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Rev. Phillip SchankerOctober 15, 2011

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Family BreakdownIs America’s Great Moral and Social

CrisisFrom 1970 to 2000:• Rate of marriage declined by one third• Divorce rate has doubled• Married couples with children declined by one third• Out-of-wedlock births have tripled• Cohabitation (couples living together without

marriage) has increased 1000 %Source: U. S. Bureau of the Census

Current Population Reports, 1970-2000

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Family BreakdownDamages the Individual

Divorce is the #1 cause of childhood depression.National Institute of Child Health & Human Development

Family breakdown is the #1 cause of suicide by young men.

1994 Duke University study

Children of divorce are 5 times more likely to be suspended from school; 3 times as likely to need psychological counseling; twice as likely to repeat a grade; are absent from school more, late to school more often, and show more health problems.

Dr. Gene Brody “Study of Competence of Children & Families”

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Family BreakdownDamages the Individual

• 75% of all youth in substance-abuse programs• 63% of all youth suicides

• 75% of all youth in correctional institutions• 70% of all teen pregnancies

Centers for Disease Control / US Bureau of Justice

VICIOUS CYCLE 85% of teen fathers abandon their child and its mother.

Children Raised in Single Parent Homes Account For:

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The United States leads the industrialized world in the:

• percentage of single-parent homes (23%) • abortion rate (22.9 / 1,000 women aged 15-

44),• sexually transmitted diseases• teenage birth rate • use of illegal drugs by students (44.9 % in ‘98)• size of the prison population (327 / 100,000)..

Source: "Lost in America" by Tom Clegg and Warren Bird

Family Breakdown

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What kind of person am I?

Who am I ?

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My Ideal Mate

• Write an honest list of traits you look for in your ideal mate…

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My Ideal Mate “Young singles looking for a romantic partner are typically attracted to external traits. Physical attractiveness, economic potential and social status are usually high on the list. These are not, however, the qualities that they are likely to value in their spouses after they marry. Happily married couples, when they evaluate each other, tend to emphasize inner qualities: caring, honesty, trust, fidelity, commitment, and self-sacrifice for the sake of the marriage. They value communication skills, companionship, and humor.”

Thomas and Judy Lickona, Sex, Love and You

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My Ideal Mate

• Write an honest list of traits you look for in your ideal mate…

• Does your list……look like you?

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Does This Work… ?

Classified Ad:

“SWM, unhappy, dull, unsociable and self-absorbed couch potato ISO…

“SWF, interesting, warm, spiritual and outgoing with a passion for life.”

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My Ideal Mate

“You should concentrate on perfecting yourself first. Then you can begin to think of attaining an ideal partner.”

Rev. Moon

Goal: Become the PersonI Want My Mate to Be

“To be loved, be lovable.” Ovid

“No matter how good your partner is, you will not be able to see his or her value without you yourself being the best.”

Father

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True Love Begins…

Not by finding the right person, but by…Being the right person.

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CLasting Love

hemistry ?

ompatibility ?

onvenience ?

HARACTEROMMITMENTOMMUNICATIONOMPANIONSHIP

John R Williams

Questionable Idea:My Mate Will Make Me Whole

What Does It Mean to Bethe Best Person I Can Be?

Taking responsibility: • To become as healthy and mature as

possible

• To be a blessing to my mate

Paradox: One Plus One = One

Marital oneness builds on personal maturity

1. Unity of Mind & Body (individual perfection)

2. Harmony of Man & Woman

My ImmaturityBurdens My Mate

Not fair to depend on my spouse to make up for my shortcomings

• Self-centeredness • Lack of self-discipline• Lack of self-respect• Unhappiness

Key to Maturity: Attitude of Responsibility

• External responsibility (excellence)

• Internal responsibility (excellence)

John R Williams

Questionable Idea: Marriage Is Supposed to Make Me Happy

Marriage Is an Opportunity to Be Happy

• “Marriage does not make us happy—it makes us married. We make ourselves happy if we choose to.”

Frank Pittman

• We tend to be as happy in marriage as is our habit…

• “The strongest characteristic of a marriageable person is the habit of happiness.”

Dr. Mary G. Landis

Do I Have the Habit of Happiness?

1. Do I view difficulties as challengingor discouraging?

2. Can I be happy even when things don’t go my way?

3. Do I usually count my blessings or what’s missing?

4. Do I often compare my situation to others?

5. Is my attitude shaped by what happens around me?

Taking Responsibilityfor My Feelings

1. We decide how positive we will be

• Whether glass is “half-empty” or “half-full”

2. No one can make us joyful or angry

• We choose our attitude regardless of situation

3. A negative or positive outlook is a habit

Cultivate positive mental habits- “weed garden”

Marital Satisfaction Depends on Adapting My Attitude

Happy couples are able to accept and adjust to what is outside their control

• Focus on the positive

• Avoid blame, self-pity and resentment

Internally Responsible Attitude

• “I am committed to growing my heart and maturing my character to its full potential.”

• “I want to learn to love every kind of person.”

• “I want to take on difficulties to relieve others’ burdens and make a new future.”

• “I want to share God’s responsibility.”

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Becoming My Best Self1. Self-identity

- self-knowledge / awareness- self-worth

2. Maturity- integrity- conscience- self-discipline

3. Personal Development- interests, hobbies, etc.- life goals, study, career

4. Purity- Sexual abstinence- Not a “line,” but a lifestyle & attitude of heart

5. Sociability, Capacity to Love

Spiritual Maturity Family & Relationships

Personal Maturity precedes intimate relationships

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First Purpose Perfection of Individuality

God

Body

Character, Conscience, Integrity, Maturity

Perfected Person

Mind Words ActionsTrue

LoveMatthew 5:48

(be fruitful)

The Purpose of Creation

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Second Purpose Perfection of the Family

Creating a Family of True Love

God

TrueWoman

Children

TrueMan

True

Love

(multiply)

The Purpose of Creation

True Parent

s

Malachi 2:15

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NationBasic Unit of harmonious society, strong nation, peaceful World

Society

God

Child

TrueWoman

TrueMan

The Purpose of Creation

True Parent

s

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Third Purpose Perfection of Dominion

Loving Dominion over natural world

God

AllThings

Dominionof Love

TruePerson

True

Love

Stewardship

(dominion)

The Purpose of Creation

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Perfection of dominionThird Purpose

The Purpose of Creation

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We grow through 4 Realms of Heart

Children’s Love

Brother/sister Love

ConjugalLove

Parental Love

The Family: The School of Love

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