The Transformation Begins

From A Fine Young Manby Michael Gurian

“When we help our boys through adolescence, I hope we’ll realize the value in some of the suffering that we put them through, the suffering they find in everyday life, and the suffering they ask for as they seek to make the second birth. If, always mindful of their fragility, we lead them carefully through the pains of adolescence, we can expect them to live less painful and more joyful lives in adulthood.

If we try to keep them from suffering the pains of adolescence, we put them at risk of living very confused adult lives. Adolescence is a time of new discovery, discovery of the adult core itself. No discovery of this magnitude is not filled with deeply valuable pains and sorrows. Our job is not to save the boy (unless his behavior has become inordinately dangerous) but rather to guide him through suffering, even if he doesn’t

notice our guidance consciously, and even if he doesn’t always agree with it. Being the parent, mentor, or educator of an adolescent boy is, in my mind, a more difficult task than being the same for a little boy; confronting the value of suffering is a primary reason.”

Communication Homework Extra curriculars Reading as a way of life

COMMUNICATION

“Effective communication is easily discussed but much more difficult to implement. Knowing what to do is not the same as doing what you know. Communicating effectively requires narrowing the gap between what we know and what we do.”

From Raising Resilient Children by Goldstein and Brooks

COMMUNICATION & RESILIENCE

Communication is the foundation for developing and strengthening the following qualities of resilience:

Empathy Hope Optimism Problem solving ability Reflection Coping ability Ease in interpersonal situations Self-worth Appropriate risk taking Sense of control or ownership over one’s life

TWO OVERARCHING COMMUNICATION GUIDELINES

“Am I saying or doing things in a way that would make my children the most receptive to listening to what I have to say and learning from me?”

“Would I want anyone to speak to me in the way I’m speaking to my children?”

Over these middle school years what do you want your communication to assist in developing in your sons?

Where do you want to be at the end of the middle school in terms of your communication with your sons?

What are some of the “dead end streets” you need to avoid?

A STARTING POINT - THE FAMILY MEETING

Select a food everyone looks forward to eating.

Select a time that works for everyone and commit to it.

What was the best thing that happened to you this week?

What was the worst experience for you this week?

Is there anything I/we can do to help you?

Executive FunctionThe cognitive system that controls and manages other cognitive The cognitive system that controls and manages other cognitive

processes like:processes like:• PlanningPlanning• Working memoryWorking memory• AttentionAttention• Problem solvingProblem solving• Verbal reasoningVerbal reasoning• InhibitionInhibition• Mental flexibilityMental flexibility• Multi-taskingMulti-tasking• InitiationInitiation

The Physical Environment The Ritual of Routines

Not every night is the same, but as much as possible every Monday night is the same.

Celebrate during breaks to reinforce what has been accomplished.

Encourage effective time management with the recording of actual times.

Your supportive role in homework management – “Suggested Guidelines for Parental Involvement in Homework”

Complete the “Home Schedule Card” Develop a partnership with your

son’s teachers, not an adversarial role.

Keep asking – “Am I enabling or empowering?”

How much is too much? Balance RoutineHow we spend our time communicates what

is valued as important. Extra Curriculars should reduce our anxiety and improve our confidence.

Remember – If the greater value is placed on the extracurricular, then the message interpreted by the student is that it is more important.

For example, research with children has shown that reading for pleasure is positively linked with the following literacy-related benefits:

reading attainment and writing text comprehension and grammar breadth of vocabularypositive reading attitudes achievement in reading greater self-confidence as a reader pleasure reading in later life

There is also evidence that reading for pleasure not only impacts on reading achievement but also increases:general knowledge a better understanding of other cultures community participation a greater insight into human nature and decision-making

Boys need reading to serve functional purposes

Boys read, but their literacies aren’t privileged in school or home

Good vs. evil themes “Edgy” is good! Series books popular

where relationships with characters carry over

1. Value and foster the reading he already favors.2. Middle school is NOT too late to read together

before bed. Good time for literature! (What could be higher quality quality-time?)

3. Take him to the bookstore every paycheck. Let him pick out a book. A little edgy is okay!

4. No statistical benefit to reading incentives—and potential dangers to them

5. The importance of text-rich environment6. A “community of readers” can be talking about

or sharing books with just one family member.7. Read for work and pleasure in front of your son.

You have to keep asking yourself, “Is this the hill I want to die on?”