The Wind Farm

1 The Wind Farm – Issue 102. The Truth, The Half Truth and Anything But The Truth


Folkestone Mermaid Statue ‘Fit For Work’

A mermaid in Folkestone harbour has been told she must return to work immediately

after it was discovered that she has two perfectly good legs.

Ian Duncan-Smith made the demands after a visit to the town’s Rocksalt restaurant last

Thursday. Witnesses said that Duncan-Smith became angry when he spotted the mermaid

sitting on the rocks outside the restaurant, and remonstrated with it.

A waiter there said, “We couldn’t hear what he was saying, but he looked pretty angry. He

was waving his finger at it for ten minutes before returning to his table”.

An insider at the DWP told The Wind Farm, “Ian was furious with this mermaid. To be fair,

he’d had a bit to drink and was a bit eggy, especially when the mermaid didn’t respond. That

wound him up even more”.

Duncan-Smith has now demanded that all mermaid statues around Britain’s coasts are ATOS

assessed.

“Ian feels that there are too many of these mermaids claiming benefits around the coastal

towns when they could be employed elsewhere. He’s also written to Denmark’s prime

minister, recommending that the one in Copenhagen is

sent back to work also”, the insider told us.

But locals are up in arms about the recommendation.

Robert Bliss, leader of SDC allegedly said, “Ian Duncan-

Smith really is a wanker – it’s not even a proper

mermaid, for crying out loud. It has LEGS!!”.

Duncan-Smith, yesterday.

The mermaid was unavailable for comment this week. Because it’s a bronze statue and

doesn’t speak.

But locals were glad to tell us what they thought...

Kay Mcloughlin said: “I was telling Danny Dyer about this. He stalks me you know, met

him at a club in London and now he won’t leave me alone! LOL!”.

Dizzy Hayter said: “Not only does the ‘mermaid’ have legs, it could do with a good haircut

as well, and I could do it because that’s what I do. Cut people’s hair”.

Keith Holland said: “Mermaid or not, she’s welcome at Googies art cafe, where she could

enjoy one of the best coffees around. AND we pay our taxes, unlike fucking Starbucks”.


Cardboard customers to be introduced to The

Neppy

A scheme is to be launched in order to lure locals back to The Neptune pub after complaints that it

was full of tourists.

Bob Morris, a regular customer at the popular pub with tourists and DFLs said, “I’m fed up with

going down my local to find it over-run with Londoners. I went down there last Sunday and I didn’t

know ANYONE there”.

Landlord Darren Wilton said, “I can understand Bob’s frustration, as well as that of others. You’d

think that you’d be able to bump into a local in your local pub, but as soon as the sun comes out, we

get swamped by tourists”.

But regular Mick Hill, who had previously suggested electrocuting visitors with a cattle prod so

regulars could get to the bar easier, has come up with a solution.

“I suggested that I make some cardboard customers, using blown up photos of say, Justin and Emily

or Chris How etc, and then regulars can sit at a table with a familiar face at least. The conversation

wouldn’t be up to much, but then it isn’t up to much when you’ve got Johnny foreigner sitting on the

table, is it?”.

But an early trial was unsuccessful when a cardboard version of local Tory MP Mike Harrison was

placed at a table.

Wilton told us, “As soon as people realised who he was, they set light to him and dragged him into

the sea. We may have to re-think this”.


The Adventures of....Parallel Parking Man!


Continued over...


Pics by Katy Windsor.

Bus Stop Nailed To Ground After It Runs Off Again.

The bus stop in Harbour Street has been re-secured to the ground after running away

from on-coming buses.

The bus stop, on the 6A route, had been playing a prank on bus drivers for weeks by

running up the road just as the bus stops, forcing the driver to drive up the road to where

it stopped.

“And just as I pulled up, the little bleeder would run back again and I’d have to reverse

back up to where it was whilst it stood there laughing”, said bus driver Jack Hounslow.

“Our bus drivers are trained to stop at official bus stops”, said Stagecoach area manager

Jack Tirpitz, “They are not trained to deal with sentient bus stops that enjoy playing

practical jokes on buses”.

Stagecoach issued an apology this week to any passengers inconvenienced.


“My heartbreak at not being able to afford advertising for my

business” – Gardener speaks out.

A local gardener has told of her sadness at not being able to

afford advertising for her new business.

Katy Windsor, who quit her teaching job to work as a self-

employed gardener and a jobbing saxophonist told The Wind

Farm, “I’m heartbroken. All I want to do is to get my business

off the ground, but advertising is prohibitively expensive”.

Katy, 33, said, “I can’t even afford to buy an ad for The Wind

Farm Summer Annual 2013. It’s so sad. If only people would

email me at [email protected], then maybe some

work could come in. Maybe if I earned some money from my

skills as gardener, saxophonist AND artist, I may be able to afford advertising. But until then,

I shall just have to live on road kill and dead Seagulls”.

....’ere. Get this right. Y’know Whitstable is full of artists and

musos and stuff right? Well, I heard that they’re gonna build an

extension to Whitstable, all the way down to Folkestone.

Reckon the two towns are so alike that they want to join them

up and make a new town – Folkestubble or Whitstatone or

something like that. But here’s the hard part – every coastal

town in between has got to be dumped into the sea! Yeah –

Herne Bay, Margate...all the way down to Dover. Nothing going

on there, see? Except Deal, maybe because Charles Hawtry

used to live there. They may turn Deal into a village green

between the two. Guess how they’re gonna do it? You’ll never

guess, I’ll tell ya. Nuclear bomb, just like in the Superman film in

the 70s. The one with Christopher Reid...nah, whassisname, Vic

Reeves. Anyway, they found that there’s a fault line between

Whitstable and Folkestone, just like in Superman. Teutonic

plates or something. Reckon a quick bomb under it would send the whole lot into the sea and

then they can join the two up. You know why? They can’t come up with a ‘City Of Culture’ in

Kent. Canterbury’s shite, Faversham’s not much better and don’t even go to Sittingbourne.

Not a chance. Culture innit. Loads in Whitstable and Folkestone – they even let the zombies

out for a walk in November – but nothing going on anywhere else. You know what the

original plan was? They were going to get David Essex to build a tunnel between the two,

just like in War Of The Worlds...that’s what I heard.

mailto:[email protected]


With The Wind Farm Summer Annual 2013 release fast

approaching, we’re desperately trying to clear the leftover copies

that the second print run failed to shift.

You can now buy BOTH annuals for under a tenner.

YES - £9.99 for the pair, about as much as you spend on wine every

night, if your Facebook status updates are to be believed.

Go to www.thewindfarmsuperstore.bigcartel.com and buy your

copies today. Please. No, really – we DO the space. It’s a small flat.

http://www.thewindfarmsuperstore.bigcartel.com/


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