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Truffaldino Says No Version 1

- 1 -

TRUFFALDINO SAYS NO

By Ken Slattery

Version 1

Cast of Characters

Old World

Truffaldino - a servant in Pantalone’s house

Arlecchino - a servant in Pantalone’s house; Truffaldino’s father

Colombina - a servant in Pantalone’s house; Truffaldino’s mother

Pantalone - a miserly shop owner who lives in Venice

Rosaura - Pantalone’s wife

Isabella - Pantalone’s daughter

Il Dottore - a learned doctor

Flavio - Il Dottore’s son

Il Capitano - a military man

New World

Hal - a concierge at an inn (doubles with Arlecchino)

Kate - a housekeeper at the same inn (doubles with Colombina)

Frank - the inn owner (doubles with Pantalone)

Sue - the inn owner’s wife (doubles with Rosaura)

Debbie - a waitress at the inn (doubles with Isabella)

Prewitt - a learned maintenance man at the inn (doubles with Il Dottore)

Mike - a lifeguard at the inn (doubles with Flavio)

Steve - a security guard at the inn (doubles with Il Capitano)

Act One takes place in the Old World (20-22 pgs)

Act Two takes place in the Old World and the New World (40-45 pgs)

Act Three takes place in the New World (20-22 pgs)


- 2 -

ACT ONE

Scene 1

Enter TRUFFALDINO, a young man. He walks like a cat, with bent knees, never in a

straight line. Walking quickly but taking his time, it seems he covers the whole stage

before reaching any kind of destination. He sees us. He stops. He addresses us.

TRUFFALDINO

Fuck my life.

He continues walking.

Enter ARLECCHINO, a middle-aged man, and Truffaldino’s father. He walks exactly the

same way as Truffaldino, though it is more accurate to say Truffaldino walks exactly the

same way as him.

Enter ISABELLA, a young woman, wobbling as she walks, as if floating from side to side.

She has a handkerchief.

Enter PANTALONE, an old, miserly, hunched-up man who shuffles across the stage.

Enter ROSAURA, a middle-aged woman, and Pantalone’s wife. She walks seductively.

Enter IL DOTTORE, old and fat, moving slowly, meandering in figure 8’s using tiny

steps.

Enter COLOMBINA, Arlecchino’s wife; a middle-aged woman. She walks similarly to

Arlecchino and Truffaldino, but adds a little flick of her foot at the end of her zanni walk.

Enter IL CAPITANO, walking in large strides, with his chest puffed out.

Enter FLAVIO, a young man, wobbling as he walks, as if floating from side to side. He

has a pen and parchment.

Miraculously, everybody avoids physical contact with each other. However, they do

interact with one another on their respective journeys. We see a hint of their

relationships with each other: Isabella and Flavio, the young lovers, hopelessly in love

yet unable to be together; Pantalone and Rosaura, a husband and wife who cannot stand

one another; Arlecchino and Colombina, a husband and wife who love each other; Il

Capitano, a loner; and Il Dottore, the bore who everyone avoids. In the midst of them all,

Truffaldino--following in the footsteps of his father, but with some detectable reluctance.

One by one, everyone exits; until only Arlecchino and Truffaldino remain.

ARLECCHINO

Truffaldino!


- 3 -

TRUFFALDINO

Papa.

ARLECCHINO

What’s the matter with you? You seem down. (certain) Are you hungry?

TRUFFALDINO

No.

ARLECCHINO

(reaching) Are you cold?

TRUFFALDINO

No.

ARLECCHINO

(horrified) Are you sick?

TRUFFALDINO

No.

ARLECCHINO

(exasperated) Then what’s wrong with you? (Pause.) Are you in love?

TRUFFALDINO

Yes, Papa.

ARLECCHINO

In love! I knew it! Who’s the lucky lady? (certain) Is it Lunetta?

TRUFFALDINO

No.

ARLECCHINO

(reaching) Is it Ricciolina?

TRUFFALDINO

No.

ARLECCHINO

(horrified) Is it Fiorinetta?!

TRUFFALDINO

No.


- 4 -

ARLECCHINO

(exasperated) Then who is it?

TRUFFALDINO

Isabella.

ARLECCHINO

ISABELLA! The master’s daughter!? Have you gone crazy, Truffaldino!?

TRUFFALDINO

I love her, Papa.

ARLECCHINO

Why do you love her? (certain) Is it her smile?

TRUFFALDINO

Yes.

ARLECCHINO

(reaching) Is it her laugh?

TRUFFALDINO

Yes.

ARLECCHINO

(horrified) Is it her voice?

TRUFFALDINO

It’s all these things and more, Papa.

ARLECCHINO

(calming down) OK. Let’s think for a moment. Clearly you’re not yourself, Truffaldino.

TRUFFALDINO

(wearily) No. It’s me.

ARLECCHINO

(certain) Have you spoken to Isabella?

TRUFFALDINO

No.

ARLECCHINO

(reaching) Have you kissed Isabella?


- 5 -

TRUFFALDINO

No.

ARLECCHINO

(horrified) Have you slept with Isabella?!

TRUFFALDINO

No, Papa! I’ve never even been alone with Isabella! There’s always someone else there,

interrupting us, impeding our love! I never have the opportunity to tell her how I feel!

ARLECCHINO

So how do you know you love her, when you’ve never been alone with her? You cannot

possibly love a woman until after you’ve spoken to her, kissed her, and slept with her.

(sagely) No--what you have is a crush, Truffaldino. (even more sagely) Puppy love.

TRUFFALDINO

Puppy love? What’s that?

ARLECCHINO

You’re infatuated with Isabella… It’s understandable! You share the same roof, and

you’re certainly not the first to fall for her flowery, emotional, high-maintenance ways-

TRUFFALDINO

(mournfully) I know, Papa. Why just this morning, Il Capitano comes to me, and tells me

he wants me to help him seduce her-

ARLECCHINO

What a coincidence! Just this very day, our master Pantalone says to me- Hold on a

moment, Truffaldino! Aren’t we in the middle of this very situation right now?! What are

we thinking? We don’t have time to discuss your profound malaise for Isabella!

TRUFFALDINO

There’s more to my malaise than Isabella.

ARLECCHINO

I don’t want to hear it, Truffaldino! I can’t believe we’ve been distracted like this!

TRUFFALDINO

No?

ARLECCHINO

I’m very confused! What’s am I doing right now? I was on my way somewhere-

TRUFFALDINO

Me too… I’m confused too, Papa.


- 6 -

ARLECCHINO

We need help here. A quick recap of the situation is in order!

Arlecchino and Truffaldino run through the events of the day up to this point. As they talk

about specific characters, the characters enter. The two move together amongst the

characters, introducing and incorporating them into the action; in turn, the characters

help tell the story. At times, snippets of earlier scenes are re-enacted. Everyone--aside

from Truffaldino-- seems to be having a good time, really enjoying themselves, enjoying

the drama, even if their role in the story is not a happy one.

TRUFFALDINO

OK, Papa. Il Capitano asked me to find a wife for him today…

Scene 2

IL CAPITANO enters.

IL CAPITANO

She must be beautiful and rich, and female; able to provide me with a legion of offspring.

ARLECCHINO

(observing the scene) Fool. Who’s he got in mind this time?

IL CAPITANO

Isabella.

ARLECCHINO

What a coincidence! Just this very day, Pantalone says to me:

Scene 3

PANTALONE enters, followed by ISABELLA AND ROSAURA. Pantalone talks with

Arlecchino; observed by Truffaldino. Isabella and Rosaura are in a scene of their own.

PANTALONE

Arlecchino, the shop’s not doing well in this time of economic crisis, and my wife

Rosaura and daughter Isabella continue to eat me out of house and home.

ISABELLA

I rarely eat.

ROSAURA

Eating is my only pleasure.

PANTALONE

My wife I’m stuck with! But if only someone would marry my daughter Isabella!


- 7 -

ARLECCHINO

(breaking out of the scene with Pantalone, speaking to Truffaldino)

So he asks me to find a husband for Isabella!

TRUFFALDINO

(bitterly) Isabella is infatuated with Flavio.

ARLECCHINO

Il Dottore’s son?

TRUFFALDINO

(jealous) For some reason, she loves him; hopelessly. And he loves her; hopelessly.

Forever they go about the place, lamenting their hopeless love for one another, yet neither

one of them seems capable of doing a thing about it.

Scene 4

FLAVIO enters. He seems tortured.

FLAVIO

Isabella! Isabella!

Isabella moves to a scene of her own. She also seems tortured. Overlapping monologues:

ISABELLA

Oh, Flavio!

FLAVIO

How and how-

ISABELLA

And when and when-

FLAVIO

And where and where-

ISABELLA

Will we ever be together?

FLAVIO

So many obstacles-

ISABELLA

So many complications-


- 8 -

FLAVIO

To my desire for Isabella-

ISABELLA

In my love for Flavio-

They both sigh. Arlecchino and Truffaldino wait for something more, but nothing.

ARLECCHINO

Yet another coincidence! Do you know who Pantalone wants Isabella to marry?

PANTALONE

Il Dottore! The learned doctor!

ARLECCHINO

What a situation. (wistfully) If only Brighella were here, he would know exactly how to

turn this state of affairs to our advantage! (Pause.) But he’s not, so it’s up to us!

(scheming) So! What has Il Capitano asked you to do?

Truffaldino returns to his “scene” with Il Capitano, as Arlecchino observes.

IL CAPITANO

Truffaldino, go to Isabella, and tell her of my affections. When she has recovered from

the initial excitement that I, Il Capitano--conqueror of Portugal; lover of almost several

women--wish to marry her, bring her to my house. I shall be waiting there… Watching

out for Turkish invaders.

TRUFFALDINO

Turkish invaders?

IL CAPITANO

They’re coming for me someday…

Casting furtive glances about him, Il Capitano exits. Truffaldino returns to his “scene”

with Arlecchino.

ARLECCHINO

That fool will run at the first sight of her skirt! Il Dottore is a better hope. This is the plan.

I’ll tell Il Dottore of Isabella’s affections, and convince him to visit Pantalone’s house.

TRUFFALDINO

Il Dottore will need no convincing.


- 9 -

Scene 5

Enter IL DOTTORE. Arlecchino joins him in a scene. Flavio eavesdrops.

ARLECCHINO

(to Il Dottore) Il Dottore! Amazing news! Isabella has declared her love for you! You

must meet her at Il Capitano’s house in order to consummate your union!

IL DOTTORE

Consummate Isabella, eh? Nice. Reminds me of the time- (Arlecchino stops him.)

ARLECCHINO

No time, Il Dottore!

IL DOTTORE

“Ego sum vetus quod pinguis quod loquacis”1 is what I always say-

ARLECCHINO


IL DOTTORE

I shall go straightaway!

Il Dottore exits (slowly). Flavio looks devastated.

FLAVIO

This is the worst news I’ve ever heard, and the worst pain I’ve ever felt! I’ve lost my one

true love to my father! This requires a full day of mourning, and perhaps a poem.

Flavio exits. Arlecchino returns to his “scene” with Truffaldino.

TRUFFALDINO

You sent him to Il Capitano’s house? Surely you meant to say Pantalone’s house?

ARLECCHINO

I got confused.

TRUFFALDINO

(sadly) Oh Papa.

ARLECCHINO

Realizing my mistake, I hurried home to Pantalone’s house to see Isabella. (Arlecchino

joins Isabella in a “scene.” Pantalone eavesdrops.) Isabella! Flavio has declared his love

for you!

1 “I am old and fat and talk a lot”


- 10 -

TRUFFALDINO

(observing) Papa! You said Flavio! How could you?

ARLECCHINO

(to Truffaldino) I got confused.

ISABELLA

Flavio! My one true love! Where is he?

ARLECCHINO

At Il Capitano’s house! You must go there at once to fulfill your destiny!

ISABELLA

At last we shall be together!

Isabella exits.

PANTALONE

Flavio is not a suitable husband for my only daughter. What future can he provide for

her? He’s a poet, what else can I say? I must follow Isabella to Il Capitano’s house, and

prevent this union.

Pantalone exits. Arlecchino rejoins Truffaldino.

TRUFFALDINO

You sent Isabella to Il Capitano’s house as well?

ARLECCHINO

I got confused again.

TRUFFALDINO

Now she will go there and be disappointed not to meet Flavio.

ARLECCHINO

More importantly, if Il Capitano sees her and declares his love for her, she will surely

choose Il Capitano over Il Dottore, and our master will be most displeased with us!

(Pause.) So, what have you been doing?

TRUFFALDINO

Well, remember you sent me to tell my mother to seduce Il Capitano?

ARLECCHINO

I did not! I sent you to ask Colombina to pay a visit to Il Capitano, and stall him whilst

Isabella falls in love with Il Dottore!


- 11 -

TRUFFALDINO

Oh.

Scene 6

Enter COLOMBINA. Truffaldino joins her in a scene. Rosaura eavesdrops.

COLOMBINA

Arlecchino wants me to do what?

TRUFFALDINO

Go to Il Capitano’s house and seduce Il Capitano.

Colombina seems angry. Rosaura seems shocked and dismayed.

COLOMBINA

How dare Arlecchino suggest I seduce Il Capitano?! It’s time I paid my stupid husband a

lesson. Let’s see how he feels when he sees me and Il Capitano together!

Colombina exits.

ROSAURA

Although married to Pantalone, I’ve been in love with Il Capitano for some time. I must

follow Colombina to Il Capitano’s house and prevent this union from taking place!

Rosaura exits. Truffaldino rejoins Arlecchino.

ARLECCHINO

Truffaldino, I told you to ask Colombina to pretend to seduce Il Capitano, not actually

seduce Il Capitano!

TRUFFALDINO

I got confused. (He seems ashamed.)

ARLECCHINO

You got confused? (proudly) Like father, like son.

Truffaldino does not seem as proud.

ARLECCHINO

So now we’re up-to-date! Everybody’s arriving at Il Capitano’s house!

TRUFFALDINO

Il Capitano’s garden, to be precise.


- 12 -

ARLECCHINO

Great! (suddenly) We better get there before they all arrive!

Lights change.

Scene 7

Moonlight. Il Capitano’s garden. We see the balcony of his house, and a large open

window. ARLECCHINO and TRUFFALDINO crouch in the garden.

TRUFFALDINO

Papa, there is more to my malaise than Isabella.

ARLECCHINO

Not now, Truffaldino! Can’t you see we’re busy here?

TRUFFALDINO

I wake up in the mornings, and it seems all I am is a clown. I serve my master, yet - like

you - all I want to do is trick my master, so - like you - I spend my days plotting and

scheming.

ARLECCHINO

I know! It’s such fun!

TRUFFALDINO

But the schemes never seem to work, and I- I really wish I could do something else-

ARLECCHINO

You’re distressing me, Truffaldino!

TRUFFALDINO

I’m not cut out to be a Zanni, Papa. I want more from this life. I want out.

ARLECCHINO

I don’t want to hear it! This is your life! Why would you want any other?

TRUFFALDINO

Surely there’s something different I can do with my time?!

ARLECCHINO

Like what?

TRUFFALDINO

Maybe I can go off to fight in a war like Il Capitano? (Arlecchino is highly amused.)

Maybe I can be a learned doctor like Il Dottore? (Arlecchino is even more amused.)

Maybe I can own a shop like Pantalone? (Arlecchino reaches a crescendo of amusement.)


- 13 -

Maybe then, Isabella would love me. (Arlecchino is suddenly serious.)

ARLECCHINO

Don’t you go getting false ideas! You are who you are. Remember that!

TRUFFALDINO

I don’t want to do this anymore. Every day, the same old concerns; the same old world. I

feel like I’ve been doing the exact same thing for hundreds of years...I’m thinking I can

get out of this game while I still have a chance. Before I get too old, and it’s too late for

me to be anything other than- (He stops himself.)

ARLECCHINO

Other than what? (louder) Other than what?!

Scene 8

IL CAPITANO appears at the window.

IL CAPITANO

Is somebody out there?

Il Capitano peers into the garden. Arlecchino and Truffaldino crouch in silence, heads

down. Colombina, appears beside Il Capitano.

COLOMBINA

Hush, Il Capitano, there’s no-one out there! Come, tell me again about how your naughty

sword once conquered Portugal.

IL CAPITANO

Mighty sword, not naughty sword-

COLOMBINA

Naughty and mighty? Tell me more, Il Capitano of My Heart-

They move away from the window.

TRUFFALDINO

Papa, I fear Mama is so angry with you that she will teach you a lesson this evening; she

may let Il Capitano have his Spanish way with her-

ARLECCHINO

(stunned) No! Not my Colombina! (suddenly angry) That detestable Spaniard! (shouting

at the window) HEY! Il Capitano! HEY! Keep your Spanish claws off my darling

Colombina!!


- 14 -

Truffaldino wrestles Arlecchino to the ground and keeps him quiet as once again, IL

CAPITANO appears at the window.

IL CAPITANO

Who is in my garden? Declare yourself now!

COLOMBINA

(appearing beside him)

Sounds like the rising wind, my dear Capitano.

IL CAPITANO

Colombina, I’ve a strong suspicion that Turkish invaders are gathering in my garden!

COLOMBINA

Turkish invaders? Whatever gives you that idea?

IL CAPITANO

I’ve always known they would come for me one day.

COLOMBINA

Come inside and shut the window, Il Capitano! I’m sure all you heard was the wind or a

dog, (for Arlecchino and Truffaldino’s benefit) or perhaps a pair of idiots of some kind.

She shuts the window, and leads Il Capitano away.

ARLECCHINO

Colombina is going to seduce him! I must stop her!

TRUFFALDINO

Someone’s coming!

Scene 9

Enter ISABELLA. She does not see them but they see her.

TRUFFALDINO

(standing up) Isabella!

ARLECCHINO

Ssh! Stay down, Truffaldino!

ISABELLA

(startled) Flavio?

TRUFFALDINO

No! Truffaldino!


- 15 -

ISABELLA

Who?

Scene 10

Enter PANTALONE.

ISABELLA

Papa?

ARLECCHINO

Master Pantalone!

PANTALONE

Arlecchino, you fool! You try to set Isabella up with Flavio, when I said I wanted Il

Dottore to become her husband!

ARLECCHINO

I got confused!

Scene 11

Enter ROSAURA.

ROSAURA

Truffaldino! Why do you want your mother to seduce Il Capitano!

TRUFFALDINO

I got confused!

Scene 12

Enter IL DOTTORE. He sees Isabella.

IL DOTTORE

Isabella! I came as fast as I could, but I made several interesting digressions along the

way! Did you know there are 300 distinct breeds of goat in existence? Alpine Goat,

Anatolian Black Goat-

ARLECCHINO


IL DOTTORE

But I’m here now! Wow! What an interesting garden! Is it an Alpine garden? An

Arboretum? Or-


- 16 -

ISABELLA

(wailing) Where is Flavio!?

Scene 13

IL CAPITANO appears at the window again.

IL CAPITANO

Turkish invaders! I know you’re out there! You think you can get me?! I and my naughty

sword will be down to deal with all of you without further ado!

PANTALONE

There are Turkish invaders among us?!

IL DOTTORE

We must arm ourselves at once!

They take out their STICKS.

Scene 14

Enter COLOMBINA.

COLOMBINA

Il Capitano is coming!

ARLECCHINO

What’s taking him so long? Is he hiding under the bed?

COLOMBINA

He’s mapping out his strategy! Quick Truffaldino! Run and fetch Flavio! Tell him

everything that’s happened!

TRUFFALDINO

What can Flavio do?

COLOMBINA

He will declare his love for Isabella, which in turn will resolve everything.

Scene 15

Enter IL CAPITANO. He confuses Pantalone and Il Dottore for Turkish invaders, and

draws his sword.

IL CAPITANO


- 17 -

Turkish invaders! We meet at last!

PANTALONE and IL DOTTORE

(confusing Il Capitano for a Turkish invader)

Turkish invader! We’re ready for you!

The three of them play a cat and mouse game with each other in the darkness, each of

them demonstrating their individual walks, and none of them actually coming close to

attacking or hurting each other. At times Il Dottore and Pantalone appear to switch

sides, then switch back again. As they do this:

ARLECCHINO

Truffaldino! Go and get Flavio! (Truffaldino doesn’t move.) Truffaldino! What are you

waiting for? GO!

COLOMBINA

What’s the matter?

TRUFFALDINO

I can’t do this.

ARLECCHINO

(perplexed) You’ve got to do this. This is what we do!

TRUFFALDINO

No.

Everybody stops.

ARLECCHINO

No?

PANTALONE

What do you mean, No?

TRUFFALDINO

I mean, No, I won’t fetch Flavio. I refuse to participate in these events any more.

Every day, the same old concerns. I feel like I’ve been doing this for hundreds of years.

ARLECCHINO

But if you don’t fetch Flavio, whatever will happen?!

TRUFFALDINO

We know what will happen if I do fetch Flavio. He’s in this very garden composing a

poem on the theme of his grief over the loss of his one true love to his father.


- 18 -

ISABELLA

He is?

TRUFFALDINO

He always comes to Il Capitano’s garden when he’s in the mood for poetry.

IL CAPITANO

What are you suggesting?

TRUFFALDINO

Flavio will come and declare his love for Isabella, and ask her to marry him. She will say

yes. Arlecchino will disguise himself as a traveling priest so they can be married on the

spot. Pantalone will be so distraught that his daughter is marrying a poet who cannot offer

a financially secure future that he will fall flat on his back, kicking his legs in the air,

gradually curling up on the ground like a dying insect. Rosaura, thinking Pantalone is

dead and seeing that Flavio is now married, will finally seize the opportunity to be

together with Il Capitano, and attempt to seduce him. Il Capitano will throw his head

back, howl, and run away kicking his feet forward as fast as he can. Rosaura will chase

after him. As a result, Il Dottore will think he has successfully defeated the Turkish

invaders; he will talk about this for some time. Then Arlecchino and Colombina will kiss

and make up for their misunderstanding regarding Colombina and Il Capitano. That’s it.

We end on a high note. The situation is resolved to everyone’s satisfaction. Well, Isabella

and Flavio’s satisfaction; Arlecchino and Colombina’s satisfaction; and perhaps Il

Dottore’s satisfaction. But not Pantalone’s satisfaction; or Il Capitano or Rosaura’s

satisfaction. Or my satisfaction.

Pause. Everyone attempts to digest Truffaldino’s diatribe.

ARLECCHINO

What makes you say all this?

TRUFFALDINO

I’m leaving, Papa.

Everyone reacts in shock.

ARLECCHINO

Where would you go? You are surrounded by family and friends; a world you know.

TRUFFALDINO

If I stay here, I see one future ahead of me. But if I leave, I see a billion possible futures

ahead of me.

PANTALONE

One future is all anybody needs, Truffaldino. Don’t be so greedy to ask for more.


- 19 -

ARLECCHINO

Colombina! Listen to this! Have you ever heard of such a thing?

COLOMBINA

Yes, I have. We ourselves talked about leaving Venice one time, Arlecchino.

ARLECCHINO

We did?

COLOMBINA

A long time ago.

ARLECCHINO

What happened?

COLOMBINA

You got pregnant; and we got married.

ARLECCHINO

(beaming at the memory) That’s right!

COLOMBINA

Truffaldino. You shouldn’t make the same mistake.

ARLECCHINO

Mistake?

COLOMBINA

I’m never been unhappy here in this cozy little world of ours. In fact, I’m very happy. But

I’ve always regretted not seeing what else is out there. I don’t want you to feel that way,

Truffaldino.

ARLECCHINO

(scandalized) Colombina! I do not believe my ears!

COLOMBINA

He needs to discover what is out in the world! He will come back to us.

PANTALONE

You hope!

TRUFFALDINO

Isabella!

ARLECCHINO

Don’t do it, son!


- 20 -

TRUFFALDINO

Come with me.

ISABELLA

Who are you again?

TRUFFALDINO

You have no future here.

ISABELLA

I am destined for a life of love with Flavio.

TRUFFALDINO

Why not consider me instead of Flavio for a change?

ISABELLA

Why?

TRUFFALDINO

You’ve never even kissed Flavio! You’ve never even been alone with him!

ISABELLA

Because all of you are constantly around us, interrupting us; impeding our love.

TRUFFALDINO

Exactly. It will never change.

ISABELLA

Flavio is the one I love.

An awkward pause. Nobody knows where to look.

TRUFFALDINO

Then I shall depart! (He hugs his mother and moves to shake hands with his father.)

Papa? (Arlecchino turns his back to him.) Farewell, everybody.

Truffaldino exits. Lights fade. Everyone waits.

COLOMBINA

(in the darkness) Um. Truffaldino-


- 21 -

Scene 16

Lights rise. Truffaldino enters again.

COLOMBINA

You’re not even going to pack a bag?

TRUFFALDINO

Well-

IL CAPITANO

Where are you going exactly?

TRUFFALDINO

The new world!

PANTALONE

Without money?

ARLECCHINO

(turning around vehemently) Without FOOD! (He turns his back again.)

TRUFFALDINO

I’ll work as I travel.

IL DOTTORE

Without a visa?

IL CAPITANO

You’ll need a fixed address to be eligible for a visa.

IL DOTTORE

If you pass the background check, which can take a month or two-

ROSAURA

Doesn’t he need to pass a medical exam too?

IL DOTTORE

If he wants to apply for a Green Card, yes.

PANTALONE

Of course there’s the application fee too.


- 22 -

ARLECCHINO

(turning around vehemently) See how ridiculous your plan is, Truffaldino! (He turns his

back again.)

Truffaldino seems deflated. An awkward pause.

IL DOTTORE

I can help you with most of these things, Truffaldino. I can file all the paperwork, and

conduct your medical exam. Can you work on the application fee? Find a fixed address?

Preferably find a job or an offer of a job-

IL CAPITANO

I might be able to help with a job. I’ve got a cousin in the army there-

PANTALONE

My brother has a business over there-

ROSAURA

My aunt moved there years ago. He might be able to stay with her-

COLOMBINA

Isn’t Brighella over there? (Pause.) Arlecchino? (Everyone stares at Arlecchino.)

ARLECCHINO

(under pressure) Yes, Brighella is managing an inn somewhere in the new world.

Everyone exclaims.

COLOMBINA

There you have it! A job at Brighella’s inn would be perfect for you, Truffaldino.

TRUFFALDINO

I was hoping to do something else… But I suppose I could work at Brighella’s inn as a

way of getting a visa and getting started. When I’ve saved enough money, I’ll leave

Brighella’s inn, travel the new world, and then decide what I really want to do!

IL DOTTORE and IL CAPITANO

Bravo!

ARLECCHINO

There’s still the small matter of the application fee!

Pause. Everyone looks at Pantalone.

PANTALONE

Don’t look at me.


- 23 -

COLOMBINA

I’ll pay the fee.

Everyone exclaims again.

PANTALONE

How do you have the money to pay for his application fee?

COLOMBINA

You’re not the only person in this world who is careful with money, Pantalone.

PANTALONE

But why would you pay for him?

COLOMBINA

Because he’s my son, and I want him to be happy.

ARLECCHINO

(completely scandalized) COLOMBINA!

TRUFFALDINO

Then I shall depart! (Again Truffaldino hugs his mother and moves to shake hands with

his father. Again, Arlecchino refuses to acknowledge him.) Farewell everyone!

IL DOTTORE

As soon as the paperwork for your visas is done-.

TRUFFALDINO

(irritated) Oh yes of course. Yes- I keep forgetting- Can we get to that now?

IL DOTTORE

Certainly. I think we can arrange all it all tonight. You will be on your way to the new

world in no time-

Lights fade.

End of Act 1


- 24 -

ACT TWO

Scene 1

We hear the sounds of a leaf blower. The noise fills the air. Enter TRUFFALDINO,

walking very slowly, blowing leaves and other debris. He sees us. He stops. He says

nothing. He continues.

Scene 2

Enter ARLECCHINO. He carries a rope and a pillow.

ARLECCHINO

Poor Arlecchino. Truffaldino has left me. My only son, gone. My lone descendent,

departed. My singular offspring, split. I am heartbroken. Heartsick. Heavyhearted. Bereft.

How could he do this to me? My solitary heir, run off. My solitary scion, quit. My special

boy, away. I am dejected. Despairing. Despondent. Distressed. Down in the dumps. Who

will replace me now? There is no Arlecchino junior. No chip off the old block. Nobody I

can call my father’s grandson. I will continue until I die, then the proud Arlecchino

tradition will be no more. I am deserted. Abandoned. Withdrawn. Woebegone. Sad.

Afflicted with synonyms. Poor poor Arlecchino. (Pause.) Come to think of it, why poor

Arlecchino? Why not angry Arlecchino? Truffaldino made this decision to hurt me! I

should be affronted! Bitter! Choleric! That’s right, I should be furious! Galled! Incensed!

Thoroughly maddened and offended! No doubt about it--I am outraged! Piqued! Utterly

splenetic! Vexed! Wrathful! Very very angry indeed! I must find a way to have my

revenge on Truffaldino. Yes, I shall have my retribution. Vengeance. Reprisal. Ecetera.

(He thinks, then hits upon a notion.) I have no choice but to end it all. Top myself. Take

my own life. Die by my own hand. But how? And with what? (He looks at the rope.)

Poison? I don’t have any. Drowning? Where would I find water in Venice? Jump off a

bridge? Again, Venice is not famous for its bridges. A cliff, perhaps? I don’t have the

energy to walk to a cliff. Maybe I should smother myself somehow? Suffocate myself!

Oh poor poor poor Arlecchino what a grisly end. But how? And with what? (He looks at

the pillow.) Ah! I have an idea! I shall sit down on my pillow, and I shall force myself to

stop breathing! (He sits down on the pillow, and builds up to this.) 1, 2, 3- (He holds his

breath. He holds it for as long as he can, then exhales in agony.) Drat! Almost had it! I’ll

try again! 1, 2, 3- (He holds his breath for as long as he can again, then exhales in even

more agony.) Drat! I cannot stop breathing! What is wrong with me? I must be sick!

Maybe I should see Il Dottore- No, wait, if I am sick, then Truffaldino has made me sick,

and if I don’t see Il Dottore, perhaps I will die. He will have murdered me. Annihilated

me! Asphyxiated- no not asphyxiated me. But he will have assassinated me! Done me in!

Eradicated me! I am erased! Exterminated! Massacred! By my own son. Obliterated!

Rubbed out! Slaughtered! Wait, perhaps I should seek a second opinion. Maybe the only

problem I have is with my breathing. I should find another way to do myself in. (He looks

at the rope again.) Ah! I have it! I shall force my heart to stop beating! (He builds up to

this again.) 1, 2, 3- (He scrunches up his chest. He holds it for as long as he can, then

crumples in agony.) Drat! Almost had it! I’ll try again! 1, 2, 3- (He scrunches up his chest


- 25 -

again, and tries a bunch of other tacks,like clenching his fists, contorting his face, trying

to reach around to his back, turning a summersault, then collapses in even more agony.)

Drat! I cannot stop my heart beating! I am most definitely sick! (A new thought.) No,

wait; perhaps I’m not sick. Maybe I cannot die! Maybe I am an eternal creature! A

supernatural being! All this time, I’ve been immortal and I didn’t know it! And now I am

doomed to walk the Earth forever, an everlasting entity. Deathless and depressed. Poor

poor poor poor Arlecchino!!

Scene 3

Enter Colombina.

COLOMBINA

What’s the matter with you, Arlecchino?

ARLECCHINO

Colombina! I am either very sick and will die this very day, or I am destined to live

forever! What do you think?

COLOMBINA

I think the answer lies somewhere in between those two extremes. What is going on?

ARLECCHINO

Colombina, I have no choice. Truffaldino has left me. My only son, gone. My lone

descendent, departed. My singular offspring, spl-

COLOMBINA

I’m aware of the situation.

ARLECCHINO

I am heartbroken. Heartsick. Heavyhearted-

COLOMBINA

I got it. So you are intending to kill yourself with that rope and pillow?

ARLECCHINO

(reacting as if he only now realizes he has the rope)

This rope? What could I do with this rope?

COLOMBINA

Hang yourself from one of the bridges overlooking the canals? Or better still, put some

rocks in the pillow case you have there; then tie the pillow case of rocks to your feet

using the rope; then jump in the nearest canal and drown.

ARLECCHINO

Are you trying to kill me, Colombina?


- 26 -

COLOMBINA

Don’t be silly.

ARLECCHINO

Don’t you miss Truffaldino?

COLOMBINA

Of course I miss him.

ARLECCHINO

(as if inviting her to a dance) You want to join me in death?

COLOMBINA

I’m not ready to die.

ARLECCHINO

You don’t want him to pay for leaving us, forsaking us, and renouncing us?

COLOMBINA

He is merely trying to find his own way in the world.

ARLECCHINO

I won’t have it! Fetch me some rocks. I’m going to do it.

COLOMBINA

There is a better way to make Truffaldino pay for hurting your feelings, Arlecchino.

ARLECCHINO

A better way? How?

COLOMBINA

Delay your self-execution for now.

ARLECCHINO

Delay it? By how long?

COLOMBINA

40 years.

ARLECCHINO

40 years! That’s forever! Why so long?

COLOMBINA

If you remain alive for 40 years, then each and every time you speak with Truffaldino

during that time, you can tell him what a terrible son he is, and make him feel as guilty as


- 27 -

you can for upping and leaving us this way. Then after 40 years, destroy yourself if you

want.

ARLECCHINO

What an excellent idea! For the next 40 years, let Truffaldino know just how much he has

disappointed me; then commit suicide. That will show him! A perfect plan!

COLOMBINA

Glad I could help, Arlecchino.

ARLECCHINO

But wait-… 40 years is a long long time to be constantly reminding Truffaldino how

much he has disappointed me. Perhaps I can ask Il Dottore to write a letter to Truffaldino

for me, instead. The letter will state exactly how I feel; then I can commit suicide in

peace, knowing full well that Truffaldino will keep the letter and feel so guilty that he

will read it every day for the rest of his life. There! That sounds like a lot less effort for

me!

COLOMBINA

I admire the effort you have put into your thinking on this matter, Arlecchino.

ARLECCHINO

Thank you, my darling wife! I’m off to find Il Dottore!

Arlecchino exits.

Scene 4

Enter Isabella.

ISABELLA

Colombina! I wish you to give a message to Flavio for me.

COLOMBINA

Flavio, my lady? What should I tell him?

ISABELLA

I want to meet him. Today. Alone.

COLOMBINA

Alone!? That’s not possible, my lady.

ISABELLA

Why not?

COLOMBINA


- 28 -

It’s not how things are done.

ISABELLA

No. We’re engaged to be married, aren’t we?

COLOMBINA

Well- Yesterday, you were.

ISABELLA

Precisely. I do not wish to suddenly discover today that we are not engaged, because

Flavio has been sold into slavery, or has an identical twin, or we were brother and sister

all along. My heart could not stand it again.

COLOMBINA

I understand, my lady. It is no problem for you to see him, but perhaps I should remain

with you as a chaperone, otherwise your father would not be happy with me. Or your

mother, for that matter.

ISABELLA

No. I want to see him alone.

COLOMBINA

You know we don’t do things this way, my lady.

ISABELLA

I know. But the stranger who was here yesterday-

COLOMBINA

What stranger?

ISABELLA

You know, the stranger who showed up in Il Capitano’s garden, shouting about how

everybody should think for themselves and try to do something different with their lives-

COLOMBINA

You don’t mean Truffaldino?

ISABELLA

Yes, him. The one who left for the new world-

COLOMBINA

Isabella, Truffaldino is no stranger; he’s my son. You’ve shared the same roof as him all

your life! Albeit you are upstairs and he is downstairs; so I guess his roof was in fact your

floor. In any case, you know him- I gave you baths together when you were children!

ISABELLA


- 29 -

I have no recollection of ever seeing him before last night-

COLOMBINA

He has helped serve you breakfast, lunch, dinner, and supper every day and every night

for as long as I can remember! You have sent him on a thousand errands! Last night he

told you he’s been in love with you the whole time-

ISABELLA

Yes I thought that was odd. Not completely unusual-

COLOMBINA

He never had a chance with you, did he, my lady?

ISABELLA

(remembering something) Wait a minute- Did you say we shared baths? I always

assumed that child was a long-lost brother of some kind who would turn up again some

day to claim my inheritance. You know, like the other time that happened.

COLOMBINA

(ignoring her) You want to meet Flavio alone because of what Truffaldino said?

ISABELLA

I never realized that Flavio and I have never been alone, until Truffladino said so.

COLOMBINA

(correcting her) Truffaldino. You know- like the chocolate.

Colombina suddenly casts a furtive glance about her, upwards and downwards, then

darts backwards into the shadows; when she emerges, she dashes forward, behind

Isabella. Isabella--still in the same spot but following her every move--is taken aback.

COLOMBINA

I really don’t know why I don’t think of doing this more often.

ISABELLA

What are you doing?

COLOMBINA

Checking for eavesdroppers.

ISABELLA

Oh. Good thinking. Eavesdropping is certainly a large problem in this town. So rude.

COLOMBINA

I think the coast is clear. OK my lady, I will do as you ask. When and where do you want

him to meet you?


- 30 -

ISABELLA

Um- As soon as possible? In Il Capitano’s garden?

COLOMBINA

Interesting choice. I shall deliver your message without delay.

ISABELLA

I will be waiting there.

Colombina exits in one direction; Isabella exits in another direction. After a few

moments, ROSAURA emerges from the one place that Colombina didn’t check. She has

heard everything. She exits, following Isabella.

Scene 5

Enter IL DOTTORE, followed by ARLECCHINO.

IL DOTTORE

Certainly it is no problem for me to write a letter for you, Arlecchino! I have one

question: what type of paper would you like me to use?

ARLECCHINO

Ah. I leave the technical aspect of this endeavor to you, my good Il Dottore.

IL DOTTORE

Well, when one counts all the permutations and combinations--and I have--one realizes

that there are in fact 10 thousand different kinds of paper…

ARLECCHINO

(quickly) White will do.

IL DOTTORE

White it is. (He picks out a white sheet). So! Dictate to me and I will write. What is the

first thing you want to say in the letter?

ARLECCHINO

Truffaldino! I trust you are well and enjoying the new world. How is it? I hear it’s

sunnier in winter, you don’t get as many vacation days, and you gain five pounds at every

meal. (to Il Dottore) Is that really true?

IL DOTTORE

Absolutely. I’ve only been there twice and look at me!

ARLECCHINO


- 31 -

(wistfully) I really should have gone there when I was young… (continuing to dictate)

There is no news here. You have not missed anything. Everything is the same. Oh, today

I almost died but discovered I may be immortal. However, inspite of this possible

immortality, I intend to die by my own hand. How could you do this to me, Truffaldino?!

Your own father! What did I do to deserve this? You are responsible for my death. If

anyone tells you, “don’t blame yourself; you weren’t to know”-- I say to you, Do blame

yourself. Blame yourself for the rest of your life, my son! Your loving father, Arlecchino.

IL DOTTORE

Tell him I say hello.

ARLECCHINO

P.S. Il Dottore says hello.

IL DOTTORE

(finishing up) That should do it! (He pauses.) Hold on! I can hear somebody talking!

ARLECCHINO

(excited) Who is it?

IL DOTTORE

I don’t know! But they’re coming this way! Let’s hide so we can eavesdrop on their

conversation!

ARLECCHINO

Excellent plan! What fun!

Arlecchino quickly finds a hiding place. Il Dottore takes longer but finds a spot in time.

Scene 6

Enter FLAVIO and COLOMBINA in mid-conversation. Flavio seems stressed.

FLAVIO

It really is most unusual for me to meet Isabella at this time of day, without any prior

confusion and complication; and it is absolutely forbidden for me to meet her alone.

COLOMBINA

It is not forbidden. Just not done.

FLAVIO

Well. I don’t know. Are we even engaged anymore? I thought- You know- Something

else would have come up by now-

COLOMBINA

I think everyone’s affected by Truffaldino leaving.


- 32 -

FLAVIO

Who?

COLOMBINA

Don’t you start. He’s only delivered a million frantic messages to you from Isabella, me,

or Arlecchino these past hundred years.

FLAVIO

Oh. The zanni- I haven’t missed him.

COLOMBINA

Will you go to Il Capitano’s garden and meet Isabella?

FLAVIO

Well- I am pretty busy fine-tuning this new poem I’m writing: “Talis est vita”2

COLOMBINA

Don’t you usually do that in Il Capitano’s garden?

FLAVIO

Yes I do. (resigned) OK, I will meet Isabella there.

COLOMBINA

Go now!

Flavio exits. Colombina waits. Then-

COLOMBINA

Well? Aren’t you going to want to hear what they say to each other?

Arlecchino and Il Dottore sheepishly emerge from their hiding places.

IL DOTTORE

How did you know?

COLOMBINA

Please. Come on, let’s go and hide in Il Capitano’s garden.

ARLECCHINO

(regarding Il Dottore) We’ll never get there in time!

COLOMBINA

We will. If I know Flavio, he will drag his feet. Tormented, unrequieted love is one thing,

but being happily engaged is another.

2 “Such is Life”


- 33 -

IL DOTTORE

If they break off their engagement, do you think I will have a chance with Isabella again?

COLOMBINA

As much of a chance as you have always had, my dear doctor.

They exit.

Scene 7

Il Capitano’s garden. Enter Isabella. She sits down.

Behind her, Colombina, Arlecchino, and Il Dottore enter silently, and find hiding places.

Enter Flavio.

ISABELLA

Flavio, my love!

FLAVIO

Isabella, my sweet.

ISABELLA

Finally, we may talk about our love for one another-

FLAVIO

Yes-

ISABELLA

Without the constant interruption and strife from our friends and family.

FLAVIO

I’ve waited for this day for so long.

ISABELLA

Have you?

FLAVIO

Uh- Yes.

ISABELLA

It was only last night when I realized we have never been alone together.

FLAVIO

Never been alone? Of course we have!

ISABELLA


- 34 -

No. Never.

FLAVIO

What about the time you pretended to be ill? I pretended to be a doctor so I could

examine you and sleep with you, thereby presenting a fait accompli to our fathers that we

must be married without delay?

ISABELLA

My father, your father, my mother, Colombina, and Il Capitano interrupted us that time.

FLAVIO

(remembering) Oh right.

ISABELLA

Even Truffalbeano tried to stop me sleeping with you that day...

FLAVIO

Who?

ISABELLA

Truffalbeano. Where have you been, Flavio? My zanni who went to the new world.

FLAVIO

Oh. Him.

ISABELLA

We’ve never slept together. We’ve never kissed. We’ve barely ever talked.

FLAVIO

I have written many tortuous odes on this very subject.

ISABELLA

Have you?

FLAVIO

I have been in constant anguish as a result of our consistently thwarted love, Isabella.

Why, here is a poem I’ve been writing these past few days! Talis est vita-

ISABELLA

Why not kiss me now, Flavio?

Pause.

FLAVIO

I- Um- A kiss? Here in Il Capitano’s garden? What if he sees us?


- 35 -

ISABELLA

He will merely think we’re Turkish invaders, getting it on.

FLAVIO

Um- I would like to recite my poem first. It expresses how I feel about you better than a

kiss ever could.

ISABELLA

I would prefer a kiss.

FLAVIO

Talis est vita!

ISABELLA

Please kiss me.

FLAVIO

“Decorous she sets; her splendor exudes truthful purity;

Her Body renders my essence weep;

I am stirred to encompass genital interaction with her all night extensive.”

ISABELLA

But you won’t kiss me.

FLAVIO

“But what am I? Nil in her pods but a sickly sluggish slothful snail,

Making his unspoken fashion across this Garden Path of Life;

Towards somebody’s shoe and looming annihilation.

Thus I’m abridged to inscribe art regarding her, since all art in the conclusion,

Is minimally the expression of a yearning for a certainty that can never be.

Is est causa pro professio in vita.”3

Silence. Isabella seems unimpressed.

FLAVIO

Well? What do you think?

ISABELLA

Is this what you spend your time doing?

FLAVIO

What do you mean?

ISABELLA

That’s terrible.

3 This is the reason for art in life.


- 36 -

FLAVIO

How dare you! Poetry is art!

ISABELLA

Don’t give up your day job.

FLAVIO

I don’t have a day job.

ISABELLA

I didn’t even understand some of that poem, and I’m Italian! What does “Is est causa pro

professio in vita” mean?

FLAVIO

This is the reason for art in life. The poem describes how I love you but I can never have

you, because I’m not good enough for you; which is why I create art. Because all art in

the end is merely the artist’s expression of desire for something that will never happen.

ISABELLA

You’re right, Flavio.

FLAVIO

I am?

ISABELLA

You’re not good enough for me.

FLAVIO

But I love you!

ISABELLA

Prove it. Tell me why you love me.

FLAVIO

Were you not listening to the poem?

ISABELLA

Why do you love me?

FLAVIO

Because-

ISABELLA

Because what?


- 37 -

FLAVIO

We’re the young lovers. We’re the innamorati. We’re supposed to be together.

ISABELLA

Is that it?

FLAVIO

It wouldn’t do if you were with my father or Il Capitano now, would it? It wouldn’t be

right. No, it would make no sense.

ISABELLA

So you’re in love with the idea of me.

FLAVIO

You and me.

ISABELLA

The idea of us. But what do you love about me?

FLAVIO

Uh- Everything.

ISABELLA

Really?

FLAVIO

Yes, it’s an all-over general kind of all-encompassing love.

ISABELLA

What specifically do you love about me?

FLAVIO

Um-

ISABELLA

I’m waiting…

FLAVIO

Agh-

ISABELLA

There’s no wrong answer, Flavio. If you truly know.

FLAVIO

(hazarding a guess) Your voice?


- 38 -

ISABELLA

My voice. Really?

FLAVIO

(relieved) Yes. I love your voice.

ISABELLA

What else?

FLAVIO

(struggling a little) Your smile. Your laugh-

ISABELLA

Nothing else?

FLAVIO

Your eyes? Your hair? The way you walk? Your ability to feign madness?

ISABELLA

But do you actually love those things about me, or are you simply reciting a list of things

you know you should love about me?

FLAVIO

(frustrated) Is he the reason we’re talking like this?

ISABELLA

Who?

FLAVIO

Truffalbambino. You’ve never asked me these questions before. Then he makes a speech,

and suddenly everything is topsy-turvy and I am being interrogated-

ISABELLA

Don’t you think we should ask these questions of each other, Flavio?

FLAVIO

No. I do not. It is enough for us to be in love, without wondering why we are in love.

ISABELLA

It is not enough for me, Flavio. I want more than that. I want somebody to kiss me

without me having to ask them to kiss me. I want a man who can tell me why he loves me

when I ask him; more than that, I want to be with a man who I don’t have to ask.

Silence.

FLAVIO


- 39 -

That man isn’t me.

ISABELLA

No. Then how can we be lovers? (Pause.) We cannot.

FLAVIO

What will we do?

ISABELLA

There is only one way out of this situation for us. I will have to fake my own death.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Note 1: We will spend equal amounts of time in the Old World and New World in Act 2.

The Old World scenes will be interspersed with New World scenes. So some scenes are

missing in this version.

Note 2: An inconsistency between Act 1 and 2 needs to be resolved: Isabella and Flavio’s

“engagement”.

TRUFFALDINO SAYS NO - PlayGround · Truffaldino Says No Version 1 - 1 - ... and the worst pain...

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