When SomeoneYou Love Is Experiencing Depression
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Sources:l Beck,Aaron,andRush,JohnA.CognitiveTherapyof
Depression.NewYork,NewYork:GuilfordPress,1979.
l Burns,David.TheFeelingGoodHandbook.NewYork,NewYork:Plume,1990.
l Golant,Mitch,andGolant,Susan.WhattoDoWhenSomeoneYouLoveIsDepressed.NewYork,NewYork:HenryHoltCo.,1996.
l Mark,Francis.Depression:TheMoodDisease.Baltimore,Maryland:JohnsHopkinsUniversityPress,1990.
l McGrath,Ellen.TheCompleteIdiot’sGuidetoBeatingtheBlues.NewYork,NewYork:Macmillan,1998.
l Murray,Bob,andFortinberry,Alicia.CreatingOptimism:AProven,Seven-StepProgramforOvercomingDepression.NewYork,NewYork:McGraw-Hill,2004.
DougBurnham,MSWExtensionHealthSpecialistUKCooperativeExtensionHEELProgramUKCollegeofSocialWork
February2007
ForinformationonhealthissuesinKentucky,logonto:www.ca.uky.edu/heel
When Someone You Love Is Experiencing DepressionDepressionisnotjusta“blueperiod”:itisanillness.Itaffects
thebody,feelings,thoughts,andbehavior.Itisnotsomethingyoucan“justgetover.”Itisanillnessthatneedstreating.Youwouldnotexpectapersontobeableto“justgetover”diabetesorcancer.Thesameistruefordepression.Italsodoesnotmeanthatthepersonisweak,althoughsomemayviewitthatway. Fortunately,mostpeoplerespondwelltoacombinationofmedicationand“talk”therapy.Wehavelearnedalotaboutdepressionoverthepast20yearsandnewtreatmentshaveprovenverysuccessful.Wehavealsolearnedthatfullresultsfromtreatmentmaytakeseveralweeksormonths.Infact,forsomepeople,treatmentneedstogoonforalongtime,eventopreventnewoccurrencesofdepression.
What can you do to help?l Encourage the person to seek
treatmentfromaqualifiedmentalhealthprofessionalaswellasanattentivedoctor.Medicinealoneissometimestried,butitusuallyisnotenough.Ittakesbothmedicineandcounselingtobeeffective.
l Offer help in finding treatment and agree to go with the persontothefirstappointment.
l Encourage the person to follow through with treatment plans.Takemedicationasprescribed.Practicewhatispresentedintreatmentsessions.Keepappointments.
l Understandthatthe depressed personmaybeself-absorbed,irritable,rejecting,hostile,unabletoenjoyanything,onlyseeingthenegative;andmayfailtofollowthroughonthings.Thesearejustpartofthedepressionandmayhavelittleornothingtodowithyou.
l Learn about the symptomsandsignsofdepression.(Seesourcesbelow)
l Allow the person to have as much control as possible.(Depressedperson’sgenerallyfeelatotallackofcontrol.)Gentlyinsistonphysicalactivity.
è Offeropportunitiesforgettingoutofthehouse.
è Trytointerestthepersoninsomephysicalactivity.
è Providecompanionshipbutdonotexpectmuchinreturn(forawhile).
è Provideopportunitiesforsocialinteraction.
(Thepersonwillnot“feel”likedoinganyofthesethings.Thus,somegentleproddingmaybehelpful.)
l Avoid using alcohol or drugs with the person.Thiswillonlycontributetofurtherdepressionandcouldbedangerousincombinationwithmedication.
l Ask, very directly, what the person needs.Depressedindividualsmaynotbeabletorespond.Therefore,bereadytosuggestthingsyouarewillingtodo.Practicalassistanceis
usuallymostappreciated.Itwillhavethegreatestimpactifyoutakeonprojectstogether:
gettingthekidstoschoolordaycare,cleaningthehouse,doinglaundry,goingwiththemtothegrocery,etc.Ifthedepressedpersonlivesalone,
havingamealwithhimmaybehelpful.Manydepressedpeoplelosetheir
appetites–otherswithdepressionovereat.Havingsomeoneelsearoundformealsmighthelpthemtoeatinahealthyway.
l Do not make excuses for the person’s behavior.Eventhoughdepressed,heneedstotakeresponsibilityforwhathedoes.However,becarefulthatyoudonotaddtotheperson’sburdens.
l Be willing to listenbutdonottrytobeatherapistortosolvetheirproblems.
l Offer lots of reassurance –thingswillgetbetterwithtimeandtreatment.Oneofthemajorreactionstodepressionisthefeelingthatthingswillnevergetbetter.–“Thisisthewaythingswillalwaysbe.”Thisisnotrealbutitfeelsrealtosomeonewhoisdepressed.
l Do not deny the person’s feelingsbutbereadytosuggestdifferentinterpretationsorperspectivesofthings.Depressionaffectsthethoughtprocessandcontributestodistortedthinking.Supportivepeoplecanactasasortofrealitycheckforthedepressedlovedone.
l Take suicide comments very seriously.Ifyouthinkthedepressedpersonisthinkingofkillinghimself,askhimverydirectly.Youwillnotbeintroducingtheideaofsuicide.Assurehimthatsuicideisnotthebestalternative.Withtreatmentandtimehewillfeelbetter.Doyourbesttogethimtoprofessionalhelp.Contactemergencyhelpifneeded.
l Take care of yourself.Beingaroundadepressedpersonforlongperiodsoftimecanbeexhausting.Toomuchnegativetalkcanbegintomakeyoufeelalittledepressed.Takebreaks.Getlotsofphysicalactivity.Prepareandeathealthymeals.Get therightamountofsleep.Havefunand
laughalot.Usedailyinspirationalbooks,meditation,orprayer.
Spendsometimewithfriendsandfamilywhoarenotdepressed.Allowyourselftoenjoythebeautyofpeopleandthingsaroundyou.If
beingwithadepressedpersoniscausingyoutofeel“down”
andexhausted,seekguidanceforyourself.
l Asmuchaspossible,share the care-giving.Askdirectlyforassistancefromfamilymembersandfriends.Thismayrequirenegotiatingwiththedepressedpersonthelevelofinformationthatcanbeshared.Donottrytotakeoneverythingbyyourself.
l Recognize that your anger, frustrations, and helplessness are normal feelings.Youmightneedtotalkaboutthesefeelingswithfriendsoraprofessionalhealthprovider.
l Do not take the person’s depression personally.Heisnotdoinganythingtoyou.Heisstrugglingtomaintaincontroloverwhatheisthinking,feeling,anddoing.Youdidnotdoanythingtocausehisdepression.Letgoofanyguiltaboutthat.Youcannot“fix”anotherperson’sdepression.
l Remember that depression is a lot like other health problems that last a long time.Researchhasshownthatdepressiveperiodscanreoccurjustlikeflare-upsofhighbloodpressureorasthma.Bewatchful,andavoidthinkingthatithasallgoneawaywhensymptomsarereduced.Depressioncanreturnandtreatmentmayneedtobeinplaceformanymonthstokeepitatbay.
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