Sheepish duck

Volume 3

2

Cover drawing by

Eli Kelley

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Contents

Advertisements 4 Magnificent Advice 5-6 I Review the World 7 Strange Creatures 8, 9 Right Here In Jail 9 Things on my Mind 10 A Deep Thought 11 A True But Little Known Fact 12 Chickens vs. Barrington 13 Things I Want to Do 14 Interesting Interview 15 Badder, Bad, OK, Good 17 Logic 18 Household Objects Go Rogue 20 Dream House 21 Novonyms 22-23 Dr. Wisteria/The Barrington Beat 24 The Chain 25 Strange Creatures 26-27 Coming Soon! 28 Short Story 29 Food Stuff 30-36 Poetry by People 37-54 Fake Poll 55 3 More Poems & 1 Cartoon 58 Contributors 64-65

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Magnificent Advice

by Dr. Magnificent

Dear Dr. Magnificent,

Why can’t people grow plums on people?

Signed,

Plummed Out

Dear Plummed,

This is ridiculous! That is not asking of advice!

Therefore, I am not answering your question. I think

you should have a mental check with a doctor. Tell

someone about your thoughts. They need to know

how sane you are. You know what? I’m calling the

hospital right now. Good-bye.

Sincerely,

Dr. Magnificent

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Who is Dr. Magnificent?

OK. You all have begged and begged for information

from Dr. Magnificent (me), for I am the most perfect

man in the world. (Best artist, best author and best cat

hair dresser. These are only hobbies in my awesome

life.)

Well, I have my diet caviar with mango, special

breakfast, served to me by my butler, Coverlie.

My spa date is in 5 minutes, so ta-ta.

Sincerely,

Dr. Magnificent

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I REVIEW The WORLD

The Tooth Fairy

By The Person Writing This

Hi, this is The Person Writing This. Today I will tell you

what I think of the Tooth Fairy. Is the Tooth Fairy

using disappearing leprechaun gold instead of a dollar

bill? Recent undercover spies say yes. Strange

shipments have been coming in from the leprechauns’

gold mine, suggesting Mrs. Fairy is in cahoots with

them. Children across the world are complaining of

disappearing dollar bills. The Tooth Fairy has admitted

to changing currency of gold to bills, but nothing else.

The final word from spies is that she is using

leprechaun gold. It disappeared as soon as our spy

waved a glitter-plant scanner over it. When we

brought it up to the Tooth Fairy, she went delirious

and started screaming about the state of the economy. She is

now in a coma under strict supervision.

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Jessica Wan

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By Mr. 17053

Right here in jail I’m going to kill time

by looking at a picture of a stack of

candy that’s HUGE with all colors.

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Things on my mind

Scissors should be pronounced skizzirs

People bowing to a giant kitty

Bamboo in a tuxedo

Tiny monsters holding pencils in their

teeth

Glitter plants STILL aren’t sold every where

Stars are bright

Monkeys are fun

Teeth can be a nuisance

It smells like ham

Harrumph

Fun with purple

Girls shouldn’t wear ties

I like llamas

The cookie timer is going off

OMG! The cookie timer is going off!

Kerry Eller

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A Deep Thought By Mr. 17053

One day I went to school and had a math

test.

Jessica Wan

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ren’t we a happy American country?

If so, then why do Presidents frown

in their portraits? A true but little

known fact: In the National Presidential Portrait

Gallery, nine out of sixty pictures have smiling

presidents!

Kerry Eller

A

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When she was little, my Mom had chickens.

So that inspired me, so I said, “Mom, can we

get chickens?”

“That’s a good idea,” she said.

So we called the Town Hall of Barrington

because we didn’t know if getting chickens

was allowed.

“We’re having a vote in April,” they said.

“Why do we have to wait until April?” I said.

My Mom said, “It’s their choice. I’m sorry.”

Dear Reader: The next chapter is called THE VOTE.

Chickens vs.

BARRINGTON!

By Ben Freiman

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Things I want to do

Climb a mountain

Pat a duck

Sky dive

Own a library

Be fluent in 5 languages

See teeth out of someone’s mouth

Fly

Meet 30 different authors

See a duck in a tuxedo

Read 50,000 books in my lifetime

Watch a duck fly

Figure out why you can’t turn lights on in

the car

Reverse global warming

Find a beavecoon

Eat 90 different types of cookies

Hug a salamander

Have a conversation with a cow

Sing, hum and whistle without family

yelling

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Interesting interview In which we ask people to answer our questions

Kendall Jones: How interesting is it possible for a catfish to

be?

Brenda: Not very, unless he is rainbow.

KJ: Bing?

Brenda: Boom.

KJ: What would you do if you had no pie, no gum,

no clothes, and Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber were

in a fight over a mic?

Brenda: I would cry.

KJ: What if you’re rusty?

Brenda: I would run to Canada.

KJ: Do you shower on T-shirts?

Brenda: On Sundays.

KJ: How do you feel? You are the first one to finish, next to

Oprah. You weren’t supposed to get this far.

Brenda: I feel like I could eat a banana.

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Donkey

Poop Curling Cows Aliens

Smoking Having a

bald spot Surgeries Sushi

Superman Getting shot Cereal Erasers

Dinosaur

vomit Paranoia Coats Movies

Murderers Kleptomania Trading

cards Burritos

Depression Santa

Sicko

toddlers

with knives

Tom Brady

Chicken

butt Vandalism Bacon Audi A8

Kidnappers Stainless

Steel doors Watermelon Candy

The name

Bob Doritos

Video

Games

Jack Killilea

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LOGIC By Dylan Ingham

3-2-11

Nothing of the purple hedgehog. Breaking goo!

Cactuses just called war on honks? …To-be-Contin-u-

ed! Donkeys are superior to caterpillars, yet donkeys

are kind to their unsuperiors. Now, if caterpillars were

taught poetry, they would doom donkeys! Cussin!

Wussin! Thing-a-ma-bob! Yargma-Jargma-Fargme-

woo! But, nothing of the purple hedgehog.

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HOUSeHOLD

OBJECTS

GO ROGUE

ight blub = it has sunglasses and a bowtie

Refrigerator = hula skirt and rainbow

tentacles shooting out

Kitchen counter = every time you enter the kitchen

it leaves a message for you

Duct tape = changes color to your mood

Duck = gives advice every 30 seconds

Jewelry = you think of the piece that you want and

it will hop to your body

Kerry Eller

L

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Novonyms

arthroscope: visual joint exam

craniary: relating to the skull

clandure: the condition of being close

terrasophic: land that has wisdom

servosity: to keep fullness

semiosis: half diseased

octaopia: eight eye defects

novonym: new word

facy: quality of making

chlorohood: the condition of being green

harruma: to tell of swelling

mitology: the science of letting go

idioid: resembling peculiarness

hemoid: resembling blood

dyness: state of power

decar: a person who is ten

crasspathy: feeling thick

zoonym: the word of animal life

cotyliatric: the cup of healing practice

heteroness: the quality of being different

hydraholic: one with an obsession of moisture

gastrlith: stomach fossil

gradlog: to step next to speech

staily: in what manner of standing

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spirile: capable of breathing

spiciasis: to look at a diseased condition

maxlog: the greatest speech

cryptoholic: the secret of obsession

candisium: a place of glowing

Kerry Eller

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Dr. Wisteria saw the Mona Lisa in person and discussed the

penalties of this crime with her. Meanwhile, Mr. Backward

looked at the Mona Lisa with two keen eyes and found

fingerprints. The analysis began. The two suspects, Ted &

Ted, are twins. They are identical. As the world searches, we

watch & wait.

Mustache on the Mona Lisa D r . w i s t e r i a & M r . B a c k w a r d o n t h e c a s e

Eli Kelley

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Introducing:

The Chain! An awesome band

Sometimes guitar, drummer & singer: Eli

Eli has a frog named Frogo and two kittens.

Guitarist: Henry

Henry has orange hair with a bikini and he rocks.

Pianist: Davis

Davis is a baseball dude with lots of talent singing.

Small instrument player and singer: Ben

Ben is a weirdo with brown curly hair and an awesome

personality with band talent.

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COMING SOON!

Dr. Exanoid A Novella by Evan Stabach

“A literary masterpiece.” Ron Charles, The Washington Post

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Blue Chicken

rt thou chicken blue? Why do people yearn

for the dead chicken, un-skinned? Why does

blue have to be blue? Why can’t chicken by

blew? Why doesn’t blue chicken stink like blue

cheese? Who likes blue chicken? It totally stinks (no

offense to the fat, juicy chicken) because he totally

humiliates the Thanksgiving dinner table.

Why do you have to debone it? Isn’t that greatly

stupid that you yearn for a fresh scent of mango in

the air, while bearing the smell of blue chicken! Why

can’t it be Justin Beaver? Why does it have to be blue

chicken at the Thanksgiving table? Why not the blew

chicken? Why does it have to be turkey?

It is turkey at the Thanksgiving table!

A

By Eli Kelley

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Baking Lemons

I can hear it, smell it, and taste it.

Baking lemons.

That’s all I can think about when I look.

Baked Lemons:

lemons

brown sugar

silicone baking mat

You sprinkle lemons on the silicone baking

mat. Next, you powder the brown sugar over

the lemons. Oven to 300. Bake until sugar is

melted and syrupy. Cool for 30 minutes or

until cooled.

Kendall Jones

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How To Make Bacon Guacamole

By Ben Frieman

Do you know how to make Bacon Guacamole?

Well, it’s your lucky day. I will teach you

how to make Bacon Guacamole.

You need:

1. 3 avocados, mashed

2. 1 clove of garlic, minced

3. 2 pieces of bacon, cooked

4. 3 limes, juiced

Cut up the bacon

and mix it up with

the other ingredients.

Now you have made

Bacon Guacamole.

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Recipe #1 Recipe #2

1 part vinegar 1/20 mustard

2 parts mustard 1/20 red wine vinegar

7 parts hot sauce 2/20 salad

2 parts crushed potato chips 5/20 milk

1 part croutons 3/20 yogurt

1 part pureed celery & carrots 1/20 cheese

2 parts mayo 3/20 dough

3 parts butter 1/20 pizza sauce

2 parts pureed cheese pizza 2/20 anchovies

1 part gummy bears

Put in blender. Mix well and drink.

Hit puree. Get out of school.

Drink.

Get out of school.

(Sheepish duck not liable for anything bad.)

Kendall Jones

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Hannah Kirchner

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Mrs . Cook’s poem

Mrs. Cook always cooks.

Every second, minute, hour and day.

The only time she doesn’t cook

is on Monday, Tuesday, and Friday.

Mrs. Cook can never stop talking.

Every day she goes “Blah, blah, blah.”

Mrs. Cook is short and round.

She always thinks she’s tall and skinny.

But she so is not like that.

And she…

TO BE CONTINUED…

Jessica Wan

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Fun Dip

Ingredients: Sugar

Nothing else.

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&

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I Want One Free!

I want one free.

Yes free, as you can

See, I want one

Free, inside me

Something says,

I WANT ONE

FREE!

Yes free! FREE!

Jessica Wan

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Not About Darth Vader Pen

The pen isn’t brown

nor orange nor pink.

It’s not #002 in series 7.

It’s not a pen with a cap.

It’s not wearing a tuxedo

or saying things that aren’t

too good to say out loud.

And it is not using a porcupine

as a self-defense weapon.

And…

it isn’t using pink and purple

glitter ink.

Sam Trachtenberg

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4th Grade

It’s about

pretty much

not

Kendall Jones

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There are paintings in this room.

They are not wearing clothes.

They are not very colorful.

They are not walking.

They are not alive.

They are not alive to me.

They are not alive to anyone.

They are not alive to the painter.

They are not shaped like pigs.

They are not pigs.

They are not colored like pigs.

They are not pigs.

They are not alive.

They are not moving.

They are not.

Not.

Hannah Kirchner

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In my mom’s closet,

her shoe collection.

All are black.

None are yellow lace polka dot,

or imprints of Pikachu,

or beaded explosives.

None are turquoise with purple pens,

or spilled white ink,

or made of duct tape.

None have plastic wraps of choo pillows,

or yellow banana foods,

or gory pus from the bloating of paper.

Only one is red and not made of leather,

with gold explosive embellishments.

Kendall Jones

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I have baseball lipstick.

It’s not black as a tuxedo,

Or pink, purple, brown, yellow,

red, green, or grey.

What could it be?

It’s eye black.

Ben Frieman

There are not people who fly,

who soar in rainbow clouds,

who eat biscuits and drink tea

while sitting on a cloud,

who know terrasophic,

who have arthroscopes.

There aren’t people

who talk to cows,

who milifiank,

who plug themselves into outlets.

Well, there possibly are.

But they be strange.

Kerry Eller

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45

Not Poem

Picture frames

are not pigs,

U.F.O.s,

doves, dragons,

or a plasma screen TV.

Or anything else

in the world

except

picture frames.

Jack Killilea

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:

Variations on

the MACARONIC*

* Poems that mix languages

by using text from

two very different places.

For example

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Roasted Lamb Circuits

A traditional meal

is to roast lamb and

install new circuits.

Watch out for the spark.

Terminal Vanilla Lemon Tarts

The metal tabs connecting

the screw terminals

which go well with

one tablespoon of lemon juice

and a bottle of vanilla.

Smelly, but good tasting.

Radioactive Chocolate

If you are working by yourself,

Adjust the radio to a high volume

So it will explode.

The pieces that are left

Can be flavored with chocolate.

Evan Stabach

Text: Wiring 1-2-3 + The Joy of Cooking

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Egypt’s economy

Should be removed

With a dull knife

And sprayed with

Detergent.

Pakistani arms

Need thorough grooming

At least once a week.

Apply conditioner and

Again rinse thoroughly.

Don’t forget to

Check the nails!

Henry Johnson

Text: The New York Times + The Field Guide to

Stains

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One

epithalamium! (A poem celebrating a marriage.)

tv

Orange and Yellow.

The perfect color for the perfect pair.

As they kissed, static lit up the air.

A new couple was born.

Anonymous

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the

Maxity

Series

maxity: (n.)a person who’s

the greatest

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Maxity

Who ever doesn’t love their self?

Boys love girls and girls love boys.

(eventually)

It’s a stupid concept.

Well,

Maxity is a very weird word.

It sounds like a name.

Maxwell, Max, Maximillion, or Maxity.

Everyone loves their self.

Even me.

I love me.

I heart me.

I have everything

A person needs

To have.

That is maxity!

I am Mr. Maxity!

Eli Kelley

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Maxity:

A person who’s the greatest

is the best description of

me.

When I talk to others,

I say,

“I be Maxity”

and they ask what that means.

I, of course, reply

that it means

me.

Kerry Eller

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Maxity

I am great.

Very great.

I am very, very, very, very

great.

Me.

Me,

The greatest person.

In the city?

In the state?

In the country?

In the continent?

Or in the world?

Evan Stabach

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Maxity 1

Who is the greatest?

I can’t show you, but I can give you clues…

It is a he.

He has gray hair and he lives in an apartment.

He was born in 1935.

Who could he be?

Grandpa

Maxity 2

Who is the greatest?

I will give you clues…

It is a she.

She dyed her hair and lives in an apartment.

She was born in 1940.

Who could it be?

Grandma

Maxity 3

Maxity 3 is a she.

She lives with me.

She was born in 1967.

She has three kids that are 9, 11 and 14.

Who could it be?

Mom

Ben Frieman

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FAKE POLL

We asked 2,000,001 people what they think of hair.

70 people thought that hair was useful as a

peanut butter jar.

1,000,000 people did not know what hair is.

20 people had blue hair.

10 people had zero hair, but had screws (on a dare,

they shaved their heads and drove screws into their

heads.)

900 people thought bananas were T-shirts.

1 person thought of pie.

On our next fake poll we will ask:

Do you have a tuna casserole where your soul is?

I wonder what that place is called. The soul hole?

Also, I wonder where it is. In the back of your heart?

Kendall Jones

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This page is blank on purpose.

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And so… He died from looking at his wife.

H

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2 more poems and 1

cartoon

I don’t want to know…

That the sky is blue.

That I’m a human being.

I don’t want to know…

That I am a girl.

And that I am done with this poem.

Jessica Wan

C

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C o t y l I a t r I c

Cotyliatric—the cup of healing practice

Also known as the holy grail.

People waste their lives looking

for the cotyliatric.

But none will ever find it.

I shall tell you the secret,

So you aren’t one of those people.

I will tell you my secret.

The Cotyliatric Isn’t real

Because I made it up.

Kerry Eller

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This is PAGE 62.

63

Dylan Ingham

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Benjamin Freiman is in

third grade. He is in a

band called "The Chain"

with five members.

Eli Kelley/Dr. Wisteria is a

3rd grader at Nayatt

School. When he's not

creating funny stories

with Bri and the gang, he

can be found playing

guitar, drums and singing

for his new band "The

Chain."

am Dylan Paul Ingham, 10

years old, and I believe in

talking Meese (a fake

plural word for "moose").

My favorite animals are

fennec foxes, wombats,

good tempered warthogs,

porpoises, tigers, panda

and desmans. I am.....me.

Jack Killilea is in 4th

grade

and wants to be a

historian. His dad cuts his

hair.

Sophie Liu moved away

and we are sad about it.

Kerry Eller / The Person

Writing This goes to

Barrington Middle School.

She has these wonderful

things called parents – do

you have any? - two of

them!!

Evan Stabach is in 4th

grade. He is adventurous

and fast, and he likes

skiing, swimming and

stories.

Kendall Jones is in 4th

grade. She has brown hair

that hangs down straight

and hazel eyes. Bubble

letters are her favorite

way to write, and she has

a cat named Matilda, a

Mom and Dad, and a

younger sister.

Sam Trachtenberg/ Mr.

17053 is in 4th grade and

likes video games and

CONTRIBUTORS

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reading. He also likes to

goof around with his

friends.

Jessica Wan is a 3rd

grader. She likes writing and doodling. She likes drawing things such as dragons.

Hannah Kirchner / Dr.

Magnificent is in 5th

grade.

She likes ice cream and she

babysits four times a week.

Her ancestors are from

Germany.

Risa Wan enjoys writing art, and reading. She also loves animals and fantasy. Although she is only 12, Risa

plans on going to art school when she grows up.

EDITORS

Bri Johnson is teaching herself how to write poetry and short stories. She is a librarian. Brenna Morton is a senior

at the MET High School in

Providence. She likes corn

muffins and books. Bye

forever.

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Thank you for reading

Sheepish Duck!

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Barrington Public Library

281 County Road

Barrington, Rhode Island

02806

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