© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.1 High Conflict Parents What Can You Do?

1© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.

High Conflict Parents

What Can You Do?


The High Conflict Parent

Range of Behaviors (Johnston)1. Verbal sniping, passive

aggression

2. Arguments, interference

3. Aggression via the courts

4. Threats, stalking

5. Property damage

6. Physical violence, murder


The High Conflict Parent How many divorcing parents are

HIGH CONFLICT?

80%

10% 10%Low, Settle

Low, Court

High, Court



Costs (to parents) attorneys, mediators,

evaluators therapists, counselors time lost from work (e.g,

hearings)



Costs (to parents), cont’d day care supervised visitation drug/alcohol monitoring lowered functioning



Public costs (taxpayers) Court, judge, magistrate, security Evaluation, mediation,

counselors Guardian ad litem Children’s services Schools (four times more

services)


Reasons for Conflict Failing the Tasks of

Divorce1. Unable to accept the failure of the marriage

In emotional shockCan’t recognize both are

woundedCan’t see both points of viewFeeling personally rejectedWon’t seek personal help


Reasons for Conflict

2. Unable to recognize the divorce as a family crisis

Failure to protect the children

Failure to plan for financial health

Failure to plan the process of uncoupling


Reasons for Conflict

3. Unable to Perform the Psychological Tasks of Divorce Limit and structure contact with “ex” Find safe outlet for strong emotions Find sounding board Get help: Legal, psychological Healthy perspective: Healing vs. revenge Separate parenting from marital roles


Assumptions of Conflicted Parents “My needs are more important.” “The other parent cannot be

trusted.” “The other parent is a danger to

my child.” “My child will benefit in spite of

conflict.”


Assumptions of Conflicted Parents “Only my view of my child’s

needs is valid.” “My child must have one house,

one set of goals, one set of rules.”

“My attorney must represent my interests at all costs”


Assumptions of Conflicted Parents “The court must validate my point

of view.” “I may need to expend all

assets.” “Any level of anger/violence is

justified.” “Any reasonable person would

agree with me.”


Court Options Temporary rulings Restraining orders Case management Court-ordered services

Education Mental health Evaluations


Court Options Mental Health

Co-parenting coordinators Supervised visitation Family, individual therapy


Court Options Child and Family Evaluations

Should be home based & behavioral

Focus on child’s needsAssess parent’s capabilitiesAssess causes, cures of

conflictParents need accurate view

of child and selvesShould lead to a flexible plan


Non-Court Options Therapy Private Mediation Therapeutic Mediation Collaborative Law


Conflict Reduction1. Both parents need

information on potential harm of conflict

2. Respond without escalation

3. Learn communication skills

4. Resolve blame and guilt

5. Focusing on the future

6. Increasing focus on children


1. Types of conflict

Destructive conflict focus on winning (and

retaliating for loss) proving who is right

Constructive conflict focus on problem solving


2. Using “Akido” Accept conflict, move it out of

harm’s way Center yourself; take deep breaths Don’t get defensive; accept other’s

concern Remain detached; ask questions Work with other vs. challenging

them


3. Communication skills

Make agenda, stay on the topic

Use “I” messages Use “Active Listening” Rephrase and re-label


More communication skills Ask questions

about what the children need

about what the other parent needs

about how to meet all needs


4. Resolving blame and guiltTry these sentence completions (and

share with other parent)

1. I am angry at you for ____________

2. I am angry at myself for ____________


4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d

3. I should have _____________________

4. You should have _____________________

5. I wish we could have _____________________



6. I am sorry for_____________

7. I want you to acknowledge__

8. I feel that you owe me_____

9. I feel that I owe you _______



10. I need to forgive myself for _______

11. I need to forgive you for __________



12. By knowing you, I learned and gained the following __________________

13. I have enriched you in the following ways

_________________



14. I wish _____________________

15. I also wish _____________________


5. Focus on the Future

Acknowledge the other’s feelings

Acknowledge your own feelings

We cannot change the past We can control the future


6. Increasing Child Focus

Verbal or written exercise for parents (only include what

both parents agree on)

A. We have the following goals and hopes for

our children:


6. Increasing Child Focus, cont’d

B. When our children become adults and look back on this period in their lives, we would like them to be able to say the following about us as parents:


6. Increasing Child Focus, cont’d

C. We as parents can achieve the two

items above by doing the following together:


7. Cooperative conflict style

Be straightforward and direct

Accept legitimacy of other’s concerns

Use persuasion vs. threats Seek mutually acceptable

solutions


7. Cooperative conflict style, cont’d

Emphasize common interests and areas of mutual agreement

Build power and resources of both


Further Information

The Center for Divorce EducationP.O. Box 5900

Athens, OH 45701

740-594-7173

www.divorce-education.com

© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.1 High Conflict Parents What Can You Do?

Documents

Transcript of © 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.1 High Conflict Parents What Can You Do?