Relational youth work: Exploration of what this means with young people outside of church and how to go about it. This session will also consider communication.

Mission Possible

As I write I am in the middle of packing my bags to work at the Glastonbury Festival. Now let me see I’ve got my tent, sleeping bag, Peter Gabriel T-Shirts (shows my age!), waterproofs, sun cream (ever the optimist!) torch and I must remember my wellies this year! I have just about recovered from the news that U2 can’t make it and am consoling myself with thoughts of Jackson Brown, Sea Sick Steve and Stevie Wonder! I work for Somerset Churches Together at the festival and our marquee is called ‘Sanctuary’ or ‘the church tent’. I love the notion of sanctuary, ‘a place of safety’; I guess we all need this at times. Whether it’s because you’ve lost your tent at Glastonbury and have no where else to sleep like some of the people we meet (we sleep up to 140!), or if you’ve lost your way in life and just need a safe pair of ears to off load with, or just the luxury of some space in our frenetic 21st century world (or should that be ‘whirled’!).

Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind, “Pooh” he whispered. “Yes Piglet?” “Nothing”, said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw, “I just wanted to be sure of you.” The truth is many young people need someone they can be sure of and as youth work becomes more and more complicated, elaborate, professional and so carefully evaluated it is good to be reminded that relationships are central and that its people that count – not counting the people!

You may have read ‘The Shack’ (William P. Young, Roger Mueller: Books) which people seem to either love or hate, I enjoyed it … mostly...! I was moved by the centrality placed upon relationships; both in terms of the implicit love found in the trinity as well as the way in which God is portrayed as being less concerned with conventions, slick explanations for pain and suffering or even theological chestnuts than in responding in loving relationship with the main character of the book. It’s a great story, give it a go!Relationships are central to youth work, but they are also fundamental to life. We therefore run the risk of assuming that we are naturally inclined to be able to form them. This is not always the case, and this session will help you to reflect on your existing skills and experience and ‘sharpen up’ on what it means to be an effective relational youth worker, especially with young people outside of the church.I do hope this session will affirm you in your relational youth work and challenge you to keep on with the important role that you have with young people. Anyway I must get back to my Glastonbury packing … now where did I put my flip-flops?

Dave Wiles (CEO, Frontier Youth Trust)

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In the beginning… an introduction to this theme

We are going to explore something of why relationships are important to people together and then look at a key tool in term of how we form relationships – communication. Joy Amulya offers a warning to those of us that don’t reflect on what we do ‘to examine one’s experience rather than just living it [is key] …for many practitioners, doing swallows up learning.’ (‘What is Reflective Practice?’ Joy Amulya, Centre for Reflective Community Practice). In this introduction to the theme I want you to engage in some reflective practice yourself…

ACTION: Think of someone that you know that you admire in terms of the way that they form and sustain relationships. Be specific in your thinking.

List the following:

What is the evidence that they are good at forming and sustaining relationships? What is it that they actually do in forming and sustaining relationships, what are the

characteristics that they have and what techniques are they using? What are the results of their ability to form and sustain relationships? What might you learn from this person, what one thing will you try to do differently as a

result of reflecting on them?

You might like to try the exercise again. Try to think of a different person, only this time instead of thinking about relationship think about communication.

Someone has talked of ‘the way of school’ and the ‘way of the farm’. In essence the way of the school says that the essay is due in tomorrow so I will do it tonight! We’ve all done it! On the other hand the way of the farm requires forward thinking and planning, it requires immediate and ongoing investments of time and energy and the results come in due time. Relational youth work is best operated with the philosophy of the farm! It can be long, slow, sometimes arduous work – but the harvest can be amazing. The harvest is also growing almost imperceptibly and relationship formation can be a bit like that too, you invest time and energy and sure enough you will see the outcome.

I was at a skate project the other day when in the ‘God slot’ (they still work!) one of the workers shared the heart ache he and his wife had just been through having a premature baby who looked unlikely to survive … and if he did survive he looked likely to have brain damage. You could have heard a pin drop as he shared this real life story with no deep theology just comments to the effect that his faith had sustained him and that the prayers of Christian friends meant a lot to him and his wife. What struck me was that I watched one of the skaters chatting to the worker after and overheard him say that he wanted to become a Christian as his life seemed so empty.

It seemed to me that the relationship that the worker had established over time with this young person - relational youth work is key in mission amongst young people outside of the church. I have become more and more convinced that effective mission is us being willing to share our lives (warts and all) in humility, with respect and authenticity. Of course it needs to be shared with appropriate sensitivity and at the right time. This all raises the challenging question is an objective of youth work for us to build friendships with the young people we work with?

ACTION: discuss the question, “is an objective of youth work for us to build friendships with the young people we work with” with a colleague that you are involved in youth work with. If you don’t see the formation of friendship as an objective of youth work what place does it have in youth work? If you do see friendship as an objective in youth work, discuss how this occurs appropriately.

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Thinking it throughSome theory

A well known and important theoretical background to the importance of relationships and communication is that of Maslow’s ‘Hierarchy of Needs’. Here is an image of that Hierarchy.

ACTION: Reflect on the ‘Hierarchy of Needs’ in terms of the importance of relationships and list 3 ways in which your youth work practice responds to young people’s basic need in each of the 5 levels of the hierarchy.

An important aspect of our work amongst young people is to be clear about how we are (or are not) responding to the ‘whole needs’ of young people. What motivates us in working with young people? In my 35 years of experience I have come across those who are only interested in the soul of young people, in other words whether or not they ‘sign up’ to a particular view of what the gospel is and have a ticket to the after life. I have also come across Christian youth workers who will barely mention Jesus as they have become so engrossed in a social gospel that they are hesitant about the notion of a living Christ whose history and contemporary activity they shy away from. My own path falls between these two extremes on a ‘social – spiritual’ spectrum. I want young people, and especially those outside of the church, to feel, smell, touch and see Jesus as well as hear about Him! Therefore the whole of what is happening in a young person’s life is critical to my sense of ministry and to the way that I want to relate and communicate with them.

ACTION: write a statement that elaborates on why you do youth work and give particular attention to your views about the balance between the social and spiritual dimensions of youth work.

morality, creativity

spontaneity, problem solving, lack of prejudice,

acceptance of facts

self-esteem, confidence, achievement, respect of others,

respect by others

friendship, family, sexual intimacy

security of body, of employment, of resources, of morality, of the family, of health, of property

breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, homeostasis, excretion

Self-actualization

Esteem

Safety

Love/Belonging

Physiological

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Faithing the FactsSome theology

Jesus as an informal educator

In a busy world it can be tempting for youth workers to timetable everything. But Jesus’ small group had a life beyond the formal sessions. They spent considerable time together discussing, arguing, travelling, worshipping, eating and living. The disciples learnt about prayer through Jesus’ example; they learnt about justice by watching him give dignity and value to the oppressed. These times together were not supplementary to the process, they were the process. Jesus, as the small-group leader, did not deliver a programme or control an agenda. Rather he used the disciples’ questions and everyday situations – a walk through a field, a sailing trip or a visit to the temple – as vehicles for drawing out his learning points. This was informal education par excellence. Danny Brierley (1998) Young People and Small Groups, page 24

ACTION: Reflect on the quote from Danny above in terms of your own sense of relational youth work – how does Danny’s description of Jesus as a relational worker fit with your experience of working with those outside of the church?

Below is an outline of three important books by Pete Ward that track some of the evangelical thinking with regard to relational youth work. You may have read these books, or you may like to look at them as they reflect on aspects of our evangelical youth work/ministry roots. They are books that help us to explore why we are doing what we do and are helpful in terms of clarifying why relational youth work is so important - particularly in the context of our ‘theological roots’.

Ward, P. (1996) Growing Up Evangelical: youthwork and the making of a subculture, London: SPCK. Part one provides a partial history of youth work within the Christian church in Britain - with a special emphasis on the impact of evangelism upon the development of practice. Part two explores youth work and worship. Part three, ‘safety and subculture’ examines a ‘subcultural approach to youthwork’ and brings out some of the tensions within evangelical youthwork. Pete Ward bravely examines the tendency for evangelical youthwork to build an alternative subculture - and the possibility of fostering closed rather than open perspectives. He asks ‘is evangelism essentially adolescent?’ This book is important because of the way in which historical material is drawn together, and because of the questions raised for evangelical youthwork.

Ward, P. (1997)Youthwork and the Mission of God, London: SPCK.. This was a very significant book in that it discussed different disciplines of youth ministry and explored an incarnational approach to youthwork. Ward discusses the theology of youth ministry, popular culture, and the nature of youth church.

Ward, P. (1992) Youth Culture and the Gospel, Basingstoke, Marshall Pickering. Argues that there is a significant gap between the culture of young people and the culture of the Church. Pete Ward looks to encourage friendship with, and understanding of, young people and to identify their interests.

A view of youth work as incarnational, that is more radical than that of relational youth work, is presented by Dean and Foster:

Using relationships for the sake of meeting developmental needs represents a misguided concept of church. Youth ministry focuses on relationships, not only because of who teenagers are but because of who God is. God is a relationship - Christian tradition uses the relational language of Father, Son and Holy Spirit to describe the persons of the Trinity - and this God’s love is so generous that the Godhead alone cannot contain it. Significant relationships with other Christians matter because they teach us something about what God is like - the One who can love us in spite of ourselves and who loves us passionately enough to suffer willingly on our behalf. For this reason, we prefer the term

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incarnational to relational when we speak of ministry. Anybody can have a relationship but only God takes on flesh in the incarnation of Jesus Christ. Kenda Creasy Dean and Ron Foster (1998) The Godbearing Life, page 27.

ACTION: Reflect on the quote or discuss it with a colleague. What do you think ‘incarnational youth work’ might look like for you?

Story from the EdgeThis section provides a story from youth work practice that relates to the theme with reflective questions for you as an individual and/or in a group.

At a recent Youth project meeting we shared the story of a 15-year-old young man who was having a very difficult time in his life. He was so obviously at a “crossroads” where he had real serious problems at home and was flirting with a peer group who were into all kinds of negative and destructive behaviour. But he was wanting support and needing help from others in the neighbourhood to divert him away from this lure of crime and deviance. There was a window of opportunity to help. Someone in our group had 2 free tickets to a theme park and so a day out was planned for him, two others and 2 volunteer youth workers. Good friendships were made and they met regularly for a few months. He’s now moved on to other things and we hope to many more positive experiences.

How can we measure a friendship? Time spent in prayer, reflection? What is the value of a shared thoughts and tears? In a small way we were able to recognise this ‘window’ for this young man but for most of us we seldom have time to stop and change our direction in life’s hectic journey. Jesus had time, took time and made time to be with others and with His Father. So much of what we do in youth work today is measured by systems of evaluation and performance review which run the risk of being preoccupied with ‘hard data’ and high numbers. You wonder if Jesus would have been allowed to visit the woman at the well in Samaria as it wasn’t value for money or an economic use of His time or statistically correct! I’m not undermining the need for monitoring and evaluation, just wanting to apply a reasonable health warning to what might be driving our practice. Perhaps the question is how do we develop systems that respect the quality of what we do as well as the quantity?

Peter Brierley underlines some of the contradictions for young people growing up today, he states that our current generation of young people (GenXers) are, “… the first electronic generation, with the ability to process lots of information simultaneously; the first generation to be raised completely by TV and shaped by music; … needing the church more than any other generation and wanting it so little.” (CoE Newspaper, June 8th 2001) The potential for quality time being shared between individual adults and young people runs the risk of being squeezed out by the frenzied nature of society. How does church and youth work slow down enough to reconnect with young people through safe, authentic and committed relationships? Might we add to the parable about the sheep and goats in Matthew 25 – “When I needed you, you were there, when I wanted your time you gave it, when I barely had time to listen to myself you heard me”?

Are you and your church aware of or close enough to such young people? When was the last time you had space enough to recognise and respond to such a need, are there “windows” in your schedule to respond in the way that occurred in this story? Honestly. How and where does your church (i.e. the gathering of people who say that they follow Christ), follow Christ in this way? Isn’t church sometimes too self centred and interested in itself and its members to be able to respond to others? Why do we insist on creating such a self-centred existence when it comes to being church/a worshipping community? What do we need to change and how can you change? Are you able to give time to these questions even? What are the dangers? What are the potential excuses?

By Chris Bristow

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Don’t just stand there …This section contains ideas for action – methods, tools and approaches to engage with young people – based on the session subject/content.

Here are some ideas that I have come across that youth workers are engaging with young people through in terms of relational youth work. As you look at the list think if any might be suitable for you in your setting:

Detached youth work that meets young people where they are on the streets (more of this in a later session).

Taking coco out to young people on the streets to keep young people warm and to form relationships Event based work (bands, fetes, community parties etc) – it’s a good idea to involve young people in

the planning for these too! Motor bike/car/boat workshops that enable young people to pick up on some mechanical skills whilst

forming meaningful relationships with adults Activity/trips/residential based work that broadens young people’s experience whilst forming

meaningful relationships – it’s a good idea to involve young people in the planning for these too! Short term groups to look at skill development (computer, literacy, cooking etc) – these can be a great

way of going deeper with young people Social action activities (litter picking, garden tidying etc) – working alongside young people is a great

way to get to know each other Garden projects – I have come across some great work where young people and youth workers have

taken on an allotment or some spare land to produce their own fruit and vegetables Camping and outdoor pursuit – I always say that a week long residential is the equivalent value of a

years weekly youth work contact Eating together! Jesus did it all the time and I have seen some great relational youth work done over

tea and toast or in McDonalds or Costa Coffee! Check out http://www.fyt.org.uk/userpdfs/76ee49da743aeebce9b2.pdf for over 100 summer

games to engage with young people!

ACTION: What other ideas for relational work would you add to this list – e-mail them to wiles119@aol.com

One of the key ways that you will relate to young people is in the context of group work, however it is worth looking at the different ways that groups can both include and exclude. Groups are an excellent context for the formation of relationships, but they have draw backs for some individuals. This section draws on some excellent work by Arthur Brown (Youthwork, Sept. 2002) that looks at the roles that some young people have in groups and how you as a relational group worker might respond to those roles.

The ‘Talker’ – that person that tends to dominate and control the group through their verbose contribution. What you can do:

Highlight and affirm their contribution, perhaps they are a bit insecure and need this attention? Say, “it would be helpful to hear what others have to say...” Use good youth work process skills – what about a “speaking stick” – in other words the only

person who can speak has to hold the stick! Avoid too much eye contact with them Give them a task – distraction can work! Set ground rules in the group about participation

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The ‘Silent’ – those that are a bit withdrawn from the group. What you can do:

Build their confidence and offer them authentic encouragement Affirm their input when they do make a contribution Organise and allow time for all – process management Give them time to prepare thoughts – thinking and/or writing/drawing They may be happy not taking part – leave them alone! Get the group to work in pairs

The ‘Angry’ – those that are hostile and annoyed within a group. What you can do:

Accept their feelings and show a degree of empathy Don’t retaliate and be defensive, anger is often unfocussed and general – don’t take it personally Develop and reference ground rules with the group Inform why aggression is not acceptable in a neutral and reasonable way Leave escape routes for those who are angry, both in terms of the physical layout of the room

(don’t stand in front of the door!) and verbally (‘you may want to take some time out to think about this’)

Recognise and watch for symptoms of anger in a group Be aware of your safety and the safety of others

The ‘Fool’ – Those that are always larking about and looking for others to laugh at or with them. What you can do: Explore what they might be avoiding – communicate it Allow humour to play appropriate part in the group Do not put them down Don’t re-enforce it e.g. with laughter/attention

ACTIONS: Reflect on each of the ideas above and add your own tips for responding to these forms of communication. You could also identify other ‘archetypes’ (other roles that people ‘play’ in groups) and identify how you should respond in a groups setting.

AOBContacts, resources, links that relate to the session subject/content

Training:

Christian Youth Work Training – www.cywt.org.uk provides information about Christian youth work training in the UK. The site is now run by David Howell, a freelance consultant in the fields of training, Further Education, Higher Education and Christian youth work.

Frontier Youth Trust - please contact if we can help you to look a little deeper at this theme or other youth work related topics. www.fyt.org.uk

Some Web Based Resources:

Damaris at: http://www.damaris.org/ Damaris is an educational charity with a Christian foundation - but working with people of all faiths and none. Damaris is committed to rigorous study and effective communication as they seek to relate biblical Christian faith and contemporary popular culture.

UK Youth at: http://www.ukyouth.org/ UK Youth is the leading national youth work charity supporting over 750,000 young people, helping them to raise their aspirations, realise their potential

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and have their achievements recognised via non-formal, accredited education programmes and activities

National Youth Agency (NYA) at: http://www.nya.org.uk/ The National Youth Agency works in partnership with a wide range of public, private and voluntary sector organisations to support and improve services for young people. Their particular focus is on youth work

Recommended Books:

‘Youth work after Christendom’ by Nigel and Jo Pimlott Stories from the Edge. Dave Wiles (FYT) Mission and young people at risk (FYT) Inspire (SU or FYT) Inspire Too (SU or FYT) Group Work by Alan Brown Young people and small groups (SU) Danny Brierley Growing Community – making groups work with young people (youthwork) Danny Brierley Those mentioned in the theology section

A very helpful listing of Christian youth work literature can be found at http://www.infed.org/youthwork/b-ywchri.htm

Amen CornerPrayer – some ideas/models and thoughts about praying into the session subject/content

This session has been about relationships and communication – think about some of your own key youth work relationships (other youth workers and young people) and pray for these folks and for your self… That your relationships will be constructive and deepen – listen to God and your heart as you pray for these others.

Draw a stick man diagram of your own key relationships (e.g. who do you turn to for help) – look at the drawing and pray for these people.

You are in relationship with God and yet (if you are anything like me!) you will spend a lot more time in ‘talking prayer’ than in ‘listening (contemplative) prayer’. Change that now and find a quiet place to listen to what the ‘still small voice’ may be saying to you. Try it for 5 minutes first – a week long silent retreat may come later!