MY DAD SLEEPS IN MY LIVING ROOM

"Pilot"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. BAR - DAY

JOE (30) and MASON (30) are seated at a bar and drinkingbeer.

MASONSo thats it? You two broke up?

JOESort of. I said wed still befriends.

MASONWhy the hell would you say that?

JOEBecause Tristas the kind of girlwho, if you just tell her, "I wantto break up," shell key your carand take a piss on the door handle.

MASONI though girls peeing on carsturned you on.

MASONI like Asian girls peeing on boats.And the point is, Trista is apsycho.

MASONI know. I knew it the second I mether.

JOEWell, why didnt you tell methat when I started dating her?

MASONI did.

JOEYou did?

MASONI mean, I didnt tell you directly.Because the last time I told one ofmy friends, "Your girlfriend is apsycho," I felt a little awkward afew months later, when I was at thewedding of said friend and saidpsycho.

2.

JOERight.

MASONThats why I told you everythingindirectly. You know. With, like,signs, subliminal messages, andjust, like, Paul Revere, one if byland, two if by sea stuff.

JOEYou flashed two lights at me totell me that Trista is a psycho?

MASONWell. I didnt flash lights. But, Isignaled to you. Like when we wentout on that double date at theChinese restaurant. Any time Tristasaid something bitchy or crazy, Ilooked at you and I rubbed my lefteye. Remember? I was rubbing my eyefor, like, half the night. I wassending you signals.

JOERight. Yeah. Any time I see my bestfriend rubbing himself like he haspink eye, I think, "I should breakup with my girlfriend."

MASONSo do you really plan on beingfriends with her?

JOEWell. Im going to her birthdayparty next week.

Mason starts rubbing his eye.

JOEDo you have pink eye?

MASONNo.

JOESo youre sending me a signal?

MASONYes.

3.

JOEAre you saying that the British arecoming?

MASONIm saying dont go to Tristasparty, and dont be her friend.

JOEI have to. If I just ignore her,she might key my car.

MASONIf youre friends with her, shewill shove a key up your ass. Orshell do something else of equalor greater insanity.

JOEI have a plan. Im gonna unfriendher the same way I stopped smokingcigarettes.

MASONYoure gonna use nasal spray andacupuncture?

JOENo. Im gonna do things step bystep, instead of cold turkey. Like,a month ago, I had a four pack aday relationship with Trista. But Ibecame more and more distant, and Igradually reduced it to two packs aday. Then I broke up with her, andturned it into a ten cigarette aday friendship. That was the hardpart. But now Ill just reduce ourfriendship by one cigarette a week.And over the course of ten weeks,well go from friendsto acquaintances to strangers,without her even noticing.

MASONI guarantee you that ten weeks fromnow, youre gonna be chained to herbathroom pipe while shes peeing onyour shoes.

JOENo. Im gonna do the gradual,secret downgrade thing. And also,

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4.

JOE (contd)from now on, Im only gonnadate non-psychos.

MASONAll women psychos, once you getpast the fifth date.

JOEWhat makes you such an expert onthe topic?

MASONUm. Have we met? My name is Mason,Im 30 years old, Ive beendivorced twice, and Ive beenengaged six times.

Joe starts rubbing his eye.

MASONAre you sending me a signal?

JOENo. My eye is itching.

INT. JOES APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Joe is sitting on the sofa. The doorbell rings. Joe opensthe door to reveal BILL (70) standing there with a suitcase.

BILLHi, son.

JOEUh. Hi, dad.

(looks at the suitcase)... Is that a suitcase?

BILL(looks at the suitcase)(looks back at Bill)

... Yes.

He picks up the suitcase and walks into the apartment.

JOEDid you just walk into my apartmentwith a suitcase?

5.

BILL(looks at the suitcase)(looks at himself)(looks around the apartment)(looks back at Bill)

... Yes.

JOEOne more question. Why did youwalk into my apartment with asuitcase?

BILLThats the best question youveasked so far. ... Do you have anygrapefruit juice?

JOEYes. Why did you walk into myapartment with a suitcase?

BILLThats a great question. ... Howsbusiness?

JOEGood. Why did you walk into myapartment with a suitcase?

BILLJoe. Can you please just ease thereigns a little? Dont interrogateme. Give me a chance to have somecontrol over this conversation.

JOEFine. Go ahead.

BILLThank you. So uh, how you doing?

JOEGood.

BILLHow about those 49ers?

JOEThey play football.

BILLExactly. Now, um, youre probablywondering why I walked into yourapartment with a suitcase.

6.

JOEWell. That thought did cross mymind. I mean, when some guy walksinto your apartment with asuitcase, theres a certain part ofyou that wants to know why hewalked into your apartment with asuitcase.

BILLRight. And since Im the guy whowalked into your apartment with asuitcase, I suppose I should be theone to tell you why I walked intoyour apartment with a suitcase.

JOEYes. That makes a lot of sense. Andsince Im the one who owns theapartment that you walked into witha suitcase, I should be the one wholistens to you tell me why youwalked into my apartment with asuitcase.

BILLRight.

Long pause.

JOEWell?

BILLWell what?

JOEWhy did you walk into my apartmentwith a suitcase?

BILLWell. You know, the darndest thinghappened. I ran out of money.

JOEWhat about Social Security?

JOEWell. You know, the darndest thinghappened. I ran up $32,000 incredit card debt that I need to payoff with my social security checks.

7.

BILLWell wheres your girlfriend?

JOEWell. You know, the darndest thinghappened. She died.

BILLOh. ... Sorry.

JOEWell. I was planning to break upwith her, anyways. So her death wasactually very timely for me. Mayshe rest in peace.

BILLUm. I have no idea how to respondto that.

JOERight. So hows your girlfriend?

BILLMy girlfriend? Uh--we broke up.Yeah. Shes still alive. I waswaiting for her to die, like yourgirlfriend--but she continued tolive. So I took her out for Indianfood, and I told her that I justwanted to be friends. ... So, uh,you have no money or girlfriend,and youre in my apartment with asuitcase.

BILLWell--yeah. But youre making itsound like that sums up chapter 15of my life story. I mean, theres alot more in that chapter.

JOELike what?

BILLLike last week, I went to Quiznos.

JOEAnd?

BILLAnd I had never been in a Quiznosbefore. Arbys, yes. Subway, yes.

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8.

BILL (contd)But Quiznos--never. Quiznos toastsits bread.

JOEWow. What a riveting story. It hada real twist ending, with thatwhole thing about toasted bread.

BILLYeah. Maybe one day Ill tell youabout the time I ordered a PapaJohns pizza. Well. Im gonna go tosleep in an hour. Which ones myroom?

Joe pulls out a sofa bed.

JOEYoure in it.

BILLGreat. Oh. One more thing. I dontwant to be a freeloader oranything. You know. I want to earnmy way. So, uh, can I have a job atyour store?

JOEUm. Maybe.

BILLGreat. I guess now Ill pour myselfa glass of grapefruit juice.

JOEAlright. But since you dont wantto be a freeloader, Im gonna haveto charge you $2 a glass.

BILL$2? What do you think this is--theRitz Carlton? I dont recall seeinga bellboy bring in my suitcase.

JOEFine. 20 cents a glass.

Joe takes a quarter out of his pocket and hands it to Joe.

BILLThere you go. Keep the change.

He takes out another quarter and hands it to Joe.

9.

BILLAnd get a glass for yourself, too.And keep the change again.

JOEUm. Dad. Since you have $32,000 incredit card debt, do you think youshould be spending your quarters sofrivolously?

BILLRelax. I have a job.

JOEI havent given you the job yet.

BILLOh. Well then give me my changeback.

INT. JOES HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Joe walks out of the bedroom wearing a t shirt and shorts,looking like he just got out of bed. He sees Bill doingPilates.

JOEUm. Good morning.

BILLGood morning.

JOEWhered you learn how to do that?

BILLMy dead girlfriend taught me. Whenshe was alive. May she rest inpeace. ... This here is Pilates.Try saying that, son. Pilates.

JOEPilates.

BILLVery good.

JOEIm surprised you know how to sayPilates.

10.

BILLWell. Im a very broad minded guy.I even know how to say vegancouscous.

JOEIs that what you eat nowadays?

BILLHell no. I eat bacon and grits,like a respectable American. I usevegan couscous to clean my carsfuel injector.

JOEBut you do Pilates every morning?

BILLYeah.

JOEThat doesnt sound like arespectable American exercise.

BILLIt makes you sweat. Sweat is themost respectable, most Americanthing there is. So, uh, when do weleave for work?

JOE9:45.

BILLHow can you open a pawn shop solate?

JOEWere open 24 hours. I haveemployees. And Im there from 10 to7. Except sometimes I get there atlike 11 or 12 or 1, and sometimes Ileave at like 6 or 5 or 4. Or 3 ifIm feeling tired, or I want to gethome in time for Judge Judy.

BILLIm surprised you even bothergetting out of bed, you lazybastard.

11.

INT. PAWN SHOP - DAY

CRISTOBAL (35, Salvadorian) is behind the counter. OneCUSTOMER is browsing through some items.

JOECristobal--this is my father, Bill.

Joe walks behind the counter.

CRISTOBALOh. Well, Mr. Thompson--its apleasure to meet you.

(to Joe)Is today "take your father to workday?"

JOEClose. Its "give your father ajob" day.

CRISTOBAL(rapid fire, without givingJoe a chance to interject)

A job? What job? My job? Are youtelling me Im fired? Youre firingme? Youve got a lot of nerve,coming in here, late for work asusual, and firing me, just becauseIm Mexican! Thats racialdiscrimination. Also, Im not evenMexican! News flash: Not allHispanic people are from Mexico.Geography lesson.

(points to a globe in thestore)

Look at that globe. Its a littleold, and it has the Soviet Unionand Czechoslovakia--but it also hasa country called El Salvador.

A MAN walks in holding two rooster sculptures.

JOEHey--how you doing?

MANIm broke. Im looking to sellthese rooster sculptures.

(puts the sculptures on thecounter)

I got them in the divorce. And mywife got the house.

12.

BILLWas your divorce lawyer FoghornLeghorn?

JOE(to Man)

Well. Um. My employee Cristobal cantake a look at your sculptures.Right--my employee Cristobal?

CRISTOBALWell. Uh.

(takes the sculptures andexamines them)(to Man)

It looks like they were made inMexico.

MANYeah.

CRISTOBAL(to Joe)

Oh. I see. You want the Mexican toexamine the Mexican collectiblesbefore you fire the Mexican. Youknow--as long as Im being Mexicanfor you, do you also want me to dothe traditional Mexican roostercrow? Huh? "Kikirik,ki-kiri-ki. Kikirik,ki-kiri-ki." How many times do Ihave to tell you that Im notMexican?

MAN(to Joe and Cristobal)

Should I come back later?

BILLNo. You should stick around andwatch the soap opera we got goingon here. I believe the Mexicanscall these "tele-novel-ies."

JOE(to Man)

Sorry about all this. Well be withyou in one second.

(to Cristobal)Look. Im not firing you. And youknow perfectly well that I neverthought you were Mexican. I even

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13.

JOE (contd)went to your house last year tocelebrate the El Salvadorianholiday dia de la Reina de la Pez

CRISTOBALIts Paz--not pez.

(grabs a Fred Flintstone Pezdispenser from a display case,and hold it up)

This is Pez. Fred Flintstone. $25.

JOEThe point is, no one thinks youreMexican.

MANRight. Youre not Mexican. Now howmuch are you gonna give me forthese Mexican roosters?

JOEWell be with you in one second,sir. Just hold your horses.

MANMy roosters.

JOERight. Hold your roosters.

(to Cristobal)The point is, no one thinks youreMexican. And no ones firing you.Now please make an offer on thismans roosters.

Cristobal once again examines the sculptures

CRISTOBALWell. Based on what I know aboutMexican roostercollectibles--which, Ill admit, isa lot--Id say these have awholesale value of $50.

JOE(to Man)

Alright. You heard the man. Hesone of the worlds foremost expertson Mexican rooster collectibles.$50.

14.

MANHow about $75?

CRISTOBALNot unless you throw in a couple ofMexican hens.

MANCome on. These are the real McCoy.Theyre like the Julio CaesarChavez of Mexican rooster statues.

CRISTOBAL$55.

MANDid you say you were ElSalvadorian? My wife is ElSalvadorian.

CRISTOBAL$55.

MANAnd Im also El Salvadorian. Dontlet my Southern accent fool you.How about $60, amigo?

CRISTOBALWell. We dont have any roosters instock.

Cristobal takes $60 out of the cash register.

CRISTOBALSo here you go, amigo. $60.

The man takes the money.

CRISTOBALSaludemos la patria orgullosos. Dehijos suyos podernos llamar. Yjuremos la vida animosos. Sindescanso a su bien consagrar.

MAN... Uh. Yeah. I agree. Tacos tastemuch better than chalupas. Adios,amigo.

The Man walks out of the store.

15.

JOEAlright, dad. Now, after we buysomething, we fill out a price tag.

(grabs a price tag and pen,and starts writing)

Vintage Mexican folk art. Roosterpottery sculpture. Price, uh...what do you think, dad?

BILLI think you should throw those tworoosters in the trash.

JOE$75. We paid $60 for the pair, andwere asking $75 each.

BILLIf someone actually pays $75 forthat rooster, Im gonna have topunch him in the face.

JOEListen, dad. You might not bewilling to pay $75 for a roosterlike this--but there are somepeople who would be glad to. Ifyoure gonna work in this business,you have to be open-minded enoughto see how one mans trash isanother mans treasure.

BILLIm very open minded. I doPilates--remember?

CRISTOBALYou do Pilates?

BILLSi, senor.

JOEGreat. So if youre opened mindedenough for Pilates, you can be openminded enough for this job.

BILLThe thing is, Pilates looks like alegitimate form of exercise, so Itreat it like a legitimate form ofexercise. As for this sculpture,it looks like a legitimate piece of

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16.

BILL (contd)trash, so I want to throw it in alegitimate trashcan.

INT. JOES HOME (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Joe is smoking a cigarette. He puts the cigarette in an ashtray, and he gets on the floor and imitates the Pilates movehe saw Bill doing earlier. The phone rings, and he gets it.

JOE(into phone)

Hello? ... Yeah. ... Who? ... Oh.OK. Its the second apartment onthe right.

He presses a button on the phone and hangs up.

Several seconds later, the doorbell rings. Joe opens thedoor to reveal ADELAIDE (70).

ADELAIDEHi. You must be Joe.

JOEYes.

Bill walks out of the bathroom or bedroom and into theliving room. He notices Adelaide.

BILLUh...

ADELAIDEHi, Bill.

Bill looks out the window.

ADELAIDEWhat--are you gonna climb out thewindow?

BILLNo.

Joe walks over to the window and shuts it.

BILLAdelaide. Uh. How did you knowwhere to find me?

17.

ADELAIDEI called your ex-wife, and she toldme.

BILLGreat. The next time you talk toher, tell her to mind her ownbusiness.

(to Joe)Why did you tell your mother I washere?

JOEWell. I didnt realize you werepart of the witness protectionprogram.

BILLJoe. This is my, uh, friend. MissJohnson.

ADELAIDEIm his girlfriend. AdelaideJohnson.

JOE(to Bill)

Is she the rest in peacegirlfriend?

ADELAIDERest in peace?

BILLExcuse us for a second.

Bill leads Joe to the bedroom.

INT. JOES APARTMENT (BEDROOM) - DAY

JOEYou lied about your girlfrienddying?

BILLNo. What I meant to say was thatwhen I was with her, she made mewish I were dead.

JOEWhy would you lie to me about herdying?

18.

BILLWell. See, the thing is, I figuredif I told you the actual story ofwhat happened between me and her,you wouldnt be so eager to give mea room and a job.

JOEAnd whats the actual story?

BILLWell. First of all, Adelaide is apsycho. And, uh, I didnt know thatuntil recently. After she moved inwith me. So I left.

JOEDead. You cant just leave a womanlike that, cold turkey. You have tobreak up with her step-by-step.Its a three month long process.

BILLI didnt just take off. I left hera note.

ADELAIDE (O.S.)(calls out from the otherroom)

Im waiting.

BILL(to Joe)

Um. Follow me.

He walks back to the living room, and Joe follows him.

INT. JOES APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

ADELAIDESo?

BILLUh. You know what? How about thethree of us go to a public place,like Quiznos, and we discuss all ofthis there, over some delicioussandwiches?

ADELAIDEWe can discuss everything here. AndI dont see why your son has to getinvolved.

19.

JOEUm. Ill just step out for a while.

BILLNo. Stay. Its your apartment.

ADELAIDEMaybe he should go.

BILLThis is his apartment, and hesstaying. If you want to talk to meone on one, you can do it atQuiznos, or any other public placewith lots of people present.

ADELAIDEFine! Whatever!

BILLSo. Did you read my note?

ADELAIDEYes. It said, "I went out to getsome air. Ill be back in a fewyears."

BILLListen. Uh. Youre great. But Imjust not, um, Im not the right guyfor you. You know. You and Philipare a perfect fit for each other.You should get back together withhim.

ADELAIDEBill. You have three more monthsleft on your apartment lease.

BILLUm. Well. You and my apartment area perfect fit for each other. Youshould live there, and pay rent forthe next three months. WithPhillip.

ADELAIDESo youre sticking me with yourapartment and your lease?

BILLHey. Im letting you keep all ofthe furniture.

20.

ADELAIDEYou were renting a furnishedapartment! The furniture isntyours.

BILLWell. What about all the napkinsand the salt and pepper shakers?Those are mine--and Im letting youhave them.

ADELAIDEWell. You know what? Your apartmentisnt fully furnished. I mean, itcould use another lamp.

She unplugs a lamp, picks it up, and puts it by the door.

ADELAIDEOh. And a backup toilet plunger.

She goes into the bathroom, walks out with a toilet plunger,and puts it down next to the lamp.

ADELAIDEAnd, lets see.

She opens a drawer, looks inside, and then takes out theentire drawer.

ADELAIDEA drawer.

She puts the drawer next to the toilet plunger.

JOEUh. Dad. Can I have a word with youin the bedroom for a moment?

(to Adelaide)Excuse us.

Joe walks Bill over to the bedroom.

INT. JOES APARTMENT (BEDROOM) - DAY

BILLSo. What did you want to talkabout?

JOEWell, how about the fact that yourgirlfriend seems to think this is a

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21.

JOE (contd)department store where everythingis 100% off?

BILLSon. Just let her take a fewthings.

JOEWhat?

BILLIll pay for them. Put them on mytab.

JOEDad. What are you talking about?

BILLIm talking about relationships.Sometimes if you want to break upwith a woman, you have to let hertake your furniture.

JOENo. You dont. Thats not how tobreak up with a woman. Youresupposed to do it step by step, soshe wont really notice.

The doorbell rings.

JOEWho the hell could that be?

He walks out of the bedroom...

INT. JOES APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

...and through the living room. He opens the front door toreveal TRISTA (28).

JOEUh. Hi, Trista.

TRISTA(notices Bill and Adelaide)

Oh. You have company.

JOEYeah. Uh. This is my father Bill,and his friend Adelaide.

22.

(to Bill and Adelaide)This is my friend Trista.

BILLHi.

TRISTAHi.

JOEUh. How did you get into mybuilding?

TRISTAWith a key.

JOEBut you gave me back the key to mybuilding.

TRISTAWell. I had a backup copy.

ADELAIDEWhat a coincidence. I just got abackup plunger.

TRISTAOK. Uh...

(to Joe)Can I come in?

JOEWell. Were kind of in the middleof something.

TRISTAI just want to talk to you for asecond.

JOEUh. OK. Ill talk to you out there.(referring to the outdoor hall /courtyard)

TRISTAIts a private conversation.

JOEFine. Well go in my bedroom.

23.

TRISTAOK.

Trista walks in.

The window is open, and Bill is about to climb out. Joenotices him.

JOEDad. Can you do me a favor and notclimb out the window?

BILLOh. I wasnt climbing out thewindow. I was just, uh, gettingsome air.

ADELAIDEYeah. You do seem to like gettingair.

(to Trista)So how long have you two beendating?

TRISTAWe actually just broke up.

ADELAIDEI see. Did he break up with you byleaving you a note?

TRISTANo. As a matter of fact, werestill friends.

ADELAIDE(to Bill)

You hear that, Bill? Theyre stillfriends. You, on the other hand,are trying to climb out of awindow.

BILLYou, on the other hand, are tryingto take my sons toilet plunger.

ADELAIDEYou, on the other hand, are tryingto make me pay three months rent onyour apartment.

24.

TRISTA(to Joe)

You, on the other hand, are animmature asshole!

JOEWhat do you mean "me on the otherhand?" How did "I on the otherhand" enter this equation?

TRISTAJoe--Im just saying. How are yougonna break up with me at an Indianrestaurant, two weeks before mybirthday?

JOEUm. I dont know. Was I supposed tobreak up with you at a Chipotle onGroundhog Day?

TRISTANo. You werent supposed to breakup with me, period.

BILL(to Joe)

Hows that step by step thingworking out for you, Joe?

JOETrista--I told you. You and me--wedont have boyfriend-girlfriendchemistry. Thats why we should befriends.

TRISTAWell. If Im your friend, then howabout you let me

(points to a pair of sneakerson the floor)

borrow these shoes, friend?

JOEYou want my shoes?

TRISTAI mean, youre giving

(points to Adelaide)her your toilet plunger, and shesnot even your friend.

25.

JOEWho said Im giving her my toiletplunger?

BILLI believe

(points to Adelaide)she said that.

JOE(to Trista and Adelaide)

Would you two excuse us for asecond?

Joe leads Bill to the bedroom.

INT. JOES APARTMENT (BEDROOM) - DAY

BILLHows it going?

JOEOK.

BILLSo what did you want to talk to meabout?

JOEGuess.

BILLHow about them 49ers?

JOEHow about my toilet plunger? Whydid you date such a crazy woman?

BILLWhy did you date such a crazywoman?

JOEI dont know.

BILLNeither do I.

JOEBut you should know.

26.

BILLWhy?

JOEBecause, you know. Im in my 30s,youre in your 70s. Im young anddumb. Youre mature and wise.

BILLIm mature and wise? You do realizethat yesterday, I moved in with myson because I was unemployed and$33,000 in debt?

JOEThats true. So, uh, what should wedo?

BILLWell.

Bill opens a window.

BILLWe should climb out the window.

JOEYou think thats a good idea?

BILLYes. But Im mature and dumb. Whywould you listen to me?

JOERight. Good point.

BILLYou know what? Heres some wisdomIve picked up over the years. Whenyoure trying to come up with agood idea, sometimes it helps tojust think about something else fora while. You know. You change thesubject for a few seconds, and thenlater, you go back to the firstsubject, and the good ideas comeup. So lets change the subject andtalk about something else for a fewseconds.

JOELike what?

27.

BILLWell. Lets see. Um. How about yourroosters?

JOEWhat about them?

BILLThey havent sold yet.

JOEWell. In the pawn shop business,items usually dont sell the secondyou buy them. You have to wait foryour eggs to hatch.

BILLRoosters dont lay eggs.

JOEThey do when theyre vintageMexican roosters.

BILLOK. Now lets revisit the originalsubject of how to deal with ourex-girlfriends. And lets see if wecome up with some ideas.

JOEAlright. ... Um. ... Do you haveany ideas?

BILL... Yes. Heres a good one. Letsclimb out the window.

JOEDad. Thats the same idea you hadbefore we started talking about myroosters.

BILLYeah. But now it sounds like aneven better idea. Wait. Actually,now I have another idea.

(starts making his way to thedoor)

Follow me.

JOEUm. I think Id be better offclimbing out the window.

28.

BILLFollow me.

They walk back to the living room.

BILLSo. Have you two gotten to knoweach other?

ADELAIDEYeah. Me and Trista--we have a lotin common. We both have a tendencyto date immature men.

BILLListen. We understand how you twofeel.

JOEWe do?

BILLYes. We do, Joe.

JOEYeah.

(to Trista)Hes right. We do.

BILL(to Adelaide and Trista)

And, uh, we known we didnt handleeverything perfectly. We hope wedidnt upset you two--and we reallywant the best for both of you.

(to Adelaide)By the way--how are things at thesalon?

ADELAIDEGood. We actually got our firstcelebrity client yesterday. CecilyStrong.

BILLWho the hell is that?

ADELAIDEShes on SNL.

BILLWhat the hell is that?

29.

ADELAIDESaturday Night Live.

BILLI hate that show. It turns peopleinto morons, and it shouldve beencancelled 35 years ago. But, uh,Im glad to hear things are goingso well for you.

(to Trista)So, uh--Trista. What do you do fora living?

INT. JOES APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

(Later)

Joe and Bill are alone.

BILLAlright. That went pretty well.

JOEUm. Lets do a little inventory. Ihave no toilet plunger, one missinglamp, one missing drawer, onemissing pair of shoes, one missingsuit, one missing Seinfeld seasonfour DVD, one missing partridge,and one missing pear tree.

BILLYoure welcome.

JOEWhat do you mean "youre welcome?"What do you have against Seinfeldseason four?

BILLI mean youre welcome, you donthave to be friends with your crazyex-girlfriend anymore. You know. Myplan didnt work perfectly--but itwent pretty well all in all. Shesaid the friendship is over. Sothats it. You wont have to dealwith that woman anymore. May sherest in peace.

30.

JOEWell. I guess that makes sense.Except for the "may she rest inpeace" part. Plus, Trista still hascopies of my keys--so she mightshow up here one day, wearing mysuit and shoes, and wanting toplunge toilets and watch Seinfeldwith me.

BILLYou know what you should do? Moveto Idaho. But first, can you cookme something for lunch?

JOEWell. Trista used to come over hereand do most of the cooking. But,um, I know how to make peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches. Iveeaten, like, ten of them over thepast few days.

BILLGreat. Make one.

JOEWell, the thing is, Im out ofpeanut butter, and jelly, andbread. Cause, uh, Trista used todo most of my grocery shopping.

BILLDid Trista also used to clean yourapartment?

JOESometimes.

BILLWell then maybe you shouldnt havebroken up with her--because thisplace is a damn mess, and Imhungry.

JOEUm. Do you want to go Quiznos?

BILLYou think I can afford Quiznos onthe crappy salary you give me?

31.

INT. PAWN SHOP - DAY

Cristobal is with a CUSTOMER in one area of the store.

Bill and Joe are in another area.

BILL(to Joe)

Your roosters havent sold yet. Andtheyre scaring away the customers.

MAN 2 and MAN 3 walk in. MAN 2 is holding a vintageBullwinkle Pez Dispenser.

JOECan I help you?

MAN 2Im looking to sell this.

BILLWhat the hell is that?

MAN 2Its a Bullwinkle Pez dispenser.

BILLYou want us to give you money forthat?

MAN 2I think so.

BILLAre you sure youre not justoffering us some pez as a snack?

MAN 3This is worth a lot of money.Our ex-roommate gave it to us awhile ago, when he couldnt pay hisrent.

BILLOh. Is your apartment located inCandyland?

JOEBill--this is a valuablecollectible.

32.

BILLFine.

JOE(to Man 2)

Can I take a look at it?

MAN 2Sure.

He hands it to Joe. Joe examines it.

Man 3 notices the rooster sculptures.

MAN 3(to Man 2)

Look at those roosters. You knowwho would love them?

MAN 2Jimmy.

MAN 3Yeah. Jimmy.

BILLIs Jimmy a mental patient?

Man 3 walks over to the rooster sculptures and looks atthem.

MAN 3Theyre $80 each.

He takes them back to the area where

MAN 2(to Joe)

You know what? How about we make atrade? Straight up.

JOEWell. That, uh, sounds reasonable.Let me just make sure Bullwinklehere is in good shape.

Joe looks at the Pez dispenser for a few more seconds.

BILLReasonable? This is the first tradein human history where both sidesend up with something moreworthless than what they startedwith.

33.

JOEBill. Im trying to conduct somebusiness here.

BILLGreat. Conduct some business. Whileyoure doing that, Ill go get yourmedication, you damn lunatic.

Joe looks at the pez dispenser for a few more seconds.

JOEWell. This looks good. Alright.Enjoy your roosters.

MAN 2My friend Jimmy is gonna love them.

BILLMake sure Jimmy takes his pills.

Man 2 and Man 3 walk out with the rooster sculptures.

JOESee? I sold the roosters, and itonly took one day.

BILLWell. Heres mycounterargument. You didnt sellyour roosters. You traded them fora damn moose.

JOEThis is a vintage brown-stemBullwinkle Pez dispenser in mintcondition.

Bill takes it from Joe and examines it for a few seconds.

BILLI see. Heres my counterargument.This is a damn moose.