Post on 26-Dec-2015
description
INT. TODAY SHOW SET - DAY
KATHIE LEE
Welcome back to the Today Show.
This is the special episode where
Regis Philbin is going to join us
and stuff seven eggs in his mouth.
HODA
Why is he gonna stuff seven eggs in
his mouth?
KATHIE LEE
Because he’s a moron--just like all
of our viewers. Especially Randall
O’Shaughnessy of Milwaukee,
Wisconsin.
INT. HOME - DAY
A MAN with a t-shirt that says "I’M RANDALL O’SHAUGHNESSY"
is watching the Today Show.
MAN
Hey!
INT. TODAY SHOW SET - DAY
KATHIE LEE
(looks back at camera)
OK, morons. Before we get to
Regis, we’ve got some breaking news
for you from Washington.
HODA
Wow! Breaking news from Washington?
Kathie Lee slaps Hoda in the face.
KATHIE LEE
Stop talking so much, bitch! Are
you Kathie Lee?
HODA
No. I’m Hoda.
KATHIE LEE
Who’s Kathie Lee?
2.
HODA
You’re Kathie Lee.
Kathie Lee takes out a contract.
KATHIE LEE
Now look at Kathie Lee’s contract.
Look at it!
She slaps Hoda with the contract.
KATHIE LEE
Article 1. "Kathie Lee gets to talk
80% of the time." Article 2: "Hoda
gets to talk 20% of the time."
Article 3: "Kathie Lee gets
unlimited Skittles." Article 4:
"Kathie Lee gets
unlimited man-slaves."
Zoom out to reveal that Kathie Lee is holding a leash that’s
around the neck of JOHNNY (40, white).
KATHIE LEE
(to Johnny)
Give me some Skittles, man slave!
Johnny pours some Skittles into her hand. Kathie Lee pours
them in her mouth and begins chewing.
HODA
Isn’t slavery illegal?
KATHIE LEE
Are you a constitutional lawyer?
HODA
No. I’m Hoda.
KATHIE LEE
Well listen, Hoda. The 13th and
14th amendments made the
enslavement of black
people illegal. All of my slaves
are white.
(to Slave)
Isn’t that right, Johnny?
JOHNNY
Yes, Mrs. Gifford. We’re all very,
very Caucasian. Except for DeAndre.
3.
KATHIE LEE
DeAndre’s not my slave! He’s my
intern.
The camera reveals DEANDRE (25, black).
KATHIE LEE
DeAndre. Go make me some coffee!
DEANDRE
Yes, Mrs. Gifford.
KATHIE LEE
You know, if you weren’t black, I’d
enslave you.
DEANDRE
Well. Then I guess I’m happy to be
black.
KATHIE LEE
(to camera)
Anyways, here’s the breaking news.
Apparently, a group of aliens have
landed outside of the White House.
HODA
On a Monday morning? If I were an
alien, I’d get here on a Sunday
afternoon, when people are in a
better mood.
Kathie Lee slaps her again.
KATHIE LEE
Shut up!
(turns and yells out)
DeAndre! Where the hell is my
coffee!
DEANDRE
It’s almost ready, Mrs. Gifford.
KATHIE LEE
And where are the eggs?! Regis is
gonna be here any minute!
DEANDRE
You didn’t tell me to buy eggs.
KATHIE LEE
DeAndre--this is the Today Show,
and you’re my intern. That means
(MORE)
4.
KATHIE LEE (cont’d)it’s implied that you’re supposed
to have at least 24 eggs on hand at
all times.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY
PRESIDENT JOE (45) is sitting at his desk. He pulls some
scotch tape out of its holder, and tapes it to his nose. His
assistant HARRY (45) walks in.
HARRY
President Joe. There are some
aliens outside who want to talk to
you.
PRESIDENT JOE
Again? Freaking aliens. What do
they want this time?
HARRY
Actually, this is the first time
aliens have made contact with human
beings.
PRESIDENT JOE
That’s not true. My stepmother is
an alien.
HARRY
Um. I think you’re confusing your
life with a shitty 1980s movie
called My Stepmother is an Alien.
PRESIDENT JOE
Is that the movie about Leonard,
and how he’s Part 6?
HARRY
No. You’re thinking of another
shitty 80s movie.
PRESIDENT JOE
Which one?
HARRY
The one that’s called Leonard Part
6.
PRESIDENT JOE
Well which one is My Stepmother is
an Alien?
5.
HARRY
It’s the one about a stepmother
who’s an alien.
PRESIDENT JOE
Oh yeah. Right. I guess I should
stop getting high on acid so
much. I’m gonna mention that in my
next State of the Union
Address. So, uh, there are aliens
here?
HARRY
Yeah. And their leader wants to see
you.
PRESIDENT JOE
Um. Do you think he wants to kick
my ass?
HARRY
I don’t know. I mean, I’d like to
kick your ass, and your ex-wife
would like to kick your ass, and
according to a recent CNN poll, 53
million Americans would like to
kick your ass. But I don’t know
about the alien.
PRESIDENT JOE
OK. I guess I’ll have a meeting
with the alien. Um. One more
question. Is he black?
HARRY
What?
PRESIDENT JOE
You know. Is he, like, a black guy?
HARRY
He’s an alien. You know. A to the
izz L, I to the E-N.
PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah. But is he the black guy
equivalent of an alien? Like, is he
to aliens what a black guy is to
people?
HARRY
I don’t know. Why?
6.
PRESIDENT JOE
No reason. I’m not racist or
anything. I mean, my Vice President
is black. By the way--where is that
black son of a bitch?
HARRY
Um. That’s a very racist thing to
say.
PRESIDENT JOE
What’s so racist about it?
HARRY
You referred to the Vice President
as a "black son of a bitch."
PRESIDENT JOE
So. Whenever I talk about you
behind your back, I refer to you as
a white son of a bitch. I also
sometimes call you a lazy, no good,
lying piece of shit.
HARRY
Well. "Black son of a bitch" is
racist, but "white son of a bitch"
isn’t.
PRESIDENT JOE
What about "Jew son of a bitch?" Is
that racist?
HARRY
Well. I guess that depends on
whether you classify Jews as a
race. Anyways, the aliens are
waiting for you, you white son of a
bitch.
PRESIDENT JOE
Alright. So do you think this is
gonna take a long time, you white
son of a bitch?
HARRY
That’s tough to say, you white son
of a bitch. We’re not sure what the
aliens want. And we don’t know
anything about the conversational
style of aliens. You know. We don’t
know if they’re succinct, of if
they just go on and on about
(MORE)
7.
HARRY (cont’d)everything, the way Senator Cruz
does.
PRESIDENT JOE
Right. Senator Cruz is a
long-winded Mexican son of a bitch.
HARRY
Sir. That’s racist.
PRESIDENT JOE
What? I can’t say "Mexican son of a
bitch?"
HARRY
No. Not to mention the fact that
Senator Cruz is a Cuban son of a
bitch. I mean, uh, he’s Cuban.
PRESIDENT JOE
And he’s a son of a bitch.
HARRY
Yes. But he’s not a Cuban son of a
bitch. His Cubanness and son of a
bitch-edness are independent from
each other. Anyways--the aliens are
waiting, you white son of a bitch.
PRESIDENT JOE
Well--do you think this meeting
with the aliens is gonna take more
than five minutes, you white son of
a bitch? ’Cause, you know, I got a
golf game at 10.
HARRY
I don’t know.
PRESIDENT JOE
Well, if it does go on for a while,
bring Senator Cruz over here so
that son of a bitch can talk to the
aliens. Senator Cruz is Cuban, by
the way.
8.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
President Joe walks out of the White House, and sees a lone
ALIEN (BOB ALIENINSKY) standing near the door.
PRESIDENT JOE
Hello. Welcome to earth. I’m
President Joe. Joe Smith.
ALIEN
I am President Bob. Bob
Alieninsky. How’s it going?
PRESIDENT JOE
Alright. So, uh, what brings you
here, Bobby?
ALIEN
Bobby?
PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah.
ALIEN
My name is Bob. On my planet, there
are no name variations. If you’re
Bob, you’re Bob. That’s it.
PRESIDENT JOE
Oh. OK, Bob. So what brings you
here, asshole?
ALIEN
Nothing really. We just want some
land.
PRESIDENT JOE
Wait a second, Bobby. Are you
trying to take over this planet?
ALIEN
No. Just Detroit. And stop calling
me Shirley.
PRESIDENT JOE
I din’t call you Shirley. I called
you Bobby.
ALIEN
My name is Bob.
9.
PRESIDENT JOE
OK, Bob. So you guys want Detroit?
ALIEN
Yeah.
PRESIDENT JOE
Just so we’re clear here--you want
the Detroit that’s in Michigan?
ALIEN
Yeah. We want that Detroit. We’ll
pay you for it.
He opens a suitcase and reveals stacks of McDonald’s gift
cards.
ALIEN
I didn’t have time to go to the
moneychangers. Is it cool if I pay
you in McDonald’s Gift Cards?
PRESIDENT JOE
That’s OK. You can just
have Detroit for free. We’ll throw
in Cleveland, too.
ALIEN
We don’t want Cleveland. Just
Detroit.
PRESIDENT JOE
OK. Are you gonna take Detroit with
you to your planet?
ALIEN
No. We’re just gonna hang out in
Detroit.
PRESIDENT JOE
You can take it with you if you
want.
ALIEN
No.
PRESIDENT JOE
I’m just saying. We’ll give you
$100 billion to attach Detroit to
your spaceship and take it to
another planet. And we’ll throw in
another $100 billion if that planet
is in another galaxy.
10.
ALIEN
We’re just gonna hang out in
Detroit on Earth. By the way--why
do you call your planet "Earth?"
PRESIDENT JOE
Well. You know.
ALIEN
No. I don’t know.
PRESIDENT JOE
It’s Earth. Our planet is Earth.
’Cause, like, the soil is made of
earth.
ALIEN
How do you figure?
PRESIDENT JOE
Well, what do you call the soil on
your planet?
ALIEN
What do we call it? We call it
soil.
PRESIDENT JOE
You don’t also call it earth?
ALIEN
Why the hell would we call our soil
"earth?"
PRESIDENT JOE
I don’t know. Just, ’cause, you
know... it’s earth.
ALIEN
Than you. That was very
educational.
PRESIDENT JOE
What’s your planet called?
ALIEN
Jurth.
PRESIDENT JOE
Jurth?
11.
ALIEN
Yes. Jurth.
PRESIDENT JOE
Well where is jurth?
ALIEN
Well. You get on the 405 Freeway,
go south for 15 miles, and then go
up in the sky for 1.27 million
light years.
PRESIDENT JOE
Let me write that down.
He takes out his iPhone.
ALIEN
Is that an iPhone 6?
PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah.
ALIEN
What are you--a fag or something?
On Jurth, everyone has at least an
iPhone 977.
PRESIDENT JOE
You shouldn’t say "fag." That’s
homophobic.
ALIEN
Homophobic? What are you--a fag or
something?
PRESIDENT JOE
Anyways...
(begins typing on his iPhone)
You said 15 miles south, and then
1.27 million light years in the
sky?
ALIEN
Right. If you make it to the
Chipotle in the Makerac Galaxy,
that means you’ve gone too far.
PRESIDENT JOE
There’s Chipotle in other galaxies?
12.
ALIEN
Yeah. And they have free
guacamole. So shall we move in to
Detroit?
PRESIDENT JOE
I guess. But, uh, what about the
people who live in Detroit right
now?
ALIEN
Can you tell them to move?
PRESIDENT JOE
Well. I have a better idea. How
about you just take them to your
planet?
ALIEN
Uh. I’d rather not.
PRESIDENT JOE
I’ll give you $300 billion.
ALIEN
Look. We’re not gonna do it. On
Jurth, we only have Jurthans. We
don’t want any Detroitians.
PRESIDENT JOE
Fine. Whatever.
ALIEN
Great. So uh, did you see the
Finale of How I Met Your Mother? It
was good--wasn’t it?
PRESIDENT JOE
Um. I haven’t seen it--but Senator
Cruz has. I’ll have him come over
here to discuss it with you.
INT. CAR - DAY
President Joe is in the backseat with Harry, while a DRIVER
drives.
PRESIDENT JOE
(on car phone)
Yeah. Detroit. ... Yeah. Aliens.
... Yeah. Chipotle. ... Yeah. Two
strippers. ... OK.
13.
He hangs up the phone.
PRESIDENT JOE
That was The Jerry Springer Show.
I’m gonna be on next Wednesday. Is
there any way I can do the State of
the Union Address during The Jerry
Springer Show?
HARRY
Mr. President. Why do you insist on
having a car phone?
PRESIDENT JOE
Because I want to use a phone while
I’m in the car.
HARRY
But why a car phone? Why not use
your cell phone?
PRESIDENT JOE
Why would I use a cell phone in the
car, when I have a car phone in the
car?
HARRY
A car phone is unnecessary when you
already have a cell phone. You can
just use a cell phone in the car.
PRESIDENT JOE
Listen. I use the right phone for
each location. When I’m at home, I
use a home phone. When I’m in a
car, I use a car phone. When I’m in
a crackhouse, I use a crackhouse
phone.
HARRY
There’s no such thing as an
crackhouse phone, you jackass.
PRESIDENT JOE
(to the Driver)
Driver. Is he allowed to call me a
jackass?
DRIVER
I don’t know, Mr. President.
14.
PRESIDENT JOE
I see. ... Are we there yet?
DRIVER
Not yet, jackass.
EXT. GOLF COURSE - DAY
President Joe puts a ball and misses the hole. He turns
around in the direction of a CAMERA CREW.
CAMERA MAN
OK. We’re on in five, four, three,
two, one.
PRESIDENT JOE
(addressing camera)
Zero. My fellow Americans. What’s
going on? It’s President Joe. I,
uh, just had a little chat with an
alien. President Bob Something. Not
Bobby. He’s kind of a douchebag.
... Alright. That pretty much sums
it up. I have to go back to work
now and do some vetoing. I’m gonna
veto some shitty laws. That’s my
job. I’m President Joe. The End.
He grabs a golf club and makes a put. He turns around and
addresses the camera again.
PRESIDENT JOE
Oh. One more thing. I gave the
aliens Detroit--so if that’s where
you live, you’re gonna have to move
somewhere else. Oh. Also, I’m gonna
be on The Jerry Springer Show this
Wednesday.
He takes his ball out of the hole, and walks away.
INT. NEWS ROOM - DAY
NEWS ANCHOR
...And that’s why Jean Claude Van
Damme was wearing a corset and
playing the harmonica.
Zoom out to reveal JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME sitting next to
him.
15.
JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME
Actually, that’s not why.
NEWS ANCHOR
And in other news, aliens landed in
America at 9 o’clock this morning,
and had a chat with President Joe,
reportedly about land, Chipotle,
and The How I Met Your Mother
Finale. An episode I hated, by the
way. It was totally stupid. ... And
after a very brief negotiation,
the President gave the aliens the
entire city of Detroit. And here to
analyze the situation is our
analyzing guy, Jim Sedowitz.
Jim--how much will the Detroit
giveaway affect the President’s
chances of being reelected in
November?
JIM
Well--not that much, considering
how there’s no election this year,
and the President is in his second
term. By the way--that’s the 15th
dumbest question you’ve asked me
this month, right behind, "What
percentage of Secret Servicemen are
ninjas?"
NEWS ANCHOR
OK. But how will all of this
Detroit stuff affect the
President’s popularity? Is that a
dumb question?
JIM
No. That’s a good question. Right
after the President gave Detroit to
the aliens, his approval rating
went from 38% to 84%.
NEWS ANCHOR
So since 100 minus 84 is 16, does
that mean that President’s
unnapproval rating is 16%?
JIM
Yes.
16.
NEWS ANCHOR
And was that a stupid question?
JIM
Yes.
NEWS ANCHOR
Alright. I got a good one. How has
President Joe’s approval rating
been affected by the high
unemployment rate among ninjas? And
are voters aware that the President
has no ninjas in his secret service
or his cabinet?
JIM
That’s the seventh dumbest question
you’ve asked me this month, right
after, "Does the word ’president’
have anything with the word
’precedent?’ Anyways, we asked
voters what the President could do
to send his approval rating even
higher, and they mentioned two
things: giving the aliens
Cleveland, and
making guacamole free at Chipotle.
NEWS ANCHOR
Hey. I’m from Cleveland.
JIM
Well. That explains why you’re such
a dipshit.
NEWS ANCHOR
I see. And what do Detroit
residents think of all of this?
JIM
Well. They love Chipotle’s
guacamole.
NEWS ANCHOR
And what do they think about the
fact that their city has been given
to the aliens?
JIM
Well, 99% of Detroit residents
don’t know about the alien thing,
because they’re ignorant. But I’m
told the other 1% have very strong
opinions on the matter.
17.
EXT. CRACKHOUSE - DAY
The President is on the phone, talking to MAYOR WAYANS (50,
black).
MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)
Mr. President. It’s Ed Wayans.
PRESIDENT JOE
Are you the guy from In Living
Color?
MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)
No. I’m the Governor of Detroit.
PRESIDENT JOE
Don’t you mean the Mayor of
Detroit?
MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)
Whatever. I’m the main guy that the
city voted for.
PRESIDENT JOE
OK. What do you want?
MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)
I want you to not give Detroit to
the aliens.
PRESIDENT JOE
But I already gave it to them. I
can’t take it back. I wouldn’t want
to be a white man giver.
MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)
A what?
PRESIDENT JOE
A white man giver. You know.
Someone who gives something, and
then takes it back.
MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)
Isn’t that an Indian giver?
PRESIDENT JOE
Well, the term Indian giver is
offensive to Indians, so I use
"white man giver" instead. I do
that with a lot of racially
offensive terms. Like, I call the
Washington Redskins the Washington
Rednecks.
18.
MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)
But if you say things like
"Washington Rednecks" and "white
man givers," isn’t that offensive
to white men?
PRESIDENT JOE
Well, what do you want me to say
instead of white man giver and
Washington Rednecks? Mexican givers
and Washington RedMexicans?
MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)
Um. I guess white man giver is OK.
PRESIDENT JOE
OK. Great. I’m glad we settled that
matter. Bye.
MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)
Wait a second. What about Detroit?
PRESIDENT JOE
What about it?
MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)
You gave it to the aliens.
PRESIDENT JOE
Right.
MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)
If there’s no Detroit, then I can’t
be the governor of Detroit.
PRESIDENT JOE
Even if there is a Detroit, you
can’t be the governor. You can be
the mayor.
MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)
Whatever. You get my point. If
there’s no Detroit, I can’t be the
leader of Detroit.
PRESIDENT JOE
Well. You can still be the leader
of all the people who voted for
you. But not in Detroit. Just lead
them somewhere else.
19.
MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)
Lead them somewhere else? What do I
look like--Moses?
PRESIDENT JOE
I don’t know what you look like.
I’m talking to you on a crackhouse
phone--not a video phone.
Zoom out to reveal that the President is in a crackhouse.
MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)
Crackhouse phone?
PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah. OK. Nice talking to you,
Mayor.
MAYOR WAYANS (ON PHONE)
Governor.
PRESIDENT JOE
Mayor.
INT. TODAY SHOW SET - DAY
KATHIE LEE
Alright. If you’re just joining us,
I had to tape Hoda’s mouth shut
earlier during the show, because
she was talking too much.
Zoom out to reveal Hoda sitting next to Kathie Lee with her
mouth taped shut.
KATHIE LEE
Anyways, the big news today is that
the aliens have moved in to
Detroit.
HODA
Mmmm mmm mmm mmm mmmm mmmmm.
Kathie Lee slaps Hoda.
KATHIE LEE
Shut your mouth!
JOHNNY
Um. Mrs. Gifford. Her mouth is
shut. It’s taped shut.
20.
KATHIE LEE
Well then you shut your mouth.
JOHNNY
Yes, Mrs. Gifford.
KATHIE LEE
I said shut up!
INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
HARRY
Sir. There are some people at the
front door who want to see you.
PRESIDENT JOE
Who?
HARRY
Detroit.
PRESIDENT JOE
What do you mean Detroit?
HARRY
The city of Detroit.
PRESIDENT JOE
The city of Detroit is at the front
door?
HARRY
Yeah.
PRESIDENT JOE
Again? Freaking Detroit. What do
they want this time?
HARRY
Actually, this is the first time
the entire city of Detroit has come
here.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY
The President opens the door, and sees a countless number of
PEOPLE from Detroit standing there, including BILL (45,
black).
21.
PRESIDENT JOE
Um. Hi.
BILL
Hi.
PRESIDENT JOE
What can I do for you?
BILL
Well. You gave our city to the
aliens.
PRESIDENT JOE
Right.
BILL
So.
PRESIDENT JOE
So?
BILL
So now we’re moving in here with
you.
PRESIDENT JOE
In here?
BILL
Yeah.
PRESIDENT JOE
I’m gonna have to veto that idea.
Mayor Wayans makes his way through some people and walks up
to the President.
MAYOR WAYANS
Well--as the Governor of Detroit,
I’m vetoing your veto.
PRESIDENT JOE
Mayor Wayans. What are you doing
here?
MAYOR WAYANS
We made an exodus out of Detroit.
And this is our new land. 1600
Castlevania Avenue.
22.
PRESIDENT JOE
Pennsylvania Avenue.
MAYOR WAYANS
Pennsylvania? That doesn’t make
any sense. This place isn’t a
pencil--it’s a castle. This is the
White Castle--located at
1600 Castlevania Avenue.
PRESIDENT JOE
Actually, it’s the White House.
MAYOR WAYANS
Look. We don’t care if this is The
White House, The White Castle, or
the The White Pencil. All we know
is that we live here.
Everyone starts walking in.
INT. NEWS ROOM - DAY
NEWS ANCHOR
And that’s why Jennifer Love Hewitt
bought 87 chairs at IKEA. And in
related news, the city of Detroit
has moved into the White House,
sending the White House population
up from one to 704,563.
EXT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY
Hundreds of PEOPLE FROM DETROIT are having a barbecue on the
White House front lawn.
INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY
President Joe is seated at his desk, while dozens of PEOPLE
FROM DETROIT are hanging out in various parts of the room.
The President walks to the bathroom, opens the door, and
sees some more PEOPLE FROM DETROIT hanging out in the
bathroom.
PRESIDENT JOE
Uh. Can I have a moment alone?
BILL
Whatever. By the way, you better
lower our taxes. I paid 10% sales
tax on these socks, homeboy.
23.
He reveals a pair of tweed socks he’s wearing.
BILL
And 10% sales tax on this ferret I
shoved up my ass.
He turns around and is about to pull down his pants.
PRESIDENT JOE
You don’t have to show me the
ferret.
BILL
Well can I show you my ass without
showing you the ferret?
PRESIDENT JOE
No. Oh--and I’m not the one in
charge of sales tax. That’s the
state government. I work for the
federal government.
BILL
I know that. What--you think I’m
ignorant?
PRESIDENT JOE
Yes.
BILL
That’s it. I’m not voting for you
come next January.
PRESIDENT JOE
This is my second term. And
Presidential elections are in
November.
BILL
I know that. What--you think I’m
ignorant?
PRESIDENT JOE
I’m surprised you even know what
the word ignorant means.
(to Everyone)
Now everyone--please get out.
They all exit the bathroom. The President closes the door,
picks up the bathroom phone, and dials a number.
24.
PRESIDENT JOE
Harry. I need to see you in the
Oval Office bathroom.
INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAY
HARRY
Um. What can I do for you, Mr.
President?
PRESIDENT JOE
Well. First of all, can we get a
urinal installed in here?
HARRY
Why don’t you just use the toilet
to urinate?
PRESIDENT JOE
Listen. I use a car phone in the
car, a crackhouse phone, in a
crackhouse, a bathroom phone in the
bathroom, and a urinal to urinate.
It makes sense.
HARRY
OK. Anything else, jackass?
PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah. We gotta get all these
Detroitians out of the White House.
HARRY
But where are we gonna send them?
PRESIDENT JOE
Well--I have an idea. I was in the
Air Force One the other day, flying
over one of those bullshit states,
like Iowa or Wyoming. The ones that
have like a lot of land and no
people. Why don’t we give the
Detroitians a city in one of those
states?
25.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE FRONT LAWN - DAY
A bunch of PEOPLE FROM DETROIT are having a barbecue.
BILL
What up, Prez?
PRESIDENT
What up? Um. How’s the barbecue
going?
BILL
Pretty good. I mean, The White
Castle ain’t Detroit--but it’ll do,
I guess.
PRESIDENT JOE
This is the White House.
BILL
If this is a house and not a
castle, then how come you got a
dungeon downstairs?
PRESIDENT JOE
That’s not a dungeon. That’s just a
basement prison where we put Ralph
Nader, and Ross Perot, and all of
those other third party guys.
BILL
That’s a dungeon. And this is a
castle.
PRESIDENT JOE
Fine. It’s the White Castle. ...
You know, it’s awfully cramped for
you guys around here, what with all
700,000 of you in one house.
BILL
Castle.
PRESIDENT JOE
Right. It’s awfully cramped here,
what with all 700,000 of you in one
small castle. I have a good idea.
How about I move you all to Iowa?
BILL
Iowa?! Do I look like a corn husker
to you? Do I look like a bottle of
Mazola corn oil? Do I look like
(MORE)
26.
BILL (cont’d)
Cornelius Vanderbilt? Do I look
like Orville Redencracker? Do I
look like the black guy from Police
Academy?
PRESIDENT JOE
Yes. You do look like the black guy
from Police Academy. Are you the
black guy from Police Academy?
BILL
No. I’m his twin brother. And the
point is, we ain’t going to no damn
Iowa. Detroit is either staying in
the White Castle, or it’s going
back to Detroit.
INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAY
HARRY
So how did it go? Did they agree to
move to Iowa?
PRESIDENT JOE
No. Apparently, people from Detroit
don’t like husking corn. By the
way--we’re out of barbecue sauce.
HARRY
So what should we do?
PRESIDENT JOE
Well. Apparently, we need to buy
like 30 or 40 cases of barbecue
sauce.
HARRY
I meant, what should we do about
the 700,000 people living in the
White House?
PRESIDENT JOE
How should I know? What do I look
like--Cornelius Vanderbilt?
HARRY
I don’t really get the Cornelius
Vanderbilt reference.
27.
PRESIDENT JOE
You know. Corn-nelius Vanderbilt.
HARRY
Did you take acid again?
PRESIDENT JOE
Corn-nelius Vanderbilt. The point
is, we gotta get those aliens out
of Detroit, so we can get all these
Detroitians out of the White House.
ASSISTANT
OK. I’ll arrange a meeting between
you and that alien son of a bitch.
PRESIDENT JOE
Sounds good, you white son of a
bitch.
INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAY
(Later)
ALIEN
Why are we having a meeting here?
PRESIDENT JOE
Um. I wanted to show you my new
plunger.
ALIEN
What the hell is a plunger?
He holds up a plunger.
PRESIDENT JOE
One of these.
ALIEN
Oh. On my planet, we call that a
cheese grater.
PRESIDENT JOE
You use these things to grate
cheese?
ALIEN
No, dumbass. We use them to unclog
toilets.
28.
PRESIDENT JOE
So--how’s Detroit?
ALIEN
Great. Anyway, did you see the
Finale of How I Met Your Mother?
PRESIDENT JOE
Um. Yeah. It was really good.
ALIEN
What was your favorite part?
PRESIDENT JOE
All of it.
ALIEN
That was my favorite part, too.
PRESIDENT JOE
Yeah. Great. So, uh, have you ever
heard of a place called Iowa?
ALIEN
You mean the corn state?
PRESIDENT
Well, yeah. I mean, no. It’s not
just a corn state. It’s,
like--they’ve got a lot of stuff in
Iowa. They have pants, and pinball
machines, and spaghetti, and
ceilings. Most building there have
ceilings. And unlike Detroit, Iowa
doesn’t smell like piss. You know,
if you want to upgrade your living
quarters, you should pack up and
start a new city in Iowa.
ALIEN
You know, on my planet we have a
saying. "Orbity yo shorbity,
hominuh hominuh Steve Urkel rye rye
Stephan Ur-kel."
PRESIDENT JOE
What does that mean?
ALIEN
"Fuck Iowa."
29.
PRESIDENT JOE
Oh. Well. Have you ever thought of
moving to Wyoming? It’s great. It’s
nothing like Iowa.
ALIEN
What are you talking about? It’s a
bullshit state--just like Iowa.
PRESIDENT JOE
That’s true. It is a bullshit
state.
INT. US CAPITOL BUILDING - DAY
SENATOR SMITH
OK. US Congress, session 15,467.
Um. I was thinking that maybe we
should raise taxes. You know.
’Cause we need more money. Who
wants to raise taxes?
PRESIDENT JOE
Guys. I don’t mean to interrupt all
of this economy stuff, but I just
wanted to let you know that we’re
declaring war on the aliens.
SENATOR SMITH
Why?
PRESIDENT JOE
... Because... they suck.
SENATOR CRUZ
I like the aliens. The other day, I
had a nice chat with President
Alieninsky about How I Met Your
Mother. e
PRESIDENT JOE
But, um we gotta go to war against
them, and make them move back to
their planet.
SENATOR CRUZ
Why?
PRESIDENT JOE
Well. You know. They, um, are,
like... they totally suck.
30.
SENATOR CRUZ
Well, Mr. President. Maybe you’re
the one who sucks.
PRESIDENT JOE
Well, Senator Cruz. Maybe you’re
the one who sucks.
SENATOR CRUZ
Well maybe we should take a vote to
see who sucks.
PRESIDENT JOE
Maybe I should kick your ass.
SENATOR CRUZ
Maybe we should impeach your ass.
SENATOR SMITH
Yeah, bro. Let’s impeach him.
SENATOR CRUZ
How does the whole impeachment
thing work again?
SENATOR SMITH
Well. The House votes on
impeachment. And if a majority of
them vote for impeachment, then it
goes to the Senate--and if at least
two third of them want the
President President gone, then we
all grab shanks and kill that
motherfucker right here, live on
C-SPAN.
SENATOR CRUZ
All right. Let’s do it. House of
Representatives--how many of you
want to impeach President Joe?
About half of the CONGRESSMEN raise their hands. Senator
Cruz quickly counts their votes.
SENATOR CRUZ
That’s 219 to 213 We win. OK.
Senate. How many of you want to get
rid of President Joe?
About half of the SENATORS raise their hands.
31.
SENATOR CRUZ
52 to 48.
SENATOR SMITH
We needed two thirds, or 67. 52
isn’t enough to get rid of him. But
we did get a majority--and that
gives us the right to tar and
feather the President.
SENATOR CRUZ
Really?
SENATOR CRUZ
Yeah. It’s in the Constitution.
Right after the part about how you
can enslave white people.
INT. NEWS ROOM - DAY
NEWS ANCHOR
And that explains why I’m wearing a
corset and playing the harmonica.
He plays a few notes on the harmonica.
NEWS ANCHOR
And in related news, President Joe
was tarred and feathered today in
Congress. This is the second
Presidential tar and feathering in
US history--the first one, of
course, taking place in 1868,
during Andrew Johnson’s
administration, as shown here on
this $20 bill.
He takes out a $20 bill, and on it, there’s a picture Andrew
Johnson covered in tar and feathers.
NEWS ANCHOR
As many of you know, Jimmy Carter
was also tarred and feathered in
1979--but that took place at a
strip club, and had nothing to do
with a Congressional impeachment
process. And who could forget the
time Ronald Reagan tarred and
feathered himself for Halloween in
1985? Say what you want about
Reagan, but that guy was really
good at trick-or-treating.
32.
INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAY
President Joe is tarred and feathered.
PRESIDENT JOE
We gotta get the aliens out of
Detroit, so I can get these
Detroitians out of the White
Castle.
HARRY
Don’t you mean the White House.
PRESIDENT JOE
Whatever. Do you have any ideas on
how to get those aliens out of
Detroit?
HARRY
Well. What do we really know about
the aliens?
PRESIDENT JOE
Well. Let’s see. We know that
they’re not from earth. We know
that they’re from another planet.
We know that they’re
extra-terrestrials. And we know
that they’re aliens.
HARRY
OK. You just said the same obvious
thing in four different ways.
PRESIDENT JOE
Well how am I supposed to know
anything about the aliens? I mean,
it’s not like I hang out with them
or anything. But Senator Cruz--he
does hang out with them. Let’s see
what that white son of a bitch
knows.
INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAY
President Joe is having a meeting with Senator Cruz and
Harry.
PRESIDENT JOE
OH, you white son of a bitch. What
do you know about the aliens?
33.
SENATOR CRUZ
Well. Let’s see. I know that
they’re not from earth. I know that
they’re from another planet. I know
that they’re extra-terrestrials.
And I know that they’re aliens.
PRESIDENT JOE
You just said the same obvious
thing in four different ways, you
jackass. You gotta know more than
that. I mean, you spent ten hours
chatting with their President. What
did you guys talk about?
SENATOR CRUZ
Well. We talked about how they call
a toilet plunger a cheese grater.
And we talked about Neil Patrick
Harris and How I met Your Mother.
PRESIDENT JOE
What else?
SENATOR CRUZ
That’s it.
PRESIDENT JOE
That’s all you talked about for ten
hours?
SENATOR CRUZ
Yes, Mr. President. And, let’s see.
At one point the aliens told me
their four favorite things about
earth. Number four: Detroit. Number
three: Neil Patrick Harris. Number
two: How I Met Your Mother. And
number one: Neil Patrick Harris on
How I Met Your Mother.
INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAY
ALIEN
What do you want this time?
PRESIDENT JOE
There’s someone I want you to meet.
ALIEN
Who? You?
34.
PRESIDENT JOE
No. Not me.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS walks into the bathroom.
ALIEN
Neil Patrick Harris!
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
What’s going on, bro?
ALIEN
I’m just chilling. Mr. Harris--I’m
a huge fan of yours.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Please. Call me Sir Neil Patrick
Harris III.
ALIEN
OK, Sir Neil Patrick Harris
III. Let me ask you something. Did
you see the Finale of How I met
Your Mother?
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Uh. Yeah. I was in it.
ALIEN
It was good--wasn’t it?
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Uh. Yeah. It was so good. But you
know what’s not so good?
ALIEN
What?
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Detroit.
ALIEN
Detroit’s not so good?
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
It sucks.
ALIEN
Detroit sucks?
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Yes. It sucks. It sucks so much
that I just called the network, and
(MORE)
35.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS (cont’d)they changed the title of How I Met
Your Mother to Detroit Sucks.
ALIEN
Oh. Well. I guess Detroit does
suck. After all--you’re Sir Neil
Patrick Harris III.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
You’re damn right I am.
INT. OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM - DAY
President Joe is having a meeting with Harry.
PRESIDENT JOE
Alright. The aliens have left
Detroit, and they’re on their way
back to Anyway. And the Detroitians
have left my house, and they’re on
their way back to Detroit.
ASSISTANT
Great. So why are we still having
meetings in your bathroom?
INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY
President Joe is seated at his desk, and Harry is seated
across from him.
PRESIDENT JOE
Alright. The aliens have left
Detroit, and they’re on their way
back to Anyway. And the Detroitians
have left my house, and they’re on
their way back to Detroit.
HARRY
Great.
The camera reveals a worker installing a urinal in the oval
office.
HARRY
But why is someone installing a
urinal in here?
36.
PRESIDENT JOE
That way, I can get more work done.
I won’t have to walk to the
bathroom every time I take a piss.
Or like lets’s say I have the
President of England in here, and
he has to take a piss. He can just
do it here while we discuss NAFTA
or whatever.
HARRY
England doesn’t have a President.
PRESIDENT JOE
That’s because it’s a shitty
country--unlike America. Remind me
to say that in my next State of the
Union Address.
EXT. DETROIT STREET - DAY
A crowd of PEOPLE are gathered in front of a stage. Bill
addresses them.
BILL
Everyone. Allow me to introduce the
new mayor of Detroit. Sir Neil
Patrick Harris III.
Neil Patrick Harris walks on to the stage. Mayor Wayans is
in the front row of spectators.
MAYOR WAYANS
You’re the new Mayor of Detroit?
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Yeah.
MAYOR WAYANS
Well. You’ll be taking orders from
me. I’m the governor of Detroit.
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS
Well. I’m fi’in to impeach your
ass.
(to Crowd)
How many of you want to impeach our
city’s governor?
About half of the crowd raises it’s hand. Neil Patrick
Harris counts their votes.