1© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
High Conflict Parents
What Can You Do?
2© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
The High Conflict Parent
Range of Behaviors (Johnston)1. Verbal sniping, passive
aggression
2. Arguments, interference
3. Aggression via the courts
4. Threats, stalking
5. Property damage
6. Physical violence, murder
3© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
The High Conflict Parent How many divorcing parents are
HIGH CONFLICT?
80%
10% 10%Low, Settle
Low, Court
High, Court
4© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
The High Conflict Parent
Costs (to parents) attorneys, mediators,
evaluators therapists, counselors time lost from work (e.g,
hearings)
5© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
The High Conflict Parent
Costs (to parents), cont’d day care supervised visitation drug/alcohol monitoring lowered functioning
6© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
The High Conflict Parent
Public costs (taxpayers) Court, judge, magistrate, security Evaluation, mediation,
counselors Guardian ad litem Children’s services Schools (four times more
services)
7© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
Reasons for Conflict Failing the Tasks of
Divorce1. Unable to accept the failure of the marriage
In emotional shockCan’t recognize both are
woundedCan’t see both points of viewFeeling personally rejectedWon’t seek personal help
8© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
Reasons for Conflict
2. Unable to recognize the divorce as a family crisis
Failure to protect the children
Failure to plan for financial health
Failure to plan the process of uncoupling
9© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
Reasons for Conflict
3. Unable to Perform the Psychological Tasks of Divorce Limit and structure contact with “ex” Find safe outlet for strong emotions Find sounding board Get help: Legal, psychological Healthy perspective: Healing vs. revenge Separate parenting from marital roles
10© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
Assumptions of Conflicted Parents “My needs are more important.” “The other parent cannot be
trusted.” “The other parent is a danger to
my child.” “My child will benefit in spite of
conflict.”
11© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
Assumptions of Conflicted Parents “Only my view of my child’s
needs is valid.” “My child must have one house,
one set of goals, one set of rules.”
“My attorney must represent my interests at all costs”
12© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
Assumptions of Conflicted Parents “The court must validate my point
of view.” “I may need to expend all
assets.” “Any level of anger/violence is
justified.” “Any reasonable person would
agree with me.”
13© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
Court Options Temporary rulings Restraining orders Case management Court-ordered services
Education Mental health Evaluations
14© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
Court Options Mental Health
Co-parenting coordinators Supervised visitation Family, individual therapy
15© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
Court Options Child and Family Evaluations
Should be home based & behavioral
Focus on child’s needsAssess parent’s capabilitiesAssess causes, cures of
conflictParents need accurate view
of child and selvesShould lead to a flexible plan
16© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
Non-Court Options Therapy Private Mediation Therapeutic Mediation Collaborative Law
17© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
Conflict Reduction1. Both parents need
information on potential harm of conflict
2. Respond without escalation
3. Learn communication skills
4. Resolve blame and guilt
5. Focusing on the future
6. Increasing focus on children
18© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
1. Types of conflict
Destructive conflict focus on winning (and
retaliating for loss) proving who is right
Constructive conflict focus on problem solving
19© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
2. Using “Akido” Accept conflict, move it out of
harm’s way Center yourself; take deep breaths Don’t get defensive; accept other’s
concern Remain detached; ask questions Work with other vs. challenging
them
20© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
3. Communication skills
Make agenda, stay on the topic
Use “I” messages Use “Active Listening” Rephrase and re-label
21© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
More communication skills Ask questions
about what the children need
about what the other parent needs
about how to meet all needs
22© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
4. Resolving blame and guiltTry these sentence completions (and
share with other parent)
1. I am angry at you for ____________
2. I am angry at myself for ____________
23© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d
3. I should have _____________________
4. You should have _____________________
5. I wish we could have _____________________
24© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d
6. I am sorry for_____________
7. I want you to acknowledge__
8. I feel that you owe me_____
9. I feel that I owe you _______
25© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d
10. I need to forgive myself for _______
11. I need to forgive you for __________
26© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d
12. By knowing you, I learned and gained the following __________________
13. I have enriched you in the following ways
_________________
27© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
4. Resolving blame and guilt, cont’d
14. I wish _____________________
15. I also wish _____________________
28© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
5. Focus on the Future
Acknowledge the other’s feelings
Acknowledge your own feelings
We cannot change the past We can control the future
29© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
6. Increasing Child Focus
Verbal or written exercise for parents (only include what
both parents agree on)
A. We have the following goals and hopes for
our children:
30© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
6. Increasing Child Focus, cont’d
B. When our children become adults and look back on this period in their lives, we would like them to be able to say the following about us as parents:
31© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
6. Increasing Child Focus, cont’d
C. We as parents can achieve the two
items above by doing the following together:
32© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
7. Cooperative conflict style
Be straightforward and direct
Accept legitimacy of other’s concerns
Use persuasion vs. threats Seek mutually acceptable
solutions
33© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
7. Cooperative conflict style, cont’d
Emphasize common interests and areas of mutual agreement
Build power and resources of both
34© 2001, Jack Arbuthnot, Ph.D.
Further Information
The Center for Divorce EducationP.O. Box 5900
Athens, OH 45701
740-594-7173
www.divorce-education.com
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