Eurovision 2015 – Reviews ©P. Stampone Page 1 of 20

Good Evening Europe!

Televised on SBS One Australia: First Semi Final 3:00am – Wednesday May 20th (live feed from Vienna) 7:30pm – Friday 22nd of May 2015 (Repeat) Second Semi Final 3:00am – Friday 22nd of May 2015 (live feed from Vienna) 7:30pm – Saturday 23rd of May 2015 (Repeat) Grand Final 3:00am – Sunday 24th of May 2015 (live feed from Vienna) 7:30pm – Sunday 24th of May 2015 (Repeat) Please confirm times and dates closer to the broadcast.

Eurovision 2015 – Reviews ©P. Stampone Page 2 of 20

Performance Schedule:

First Semi Final Second Semi Final Grand Final Albania - 14 Armenia - 2 Belarus - 11 Belgium - 3

Denmark - 13 Estonia - 7

F.Y.R Macedonia - 8 Finland - 5

Georgia - 16 Greece - 6

Hungary - 10 Moldova - 1

Romania - 15 Russia - 12 Serbia - 9

The Netherlands - 4

Azerbaijan - 11 Cyprus - 15

Czech Republic - 8 Iceland - 12 Ireland - 2 Israel - 9

Latvia - 10 Lithuania - 1

Malta - 5 Montenegro - 4

Norway - 6 Poland - 17 Portugal - 7

San Marino - 3 Slovenia - 16 Sweden - 13

Switzerland - 14

Australia Austria France

Germany Italy

Spain United Kingdom

(Plus ten teams from the first semi-final and ten teams from the second semi-final will make it to the grand

final).

Keep an eye out for:

Countries not participating in 2015: Australia

Belgium

Denmark

Estonia

Italy

Norway

Serbia

Slovenia

The Netherlands

United Kingdom

Bulgaria

Croatia

Bosnia & Herzegovina

Ukraine

Your score for this year’s entries. Eurovision voting video

12 10 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Australian audiences watching the live feed from Vienna will be allowed to vote, however in accordance with Eurovision rules, Australia cannot vote for Guy Sebastian’s entry.

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The 2015 Eurovision Cliché Awards:

Eurovision provides the opportunity for a country to present a singer and a song in the hopes of winning. Each year however some countries make the mistake of entering a song that falls into the category of Cliché. This year there are five awards that fit the cliché categories:

1. The WTF award:

The WTF is given to the performer who has the ability to inspire the audience to stare and say WTF!

Winner of the WTF for 2015:

Pertti Kurikan Nimipäivät of Finland with their song “Aina Mun Pitää”

2. The MS* – Slutty Girl/Guy singing a Slutty Song (SGSS) award

The SGSS award is for the performer who believes being slutty & singing a slutty song will win.

Winner of the SGSS for 2015:

Eduard Romanyuta of Moldova and his trash whore of a song “I want your love”.

3. The War is Naughty award:

The War is Naughty award is presented to the song that explains war is naughty and we should just stop it.

Winner of the War is Naughty for 2015:

Boggie (Boglárka) of Hungry and her song “Wars for nothing”.

4. The Toe Tapping Topper award:

Each year songs with a great beat register on the Toe Tapping Scale. This award is for the song with the highest score.

Winner of the Toe Tapping Scale Topper for 2015

Electro Velvet of the United Kingdom with their song “Still in love with you”.

5. The Bleeding Heart award:

The Bleeding Heart award is bestowed upon the artist who tries to win Eurovision through shame and guilt.

Winner of the Bleeding Heart for 2015

Voltaj of Romania and their song “De la capăt”

Congratulations to our winners!

*MS – Our Patron Saint of Eurovision, Mark Shooter.

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First Semi-Final: Country in order of appearance:

Moldova – SF1

Artist: Eduard Romanyuta Winner of the SGSS Award Song: I want your love (English) I want your love - Moldova

First cab off the ranks is this high energy easily forgettable Gatorade of a song. Sometimes a song and a performer come along and you think, how did this make it through an entire country’s selection? Eduard comes to Eurovision singing a song with all the appeal of second hand cigarette smoke. Eduard’s singing is a confused mix of Sandra Bullock’s voice and Kim Kardashian’s morals. This song registers a seven on the toe tapping scale and will have you swaying to the beat until you realise how ridiculous you look. The lyrics will appeal to people with a vocabulary of ten words or less. “I want your love” is lacking in many key areas, purpose being the highest. This song will probably stand out because the competition is mainly wrist-slashing ballads, making detritus like this sound acceptable. Moldova can expect to win a lot of votes from over 40 year old virgins and tweens who think that Twerking is a transferrable life skill.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Armenia – SF1

Artist: Genealogy Song: Face the Shadow (English) Face the Shadow - Armenia

Armenia sought permission from Eurovision to change the title of this song from “Don’t deny” to “Face the Shadow” as they were concerned the original may not demonstrate an “anthem of peace, love and unity”. This song has raised some controversy as many say the true meaning is about “don’t deny” the Armenian genocide of 1915. Genealogy is a six member group (2 males and 4 females) and this song is sung with great passion and with great voices. Although at one point towards the end of the song, it seems they are all trying to out-sing each other. I thoroughly enjoyed this song and hope it will make it through to the Grand Final. I think most people will enjoy it but only because the next act will be on before anyone realises they have no idea what Genealogy are singing about. Is this song strong enough to win Eurovision? If it does, then it will be the first time for Armenia.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Belgium – SF1

Artist: Loïc Nottet Song: Rhythm inside (English) Rhythm Inside - Belgium

This year Belgium presents a haunting song that at first baffles you and then makes you say, play it again. I wanted to hate this song; I wanted to tear it to shreds with vitriol and thought this was going to be an easy review. But this song has an ability to get into your head and say “let’s have coffee”. Like Coriander, you will either love or hate it. Loïc is just 19, but has already made a name for himself in many artistic pursuits, despite his father wanting him to be a football player – close enough. Loïc is a self-taught singer, composer, artist and is in desperate need of several large slices of chocolate cake. Loïc’s presentation of this song is both confronting and mesmerising. It has a sharp rhythm, steady tempo and lyrics that make you listen even though you don’t know why. There is a lot of alternative influence and inspiration in this song including Lorde and Sia. Don’t be surprised if this one makes it onto your play list. I wouldn’t have expected to find this song as part of Eurovision, I would have been happy hearing it on Rage at 2am. If enough people listen to this song more than once or twice, you may have a real chance. Go Belgium!

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Eurovision 2015 – Reviews ©P. Stampone Page 5 of 20

The Netherlands – SF1

Artist : Trijntje Oosterhuis Song : Walk along (English) Walk along - The Netherlands

Trijntje has had a long and successful music career, performing with artists such as Queen, Andre Bocelli, Herbie Hancock, Lionel Richie, Burt Bacharach and Khaled. Trijntje has a very strong enjoyable voice which welcomes you in and comforts you. “Walk along” is the perfect advertising jingle if you want to sell deodorant or enjoy brewing your own coffee. However that’s not what this song is about, instead it is about unrequited love. The simple beat and catchy chorus is joyful, so don’t be surprised if you’re searching iTunes or Spotify by the end of the competition. Trinntje brings her talent in making every note shine and will have you wanting to sing along during the chorus. The Netherlands often get a good span of votes from the Eurovision audience and with the great execution of this song, don’t be surprised if this makes it to the Grand Final. Listen to this one loud and let the guitar take you away to where coffee and deodorant run free.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Finland – SF1

Artist: Pertti Kurikan Nimipäivät Winner of the WTF award Song: Aina Mun Pitää (Finnish) - (See end of review for English translation). Aina Mun Pitaa - Finland

Pertti Kurikan Nimipäivät (PKN) is representing Finland with this punk rock song and is creating Eurovision history as this song is only one minute and thirty three seconds long. Eurovision rules don’t forbid short songs but does set a three minute maximum. This is fortunate because PKN have delivered a song that you don’t want to listen to for more than one second let alone ninety three of them. I am not sure if this is a serious or comical entry from Finland, but it reminds me of one of those inappropriate PC jokes about a certain number of people walking into a bar. All the members hail from a disability support group and they have been “performing” together for many years. I think the song is short because that’s as long as their mood stabilising medication lasts. This is a real punk song from real people who don’t give a crap about society, conforming, being understood, personal appearance or hygiene. Not sure what they are singing about, I don’t care what they are singing about, even the translator couldn’t figure it out, but there is a beat and a lot of spitting so go for it boys, have a great time and don’t eat the microphone. Feel free to stick your fingers up at the crowd too, you can’t be any more shocking.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Greece: - SF1

Artist : Maria-Eleni Kyriakou Song: One last breath (English) One last breath - Greece

They say never judge a book by its cover and this can be applied to Maria-Eleni. Before moving into her music career, Maria-Eleni was a Professor of Greek Literature and the Humanities and also a mother of three children. She has a strong voice and sings this song with great conviction. Maria-Eleni says that she co-wrote this song during a difficult period of her life and has a personal connection to it. Sadly that’s where anything interesting about Maria-Eleni or this song ends. “One last breath” is straight off the ballad assembly line and you will be cleaning your nails before the chorus – actually I don’t think it has one. I can’t help but see the parallels between this song and last year’s winning song “Rise like a Phoenix”. Both songs are about a person brought down by a lover and wronged in their relationship, yet somehow finding the personal strength to overcome it – yawn! As long as the voters focus on how you perform rather than what you’re signing about, I think you might make it to the grand final – actually no I don’t, this song is rubbish – better luck next year Greece.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Eurovision 2015 – Reviews ©P. Stampone Page 6 of 20

Estonia – SF1

Artist : Elina Born and Stig Rästa Song : Goodbye to yesterday (English) Goodbye to Yesterday - Estonia

After seeing Elina singing on YouTube Stig sent her a message saying he wanted to work with her. This song won the Estonian national selection with a record 78% of the vote, the highest ever. This song represents the fifth attempt by Stig to enter Eurovision and I have to say it’s a great entry. “Goodbye to yesterday” is a swinging sixties song with a great beat and great distinctive vocals. I hope Estonia has made room on their mantle for the Eurovision prize because I think they are going to get some serious attention. Eurovision is full of ballads this year, but Elina and Stig have found a way to make it palatable. Elina and Stig deliver “Goodbye to yesterday” with wonderful timing and strength that will leave you humming the tune long after the song finishes.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

F Y R Macedonia – SF1

Artist : Daniel Kajmakoski Song : Autumn leaves (English) Autumn Leaves - FYR Macedonia

This song suffers from multiple-personality disorder. While one part of the song is the usual easy to forget ballad that’s about someone else’s misery you don’t care about, the other personality comes through during the chorus and makes you think, “hey I want to hang out with you”, but then it switches back and you just want to walk away. Originally this song was written in Macedonian and Daniel translated it to English in the hopes of appealing to a greater Eurovision audience. It may have lost something in translation. Daniel delivers the song well but it’s mainly forgettable, like a night on Absinthe. Good luck Daniel, but don’t be surprised if this song is blown away like autumn leaves (see what I did there) along with all the other ballads. Remember you need to stand out not blend in, if you want to win the Eurovision prize.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Serbia – SF1

Artist : Bojana Stamenov Song : Beauty never lies (English) Beauty Never Lies - Serbia

Serbia brings a brilliant song about inclusion and unity and is perfectly sung with passion and attitude by Bojana. An accomplished musician Bojana is proficient with the lute, guitar and as a renaissance singer. She has an incredibly powerful voice and will get a lot of attention for this powerful ballad. Scoring a happy four on the toe tapping scale, this song is perfect as a theme for any minority group seeking equality, justice or a free handout. Sit back, give yourself a great big “I am ok” hug and enjoy this wonderful song and great performance from Serbia and the powerfully talented Bojana – go get them girl, just leave some finger food for the rest of us.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Hungary – SF1

Artist : Boggie (Boglárka) Winner of “War is Naughty” award Song: Wars for nothing (English) Wars for Nothing - Hungary

It wouldn’t be Eurovision without someone singing about how pointless war is and we should just all love each other and live in peace. What’s surprising is that it is usually Russia who sings those types of songs while they invade countries or blow people to bits. This year Boggie (her nick name) sings about how bad war is – because we just

Eurovision 2015 – Reviews ©P. Stampone Page 7 of 20

haven’t figured it out yet. Sarcasm aside, I actually think that this song could be done extremely well and I am hoping that Boggie will rely on the strength and sweetness of her voice and a simple guitar accompaniment. This song unfortunately runs the risk of being a “kumbaya” moment with everyone swaying back and forth and pledging donations or to be better people, the sentiment will run out by the next ad break.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Belarus – SF1

Artist: Uzari and Maimuna Song: Time (English) Time - Belarus

Belarus has pulled out the big guns to try and win Eurovision. The duet of Uzari and Maimuna have come together to bring us “Time”. Uzari and Maimuna share a love of the “Lord of the Rings” movies and I won’t be surprised to see some tribute to it during their performance. Maimuna plays the violin while Uzari sings the lyrics. Maimuna (or Moon to her friends) is “The First Violin of Belarus” in the Presidential orchestra and when you listen to her play you will see why. Uzari delivers this song with a strong voice and a passion for the lyrics – nonsense though they are. Although this is yet another balled it has a more memorable rhythm and the tempo moves this song along quite nicely. Unlike most ballads, this one is easier to listen to and shouldn’t fade into the background noise of all the others. Good luck Belarus, I think you will make it to the Grand Final.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Russia – SF1

Artist : Polina Gagarina Song : A million voices (English) A Million Voices - Russia

Polina is representing Russia with her powerful voice and perfect vocals. Russia rarely has trouble finding excellent singers. What Russia has a problem with are the songs it selects. Their performers keep singing songs about how everyone should come together, how we should all love and respect one another, how only through unity, peace and tolerance will the world finally heal and become a better place…and then there’s Putin and the country’s attack and hatred of anything more important than two ply toilet paper. Despite the complete lack of credibility, this song is great to listen to as Polina is an extremely enjoyable singer and very easy to look at. Not sure how it will fare in the votes tally, but if people can forget that this is a Russian song (good luck) then it should do well. Otherwise like last year, we might hear more BOO’s from the crowd.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Denmark – SF1

Artist: Anti Social Media Song: The way you are (English) The Way You Are - Denmark

Thank you Denmark for this wonderful entry. Anti Social Media bring this joyful and upbeat song to a contest that is dominated by suicide inducing ballads. Anti Social Media state that the inspiration for their music is from the warm sounds of the 60’s. Their mission is to revive simple and joyful music with a balance of old and modern sounds. This song is the Sorbet after a heavy meal, it’s the reminder that music can be fun, uplifting and even make you happy. When Anti Social Media perform this song, you will be taking your head out of the noose and ringing old friends and rekindling with family you previously fell out with. This song scores a strong eight on the toe tapping scale and you will be inspired to forgo your feelings of loneliness and despair as you bop away to the beat. Don’t be surprised if you end up volunteering at a local aged care facility. Good luck Denmark, if anything you will make people enjoy a brief three minute reprieve from the misery nearly every other country brought to Eurovision this year.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Eurovision 2015 – Reviews ©P. Stampone Page 8 of 20

Albania – SF1

Artist: Elhaida Dani Song: I’m alive (English) I'm Alive - Albania

This year Elhaida brings her beautifully powerful voice to Eurovision while still clutching to her trophy after winning Italy’s The Voice in 2013. While Albania is able to produce great signers, sadly they can’t match them to great songs and this year is no exception. I’m alive is another toxic co-dependent ballad which is the musical equivalent of cognitive behaviour therapy. It’s the sort of song I imagine an elderly patient is signing as his money hungry family pull the plug on the life support, just for the inheritance. There is only so much you can do to zhush up a song and sadly Elhaida has to work hard to try and breathe life into this dying swan. Once again Albania will go home empty handed from Eurovision. Nice try, but next time get yourself a song and not the musical equivalent of Dr Phil.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Romania – SF1

Artist: Voltaj Winner of the Bleeding Heart award. Song : De La Capãt (Romanian) - (See end of review for English translation). De La Capãt - Romania

Voltaj has been performing as a pop-rock band for 20 years and are regulars in the Romanian charts. They hope that their song will raise awareness of the three million Romanians who are working abroad, trying to make a better life for their children who they leave behind. Voltaj do a lot of work for these children and those who are living alone throughout the country. They hope that Eurovision will help them highlight these problems. The song itself is not bad, easy to listen to without the usual attempts to tear your heart out over the “be thankful for what you have” guilt some of these songs can push. Instead Voltaj try to turn a difficult situation into a hopeful one and maybe Eurovision can be one way they can achieve this. Hopefully they will drag some little discarded kids on stage for everyone to be sorrowful over until the producers push them off to make way for the next act.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Georgia – SF1

Artist : Nina Sublatti Song : Warrior (English) Warrior - Georgia

Being passionate about singing does not a Eurovision winner make. Nina has the ability to make you instantly forget whatever the hell she is singing about. This song is so forgettable I can’t even tell you what it’s about and I have listened to it about a dozen times. Each time I listen to it, I end up working on something else, tax return, tidying up the garage, sweeping the floor and then by random chance I remember I was writing this review. There are lyrics to this song, but they make as much sense as a cup with two open ends. Nina I don’t know what memory-block spell you cast when you sing this song, but I don’t think you will be getting any votes because no one will remember you. My advice is that you try to stand out a bit, wear a flashing light on your head, grow a beard, make a throne out of a thousand swords or something – anything!

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Eurovision 2015 – Reviews ©P. Stampone Page 9 of 20

Second Semi-Final: Country in order of appearance:

Lithuania – SF2

Artist : Vaidas Baumila and Monika Linkytė Song : This Time (English) This Time - Lithuania

A sweet little number by these two performers which also scores a happy six on the toe-tapping scale. Songs like this remind me of why I leave eating the icing on my cupcake until last; it’s sweet, it’s pleasant and that how I want to remember it. “This Time” is inoffensive because it plays it safe. The problem with playing it safe is that it also leaves no room to stand out or be remembered. About half way through the song is a cheeky little surprise that also is full of sweetness, reminiscent of the 1957 Danish entry which surprised the Eurovision audience back then. Lithuania may have played it too safe, but I hope that they will make it to the Grand Final. The problem is that good fun sweet songs like this have to be very good to do so. But then this is Eurovision and you never know who or what will make it through.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Ireland – SF2

Artist : Molly Sterling Song : Playing with numbers (English) Playing with Numbers - Ireland

Another young performer, Molly comes to Eurovision at the age of 17. A self-taught musician she states that she is happiest when she is singing and playing her piano. There is no doubt that Molly has a great voice, with wonderful clarity and passion, but I can’t get excited about another angst-ridden ballad. I am sure many people will enjoy this song and Ireland is no stranger to being a Eurovision winner, currently holding the record for the most wins in the history of the contest (seven times, three of which were back to back wins in 1992, 1993 and 1994). I wish Molly well but this song just bores me to tears with its slow rhythm and predictable lyrics. Why do some of these performers treat Eurovision as an opportunity to address unresolved childhood issues? Maybe some coffee or a snort of cocaine before this one comes on is in order.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

San Marino – SF2

Artist : Michele Perniola and Anita Simoncini Song : Chain of Lights (English) Chain of Lights - San Marino

In November, San Marino became the first country to select their Eurovision entrant. San Marino decided to send Michele and Anita as they were previously selected for Junior Eurovision – recycling in action! The theory is that two young and energetic performers should win the Eurovision trophy. Like Anti-Vaxers, San Marino developed this belief by conducting absolutely no research into past Eurovision winners and their lack of scrutiny shows in this pointless powderpuff song of little substance. In short, if squeezing zits was a musical, then this song would be it. Anita and Michele sing about topics that neither appears to have any experience in and it shows in their emotionally devoid performance. I am not even sure they like each other or even know each other’s names. If you want to place passion into a passionate song, then you need performers who can connect with it rather than be absorbed in themselves. There is no chemistry between these two and they do no justice to this song. Good luck San Marino, you can always count on the sympathy votes, but this will not be your year.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Eurovision 2015 – Reviews ©P. Stampone Page 10 of 20

Montenegro – SF2

Artist: Knez Song : Adio (Montenegrin) - (See end of review for English translation). Adio - Montenegro

Knez is extremely popular in Montenegro having already released ten albums all of which are bestsellers. Equally Montenegro has the highest number of tone deaf citizens in the world – I guess correlation does mean causation in this case. While I could summarise Knez’s long and impressive musical career, suffice it to say he’s been at it for a while. Knez brings this ballad to Eurovision hoping to take home the crystal microphone to impress everyone with the nice shiny trophy. Strangely for a ballad and one about the loss of love, this one manages to score a three on the toe-tapping scale. At first I thought it was a false reading but it appears to be accurate, probably caused by the traditional instrumental accompaniment. Don’t get too excited as it is still a ballad about heartbreak and the song has all the fun and laughter of being capsized at sea. Although it’s sung in Montenegrin, the lyrics are still pretty terrible, I would expect this sort of gut wrenching desperation from a heart broken teen than a gentleman of Knez’s years. Maybe he isn’t used to rejection? Although with this song, he better get used to it. Don’t unpack Knez it won’t be a long visit.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Malta – SF2

Artist: Amber Song: Warrior (English) Warrior - Malta

Surprisingly at the age of 23, Amber is a Eurovision veteran. Having competed in Malta’s national selection competition five times, she was also a backup singer for Kurt Calleja in Baku (Eurovision 2012). Amber volunteer’s a lot of her time assisting children in need in Italy (Reggio Calabria) and also working for charities in Tanzania. She says that this song is about courage and determination in overcoming obstacles – a bit cliché but I think she’s earned that right. Amber does have a great voice and the song is enjoyable, but it’s not memorable. There’s a fine line between making a song memorable or deplorable. Making a ballad stand out is hard and I hope Amber is able to use her talent to present this song well on the night. A great sense of passion and personal commitment to this song is evident and I think Amber wants to give it her best as she’s already tried so hard to get into Eurovision.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Norway – SF2

Artist : Kjetil Mørland & Debrah Scarlett Song : A monster like me (English) A Monster like Me - Norway

Kjetil and Debrah did not know each other until they decided to collaborate on this song back in November. Winning the Norway national selection, Kjetil and Deborah hope to win Eurovision 2015 with this dark ballad. When it comes to self-depreciation, no one beats the guilt and shame dredged up from one’s psyche more than Kjetil & Debrah. I must confess I quite like it, this song is so deliciously dark, it will take you to a time when you are not particularly proud of yourself – yummo! It’s refreshing for a ballad in this contest to not be about gut wrenching emotional pain, but rather a confession that you’re such a poor quality dud of a human that your only redeeming feature is to encourage your partner to go off and find someone, anyone else! Both Kjetil and Deborah have strong distinctive voices, you cannot help but be mesmerised. The song also has a wonderfully haunting sound and a strong sense of religious guilt – takes me right back to my childhood – those were fun times. If a pointless ballad wins Eurovision, I hope it’s this one.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Eurovision 2015 – Reviews ©P. Stampone Page 11 of 20

Portugal – SF2

Artist: Leonor Andrade Há um mar que nos separa - Portugal Song : Há um mar que nos separa (Portuguese) - (See end of review for English translation).

This year Portugal has decided to serve up this 20 piece bucket of rubbish with its 11 missing tones and flat harmonies for our ears to be tormented by. This truly forgettable song, ambivalent delivery and pointless lyrics (don’t even bother reading them) leaves 20 year old Leonor struggling to make it enjoyable. I don’t know what Portugal was thinking when they put this mess forward but they obviously want some sort of revenge. The Producers will have to put on an amazing light show and get the extra strong wind-machine out, otherwise the audience will leave in droves. What’s more disturbing is that Leonor seems to be really passionate about this song, maybe no one let her in on the joke. This song has all the joy and energy of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Thanks for participating Portugal – don’t hurry back.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Czech Republic – SF2

Artist – Marta Jandová & Václav Noid Bárta Song : Hope never dies (English) Hope Never Dies - Czech Republic

Eurovision 2015 welcomes back the Czech Republic having last performed in 2009. They claim their absence from Eurovision was poor viewing figures and a lack of interest from the Czech public. But we all know that they are probably just sore losers as their only three attempts in 2007, 2008 and 2009 didn’t result in Eurovision gold. After listening to their 2015 entry, I am betting we won’t see the Czech Republic again for quite some time. Both Marta and Václav have strong voices that are completely wasted on this jagged rock of a song. This is what happens if you let Google Translate write your song for you after feeding it lines from a Mill’s and Boon romance. I would like to point out that this song has some strength, but it couldn’t get any worse if Professor Stephen Hawking was performing backup vocals. No Czech Republic it’s not a lack of interest from your citizens that result in poor audience numbers, it is their sheer disbelief and embarrassment of the musical sludge you serve up. See you again when the swelling goes down on your bruised ego.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Israel – SF2

Artist: Nadav Guedj Song: Golden Boy (English) Golden Boy - Israel

Believe it or not, Nadav is only 16 – I suggest he switch to free range chicken rather than the ones injected with growth hormones. “Golden boy” has a fun little traditional beat that will have you wanting to dance around the room, until you realise this song is nothing but narcissistic dribble. While Nadav doesn’t look 16, he certainly sings about the things that would be forefront on a 16 year old boy’s mind – size of his he-hem love, his overblown belief of his importance to the world and of course being the party animal of Tel Aviv. All of which are pointless to anyone who isn’t Nadav. This song scores a strong five on the toe tapping scale, it also has the appeal, substance and sophistication of Playdough. Actually the reference to his home town is to let everyone know that if he wins, next year’s Eurovision will be in Tel Aviv – wishful thinking. I am guessing this song was a real winner with the Aunties at his Bar Mitzvah. Good luck Nadav, just remember if you win (or score any points) it’s not advisable to kiss your reflection in the mirror while the camera is on.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Eurovision 2015 – Reviews ©P. Stampone Page 12 of 20

Latvia – SF2

Artist: Aminata Song: Love injected (English) Love Injected - Latvia

Aminata’s ancestry is a mix of African and Latvian. She believes that her talent is a blend of three different singing traditions, African, Russian and European. If I have used the term unique to describe any other song in this contest, then I take it back (except for Finland). This song is definitely unique, but not necessarily in a good way. I can see “Love injected” as the song of choice for when someone is tripping on acid and planning on robbing their local booze outlet. I will admit that Aminata has a great singing voice and her performance is strong and practically flawless, that doesn’t mean she needs to demonstrate all her capabilities in one song. This song has too many abrupt stops and starts, feels like they didn’t have enough lyrics, so they just put in pauses rather than fill in the blanks. I want to like this song, but I want to like it for all the wrong reasons. I want to like it because it would be very PC of me to like it and I want you to like me for liking it because that would be very PC of you. But I hate this song for so many reasons and I hope we can hate it together. Good luck in finding the rest of the lyrics to your stupid song Aminata.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Azerbaijan – SF2

Artist: Elnur Huseynov Song: Hour of the wolf (English) Hour of the Wolf - Azerbaijan

Elnur returns to Eurovision after representing Azerbaijan in 2008 with fellow performer Samir. Elnur is famous in Azerbaijan for his musical abilities and has worked with both the State Academic Opera and Ballet theatre and the State Philharmonic Hall. This song has all the hallmarks of musical suicide and after Eurovision 2015 Elnur will be washing car windows while hoping for long red lights and slow moving traffic. How do I describe this song without relying solely on four letter words? The tempo is confused, the lyrics are cryptic, the singing is all over the place and somehow he has managed to pack this whole mess into the three minute time limit. The only thing that carries this song is the backup singer’s harmonies. Without that, this song wouldn’t be worthy of the rotten tomatoes it deserves. This song will probably get some votes, but only because Azerbaijan puts on a magnificently lavish Eurovision show.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Iceland – SF2

Artist: Maria Ólafsdóttir Song : Unbroken (English) Unbroken - Iceland

This is a sweet little catchy song and Maria delivers it well. It has a beat that is a refreshing change from the many other ballads polluting this year’s Eurovision, but very reminiscent of the 2013 winner –Only Teardrops, by Amelie. Maria is an actor and songwriter as well as a singer and has been performing since 2009. Maria claims that she is a shy person and has mainly performed to small audiences stating that until she won this chance to represent Iceland she was relatively unknown. I think this song will get some good attention because she has a good strong voice and it’s a more uplifting song then the majority of funeral music in this year’s competition. Good luck Maria, hope you do well and if not, blame it on your poor stage presence.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Eurovision 2015 – Reviews ©P. Stampone Page 13 of 20

Sweden – SF2

Artist : Måns Zelmerlöw Song : Heros (English) Heros - Sweden

Sweden has a tendency to present Eurovision with strong singers with enchanting songs. This year is no different. Måns’ “Heros” is a confronting song, sung with great energy and a sound that has been described as organic. This song was written about a time in Måns’ childhood when he wasn’t very popular and someone helped him. He wanted to write a song about that person who stood out for him. The lyrics are numerous to say the least, but there is a good balance of the themes repetition. A well-constructed song which may rely too heavily on the chorus to make it stand out. It’s also a busy song which makes full use of the three minute timeframe. Hopefully all these constructs will come together on the night and Sweden will score some good points, maybe even enough to get to the Grand Final.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Switzerland – SF2

Artist : Mélanie René Song : Time to shine (English) Time to Shine - Switzerland

“Time to shine” sadly is another song copying last year’s winning formula i.e. look at me suffer, then pick myself up because I am strong. At 24 Mélanie has a lovely voice and is no doubt a great singer, however this song is just mindless drivel. Mélanie is both the signer and writer of this song so I am not sure what sort of challenge she set for herself but it didn’t seem to include entertaining the audience. I have heard of suffering for one’s art, but Mélanie has decided to make us suffer instead. The song has a nice pace and moves along well, but it’s just musical noise for the sake of it. I think to fix this song most people need to listen to it with the volume set at zero. Thanks Mélanie and Switzerland for this neutral song about whatever.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Cyprus – SF2

Artist : John Karayiannis Song: One thing I should have done (English) One thing I should have done - Cyprus

They say confession is good for the soul and this year Cyprus sends its most guilt ridden singer to pour his heart out to the Eurovision audience. John is a 20 year old performer from Limassol and his style is more recently influenced by Ed Sheeran and John Mayer. He is also a big gamer and when he is not excising the demons from his soul, you will find him down the local Internet café. This song has all the charm of small pox and I often wonder how someone so young can have so many woes. Let’s face it, what has he experienced in his short 20 years? He’s barely figured out shaving. There is no charm to this song; it’s just him crapping on about regret that he’s probably never really experienced. Another ballad that will either put you to sleep or give you the three minutes you need to make another cuppa. Maybe next year he can sing about how his dirge lost Eurovision 2015 and everyone laughed at him.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Eurovision 2015 – Reviews ©P. Stampone Page 14 of 20

Slovenia – SF2

Artist : Maraaya Song : Here for you (English) Here for You - Slovenia

Maraaya is the name of this band and it is a combination of Marjetka and Raay’s first names – like Brangelina just not as successful. Married with three children Maraaya formed last year when both partners combined their individual musical careers. Marjetka likes to wear studio headphones when she performs as she believes they help her to reach the level of passion she has in the recording studio. She also says they have now become a bit of a trademark; it will be interesting to see if she heads out on the Eurovision stage wearing them. Must be one of those self-confidence things, like Dumbo and his feather. Ridicule aside, this song moves along at a good pace, with a tempo that you can sway to. Marjetka has a brassy note to her voice that compliments the lyrics. This song scores a six on the toe-tapping scale and is distinctively pleasing, it should do well and give Slovenia their first real chance of winning Eurovision.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Poland – SF2

Artist : Monika Kuszyńska Song : In the name of love (English) In the name of love - Poland

Monika is a motivated and strong person who has fought hard to get to where she is. After a tragic car accident that left her partially paralysed, she was told that she could not continue performing. It took about 8 years of intense rehabilitation but she has managed to return to her passion of signing. Monika presents Poland’s entry and while she has a magnificent voice, the song, this ballad is boring. I am not sure what happens at the end of this song, because I just can’t stay awake through the whole thing. This is a horrid case of a fantastic singer with an average song. Listening to Monika’s voice you can hear the talent, the clarity and strength. With a better song I think Monika has the goods to win Eurovision, but sadly this song is flat and lifeless like three day old lemonade. Fingers crossed her talent will be enough to get her into the Grand Final.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Grand Finalist Y/N Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Eurovision 2015 – Reviews ©P. Stampone Page 15 of 20

Grand Final: Performance order not yet established:

Australia – GF

Artist : Guy Sebastian Song: Tonight again (Straylian) - (See end of review for English translation). Tonight Again - Australia

Eurovision organisers have allowed Australia to participate in Eurovision 2015 as a one off event to give an extra dimension to the 60th anniversary celebrations. Maybe Australia can weasel their way into Eurovision if we do well. To represent us we’re sending Guy Sebastian in the hopes that he won’t choke up like he did the last time he was in front of a major European crowd. Guy delivers “Tonight again” with his familiar formula of repeated lyrics, supportive harmonies and feminine voice. Guy managed to write, record, mix and finish this song within 2 days, talk about last minute. It’s not a bad song, I don’t really see it winning over the refined palate of the Eurovision voting community. Guy has put this song together with the musical equivalent of a Thermomix, he’s created something soft, simple and all he had to do was throw everything into the machine and wait three minutes. Considering the number of slow boring ballads this song is up against, who knows, Australia might score a couple of points.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Austria – GF

Artist : The Makemakes Song: I am yours (English) I am yours - Austria

The Makemakes are a fairly new band, forming in 2013 and had their first single on the domestic charts after only one month, shows they can perform and do well. Beating 16 other bands to represent Austria, the Makemakes then fall over themselves with this awful ballad. With all the rhythm of a pot-smoking hermit crab, this song just labours along like a sedated elephant looking for its final resting spot. There is no passion or soul to this song and the delivery is flat and manufactured. I really think the Makemakes could have represented Austria with a much better song. Quite frankly, this song doesn’t deserve any more of my insults.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

France: - GF

Artist: Lisa Angell Song: N’oubliez Pas (French) - (See end of review for English translation). N’oubliez Pas - France

I am not sure if France wanted to participate in this year’s Eurovision, but they certainly found someone completely disinterested in singing or trying to win. As usual with ballads this one starts off slow and builds up to a crescendo – not that you want to hear it anyway. Lisa’s performance is completely unconvincing like the excuse “it’s not you, it’s me”. I can’t tell if this song is about the impact war has on one’s community or the individuals in it or maybe it’s both – not sure. What I do know is that I lose interest at exactly one minute and 15 seconds and then have to sit through the remaining time waiting for the three minute time limit to expire – just like speed-dating. “Darling France, I know you expected this to go on forever and I am sorry to say that it’s over, but it’s not you, it’s me … not liking you anymore”.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Eurovision 2015 – Reviews ©P. Stampone Page 16 of 20

Germany – GF

Artist : Ann Sophie Song : Black smoke (English) Black Smoke - Germany

Born in London and raised in Hamburg, Ann Sophie has a deep passion for singing and at 24 she seems right at home performing on stage. Ann delivers “Black smoke” well but it may not stand out from the other Eurovision songs. “Black smoke” is a song about that point in a relationship where one person realises that they are unfulfilled and that it’s time to end it. This is where the song is a little confusing, because one would expect this to be quite a sad ballad, but Ann seems almost happy about it – maybe she really hated the guy? Not an unappealing song as long as you don’t put too much thought into it. I don’t dislike this song, but maybe watch it with your eyes closed because the song is about the end of love but she sings as though she just won a new car – maybe it’s a German thing.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Italy – GF

Artist : Il Volo Song : Grande amore (Italian) - (See end of review for English translation). Grande Amore - Italy

Italy is going for the Eurovision win this year and I think they may just have the ability to do it with this Pop Opera Trio. Over the past few years Il Volo has toured all over the world, releasing several highly successful albums, their debut album has sold over a million copies. No strangers to performing or success, they now turn their talent to Eurovision. It is hard to ignore the strength of their voices and the hypnotic performance in comparison to all the other songs. I think Italy might just beat the current favourites to win. The video clip they have created for this song is a tribute to some recognisable romantic scenes found in movies including “Ghost”, “Back to the Future” and “Spiderman”. This is a great song that will have you mesmerised until it finishes and then you realise that you just want it to keep going. “Grande amore” will get some serious votes from all the wannabe people out there who think of themselves as cultured – I know I will be voting for it for exactly that reason!

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

Spain - GF

Artist : Edurne Song : Amanecer (Spanish) - (See end of review for English translation). Amanecer - Spain

Straight off the musical assembly line, past all the quality assurance checks, this song is what you would expect from those hoping to duplicate last year’s Eurovision winner. Powerful song about heartbreak – check, powerful performance and high notes – check, song giving hope to the downtrodden – check, singer with great cheekbones – check. If this ballad was any more plastic it would be manufactured by Gladwrap. A real pity as Edurne has a fantastic voice, clear, powerful and intoxicating. Had they not hoped to just put up a ballad she may have been a real contender. I hope the voting crowd can see past that and throw some love Spain’s way.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

United Kingdom - GF

Singer : Electro Velvet Winner of the Toe Tapping Topper Award. Song : Still in love with you (English) Still in love with you - UK

Electro Velvet comes to Eurovision with this ten on the toe tapping scale tribute to Electro Swing (yes apparently it’s a thing and this is an example of that thing). While I have never heard of Electro Swing, I think this is very

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reminiscent of 1920’s Ragtime or Jazz. Maybe the UK is hoping to appeal to all the Downton Abby fans. I will admit that I love this song but “Still in love with you” will be very polarising having people either love it or hate it. I think it will appeal to those with simple needs (like me). This song has a nice balance of all things Eurovision – beat, sound, rhyme, unique voices, energy, pace and quirky instrumental accompaniment. Provided that they perform it well on the night, I think this song may score some serious votes, but then when it comes to voting for the U.K there is a reason why they have an 18 year losing streak. Enjoy this song for the simple fact it’s not a miserable ballad.

What do you think?

Score 1 (L) to 10 (H) Eurovision 2015 winner Y/N

English translations:

Australia – Tonight again Finland – I’m do it Oh Everyone’s got their problems There’s always something on your mind Oh but tonight we aint gotta solve them For now let’s leave them all behind Do whatchya whatchya whatchya want Do whatchya whatchya whatchya want Do whatchya whatchya whatchya want Oh get on it Ooh get on it. I don’t want tomorrow Oh baby tonight’s so good Tonight’s so good This is one tough act to follow Oh baby tonight’s so good Forget tomorrow We can do tonight again Oh! Some people might call ya crazy They say we only live for fun Ooh They may be right but only maybe But I can guarantee what we got is what they want Do whatchya whatchya whatchya want Do whatchya whatchya whatchya want Do whatchya whatchya whatchya want Oh get on it Ooh get on it. I don’t want tomorrow Oh baby tonight’s so good Tonight’s so good This is one tough act to follow Oh baby tonight’s so good Forget tomorrow We can do tonight again

I always have to clean up I always have to wash up I always have to see the doc I always have to go to work Can't go to my PC Can't watch my TV Can't even see my mates I always have to stay at home I always have to do things I always have to eat properly I always have to drink properly So no candy for me No soft drinks for me Not even alcohol I always have to rest I always have to sleep I always have to wake up I always have to take a shower (Apparently this is the best the translator could do!)

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France - N’oubliez Pas Italy – Great Love All that remains to me are tears These few notes that come from long ago And the song of our prayers Our hearts that hope And the emptiness under my steps All that remains to me are ashes Of my village plunged into silence I am but a wound A heart without an armour How do I survive after this But I am here, I don’t forget In my village swept away by history And I live here, don’t you forget Erased from maps and memories I remember the laughter of children The voices of men when they left for the field The harvest festivals The smell in the houses The bursts of love and joy But I am here, I don’t forget In my village swept away by history When they arrived Hidden behind their weapons They were thousands They laughed at our tears They wished to destroy Our beliefs and our souls With words of hatred That we did not know I am here tonight In the middle of these ruins To talk to you about hope And to sing life And I swear When the blood will dry That I will rebuild my city More beautiful than before But don’t forget

I close my eyes and think of her The sweet scent of her skin It’s a voice within that is bringing me where the sun arises Lonely are the words But if they go written everything can change With no fear anymore I want to scream this great love Love, just love, it’s what I feel… Tell me why when I think, I only think of you Tell me why when I see, I only see you Tell me why when I believe, I believe in you… great love Tell me that never That you’ll never leave me Tell me who you are Breath of the love days of mine Tell me that you know That you’ll only choose me Now you know it You’re my unique great love… Tell me why when I think, I only think of you Tell me why when I love, I only love you Tell me why when I live, I live inside you… great love Tell me that never That you’ll never leave me Tell me who you are Breath of the love days of mine Tell me that you know That I would never make a mistake Tell me that you are You’re my unique great love…

Eurovision 2015 – Reviews ©P. Stampone Page 19 of 20

Montenegro - Adio Portugal - Há um mar que nos separa The sky brought you to me, The sky took you from me, Still hurts me what used to hurt. My days are the walls My nights are the shackles (bonds) I’m still serving you, my love. I still don’t give you to the mists of the mountains, I still don’t give you to the depths of the water. And you ask me to let you go, forever To sink you into oblivion and say goodbye. Rosemary has blossomed, white lily has bent, Everything smells like sorrow. I try to forget, not to think of you, But my heart is still pining for you. I still don’t give you to the mists of the mountains, I still don’t give you to the depths of the water. And you ask me to let you go, forever To sink you into oblivion and say goodbye. A,a,a.... I still don’t give you to the mists of the mountains, I still don’t give you to the depths of the water. And you ask me to let you go, forever To sink you into oblivion and say goodbye.

It’s 3 a.m. And the rain falls down On the city streets Something’s missing deep inside of me I try to straighten up No will to do it at all I’m not myself If you’re not around If it’s the sea that separates us I will dry it with longing And press you against my chest In a kiss made of yearning I still have Your hands on my face And the taste of honey Of your mouth Crazy was the night When I met you Sad was the dawn When I lost you If it’s the sea that separates us I will dry it with longing And press you against my chest In a kiss made of yearning If it’s the sea that separates us I will dry it with longing And press you against my chest In a kiss made of yearning

Eurovision 2015 – Reviews ©P. Stampone Page 20 of 20

Romania – All over again Spain - Amanecer If my life was like a song Happy, sad, not right or wrong It would be all in the words…there Swim a river’s length to be Won’t stop till I reach the sea Sooner or later I’ll get there I swear Life is not a rehearsal, don’t look back You may lose what you dream You can’t pause a decision, or change track, When you don’t know what you mean. If the stars tomorrow, no longer shine on us, If a strong wind takes me, and I will turn to dust, You will be the reason, you will be the reason to start, To start all over again. If the sky clouds over, with darkness never gone, If the sun stays hidden, not waking in the dawn, You will be the reason, you will be the reason to start, To start all over again. I would run through the night in the darkness You are my sunshine that I seek No one can stop my heart being restless Hear it in the words I speak. If the stars tomorrow, no longer shine on us, If a strong wind takes me, and I will turn to dust, You will be the reason, you will be the reason to start, To start all over again. If the sky clouds over, with darkness never gone, If the sun stays hidden, not waking in the dawn, You will be the reason, you will be the reason to start, To start all over again. To start all over again. To start all over again. To start all over again. To start all over again.

He left without knowing That I did love him He left without believing me I lost my mind I bled so much love Now a vast emptiness lives in me It all brings me back to you EEEieEEO EEEieEEO My heart Whispered to me Don’t you come back without him On my way to yesterday Wherever he may be I challenge oblivion He left without knowing I never surrender EEEieEEO EEEieEEO My heart Whispered to me Don’t you come back without him EEEieEEO EEEieEEO It whispered Breathe my soul back into me Bring me back to The Break of Day You’re coming back with me