Verum, Dimidium Verum quod Quisquam Tamen Verum

Issue 66

Sweary Seagull accused of ‘Hate Campaign’

against Costa Coffee

Popular coffee shop that everyone likes ‘Harassed’

The manager of Costa Coffee has filed a complaint against Sweary Seagull after a

campaign of ‘Harassment’ by the troubled bird. Luigi Ripoff, general manager of the

popular cafe told The Wind Farm, “He’s been nothing but trouble ever since we

arrived here. Our windows were graphitised before we’d even opened, and we know

it was him because it was captured on CCTV”.

Ripoff also claims that Sweary has been piling up rubbish at the front of the shops

and this has been attracting rats.

“Customers are being turned away because of that Seagull, and they’re going to the

smaller, independent cafes in town. It’s just not on”.

Karen Froth, a waitress at Costa added, “Sweary often sits on the roof and dumps

his load on people coming in and out of Costa and people are scared to take out food

now because he swoops on them like that crow in The Omen II”.

Police were finally called in when Sweary allegedly swooped on a DFL who was

leaving Costa Coffee, forcing her to run in to the road where she was hit by Chris

Addison’s tuk-tuk (See issue 65). She sustained a broken fingernail and a snapped

stiletto heel and is now planning on suing someone for it. “I don’t quite know who,

but someone will have to pay for this. That little bastard just sat on top of Wheeler’s

restaurant laughing at me afterwards”.

Addison was admitted to Kent and

Canterbury hospital where he was

kept overnight for observation. “It

was scary”, said the In The Loop TV

series, “I hope she was insured

against that type of thing!”

Speaking from his home in the

grounds of Whitstable castle,

Sweary told us, “Dunno what you’re

talking about, mate. There are

thousands of Seagulls around Whitstable and none of them like Costa Coffee. Quite

apart from the price, it tastes like dog puke. And as a Seagull, I know what that

tastes like, I can tell you”.

When told that there was a warrant out for his arrest, Sweary simply said “Pfffft”.

Man reverses over himself with own

Sinclair C5

Oxford Street was temporarily closed off for 2 hours this week after a local

man ran himself over with his Sinclair C5. Horrified witnesses saw the un-

named man reverse the battery driven vehicle over himself outside the

popular Deco 5 bar.

“It was horrible”, said Annie Marmite of nearby Westcliff, “This poor man was

riding his C5 along when all of a sudden he appeared trapped under it, with

the wheels stuck in reverse. My husband and I tried to lift it off of him but only

managed to raise it a few inches; otherwise the wheels would have filed his

nose down”.

Emergency services were quickly on the scene

and specialist lifting equipment was used to

free the motorist. He is said to have suffered a

broken fingernail. Sgt Harold Par Boil of

Whitstable police said, “When will people learn

that C5s are dangerous? They’re a darned site

heavier than they look and result in more

deaths per year than Reliant Robins. And

chopper bikes”.

The Accident, last Thursday

Ask Sweary

Dubious Counsel From

Whitstable’s Angriest Boid.

Dear Sweary – I hear that reservoirs

are at an all time low and we’re

running of water. Is this true, and is it

something we need to be worried

about? R. Lobeck, Whitstable.

Sweary Says – I very much drought it.

Ha! See what I did there?!

Dear Sweary – Sam Fox once sang

“Touch me; I wanna feel your body”.

Well, I’ve just done a three year

stretch in Canterbury prison and I was

thinking of taking her up on the offer.

What do you think? A. Lag,

Canterbury

Sweary Says – Mmmmm. Bit difficult,

mate. I think she bowls from the

pavilion end these days. Besides, she

was on TV the other day and the best

parts of her have headed south. I’d

stay well clear mate.

Dear Sweary – Hello Sir. How are you,

sir? I work in Icelands, Sir and I can’t

stop saying Sir or Madam about ten

times to everyone I serve, sir. It’s like a

social tourettes, sir. Can you help me,

sir?

Sweary Says – Try calling them

‘Wanker’ instead. You’ll lose your job

in no time and you won’t have to worry

about dealing with the public anymore.

Sir.

Dear Sweary – Did Jefferson Starship

really build a city on Rock and Roll,

and if so, is it still standing? Pretty

flimsy foundations, I’d say. C. Richard,

Surrey.

Sweary Says – No of course they

didn’t, you twat. They did build up vast

amounts in their bank accounts

because of it, though. Fucking

dreadful song.

Star Letter! Dear Sweary – I’ve been labelled a tax dodger after channelling my money into a Jersey

bank account and – oh, Ha! Ha! – see what I did there, Sweary? “Channelled”....I could

wring a few gags out of that, couldn’t I? – J. Carr, Jersey

Sweary Says – I’d be more concerned about trying to be funny than worrying about the

tax man and...hang on. Which Carr are you? The funny little goofy one with glasses or the

floppy haired twat with a really annoying laugh?

Fears of mini-invasion as fortresses appear on Whitstable beach

Army on alert as castles appear

The army were put on alert last week after hundreds of castles appeared on Whitstable beach. The castles, made mainly of sand with little moats around them, began popping up from west beach to Tankerton last weekend - and now fears of an invasion are growing.

An MOD spokesperson said, "We are concerned that Whitstable may be invaded soon as someone has taken the precaution of shoring up our coastal defences. Someone knows something that we don't, quite obviously. And we'd like to know what they know because that's our job".

The castles (below) appeared after a hot weekend which saw Whitstable flooded with day trippers, many of whom went to the beach. Local traders reported a surge in business and the queue outside Jones' Fish and Chip shop broke records by

reaching Herne Bay. “It’s all very good for the local economy”, said Sgt Harold Par Boil, “But now these little castles are causing concern, especially the ones with the draw bridges made out of lolly sticks.....someone’s expecting trouble”. Defence analysts have predicted a possible crab invasion, or a ‘mini flotilla from Sheppey lead by midgets’.

‘Killer Shoes’ hand themselves in to

Police.

A pair of ‘Killer Shoes’ has handed themselves into Whitstable police station after a

murder spree. The Shoes, a floral design adorned with felt straps and needle felted

flowers, have confessed to a string of murders around East Kent including a small

puppy and a stray cat

They also claim to be responsible for the disappearance of wind surfer James

McVeigh, who went missing outside the Waterfront pub last July. “We are continuing

to interview the killer shoes”, said Harold Par Boil, “And they do match the

shoeprints left behind at the scene of McVeigh’s disappearance. The shoes are now

taking legal advice from a local solicitor”.

The shoes, made by popular Folkestone shoery Malicious Opera, are also said to

have attacked postmen and DHL delivery drivers in the past. Owner Luna McBoona

told The Wind Farm, “I’m glad to see the back of them, quite frankly. They’ve been

nothing but trouble since I bought them”.

McBoona described how the shoes had ‘delusions of grandeur’ because they were

unique, and would often refuse to leave the house even when she wore them. They

would often go to the pub and come back pissed before demanding a midnight feast,

normally a curry. “I hope that the law throws the book at them”, said Luna.

Sgt Par Boil said, “This is a good day for shoe crime, and it’s good to have these so

called ‘Killer shoes’ off the streets. We can’t have the sort of thing going on in

Whitstable”.

Designer Claire Hemmings was unavailable for comment earlier, but is said to be

‘disappointed’ that her shoes turned out to be killers. “Perhaps we should stop

calling them ‘Killer Shoes’ and go for something like ‘Fancy Shoes’ or ‘Lovely Shoes’

– anything but Killer Shoes”, said McBoona.

Dear Dr Crotchet – I really like The Clash’s I Fought The Law, and I think it was their best

single. What do you think? – M. Jones, London

Dr Crotchet says – Mmmmm. S’alright I suppose. But you can’t beat the original by The

Bobby Fuller Four

Dear Dr Crotchet – I heard that The Crash Test Dummies’ Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead is an

analogy of Jesus’ life on earth. Is this true? – S. Bolton, Bolton

Dr Crotchet says – Mmmmm. I don’t know about that, probably could be. You can’t beat the

original by XTC, though....

Dear Dr Crotchet – I heard a great song the other day by a band called The Toys. It was from

the 60’s so you may not have heard of them. Any idea who they are or what the song was

called? – H. Haroldson, Sittingbourne

Dr Crotchet says – Mmmmm. I DO actually. Their only hit was called ‘Lover’s Concerto’ but it

was based on JS Bach’s Minuet in G Major. And I prefer the original. Actually.

Dear Dr Crotchet – There was a punk band called The Toy Dolls and they recorded a song

called ‘Nellie The Elephant’. Someone told me it was a rip off of an earlier song. Who

recorded it? – S. Normal, Seasalter

Dr Crotchet says – It was done by Mandy Miller and was originally a children’s song that Ed

Stewpot used to play on a Saturday morning. And I prefer it. You can’t beat the original....

“Can’t beat the original”

With professor of musical snobbery Dr Graham Crotchet

Beach Hut Mermaid urges “Bring my

nipple back”

A wooden mermaid has asked for the thieves who stole her nipple to return it

immediately. The mermaid, who lives on a beach hut front in Whitstable, woke

up one day to find that her left nipple had been stolen and has since become

the unwanted centre of attention with tourists.

“I hate being a one-nippled mermaid”, she

said from Ed’s Dream beach hut, “Tourists are

forever pointing out my deformity and taking

pictures of it. The Americans are the worse –

just last week, a tourist shouted out ‘Hey look

– that Mermaid’s only got one nipple’. It’s

embarrassing, quite frankly”.

The nipple is made of wood, like the rest of her

and is said to measure two inches across by

three inches up. “It’s a bit like a silver walnut

whip” she said, “I won’t ask any questions, I

just want it back”

Chris Evans apologises to Whitstable

for being Ginger

Red faced red head pledges to dye hair

DJ and TV presenter Chris Evans has apologised to Whitstable residents this week for

being a Ginger.

Evans came under attack from local residents after saying there was ‘nothing much to do

in Whitstable’ – prompting a thread of anti-ginger comments on Facebook and around

town.

“I’m sorry if the colour of my hair offended the good

folk of Whitstable”, said the 54 year old Duracell

battery lookalike, “I wish I was wearing a hat when I

made the comments, and I may’ve got away with it”.

Evans has also offered to build a helter-skelter

outside The Pearson’s, after suggesting that

Whitstable would be a better place if it had one.

Furthermore, he has pledged to crush his fleet of

Ferrari’s and Aston Martin’s to provide material for

the 200 foot attraction.

Chris Evans – Yesterday

“It’s the least I can do as a ginger person”, he said, “And I’ll make sure that the team that

builds it doesn’t have gingers in it either. Not that it matters, as they’ll be wearing hard

hats, and I’ll make sure that we don’t have ginger biscuits during tea break either”.

When The Wind Farm suggested that Evans caused offence not because he was ginger but

because he accused Whitstable of being boring, he said “Oh....so I don’t have to dye my

hair after all?”.