner slash developer," a mandictated to his secretary one morning. On the blackboard nearthe bootblack stand there were phone messages for corporateraider Henry Kravis and Bioomingdale's chairman MarvinTraub. That day as I sat writing a letter (actually my notes) atthe Civic Center, a one-story building in which various ameni-ties (Grove stationery, laundry facilities) are available to Bohe-

mians, I overheard a large fellow in cranberry-colored shorts on the phone, bragging to some-one back at the office. "I got slightlyinebriated - slightly! - heavily inebriated withthe president of the Portland Opera last night.I said we might have a deal for him. They're go-ing to have Pavarotti there in November. I saidwhen we got back we'd talk about it."

It was in the phone circle that Henry Kis-singer alienated some brother Bohemians onthe middle weekend. Wandering into the clear-¡ng, he announced to the air, "I have to maketwo phone calls" A man finished his call, andKissinger, ignoring a half-dozen men in line,took the booth and proceeded to retail to awoman, evidently his wife, the Russian speak-er'sjoke about the KGBs interrogation oía CIAagent.(The CIA agent den ies i nvolvement first i na calamitous ship disaster, then in Chernobyl7So

what are you responsible¡ti I llflh1flflDII1D for?" the KGB askshim.

FROM A NETWORK NEWSMAGAZINE CIRCLED FRANTICALLY FAR ABOVE"Your agricultural policy.") The woman on theline evidently objected to the joke, for Kissingersaid, revealing a dovish streak, "Maybe theKGBa'idwrite it, but it is not a sign of strength."

Kissinger's crusty performance was not ap-preciated by the men he'd cut in front olin line.One Bohemian, a patrician fellow with silverhair, wheeled in rage, saying, "I'll be god-damned." Cutting in line is distinctly un-Bohemian behavior.

Everywhere you hear what is Bohemian andwhat isn't Bohemian. One night I wanderedinto Fore Peak camp and got a lecture from aman named Hugh about Bohemian values ashey concerned Fore Peaks famous drink, amixture of hot rum and hot chocolate. Manyyears ago a doctor called it a Nembutal, and thename stuck, so much so that one Fore Peakcamper wears a stethoscope and a white labcoat with DR. NEMBUTAL stitched on it. Hughsaid that an old college friend came to stay inBohemia and took over the mixing of thedrinks. He persisted ici putting in too muchrum to see how many guys would pass out.

"Hey, knock it off, this is Bohemia," Hugh hadto tell him. He never in-vited the chum back.

A tenet of Grove lifeis noncompetitive egali-tarianism: all men areequal here. But in fact,class and status differ-ences among camps arepronounced.Just as youhave to be sponsored formembership, you have to

he sponsored for a camp. The screens get prettyfine. Nonetheless, the ideal of equality is corn-forcing. Among other things, it permits alco-holic failures to feel equal for a few days withtheir workaholic cousins. Since everyone is sup-posed to kick back and forget work, it's thefuckups annual revenge. At Sundodgers there isa motto on the mantel: THE PRODUCTIVEDRUNK IS THE BANE OF ALL MORALISTh. It tellsthe productive they can drink, it tells thedrunks they're productive.

A HIGH POINT OF THE MIDDLE WEEKEND WAS

che performance ofThe LowJinks, the Grove'selaborate musical-comedy show. Over the yearsthejinks has become the leading entertainmentat the encampment, surpassing the manneredand ponderous Grove Play, which is performedthe next weekend. Thejinks is vigorously low-brow. It takes place on the Field Circle stage,which is wedged in between two camps, PinkOnion (notable for its pink sheets) and CaveMan (notable for big-deal right-wingcrs and aplaque commemorati ng Herbert Hoover).

The Field Circle seats are steeply canted; sit-ting in one feels like being inside a megaphone.The mood was American and bellicose. For agood half hour the band warmed up the audi-ence, playing the fight songs ofmany Californiacolleges and the armed services and culminat-ing with "The Star-Spangled Banner." Indi-vidual melted into group, but what a group:George Shultz was seated below me, and wordin the camp was that a year and $75,000 or sohad been spent for a production that would beseen just once, just by them. I felt like a mem-

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ber of the greatest nation ever, thegreatest gender ever, the greatestgeneration ever. At such times - atmany such times, among strongleaders, deep in the foresttheGrove takes on a certain German-¡C übermenschlich feeling.

This year's Jinks was calledSculpmre Culture, and the humorwas not just lame but circa-1950scollege follies lame. Rex Greed, an

. " .i I

, . . his capital"). One day in the GroveS -

I tipped a camp valet and he offèrec

:: some unsolicited informationi ': - Hookers came to a certain bar ir-S '":) Monte Rio at ten each night, h

said. It was the same bar-lodge, ( .34.,Ip

. Phil,, Js . ph" motel where the local police had ar

rested a man for pandering a feCaII,ng i%/frrd E. Neuman: years back. The bust came right al.

¡he uI:raio/h,st:ca:e4pos,erfor ih: ter a Lakeside Talk by Williamyear j ¡iìwJrnks uìsa, w/.'wh cojiabout $75,000 toprodsveone Webster, then the FBI directo

effeminate gallery owner who sells toilets ("acounterpoint ofmass and void"), tries to con-vince artistJasonJonesJr. that his future lies insculptures composed ofgarbage. When a char-acter describes modern art as "the talentless be-ing sold by the unprincipled to the bewildered,"the crowd's roar seemed to contain the grief ofhundreds ofbusinessmen who have shelled out

and the timing suggested it was his doing. Butthe charges were dropped, and the man is re-membered fondly in the Grove. A BohemianI overheard on the beach one day said that theman's genius had been in keeping vacationingfamilies in the motel ignorant of the other busi-ness going on there. "Now, that's good manage-ment" he declared. capturing the robust laissez-

HERE BECAUSE I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN CONVINCED THAT THE LOW JINX IS THE ULTIMATE APHRODISIAC"

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for headquarters art they do not understand.The girls were all played by men, and every

time they appearedtheir chunky legs andflashed buttocks highly visible through tightsupport hose the crowd went wild. After onecharacter called the secretaries in the show"heifers," the audience couldn't resist breakinginto "moos" every time they came back onstage.But the biggest crowd pleaser was BubblesBoobenheim, a showgirl turned patroness whorubbed her prosthetic behind against the eleva-tor doors at stage left. The doors were used re-peatedly for wrong-floor gags. For example, atone point a Little League team came out that in-cluded Bohemians Bob Lune and Peter O'Mal-ley, the real-life owners ofthe San Francisco Gi-ants and the Los Angeles Dodgers, in uniform.

When one character, a PR executive, expresseda desire to make his mistress an honest woman,she objected, reminding him ofan old Bohemi-an saying: "If it floats or flies or fools around,don't buy it, rent it." The scene brought to mindthe reputation for prostitution that hangs aroundthe Grove. From time to time law enforcement

has tried unsuccessfullyto bring cases againstlocal procurers, and theBohemian Grove ActionNetwork circulates tes-timonials by a formerpaid mistress of a clubmember ("I only saw himtroubled by one thing,"she wrote. "He bought[an apple juice concern)for one million dollarsand . . . he was fearful hewould have to dip into

faire spirit of the Grove.The sexism and racism oftheJinks were ola

peculiar sort. Black jokes are out because thereare a handful of black members though oneday near the Civic Center I did hear a group ofold-timers trying to imitatejessejackson. As forJ ews, old membership lists suggest that theyhave taken a very small part in the club for de-cades. That leaves women and Hispanics as tar-gets for jokes - such as the one about Bubbles'sprotégé Raoul, who painted Puerto Rican flagson the backs of cockroaches.

The Jinks jokes about women were straightout of an old jokebook. "My father said if youhave a choice between an angry woman and arabid dog, take the dog," Jason Jones Jr. said."It's already got a fur coat and the license is alot cheaper." And Rex Greed said, "The onlydifference between rape and rapture is sales-manship." The sensibility ofthe Grove recalls anera before the surgeon generafs report on smok-ing. before the death of God and duty, beforethe advent of cholesterol and Sandra DayO'Connor (whose husband,John, bunks in Peli-cans). The mood is reminiscent ofhigh school.There's no end to the pee-pee and penis jokes,suggesting that these men, advanced in so manyother ways, were emotionally arrested sometimeduring adolescence.

The most striking prop ¡n The LowJinks wasa sculpture of a female torso whose breasts andbuttocks had both been attached to the front, animprovement that looked vaguely hostile. Andall the talk about male fellowship often soundsjust like a college freshman's version of o(;1;s!ls ALLOWEI), an institutional escape fromwomen, from their demands, aggressions andvapors. At certain times of year women are

allowed to enter the Grovebut only under "chaperonage,' ac-cording to a 1980 statement by the club president. Chaperon-

age for adult women. Ifs another Bohemian wee-wee word,something you haven't heard since you were 14.

The club's nemesis here is the state of California, whichkeeps chipping away at the Grove's maleness, lately threateningto take away its liquor license and its tax-exempt status becauseit discriminates against women. The state has established abeachhead at the Grove's front office, a hundred yards outsidethe main gate, where, under legal pressure, seven women havebeen employed. Inside the Grove there is a feeling of mournfulinevitability about the day women will jointhe encampment. Bohemians talk abouthow much it will muddle things. "It wouldscrew everything up, excuse the pun," saidan old-timer sipping a drink by the river.'There'd be a lot more preening and peacock-ing than there already is," a big gay Bohe-mian told me. Members have cited theirprivilege to walk about in "various states ofundress' And former California governorPat Brown has said publicly, many times,chat the presence of women would keep Bo-hemians from enjoying their hallowed free-dom to pee.

The peeing is ceaseless and more than alittle exhibitionistic. Everyone talks about it.Bohemian reminiscences describe such bi-zarre initiation rites as escorting new mem-bers to the redwood at which one of thefounders "did his morning ablutions." TheOwl Hoots, poster-size cartoons tacked upeach day near the Camp Fire Circle, are filledwith pissing pictures. One featured a spun-ous design for a commemorative stamp ofclub member U.S. Postmaster General An-thony Frank relieving himselfon a redwood.

"Are you going to show it?" I heard a 50-ishBohemian, the "captain" of Pow Wow camp,call out one day as young George went to pee off the deck.

Most of it. At least six inches.""Now, don't be modest, George."A screen door creaked on a little house farther up the hill,

and a Bohemian named Richard poked his head out, emergingfrom his siesta.

"Do it counterclockwise, Dickie, that's best," the captaincalled out.

"Oh, I've had my hand off it for two minutes now," Rich-ard protested.

. . 4Nd jome uìma:.ìdei,ujied-"Theres a lot of wasted time."m.the uvr/ds only eiiab/sihnien:

drag qa«n.r This dick-fussing often manifestsitselfas that starkest ofmale nostal-glas, the hankering for the punctualerections of boyhood. According to1979 figures, the average age ofBohemians is 55. Impotence is onmany people's minds. The posteroutside Monkey Block advertisingthis year's Grove play, Pompeii, fea-

tured a gigantic erection under a toga. The set for the play in-cluded a wall inscription in Latin meaning 'Always hard." Oneday I was at the Grove beach when a Bohemian discovered thata friend's sunscreen was supposed to impede aging.

"You got it too late."The owner ofthe lotion sighed. «Welt, I should give up put-

ting it on my face and arms and spray it on my pricksee ifthat'll do any good."

Bohemian discourse is full ofoblique organ worship as well.There's all the redwood talk. Bohemians rhapsodize endlesslyabouttower.ingshafts and the inspiration theygive men. i LOVE

THIS TREE AS THE MOST SOUND, UPRIGHTApili-Bohemian activist i1ary Moore. a uvjma,z-idenitfied-woman e/ediard to liberaiing the

reduodifro,,i man-identified-men . .

AND STATELY REDWOOD IN THE GROVE. LET

MY FRIENDS REMEMBER ME BY IT WHEN I AM

GONE, reads a plaque left by a Bohemian atthe base of a 301-footer.

Other references aren't so subtle. Late inThe Lowjinks the elevator doors opened anda man came out wearing a rubber HenryKissinger mask. He had a dumpy body alot like Kissinger's. A "heifer" asked himwhy he was there. The man peeled off themask to reveal that he really was Kissinger,and he said in his familiar gravelly accent,"1 am here because I have always been con-vinced that The Low Jinks is the ultimateaphrodisiac."

THE ENCAMPMENT GOT EVEN LOOSER ASthe third and last weekend approached. Thefairy unguents were wearing off; after twoweeks the place stopped looking so magicaland began to seem as ordinary as a tree-house. The nonfamous hard-core Bohemianswere more in evidence now, men who woreowls in various formsowl belt buckles,brass owl bolo ties, denim shirts embroi-dered with owls. Wooziness was pervasive.At his Lakeside Talk, Malcolm Forbes said

that Khrushchev knows the Soviets "are in over their heads,"and even as the name Gorbachev was murmured throughoutthe audience, Forbes rambled on, dotty and heedless, 25 yearsout-of-date.

At Faraway a guy beckoned me into the camp to enjoy "alittle orange juice." It tasted like lighter fluid sprinkled withmint flakes.

"What's in this?""Oh, just a little orange juice," the host repeated, smiling."What do you call this?" I asked another Farawayer."I call it dangerous," he said and told ofhow a dropped cigar

had once ignited a batch.The men of Faraway had captured the rearranged-woman's-

torso sculpture from The Low Jinks and now displayed itagainst a wall, having wedged a fern leaf in "her" crack. Mean-while, the tacked-up Owl Hoots drawings dubbed the sculp-tune the "statue of Piece" and pictured a Bohemian comment-ing that she would be "fun to dance with." Several ofthe Hootsjokes were at the expense of the homeless. One cartoon had acamper at Bromley turning away a filthyguy with a bag of cans.


ILL PLAY AND NO WORK THE SCHEDULE OF

. PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN

Even Bock n the Real World, One Former President Kkks Back and Relaxes .....

. Tucthy. February 28. 19ß9

Nicholas Brady missed putting the finishing touches on 945 am ¡)part or Office Residence Mexicds new debt.reduction plan. French prime minister Michel Bocard skipped out on a big post-Bastille.bicenten- 9 am Arri e t Office O Fox Plaza

nial mess in Paris. Malcolm Forbes missed out on some of 10:00 am Staffe O Office the superexciting buzz about Egg, his odd new lifestyle (30 mia)

magazine. Henry Kravis was away while his former partner 10:30 am Tapiig or Robert Schullers I 000th Conference .

Jerome Kohlberg prepared to sue him for breach of con- What did Ronald Reagan he (5 mm)

roaj4i (ç:: tract. miss while was wander.

ing the northern California woods with tipsy, overweight 11:00 am PhoncaII io Bruce Levine Ofce

guys in lederhosen? SPY obtained a copy ofthe former presi. (lo mia)

dents schedule for one day this year, complete with doodles. 11:10 am Person Time ,.\ o Office\_) His routine, as we suspected, is every bit as hectic and (50 mm) ,, 5/

momentous as it was when he put in his standard 11:OOto- 12:00 m Lunch Office 3:00 days in the Oval Office. (60 mm) o O o Reagan works in a luxurious nor holding a magazine. ° pm Personal me o Office

top.fioor suite in the Century City (I ht) office tower that was taken over by Given that the Rcagans wedding

2: pm Depart for Appointment with Dr. Bookman Fox Plaza German terrorists in Die Hard. anniversary scomingupon March Maintenance man Horatio Ramc 4. it would seem to be

a valiant 2:15 pm Appointment with Dr. Bookman Dr. Bookmans riz has taken it upon himself ro roll effort to figure out exactly how (5 mm) Office out a blue carpet (or his buildings many wsrs its been. anyway Un. most famous tenant to walk on as fortunately. since the marriage 2:20 pm Depart for haircut at Druckers Barber Dr. Bookmans he travels to and (rom his limousine took place in l92. the answer Rea Shop Office each day. Hcs a big (an of the gan comes up with is wrong.

former president explains Reagan 2:30 pm Haircut Dnackers spokesman Mark 'inberg. Hora. O Ralph Bookman, Reagans aller. (30 mm) Barber Shop zio paid (or the carpet. and he cares gist - the man who administers. as for it the former president puts it. my 3:00 pm Depart for Residence Druckers

sneeze shots Barber Shop o The former president familiar. > izes hïmsel(with the days script. O Beverly Hills barber Harry 3:lO pm Arrive Residence Residence Drucken who says he has been cut

.

. .

' o Yep, the pen works. ting Rragans hair exactly the same way for nearly half a century. sees I

JRV1SED O Having completed and crossed him at least twice a month. He off each laborious duty in his hectic describes the former

T :'

02/27/89 preaidents morning schedule. Reagan turns coiffure as a traditional haircut. a pm .. his attention to lunch. conservative haircut. lt isnt he

. points out helpfully. a hippie.type o If hes not napping now. youre haircut Paul Slansky

"This is for the campless, not the homeless," he was saying. The jokes fit right into the Grove's Ayn Rand R&R mood.

"My grandmother always said, You can find sympathy in the dictionary,' " a guy with a cigar said, walking on the River Road.

I'd made it in that day for breakfast at the Dining Circle, the most lavish meal of the Bohemian day, an experience redolent

of moneyed western ease. The rough wooden tables were piled with perfect fruit. As I sat down a great glistening arc of melon was slid before me. Today they were offering Alaskan cod, sau- téed lamb kidneys, eggs, French toast, bacon, sausages. The en-

campments rules about dealing with waiters reinforce the heartless but egalitarian values ofthe Grove. Tipping the help

is strictly forbidden, but so is reprimanding them. It's easy to imagine that many early Bohemians started out as laborers

and had to remind more aristocratic visitors that social mobil- ity was a cherished ideal. In the Grove's Club Medlike plan, the meals are covered in the fee for the encampment, which,

judging from schedules I'd seen from two years back, ran about $850 on top of annual dues. A waiter in a red jacket dropped an uneaten chunk of the

bright red cod into a waste bin, and the Bohemians at my table talked about presidents.

di,,,,, cIrtle: /ri,,kj It looked as though Richard Nixon ---

would once again not show. One old- timer said that Nixon was feuding

. with che board of directors. He was I. waiting to be asked to give a Lakeside k

Talk, but the club wasn't going to invite : . ..


him until he had shown them the respect ofvisiting Cave Mar for a weekend or so. In my informant's opinion, there was ba

blood; Nixons resignation 15 years ago had offended the club'i

honorit had been so un-Bohemian. The feud was unfor

tunate because Nixon and the club went back a long way. Ir 1953, when he was vice president, Nixon led a ceremon

honoring Herbert Hoovers 40th year as a Bohemian. It toot place at the Waldorf-Astoria, in a room piled with redwooc bark and branches shipped to Manhattan from the Grove. I, 1971, when the press corps forced him to cancel his speech ai

the Grove, President Nixon had wired the club to say, "Anyoru

can be president ofthe United States, but few have any hopeo becoming president of the Bohemian Club."

Meanwhile, the Bohemians' new favorite son had arrived ir

camp the night before. One of the waiters had heard whore house piano music coming from Owl's Nest, and he saic

Ronald Reagan liked that kind of music. Rumor had it thai Reagan was going to give the next day's Lakeside Talk. Sorn

said there were Secret Service men guarding the roads and th perimeter. They'd built special platforms in the trees for mer

with binoculars. I didn't want to disagree. On hikes I'd taken

k! JiUtét(/ Iamb iiincs ei/i iro,me/! my impression had been that the onl

- - people patrolling the ten miles oi

.,_l Grove perimeter were a guy at th

i, Guard House on Smith Creek Roac

f.'-_ : who spent a lot of time whittling i

' ' :'

. walking stick and ancient Bohemian

.; taking the daily 10:00 a.m. open

backed bus tour. Rimrides, the tours werecalled. Two ofthe buses

Thi«ir'smtpr pcaÁr: :i,bore vanity license plates

rp'riìdrni commemorating the1989 presidential inauguration - they had thewords KINDER and GENTLER stamped on them.

In the afternoon I walked up Kitchen HillRead to Owl's Nest. I wanted to visit the formerpresident. Owl's Nest is sort of an old-Hollywood-corporatist camp. Eddie Albert isthere, and United Technologies chieftain HarryJ. Gray, who this year had brought along UnionCarbide boss Robert D. Kennedy. Thecamp hasa false outer door and two overlapping wallsthat form an S-shaped entry. Inside, a plumpSecret Service guy in a Members Only jacket satnear a giant wooden owl. There were owl figureseverywhere, notably a silver owl ice bucket onthe bar whose head tilted off cleverly.

I walked over to the Secret Service guy andasked if it was okay to meet the president. Hesaid Reagan would love it and motioned with anopen hand toward the deck.

Reagan was mixing it up with a bunch of old-timers a few feet away. The first thing I noticedwas that he had finally let his hair go gray. Also,he's not as tall as he looked in office. He worewestern gear all the way, a gray-blue checkedwestern shirt, a white braided western belt,cowboy boots and, in his left breast pocket, anOWl'S Nest pin with an owl on it. The getupstood out because it was so fastidious amongmen who had let themselves go.

We shook hands firmly (his: small, bony) andchatted. Even one-on-one he has that habit ofsmiling and cocking his head and raising aneyebrow to encourage you. He projects an auto-matic, almost druggy congeniality. I workedhard to respond in kind (I invented an infantson named Ronald Wilson Weiss). We talkedabout his guest days at the Grove, before he be-came a member in 1975 (two months after heleft the California governorship, a week after

' George Shultz joined). I asked himIn Q ii IV whether it was true that it was at the

ground, they'd announced the next days Lake-side Talk. The mystery was over. COMMENTS BYRONALD WILSON REAGAN, said placards on thewooden signboards. By the time the talk wasover, the posters had all been lifted by souvenir-seeking Bohemians.

AS DINNER BEGAN THAT NIGHT, PEOPLE WERE

already sitting down on the redwood benches atthe main stage for the Grove play (despite theposter, a humorless enactment of the destruc-tion of Pompeii). Everything felt peaceful andsweet, like death, the good things they say aboutit: the end to striving, the sunlight-dappledheavenliness. Music sounded softly. A bagpiperwalked in the woods by himself squeez-ing out a melancholy song, a brassband played "Sweet Georgia Brown"in Cliffdwellers, and in Band camp ayoung guitarist and an old pianist ex-perimented with the Isley Brothers'"It's Your Thing."

Nearby, a young member ofthe castdressed as a woman pulled apart pur-push gossamer robes to pee. The popu-lar redwoods between the Dining andCamp Fire Circles now reeked of urineand wore what looked to be a perma-nent skirt ofwet, blackened soil. For awhile I thought the bar of salt bracket-ed on one tree by the lake was an ex-perimental effort to neutralize uricacids before they hit the roots. ltturned out to be only a deer lick.

Down by the lake I saw three men lying onthe ground, talking. When they got up to go todinner, one hugged another around the middlefrom behind and trudged up the bank with himthat way, laughing.

"Honey, I lost my ring and I want to sell thehouse," the third one said, mocking a homecom-ing speech.

At dinner I sat across from a young brokerwho shared his wine with me and complainedabout his girlfriend. The meal (tournedos ofbeef) was festive and communal. The long ta-

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AIDS HAS PUT A DAMPER ON THE GROVE'S RIVER ROAD PICKUP SCENE,Grove in 1967 that he, then the new governor,had assured Nixon that he wouldn't challengehim outright for the Republican nominationin 1968.

Reagan didn't get the question the first timearound. He pitched himself forward in his seatwith a puzzled look, still trying to be genial. Irepeated myself, and he said, "Yes, yes, that'strue," in the famous furry voice. Then an oldfriend came up and snagged his attention.

By the time I got back into the central camp-

bies are lit by gas pipes that spring from theears of wooden owl silhouettes three feet abovethe table, a haifdozen ofthese per table. Winegets passed around (though members must signfor the bottles on a chit). Oid friends moveamong the tables, kissing one another, and aruddy Bohemian gets up on a bench and, as hisfriends cheer him on, removes his cap andopens his mouth to sing. Great intimacy isachieved in song.

The physical aspect ofBohemian male bond-

BUT A MAN ON

HIS OWN OFTEN

GETS INVITED

BACK TO CAMPS

BY BROTHER

BOHEMIANS


III GOT TO TAKE

A SECONDTO DO SOME-

T H I N G

ing can't be overlooked. Even 100-year-old Groveannals have a homoerotic qua1ir with referencesto "slender, young Bohemians, clad in economi-cal bathing suits." Nudity was more commonthen. Today AIDS has put a damper on theGrove's River Road pickup scene, which HerbCaen used to write about in his San Francisco

Chroniclegossip column.Just the same, a man onhis own often gets invited back to camps by gayBohemians. The weirdest approach I experi-enced came from a tall redhead in western wear,a fourth-generation Californian. He wanderedup with a beer in his hand as I sat reading on abench and, pausing for emphasis, pronounced,'In the beginning the Lord createdcunts."

WHEN RONALD REAGAN CAME TO THE GREEN

make the two-year congressman's term four years.to reduce the number ofelections that we ha,because I think that's one ofthe reasons that onlyabout 53 percent of the people vote. We're justoverdoing it. There's a kind ofemotional experi.ence with an election year, that between state ekc.tions, local elections - and besides, with a two-year term, a congressman gets elected and the nextday he starts campaigning for the next election.'

I wanted to ask Reagan about efforts to dc-segregate the club. It's only a matter of timebefore the club gets sued under either Califor-nia's civil-rights act or San Franciscds civil.rights ordinance, both of which bar sex dis.crimination in business establishments. TheBohemians will be hard-pressed to prove thathey are a purely private club that falls out-

side the legal defini.tion ofa business, whenclearly so many members participate forbusiness-related rea-

sons. Some day thewalls will fall, thoughit's hard to see whyany woman would wantto join a crowd of oldRepublicans chewing

NAUGHTY HERE," REAGAN SAID, "SINCE THIS IS AN ALL-STAG ARRANGEMENT"The Lamp of

FeIlou'ìhip u'arrnj

Bo1.'ernians to teu'

heighu ofbrotherly loue.


parasol the next day, the organ player broke into"California, Here I Come." Reagan said that itwas good to be back. The Grove had been amajor factor in his "homesickness. . .when youare forced to be away, as I was, for eight years."

The speech was canned and courtly Thoughhe cursed now and then, he seemed uncomfort-able with the word damn, which he said almostsotto voce. He did take a crack at toilet humor:

"You know, I got to take a second to do some-thing naughty here, since this is ari all-stag ar-rangement. You know how many times we'vebeen in someone's home and we've wanted to goto the powder room and we've maybe said, 'Ex-cuse me, I've got to powder my nose.' Well, a mandid that at a parrç and his hostess said, whenhe came back, she said, 'You must have the long-est nose in the world.' He said, 'What are youtalking about?' She said, 'Your fly's open.'"

Polite laughter.The only surprises came when he took ques-

tions. He got rousing applause when he called forgreater regulation ofthe media. "You know, thepress conferences were adversarial bouts - theywere there to trap me in something or other."

Reagan also came out in favor of four - yearterms for congressmen. "You know," he said, forhe started every comment with that phrase, "Ihaven't said this publicly before. I would like to

cigars and reminiscing about potency.I wrote "How do you feel about government

and legal efforts to force the Club to admit wornen?" on a piece of Grove stationery and went upto the fellow taking questions from my section.by thegianr owl. Ir was a risk, but then it was my

last hour of my first and last Grove. My bagswere packeda camera in one pocket, a taperecorder in the other. Also, I'd tried to grab oneofthe free Bohemian Club walking sticks fromthe museum, something I could lean against myoffice wall with the B/C shield turned out to re-mind myself that this right-wing fantasia hadnot been just a dream. But there were none left;Bohemians had taken them all hiking.

The moderator studied the page and askedwho I was and what camp I was in. We were afew feet from the Lamp ofFellowship, and afterlooking me over he said he didn't know, this waspushing it. He didn't ask Reagan my question,of course. The rest of the questions were aboutthe world outside the Grove. Then the organiststruck up "America the Beautiful" and Reaganleft in a red truck, waving.

Later I heard a Bohemian on the River Roadsaying it had been brave ofReagan to take on allcorners. But another Bohemian pointed out itreally hadn't been a big risk. Who was going iooffendihepresident? After all, this was Bohemia.)

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6

It seedy coffee shop. Two playwrights,

ITCHY and MOE.ITCHY: So?

MOE: What.ITCHY: Okay.

MOE: What?

ITCHY: Mamet.

(Pause.)

BY MOE: Mamet.ITCHY: Yeah.

MOE: David Mamet?DAVU (Pause.)

ITCHY: Who else?

IVE MOE: Fuck me.

ITCHY: Why?

MOE: Get outta here. (Pause.) DavidMamet.

ITCHY: What, you don't likeMOE: Hey.

ITCHY: You don't like Mamet?MOE: Fuck me.

ITCHY: What.

E D1MOE: Listen.ITCHY: What.MOE: In nineteen-thirty-whatever,people thought Clifford Odets was agenius too.

(Pause.)

ITCHY: So?

MOE: What.ITCHY: Listen.

MOE: David Mamet is a Potemkinplaywright. You drive around theback of David Mamet, you're gonnasee a lot of boards holding up a face.ITCHY: Listen.

MOE: What.ITCHY: DavidMOE: All right.ITCHY: David Mamet. , . is the WilliamCongreve of our time.

(Long pause.)

MOE: Who thefuck is William Congreve?

recognizable, immensely suc-cessful, David Marner has spent the last dozen years be-

coming a celebrity if not a minor American iconthe mostsignificant serious dramatist of his generation. Playwright,screenwriter, director essayist and kvetch, he has demonstrateda gift for self-packaging and self-promotion unparalleled inthe American theater since the days when Orson Welles was askinny, hustling tyro.

What PR firm could have come up with a better show thanthe turtleneck, the crew cut, the McGeorge Bundy glasses, theaggressive cigar? And, of course, there is the marriage to theactress daughter of a Pulitzer prizewinning playwright. As forsuccess, consider the fact that the Times once ran a small articleto announce that Mamets most recent London production hadgot mixed reviews.

Now, that is success in the American theater.But what about the oeuvre? Is there magnitude in these

works? Or just Mametude? What is the place ofthe plays in thelarger scheme ofart, capitalism and the graduate school careersof one or two of our grandchildren?

Even Mamet's harshest, most resentful critics can't deny theman's gift for dialogue, that rat-tat-tat scatological hustler'spatter that often sounds like a conversation between two foul-mouthed Selectrics from Bay Ridge. At times a Mamet text con-sists of little more than "no' "yes' «but' "and" and "fuck' half of

HEPLthem italicized. And still one listens raptly and says, Yes, that's howAmericans talk. Particularly American men.

Yet David Mamet knows something much more fundamen-tal than how Americans talk. Particularly American men. Healso knows that Americans are basically an impatient folk, andthat they don't want to sit around inside some theater for toolong. They want to get out and drink, eat on top of the MarriottMarquis, pick up their cars at the lot and just drive. Americansdon't want the whole megillah, they want the gist. This is, afterall, the country that invented USA Today and Reader's DigestCondensed Books.

In this regard, David Mamet is the writer geared for hismoment. A full-length Mamet play such as Glengarry Glen Rossmay run a little under 90 minutes, including a 20-minute inter-mission, and the two breaks in Speed-the-Plow may even be longerthan the whole second act. In fact, in the 22nd century, this maybe viewed as Mamet's greatest, most enduring gift to the Amen-can theater : shorter and quicker full-length plays.

Thus, the following cultural service. For all of you too itchyto even go to the theater, we boiled down the major plays andextracted their essences so you could become acquainted withthe Master's work in the Master's own insistent way: even short-er, even quicker and even more to the fucking point.


._-I-I tJ-I- ll IJF WI%I I-UW TThe Complete David MametinaCan Broadway Sets and Players

1. Fold back side and

bottom flaps of stage.

2. Cut sets out of

nagazine page and curvethem so that the tabs fi:

inside the slots.

¿I i. Bendflaps back andjoin together at slots to

forni a ring.

2. Slip finished puppet

over desi red finger

3. Shakefinger to

indicate dialogue.

--I_.-. -I I_WPerformance time: 50 seconds

I

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.v

ACT I

Goultis Hollywood office. Morning.

Fox: Gould, you're the new head of production at this studioand I'm an unsuccessful independent producer, and you oweme a favor.GOULD: That's right, Fox.

Fox: I've discovered this trashy script. Will you take it to thehead of the studio and make me rich, Gould?GOULD: Yes I will, Fox. At ten dclock tomorrow morning.Fox: Thank you, Gould.GOULD: I'm a whore.Fox: I'm a whore, too. Whis your sexy new secretary?GOULD: She's just a temp, Fox.Fox: I'll bet you $500 you can't get her into bed.


'LJ\1//f\ L

___1

GOULD: It's a bet. (Into intercom) Karen, would you come ¡nhere, please? (KAREN enters.) Karen, will you read this bookabout cosmic bulishit and come to my apartment tonight toreport on it?KAREN: Yes, sir.

CURTAIN

ACT H

Gould's apartment. That night.GOULD: Did you read the book, Karen?

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KAREN: Yes, and I think it's brilliant and that Mr. Fox's scriptis trash.

GOULD: But I'm just a whore.KAREN: J think that you're a very sensitive man.GOULD: At last, a woman who understands me!

CuRTAIN

ACT III

Goukts office. Next just before 10:00 a.m.

i

J

1

L___

GOULD: Fm not going to recommend your script to the headof the studio, Fox. 1m going to recommend the book aboutcosmic bulishit instead.Fox: You're only doing this because Karen went to bed withyou, Gould.GOULD: Gee, maybe you're right, Fox. (Into intercom) Karen,would you come in here, please? (KAREN enters.) Karen, you'refired. (KAREN exits.)

Fox: She's a whore.GOULD: She's a whore.Fox: And life is good.

CURTAIN

u

Performance time: 5 7 seconds

ACT I

Scene i. A booth al a Chinese restaurant.

WILLIAMSON: Levene, you're a failure.

LEVENE: Forty fift)ç sixty years ago I was the best goddamnhusder of swampland in the history of the real estate scams!(Longpause.) Now, I happen to need some leads so that I canwin a Cadillac as top salesman of the month. And you're myboss. So, Williamson?

WILLIAMSON: You can't have any leads.

LEVENE: Oh, please, John, please?

Scene 2. Another booth at the restaurant.

MOSS: Aaronow.

AARONOW: Duhh.

MOSS: Somebody should steal the leads from the real estate office.AARONOW: Dubh.

Moss: I mean you and me, Aaronow. Tonight.(AARONOW thinks.)

AARONOW: But wouldnt that be illegal?

Scene 3. Another booth.

-- ±____---a

ROMA: What is the meaning of life?POTENTIAL CUSTOMER: I don't know.

ROMA: Me neither. Would you like to buy some real estate?

CURTAIN

ACT II

The real estate office. The pla« has been ransacked.

WILLIAMsON: Aaronow, someone broke into the office lastnight and stole the leads.AARONOw: Duhh.WILLIAMSON: Was it you?

AARONOW: Duhh.(ROMA enters.)

ROMA: Gracious heavens. The office has been ransacked?WILLIAMSON: Yes. Was it you, Roma?ROMA: Fuck you, John.

(LEVENE enters.)


LEVENE: Hand over the Cadillac! I just made a huge sale!WILLIAMSON: Sorry, Levene. You broke into the officelast night and stole the leads. (To POLICEMAN) TakeLevene away.

(POLICEMAN takes LEVENE away.)

ROMA: You mean . . . that's the end? That's all?WILLIAMSON: Yes.

ROMA: Oh, okay. (Smalipause, followed by a brief silence.)Life. . . is lift. I'm going back to the Chinese restaurant.

CURTAIN

l%,,I rI nt_J F FL_IPerformance time: 53 seconds

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ACT I

A junk shop. Morning.

DON: Bob, you're a young punk.BOB: Fuckin right I am.DON: A small-time thief.BOB: Fuckin' right I am.DON: But we never use the word "thief," do we, Bob?BOB: Fuckin' right we don't.DON: And do you fence stolen goods through my junk shop?BOB: We never talk about it.DON: Fuckin' right we don't.

(Pause.)

BOB: So what do we talk about, Don?DON: The nature oflife. And we say "luck" a lot.

(TEACH enters.)

TEACH: Fuckin' l:fe.

DON: Is it bad, Teach?TEACH: It's bad.

DON: Go for coffee, Bob. (BOB exits.) Bob's going to steal avery valuable coin collection for me tonight, Teach.TEACH: Bob's too young.

DON: You're right, Teach. You should steal the coins instead.TEACH and DON: But let's not tell Bob.

CuRTAIN

ACT II

Thejunk shop. That night.TEACH: Everything is going wrong, Don. It looks like I can'tdo the job after all.DON: Are you just making excuses, Teach?TEACH: Don, luck you and the gene pool you swam in on.(Aside to audience) I'm being a failure.

(BOB enters.)

BOB: Don, how would you like to buy this rare buffalo-headnickel?

TEACH: Did you steal that from the very valuable coin collec-tion I was supposed to steal, Bob?BOB: No. (TEACH hits him.) Ow! (BOB bleeds.)DON: Fuck you, Teach.TEACH: Fuck you, Don.BOB: Fuck you, Don and Teach. (Pause.) Donis life goodor bad?DON: Shut up, Bob.TEACH: Ah, heck.

CURTAIN

ore square feet.

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Per/ormance time: I minute, ¡5 seconds

.---Ij r:?-

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.

Scenes I through ¡6: DANNY andhisfriend BERNIE are drinking.BERNIE: All women are alike, Danny.DANNY: Gosh, Bernie. Is that really true?BERNIE: Yes, essentially they're bitches.DANNY: Or whores?BERNIE: Or whores.

( They exit. Enter DEBORAH and her roommate, JOAN.)JOAN: All men are alike, Deborah.DEBORAH: They certainly are, Joan.JOAN and DEBORAH: They're men.

(Exit DEBORAH. BERNIE enters.)

BERNIE: Hi there.JOAN: Get lost.

(He does so. So does she. Enter DEBORAH. DANNY enters, too.)

DANNY: Hi there.DEBORAH: Get lost.

DANNY: Want to go out with me?( They exit. BERNIE enters and lies down and stares at the ceiling.)

BERNIE: Is there a metaphysical point to broads?(BERNIE goes away. DANNY andDEBORAH enter andlie down.)

DANNY and DEBORAH: Goodriight!(They/all asleep. Then they get ap andgo to a bar BERNIE isthere. DANNY introduces BERNIE and DEBORAH.)

DANNY: Deborah, Bernie. Bernie, Deborah.DEBORAH and BERNIE: Hello!

BERNIE: You're a nice girl, Deborah. (Aside to DANNY) Prob.ably a whore.

(DEBORAH exits. DANNY and BERNIE go to their job.)

BERNIE: Danny, people sometimes have sexual intercourseunder very peculiar circumstances.DANNY: Is that true, Bernie?

(BERNIE gives examples. They exit. DEBORAH andJOAN enter)

JOAN: Is there a metaphysical point to life?(DEBORAH does not answer She andJOAN probably go shopping.

DANNY and BERNIE suddenly reappear)

BERNIE: Dont fall in love, Danny.DANNY: Mmn.BERNIE: Deborah's just another bitch.


-

.tIí5zr1'AT

___1DANNY: Mmn.

(Pause.)

BERNIE: I gather you don't agree with me?(BERNIE gets lost. DEBORAH enters. She and DANNY liedown again.)

DANNY: Masturbation.DEBORAH: Penises.

(Pause.)

DANNY: I think I'm falling in love with you.(He does so. DEBORAH vanishes. DANNY gets up and/or somereason meets BERNIE in a toy shop.)

BERNIE: Danny, do you know that when I was a child, an oldman once put his hand on my genitals in a movie theater?DANNY: No.

(All o/a sudden, DEBORAH andJOAN are at a restaurant.)DEBORAH: Fm going to move in with Danny.JOAN: Uh-oh.

(DEBORAH moves in with DANNY. JOAN goes somewhere else.)

DANNY: Where's the shampoo?DEBORAH: Will you still love me when I'm old?DANNY: Why are you putting on dirty panty hose?

(He silently/ails out o/love with her)DEBORAH: Are we all right?DANNY: Shut up, Deborah.DEBORAH: Shut up yourself, Danny. (Pause.) I'm moving backto my old apartment with Joan.

(She does so.)

JOAN: All men are alike, Deborah.DEBORAH: Oh, be quiet.

(Meanwhile, DANNY and BERNIE are at a beach, ogling women.)

DANNY: All women are alike, Bernie.BERNIE: Yes, they certainly are.DANNY: Bitches.BERNIE: Or whores. And life?DANNY: Life is good, Bernie.BERNiE: Life is very good.

CURTAIN

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1S4

In his 1955 book, The Exurbariites, A. C. Spectorsky argued that thecommuters in gray flannel suits who marched through Grand CentralTerminal weren't confirmed suburbanites but were at heart urban-ites"short-haul expatriates [who] really never leave town, thoughthey live . . . on the North Shore." Times, of course, change, and aroundNew York nowadays one sees a different group of expatriates: twenty-

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TR AC HT EN B ERG

here was a time when recluses were serious about their reclusiveness. Oh

sure, there was always the fuzzy photo of one crossing o busy midtowr

street, Or the museum curator who would discover one upstate somewhere. Mostly

though, they were pretty good at being rarely seen and never heard. Then, in this last,

confessional decade, they started coming out of hiding. The classical pianist Glenr

Gould may hove had the dramatic integrity to drop dead before his comeback, bui

other notable recluses have been less selfish with their presence. Brian Wilsor

resurfaced as a thinner, better-groomed nut; Marlene Dietrich narrated a movi

about hcrsclf (and followed up with an autobiography); and then come the rumor thaI

former first lady turned career girl Jacqueline Onassis was trying to sign ultra-reclus

Greta Garbo to write an autobiography for Doubleday. Setting aside the iron

inherent in the junior recluse convincing the wizened veteran to come out olmothballs, the recluse movement will suffer something of a setback if Garbo, thc

recluse against whom all others ore measured, talks. For those once-celebratec

people who hove been able to stay out of the public eye for o while (or who have beer

forced out of it), o convenient venue for ostentatious reemergence lately has been thc

tell-all book. But this is not the only option. Van Cliburn, for instance, simply camc

back in the flesh last summer, thereby sparing former hairdressers and high schoo

dates the loss of dignity that o tell-all memoir involves. lt is in just such a spirit

First, BE RICH. Duke's father,I.Iv k. :IUJJ ames Buchanan Duke, the

Lucky Strike mogul and endower of Duke UniversityLIFE.STYLE LESSONS

died when his only child, Doris, was 13. He left herFROM DORIS DUKE, $70 million in cash ($492 million in 1989 dollars)

and an array of trust funds. This admixture ofTHE TOBACCO HEIRESS

emocional and financial infamy led the press to labelWHO ADOPTED A her, along with Barbara Hutton and Gloria Vanderbilt.

a 'poor little rich girl. She remains rich (indeed, sheBELLY DANCER

may be the country's wealthiest woman, with a fortuneAND BAILED OUT estimated at between $800 million and $3 billion,

$300 million of it kept perpetually liquid in a "madIMELDAMARCOS

money cash account), but she is no longer little:BY P. J. CORKERY 76-year-old Doris Duke stands over six feet tall.

In addition to having money, there are two

90 SPY NOVEMBER I9i9

that spy invites the following recluses baci

to work (wherever age, agility and mentol

health permit, of course). For those whc

would like to pick up their careers when

they left off (like that thoughtful VanCliburn), we have taken the liberty olchoosing a figure currently working irtheir field who would please us very much

by giving up his slot for the returnín9pro. This nominee would promptly go

into deep seclusion himself, therebyreplenishing the recluse pool. Who

says we don't offer solutions'

HIDEOUT

LAST

POSITION

HELD

LAST

KNOWN

MOOD

1941,scarred in Two-

Faced Wonia,,

Takes long walks

Chatty

Jay Ward, 69

Los Angeles

'IProducer. creator and

writer ofTbe I3a//u'j,ikle

S/jo:'

Kay Thompson, 75

East 57th Street.

Manhattan

Singer-actress-musical

arranger-author ofEloijr

George Huntington

Hartford H, 78

East 30th Street,

Manhattan

Inheritor of$90 million

A&P gmcery fortune

1987, plaintiflin a suit 1984.oversaw production Ownerofan island in theagainst Random House ofCap'n Crunch cereal 1970, wrote her first non- Bahamas (1961-73). a

commercials Eloise book, Mi.0 Pooky theater in Hollywood

Peckinpaiigh and Her S«rri (1953-64), a museum inPris'aie Boyfricndi Compiere New York (1964-69) and

With ielefrbonrNllmbert Show magazine (1961-66.

1970)

\Vatchcs a lot ofTV. but Apartment-sitter (her Prisoner in own homeJays he writes all the time Semiretired; manages the

Dudley Do-Right

Emporium in 1.os Angeles

own)

Lit ig mus Anuised tjnavai labk Shy. drugged

lII a

On promotional tour to

have Moosylvania

declaredastate,Wardwas

escorted offthe White

rm!I .-

_________________-

Last year. six ofGarbos Alter king surprised by a In 1982 Hartford wasused Dr. Scholls foot pads phone call and a visit from House grounds during the evicted from his Newwere sold in New York for Salinger at a Flortda Cuban Missile Crisis; Has not given ¡yana York apartment alter$25 apiece dinner theater, TV actress commissioned a stuffed Trump her consent to sleeping through episode

Elainejoyce, formerly of dummy olhimselfto reinstall The Plaza's Eloise in which es-wile Elaine1h Don Knoitj Shou', greet guests at his suite; is Liza MinnelIis Kay tied up his nakcalled Salinger 'really daughte?s wedding godmother 17- year-old

outrageous!" tape-recorded voice said, secretary and

"Hello, Fm Jay Ward and shaved herthis is costing me a head 1

fortune

Unrepentantly successful High-strung pseudo- Shuttle-owningSUGGESTED Rodentish hat-abuser Jowly. 25-year-

aston Phyllis Donald Trump

Garfield creatorjim Davis actress-singer-memoirist dilettante-megalomaniacArquette

::ee authorRosanna

.

}Newman

- ¶7-NOVEMBER 1989 SPY 91

Wells Lawrence. 61 Phil Spector. 48 ]Terrtnce Malick, 45

HIDEOUT Neauphle-Le.Cháccau. DaII.t ,T xas, and St. Beverly Hills Thxas

Fmnce Jean-Cap-Ferrac. France I (as oí 1984)

Thomas Pynchon, 52

Boston, perhaps

f.

&mitolcrable child Careergirl.Jack Tnktr & Schizoid record produr Inrcsting hIm (IitC(t()1 Publicity-singeractress who saved Partners shy authortJniversal Studios Irorn uíparanoiac ,

bankruptcy in the 1930s novels

LAST 1948, starred in For the CEO of Wells. Rich, 198 I , helped Yoko Ono 1978, directed Days of 1984, published oldPOSITIOr1 LoveofMary Greene advertising with her easy-listening Heaccn; 1987. wrote stories under the titleHELD album Seaioi ofG/ais unused screenplay for S/ow L&zrncr

, Jerry Lee Lewis hiopic.

Greai Balli of Fire

- --_____ ----- ----__ - -- -- --.____.l!1:1:l:II French CEO ofWclls. Rich, Unemployed schizoid Rumored to E a script Living oil $3l0,IX)O.I(4IIl[.J housewife Greene advertising (by record producer doctor, a drifter and an MacArthur Fellowship,

.; telephone to New York asid rea(ler granted in 1988: Vine/and,

- ,. . office from Texas or the a new book, will out in.. south of France) February

LAST Graceful (to the fans who Relaxed iôwhv Spiritual RciiuivtKNOWN :r::i:n:::;:;h

Durhin cakes her clothes

to the dry cleaners herself

___________INever finished an Rumored co be workingDespite nonauendancc at During their marriage.

office, likes co review Spector saul that if svifc assignment to profile on a book about an

telephone bills and Ronnie ever kil him, he leftist lxlitkal theorist insurance claims adjuster

business trip expense would kill her and then Rigis Debray Ir The New who socs tojapan toreports of her employees display her body Pr& assess property damage

in a glass coffin inflicted by Godailla:

hekeptinhis speaks in

SUGGESTED Substance-abusing child Advertising monopolist Despised record executive Careless auteurREPLACEMENT scar turned teen and chiefexecutive docenc Irving Azoff John Landis

survivor l)rew i ; Charles Saatchi

F_ Rarmore


(.)wlish humanist

Kurt VonnegucJr.

Bobby Fischer, 16

Southern California (as of

1985)

Professional

gamesman-nerd

1972, WOn world chess

championship against

Boris Spassk)

Moves around a lot

Delusional, anti-Semitic.

Fischer is a conspiracy

theorist who had flllings

removed from his teeth to

prevent che government

from electronically

invading his mind

Arrested in 1981 for

vagrancy. Fischer was

jailed for two days (police

had mistaken him for a

bank robber). Upon

rclease, wrote booklet

called I Was Thriuredip, the

Pasadena Jal/haute.

Chapter headings include

Brutally Handcuffed,

insulted. Choked" and

Stark Naked

The Amazing

Kreskin

Forrest Mars

Sr., 85;

Forrest Mars

Jr.. 58; and

John Mars, 54

Virginia, Las Vegas and/or

New Jersey

Respectively: owner of

Mars Inc. candy company;

co-president olMars Inc.;

co-president olMars Inc.

I 98 1 , Forrest Sr. began

Ethel M. chocolates, a

firm specializing in

liqueur-flavored candies,

while his two idiot sons

continued to fight for

control of Mars Inc.

Respectively: retired

executive; slovenly

executive; shy executive

Nutty. nuttier and

nuttiest

Extremely rareentire

family of recluses. Forrest

Sr. once dropped to his

knees at a stati meeting

and said, "I pray for Milky

Ways. I pray for Snickers.'

Forrest Jr. likes to pick his

nose, belch and go

barefoot while attending

business meetings.

Visiting a company plant,

J ohn Mars once decided to

camp out in che parking

lot in his Winnebago

Home-wrecking

billionaire Sid Bass's

family of Fort

\Vorth

Elvis Presley, 54

Kalamazoo, Michigan

Kingof

rock 'n roll

Bloated scarf bufl and

arena singer

Wanders supermarket

aisles

Irregular

In 1987 a Hart campaign

worker said, "The

probability ofGary Hart

seeking the nomination

for president of the

United States is as

unlikely a possibility as

believing Elvis Presley is

still alive"

Furry-lipped casino

entertainer-tcnacious

litigant \Vaync

Newton )

important prerequisites for world-class reclusehood:BEING OSTENTATIOUSLY PROTECTIVE OF ONE'S PRIVACY,of course, and, paradoxically, INDULGING IN THEOCCASIONAL OSTENTATIOUS BOUT OF ECCENTRIC ANDUNNECESSARY PUBLIC BEHAVIOR. Greta Garbo is theperson most often associated with the former; Duke,now that Howard Hughes is dead and all those bottlesfilled with his urine have presumably been emptied,is the highly entertaining champion of the latter.

Like any great, madcap recluse, Duke resurfacesonly occasionally, and unpredictably. She made anespecially unlikely splash last year when, with a flurryof statements damning the American judicial system,she put up the $5 million bail for Imelda Marcos afterher federal indictment for embezzlement. Then, a weeklater, Duke, twice-married but childless, announcedthat she was legally adopting her constant companionofthe last five years, 35-year-old Chandi Heiner, thehippie-ish sister-in-law ofTriangle Industries chairmanNelson Peltz. Heiner is Duke's resident belly dancerturned resident bookkeeper and personnel director,and, certain friends and employees of Duke's suggest,a goiddigger. She is also, one might add, Duke's mostcozy intimateand 40 years her junior.

Prior to bailingout Marcos, Duke'smost notorious pub-lic escapade oc- .

curred in 1966, when,leaving the drive-way of her Newportmansion, she acci-dentally pushed theaccelerator and fatallyflattened her then-companion EduardoTirella. (Althoughservants later re-ported having heard,the night before thedeathblow, a loud and

hat,ugly argument between Duke car: ib reclus.', toolsand Tirela apparently pro- 1h. trod&Duhm iii 1981

yoked by Tirella's threats to leave her, the incident wusofficially ruled an accident.)

And then, of course, there are those publicappearances that don't make headlines. In 1971 Dukebegan singing with a local black gospel choir inNutley, NewJersey (not far from Duke Farm, her2,700-acre estate), and she even performed in a gospelconcert at Madison &uare Garden. She extendedhospitality to the church's ministers by inviting themup co Newport and our co her Honolulu estate andordering the staff co attend to their every need; theirneeds in Hawaii are said by a houseman to haveincluded a case of vodka a week per clergyman. Dukeevidently enjoyed riding around conservative Newportwich the two black pastors; she once announced to oneofher staff, "We'll blow these people's minds:' »+


In August 1988 Duke was sported at the JVCNewportJazz Festival, which usually provides theoccasion for her sole public appearance of thesummer, accompanied by two bodyguards. Thisparticular outing drew stares primarily for the mostunusual way that they were escorting her. Eachextended an elbow, which Duke then clutched. Slowlyand carefully she made her way, supported by her twomassive human canes. And just a few months ago shewas one ola dozen cosponsors ola New York dinnerhonoring Martha Graham. (Like Graham, Duke in1971 created a dance foundation and company,hoping to dance withthe troupe; when she 'realized that she couldntcontrol the company asshe wanted to, she shutthe foundation downand repossessed thedancers' shoes.)

But while it generallytakes wealth and a gid-dy ambivalence aboutprivacy to become animportant Americanrecluse, the reclusive-eccentric life-style in-volves five other par-ticular attributes. Theyare a CREDULOUS IN-TEREST IN THE SUPER-

NATURAL (such as thatpursued by Brian Wi!-son); a cuuous HEALTH-AND-DIETARY REGIMEN

(Hughes); an OBSESSION

WITH ANIMALS (Michael

Jackson); PROBLEMATIC

AND IMPERMANENT LOV-

ERS (Christina Onassis);and a love-hate relation-

described by a staff member as looking like aflashlight with a corkscrew on the end. When passedover food, the corkscrew would rotate. The direction ofthe rotation indicated whether the food was toxic orno ntoxi c.

Another healer had a reputation for being able tocure sick pets. Since Duke is especially fond of herdogs (lengthy discussions about outfitting her bitcheswith IUDs took place at Newport, and are the subjectof official correspondence between Duke and varioushirelings), this healer was brought in to Duke Farmto take a look at them. But the healer wore out her

welcome when afarmhand found herbehind the barninjecting the dogs withpoison so that she couldthen "cure" them.

According to anex-lover, Duke fanciesthat she herself hasmiraculous healing

ship with the little people that typically amounts to aSERVANT PROBLEM (the Royal Family). Doris Duke, itbecomes clear in the course of interviews with 40acquaintances, past and present, and a dozen servants,embodies all five.

DEVELOP A CREDULOUS INTEREST IN THE SUPERNATURAL

Duke has a wide acquaintance with the world of faithhealers and ESP practitioners. Every Monday morninga servant buys her the National Enquirer, the Star -andother national tabloids at the nearest supermarket.Miss Duke scrutinizes these in the manner of millionsof Americans, but then she does what other tabloidreaders can only dream of doing: she phones thepsychics and healers and then flies them in to meetwith her.

One imported shaman produced a magic wand


powers; she haseven tried to cureFerdinand Marcos,apparentlyunsuccessfully.

ADOPT A CURIOUS

HEALTH.AND-DIETARY

REGIMEN

When not trying topurchase a spirituallife outright, theself-sequesteredmillionaire iswont to approachmatters of the spiritthrough bodily

oirig been pilot.d to o comfy nurturing, throughchoir by o beefy bodyguard (at left), physical supplementi ng.Duke wilti at last August's Newport Through cleansing.Jazz Festival. .

Duke is as anxious about herOWfl health as she is about that of her animals. Foryears she carried around with her a BOAC flight bagloaded with vitamins and other pills. And onelongtime servant, who refers to Duke as S'anexperimenter,' speaks of Duke's many injections: I

would get the supplies for her. . . . She was doing somesort of drugs - collagen, monkey brain extract,placenta. . . . Every once in a while she'd be flying, andshe wouldn't know my name."

As for food, the residence in NewJersey is a workingfarm whose cows supply dairy products for Dukewho, in turn, obliges her servants to eat these productsunpasteurized. She is also fond of beef testicles friedwith butter and shallots. 'I always got a kick orderinga couple sets of beef balls," says one servant.

Duke is concerned withthe outside of her body as well.The bath has to be just so."Shed make us go down Ontothe rocks and into the waterand come up with basketfulsof seaweed," says a longtimeNewport servant, 'which we'dhave to cart upto the bath-room and loadinto the bath-tub. Then wehad to hose inseawater. Itwas an incred-ible arrange-ment of hosesand pumps going in windows and down walls andacross lawns, over fences and down rocks into thesea, to get che seawater for her bathtub when shewanted it.

"Once," the servant says, 'J had the tub in herprivate bathroom filled with saltwater and seaweedall heated to 70 degrees with immersion heaters. I wason my hands and knees with a tropical fish tankstrainer, trying to get the shrimp and little fish thathad come along out of the tub.

"Miss Duke walks in and says, 'What are you doing?'and I said, 'I'm trying to get this wildlife out of thetub,' and she squeals, 'Oh, don't do that. Leave them.That's good for me."

GROW EXCEPTIONALLY ATTACHED TO MANY

NONHUMAN UFE FORMS

Come with us now to Rough Point, one of thelast of the huge old Newport cottages, whereDuke tends to spend her autumns. Come withus now to a glorious setting seemingly inhabitedby a bag lady ofmeans. Secluded from the roadby stone walls, and from the sea by stockadefences, the estate resembles a dormitory at aberterjesuit university. Huge television antennaecover the chimneys ofthe servants' wing. Alsatianguard dogsat least eight, perhaps elevenroam the grounds. Trashy pink plastic barrelsand buckets dot the lawn, especially near theyellow-and-white parry tent set up near thesolarium,

To completely befuddle the sightseer, thereare, one August morning, emerging from theparty tent, lumbering toward the French doorsof the mansion a few feet away, two massive double-humped camels, Princess and Baby, each about 12 feethigh, each wearing a pink muzzle. They are Duke'scurrent pets; her sole entertainment in the summer of1988 was a lawn fete in their honora camel coming-out party

Last winterDuke flew thetwo camels fromNewport to herhome in Hawaiiand had one ofher footmen listthem on ahealth-inspection

J

manifest as,z cattle, thus

ett, Duke ,urely b.n9 helpiuf exempting themto a hree in 1987; a&c»'e, from the 120-day quarantineber Newpo,t "Cottoge" (pet required ofhousehold animalsccimI, not viilbli). . ,shipped to the islands. This

angered some public officials (particularly given thatsome visitors to Hawaii are unable even to bring inSeeing Eye dogs), including Honolulu city councilmanNeil Abercrombie; he accused the state officials whohad allowed the camels to enter the state of "panderingto the weird obsession" of an "obscenely rich woman."

HAVE STORMY ROMANTiC ENTANGLEMENTS

Used to getting what they want when they want it,recluses often lack an ability to work out personaldomestic problems gracefully. In 1976, for instance,Duke threw out her Moroccan lover ofeight years,Leon Amar when she suspected that he was involvedin the disappearance of some jade objects from DukeFarm in New Jersey. She also threw over anotherintimate, pianistJoe Castrobut, to be fair, she did

overhear him one day alluding to the grandeur of

not yet totally redutive Duki

joined New Jerzey's Angelic Rough Point and actuallyChoit in 1971, announcing into the thin air

Someday this will all be mine."It is this habitual impermanence that makes it

especially difficult to reckon who will inherit Duke'sfortune. Chandi Hefner would be the logical heir, nowthat she has graduated from great and good friend todaughter. But then again, servants say that Heiner's

NOVEMBER 1989 SP't' 95

adoption followed a particularly noisy row last autumn a mixture of rumination and violent outbursts. Lain which Heiner threatened to leave unless Duke made maaided evenings, it seems, tend to end withher her daughter. This (and the fact that when a lover Duke declaiming wild, would-be-wise observations,threatened to leave once before, he met with a prompt conclusions, corollaries and dogmas on a variety ofaccidental death) gives the relationship a somewhat topics. Leon Amar recalls that one night at Roughmurky, perhaps transitory hue. Point, Duke suddenly bellowed, "Im not going to leave

a will. It won't mean a thing to me then. And rhey cankill themselves over the money." With that, a La ma

BEHAVE ERRATICALLY WITH THE SERVANTS bottle hit the wall.Bearing constant witness to the carryings-on of the When not cleaning up the mess from shatteredrecluse are, of course, the recluse's servants. Although sherry bottles, Duke's servants can sometimes bethe job affords one the opportunity to collect an found taking mild revenge on her. Although Duke

elaborate stockpile of col- insists on having yogurt

orful anecdotes that, when shipped in from her Newct

told later, will inspire both oUJersey farm, she is often

sympathy and prurient in- Mem°'90, secretly fed Dannon, And

terest, there is nevertheless although she requests

little glory in the work 'ct. bottled water with lunch,

while one is actually do- T'' she is frequently served

ing ir. And, one might '" 2t the notoriously smelly,

add, the Basia Johnson pondish Newport tapscenario is the exception water. Once, in Newport,

rather than the rule, I,ukp:i', she requested that a maple

Duke has a reported E%I,DtN " tree whose placement she

268 guards, caretakers « . ' didn't líkc be moved.

and other servants spread ,'Jimmy," she told a

throughouther fourhomes. «.','.-. I--. gardener, "I want you

True to archetype, she is to take that maple and

extraordinarily demand- give it a quarter turn toing of them, usually re- the left. Now, I'm going

quiring that they work on back to the Point andChristmas Day. One recur- nckr. ?AflM. . have my lunch. Move the

rent source of difficulty is tree and I think it'll be

Duke's ineptitude with :all fine." She left, and

mechanical objects. Once su'rncr Jimmy trimmed some

a servant found her bang- limbs rather than unearth

ing the rug with a vacuumytthN 1p r . and move the cree. "Oh,

cleaner, yelling, "This that looks marvelous,"

damn thing won't work"£1I Duke proclaimed on her

"That's how she thought return, and went off

you operated it," the ser- finding other things to

vant says. "She thought '"" "move."

you hit the rug with it." From Rhode island ro

Another time Duke in- . moit.r o Oahu, local workmen

sistedhaving already thrown a security guard out of communication kUlsknowi and merchants not on the

the room for his alleged incompetencethat an thate4fctiv.cemmondiorpthY Duke payroll arc reluctant to. 'employee who lived ten miles away rush to her house

ond thr,at.ning. .work for her, since she is a

to fix the reception on her TV set; he arrived shortly slow payer and is convinced that they are all crying

thereafter, only to find that what Duke was trying to steal from her (which may be true). But given

to watch was a pay-per-view cable show without the way that Duke harangues those who are on the

paying. payroll, perhaps it is us as well that they don't.One way insiders predict Duke's moods is by noting Upon being told by Duke's own physician that she

her beverage selection for the evening. "If she ordered was working too hard, Annie Snyder, a cook ata bottle of La ma sherry," says one, "we knew we were Duke Farm, was summarily fired and evicted from her

in for a rough night. But ifshe ordered champagne, Duke Farm apartment. And security man Jackwe knew the night would be fun," Duke's sherry McCarthy, who actually died while on the job in

evenings, sometimes spent in front of the television Newport, had his final paycheck recalled and refiguredsec (she is particularly fond of police shows and has precisely to the day and hour of his death. (It came

all 109 episodes of Charlie's Angels on videotape), are to $28.) )


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WtLThR MON}IEIT

Publisher and editor in chief

WiLLIAM ZECKENDORF »1..

Pub1shing dire«or

VICrOR NAVASKY

Executive editor

WALTER BERNARD

Art director

CHRISTOPHER CERF. BUCK HENRY

Senior editors

CLIFFORD IRVING

Chief of research

TOM WOLFE

Staff wriicr

ROBEWI GO1TLIEB

Copy editor

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Associate art director

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Contributing editors

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SPY, The Grcenwich ViIJaße M>ruh1y. ispublished ninrOr ttS cimes ¡year by Mort-heir Magazines. IP. S) 1964 by MonheicMagazines, LP Subsciptic.n: $2iXI a year.Please address all correspondence and sub-misSiOns (poetry okay) to Monheit Mgazincs. LP.. PO. Box 89, ViLlage Sut&on,New York, N.Y. 10014.

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I J flOt of the same gender), pack your jet-awaybags, and let's move on, shall we? After all,

the assassination report from Earl Warren's,r ¿3., . commission is out, things are heating up in

Vietnam (this year's Bay of Pigs? or next year'sKorea?), and a congressman from our very own

state (William, uh, Miller, from someplace northof the Village) may actually be vice president,

if Goldwater wins in November, If the other ticket wins, we maynot get to find out what a mushroom cloud really feels like afterall, but, well, we can enjoy Luci Baines and Lynda Bird frugging tothe hi-fi in the White House Blue Room past January. Plenty to

look forward to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.And by the way, whatever else The Beatles are, they aren't just

this year's Singing Nun. On the other hand, neither are they Dylan.If you ask us.

(Okay, they may be The Tokens, but we hope not.)So what about us? What are we? Why are we? Who needs another

new magazine, (two or more of) you ask, with Fact and Clyde barelynestled in the racks, and Show but three years old?

Well, SPY is something new (yeah, you say, yeah, yeah). Weanedori Lenny and Lehrer, spy is funny (we hope) and observant (andmore trenchantly so than were, say, Kitty Genovese's neighbors). SPY

is downtown, definitelyit's not a mag written for the little oldlady in her sunken living room on the Grand Concourse, or the30-minute lunchers in the Pan Am Building's new Zum-Zum wurst-bar, or the status-anxious suburbanites parking their shiny Corvairsin front of Tavern on the Green (a joint with food so aggressivelyordinary it will probably be around 25 years from now). No, SYwas horn of too many evenings of Pall Malls and espressos and

ï.T.:d

stingers at the Night Owl and Café Au Go Goplus that oneafternoon at Palisades when we swore we wouldn't get off the Cy.clone till we'd completed our business plan. l'hat's our worldsmall,

ÇA

yes, hut appropriately small, constructively small, World's-Fair-in',ine Flushing.ly small. Okay, large. In any case, you're welcome to it.

Best of all, readers, know that our fink-detector is alwayi switched' on: sure, SPY is hep, but it's suspicious of hep. As they probably still

say in Sinatraville.

And Cleopatra was a masterpiece. 2. ROYCOHNSFAIRYGODMOTHER Twice tisis year prosecutors had the goods onJoe MCarthys lsefhenchman. and twice he sIippei

2

But maybe Elliott Gould put it bestyou know, less-successful-actor-husband-of-former-cabaret-chariceuse-and-new-Broadway-star-Barbra-Streisarid Elliott Gould. That Elliott Gould. Alluding tohis distaff side, he observed, As conventional beatniks go, she'sdifferent-looking" Hey! That's us! Whatever it means!

We know this is our first, perhaps overexcited issue. We admitthat maybe, with cime, we'll find we're in the wrong business. Likemaybe we should be artists. Never mind that at a spring auction at

k'

;

!'Parke-Bernet, a De Kooning fetched only $9,000. Because up at theStable Gallery, the news is more encouraging. Pale Andy Warhol,who is not much older than most of us, was recently selling stacksof Brillo boxes fornow donc flip out.$300 apiece (at our localA&P we can get them for about $299.61 less, plus they're filledwith soap pads). So maybe our collection of soda-pop bottles, nicelyarranged and shrewdly price-tagged, will attract sufficient buyers to7-Up our thirst for funds away. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Man, we must be in the wrong business.And yet, even though we have never even come close to toppling

a government, sleeping with a defense minister or being photo.graphed wearing nothing but a chair, we somehow still know thatwe will be denied a career in movies. But Christine Keeler, whohas done all those things, thinks she has a shot. 'I'd like to gointo films," said the toothsome former Profumo love-bauble uponher release from "gaol" this past June. And Melvin Belli, briefly JackRuby's lawyer until he was fired, also thinks he's movie-star material.He will apparently star in his own documentary about the periodhe spent preparing Ruby's defense. "I got Belli naked in a steambath," said the flick's coproducer, Sam Gallu, presumably referringto nothing more unsavory than film footage, of which he has fourhours' worth. Well, we'll definitely be lining up for tickets. Yeah,

yeah, yeah.But for now, this is what we do for a living. We hope some of

you dig it. We want you to let us know what you think, and tosend us stories (poetry is okay) and manifestos and photographsand cartoons and ideas and comments and questions. Actually, we'llanticipate one of your questions about us: wherefore the name siY?

Well, there are those who will insist we got the name from DavidCornwell'ssorry, John le Carre'number one best-seller. Others willclaim we're copping a riff from good old Mad magazine. All wecan say is, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Walter MonheitPublisher and Editor in Chief

NAKED CITY

THE USUAL SUSPECTS

Robert Kennedy

Professional mantle-bearer ROBERT

KENNEDY never got along with VicePresidentJohnson, and once LBJ becameBobby's boss, you could cut the animos-ity with a Scripto. (We knowfilialloyalty is admirable, but if you're goingto insiston callingyourdead brother"thepresident" and the living president youhappen to work for "Johnson' well,maybe you should quit, and come co NewYork and carpetbag for a Senate seat.Dig?) The chilliness hit a low point thissummer at the official signing ofrhe CivilRights Act of 1964, an ostensibly happymoment ofoverarching historical importthat Bobby marked by moping in theback of the Oval Office. At one point,ROY REUTHER of the United Auto Work-ers grabbed Bobby and pushed himtowardJohnson, saying, "Mr. President,I know you have a pen for your attorneygeneral." LBJ blandly, coldly dumped afistful of pens on Bobby. Now it turnsout that at least one of the pens hasturned up in the hands ofone of Bobby'scivil-rights assistants, in a frame, bear-ing his inscription: "Pen used to signPresident Kennedy's civil rights bill."

j. Edgar Hoot'

Speaking of the sicker, the GreatSociety, that wasn't the sound of the

latest "Mod" hit coming out of the OvalOffice not long ago. Nope, LBJ was listen-ing to something even more raucous:a very unusual tape recording made ex-pressly for his pleasure by none otherthan chiefparanoid and William Fraw-ley look-alike J.EDG.ARHOOVER (who gener-ally prefers more manly entertainments)

h More prou: God rs dc,,d. 3. iI(EGLLFOTONKINRESOI ITON Its .,n uIy scene, Congress kowtow co a campaigning president 1oking to brush

NAKED CITY

THE firi3 PRIN?

SILVER LININGS Sure. Pres.

:dt,t Kennedy i aJJa$JiJaIiort

wo, a catadytmic iragedy ¡ha:ha ripped open a perbapi un.bra/able u'ound in :1,: nariGnal

psyche. Andya. Americans cha:u,., arc. Jouie nf ui haz'e fnundwai to UafllC sorne not iflC'fll

iderab!c dinero fr:ru the hor.rifying rvn: (ni' doubt a heal:hrejpona. a our shrinks would¡ay). (Sick. sick, sick FA.)

Pt iliihing lentureI hairpr.ncd par:kularl rewarding.Already there hit:': beenfive bes:.

sr/Ieri serving up reheated Kri.nedyana. ai well as several

. work: ¡ha: bavent quite crackedthe top ¡en. Dig our eslima:e5 of

tise co::age-irzdses:ry profiui'II,at )FKS death has madeposiible

Four Days. written by theeditori of- UP! and AmericanHeritage and published by S:mon 6 Schotter has sold 2.5mil/ion iopiei at $2.95 each.That works ou: to a $272,875windfalifor the publishers andan S885.000 take Ji, thea.vthe.rs. though itj oso! c/earhou' ¡he roal:iei were spiitamong :h poor u're:ches who ac

¡cal/y pis! ¡/.Pe book together.

A Duy in the Life of Prcsi

dcnt Kennedy. written by Jim.

Biohop. pse/sus/sed by Raudo»,

House. ha, ¡oid I40.00() copies

at $395 a cop). thus earningUn/sop. the aging ¡jack.$66.360 and 1,1, publishers$20.461.

The John F. Kennedys.

ursla'en by Mark Shaw. pa6.lished by Farrar. Strani ¿t

Giroux. bas sold 9 7.000 coptes

a $7. 50 apiece. Shun's takeu:orki our to $87.300. the pu/s.lithcri ¡o $26917.50.

America the Bcautiful. in(continued)

. Hou the ta/culations u'eremade: accordi»g to Publish.ers' Weekly, ata/son make

¡2 cents on every dollar f rtea

sales. while publishers earn3. 7 cents.

and fcacuring che vocal talents of a PHIL

ADELPHIAPARTYGIRL and a certain marriedNO8EL PRIZEWINNING CIVIL.RIGHTS LEADER.

But you didnt read that here, Clydc.

,.,1

¡?v.j' (.nt;',

Evil. unconvicted perjurer ROY COHN

was consulting with a client notlong after his own recent trials. Howmuch, the client wanted to know, wouldCohn's fee come to? The lawyer said$10,000, then rubbed his 6ngers togetherto suggest that a portion of the moneywould go toward bribing a judgc. Afterche client left. seemingly satisfied, acolleague took Cohn aside. Roy, rhc long.suffering colleague implored, itr a no-lose case. You do:zi have to resort to thatkind ofititif To which the bullet-headedStork Club habitué replied, You think Idont f---ing knott.' that? The point i!. theguy wants to think his getting his tiofley'su'orth. And what he /onl know won'thitri hi,tz. )

THE DOROTHY KILGALLENTOTE BOARD

!"'ote: Dorothy Kl/gallen was on vacation d,iring

pari ofoi r lauy period. Taking ¡ser pleue duringthat period u'ij 'internationallyfarnous Jiciger

Jane Morgan.

Borry Goldwater ........................................ i 1

TheBeatles.................................................7

Frank Sinatra ............................................... 5

FidelCastro................................................. 4Liz and Dick ................................................ 3

Cyd Charisse............................................... 2

Cassius Clay................................................ 2

Communists ................................................. 2

Robert Goulet..............................................2AbbeLane................................................... 2

Ingemar Johansson .................................... 1TriniLopez................................................... i

The New Christy Minstrels ........................ 1

Mamie Van Doren ....................................... i

POEM:

SOMEONES CRYING, LORD

Who arc you reallyMr. Plastic Corfam Mr. Madison Avenue Zum Zum

wurstbar man1

If I had a hammerI'd wake you up.

r., s'llMtNs; ._, io

,. OltilWi am.rir..

.Lti COINCIDENCE? OR...'

Lineo/pi os. JFK: A Funny Cesc:iparaiive Chart

Faim Roien/;erg

ABRAHAM LINCOLN F. KENNEDYJOHN

Last name contains 7 letters Last name contains 7ktersWas elected in ¡860 Was elected in 1960Had a vice president named Johnson Had a vice president named Johnson

7 letters 7 lettersJ ohnson contains Johnson contaius

Was shot in a theater by an assassin Was shot from a warehouse by an assas-who ran to a warehouse sin who ran to a theater

Was advised by his secretary. named Was advised by his secretary, namedKennedy, not ro go to the theater Lincoln. noi ro go to DallasWas married to a high-strung woman Was married to a string.bcan womanHad a beard Used beards"Four score and seven years ago" Seven scores in four days )

Ir his rt'dcntia1s wich che hi'mhchm'hsckto.che'Scone.Age sec. 4. HFATLEMANIA MAMA. Yes. theyre a good o,nI'o nd we lake their si'ngs. Bu girls. ¡leatc! AuJ

NAKED LUNCHCOUNTERA Civil-Rights Restauran: Rez'ieu'

.

What

does the Negro want?" That's the queition the pundits and newsweeklies were askingall sitnirner long. We think we have a general idea. But in order to formulate a precise

a,jswer, we dispatchedour southern correspondent to the Monson Motor Lodge restaurant in St. Augustine,Florida - where Martin Luther KingJr. and bis aide Ralph Abernathy, among others, were refusedjervice and arrested during a June sit-in. Our man's report on what the Negroes missed:

Todays blue plate special is friedchicken, mashed potatoes and a choiceof turnip greens or creamed corn, allfor 5O. The meal begins promisinglyenough, with a dazzlingly sweet iced teaand a wink from the sassy waitress (Is thiswilting flower of white southern womanhooda part of the solution or a part of the prob-len,?, I wonder idly), but the chicken it-self is greasy, overfried and encased in apro forma batter tasting largely of corn-starcha sodden, one-note symphony. A

'I

wandering fork provides no respite: thelong-in-the-tooth potatoes, laced withnubbins ofclustered unmixed insta-flakes,evidently owe their unfortunate life toBetty Crocker. As for the greens, they are,well, green the sole sensory observationit seems incumbent on me to make. Whatthe Negro wants is one thing. What hewill get at southern lunch counters, I

infer as I pay the bill and leave, is dys-pepsia.

PRIVATE LIVES OF PUBLIC ENEMIES

White House aide Jack Valenti assists President Johnson with some highlyfensitii.ie business.

John Kennedy Toole

)"

4w

air

THESPYLIST

Lord Buckley

James Coburn

John Coltrone

Adelle Davis

Cary Grant

Aldous Huxley

Christopher Isherwood

John F. Kennedy

Ken Kesey

Arthur Koestler

Robert Lowell

Clare Boothe Luce

Henry Luce

Anais Nm

André Prevmn

THE fine PRINt

the wordi offohn F. Kennedy,compi/edhy the editor: ofCoun-

cry Beautiful magazine, pnb-lisbed by Dotebleday. hai sold70,250 copie, at $4.95 rath,earning those hardworking girls

$41. 728.50, and $12,866.29for Doubleday.

Additionally, the 'HarperMemorial Edition" of Profilesin Courage.pub/isbedby Harp.er 6 Row, sold almost 93.000copies at $12.50 each. Thus the

rather ancient opus earnedanother, entirely unexpected$43.012.Søorsofortbepieblisb.ers, and roughly another$139,500 that the Kennedy es-tate u'ould presumably bavebeen happy to do without (andthat TedSorensen could probably

use). Also, excerpts from theWarren Commission report bave

juil been published by Double-day andMcGraw-Hill (Oswalddidit oops! ); sales ofrbe bookare expected to fall in the50,000-ta-75.000 range.

(Unfortienately. figures areunavailable for A Tribute toJohn F. Kennedy. edited byPierreSalinger.publishedby En-cyclopedia Britannica andAtheneu,n; andBillAdler's TheKennedy Wit. published byCitadel Preis.)

Along with tangible profits,many people's careers havereceived boosts thanks io Os-wald's marksmanship. The bru-

lianiperformance ofTom Wicker

ofThe Ncw York Times, writ-ing from Dallai for theneu'spaper of recordunderwhat was obviously incredible

pressure - so impressedhis bosses

thai he ii now the Washingtonbureau chief (see The Times,page 7). Similarly. Dan Rather.CBS's slightly wiggy Dallai correspondent, seems to bave caught

the fancy of bis superiors. Hemay end up u'itb a plumuty for-eign assignment, perhaps Vie:-

siam. Ofcourse, the biggest pro-

motion, along with a $5 7,000raise in pay, wen: to LB).

(continued)

we have to put up with che imitators, all those Dreamers and Pacemakers and Rolling Stones and other flashes in the pan? 5. TNATWORLDSMIROUTINFLUSHINC.

5

NAKED C ITY

THE SPY TRIP TIP:

VI ETNAM

THE fine PRIN1 DontbelicvcwhatYouvcheard about the 'sickman of Indochina." Because

MOSES VS. THE RED SEA, thrills and surprises arcTAKE 2 Yo&r thought ii wai

what you're after, South Viet-crowded, W( though: i: wa.

crowdd. and ¡boje throng, of nam is the place to be. In theIourijtj who clogged the Flush- past several years Saigoning train all jummer thought it alone has offered the adven-wat crowded, too. Bu: whenQ ueeni-based, long-fingered vsoI

turous tourist such attrac-garlan Robert Moies and his tiOflS as political turmoil,lackeys wentotertheattendance guerrilla war, martial law, as-figoiresfor the Worldj Fair lait sassinations and, of course,month. they discovered that

the world-famous seil-im mo-the Flushing ultra.ssiptr-ex:ra-vaganza wasn't nearly crowded lating Buddhist monks.enoughes'enu'ithoutthemorch- But the Vietnam adven-threatened civil-rights itall- turc doesn't stop there. Takein.' ,%fose, f green eyejbades

figured that to meet the Fairs an inexp ensive ride north$300,000.a-day expenses, plus aboard a real-live B-52-30earn back the $30 million that secondi over a couple o/rice pad-was spent before the gates were dies and o wafer buffalo! infl'en opened, plus the $24 mil-

order to view the fascinatinglion loan from the city,. an ater-

age of 220,000 people a da changes the landscape hasneedid to come to the Fa:r. undergone in just the past

Accordingtosoerccs.howet'er. few months. Then, at day'sthere wai not cien one da when end, throw hack a few beers220.000 people came, and on/p

rarely dida, many al 200,000 With the local Amcrican "ad-pais through the turnstiles. Of visers" and see if you can tellcourse, this has been kept a big which of the fricndly nativessecret et'en, for a long time.

aren't really our friends.f rom :'i1oses himself lt seems ihat

the great builder has so bullied This is a virtually undishis terrifiedunderlings that they covered part of the world,hada hardt:me mustering the and that's what makes it sognu to apprise him of the grins

But increasingattendance figures. Eiser the exciting. as

showman, Moies has nonetheless numbers of Americans getmarshaled hei platoon ofpress acquainted with this time-agents(wbohavebeenpaidmóre less paradise, we suspectthan $2. 5 millionfor their uork

Vietnam will become moreon the Fair thus far) to tellanother sto,'). According ro the exciting still.flacks, the Fair has shown a Barney Gould$12. 7 million profit so far. Buta friend ofours in the corn ptrol.

1ers office credits that to account- Vietnam is 10,000 miles from¡ng tricks. The real balance. he ¡%lanhattan. To get :htre. risi:ia)s, is closer to a $14 mïllion

the Army recruitment center indeficit, making ereryone ai CityHall wonder u'hat exactly Truies Square and then usaiti%Iojes - still our humble parks around Fort Dix until Presidentcommissioner, rememberhas Johnson increases U.S. grounddone to deserte the $IOO,000-a-

troopssomettme afterthis month'syear salary his getting for hisefforts. ) election. )

EVER SEEN THEM IN THE SAMEROOM TOGETHER?

BARBRA STREISAND AND A THEBAN WOMAN'

rw - -L_'/_ $- .-

,

TED KENNEDY AND

A BEATLE AND

JERRY MATHERS?

. MOE'

TREND SPOTTER'S TEXTBOOK

I' 1sfesirhly Case Study

"Neuroses ore the thing nowodoysyou've got to hove problemsmon."Steve McQueen, quoted in Newsweek, January

"In the New Sentimentality, those of us under analysis are sentimen

tal about our neuroses. . . . We tell new friends about [our probtemslso they'll know they are in the company of people os hung upasthey are."Esquire, July

"The New Humor needs . . . psychological reasoning. lt used to be'Hoy mon, who was that chick I saw you with last night?' '1h01was no chick, that was my wife.' Today, it's got to be: 'Hey moo,who was that chick I saw you with last night?' 'That was no chck,that was my brother. He's got problems.' "Dick Gregory, quotedin Show, November )

One more reason o stay away from Queens. 6. THE SlPGiNG NUr'i. Imagine crying to get romforrabte with a membcr of she opposite sex in che back o( your (

6

Gone, Gìne, Gone: The Tirness two newest executivesarc a not untalented pair, but in their first year in

othce both the soft, anxious Arthur O. 'Punch" Sulzbcrger,Boy Publisher, and the friendless Abe Rosenthal, thepapers city editor, have demonstrated an unbecomingaftinity for hirelings willing to toady, and a tendency topunish if not outright can - those who aren't.

Young Punch is neat and cold, and prefers to settle accounts with one ruthless swipe. When he decided thatOvear-old Sunday editor Lester Markelwho startedc the paper when Punchs grandfather Adolph Ochs ran

thingswas no longer needed, Punch called Markel inand coldcocked him. Lester, he said, we've-decided-that.from.nou;-on.therec-only.going-to-be-one-editor- no. more- Sunday-editor-

:hanks-for.coming. u'here-should- we-send-your-check? O r words

(o that effect. Sure, Sulzberger gave poor old Lester aphony job running the paper's department of publicaffairs, but that was like putting a flower on a corpse.Since then, Punch has methodically put his own team inpiace, installing the overdapper Mr. Margaret TrumanClifton Daniel to his friends) as managing editor androm Wicker as Washington bureau chief, and bringingScotty Reston up from D.C. to New York, where he willenjoy the holding-pattern title of associate editor whilehe waits for wheezy executive editor Turner Catledge toreti re.

The Wicker appointment was the most bruising, office-politics-wise; his good news means bad news for fellowaspirants Anthony Lewis and Max Frankel, whose hereto-tore swiftish progress is now stalled. Frankel, particularly,was crushed to the point of going Borneo. Two days after

Wicker's appointment, Frankel rashly resigned to take ajob at the earnest Reporter Magazine, sending Punch a longand nearly tearstained letter of farewell. Then, almost assoon as he'd sent the letter, he changed his mind and re-scinded the resignation, apparently convinced that bum-kissing patience will pay off in the long run.

Rosenthal (who has his own ideas about who should sitin Catledge's chair) is mean and messy. Prevented by guildrules from summarily dismissing a subordinate, Rosenthalshows an appetite for prolonged sieges that grind down anadversary. His favorite tack is to dump-by-reassignment:a veteran rewrite man gets night duty in a Staten Islandpolice station, a tenured reporter is assigned to regurgitatepress releases from goo-goo groups. Even his favored ladsare wary ofthe bullying Abe. One newcomer Abe nominatedfor a Pulitzer found himselfsharing a drink with Rosenthal,who quickly became loose-lipped and began calling someofthe nominally respected journalists he inherited "punksand twerps." Needless to say, this chat did little to instilla sense of security in the youngster.

Meanwhile, the blue-noses at the Tirnej Book Review haveannounced that they will refuse to accept ads for SPY con-tributing editor Terry Southern's swinging new novel Candy(co-written with Mason Hoffenberg), having deemed itsmutty. Not that this will be likely to hurt sales especiallynow that Hayley Mills has expressed interest in playing theheroine. Nevertheless, in the spirit ofpetty retribution, spyhereby announces it will refuse to accept any ads for theBook Review. Ever. And don't try twisting our arms, okay?(But if you must, dial ME 3-6550 and ask for Edie)

-J. J. Hunsecker

LAUGHTER AND ESPERANTOTHE INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGES

spy ivi/i be proud to devote this space each month to our continuing Jokes for Peace campaign.

I::71./PF 2!i L14no(0.

J_tI/ 1jI I__f::«eli, yóai imaginc that; ue prefer a wcII-worn davenpoW. and all that comes over the radio sa Domanecka, ,tecka, ,,eck. 7. Ai,O, Extremism in deícnsc oflihertv is

7

SPY Goes on a Date Withi

WHITE HOUSE TEEN PRINCESS LUCI BAINES JOHNSON

e ;ent teenaged scty-fourd-ha1f-inch-hih SPY cub porter L E3SflG'down to Washington, D.C., for an evening with Aîrica's First Teen. Here's his prsona1account, straight from the cutting edge of the new generation:

Reverie: The friendly Lone Star State figure. The perfectly teasedflip, falling like French curves on either side of her bead. Thebright-eyedface that defiantly says, Yes, I'm LBJs daughter,but I wont shatter any mirrors.

But enough with the poetry already - l've got a date. Me.Boy/rem Philly - out on the town with Luci BainesJobnson. ...

2,A GIRL :ts A GIRL

Is A GIRL - even whenshe's the president's

daughter! Luci keeps mewaiting while she primps.

'Don't worry, Miss Johnson,I'm used to it," I say

slyly, letting her know I'vebeen around.

:

1,"HI, Y'ALLWELOO TO THEVHUE HOUSE L"Luci heaves a forearminto the air and gives me abig Texas greeting as Iarrive to pick her up.

:2ìf-:

3 AND AWAY WE GO Z of we speed in Lud's

limousine. My opening ganbit: "Funny - our namesboth start with L." She stares at me. My failback:'So who's your favorite Beatle?"

14. STRICTLY FRO SUARESVILLE : Luci

(lfl/ i enjoy some ch'an fun which seems like the onlykind offun you can have with a phalanx of SecretService chaperons. Just for a gas, Luci wears a banneradvertising her favorite snack food company! Crazy!

no vice? Wha? 8. MUSTANG HOOPLA. We like sporty cars as much as anyone. but che cover of Time? And whar do we cate about this lacocca upstart? (Yeah. we know:

8

"OH RAWRAW HAWi"Luci laughs at oneof my patented

sick-ha mor

jokes. I think shelikes ne.

6.

"FEED ME

P'ILuci commands

ud/y. In Texas, iguess, they flirt

big too.

7.

I LIKE THE LOOKS OF THIS :

1% surprise birthday cake and Luci puckers upto blow out tI,e candles. Are you thinking

what I'm thinking?

e.LUCI WATUSIS ¡Or is it the frug? Wire at some

far-out Washington discotheque that Luci knou's about, and iguess i must bave two left feet because the photographer cut

me out of all the pictures. Cripes.

::::TT.---

9."WHY DON'T YOU ro

GET SO}AE PUNCH

OR SOMETHING?"Ob no! Just when the

band and Luci really getgoing movie star

Steve McQueen cuts in!

lo.BACK IN THEBATTER'S BOXIMcQueen is long gone, and

fi nallya slow dance (Lucinever suspects my elevator

shoes)! My right hand straysnetherwards. ...

_:..

.

' .

.,:'

.:: T LL BET HUGH HEFNER DIDN 'T START LIKE THIS

:::cOur date was over as soon as the Secret Service man let me out of the choke bold. '

_4 '3 A/I i have left are memories and this dreamy souvenir White Houser k photo. Don't ask. A gentleman never tells. But I will tell you this: i'd drink Lacis

' ..-, .

:1' batbwater any day if shed let me! )-4

rhymes with Trv-a-Cokc-uh) 9. KILLERCHEESEJUSC when wed learnedco scop worrying nd love the Bomb, ch_cy go and give che Nobel Prize for medccine chis

, ., ..

...v,.I . :

-feod to h&e: ThomasHaving strkes a familiar

Successniks pose

Halston shows how he flipsthose lids

Yoko Ono contemplatesthe greasy paie

BY BUDDY SORRELL

MEET THE SUCCESSNIKS

Remember the Tony Curtis flick Sweet Smell

ofSuccess? There's a scene in which SidneyFalco, the shameless press agent played byCurtis, stands basking in the approbationofhis fellow flacks. They have been toastinghis deceitfully acquired new status, andwhen they demand a speech, Falco describessuccess as the heady perfume the city showers upon its winners.

Sweet, alright.Today a number ofyoung men - and, yes,

girls tooare catching their first whiffs ofFalco's perfume. Their names are uniformlyunfamiliar, but they share a common hun-ger. While many oftheir contemporaries arestill moving to the soporific strains of'TheTheme from A Summer Place," these juniorachievers are twisting and shouting downthe career path, doing the establishmentversion ofthe hipsters electric bebop burn.They're swinging, and they're swinginghard, but they're always sure to keep theireyes ori that dangling solid-gold carrot.

Call them the Successniks. They begintheir days with Royal Canadian Air Forceexercises, dress in ready-to-wear drip-drysuits, knock back a Metrecal, then jet offto work. And while evening finds their gray-flanneled elders shuffling onto the 5:43 toRye, the Successniks are popping their firstpep pills ofthe night because success doesn'tsleep, so why should they? They know that,in 1964, playing the button-down Organiza-tion Man the way their big brothers did justwon't get them where they want to go-go.

And man, they want ro go-go bad.This generation is reordering the way

New York worksand plays. No FatherKnows Best for this crowd: give 'ema bachelorpad next to a Third Avenue stew zoo, andpreferably a girlfriend who flies for SAS(thats the Swede smell of success and wehear it's true what they say). (SheeshEd.)

But don'tget the Successniks wrong. They

know that Falco's perfume sometimes smellsat first like the funk associated with workingclosely behind (or below) their superiors,but they don't care. They know ethical scru-pies are for L7's, and that only a maroonrefuses to use his social life as a means ofadvancement. That's their code. Say whatyou will about this "In" crowd, but you bet-ter say it now, for someday the Successnikswill run New York.

Meet WILLIAMSAFIRE, a real-life Falco andvery much the model ofthe new breed, Heis a self-professed flack with a gift for lan-guage, who when not glad-handing abouttown can be found working for Republi-cans. This 34-year-old's greatest coup todate came in 1959, when he corralled DickNixon and Nikita the K in front ofa modelkitchen at the American National Exhibí-tion in Moscow, Needless to say. the news-reel cameras were rolling for the ensuing"kitchen debate" and the appliances on dis.play belonged to one ofSafire's accounts atthe McCrary public-relations agency.Shrewd City all the way. As a result, Safiretoday numbers the former vice presidentand current Pepsi-Cola attorney amonghis closest friends. If anyone can burnishNixon's Checkered past, it's this Mach 2publicist.

Safire is a sort ofpooh-bah for his fellowSuccessniks. He presides over a gang ofhard-charging guys and girls called theWednesday Ten, self-anointed movers andshakers of the future who meet once amonth at the Howard Chandler ChristyRoom of the Sherry Netherland and shootthe bull over surf and turf. Some of hisfellow Wednesday Ten men to watch areGEORGELANG, an assistant banquet managerat the Waldorf; MORTON JANKLOW, . a skinny-necked corporate lawyer and husband ofMervyn LeRoy's daughter Linda; JOHN DIE

BOLD, an engaging quiz kid with a flair

year for the discovery o('chofesterol'which mea,,s we now know Iit anybody who eau sour cream or bacon or fried chïckn is probably killinghimscl(. What

roday they're cking bootstomorrow New York's

iunior rat finks wiH run the city.Their advice:

Hit the toady, Jock

for automation; and TOM MORGAN, a giftedwriter for Esquire whom Safire constantlybugs about grammatical lapses.

Yet if Safire is Successnik #1, REPRESENTA.

lIVE JOHN LrNDSAY iS theìr patron saint, ahometown JFK for a Gotham Camelot inthe making. Indeed, as a Lindsay mayoralcandidacy seems increasingly plausible, theSuccessniks are streaming out ofthe wood-work. Take THOMAS HOVNG, a 33-year-old,equally tall, equally upper-crust protégé ofLmndsays, who sources say is preparing aposition paper for his man on how to en-liven Central Park. Although currently alowly assistant curator at the MetropolitanMuseums uptown outpost, the Cloisters,Hoving clearly aspires to positions moregrand than a medieval curators post. Getthis: a Lindsay in Gracie Mansion wouldundoubtedly mean a Hoving as commis-sioner of the Parks Department, and assuch, Hoving would be the Mets landlord.in the event that the Mets honchos some-day wish to extend their galleries intoCentral Park, they might end up having tocourt the favor of a former flunky.

Sweet, alright. Shrewd City all the way.It may seem that Hovirig is leaving a

lot to chance, but luck is the Successniks'steady escort. Consider 32-year-old ROY

HALSTON FROWICK, who as a boy dreamedof dressing America rather than playingcenter field for the Yankees (or even theDodgers). Alter dropping out of the Chi-cago Art Institute, Frowick, now knownonly by his design moniker, Haiston, con-vinced Fran Allison better known asthe nonfelt member of Kukla, Fran and011ieto wear one of his hats.

By the time he was 27, Halston was over-seeing BergdorfGoodman's entire custom-millinery department. Hedda Hopper, KimNovak, Deborah Kerr and Shirley "Hazel"Booth have all worn his lids, But his big

cxt? Diet ioda pop? Sex 10. RUNNING MATES. Who the -

i

break came during thelast three years:it was his pink pilibox that went tothe White House and rode into hisStoryand every magazine and news-paper in the country! atop Jackie'slacquered head. With his own exclu-sive label maybe in the offing at Berg-dorf's, the kid from Des Moines isfashion's number-one junior achiever.

The social whirl frequently snapsthe Successnik into a position of ad-vantage. YOKO ONO, a cool drink ofwater, dropped out of Sarah Law-fence tO elope with the talentedyoung concert pianist Toshi Ichi-yanagi. lt looked to people in theknow as if Yoko was simply usingher first husband as an entrée toavant-garde circles, where she hasaspirations as an artist. Throughlchiyanagi, this daughter of aJ apanese financier met composersJ ohn Cage and La Monte Young,then gave her husband the boot andtook up with filmmaker Tony Cox.

During the past few years theparties in her downtown loft- that'sright, she lives in one of those oldwarehouse buildings - have attractedthe attention ofJasperJohns, PeggyGuggenheim, Robert Rauschenbergand Max Ernst. But alas, unim-pressed critics still ignore herwigged-out art. As Cox's careercools, friends wonder which new at-tist or filmmaker or musician Onowill trade up for in her quest for con-nections and credibility.

The publishing world boasts itsfair share ofaggressive females whoknow that nothing succeeds likeslavish devotion to work. Two ex-tremely sexy singlegirls have alreadydistinguished themselves at theirrespective periodicals. At the Jour-nal-American, a cute and curvy Texanis coming into her own. As gal Fri.day and leg girl for Igor Cassini'sCholly Knickerbocker column, theflaxen-haired worker bee LIZ SMITH

has little use for dates because she'sfallen hard for aguy named Mr. Time-Consuming No-Stones-UnturnedReporting. Sorry,, ¡ellas. With workhabits like hers, dont expect this LoneStar dynamo to stay put.

J ust a few blocks away at iMcCall's,the book editor's assistant, JONI GOLD-

FINGER, is more than just a Yardley-lipped James Bond playmate. Inher first year on the job, she hasbeen establishing calculated friend.ships with writers at a rate thatwould make Eve Harringtori blush.Socially, youngJoni has been spottedabout twn with many a handsomefellow'Hello, is this BUtterfield8?"but well-connected Dick Evans,a nephew ofNew Yorker poetry editorHoward Moss, is rumored to be herfavorite of the moment. John MackCarter, McCall's editor, describes his

wunderkinderella: "She reminds meof those old hood ornaments on thosesleek Mercury and Zephyr cars. Herhaircut,herbody, she's built for speed."

Built for speed that's the Mus-tang-sharp Successnik style. And yet,in their Sanforized hearts, manyyoung masters of the career au go-gono doubt fear they may yet become theWilly Lomans ofthe Celanese genera-tion. Never fear, little men. Somedayyou'll have your places in the sunand maybe even your Scarsdale Co-lonja!- but until then, keep your feeton the ground and your noses firmlypressed to the, uh . . . stars. )

TRE BEGINNING OF THE END

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Crow&er fliesTHE CRITIC CRIT!C

by Charles Be/knap-Jackson

lt's a pity Time reviews go unsigned.What self-respecting critic wouldn'twant to stand up and claim credit forthe alliterative tour de force thatrecentlymasqueradedhumbly, anony-rnously, as an art review of the Met-ropolitan Museum ofArt's new court-

. yard? 'Peripatetic Patio' readthe headline. The text itself in-cluded such felicitous phrasesas "carved and colonnaded,""proud possession, "man ofmagnificence," "Gothic gar-goyles," "overall order," "foliageand fruits" and "final fillip'

May we try? 'Plastic writ-ing." "Hackneyed prose."

. Hmrnmmmm. . .can't seem to.

get the alliterative hang of it.Guess that's why we're writingfor this rag.

At The New York Timeswhere, by the way, they get paid

' incashmoneyinsteadofindin-ners at The Lion's Headthe

f- Book Review recently and un-s fathomably devoted an entire

front page, and then some, toan evaluation of two collections ofEugene O'Neill's detritus. ReviewerArthur Gelb's fiat, schoolmarmishreminder that O'Neill was "this coun-try's greatest dramatist" is an uncon-vincing justificationand were noteven considering the fact that Gelbneglected to mention either EdwardAlbee or Murray Schisgal. More per-suasive is the likelìhood that all theattention won't hurt sales ofrhe recentO'Neill bio, penned by none otherthan deputy metropolitan editorArthur Gelb and his wife, Barbara.Did we say unfathomable? Well, togive the Book Review its due, maybe

i,eII ic WdIaam Miller? And Hubert Humphrry - didnt hc ust'd co have a bkbiie 11. ,iz r',t oic. i&ppv AN iwci,y. ERNEST ANt) ETHEL, BCThRY ANt) LYNDON. And

12

its just trying to keep pace with thetwen ties.

The Times's film critics are at leaststruggling to keep up with the sixties,and hoary, onomatopoeic BosleyCrowther is coming along nicely. Ear.lier this year, ifyou recall, he actuallyliked Dr. Strangelove (Co-written by SPY

ontribuiing editor Terry Southern! -but he seemed surprised that he did,calling the film "the most shatteringsick joke l've ever come across. AndI say that with full recollection of someofthe grim ones l've heard from MortSahi, some of the cartoons Ive seenby Charles Addams and some of thestuff I've read in Mad magazine."

Charles Addams? Mad?the manis definitely making an effort. Andthis summer he had the grudgingpresence ofmind, ifnot much wit, tolabel A Hard Day's Night "a whale ofa comedy:' Again, though, he hedgedhis bets: "Sure, the frequent andbrazen 'yah-yah-yahing' of che fellowswhen they break into song may begrat-ing. To ears not tuned to it, it has

tCBS'I'HE WEBS

by Roy Hinkley

Something distracted vaingloriousCBS despot Bill Paley from his bliss-ful job of counting the millions ofdollars the network keeps suckingin thanks to its hayseed comedies(which continue to keep the greatunwashed in stitches). That something was his news division, andPaley was alarmed by what he saw:NBCs Huncley-Brinkley continue todominate the prestigious.though-not-cerribly.lucrative evening-news slot,and nobody seemed capable of doinganything about it, not Paley's flat.topped news announcer Walter Cron-kite and not Fred Friendly, thepious, insecure head of CBS News.Paley stewed while Friendly stam-mered his excuses We go on at 6:30,

moronic monotony." Still, not bad forageezer unused to moronic monotony.And with wordsmithing like that,Bos-o could always get a job reviewingpristine patios for Time, if the GrayLady ever wearies of his growlings.

His colleague Howard Thompsonalso has reservations about the Liverpudlian "fellows." And yet, like a 12.year-old girl (or an aging Nance), heis obsessed with them. ReviewingDoctor In Dijtress, the latest in DirkBogarde's "Doctor in the House" se-ries, he wrote, "Well, they're back - inanother bundle from Britain. No, notthe Beatles - the Doctors." Anotherreview began this way: "Comparedwith the Beatles, Elvis Presley soundslike Caruso in 'Fun in Acapulco'...and he certainly looks becter

Howard, you old hound dog!But Thompson's pith and humor

usually serve him well, and lithe Timesever needs a thumbnail film critic for,say, its television section, he's theman.

Next month: Nuts on Camp. )

they go on at 7:00. Gosh, people are stilleating when we're on. I mean, who canblame them for not wanting to watchsome Freedom Rider getting firehosed asthey chew their Salisbury steak?

Thus, when the network's terribleratings for its coverage of last sum-mer's Republican convention cameinat one point Huntley.Brinkleyhad 86 percent of the audience

for NBCPaley went headhunting.Whose did he collect? Not Friendly's,but that ofCronkite, another Murrowprotégé, who, Paley concluded, talked

too much duringthe coverage. He orderedCronkite replaced for CBS's Demo-cratic convention coverage: Of! Off!

Like, now! lt was a pitiful reward forWally, who did such a commendablejob on that Friday afternoon lastNovember when Harry Reasoner wasout at Lindy's and Cronkite had toleave the cottage cheese and cannedpineapple he was eating at his deskand rush to the studio and tell theworld that from now on the WhiteHouse would be strictly LBJsville.

Paley ordered Cronkite and histhick black specs as far away fromAtlantic City as possible for August'sDemocratic convention, replacing himwith the would-be Huntley-Brinkleycombo of veteran utility announcerand Murrow protégé Robert Troutand the young Roger Muddmakethat, in networkese, Mudd-Trout

(which sounds uncomfortably likesomething that would as soon bebottom-feeding as filling up airtime).Friendly, who likes to think of him-self as a staunch defender of the in.tegrity of the news (and who still in-yokes the name of former journalistEd Murrow), warned Paley that Cron-kite would quit ifdemoted; Paley, al-ways gracious, replied, "Good, I hopehe does:'

But Cronkite played the organiza-tion man and took the fall quietly (onthe other hand, what choice did hehave? Go to work for ABC - the make-believe network, theJonny Quest net-work?). Not that Cronkite is a corn-plete bend-overnik: he put his footdown at posing by a TV set for a corn-mercial that was to say, "Even WalterCronkite Listens to Mudd-Trout." Asmy colleague Richard Ingrams wouldsay, not very bloody likely.

It turned out, of course, that no onewatched Mudd-Trout. And sureenough: sources say Cronkite will beback at the anchor's desk for electionnight's looming landslide. Paley,meanwhile, is said to be desperate toget the fish stink off his fingers. J

you thought Peyioi PIa, was lurid 12. TIlE WORLD BOXING ASSOCIATION Lcts sec ii we gtc chis: Cassius Clay excuse us, Cassius X. Clay - has to gIe up his crown

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Ti-lE S'1'AGI

by Jedediab Leland

What with Tonys and Time covers,Barbra Streisand has cast such a longshadow from the Funny Girl catbirdseat at the Winter Garden that inorder to get a break, Broadway'sother young starlets have resorted tobreaking hearts, breaking contractsor simply having breakdowns to re-main in the limelight. Carol Burnettand Elizabeth Ashley crumbled whenthe chips were down, but whispersaround the Way are that Liza Min.nelli (the rather too elfin spawn ofJ udy Garland and director VincenteMinnelli) may become the new bossgal when her show Flora, the RedMenace opens next spring.

Gangly girl-next-door Carol Bur-nett spent last month racing betweentapings of her CBS variety show, TheEntertainers (which trails The AddamsFamily in the ratings), and FadeOut-Fade In, the Comden-Green-Styne musical comedy at the MarkHellinger. With all this activity itwould seem a banner year for Carol,who just last year married producerJ oe Hamilton (her boss on the defunctGarry Moore Show, who left his wife of15 years). But whether it was her newbaby (born to the newlyweds after justseven months of marriage), the TVshow or the Comden-Green-Styneflop, the new Mrs. Hamilton checkedinto Lenox Hill Hospital complainingofneck pains. She remains in traction,and py has learned that Carol will

be willing to pay up to an extraor-dinary $500,000 in order to shake offher Fade Out-Fade In contract. A toughspill for thegal who once turned downthe lead in Funny Girl.

Elizabeth Ashley is itching to busther contract, too. And producer Saint-Subber will set her free from NeilSirnon's tiresome Barefoot in the Park

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for a paltry $35,000. Like Burnett,Ashley is under considerable strain.She chased offher fiancé, George Pep-pard, by offering these warm wordsof condolence upon his mothersdeath: Oh, look, everybody dies."While her ex-beau drinks himselfsillyon the Continent, sources suggest thatElizabeth has been experimentingwith reefer. Sadly, it seems the onlyaward she will be taking home this sea-son will be presented by the psy-chiatric staffat Payne Whitney, wherethis young lady recently landed aftera nervous breakdown.

Will 8k

won'iI; she?

HOW TO BE A SWiNGER

by Bernard Mergendeiler

I saw a girl at a party the other night.Or I should say, I saw a dancer: skinny,heavy eye shadow, straight black hair,black leotard, very Village. You proba-bly know the girl I mean, give or takea neurosis or two.

You probably know the party too.There were lots ofwriters, actors, art-ists, a few organizers and some slumming Mad. Ave. types my friend Nat(his pad) knew from college. lt waslate, I'd drunk a lot ofwine, Nat hadMonk on the hi-fi py contributing

Like her fellow contenders, LizaMinnelli has prematurely left a suc-cessful show in her case, Off-Broad-way's Best Foot Forward. The shows kit-

tenish press agent, Rex Reed, man-fully tried to put agood face on things,saying his little trouper was movingon "to do something wonderful wichher life." He might have added, I/shecan get free of Mama.

Judy, you see, had begged Lizato quit Best Foot and help her preparea new TV series in Hollywood. Lizadid her pilihead materfamiliass bid.ding, yet still had time to return eastand star opposite Elliott "Streisand'sDark, Rangy Husband" Gould in aWestport Country Playhouse summerproduction of The Fantasticks. (Thetwo, it's said, are fast friends. Watchout, Babs!)

As we go to press, Liza is back inthe city, rehearsing her promising newshow Flora. the RedMenace, written byJohn Kander and Fred Ebb and open-ing at the Alvin Theater in May. Shearrives fresh from a troubled appear-ance opposite her mother at the Lon-don Palladium. During the show, Lizaupstaged Mama, and the old ladyreportedly tried to shove her daughteroff the stage.

See you opening night at Sardi's. j

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editor Thelonious Monk, that isEd.].And there was this neurasthenic-looking dancer chick leaning againstthe kitchen wall, ignoring everyone,burying her nose in a copy of Nausea.

because he pals ¿round wich Muslims. Fnrgive us. bui when dILl w Ievr America? 13. TIlE VERY FREEWHEELING ROB DYLAN. Bob. if yer goin tA hc he spokemn14

It was, of course, love at írst sight.mean, a pair ofbandaged wrists and1m a puddle.

Thankfully, though, I did the smartthing. I split. Because I knew ill didn't

would turn out something like this:I'd talk to her, I'd listen to her, I'd takeher seriously and four months laterwe'dbe sipping espressos at Caffè Reg-sio and she'd be telling me, Because,Bernard, I wouldn't want to sully ourfriendship," and I'd be getting one ofmy (psychosomatic) stomachachesand thinking, Will mankind achieve

Partycl MØ Çj

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Pooper

'WHATS NEW, UH. TOMCAT" On his way

into New York's federal court, evil RoyCohn, a guy whose thing is pointing theirgerwaves o digit inthe air and botches o

take lighthearted attempt at sorne o thecrazy new hepspeok. It's pussycat, Oy.ray.

Meanwhile, in another display of digitoldexterity (clear across the country at theBeverly Hilton), strenuously self.styledcool cat Sammy Davis Jr. pretends to beowhiteperson. Frank Sinatra, sources say,

os riot convinced.

guilt-free sex ¿n my lifetime? Or will I have

to be content with a ban on the Bomb. the

end of poverty, a Negro presiden: andmaybe, if I'm really really lucky, UrsulaAndreu in 3-D Smell-O-Vision?

Friendship, schmiendship.The Swinger, of course, doesn't

agonize over these things. He doesn'thave to. The Swinger walks right upto the girl and doesn't make small talkabout the influence of Chaplin onKubrick and Lester, and he definitelydoesn't ask the girl about her analysis.That's what you and I ardor The

Swinging at the Rio de Janeiro Carnival:Porfiro Rubirosa, legendary mon of action(and you know the kind we mean), readieshimself to try out a new bit of continentalsuavity on a hovering hula girl. "Hey, doll-foce," he croons, "I see you like to get Iei'd."

HEEHAW-HAW-HAW At their Beverly Hillswedding blowout, September-Decembernewlyweds Ernest Borgnine (September)and Ethel Merman (December) enjoy acommunal bray with well-wishing stripperGypsy Rose Lee. The McHoIe's Navy star,our wall flies tell us, had just told his tooth-some brooder, bridethat she smelledso good, he'd like to bottle her, What amadman!

,.

'j 'NUTSY GUTSY PEGGY GUGGENHEiM I-fey, Peg,

ore you sure it'S not upside down? Even aBrillo box says THIS SIDE UP!

Swinger murmurs, Chiant;, Bolero, mplace, with the subtitle reading, Takeit, baby, or leave it, but like, make upyour mind already. And chances are . .

It's like the sideburned operator inthe Feiffer cartoon says: "If I had anyrespect for girls, I'd never make out."

As for me, I lied a minute ago. Iwalked right up to the dancer andasked her if she'd ever read Being andNothingness. She said no, but her ana-lyst recommended it. i said,"Yeah?Sohow long you been in analysis for?"

I'm doomed, )

Didja hear about the crazy new stew game?

lt's called Please Put Your Seat n the RightPositionand all you have to do is ask alovely aïr hostess to sit on you. Here, TriniLopez plays the "happy hands" version.And the girls love it, too'

Twenty-two-year-old Cassius Clay makesan Ahhhh sound while reveling over a birth'day cake decorated with a pair of minia-ture tar babies. [What's with all the fingersthis month? Ed.]

NLXT MOHTH Pl SPY

VOLKMUSIK BER ALLES

Inside Albert Gro,sman'i GreenwichVillage Reich

WORLD'S FAIR VS. U.N

Our itcond funny cornparatii'e chart

THE STEWS

A new column cot'ering theinpergiarnorosi air hoitei induitry

NEW, IMPROVED NEW YORK

!Iow about a giant .rkyicraper on ¡heWest Side rail yardt?

.f yer trfl' c.,,,,.,..,iir s ,hn like "Tlc mn cvho sht Prden Kcnncdy. lee' Oewald I saw some at myself in him FoRcs 'usi won t urideeccìina )

15

BARELY AUDIBLE WOMEN

Marilyn

Jackie

sleeker curves. A cI-iassis that won't say

no. A wider road-gripping stance. That's

the exciting, all-new astLack look of the

Forci Ventorina for 196e.

But man, is she silent. That's

thanks to lier Wet-Flo transmission,

h er Purr-Matic V-8 engine, her Hush-

a-Bye suspension.

Take her for a spin anJ we think

you'll agree she's the quietest ride yet. So

quiet, in (act, you might even wonder:

wh can't every woman he a Ford

Ventorina?

Th. Ford Vsntorir.a

7k 196.5 (7ord Oenh,rinuWHEN YOU NEED A LITTLE PEACEAND QUIET

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L fl criticisn , nothing succeeds like repetition.

repetition and, in a pinch. repetition

BY HENRY DUTCH HOLLAND

On a range of one to 10," wrote Daily News gossip stenog-rapher Liz Smith, "I'd give the Steinberg fete 100 % . I don'tknow, Liz. I was there, too, andon a range ofone to lOfd

have given it a C+.R L Demanding, exacting, exigent, insistent, instan!,

o r importunate, pressing, crying, clamorous these ares among the many, many

words that simply will notdo for the earnest Stephen Holden of TheNew York Times. Only one word will do,and that word is urgent. The Holden :

Review System (Vocalist Division) says .

use ituse it often, use it twice in thesame review ifyou have to, use it in other -

forms (urgency, ior example). Just use it.For no other word in the language con-veys the same, I don't know, urgent ur-gency. Some historical perspective isrequired, for Holden has understood the :..power of the U word since he beganwriting for the Times, in the early 1980s.A brief, though incomplete, recap:

George Benson's voice at a 1982 con-cert was "more urgent sounding thanusual." Marty Balm, Holden wrote a fewmonths later, once sang "urgent duets"with Grace Slick. In 1983 Smokey Robin-son still possessed an "urgent, enraptureddelivery," as opposed to Carly Simon's"urgent, open-hearted folk-pop delivery"and the style of Valerie Simpson, "anurgentgospel belter." In 1984 Paul Younggave an "urgent rendition" of a MarvinGaye song, and a Gladys Knight perfor-

mance included "a warm, urgent 'And IAm Telling You I'm Not Going." On theother hand, that same year John Waiterevealed a "strained, thin vocal deliverythat is at once urgent and lacking incolor." In 1985 Carol Bruce's vocal inter-pretations "lack(ed) urgent involvement,"and Angela Bofill's singing was "muchless urgent than it used to be." But theFour Tops still possessed an "urgent pop-soul ballad style," and Stevie Wonderwas able to follow Lionel Richie's open-¿ng lines on "We Are the World" with a"reedier, more urgent response." In 1986Luther Vandross shrewdly chose not totreat one number as "an urgent plea to aninsensitive lover"; Simple Minds boasted"repetitive chants urgently intoned"; andMichael Feinstein made old standardssound "brand-new and personally urgent."

While 1987 was notable chiefly forMichael Bolton's "feverishly urgent remake"of "Dock of the Bay," sometime around1988 Holden discovered that The Wordwas versatile and could be applied to morethan just singing; Holden scholars citehis Arts & Leisure piece on RobertPlant's Now and Zen, with its reference tothe LP's "urgent, accelerated rockers," as abreakthrough of sorts. Since then he has

LIRI;EI1

felt free to employ The Word in a varietyof situations: Otis Redding's "urgentuptempo numbers" at Monterey; the "ur-gently percussive ensemble playing" ofHannibal Peterson's quartet; the "urgentcries" of the Gipsy Kings' lead vocalist;Maria Muldaur's "urgent gospel-flavoredrendition" ofsomething or other; Take 6's"urgent gospel emotionality"; and LL.Cool J's "urgent, rhyming sweet-talk"though Holden also wrote that rap "im-plies. . .that what is being said is toourgent to be sweetened." Hmmm. Maybe,as he went on to say, it simply reflectsgrowing acceptance ofrap songs that are"more urgent in their tone."

Its urgentpersonally, Feinsteinishlyurgentthat we leave Stephen Holdennow, but here's one final, recent flurry:Holden "did not sense an urgent visioninforming [Deacon Blues') songs," whereask.d. lang 'communicate[s) a stunningurgency" and the The's new songs havea "do-or-die urgency" (which is fitting,given that leader Matt Johnson "mayhave urgent messages to impart").

Holden's more readable colleague atthe Times, Jon Pareles, used every wordbut you-know-what to describe a Pixiesshow: "Frenetic and offhand, derangedand savvy, funny and brutal, crisp andwayward, the Pixies brought their calmlyschizophrenic, firmly dislocated rock tothe Ritz on Friday night." Truly a bandwith something for everyone or at leasteverything for someone. On a range ofone to 10, this lead gets a thumbs-down,

(Speaking of Liz Smith and rock 'n'roll, here she is apropos of nothing inparticular: "Rock, which never reallywent away, is back with a vengeanceeverywhere; it's all over and all aroundus." As insights go, that oneon a rangeofone to 10gets a halfstar, at best.)

Turn to Rolling Stone for rock criticismand you certainly get it, although youalso get Peter Travers on movies. Travers,as has been pointed out here before,churns out his marquee-ready copy witha discomfiting absence of irony. Since welast checked in with him, the overassignedreviewer has added these jewels to hisgrowing oeuvre: "Monumental, mold-breaking entertainment" (The Abyss)."[Tom) Hanks is an invitation to laugh-ter. Don't fail to R.S.V.P." (Turner & Hooch).'[James Spader's) wrenching, woundedinterpretation is definite Oscar bait" (sex,

lies, andvideotape). "Freddy's still the topsin screen slashers" (A Nightmare on ElmStreet 5: The Dream Child). "Racy, raucousand roaringly funny" (7'ue Love). "One ofthe brightest, bawdiest, no-bull womancharacters in years" (Shirley Valentine).Even his review of Casualties of War, amovie Travers considers "flawed," con-tains at least one phrase that is preblurbi-fled: "In this movie powerhouse, [MichaelJ' Fox) gives his finest screen perfor-mance," (Me,no to Columbia Publicity: Takethat one and run with it.)

Travers is a cheerleader; he likes prac-rically everything, and his overwrought,clunky enthusiasm is embarrassing. Heshould either turn it way down or turnitslightlyup and plead parody. Nojury would buy it, but maybe ifhe sticksto his story long enough readers mighteventually choose to believe that invita-tion-to-laughter-don't-fail-to-R.S.V. P con-structions are intentionally bad. Thatother way, taking them at face value,madness lies.

Some of the nation's finest film cnt-icsapart from Traverswene sidelinedbriefly last August by Washington Post re-viewer Hal Hinson's wedding. Among theguests: Stephen Schiff (Vanity Fair, Na-tional Public Radio), Peten Rainer (LosAngeles Herald Examiner), Mike Sragow(San Francisco Herald Examiner) , DavidDenby (New 'rbrk) and David Edelstein(New York Post). With The Abyss openingthe following week, the issue becamehow to enable these men to meet theirprofessional commitments without sac-riflcing the precious time traditionallyset aside fon male bonding. The solution:Twentieth Century Fox arranged for aspecial screeningat Hinsoni bachelorparty. Maybe it was this atmosphere thatinspired Denby's and Edelstein's subse-quent descriptions ofJames Cameron'sdirection: "advanced Erector Set mental-ity" (Denby) and "testosterone-heavy tech-nique" (Edelstein). Maybe.

Hinson himself didn't review TheAbyss his Washington Post colleague(and, apparently, Peten Travers soulmate) Rita Kempley did, "A veritablechowder of chills;' she called it, thoughher review matched the general consen-sus that The Abyss wasn't very good. AndTravers? "The greatest underwater adven-ture ever filmed;' he wrote, hedging hisbets as usual, "the most consistently en-

thralling ofthe summer blockbusters, oneofthe best pictures ofthe year. . . [and) alove story of shattering impact:'

Despite such tempting possibilities as"Abyss-mal" and "Jookie crumbles"-bothof which were used it was sex, lies, andvideotape that brought headline writers'creativity to fever pitch last summer.[Editors' note: see also "Read My Clips,"page 42,) A sampling:

"Sex, Lies, and Steve Sodcrbergh" (TheVillage Voice). '"sex, lies' and soderbergh"

(Gannett's Reporter Dispatch). "Sex, Lies &

Sodcrbengh" (Mirabel/a). "sex, lies and

Laura San Giacomd' (People). 'Sex, Lies'

and Spader" (T/,e New York Times). "Sex,

Lies and Letters" (Time). "Sex, Lies andCommercials" (the Times). "Sex, lies, suc-

cess ..... (Neu.'sweek). 'sex, lies,' media

and the FBI" (USA Thday). , . . News, Lies

and Videotape" (the Times). "death, lies,

and videotape" (the New York Post). "Love,

Lies and Murder ..." (the Times). "Sex,

Lowe, and Videotape" (the Voice). . . . Sex,

prize & videotape" (Daily Neu's). "Sex, lit'

igation and videotape" (Rolling Stone). Lies.

Lies, and More Lies" (The New Y,rker).

"Sex, Nuts and Questionnaires (sPy).

By autumn we were all checking thepapers for "De Niro, Stahn and RealEstate," what with Robert De Niro's con-venting the Martinson Coffee building inTnißeCa into a film-production center.But though the headline never maten-alized, allusions to Monroe Stahr (the DeNiro character in The Last Tycoon) surelydid. The engaging Peter W. Kaplan,writing in Man, inc., a pointless supple-ment introduced in September's Manhat-

tan. inc. , began his article on the actor'sventure with a quote from the Fitzgeraldbook and soon had De Nino "showing theslight, severe authority he showed as theslim, decisive mogul Monroe Stahr," (Thematter ofDe Niro's weight is what reallyholds Kaplan's piece together: later he is"currently trim," and laten still he is "trimthese days") And William H. Honan, inThe New Yirk Times, began his article onthe project with the inevitable compari-son: "When Robert De Nino appearedsome years ago ¡n the title role of. . . Thenhe extracted a quote from De Niro on thewhole Stahr issue.

I don't know It is a fairly apt, if obvious,allusion. On a range ofone to 10, I'd giveit a bravo. j


II I I -ru-u

The men in line to the throne of NBC

Neu's president Michael Gartner

B Y J. O E G I L L I S

Former presidents of television news di-visions come in two basic varieties: theanxious pedant (Reuven Frank of NBC,

---- Larry Grossman of NBCe-Q: and, of course, Fred

ÖH

Friendly oICBS) and the-arrogant martinet (Rich-

,, ard Wald of NBC, VanGordon Sauter of CBS and, of course,Fred Friendly oICBS). Mike Gartner, thecurrent president oINBC News, is of theFriendly variety, although employeeshave so far encountered little of Gartnerthe putative intellectual. No news presi.dent since Sauter has been so intenselyloathed by his staff. But Gartner is im-mensely popular, it turns out, with theonly colleagues who really matter at NBCthese days - the tough-guy bean-countersat General Electric, which owns NBC.

The horrible morale at NBC is notmerely a function of Gartner's angry-little-man-in-a-bow-tie manner - the gra-tuitous insults to current employees(Nancy Collins) and about-to-be-formeremployees (Chris Wallace), the unneces-sary public screaming match with NBCaffiliates last summer in California, theundisguised newspaperman's contemptfor TV news. The deeper problem is thathe is more Queeg than Patton, moreBrezhnev than Stalin: if Gartner were acompetent prick, he might at least have thegrudging respect of his staff.

But his power plays are pathetic. Hedid manage to establish a revamped NewsDesk, that by regulating assignmentsmanages only to bully his senior under-lings who actually create programming.He cut back the NBC News bureaus in


Paris and Atlanta, but after he altogetherdismantled the Southwest Bureau inHouston, he was forced to admit hisblunder and reestablish the outpost inDallas. Similarly, he demoted theforeign-bureau chiefs across-the-board toproducers, then was forced to makemany ofthem bureau chiefs again. Andalthough he successfully exiled Tim Rus-sert, his predecessor's right-hand man, toWashi ngton, Russert's expertly dissem.bling spin control ofthe transfer (A demo-iion?No uìay) and competent managementofthe \Vashington bureau has, ironically,made him an even more powerful poten-tial rival to Gartner.

The other shrewd, affable young vicepresident with designs on Gartner's jobhas been installed right there with him at30 Rock. Gartner was the one, technical-ly, who hired Dick Ebersol, the formerSaturday Night Live executive producerand current NBC Sports president, tooversee the Today show, but in truth Eber-sol was brought in by his good buddy

fGartner were

competent, he might at least

have the grudging respect

ofhis staff

Bryant Gumbel. At the very least, Eber-sol will act as a buffer and broker be-tween the mean, egomaniacal Gartnerand the mean, egomaniacal Gumbel.But what the Tochiy host may really beafter is more fundamentaldetachinghis show from the budget-cutting newsdivision altogether. When one colleaguecomplained to Gumbel about NBC'snew low-rent policies (a planned week inAfrica was canceled to save money, aswas a more modest trip outside NBC'soffices into Rockefeller Center in Juneand now Today is gearing up for aglamorous five-city tour ofthe Rust Belt),Gumbel smiled knowingly. No money?It:í not that way in sports, said the star. lt'snot that way in entertainment, Gumbelsaid, making it sound somewhere be-

tween a threat and a promise.NBC Entertainment, ofcourse, is run

by Brandon Tartikoff, and Tartikoff hap-pens to be a friend of Ebersol's (the twopartied last summer in Connecticut,curiously, with Henry Kissinger). Tar-tikoff's touch is already being felt inNews: it's said to be he who inspired,almost by accident, the unaccountablypopular prime-time Maria Shriver vehi-de Yesterday, Today & Tomorrow, a showthat seems less like a network news broad-cast than like something shown at a themepark's infotainment pavilion . ApparentlyTartikoff, months earlier, had ratheroffhandedly mentioned to someone inthe news division that nostalgia seemedto be very much in the air. Practically be-fore Tartikoff knew it, executive pro-ducer Sid Feders had taken the passingnotion and concocted YTT, completewith special-effects shots of 1989 news-people against turn-of-the-century back-drops. lfTartikoffhad happened insteadto make a comment about the weather,NBC News might now be promoting ashow called Heat Wave.

Over at ABC, Ebersol's role model,Roone Arledge, doesn't fall into eitherstandard network-news-president cate-goryat ABC, the aloof intellectuals(Ted Koppel) and arrogant SOBs (SamDonaldson) are actually on TV. Fortu-nately for the staffs, they spend most oftheir time carping at each other. Donald-son has been boasting to colleagues (and,remarkably, on the air) that his three-month-old show Primetime Live is so goodthat no one needs to watch Nightline any-more. The snipe was especially galling toKoppel: former Nightline executiveproducer Rick Kaplan is in charge ofPrimetime Live, and Koppel is contempru-ous of Donaldson and his knee-jerk left-of-center bully-boyism. (Indeed, those atNightline tend to be contemptuous ofevery ABC News show but their own.)After Primetime Live premiered, Koppeland his staffs in Washington and NewYork spent the next couple of days quot-ing with relish from negative newspaperreviews ofthe new Donaldson-and-Diane-Sawyer show. And some weeks later, theNightline staff whipped together in justhalla day a tight, tough show about Mal-coim Forbes's Moroccan parry. Whatspurred such frenzy? The knowledgethat Primetime Live was planning a seg-ment on Forbes just two nights hence. )

AI_I_ .ri -ri-u

riLI%IE: w

Hiringfriends. doingJzvcrs synergy

IT MACAULAY CONNOR

Months after the merger, the use ofmeaningless seventies-speak continuesunchecked in the executive offices of

'\ debt-burdened TimeWarner. A memo

..- jF from Kelso Sutton,N F O RA T O N the widely despised

c) elevator-shoe buffand head of Time-Life Books, blathered

! ' pages about the "extraordi-

nary energy and creative synergies» thatwould be generated by the unlikely lash-ing-together of the genteel backwaterpublisher Little, Brown and the go-gosensationalist Warner Books. And thefriendless Nick Nicholas, putative heirapparent to co-CEO Dick Munro, led agathering of Time Inc. employees in apep rally on the meaning of synergy. Youknow what a CD is?, Nicholas called out.Yeeeees, the crowd was encouraged torespond. Think ojal1 that wasted space inthe packaging. %Vell, the great synergistwent on, on Warner CDs that area couldbe used to advertise our new EntertainmentWeekly!

Indeed, the spirit of creative synergyabounds in Time Warners free-to-be-you-and-me executive environment. GilRogin, the company's corporate editor,has put extraordinary energy and crea-tive synergies to work in a very personalway himself. Rogin floated up from Sportsillustrated, where he had been managingeditor, to fill Jason McManus's old jobwhen McManus finally glad-handedenough executives to become editor inchief of all Time publications in 1987.During the 1984 Summer Olympics in

Los Angeles, Rogin was spotted in thestands, generati ng extraordinary energyand synergy with Olympic runner MaryDecker the night before ber 3,000-meterrace. The next day Decker, owing per-haps to a synergy-overload lapse ín con-centration, tripped, whined and endedup not finishing the race.

More recently, Rogin hired his live-ingirlfriend,Jacqueline Duvoisin, to workas a photographer. It was an unusualmove for a magazine that has made itsname, in large part, on the excellence ofits photography: few at the magazine hadever heard of Duvoisin before. The SportsIllustratedstaffwas ordered to supply herwith equipment and on-the.job training.Following a brief, ill-fated stint on thetrack-and-field circuit she was given aregular beat, golf, which photographicallyis surely one of the least demandingsports in the magazine's menu.

Fortunately, golf also happens to beone of Mark Mulvoy's favorite sports.And Mulvoy owes much ofhis success atSports Illustrated, including his currentposition as managing editor, to Rogin,his predecessor. Although Rogin's friendDuvoisin is apparently the only photog-

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rapher ever to be asked to leave the golfcourse of the British Open for infrac-dons, other impediments to her flourish-Ing career have been handled in a man-net designed to please her patron andcompanion. An SI senior editor onceasked Mulvoy to get rid of Duvoisin, towhich Mulvoy replied, shamelessly, i

can't. I promised Gil. \Vhen a seniorofficial of the PGA threatened to corn-plain to Mulvoy about Duvoisin, he waswarned by a sympathetic Sports Illustratedpicture editor that Mulvoy might curtailits coverage of the event if he did. (Nocomplaint was lodged.) And when anactual photographer offered Duvoisinsome technical advice, which she misun-derstood, ruining her film ici the process.the photographer didn't work at SportsIllustrated fo r tl'i ree months.

Duvoisin is, however, the only fe-

male photographer on staff at SportsIllustrated a magazine renowned for itsblundering, anachronistic treatment ofwomen. lt has had to award two largeout-of-court settlements to former fe-male employees in the last two years. Oneof the women was unceremoniouslydumped, after working at the company

for more than three decades, because shefailed to warn Sports Illustrated's editorsabout a feminist rally due to take placeearlier this year to protest the magazine'sSwimsuit Issue.

Professional photography equipmentin the hands of amateurs, subscriptioncoupons on CD packaging. doomed, de-rivative entertainment weeklies synergyat work in the media conglomerate of thefuture. )


I II F tJ II III

When it cornes to getting what you want

¿n Hollywood. no price is loo dear

I Y C L L I A I R A D Y

River Rats: The age-old nature-nurturedebatethat is, is personality a productofenvironment, or is it an inherent func

tion ofbirthapplies toall walks of life, even one

I

as sociologically primi-tive as the entertainmentindustry. Its most recent

application in the world of show busi-ness occurred in August, during whichthe following hypothetical research ques-tion was posed: if a talent agent were re-moved from his phone, his Rolodex andhis desk, would he still be the manipula.tive, pushy schmoozaholic that he is

when in his native habitat?In the cases of 1CM defectorInter-

Talent cofounder Bill Block and ICMsJ eremy Zimmer, the answer is yes. Bothproved themselves to be urban creaturesthis summer when they joined machosand machos manqués Tom Selleck, TomCruise, Jeff "Sparky' Katzenberg, defen-dant Don Simpson, Touchstone Filmspresident David Hoberman, Three iSlen

and a Baby adapters Jim Cruickshankand James Orr, director John Badhamand director-producer Rob Cohen forHollywood's annual executive river-raftexcursion down the Snake River.

Zimmer exhibited that trait whichdistinguishes the world of agents fromthat of nonagents the need to expressto others the full brunt of one's personaldiscomfort. \Vhile the rest of the camp-ers reveled in more conventional ritualsof male bonding, Zimmer seized uponthe opportunity to whine about his fearofthe water and his displeasure at havingto eat outdoorsproblems he might

have anticipated, given the nature ofmost river-rafting trips. Block, on theother hand, spent the trip doing whatany self-respecting agency chief woulddo: trying to brownnose big-ticket Crea-rive Artists Agency talent. Block's gambitfor this particular mission was to repeat-cdly tell Cruise that he would be morethan happy to carry his gear for him, hewouldn't mind at all, really, il wouldbe no

problem uhaisoever. Finally, after Block hadoffered enough times to seem more an-noying than helpful, Katzenbcrg blurtedto Block over the campfire one night,'You knos Bill, by the end of this tripwe're going to have to get a blowtorch toget your nose out ofToms ass.'

Night o/the Living Career-Dead: Disneyhas specialized in resurrecting thecareers of 1970s stars turned middle-aged 1980s losers. Its real test will comewith the planned career rejuvenations ofGoldie Hawn and Tom Selleck, both ofwhom recently signed deals with Holly-wood Pictures (Disney's new divisionheaded by Hobermans nemesis RicardoMestres), and still more urgently withRichard Gere, who has just finishedfilming 3000 from a dark, Collector-like

f an agent were removed from

his phone. Rolodex and desk, would

he still be the pushy schmoozaholic

he is in his native habitat?

script that has been kicking around townfor some time. Gere, of course, was thetalk ofthe town when he gave a midsum-mer party for the Dalai Lama to which heinvited all the studio despots.Just beforethe momentous event, executives weremadly phoning one another, desperate tofind out how exactly to address the Ti-betari holy man. One can only speculateabout how many of them came up withthe jest "Hello Dalai' and then wereforced to feign utter hilarity when it wasrepeated to them later by someonehigher up in the Hollywood food chain.

They Shoot Producers. Don't They? No

one's quite sure about icy, drivenproducer Gale Anne Hurd. Granted, hertwo big hits, The Terminator and Aliens,had a combined gross ofover $300 mil-lion, but then again, both were directedby her talented then-boyfriend (in thefirst instance) and then-husband (in thesecond),James Cameron. Their most re-cent joint effort, The Abyss, never quitelived up to its spring- and summer-longschedule of hype and, more important,che two films she produced that didn'thave Cameron directing Bad Dreamsand Alien Nation were complete bombs.

She has a unique way of acknowledg-ing those who work for her. Throughoutthe making of The Abyss, Hurd alienatedmany members of the crew with herrelentless demands and her seeming ma-bility to utter the words thank you. Whenshe failed to include many of the crewmembers' names in the closing credits, amember of the production staff askedwhy. "We need to shorten the film. Andplus," added Hurd (a woman who flewher horses to The Abyss's location so thatshe could ride during the shoot), "it uil/Isave money."

See you Monday night at Mortons. )

, l%I

lLJ

Sei/ing apartments redolent with death

BY MICHAEL KAPLAN

Bad things happen in good buildings.Even in the best buildings. Even in thosehulking prewar monoliths scattered

J\ along the border avenues- of the Upper East Side.

sE A L And when everything is

not quite, well, right at oneof these posh addresses,

selling an apartment there can be a taskfraught with difficulty. Never mind the

problem of finding somebody with a fewmillion dollars to spend on a few thou-sand square feet, some of them withviews try finding somebody to buy thesame place with bullet holes on themaster bedroom wall and spots of bloodfreshly scrubbed from the wainscoting.

lt was just such a situation that a realestate agent encountered a few years agowhen she was brokering a half-million-dollar five-room duplex on East 72ndStreet, just offPark Avenue. All was goingsmoothly: a socially ambitious couplewas eager to move in, and a doctor andhis wife were looking forward to selling.All that remained was the traditionalhaggling over the pricewhich is whatthe broker and purchasers had come forwhen they walked in on a ferocious argu.ment between the doctor and his wife. "Itwasn't just a quarrel," says someone privyto the sale. "At least once they threatenedto kill each other."

Despite the embarrassment of intrud-ing on such a personal squabble, thebroker managed to shepherd the dealthrough, leaving only the legal paper-work to be done. Shutting the door onthe still-bickering (Continued on page ¡24)

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Li l%J - _ U U I-1

u

ACROSS1. Let me ust say a word about how thispuzzle works: each clue (with occasionalexceptions not featured this month) givesthe answer twice: once literally ("Britishmother") and once jokily or anagrammati-cally or something. People are forever tell-ing me that they cant work this puzzle, butthey can. All that's required is the will to doit. The BrItish do this sort ofthing in severaldifferent newspapers every day, and theBritish are as eighties as you please. mci-dentally, it would have been nice for thisclue, and for one's sense ofthe intercon-nectedness of things, if Ronald Reagancalled Nancy "Mummy," but no, it's "Mom-my." He may call Mrs. Thatcher "Mummy,"I don't know.9. Reclusion means the state of"being shutup." The cryptic part ofthe clue is the lettersin I#crec rearranged ("assorted") plus no. Ibackward,lo. B stands for born. "In present condition"means as is.1 1 . 1 (roman numeral one) plus god in rear-ranged ("crazy").14, Van surrounded by e.g. plus slime rear-ranged Cmessy"). Evangelism pursuesother people's 5 Down. It also pursues otherpeople's money, ofcourse, but what doesn'tthese days?16. B is the head ofbone. Plus it. There areeight bits to a dollar two bits is a quarter.This usage goes back to the old pieces-of-eight coin, which was indented so that itcould be broken, or changed, into eightbits.20. The New Testament tells, quaintly as maybe, of the poor widow who gave a greatergift than the rich man because she gave hermite, a piddling coin but the only moneyshe had. "Surviving wife" is widow, and "hithard" is smite.22. To coincide is to "come together." If homi-cide is killing a person, then coincide might(give me a break here, we're having fun) bekilling change.

23. Learnt rearranged ("oddly"). Antlers arethe points of a whole buck.28. CE eating ham before Noel goes back-ward ("turns").29. Played is the synonym. Billy Cox, aseveryone who is interested in the saga ofNew York's five boroughs knows, playedthird base for the Brooklyn Dodgers, andBrooklynites in them days stereotypicallypronounced third like toyed.

DOWN1. Crirneless rearranged ("sort of").2. Dec. a.m. coming up.5. A negative account would be the con, asopposed to the pro, version.8. 1 assume we would all like to return to thebosom. L don't think this is a sexist allusion.To the bosom of something.13. A flatland is ap/am, and then dane takesin an a. I guess this clue is sexist, but sinceit is condescending toward male homeli-ness, it is surely okay, and it redresses "PlainJane."15. in a camera rearranged ("redeveloped").22. A commanding officer is a CO, and micsounds like "Mick."25. Did you know that the expression nerts,as in "Nerts to you," was racy Hollywoodslang in the thirties? A euphemism for nuts.Back then, Hollywood didn't make moviesin which people called one another Scum-bag or even said, "I'm mad as hell and I'mnotgoing to take it anymore," which is whatpeople in the television audience startedyelling out their windows in the seventiesmovie Network at the urging of a disgrun-tied newsguy played by Peter Finch. He hadwhipped up an actual stand.up-and.be-counted technomob, or rather countertech-nomob. A naive conception, we realizenow.)

'MUMMY, 3 4TECHNOMOB3

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couple, she breathed a sigh of reliefand rang for the elevator, believing thatthe high - commission , high anxietyordeal was almost over. The next morn-¡ng, however, her optimism unraveledwhen she saw the New York Posts frontpage: in a fit ofanger the doctor had shothis wife dead and then killed himselfleaving the apartment drenched in blood.

"We mourned for a minute or two, butour main concern was the deal" remem-bers a co-worker at the real estate broker-age. We called [the dead couples) attorneyand explained that a price had been agreedupon. Luckily, he trusted us enough toissue a contract," The broker's next con-cern was that the buyers would be spookedby the recent gunplay. No problem, shesaid. 'The people moving in had noqualms about it. They felt lucky to havereached an agreement before the murder."

But striking deals around gruesomecircumstances isn't always so easyevenin New York's cold-blooded real estatemarket. Early last year, police arrived ataccountant Layne Alexander's West 15thStreet loft to find him lying face up witha bullet through his head. Whispers ofS&M doings surrounded the murder.

Although the human debris was cleaned

hile the wildcat itself was easily

removedfrom the dead actor

apartment, the excrement and odor

it left behindproved ,ìzore enduring

UI) before the 2,400-square-foot spacewas made available for prospective buy.ers, it was hardly pristine. "The place wasa mess," says a broker who worked on thesale, "Of course the apartment reflectedhow the people in it were living. Papersand boxes and dirty clothing were every-where." More ominous than any of thedetritus was a metal bar suspended on achain from the ceiling. "Itcoi/dhave beenan exercise bar," says the broker.

The apartment's tabloid-generatednotoriety coupled with its condition andodd fixtures kept the price at a relative

bargain: $450,000 for a space that thebroker says would have otherwise broughtat least $100,000 more. Still, it couldhave been worse. "Once we explainedthat there was no forcible entry, the prop-erry was not as difficult to sell as anapartment of an AIDS victim," admitsthe broker. "Those are the hard ones." (In'deed, rumors that several tenants of oneChelsea building have died from AIDScomplications have made selling unitsthere increasingly difficult, One brokersourly calls the building "jinxed,")

Considering that this is a city with anexceedi ngly high tolerance for intolerableaccommodations, the rule of thumb inManhattan's real estate market shouldcome as no surprise: no matter how re-pulsive the murder, as long as it is personal

(as opposed to the kind involving a dis'agreeable stranger and an inadequatesecurity system) New Yorkers will nothesitate to live in the space where it oc-curred. Perhaps the ultimate proot'is thecase of the West 10th Street apartmentonce occupied hyjoel Steinberg (who, bythe way, was more than a year behind inhis roughly S500-a-month rent). Stigma.tized by death, drugs and nightmarishpublicitybesides being spotted withblood, reeking of urine and outfittedwith a dented exercise barthe house oíhorrors was put back on the market attwice the rent that the disbarred consen-SUS "fiend" had (not) been paying.

The right kind of scandal can evenadd a certain cachet to otherwise ordi-nary quarters. Take the loft in whichJean.Michel Basquiat took an overdose ofheroin and died. Artist manqué and night-club owner Eric Goode seems to view hisown tenancy in the Great Jones Streetapartment/studio as a badge ofhonor. asif it were a validation of his ardsticseriousness, And at the Chelsea Hotel,spiky-haired teenagers and neo-SymbolistEuropean tourists frequently request theVicious Room, where exSex Pistol StdVicious stabbed his girlfriend, NancySpungen, to death. Alas, the requestscannot be honoredthe murder scenehas been converted into an apartment.

Evidence left from yet another drug-related death proved more difficult tomask when, a few years ago, a young manoverdosed in his SoHo loft. Unfortunate-ly, from a maximizing-property-valuepoint of vies the man was reportedlyfound floating in an oversize Jacuzzi in

che center ofthe apartment. Rtther thanbeing an asset, the custom plumbing de-terred people who might otherwise haveconsidered moving in. 'Having ajacuzziisn't necessarily bad, particularly if it'snot in the middle ofrhe living room," ex-plains one of the apartment's brokers,"But when you find out that the previoustenant died of an overdose, it leaves youwondering about what might have goneon in there," The apartment eventuallysold for $325,000.

According to a broker, a wildcat wasfound roaming through Broadway actorGeorge Rose's West Village loft after hewas murdered in May 1988 during avacation in the Dominican Republic (re-porredly at the hands offour Dominicansincluding his teenage "adopted son" andthe boy's natural father). While the ani-mal itself was removed easily. the excre-ment and odor it left behind proved moreenduring. "Rumor has it that there werelions in there at one point," says the bro-ker, who saw the apartment soon afterRose's murder. "The smell inside was sofetid that I had to get out. I don't knowwhat his deal was, but there must havebeen something really wild going on."

The odor remains, and it took until

last August to sell the loft. It's the sort ofproperty that puts offall but the heartiestreal estate brokers. "If it's not sellablebecause of an odor or blood stains oradverse publiciry I stay away from it,"says an unusually squeamish broker. Inother words, she's willing to leave choiceproperties to those who aren't afraid tosell a murder scene for a song:

Fiirnigtd rni! Scrbd tu/Is! BleachdJlrs! )

ThIn which o:r Fear-filled hero

î)iiist repel a flying visitor

BY ELLIS WEINER

Shall we talk, at last, about Fear'Not the fear a man knows when he

confronts his value as a self and his fateas irrevocably mortal.

o w Rather the fear a man ex-B periences when, after the

. good honest toil and badsneaky goofing-off char

constitute day,tonic at 11:30, flips through 42 channelsof cable TV (each more meretriciousthan the last), settles in with a sigh andhears his wife hollerholler, mindyoufrom upstairs, "We have a bat!"

Now, for a man's wife to holler anythingso late at night, with one child sleepingin the adjacent room and anothersonewborn that her Apgar score is stillfresh in the parental mind (9!)downthe hail, each of them mere feet fromthe relevant yell mechanism, means thatsomething is more than a little wrong.A man knows in such circumstances that"We have a bat" does not mean "Wepossess a 32-ounce Louisville Slugger." Itmeans as he confirms when he boundsup the stairs to the second floorthat anervous jet-black object is winging itickily hither and yon, swooping silentlyup and dipping erratically down thestaircase from the third floor.

What does such a man do? Ifmy expe-rience is emblematic, he adopts a wary-warrior, taut-coiled-spring, grown-up-ready-for-anything posture and feels Fear.And begins to emit certain . . . noises. Thenoises are heard whenever the bat swoopsdown at the man's hair before veering

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Pireeding Nearest ro12 Monrhs Filing Dote

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I_____ __ -______________ ___j.ç_. 218,000

1 cerrifr chat abc staccmenrs made by me above arr correct and

compiere.Tl,,,ma.s L Ph,llipsJr.. Publisher

NOVEMBER 1989SPY 125

away in its own batty panic. These arenoises no one in the world, or at least inthe house, has ever heard. They are noisesthe man hopes his son, listening with in-terest in the next room, will not hear evennow ("Isn't Daddy making funny sounds?"the child's mother says brightly, to playdown the incident and thereby, with luck,spare the youth some permanently scar-ring psychological trauma.) They are un-transliteratable into English; "spasmodicstuttering grunts" will have to suffice.

The bat's jkree-skrees are authentic-sounding, and the miracle outs biologicalsonar is miraculous, but let us address itsmanner of motion. No lusty, muscularexercise ofclean, well-feathered wings forthis benighted creature: the bat does notfly so much as flutter its flaccid, leathery,webbed arms and fail to fall. Its move-ment is to a bird's as a tumbleweed's is tothat big scary medicine-ball-from-the-sea's on The Prisoner:

The bat. The noises. The Fear. Sooneror later the man collects what remains ofhis wits and realizes that he can act. Heremembers from childhood history that

f our man is not Indiana Jones.

neither is he in a hypnotic state

infront o/a Cheers rerun

and calling it leisure

the weapon ofchoice in confronting thedomestic bat is the tennis racket. Thereare two squash rackets in the boy's room!He strides in, mumbles some incanta-tion meant to reassure ('Nothing. Goback to sleep") and finds the rackets.

Their grips are dry, solid, businesslike.But their squash-scale faces are simply toopuny to compensate for the contradictionsin the man's strategy as, in confronting thebat, he attempts both to attack it and runaway from it at the same time.

Still, adrenaline is on the move, Thisintruder is not the Count from SesameStreet. Nor is it Bela Lugosi, with whomone could at least have a conversation. Awife, a son, a newborn babe, are to be


protected from this menace. This, for allits ludicrousness, is a sort ofadventure; ifour man is not, by now, Indiana Jones,neither is he falling into a gin-steepedhypnotic state in front ofone ofthree du-ferent Cheers reruns and calling it leisure.

Then comes the inspiration ofthe eve-ning: under the attractive kilim rugs thatadorn the stairway landings are antiskidmats made ola light, rubbery mesh. Likea hero, the man pushes aside a rug andgrabs one. The bat swoops in; the manmakes to float the net in a manner corn-parable to that of South Seas fishermen,in an airy, drifting billow. Instead, ithangs together and sort ofslaps down onhis leg. But the ante has been raised: obe-dient to some mysterious chiropteranimpulse, the bat decides to go downstairs.

Large and cavernous are the roomsdownstairsand dark, The man must,with maximum dignity, paw at lightswitches and stare wildly from room toroom until there: in the den, about eightfeet up, invading the very domain wherenot 40 minutes before cocktails and sit-corns were to have reigned in happy stu-pidiry, the bat circles, Thc man tries toanticipate its path and hold out the make-shift net in its way. Fool! As ifNature hadnot endowed this animal with 10 millionyears' genetic preparation for just such asnare! The result is a bolt of terror,perhaps to the bat but certainly to theman, as the beast swerves right at him,prompting a reprise of, . . the noise.

The man shrinks back. The bat fliesinto the living room, circles perfuncto-rily, then darts into The Playroom, sanc-turn sanctorum of the boy (the violationof which is an outrage!) but also contig-uous, via double glass doors, with thedeck, and outside, where all the rest of thebats on earth live. In that instant, resolv-ing to effect not the bat's death but itsescape, does the man sense some deep,almost prehistoric common bond with thecreature? Not really Instead, he wrenchesopen a door, slaps back the screen andpauses. As though the two of them hadrehearsed it for weeks, the bat imme-diately veers out of orbit and shootsthrough the gap into the inky vastness.

Ifbeing a grown-up means doing whatone has to do, and ifdiscovering a bat inthe house means one has to get rid of it,then the above-cited man was a grown-up. And that grown-up was me.

Next month: "We have a groundhog!")

L_II1iI I%I

In the eighties, Honest Abe and

FDR are a couple of wooden nickels

BY ROY BLOUNT JR.

The other day I saw a teenager literallythrow away 36 cents. He and his fatherwere waiting at an elevator. He tossed the

coins into an ashtrayT E U N on the wall, he pushed. s

the button that causesL E the little floor in the

ashtray to flip over anddump the dreck out of sight, and thenhe stood there. The father cried incredu-lously, "You just threw away money!"

The son, in turn, found his father's in-credulity hard to believe, Thirty-six cents?"

All change is chump change now. Giv-ing it to the homeless is a nice idea, buta while back I proffered a disconsolate-looking woman a handful of nickels andpennies and she said, "Honey, you have anice face, I hope you have a nice day, butI can't use these;' and handed them back.So why don't we do away with pennies,nickels and dimeslet merchants roundeverything off to the nearest quarter?Granted, it would mean seeing less of Lin-coln,Jefferson and Roosevelt.

These presidents stand for meaningfulchange. Broad, progressive change. Thesort of change that people were forevercalling for in the late sixties and earlyseventies. In the eighties, megabucksmake coins seem something less thanpetty, and political change is reduced toclock-back-turning.

So what should I do about it? Move toRussia or China? No. I believe my placeis here, on the puzzle page. A crosswordcan't bring back the pretty penny, thetwo-bit crook, the five-and-dime or theNew Frontier, but it can run changethrough changes. lt can also coin a word.

The word this puzzle has coined, andnow gives away, is 4 Across: technornob.

A mob is a crowd that is getting ugly.But a technomob is not a mob in thestreets. It is a mob addressed through,and therefore created by, modern tech-nology: just about any given media audi-ence today. (Present company excepted.)

Media audiences (as we are inured tohearing) are inured to viewing every-thing that might stir a street mob toaction. Rioting, injustice, starvation,mass murder, toxic euiluvia, kidnapping,barefaced lying, wholesale graft, anAmerican ship shooting down a civilianairliner- all this brought to us by corpo-rations that have paid serious money forthe right to dramatize their interests asthey please, for instance by showing usB. B. King reduced to yum-yummingover cruddy hamburgers (in return, pre-sumably, fOr what is now perceived asevery American icons appropriate price:an enormous piece ofchange). A mob inthe streets is out to change something,somehow, demonstrably. But that's nickel-and-dime stuff. A technomob is involved

- .; I I

in a higher economy. A technomob isinto crying out (by means of a poi1, ortechnosampling) for an anti-flag-burningamendment to the Constitution, althoughthere is no flag fire in sight; but more im-portant, a technomob is primed to de-mand enough ola stake in the establishedorder to be able to afford all those prod-ucts (including public officials) that un-derwrite the technology involved.

This puzzle sez: All change is chumpchange now.

ACROSS

1. British mother all

wrapped up in

preservation. (5)

4. (See essay.) (9)

9. Being shut up, assorted

lucre's got number-one

backing. (9)

10. Born in present

condition of

foundation. (5)

u. One crazy god in

blue. (6)

12. Max in addict

chamber. (8)

4. Vehicle surrounded

by, for example,

messy slime pursues

others 5. (10)

16. Bonehead, it's eight to

the dollar. (4)

19. Ooze gradually

makes water the ocher

way. (4)

20. Surviving wife hit

hard by tiny donation-

all she had. (6,4)

22. Come together with

killing ofchange? (8)

23. Oddly learnt point of

half a buck? (6)

26. Changed, I'm

missing in action in

city that's seen lots of

change. (5)

27. Disturb at eternal

switch. (9)

28. Civil engineer eating

meat before Christmas

turns into changeable

lizard. (9)

29. Played with base Billy

Cox played, local fans

said. (5)

DOWN

1. Quality ofone who

gives no quarter, though

crimeless, sort of. (9)

2. Winter morning rises,

blinded by spray. (5)

3. Up-and-coming get

old at early time of

life. (5,3)

4. Rich women and a

dime are. (4)

5. Negative account

changing dollars to yen(l0)

6. Unimportant person

may have mind and soul,

but that's all. (6)

7. He changed Italy a lot

by manipulating sums in

oil. (9)

8. Mob so disturbed by

what we'd all like to

return to. (5)

13. Flatland sandhill

takes in a homely Jane's

mate. (5,5)

15. Native corn

redeveloped in a

camera. (9)

17. Pioneer weapon

junkie. (9)

18. Sticks to the same

old ways, messing

with Tunisia, right?

(2,2,1,3)

21. Busy, I've set after

whats done. (6)

22. Commanding

officer sounds like

J agger and Jackie

Mason. (5)

24. Dr. Timothy sounds

wary. (5)

25. Rising balls

astound. (4)

The answers to the Un-British Crossword appear on page ¡23.

yft/24f2Je/e/f1ß2j/t S9 t)IîIY

,

NO MANNERS, NO TASTEWe've heard more than

&4kenough grousing by theoverfed swells who didn't get

to ride on theConcorde but had to go in "steerage"tbat is, ina chartered 747to Malcolm Forbes's $2 million- -#I

photo opportunity in lovely Tangier. But reportsare just starting to come in from the Moroc-canswho, it seems, are even more irate

,'- than the herds of airlifted CEOs,J. ___I toadying journalists, expen- sively

LAST RESORT WEAR Forbes's Moroc-can special friends and co-hosts were

.apparently scandalized by what theirAmerican guests consid-

- ered to be appropriate at-tire for the festivities. -.

. .. Bride of Franken- ,4.-steinhaired Liz :

Taylor, for ex- f-ample, (1) tried ç,

IhtO blend in by camouflagingherself in a regular parade .'of centlike caftans. (2) With O

her personal photographerand bantam couturier-flunky '- Scaasi in to Gayfryd Stein-

berg modeled what appearsto be a blouse made of Eliz-

beth Taylor's belt. When the CEOs

o weren't amusing themselves by telling one- - -

planned to pull advertis-Ing from Forbes in favorof Fortune or Business Week,they were entertainedby British media tyrantRobert Maxwell (3, 4),whose getups vied withMiss Taylor's in termsof sheer yardage and intrying to approximatethe local style (note espe-

dressed wastrels and companionablefashion designers. After kicking in anunpublicized portion ofthe expense tohelp Forbes take credit for the entircdebacle, the natives not only had to

listen to all the guests' whining a't close range,

.they then had to to endure it all over again inthe international press. Left to right, our am-bassadors of goodwill having a wonderfultime: (1) deposed first walker Jerry Zipkin;

. (2) Carolyne Roehm and her tiny, overlever-aged husband, Henry Kravis, attempting

cially Maxwell's East-meets-West lay.cred look). (5-7) Yes, the illustrious,

lemminglike party guestsmuch preferred the snazzy,

.',' superversatileand, inR,b- wrinkle-resistant Da.

, ..cron,packab/e!resort

-

wardrobe of stewardess-. crazed Gannett

,

: Foundation chair-.

man Al Neuharth.(8) All except for

- Barry Diller, that is:making the scenepoolside with fashion

wife Kelly Klein, theFox chairman evidently

thought to himself, ¡fi: works

for her naybe it'll workfor me, andproceeded to try to make his tightlyfitting T-shirt into a midriff-baring ar-rangement just like Mrs. Klein's. (Sens-ing that he had not achieved thedesired effect, Diller made the facethat got him through the weekendthe same face he made while protestinghis dinner seating assignment andwhen he, along with Daily News gossipcolumnist Billy Norwich, refused tobudge from the first.class seat heusurped on the return flight.)

- op

't

SIF-L.F IFVII%l iii»

o

their imitation ofrwo '

AgathaChristie mad _____ forTV movie; (3) unflappable TV gossipeuse and richest-wife- in-America Claudia Cohen; (4) large-pored Sansabelt slacks buff

Lee Jacocca; (5) Art Buchwald impersonator Henry Kissinger and his stick-insect-wife, Nancy (here during the two-hour take- noffdelay atJFK); (6) Helen Gurley Brown (sport-

¡ng that fresh-as-a-daisy no-makeup

- look); (7) Forbes's Hollywood dop- , ' pelgänger, hunky bikerpower guy

:r Barry Duller (here pretending to Oper. :'

4 S

.. .ìf

L--

ate a camera with preternaturally boyish biker-publisher-editor Jann Wenner);

(8) professional conversationalist Fran Lebowitz; (9) the party's sideshow artrac-

tion, Liz "I Cant Believe Malcolm Made Me Do This!' Taylor; and (10) long-suf-

ering wife turned merry widow Betsy Bloomingdale (here looking for her bags

among the piles of beauti- fulpeopWsluggage dumped

on the tarmac atJFK). Some people have all the fun!

STRIVERS, SURVIVORS' Table-hopping Regis Phil- bin apparently charms Gayfryd Steinberg and

Scaasi with a tale of how close he once got to Syl-

vester Stallone. Spy's correspondent in Tangier, lit-

tie Mr. Grace who writes the social news, reports that earlier in the evening, while seated at a table with Bear, Stearns CEO Ace Greenberg and Ann

Landers, Reej had left momentarily, then rushed back, screaming to his wife, "Joy,Joy, we're leaving'

Barbara Walters wants us to sit at her table!"

Speaking ofgoing native, that's just what self-righteous grizzled

gossipist Liz Smith did. Here she is cuddling up to Huckleberry Hound look-alike Mery Adelson, in a fetching "Midnight at the Oasis" pose, complete with modified Texas-brimmed fez. Mean-

while, foreign-culture vulture Iris Love engaged in some in situ anthropology, letting her feet go native with a local belly dancer

(hired by that thoughtful host Forbes) and then with a handy Brigitte Nielsen impersonator.

SEPARATED AT BIRTH LJVE!a Alien bathing beauties Carolyne Roehm and Gayfryd "I'll Pose for a Photo Anytime - Even if I'm Putting My

Shoes On' Steinberg were thrilled to have an opportunity to show off protruding bone sockets that even the most revealing couture gowns

hide. After Roehm whined to a gauntlet ofwading paparazzi, "Can't this please be the last picture?' the photographers retreated, only to be lured

back by the dejected Roehm's attention-getting antics. "I'm Esther WI!-

hams!" she shrieked and waved a spindly, goose-fleshed leg in the air.


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I-I 'V I i: y w u-i % Li F Ft I%l 1were little. getting to school meant wa/king 15 tizi/ei in the freezing cold. Or so they claimed. in our New, improved New York, j'o; II really havesomething to tell your kids. The experimental nitro-burning school buses (each fitted with the NASA-designed Child Transport Expedition lip-paratus) will get you to school in what seems like seconds and keep start-and-stop gridlock to a minimum . Le s based on the old-fashioned steam-train method ofpicking ;p mailbags. Only instead ofihe US. Mail being hooked along the route, its city kids. Just make sure your mom doesnibuy you a bus harness a size or two too big to row into. Didn't yoí hear the story about the kid who had to wear his big brotheri harness?When the bus came barreling down Lex at 65 miles an hotu; it hooked the poor little gi and stripped hi,n like an ear offresh corn. )


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Spy Magazine November 1989

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Transcript of Spy Magazine November 1989