HI I MADE THIS ZINE ISNT IT GREAT. IT WILL PROBABLY SAVE YOUR LIFE AND ITS PACKED FULL OF FUN STUFF AS WELL. ITS GOT A PROFFESIONALS GUIDE TO WRITING A C.V., SOME SEXY DRAWINGS, CONSPIRICY THEORY CORNER, POETRY AND LOADS MORE (not really much more) READ IT IF YOU LIKE BUT IF YOU DONT WANT TO THATS OK TOO. I UNDERSTAND, THE GREAT DEPRESSION HAS GOT YOU DOWN, THE STRUGGLE ISNT WORTH IT, ITS ALL TOO MUCH, THE WORLD IS FUTILE, ITS ALL GOING TO END SOON ANYWAY...

the self help zine guide to: writing a CV

yes times are hard, yes there’s no money left in the world, and

yes you can only get a half gram at the weekend when really

you'd like two.

but why are you so poor? is it the current economic crisis? are

you a loser? will you never achieve your hopes and dreams in

life? will you have to keep pretending those beat up trainers

are some kind of statement?

well, if you like i can answer all of these stupid questions.

yes.

you want me to?

ok then.

Its because you have such a shit job...

how do you expect to be drinking champagne out of a prostitutes

vag on a tuesday night or be wearing some limited edition cap

that you can only get in japan if youre only pulling 12g a year?

well here’s the headline. you can't. and that’s why you’re a

fucking loser.

and now you've read how completely fucking right i am let’s try

and give you a little hand getting that well paid job you always

wanted...

THE LO-DOWN:

first and foremost the golden rule with CV writing (and also to

some extent in life) is not to seem like a suck up. no-one wants

to employ some desperate ass loser who obviously can’t get any

other job. so you gotta make them want you. Instead of using

section headlines like 'appropriate skills' try something more

like 'why you retards need me to work for you' or 'why you’re so

boring and i'm not' this will let the employer know that they,

need you, not vice versa.

ok, secondly make up as many qualifications you can possibly

think of and fill an entire page or two with them. obviously you

got top marks for everything you did, include everything from

the ten medals you won at sportsday when you were seven and

you’re doctorate in mathematical bio-psychotherapy (completely

made up subjects will make the person reading the CV feel even

more inadequate, and therefore more likely to realise the NEED

you to work for them) seriously, include everything. even the

knot tying badge you got at scouts/girl guides. (You never know

what a potential employer is going to like.)

next up previous experience. so what you gotta do now is get on

the inernet and find out a list of the best paid jobs in the

world. and guess what? how strange. you've done them all. so

list all of these from airplane pilot to being richard bransons

personal financial advisor. this should more than qualify you

for whatever stupid shit you're applying for.

okay, forth rule, more than anything, employers really want to

know about your personal life, because (under normal

circumstances i.e for douches that didn’t read this guide) there

will always be someone as qualified as you. so you gotta be as

comprehensive as possible, when completing the 'why i’m so

fucking awesome' sub-section of your CV think of how your

myspace profile used to look, things like including all of your

favourite bands in alphabetical order (also movies and TV

shows), which restaurants you regularly eat at, who your best

friends are, how much you drink of a weekend, how cool you think

your boyfriend/girlfriend is and most importantly, how long

you've been together, to the day. you really need to give an

employer a rounded view of your personality, and what better way

than this. also including a short essay concerning your

experiences so far of being an inhabitant of earth could really

help you out. if an employer wants you bad enough (and they

should by now) they will definitely have time to read it.

lastly for this issue you really really gotta show the employer

your softer, more artistic side, so as well as the semi-

professional semi-nude shots you should be using as the front

cover for your C.V package, why not draw a portrait of some

kind, subject doesn’t really matter but i’ve heard in

professional circles that a good watercolour of a cat can boost

chances of employment by around 40%. no shit, the cuter the

better. also take time to talk about your feelings and maybe

share an anecdote about times gone by. nothing is out of bounds,

maybe discuss a relative who passed away and how it made you

feel. tug on those heartstrings, remember you are the most

intriguing person that ever lived. make the reader care about

you more than their own child, wife, parents, whatever.

so there you have it. just a small puddle from my ocean

of knowledge, now you won’t be so much of a fuck up, you'll get

the job, screw the girl and save the world. all because of me.

hey it’s ok, you don’t have to thank me. just paypal half your

new wages to stevepenk@hotmail.com. that should do it.

further info at www.pen island.com

p,s, if you’re thinking of using any other font than comic sans

to type this shit in. forget about it.

adult nappies

i bought the water with a sports cap, because im too lazy to

unscrew the lid

i got the thing with a remote control, because im too lazy to

stand up and change it

i went shopping and bought a microwave meal, because im too

lazy to cook

i smoke tailor made cigarettes, because im too lazy to roll one

myself

i drive around all day looking at things in my car, because im

too lazy to walk around all day looking at things

every morning i drink around three cans of red bull, because

im too lazy to wake up,

ive switched to hessian sacks, because im too lazy to buy

trousers

i shaved off my real hair and bought myself a wig, because im

too lazy to brush my hair

i went out and got myself some adult nappies, because im too

lazy not to not shit myself.