ARTISMFrom the Diagnostic &

Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV-TR

ICD-10 Chapter V: Mental and behavioural disorders

By Mike AtkinsBy Michael Botur

Images by George Buckleton

ARTISM is a disorder characterized by impaired tolerance for rules.[0] ARTISM affects mental processing by turning upsetting input into poignant ARTwork. How this occurs is not well understood.[1]

ARTISM is derived from the Greek αὐτός, meaning RECKLESS PURSUIT, and refers to «Withdrawal of the patient to his/her fantasies, against which any outside influence becomes an intolerable disturbance».[1]

It is unclear whether ARTISM is caused by ostracism during adolescence, or by song lyrics, or by genetic variants, such as an enlarged heart or gentle hands.[2] Associated birth defects include ocular super-vision [the ability to see through bullshit].

The ARTIST may find it easier to see in the dark than in the light.

Environmental causes for ARTISM have been proposed, such as heavy metal in the ears or Absinthe in the drinking water.[3]

Parents will notice signs of ARTISM developing, as the child sketches shadow-depth instead of superficial lines, or divines musical rhythms instinctually, or uses startling poetic neologism. Although early negative intervention [put-downs and indifference] can help ARTISTIC children become undistinguished citizens, there is no known cure.[5] Only a few ARTISTIC children manage to become fully cured of ARTISM. They go on to become ART critics.[8]

Characteristics ARTISM is a neurodevelopmental disorder [13] that first appears as the foetus grooves to Dylan’s drawl / by cupping its ear / on the stomach wall. Overt symptoms begin after the patient is sent sobbing to his/her room for questioning why s/he has to do P.E. instead of extra art classes [21]. Symptoms will bubble through adolescence before geysering out of the fingertips and lips in adulthood.

From the shadowy stairwell, the ARTIST listens to his/her parents fighting, just to experience their fury, their venom.

The ARTIST learns to fuck; the ARTIST learns to fight.

A triad of symptoms distinguishes ARTISM: impairments in social interaction [saying what the patient actually thinks]; impairments in communication [refusing to mouth clichés]; and restricted interests and repetitive behaviour [reading a book of Edward Hopper paintings while the patient’s mates watch the Warriors].

The ARTIST is fired for blogging at work.

The blog is more important than the job.

Never ask the ARTIST, ‘What do you do?’;

ask the ARTIST what they won’t do.

Social Deficits People with ARTISM lack social intuition.[34]

ARTISTS may utter a cutting phrase about an interlocutor’s installation piece, their haircut, or their relationship situation, because life is too brief not to speak the truth.

Unusual social development becomes apparent early in childhood. ARTISTIC infants can’t understand how RIGHTS can be debated, how TRUTH can be contestable.

The ARTIST laughs at the news and cries at How I Met Your Mother.

ARTISTs’ eyes are cold needles stealing samples.

ARTISTs shield themselves with pseudonyms.

The ARTIST has trouble expressing him/herself through small talk, and must communicate through a

keyboard, canvas, korowai, writing, rhyming, photography, poetry, sculpture, scripture, satire.

For ARTISTs, quality in friendship is prized over quantity. The ARTIST will talk to his/her friend as if the friend is a pre-execution prison priest. The ARTIST will discuss prickly, deeply sensitive and controversial subjects as if they were discussing Shortland Street.[55]

It is agony for the ARTIST to say anything insincere.

The data suggests that ARTISM is associated with self-destruction, disputes, vendettas and vengeance. The ARTIST may have a volatile relationship with his/her friends and lovers; the entomologist who tires of the flapping fly will always squash it. There are other flies.

Always question the ARTIST’s integrity.

A 2007 study reported that ARTISTIC frustration and depression was linked to language impairments, especially the lack of performing arts venues in the ARTIST’s Lion Red lay-by highway hometown [89]. Screaming at the stars in a cold Friday quarry is no substitute for talking to an audience.

Communication Many individuals with ARTISM do not meet their daily communication needs, and must speak through podcasts, songs, magazines and book clubs.[144] Differences in communication may include alternative fashion sense, original expressions, and diminished fuck-giving. ARTISTs must vent the verse boiling in their brains. They may speak through the mime of their hips, the bite of their camera lens, the punch of their eye-whites, the laceration of their paint brush, the pout of their lips, the tattoo of their pen, the mosh of their head, the roar of their lungs.

ARTISTIC individuals tend to have attention deficiencies; or rather, the ARTIST pays attention to matters deemed trivial by the ARTLESS world. [233]

The ARTIST will look at a pointing hand instead of the object pointed at.

Repetitive Behaviour ARTISM results in repetitive or restricted behaviour.

ARTISM results in repetitive or restricted behaviour.

ARTISTs listen respectfully to painful performances, talk to bums, slurp that extra drink, hold that tablet under the tongue, stay late with a lonely friend to give the coffee pot closure.

The ARTIST trips while running in their shackles.

Other symptoms An estimated 5% to 11% of individuals show unusual abilities, such as converting their ARTISM into income.[377]

ARTISTIC individuals hold their money like an animal which could bite them. They soon return to poverty to derive that adrenaline kickback.[610]

The ARTIST is too poor not to smoke, to snort, to drink, to dance.

Individuals with ARTISM cannot restrain themselves from giving up their time to

help others with ARTISTIC projects, even if this means not working, or not relaxing.

Hypersensitivity is found in over 97% of those with ARTISM, [987].

No hypochondriac would be crazy enough to claim ARTISM.

Unusual eating behaviour occurs commonly: subjects may go days subsisting only on Lucky Strikes and lagers, pub chips or bags of apricots from friends with fruit trees.

The ARTIST begins maturity earlier than his/her peers, and recedes into immaturity as life becomes less forgiving.

The ARTIST sleeps with clichés, then feels sickened in the morning.

ARTISM is a degenerative disorder. There are times when the ARTIST does not receive enough praise to heal the wounds caused by negative reviews, empty front rows, unread writings and unseen exhibitions.

The ARTIST sells his/her bed to keep his/her bookcase.

Drought and downpour, starvation and smorgasbord: To the ARTIST, compliments are cash.

Causes of ARTISM The ARTIST’s chromosomes are arranged in curling ribbons and origami swans, balloon animals and gentle koru.

The ARTIST has eyes on every side of its head.

Pathophysiology ARTISM affects the throat, retinae, fingernails, wrists, wallet and genitals of the patient.[1597]

The brains of ARTISTS may be larger than usual, resulting in big-headedness or heightened concern for the welfare of fellow ARTISTs, or both. The two are indistinguishable.

The ARTIST’s excitatory–inhibitory networks will often be unbalanced: when good news is received, enthusiasm will gush like a ruptured artery, while rejection may have a terminal result. [2584]

Nervous and Immune Systems and Injury Nervous and Immune System weaknesses have been known to kill ARTISTIC patients. The ARTIST may be born without immunity to criticism; and the ARTIST’s nervous system often runs in overdrive. Nervous symptoms include self-deprecation, feeble handshakes, aborted hugs, stuttering, sweating and looking at one’s feet.

ARTISTIC self-injury includes nail biting, cigarette smoking, alcohol poisoning, drug comas, dancing until the metatarsals snap, and challenging hierarchies.

Sufferers of ARTISM don’t flinch when burned.

The ARTIST is a jaywalker.

The ARTIST cannot find an answer in the FAQs.

ARTISM can be cured by commenting on the patient’s creations without authority, empathy or objectivity. Repeated injections of negativity will eventually eradicate all trace of ARTISM.

ARTISTs throw this Diagnostic & Statistical Manual down in disgust, and write their own definitions. [4181]