Somerset Emotion Coaching Project

• Part 1

Why do we need it?

• Part 2

What is it?

• Part 3

How do we do it?

Emotion Coaching

Feelings Matter

Watch this clip:

Are you disrespecting me? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zV1zK8zRCPo&feature=channel (3 min Lauren in the French class)

Whilst watching:

Identify the feelings going on underneath the behaviour in

a) The pupil

b) The teacher

The importance of a meta-emotion philosophy(Gottman, 1997)

Feelings matter

Distress Fear Surprise Anger Disgust Joy

Innate , hardwired and universal

Emotional responses

Denser network = Quicker, faster, more reliable connections because ‘the sum of the parts is better

than the parts alone’

The Connectome: Neuronal network linking up the areas of the brain

They enable humans to emulate others and

thereby empathise & understand intent–

Essential for the socialization of children

Mirror Neurons: Encode information about the external world and goal-directed behaviour

(Siegel, 2012)

Our brains

Limbic system Frontal lobes

“The vagal system allows us to maintain continued social

engagement by modulating and fine-tuning sympathetic arousal during emotional interpersonal exchanges” (Cozolino, 2006: 61)

The Vagus Nerve: Runs from the brain throughout the body and acts on all organs

Vagal tone: How well your fight/ flight response and vagus nerve are balanced and work together, i.e. Regulate affect

Emotion Coaching helps to build 2 key mechanisms

Social Engagement System • Ability to interact with

others • Ability to understand

others • Ability to make sense of

social relationships • Ability to enjoy social

relationships = Self-regulation of behaviour

Stress Regulation System

• Ability to regulate stress of life

• Ability to regulate feelings

• Ability to regulate social engagements

• Ability to regulate stress of learning

= Self-regulation of emotions

= Self-regulated learning

(Porges, 2011)

The root of all behaviour?

• Watch this clip – The Still Face Experiment https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0

• Watch for positive and negative behaviours

• What were these?

• Which ones were ‘upstairs’ brain behaviours and which ones were ‘downstairs’ brain behaviours?

• Look at how this child has begun to develop an effective stress response system by using pro-social behaviours (social engagement system) to help overcome the stress caused by the mother not responding

• Can you see the root of all behaviour in this clip?

• Based on research by John Gottman (1997) in America

• CLIPS - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmsDTT3xgjo

• Research suggests it is a key to happy, resilient, and

well-adjusted children and young people • Emotion Coaching is helping children and young

people to understand the different emotions they experience, why they occur, and how to handle them

What is Emotion Coaching?

“Much of today’s popular advice ignores the world of emotions. Instead, it relies on child-rearing theories that address the children’s behaviour, but disregard the feelings that underlie that behaviour” (Gottman, 1997)

Emotion coaching style

STEP 1

Recognising, empathising, validating the feelings and labelling them

STEP 2 (If needed)

Setting limits on behaviour

STEP 3

Problem-solving with the child/young person

What this means in practice

The steps

• Teaching children/ young people about the world of emotion ‘in the moment’

• Giving children strategies to deal with ups and downs

• Accepting all emotions as normal

• Using moments of undesirable behaviour as opportunities for teaching

• Building trusting and respectful relationships with children/ young people

Emotion coaching involves

To empathize

To read others’ emotions and social cues

To control impulses (Self-sooth and self-regulate)

To delay gratification

To motivate themselves

To cope with life’s ups and downs

(Be resilient)

To pay attention!

Lessons learnt

*CLIP - Disapproving

•Disapproves of negative emotions – Viewed as

a sign of weakness, lack of control, unconstructive

• Lacks empathy, noticeably critical and intolerant

•Tries to get rid of negative emotions via discipline, reprimand, punishment

•Focuses on the behaviour rather than the emotions generating the behaviour

•More likely to view negative emotional displays as a form of manipulation, lack of obedience, sign of bad character

•Often motivated by need to control and regain power and/ or to ‘toughen up’ child

Disapproving style

*CLIP – Dismissing

•Despite good intentions (Wants to make child feel

better) but is uncomfortable with negative emotions

•Views negative emotions as toxic and so must be

‘got over quickly’

•Considers paying attention to such emotions will make them worse, prolong them

•Tries to stop negative emotions by reducing/ minimising/ making light of their importance/ significance

e.g. It’s no big deal, don’t worry about it, be a big girl, that’s life, you’ll be fine

•Often motivated by need to rescue and make things better, fix the problem, e.g. Have a biscuit, I’ll buy a new one, You need to do this

•Focuses on getting rid of the emotion with logic or distraction rather than understanding the feelings

Dismissing style

“It works so it must be good!” BUT the actual message is…..

•What you are feeling is not right, your assessment of the problem is

wrong, you must not feel this way

•Child does not learn to trust own feelings affecting decision-making

•Not given opportunities to experience emotions and deal with them

effectively so grow up unprepared for life’s challenges

•Not given opportunities to self-regulate or problem-solve

•Can lead to suppression of natural emotions, less or lack of self-

regulation, reliance on distraction to get rid of emotion

•Generates more negative feelings - Resentment, guilt, shame, anger

What we think about disapproving/ dismissing messages sent to child

*CLIP – Emotion Coaching

•We all have feelings and need to recognize them in ourselves as well as others

•We are not alone and we are accepted, supported, valid, cared about, understood, trustworthy and respected – This is then returned

•We are empowered and it’s safe to engage in problem-solving

•All feelings are normal but need to be regulated and expressed constructively

•Problems and conflicts can be resolved

peacefully!

Emotion coaching messages

• In pairs, look at each scenario and select those responses which reflect an Emotion Coaching response

• You can select more than one response

• Which aspects reflect a Dismissing or Disapproving response?

Activity: What would an emotion coach do?

• Watch the clip of a practitioner doing emotion coaching

• Can you identify any of the 3 steps?

• Can you think of an incident where you have used emotion coaching?

Activity: What would an emotion coach do?

• ‘I can see that you get angry when that happens. I would feel angry if that happened to me. It’s normal to feel like that.’

• ‘You look like you’re frowning and your hands are all tight and clenched . I would be feeling like that too if I didn’t want to do something.’

• ‘I think you might be feeling fed up about not being able to play football now. I know that’s not nice for you.’

• ‘I wonder if you’re not feeling ok about that. ‘

Examples

Emotion coaching scripts

• State the boundary limits of acceptable behaviour

• Make it clear certain behaviours cannot be accepted

• But retain the child’s self-dignity (Crucial for responsive behaviour and well-being)

Step 2 Setting limits (If needed)

• ‘These are the rules that we have to follow. Doing that is not ok.’

• ‘We can’t behave like that even though you are feeling annoyed because it is not safe.’

• ‘You didn’t put the ball away as we agreed. You’re probably angry that you can’t play with Billy now because you have to stop now.’

Emotion coaching scripts

Step 2: Examples

• When the child is calm and in a relaxed, rational state:

– Explore the feelings that give rise to the behavior/problem/incident

– Scaffold alternative ideas and actions that could lead to more appropriate and productive outcomes

– Empower the child to believe s/he can overcome difficulties and manage feelings/behaviour

Step 3: Problem-solving with the child

• ‘This is not a safe place to be angry. Let’s go to a safe place and then we can talk.’

• ‘Next time you’re feeling like this, what could you do? How do you think you will react next time or if this happens again.’

• ‘What might help you calm down next time you feel like this?’

• ‘You need to decide what to do about this. You can either do this or you can do that….. Which would you like to do?’

Emotion coaching scripts

Step 3: Examples

KNOWING WHAT TO SAY

• Choose a scenario and work out what you would say for each step – Making scripts

Activity: Making scripts

Achieve more academically in school

Are more popular

Have fewer behavioural

problems

Have fewer infectious illnesses

Are more emotionally

stable

Are more resilient

(Gottman et al, 1997)

Emotion coached children

Proportion of positive to negative responses on Exit

Questionnaire by conceptual relevance

Note. N = 127

“it provides consistency

and scaffolding to structure

the way to deal with

behaviour, from the adult’s

point of view as well as the

child’s”.

“It helps us cool down

while we collect our

thoughts and I now

shout less!”,

“It gives them (the

children) choices and a

way out of a difficult

situation without

confrontation”.

Case Study Secondary School Behaviour

n= 1350

Rose et al, 2015)

Emotion coaching recognises that EQ is more important than IQ

THE END