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Jake vs The Fat Man | Esel Recovers | Hanna the Dog | Best of the Wurst

VOLUME THREEI S S U E 1504 .1 0 .14


THE 2014 THROUGH-THE-CHUTE

CARDBOARD BOAT RACE!SPOR TS, PAGE 10

THE 2014 THROUGH-THE-CHUTE

CARDBOARD BOAT RACE!SPOR TS, PAGE 10

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table of contents1st Word

We got a phone call the otherday. I t spawned a column 3

15

7Citizen

SoundcheckThe ONLY guide of i ts kind

for the NB/SM Metroplex!

Best of the Wurst, 2014Your ballot awaits.

SportsWe’ve got 99 problems

but a cardboard boatain’t one.

13Carpe Canis/Carpe Cattus

I t ’s either your house or the bighouse for these furry orphans.

Hot in the Kitchen The TX Citizen’s Diva of the

Dish gets her �sh’n’chips on.

12The County ’sMost WantedLook Mommy! Daddy’s in the paper!

Ask a MexicanGustavo of fends in two languages.

10

Due ProcessAll the sexy haps at the Courthouse.6

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Readers on Reaves and Edwards | Tony Bell on Appeals | Kids on Sheep


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Last week, we ran another of our “Black Knight” covers for our continuing coverage of the Forbidden Island fiasco. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the Black Knight, he’s a character from 1975’s “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”, and Broadway’s “Spamalot”, (2005 Tony Award for Best Musical), whom King Arthur encounters whilst on his quest for the aforementioned relic.

The knight forbids Arthur to cross a bridge, telling him simply, “None shall pass”. Arthur does his best to talk his way through, but the knight refuses to have any of that, and they get into a rather bloody swordfight.

Arthur succeeds in cutting off knight’s right arm and declares victory. The knight protests, “’Tis but a scratch” and continues to fight despite his clear disadvantage. Arthur then cuts the knight’s left arm off. Then his right leg. Despite these wounds, the knight simply refuses to allow Arthur to pass, insisting that, “I’ll kick you to death”. Arthur finally cuts off the knight’s remaining leg, and goes on his way. The knight, now only a head and torso, as depicted on our cover, continues to protest, threatening a fatal biting. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could better illustrate the attitude of the Forbidden Islanders.

The battle with them was over the minute we publicized the fact that not a single cent of property taxes have ever been paid on the Forbidden Island, even though homeowners in the neighborhood claim it, and the river around it, as private property. And they keep insisting that it is, despite not being able to produce a deed. Blah, blah, blah, none shall pass, it’s only a flesh wound, we get it.

But this column isn’t about the Forbidden Island, or the Islander’s adorable insistence that they own it. It’s about the preposterous idea that simply because someone has

a negative emotional response to something, that that person is

automatically correct in their assessment of it. It’s a column I’ve wanted to write for quite a while. I’ve been waiting for the right opportunity, which presented itself this week via a voicemail message we received Monday morning:

“Hi, Mike, I think your name was, this is Jake (last name withheld). My number is XXX-XXX-XXXX. Um, I’m looking at the Texas Citizen cover, it’s uh, volume three, issue 14. Uh, the date is o-four, o-three, 2014. It’s, uh, real gruesome, it’s private property, no trespassing, none shall pass… It’s, uh, a knight. I’m guessing it’s from the movie The Holy Grail, Monty Python or something like that. Uh, it’s real disturbing. It has a knight pretty much de-armed, de-legged pretty much in a playground or somewhere, or a bridge, or something like that. And, uh, his arms and legs are cut off. It’s real gruesome. There’s blood everywhere. Um, I’m real offended. I don’t want little kids seeing this. Uh, call me back.”

I did call him back, and as you might expect, the call was nothing short of wholly satisfying. We went 15 minutes and 23 seconds, and to my credit, he was the only one to curse, to which I feigned offense. I then described him as a popular hygienic device, and he countered by calling me a “girl”. (By the way, attempting to insult me by calling me a “girl” shows his contempt for young women, and doesn’t register as an insult against me. Might as well have called me a “pine tree”, or a “station wagon”. It just doesn’t stick.) On the other hand, I called him a hygienic device, which is a compliment when you really think about it, so I’m not any better than him at this. Again to my credit, I didn’t start yelling until 12 minutes, 51 seconds into the call (a record!). But I digress…

Continued on next page.

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Continued from previous page. To make a long story short, he couldn’t

tell me why we were wrong to use the cover art, other than he didn’t like it. Here were his, uh, “reasons”:

“It’s bloody”.

Is it? So is any decent production of “Julius Caesar”. Man up, for a god’s sake.

“Kids might see it.”

Really? Might they? They might also happen into a Rubens exhibit. Or go on a field trip to Bizet’s “Carmen”. Or read the “Chronicles of Narnia”. Or play a video game. Or see a highly detailed sculpture in the sanctuary of a Catholic church. Blood is everywhere, and it never hurt anybody. Well, except for Arthur Ashe.

In the end, we went the full 15:23, trying to nail down exactly where I was wrong and he was right. This seemed like it took forever as he had different rules for different gruesome things. For instance, he ruled a depiction of a beaten and bloodied Christ hanging from a cross, as one might see at a passion play over the next couple weeks, not offensive if put on our cover. The reason: Because Jesus was real guy. I told him I would do that this week, because of the Easter and all, but I changed my mind because people might think we’re making light of the crucifixion, which would not be our intent. Here’s a photo on the inside instead:

To clarify his standard, a depiction of violence against a real person, who actually lived = acceptable art. A depiction of pretend violence against a fictional person = offensive art. Hey, at least we were getting somewhere.

Then there was the whole kid issue. Apparently, his cousin (age unknown) asked him about the cover. Yeah? And? Was he damaged? Of course not. But Jake had to take time out of his day to explain it was a reference to a scene in a classic, 39 year old comedic film, and current Broadway hit which, granted, is especially taxing to someone who doesn’t have children and has no use for art.

Anyone with kids will tell you that parents spend a good portion of their time explaining everything from linguistics to mathematics to natural science, not to mention the wholly obvious, to children. It seems like I do it all day, every day. That’s your job as an adult. Sometimes you get to explain the political underpinnings (and film and musical theater references) of certain satirical artwork – if you understand it, that is. It most certainly isn’t our fault if you’re not

intellectually equipped for the job.Then he hit me with this:

“It’s in poor taste”

And there’s the rub. Taste is entirely subjective. You might as well tell me that my dog is ugly, or that a penicillin shot doesn’t hurt. It won’t change the way I experience those things even a little bit. In other words, one’s opinion on matters of taste is entirely irrelevant to the world at large.

Besides, we’re not in the taste business. We’re in the news and political commentary business. Take it up with Martha Stewart or someone of her ilk. She’s an authority on taste as well as a convicted felon.

I’m offended by all kinds of stuff that I’m certain most people don’t give a good darn about. Things like stupid signage (Open 7 Days, Weekends Too!) and condiment abuse (Ketchup on hot dogs) and inappropriate assigning of the burden of proof (Prove there isn’t an Easter Bunny, smart guy) make me go Shark Week. To me, these aren’t just minor irritants. I see them, emotionally, as a threat to society as a whole. But I know that’s just me, and I don’t expect my emotional response to them to be of any consequence to you.

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Being offended is the easiest thing in the word to be, which is why it’s attractive to lazy thinkers. It requires no thought, simply an organic or conveniently manufactured negative reaction to something, which alone is supposed to be considered de facto proof that the event or phenomena being reacted to is bad. It puts the burden of proof on the offending thing to defend itself, rather than the offended person to make their case. Here’s an excerpt from my conversation with Jake, which illustrates this nicely:

Mike: “What’s exactly wrong with it

(the cover)?”

Jake: (Pause) “Well, I mean… what’s

decent about it?”

And there you have it. We didn’t publish it under the flags of decency or good taste or as a recipe or driver’s manual or textbook. It’s commentary, like a political cartoon. I explained that since he made the claim of offensive, it was up to him to make the case, which of course he could not. Because it was all based on a feeling that I imagine had more to do with getting my attention than anything else. Listen, don’t discount the guy for that. Attention from me is pretty cool. I don’t blame him.

Remember when people were offended by inter-racial marriage? I do. As a little kid growing up in the 70s, it was downright appalling. A lot of arguments were made against it, many of them to “protect the children”. Now it’s a non-issue (Outside of Vidor, anyway). Clearly, there wasn’t a logical reason to get all up in arms about it, or that reason would still be valid today. Same with the lunch counters and whatnot. Islamists are offended by EVERYTHING. I’m here to tell you that no one in the history of the world has ever been morally injured by seeing too much of a woman’s forehead. Yet they remain outraged by the very idea. As you can see, reason doesn’t play a role when offense takes the stage. In that respect, taking offense is kind of stupid.

Being offended is a sneaky way of claiming the moral high ground that an innocent victim is entitled to, without actually sustaining any injury. If I’ve actually hurt someone, believe me, they’ll get my full attention. If I’ve done something they don’t enjoy because of differing tastes, not so much. McDonald’s serves billions. The fact that I refuse to eat there changes nothing for the people who do, nor should it.

Offended is saying “I don’t like that”, in a way that can’t be challenged. People are not comfortable simply saying “I don’t like X”, because they think they need a reason, which they don’t unless they’re trying to parlay their feelings into a reward for themselves or a punishment for others. I don’t particularly care for the Mona Lisa, but that’s just me. I don’t expect the rest of you to dislike it.

Remember back in the 80s, when reporters started asking people how they felt about something rather than what they thought about it? That’s when politicians started saying “Well I feel this way about the Space Program/Taxation/Infrastructure/Etc”. People started stating their feelings about things that require actual thought, because feelings can’t be argued with or tested. It’s a way of shutting down both cognition and accountability, as feelings can’t be invalidated, and somewhere along the line emotional reactions became considered a higher value than reason.

Let me clear up the confusion about that right now. Feelings are for hugging your kids and wanting them to be happy . Thinking is for building them a swingset. Feelings are for wanting, thinking is for getting. See? Everything has its place. As a one Dr. Spengler so aptly put it, way back in 1984, “Don’t cross the streams… it would be bad”.

In short, you don’t have to like anything. Just don’t expect anyone else to care. They got their own thing going on.

As it often happens in cases like this, Jake has been banned as a reader. If you know Jake, and see him with a copy of the TX Citizen, do not approach him. Just contact our office and we’ll take care of it. We did give him permission to have someone else read the paper to him, but only because he seemed like a nice guy. He may appeal our decision in one year.

\m/

Mike ReynoldsPublisher/Editor-in-Chief


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Carter to Get His Day in CourtA young New Braunfels’ man who was charged with making a terroristic threat will have his case go before a jury on June 23.

Justin Carter is accused of making a terroristic threat over a comment he made on Facebook about attacking a kindergarten and “eat their still beating hearts.”

Carter argues that the post was a satirical comment that was part of a thread of arguments that began on a gaming website. The full conversation is missing from Facebook.

Carter’s case has garnered international attention and pits laws that make it illegal to threaten others with violence against laws that protect satirical speech. His case is being argued by attorney Don Flanary, while the State’s prosecution is led by Chari Kelly.

During a recent, but brief hearing, Kelly said she was adding Hannah Love as a witness. Love, believed to be Canadian, was the individual who notified authorities about Carter’s comments. For a long time, Love couldn’t be found, leading to doubts that she actually existed.

Judge Jack Robison, whose judicial district includes Comal County, said during the hearing that attorneys should expect the case to get bumped back a few times due to the large number of people in jail who are awaiting trial.

Church of Scientology Files Another Appeal The Church of Scientology International (CSI) as well as church members and private investigators have appealed a recent decision to the Texas Third Court of Appeals in Austin.

At issue is a March decision by Judge Dib Waldrip, who ruled against CSI and others in their attempt to have a lawsuit against them thrown out on First Amendment grounds. The Church had filed an Anti-Strategic Lawsuit Against Public Participation measure (Anti-SLAPP) in hopes of having Monique Rathbun’s harassment lawsuit dismissed.

In his ruling, Waldrip noted that the Church said that it began the campaign of harassment and surveillance against Rathbun because her husband, Mark Rathbun, was offering Scientology services outside of the Church, which claims that it was protecting its trademarks and patents. Because of this admission, the judge said the issue is actually a business dispute, thus the Anti-SLAPP measure does not legally apply. He also said that

the measure does apply because Monique Rathbun is claiming personal injury, something that can only be validated with a full trial. Thus, Judge Waldrip said, Rathbun’s lawsuit neither relates to nor is in response to the Church’s First Amendment rights of religion and assembly.

The Anti-SLAPP law does not give a specific time frame for the Appeals Court to rule, but it does say that a ruling must be “expedited.”

As of this writing, the Church has not filed a motion in the appeal.

Other matters still before Waldrip are a motion for contempt filed by Rathbun against the Church because of its accused unwillingness to provide requested materials. Also still to be decided is an order for a temporary injunction, which would demand that the defendants to stay away from Rathbun during the duration of the trial, which has yet to begin.

Scientology leader Argues Against DepositionAttorneys for the leader of Scientology, David Miscavige, as well as the Religious Technology Center (RTC), one of the Church’s various corporate entities, are set to argue before the Third Court of Appeals against Waldrip’s order to have Miscavige deposed.

Waldrip said that the deposition would only cover issues of jurisdiction. The Church leader argues the State has no jurisdiction over him.

Former Texas Supreme Court Chief Justice Wallace Jefferson filed the appeal on behalf of Miscavige and RTC. The mandamus appeal is asking the Court to order Waldrip to reverse his decision. Jefferson maintains that as an ecclesiastical leader, Miscavige is immune from having to give a deposition.

In her filed response, Leslie Hyman, who represents Monique Rathbun before the Appeals Court, said that the Church leader cannot claim immunity because he is a named defendant and, besides, if the President of the United States can be deposed, so can a church leader.

Oral arguments are set for this week and the TX Citizen will be there to cover the hearing. When the Third Court will rule on the appeal is unknown, but Rathbun’s lead attorney, Ray Jeffrey, said that since “mandamus is an emergency type of appeal, they generally act more quickly than a regular appeal.”

Full coverage of the hearing will appear in next week’s edition.

Nick Rogers covers courts and crime for the TX Citizen.

Due ProcessWITH NICK ROGERS

TXCITIZEN.COM 7

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SATURDAY 4-12International Karaoke Day!

SUNDAY 4-13Local Kick Back Day!

Happy Hour at the Pear ALL DAY!

MONDAY 4-14Deja Vu Again! Happy Hour All Day!

TUESDAY 4-15Free Darts & Pool

WEDNESDAY 4-16Free Pool & Darts

THURSDAY 4-17Back by Popular Demand

Karaoke by Johnny V!!

1051 N. IH-35 | Like us! In The Ramada 830-625-8017

!!!GO SPURS GO!!!

KEEPIN' ITPRICKLY

SINCE1979


Fri 4.11

The Continental Club

Club Lineup:

The Blues Specialists, 6:30pm

T Bird & the Breaks

w/ Sideshow Tragedy

10pm, $10

Gallery Lineup:

Robert Kraft Trio, 8:30pm

Mike Flanigin Trio, 10:30pm, $5

Floore’s Country Store

Jon Wolfe

w/ Rebels of Texas

7pm, 18+, $10-$12

Luckenbach Dance Hall

Max Stalling, Tommy Alverson,

Jamie Richards, Thomas Michael Riley,

+ Many More

4pm, $20

Red Eyed Fly

Green Flag Republic, The Standoffs

9pm, Inside

Luke Gibson & the Thieves, Dead Random,

Beau Daniels Band, Josh Mercer Band,

Better Angels

8pm, Outside

Sam’s Burger Joint

Slaid Cleaves

8pm, $20-$50

Stubb’s BBQ

T. Mills

9pm, Inside

Sat 4.12

The Continental Club

Club Lineup:

Redd Volkaert, 3:30pm

Dirty Bourbon River Show

w/ Derailers

10pm, $10

Gallery Lineup:

Scarlett Olson, 8:30pm

Mike Flanigin Trio, 10:30pm, $5

Floore’s Country Store

Cool Like Roy

6pm

Luckenbach Dance Hall

Hal Ketchum, Tejas Brothers,

Thomas Michael Riley, + Many More

1pm, $25

Red Eyed Fly

Wicked World, Meganaut,

These Damn Villians, River City Ransom

8pm, Outside

Sam’s Burger Joint

Pat Travers Band

w/ Tom Gillam

8pm, $25-$70

Stubb’s BBQ

Team*, Hydra Melody

9pm, Inside

SOUND TOWNOUTOF

Biergarten Featuring Guadalupe Brewing Co. Beers

Special Events Monthly

Fresh Handmade Sandwiches and Salsa

Private Parties- Catering

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Never a CoverKid & Pet Friendly

1263 Gruene Road • 830.625.1045

Call for Hours!

omalovesyou.com

Biergarten Featuring Guadalupe Brewing Co. Beers

Special Events Monthly

Fresh Handmade Sandwiches and Salsa

Private Parties- Catering

Wedding Facilities AvailableLive Music Every Night

Never a CoverKid & Pet Friendly

1263 Gruene Road • 830.625.1045

Call for Hours!

omalovesyou.com

APR 10 @ 6 JAM NIGHT

APR 11 @ 6 MC & THE MYSTYX

APR 12 @ 1 THE LESTI HUFF BAND

@ 6 THE CHUBBY KNUCKLE CHOIR

APR 13 @ 2 THE JAMIE KRUEGER GROUP

APR 17 @ 6 JAM NIGHT

Upcoming Shows:

See you there!

BEST OF THE

WURST 2013

Double Winner!Best Live Music Venue

& Best Biergarten

Buffalo Wings & Rings

KaraokeTuesday Nights, 7:30pm 21+

TriviaThursday Night, 7:30pm

Dirty’s Bar & Q

KaraokeWednesday Nights, 8pm

Faust Brewing Company

TriviaThursday Nights, 8pm

Old Ice House

KaraokeThursdays, Sundays

DJWednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays

Phoenix Saloon

KaraokeThursday Nights

Prickly Pear Lounge

KaraokeThursdays, Saturdays

DJ KCFridays

The Watering Hole Saloon

KaraokeThursdays

DJFridays, Saturdays

diversions

10 AD SALES 830.358.2493

It was the fourth time through the chute for the New Braunfels Yacht Club's annual Cardboard

Boat Race, produced in conjunction with the City's Parks Department. 34 boats competed for a

variety of honors, including best time, best design, and best sinking. Never before have so many

accomplished so much, with little more than cardboard, duct tape, and paint at their disposal.

Photos by Katie Gomez


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At the insistence of Mrs Esel, Uncle Ken recently underwent Algernonian surgery and is recovering more slowly than anticipated. The benefit, however, is that Esel now has clarity and is no longer an idiot.

Dear Uncle Esel:I have been close friends to a

married couple for several years. I have spent much time with them and their children. I have always adored their close-knit family.

Recently, however, I found out through another friend who had heard that the husband had an affair with one of his co-workers. I am outraged! How could he jeopardize his beautiful family like this? I have turned down their recent offers to visit for dinner because I can no longer stand to look at him. They know I’m upset about something. Should I confront them about this?

Hurt and Angry

Dear Angry:If you look at the human body, you find it

is ill-equipped to survive. We’re slow, weak, hairless and our senses are dull. We are prone to bad eyesight, back problems, weak knees and a variety of other maladies. If you disagree, drop a naked man into a jungle with a hungry tiger and see who wins.

Homo sapiens have survived because of an unparalleled sense of reason. We recognize our weaknesses and compensate with opposable thumbs and brilliance. Homo sapiens have been evolving for hundreds of thousands of years and you, dear Angry, are the highest point of that evolution.

And you suck.I am often amazed how quick some

people are, with this great sense of reason, to make judgments about others without any evidence. You heard from a friend who heard from a friend? And you feel comfortable enough in that information to destroy a family with it? I wonder why?

I think it’s because you’re evil. Love, K

Dear Uncle Esel: I have terrible luck with men.

Seems like all I get are criminals. Friends and family either say I have “bad taste in men” or that I “like bad boys.” I want a good man, but I really have a problem telling which men are good and which are bad. Sometimes a guy comes across as kind and sincere, then turns out to be a real jerk.

How can I tell the difference between the criminal-types from the decent-types?

Looking for Mr. Not Rotten

Dear Looking: There is a simple rule I follow for telling

potential criminals from the rest of society. If a man’s middle name is Wayne or Lee, or if his first name is Jesse, he has either been in jail, is in jail or will be going to jail. This is always the case. As a matter of fact, just turn to the Most Wanted page within this issue and you will likely find one or more.

In 2003, Texas passed the Jesse Lee Wayne Act, which cuts to the chase and allows law enforcement to prematurely arrest anyone with those names. Within in the first two years of passage, crime in the state dropped 80 percent.

Just to let all my readers know, the Uncle’s real name contains no Wayne, Lee or Jesse. This means he has not been to the joint.

But he does like fire. Dear Uncle Esel:I would like to know your opinion on

the recent discovery that gravitational waves created in the Big Bang point to the likelihood there are more universes than just our own. Do you believe there are other universes out there? If so, why aren’t other universes mentioned in the Bible?

Science is the Devil Dear Devil:The Uncle has always believed in the

possibility of multiple universes. The problem is most of those universes are rather seedy and filled with annoying drunks who incessantly talk about their ex-wives.

As for the existence of other universes not being mentioned in the Bible, God doesn’t owe you an explanation.

Love, K To “OMG,” who sent Uncle a private letter:You should probably use butter rather

than petroleum products. And, no, that smell will never come out.

Love, K

Uncle K. Esel is a lifetime resident of our fair city, and is well known for his sage advice on a wide range of topics. If you find yourself perplexed with no one to turn to, send your question to Uncle Esel at: [email protected]. Be sure to write “Question for Uncle Esel” in the subject line of your email.

ADVICE FROM

UNCLE ESEL


MOST WANTED

$200REWARD

COMAL COUNTY ’S

MEDELLIN, JESSE RODRIGUEZMale • 5’07” • 200 lbsDOB: 01/01/1976CHARGE: Possession of a controlled substance pg 1 under 1 gram and theft of property under $1500 with 2 or more previous convictions

CLEMMONS,TOBY LEEMale • 6’02” • 210 lbsDOB: 05/20/1980CHARGE: Bail jumping and fail to appear felony and failure to appear for driving while intoxicated

GARRISON,DONALD WAYNEMale • 5’11” • 155 lbsDOB: 02/27/1949CHARGE: Bail jumping and fail to appear felony

MEDELLIN, JESSE RODRIGUEZMale • 5’07” • 215 lbsDOB: 01/01/1976CHARGE: Failure to appear- theft of property u/$1500 w/ 2 or more previous convictions, possession of a controlled substance, tamper fabricate physical evidence, evading arrest or detention w/vehicle

COLEMAN,STEPHEN ANDREWMale • 5’06” • 150 lbsDOB: 08/07/1983CHARGE: Possession of a controlled substance pg 1

MERCADO,EZEQUIEL

Male • 5’06” • 180 lbsDOB: 05/02/1971

CHARGE: Driving while intoxicated 3rd or more

and evading arrest or detention with vehicle

PHILLIPS,MICHELLE J

Female • 5’02” • 135 lbsDOB: 09/27/1982

CHARGE: Bail jumping and fail to appear felony

and fail to appear for possession of a

controlled substance

ROGERS,JENNIFER LEE

Female • 5’05” • 110 lbsDOB: 03/27/1967

CHARGE: Failure to appear for possession

of a controlled substance

SPARKS, JACQUELINE

CONARDFemale • 5’00” • 147 lbs

DOB: 7/21/1963CHARGE: Driving

while intoxicated 3rd or more

NEWHOUSE,THAD OURAY

Male • 5’10” • 155 lbsDOB: 01/17/1986

CHARGE: Violation of conditions of

bond-possession of a controlled substance

The names listed have been released in accordance with the Texas Public Information Act. This is a true and accurate account as of Monday, March 31, 2014 at 10:50 am and may not be current by the time it is read. Do not try to apprehend anyone. These are listings of criminal warrants with the Comal County Sheriff’s Office and are not indicative of guilt or innocence. Officers are to verify the status of each warrant prior to making an arrest. Any person is innocent of wrongdoing unless proven guilty in a court of law.

FOR INFORMATION LEADING TO THE ARREST OF COMAL COUNTY’S MOST WANTED. Callers will remain anonymous. 830.620.3400 - 24-Hour830.620.3411 - Mon-Fri 8am to 5pm

DIXON,ROMAN DAVIDMale • 6’01” • 140 lbsDOB: 01/25/1973CHARGE: Burglary of a building

ARRESTED

ARRESTED

ARRESTED

ARRESTED

ARRESTED

By Gustavo Arellano

Dear Mexican: Even though

throughout the years since I came

to the U.S. 20 years ago I have seen it

happening with less frequency, the

use by Mexicans of the expression

¿Mande? (Command me) has always

struck me. I personally see it as

a symbolic legacy of submission

probably originating from the times of

the Spanish conquistadores. Are you

aware of any other meaning? What

it’s interesting to me is that I’ve heard

this expression coming more often

from the so-called pochos than from

Mexican immigrants.

Che Argentina

Dear Mexican: I’m a Mexican-

American with a dilemma: why do

most Mexicans respond by saying

“¿Mande?” while most other non-

Mexican Hispanics respond with

“¿Cómo?” I ask around and nobody

has a right answer. I’m sure you will

know, ‘cause you’re a smarter-than-

the-average Mexican.

Cheldingo

Dear Readers: Out of all the folk

etymologies that plague Mexican Spanish—

like people thinking gringo comes from

Mexicans making fun of the green coats of

invading gabachos, or that the phonological

similarity of Michigan and Michoacán is proof

that the Aztecs came from the Midwest—none

is more laughable than insisting the Mexican

propensity to use ¿Mande? (“Excuse me?”)

is a reflection on the perpetual Mexican

inferiority complex.

Yes, ¿Mande? is a legacy of

colonialism—Cortés used the term in his

letters—but so what? So is the word tortilla,

and the corrido. All Latin American cultures

keep parts of the Conquest alive in their

regional Spanish, but there is no historical

evidence that conquistadors in Mexico

demanded that their Indian or mestizo

servants use the formal ¿Mande? instead of

the informal ¿Que? or ¿Cómo? or ¿Perdón?

(words that Mexicans also use, by the way)

because of their inferior state. Mexican

Spanish merely follows Spanish pronoun

rules—imagine that! You want real linguistic

subservience? Try su merced (your mercy),

which South Americans use in favor of

ustedes. Now that’s a wuss culture there.

Dear Mexican: My parents are

immigrants from Mexico and came

here and had me and my brother

and sister. Of course, they’ve both

retained some rituals that aren’t

very necessary and would no doubt

seem odd to the average American

observer. One I’ve never mustered

enough courage ask about is this

habit of placing a large stone or a

log behind one of the rear wheels.

I’ve assumed it’s so the car won’t roll

away because of gravity, but I know

this isn’t necessary when in park.

Or maybe it’s to ward off grand theft

auto? Are automobiles in Mexico

just not largely reliable or is it just a

symbolic action to prevent theft?

Rocky Llantas

Dear Peñascoso Tires: Are you kidding

me? Putting a log or rock behind a tire is

the Mexican version of LoJack. The smart

Mexican gets a rock or log craggy or pointy

enough so that anyone who tries to make off

with their car will immediately puncture the

tire or wreck the rim when they try to zoom

off. After that, all you have to do is follow

the skid marks to wherever the thieves left

the car off. Simple, ingenious, and cheap:

the Mexican way.

Ask the Mexican at [email protected], be his fan on Facebook, follow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video question at youtube.

com/askamexicano!

ASK A MEXICAN!

!

TXCITIZEN.COM 13

I believe we should enjoy fish and cook it at home year round. You don’t need to wait until the

40 days of Lent to eat fish on Fridays or any day of the week for that matter. Instead of going

out for fast-food drive-thru fish or an expensive seafood restaurant, you can make traditional fish

& chips right at home. Plus this recipe includes beer!

Shiner Bock Battered Fish & ChipsTwice-Fried French Fries - Using 4-5 russet

potatoes (about 2 lbs) and a mandolin; cut

potatoes into French fries. Soak in water with

a few dashes of salt and refrigerate for 2-4

hours. This process removes the starch from

the potatoes and allows them to fry up crispy.

Remove potatoes from water, place on paper

towel and pat dry. In a Dutch oven and using a

deep fry thermometer, fry potatoes in peanut oil

at 325° and par cook for 5-7 minutes. Remove with tongs and place on a plate lined with a paper

towel. Increase oil temperature to 350° and place fries back in the oil and cook an additional 2

minutes. Remove with tongs, place on a plate lined with a fresh paper towel and season with sea

salt & pepper. Place fries on baking sheet and place in a pre-heated oven at its lowest setting;

around 175°. Keep fries warm while frying your fish. Reduce oil temperature to 350°. • 2lbsofAtlanticCodorHaddock(youcanusetilapiaorcatfish)• 2cupsbuttermilk• 6-8cupspeanutoil(cottonseedoilorcanolaoilcanbesubstituted)• 2cupall-purposeflour,divided• 1tspbakingpowder• 1½tblsCreoleSeasoning(e-mailmeformyrecipe)• 12ozShinerBockbeer• 2eggs,beaten

• Lemonwedges

Fried Fish – At the same time you are soaking your potatoes in salt water, rinse your fish

and pat dry. Cut fish into 6oz-8oz portions. Soak in buttermilk and refrigerate for 2-4 hours.

Maintain oil temperature at 350°. Using two bowls; place 1 cup flour in one bowl and then

mix 1 cup flour, baking powder, seasoning, beer, and eggs in another bowl and whisk until a

smooth batter is achieved. Dredge fish portions in flour, shake off excess flour and then dip fish

in batter. Remove and allow excess batter to drip off the fish. Carefully lay fish in the hot oil and

cook for 2 minutes each side or until golden brown. Remove fried fish with tongs and place on

a fresh paper towel on a cooling rack. Repeat until all fish portions are cooked. Serve on TX

Citizen Newspaper with lemon wedges, tartar sauce, malt vinegar, and sea salt.

Homemade Tartar Sauce - In a medium bowl, whisk together 1 cup of mayonnaise (I prefer

Duke’s), 2 tsp Dijon mustard, 1 tbls shallots (or purple onion), minced, ¼ cup dill pickle relish,

1½tsplemonjuice,andapinchofcayennepepper.

Until next time, Eat, Drink & Be Sherri!

Sherri

© Copyright 2014 by Eat, Drink & Be Sherri. All rights reserved.Sherri Gallagher is a New Braunfels chef who grew up in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, where she began cooking at the age of 8. This summer Chef Sherri will be sailing on the M/V Liseron which sails weekly from Sitka to Juneau, Alaska. On board, Chef Sherri will be preparing breakfast, lunch, dinner, happy hour hors d’oeuvres, and cocktails for her 20 passengers and crew, so get ready for some amazing new recipes! Chef Sherri can be contacted at [email protected].

Hot in the Kitchen!with Sherri Gallagher

Ermac Noob Saibot

Carpe Canis

Carpe Cattus

ADOPT A NEW BEST FREIND TODAY!These furry Texans need a home!

Meet them in person at the New Braunfels

Humane Society, at 3353 Morningside Drive,

or call 830.629.5287 for more information.

Help us save a life today!

830.625.5700 • happytailspetranch.com

This space generously provided by

Grooming

Boarding

Daycare

Valet Services

Pet Photography

Natural & Organic Treats

Happy Tails Pet Ranch

is a family owned and

operated full service

grooming and boarding

facility located in the

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Piston HondaHannah Fin

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14 TX CITIZEN 14 AD SALES 830.358.2493 TXCITIZEN.COM 15

Your One-Stop DestinationLocated in the heart of downtown New Braunfels, the Historic Faust Hotel & Brewing Company is a one-stop destination offering a variety of house brews and a full bar and restaurant, as well as guestrooms, suites and an event center which feature 1920’s Art Deco design while incorporating modern amenities.

Find us

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YOUR BUSINESSCall now. You can’t afford not to.logos • business cards • brochures • photo editing • web design • advertisements

CITIZEN

830.542.9134 [email protected]

TXCITIZEN.COM 15

BEST OF THE

WURST 2014

THIS IS YOUR SAMPLE BALLOT Tear it out, take it with you!

FUN

Best Coin-Op Game Bar Old Ice House Watering Hole Scores Riley’s Tavern Freiheit Country Store

Best Sports Bar Bu�alo Wings and Rings Scores Sports Bar and Grill The Watering Hole Saloon Black Whale Pub Old Ice House

Best Backyard/Patio Oma Gruene’s Secret Garten Dirty’s Bar & Q Adobe Verde The Pour Haus Riley’s Tavern Koozie’s Icehouse

Best Live Music Schedule Oma Gruene’s Secret Garten Phoenix Saloon Billy’s Ice House Black & Tan Pub

Best Texas Mojo Old Ice House Watering Hole Saloon Riley’s Tavern Freiheit Country Store Dirty’s Bar & Q Phoenix Saloon Iron Horse Grill

Best Pick-Up Bar Phoenix Saloon Black Whale Pour Haus Prickly Pear Watering Hole Billy’s Ice House

Best Place to Hide a Body Forbidden Island of Booneville Ave North Trib Drainage Project Any Given Fissure on Walnut HZ’s “Groovin’” Section

DRINK

Best Beer Bar Old Ice House Dirty’s Bar and Q Freiheit Country Store Oma Gruene’s Secret Garten Iron Horse Grill Koozie’s Ice House Bubba’s Big Deck

Best Wine Bar Vino en Verde Water 2 Wine Vineyard at Gruene Kork Winery on the Gruene Gruene Door

Best Full Bar Phoenix Saloon Watering Hole Saloon Bu�alo Wings and Rings Adobe Verde Scores Sports Bar and Grill Prickly Pear Lounge Riley’s Tavern Black Whale Pub Faust Brewing Co Pour Haus Black & Tan Pub

Best Local Micro Brew Faust Brewing Company’s Golden Ale Guadalupe Brewing Company’s Texas Honey Ale New Braunfels Brewing Company’s Erde Weiss

Best Signature Shot Adobe Verde’s TKO Frog Oyster Bar’s Breakfast Shot Riley’s Tavern’s Cucumber Shot Phoenix Saloon’s Purple Gecko Bu�alo Wings and Rings’ Mexican Candy Calahan’s Car Bomb Faust Brewing Co’s Key Lime Pie Infernos’ Ring of Fire

Best Signature Cocktail Prickly Pear Lounge’s Pear Punch Adobe Verde’s Dos Rita Riley’s Tavern’s Key Lime Pie Watering Hole’s Watering Hole Punch Phoenix Saloon’s Pepperita Bu�alo Wings and Rings’ Wingarita

Best Bloody Mary Faust Brewing Co Phoenix Saloon Pour Haus Watering Hole Oyster Bar Black Whale Adobe Verde Bu�alo Wings and Rings

FOOD

Best Signature Burger Spud Ranch’s Texas Burger Phoenix Saloon’s Blue Burger Lone Star Float House’s Bacon Chili Cheeseburger Dirty’s Bar and Q’s Dirty Nasty Iron Horse Grill’s Bossman Scores’ Cheeseburger Bosses Pizza‘s Half-Pound Burger Freiheit Country Store’s Extreme Cheeseburger

Best Signature Sandwich Olives’ Meatball Sub Oma Gruene’s Secret Garten’s Chicken Salad Iron Horse Grill’s Texas Club Cravings’ Envy Scores’ Pulled Pork Faust Brewing Co‘s Rueben

Best Signature Pizza Calahan’s Pub’s Bu�alo Chicken Pizza NY Pizza Pub’s Cooper Bosses Pizza’s Herd Figlio’s Old School Oregano’s Margherita Infernos’ Scorpion Pepper Pizza

Best Signature Cupcake Sweet Dreams Bakery’s Elvis Two Tarts’ Strawberry Lime Gruene Flour Cupcakery’s Dreamsicle

PEOPLE

Best Bartenders Prickly Pear Lounge Old Ice House Watering Hole Scores Sports Bar and Grill Riley’s Tavern Freiheit Country Store Oyster Bar Dirty’s Bar & Q Koozie’s Ice House Oma Gruene’s Secret Garten Black Whale Phoenix Saloon Faust Brewing Co Adobe Verde Bu�alo Wings and Rings Calahan’s Pub The Pour Haus Bubba’s Big Deck AJ’s Ale House Black & Tan Pub

Best Baristas Kora-Kora Co�ee Gruene Co�ee Haus NB Co�ee Company Crosswalk Co�ee, Downtown Crosswalk Co�ee, Westpointe

Best Fake Journalist TX Citizen’s Uncle Ken Esel Herald-Zeitung’s Ethel der Klatsch Herald-Zeitung’s Sheamus O’Groovahan

CIVICS

Most Appalling Abuse of Power NB Aero Takeover Towing Contract Bidding Fiasco Can-Ban Debacle Justin Carter’s $500,000 Bail

Worst Expenditure of Public Funds Walnut Avenue Benches Can Ban Defense Psychic City Attorney Val Acevedo’s Salary 4-B’s Corporate Welfare

Perform your due diligence before voting. Research those burgers. Sample those shots. Visit those backyards.

Soak in the mojo. Then stagger to your computer and vote at BOTW2014.com. Voting ends on May 7, with results

printed in our May 15 edition. There’s a limit of one electronic ballot per email address, so make your votes count!

24 Beers on Tap - Full Bar Live Entertainment - Pool Tables

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Karaoke Thursday & Sunday

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8 3 O . 2 3 7 . 2 2 6 5Free Consultation!

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TX Citizen 4.10.14

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Transcript of TX Citizen 4.10.14