The Family - Children of God

7/31/2019 The Family - Children of God

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THE FAMILYChildren of God / Family of Love

Vital Information!

Dearest Friends and Brethren,

Hi! My name is Rick Dupui, alias Watchman de la Mancha; and it is my great pleasure toinform you that I am now safely out of the Children of God group and have miraculouslysurvived the ordeal with my sanity more or less intact -- ha! I would like to affectionatelyaddress the following brief history to all you ex-members of the COG who I sincerely praywill find the following account interesting and helpful. I would also like to direct this to any of you "hangers-on" who find yourself in that very uncomfortable state of sitting on the fence innever-never land where you seem unable to reality make a break with the COG or the past and,as a result, are unable to successfully reintegrate into the real ala world or forge a new identityfor yourself.

It is my prayer that the following account may help in some small way to push you off the proverbial fence and to move you one step closer to full recovery, mental health and thewonderful experience of becoming a whole and integral person who is in full control of hisown life and destiny. Kicking the addiction of a controlling religion such as the COG can be adifficult and psychologically wrenching experience and I know all too well how devastatingthe destructive phobia indoctrinations about leaving the group can be and how debilitating andtormenting the resulting feelings of condemnation can be and the havoc they can wreak inone's life. However, I am also convinced that the joy that comes with fully regaining one's ownsense of freedom and true spirituality is well worth the effort and that there truly is "life after the Family".

I joined the Family in March of 1969 in Tucson, Arizona and was soon transferred toHuntington Beach to receive my initial indoctrination under "Dad's" direct teaching. At theyoung age of 17, I threw myself into the activities of the group with a great fervor anddevotion; and for much of my first few years in the group I experienced emotional andspiritual highs that were like nothing I've experienced since. I had a keen sense of mission as Iwatched our little group grow from a small nucleus into a worldwide movement that wasmaking history and the headlines and seemed to be having an impact on other contemporaryreligious movements and even on society at large.

I also found a tremendous sense of identity In the group as a "pioneer" and "trail blazer"; and Idelighted in the challenges and adventure of fighting irate enemies and "persecution" whileopening up new beachheads in major cities in the United States and, eventually, in Mexico,Central and South America. I was on-fire and gung-ho, and my own extraordinary personalexperiences had convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Family was God's elitemovement for this day and there was no-thing that anyone could possibly say or do to shakemy rock-solid commitment.

Since my coming out of the Family five short months ago and having had the opportunity tolisten extensively to the tales of other ex-members, I've come to see that while there aresimilarities in these experiences, there are also many distinct differences and that individualexperiences of joining and leaving the Family vary greatly from person to person. Thus, as I'vecome to see that my own experience was indeed unique and that one reason I lasted so long isthat as any role as a "pioneer", I was afforded the unique opportunity of a rare amount of

freedom and liberty that kept me away from headquarters where most of the weird stuff wasusually happening and where people usually tended to get screwed up and hurt the most. In


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addition, my position as a leader and my involvement in numerous "special ministries" made possible a very important element which is crucial to a person with my emotional and psychological make-up -- and that is the opportunity to express myself in creative andmeaningful way.

The need for freedom and expression has always been very great in me and, as long as I wasable to carve out a niche for myself in the Family which allowed me these essential elements, Iwas able to continue functioning and) in many cases, even prospering. However; later when Iwas forced into the position of feeling the full brunt of the totalitarian and authoritarian sideof the Family in an atmosphere of overt control and manipulation, I eventually cracked -- andthis is what led, thankfully, to my recent exit from the group.

Anyway, after ten exciting years in the group, things began to unravel after the RNR in 1978,and the Family as I had known it basically fell apart. Things, of course, had already beengetting quite weird for a year or two before that; and this was slowly starting to erode thatrock-solid conviction and perfect image I had had of the Family. Over the years, of course, asthe Mo Letters had gotten increasingly bizarre, I had tended to "compartmentalize". In other words, I merely hung on to the basic conviction that my own personal experiences had clearly

borne out that the Family was God's will for my life so that I simply took a lot of theweirdness and swept it under the rug, so to speak, so that I would not have to continually dwellon these potentially debilitating inconsistencies.

It was in '78 that I watched the group disintegrate into a lot of aimless little bands of very lost people who were indulging in heavy alcohol abuse as well as totally promiscuous sexualactivities. I too drifted for a while, mooching off my in-laws as my own feeling of self-respect

began to completely erode and I began to be ashamed of what I had become. It was at this point that I made a decision to take control of my own life and that I needed to earn a livingand do something to support my wife and children whom I dearly loved.

One week of enthusiastic job hunting with a carefully crafted resume and a meticulously

rehearsed interview style landed me an executive position with the sales and marketingdivision of the Holiday Inn Hotel Corporation. As I threw myself into that career with thesame fire and fervor that I had once reserved for "God's work", I came immediately to thenotice of my superiors and enjoyed a, what was by all accounts, meteoric rise within thatlargest of hotel corporations. During this time, I had discarded completely the idea of ever returning to the Family. I merely looked on it as a closed chapter of the book of my life and

because my coining out had so little stress attached to it, I experienced almost none of the post-cult trauma more commonly associated with ex-cult members.

The hardest thing for me was living with two identities. In other words, since I was somewhatless than honest on my resume and was working in a very conservative corporate environmentin which image meant everything, I had to play this role and be this completely different

person during my work and related social activities. And the only place I could be myself andlet out my true feelings was in the arms of my wife, sweet Katrina, and in the company of myown family. My parents, thank God, were very supportive of me during this period; and my

bond with them grew very close during this time out of the Family. This split identitysyndrome began to eat away at me after a while because, in spite of the fact that I had a high-

profile position that necessitated me being very active socially, most of my acquaintanceswere on a very superficial plane and I, of course, missed the camaraderie and in-depthfriendships that I had known in the group.

The lack of a spiritual alternative with which to replace the Family was also difficult for ussince we had been so indoctrinated against any churches and I didn't feel any inclination toreach out for this kind of fellowship or to find some alternate spiritual practice or belief.

Besides, it seemed that making a living and raising a family took just about all the energy Ihad and there wasn't much time or strength left to contemplate spiritual matters or the deeper


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meaning of life. As time went on, the rough-and-tumble world of corporate politics began towear on me; and there were several Instances when I was obliged to ignore my conscience and

basic principles in order to protect my career in the company; and this proved disturbing anddisillusioning.

When Faithy and Juan showed up in Mexico City in the summer of 1981, I was probably atmy most vulnerable stage. Even though I initially resisted their advances, they proved their skills in recruiting and I eventually succumbed to their persistence. There were a lot of dynamics at work in my decision to rejoin the Fancily at that point. I must honestly confessthat there was an element of escapism in that I wanted to be free from a lot of the pressuresand frustrations of the "rat race", and the simple life of faith and the great sense of communityvery much appealed to me at that moment.

The video tapes that Faithy and Juan showed us, with images of all of these people I hadknown and loved through time years serving God together with their children, living inharmony and love (or so it appeared in the videos -- ha!) had a very powerful effect on me andit reawakened a lot of the deep emotions that had been pretty much inactive since my leavingthe Family. Seeing all the little children on the video tapes "serving God" and doing their littlesinging numbers also made me feel I was denying my own children a great "heritage of faith"and I became convinced that rejoining the Family would be the most responsible thing to dofor their well-being as well. Thus, along with the escapism, there was a very real element of sincerity in wanting to serve God again.

So, the combination of all these things led us to the decision to forsake all once more andrejoin the Family. The fact that this totally severed relations with my parents and meant meturning down an incredible offer from Holiday Inns only tended to confirm even more howthis decision was "of God" and to bathe the whole thing in an aura of self-denial and religiousmartyrdom.

After a rather rocky start in Puerto Rico, I was asked to take over the MCV (Spanish Musica

Con Vida) project which was in its infancy stages at the time. For the two-and-a-half yearsthat I headed up the MCV offices I had an overall meaningful and exciting time together withthe sense of mission and a tangible project that I could sink my teeth into and feel inspiredabout.

During this period, "the folks" (Mo and Maria) were buttering me up quite a bit and wereapparently grooming me for a career in World Services as they were thrilled with the job wehad done with the MCV office and were hoping for greater things in the future. However, aseries of events at the end of my tenure proved that I still had this rebellious and independentstreak; and my reluctance to follow some mindless orders from "Dad" himself led to our dismissal from World Services in December of 1983. This was my entry into that fascinatingworld of political intrigue and power politics known as World Services.

We were then more or less "exiled" to Central America where, frankly, I was thrilled with our new-found freedom; and we were once again able to operate according to our own faith. I wascertain that I never wanted to go back into such a confining atmosphere as that of a WorldService unit. It was here that I also had my first involvement with professional video

production and through this became convinced that the Family could greatly benefit by usingthis very powerful medium. I began pushing for this in my communications with "the folks" .

Almost from the start, I received quite a bit of opposition from them. Once I began working onthe End-Time video project, I received actual orders from the folks to cease these activities andI very politely declined to go along with this as I was already quite committed to the project,having received the help of various brethren to purchase equipment, etc. This independence

got my nowhere with the folks, needless to say; and by the time I finished and was able to sendout the project , I decided to give in and turn myself over to the local Family authorities who


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were at that time Seek & Servant. Also, due to the inherent unhealthiness of the COG lifestyleand the power I had as a leader over other people's lives In Central America, I began to feelgenuinely guilty about some of the things I had done.

This guilt was a powerful force in bringing about my decision to "give myself up". In a tightlycontrolled and totalitarian religious system such as the COG, the concept of God is so closelyintertwined with the system itself that it is virtually impossible to disassociate the two. In mymind, to yield to God was to yield to the Family; and the genuine guilt I was feeling about myabuses of power in Central America only tended to confirm that the leaders were really rightabout me, that I was desperately tripped off and needed to repent.

Upon my surrender, I was separated from my family and sent to Seek & servant's Home inMonterrey, Mexico where I endured seven weeks of "obedience and humility training" . In the

past several years, the Family has institutionalized this concept of "retraining centres" andvirtually every major field has Its own program of this type where errant teens and adults arcsent and subjected to intense emotional and psychological abuse in order to badger them into a

place of total submission. In my case, by tile end of six weeks , they finally extracted aconfession out of me in much the same way communist captors have done to their political

prisoners in recent history. There are hundreds and perhaps thousands of other cults whichemploy similar tactics; but from what I've seen and read I'd venture to say that the COG areamong the most brutal.

I, of course, ended up submitting totally and even sold all my audio-visual equipment and gavethe money to the work as a further indication of my total repentance and state of yieldedness.

Nonetheless, in the aftermath of all this, the hard reality began to sink In that r simply couldn't be a clone and that, again, being the kind of person that I am, I needed some kind of outlet for my creative energies in order to survive in the Family. I found myself in a terrible state. It wasat about this time that I realized that I really didn't wish to remain in the Family anymore. Onthe other hand, I was emotionally trapped since I was of course very attached to my dear wifeand precious children and since I didn't feel I had a viable spiritual alternative to offer them

outside the Family, I felt like I was caught between a rock and a hard place.

This conflict eventually plunged me into the depths of despair and a state of depression whichculminated in my return to my parents' house in early 1987 so that I would have time to assessthe situation and contemplate a response. It was there at my parents' that I once again becameenthused with the prospects of initiating an audio-visual ministry within the Family. Ireasoned that if I could get some equipment together and produce some videos of real meritthat the Family would at least tolerate this and I would thereby find a place of service withinthe Family that I could live with which would also allow me to stay with my family. My dear

parents very lovingly financed my purchase of several thousand dollars worth of video production equipment, and I returned with this to Mexico.

Shortly thereafter, I was invited to attend the South American Teen Training Camp in Peruand after some initial resistance was able to convince Juan to allow me to send for mycamcorder and began filming with the prospect of later putting together a series of videoscovering the highlights of this event. I returned to Mexico with several hours of footage andwas able to put together a series of videos which caused quite a sensation within the Familyand eventually earned me an invitation to Japan from the folks themselves to come and

produce videos .

Even though accepting this invitation entailed the "temporary" separation of myself and myfamily, Katrina and I both felt it was a real open door from the Lord and we, of course, feltcertain that if it did blossom into any kind of a major ministry that she and the children would

be brought over in the not too distant future. This assumption proved to be dead wrong. As I

look back on it now, I have to honestly admit that they had every intention of separating me


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from Katrina and the rest of my family as they have done with so many other familiesthroughout the history of the group.

Once in Japan, I found myself in a completely foreign and totally controlled environment,effectively cut off from all emotional support systems. with all incoming and outgoing mall

being strictly censored. About a month-and-a-half after my arrival, Mo, Maria, Peter andcompany showed up at the school in Japan and a couple days later I received a personal phonecall from Maria giving me counsel on a new PR video which she wanted me to produce for thework in Japan (interestingly enough, she mentioned she got the idea from watching the videothe Moonies produced for their recruitment purposes in Japan!). I was also dealing extensivelyduring this period with Peter Amsterdam (Maria's right-hand man) and also had contact withother members of the folks' personal staff.

It was during this period that I got to meet "Davidito" (Maria's son, then in his early teens) andsaw him as being a poor little abused introverted boy who seemed to be greatly disturbed andvery fearful. While at the school, Davidito briefly had the experience of getting out of whathad been a cloistered and basically controlled environment and being able to freely associatewith other young people his age there at the school. Unfortunately for him, he began to exhibitsome "independent" and "cool" tendencies; and he soon disappeared from the schoolaltogether. Sometime later, we received a Mo letter which explained his sudden absence. Itwas one of those horrible, vitriolic blasts in which Mo very harshly and cruelly took this poor young man apart while threatening him with the judgements of God and physical violence,etc.

Anyway, the situation continued with me at the school having to fight with Peter and the other leaders there in order to get the equipment I needed to begin production and constantly havingto do a "sales job" assuring them that their investment would be more than worth it once wewere able to produce some good videos of high enough quality for the General Public whichthe Family could market in various languages worldwide .

This was fulfilled in the production of the first "Kiddie Viddies". Within six months, thevideos had proved to be the Family's hottest outreach tool as well as the biggest source of financial income the Family had ever had (especially now that FF'ing was curtailed) .

To recount in detail the highlights of my four-year stay in Japan would take far more time andspace than we have available here. But I can sum it up by saying that it was an incredible taleof manipulation and cult mind control in its purest form. Due to my independent nature, I ranafoul of the Family authorities on many occasions and received some very severe discipline inthe way of demotions to "babe" status, worldwide rebukes in COG publications, severerestriction and two months spiritual terrorism as an inmate at one of the "victor programs"which was very similar in many ways to the time I had spent in Seek & Servant's retrainingcentre in Mexico. However, I must say they have refined their tactics with the net effect of

producing an even more oppressive and brutal system of thought reform. The mental, psychological and even physical abuse of young people I witnessed while at this location inYokohama was greater than anything I had observed several years before at Seek & Servant'sHome.

Also due to the fact that I am by nature a very emotional person who was devastated by myloss of Katrina and our children, I soon began reaching out for a meaningful relationship witha woman. In many ways it seemed for me, being able to maintain close and intimaterelationship with another human being was a way of staying in touch with reality in anotherwise very unreal situation, and it also helped me to maintain a measure of my humanityin an otherwise very inhuman situation. However, whenever I would get very close andintimate with someone, the relationship would be systematically and abruptly terminated as a

means of discipline and control. So I went through a series of four consecutive relationshipsduring my four years in Japan, each of which was terminated in this brutal and compassionless


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manner. Since two of these relationships initially involved children, the net effect of all thiswas to slowly transform me into the equivalent of emotional shredded wheat. It was the sourceof extreme psychological torment .

The thing that made it doubly devastating was that I was taking all these things as comingstraight from the hand of God, and it finally got to the point where I simply could notunderstand how God could be so cruel or what exactly it was He was expecting of me. I had anumber of very sincere repentances" and tried desperately to play the martyr role. During themany periods in which I would totally subjugate myself to the group and their will, I would be

praised as a "great testimony" and people would marvel, "Wow, Watch is such a newcreature!" However, it was in such total violation of who I really was as a person and washaving to constantly suppress so many emotions and so much truth about the situation that Iwas becoming an emotional time bomb, like so many in today's Family -- both children andadults .

The thing that kept me going in this incredible time was the sense of responsibility I felt before God in regards to the video ministry. The videos seemed so wonderful and wholesome,and we would receive reams of glowing testimonies from around the world regarding all theglorious victories being won thru tine distribution of these videos. So it seemed like no pricewas too great to pay and that thru all this suffering I was merely being given the very high

privilege to suffer a form of martyrdom in order to help establish the Kingdom of God onearth. Whenever things would get really awful, I would always go back to that Mo Letter "Schtick" where Mo severely warned Simon Peter that if he left the MWM radio ministry thatGod would judge and probably kill him, etc. I felt that the video ministry was my call fromGod and that no matter how awful thing's got, I simply could not abandon it or let down theother people who were depending on my presence there.

However, at precisely the end of my four-year tenure in Japan, the situation had changedsomewhat, since I was finally able to completely train someone who could take over much of what I was doing. At this point, I merely requested a temporary leave of absence and asked if I

could go see my folks in Texas for a couple months, as I was feeling very stressed out due toall the emotional upheavals I'd been thru there in Japan and felt I needed a little bit of timeaway to rest and recuperate.

Far from receiving a reasonable response to this very legitimate request, this instead was thecatalyst for two months of a horror almost too incredible to describe. I was put under housearrest, and this is where I saw the Family's supposed love turn into the most intense hatred onecould possibly imagine. Thru sleep deprivation, exorcisms, hard labour and other incrediblyharsh methods of mental, psychological, emotional and even physical abuse; I was reduced

basically to mush and was hanging on to sanity by a thread.

I was eventually put on a flight out of Japan as a complete mental, physical and emotional

wreck. Although I was in such a bad state that I was suffering severe anxiety attacks duringthe flight home, I still tried to "witness" to others on the plane and at the airports , since I wasso fearful that God was going to strike me dead and I figured as long as I was witnessing Hemight not do it. My parents were absolutely shocked to see the horrible state I was in when Iarrived, as I looked very much like a P.O.W. camp survivor and I was not the same person theyhad known four years before,

One week after being back in the States, I realized that I needed professional help and wasable to get in touch with a very qualified psychologist who began to take a very specialinterest in helping me . This man began to give me many hours of free counseling time and,when he finally heard the full story of what had happened to me in Japan, he was incredulous.This very experienced professional told me that in all his years as a psychological counselor

he had never come across a case of such brutal tactics and such cruel and inhuman mindcontrol and brainwashing. He told me it was his professional opinion that it was an absolute


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miracle, clinically speaking, that I could be sitting before him as a sane individual recountingmy story to him, in light of all that had happened.

The crux of the whole matter in my mind at the time was the issue of whether the Family wasreally right or not, and I desperately determined that I needed to come to an honest and un-

biased conclusion on this very important issue. Far from being an "enemy", I started outdefending the Family to everyone I spoke with; and it was only as I verbalized all the horror that had happened to me and saw the reaction of other compassionate and unbiased human

beings, that it began to dawn on me just how out of it the Family really is.

The last thing I wanted to do was cop out or get caught up in a "disgruntled former employee"syndrome in which I would attack the Family just because I had had a bad experience and wasun-able to make the grade myself. So much about the Family still, looked so good to me: Look at all these dedicated people serving God and all these children are so dedicated. How couldthey be, so wrong? I fought and defended and had given my life to this group for over twentyyears. How can I all of a sudden turn around and say it's all bad?

Well, the fact of the matter is that I can't say it's all bad because very few things in this life arethat simple. Most of life, in fact, consists of complex issues in which there are shades of greyand variable factors to consider. Sometimes it feels comfortable to try and concoct some tidylittle doctrine regarding our Family experience, but the truth is that each of us had verydifferent experiences in the Family, some good and some bad; so it is neither safe nor accurateto make blanket generalizations .

For instance, as stated earlier, I had come to see clearly that my status as a leader and pioneer who was on the outer fringes of the Family made my experience somewhat unique in that itkept me a bit out of the mainstream and helped protect me from the horrible experiences that

bad been happening to other people all along. It has shocked me to hear the stories of so manyex-members and to learn or the horrible atrocities which were committed throughout the entirehistory of the Family. Sometimes it's made me wonder, "Where was I?" It's not easy to admit

that something you've given most of your adult life to is basically wrong.

However, while it is certainly hard to admit that I was wrong; I have found great healing and peace in facing and accepting the truth. I believe one very important thing for anybody who's been in the Family or any other destructive cult to realize is that we've all in some way beenvictimized and that we were honestly trying to serve God and do what we thought was bestduring much of our time in the Family. Needless to say, we all have to deal honestly also withour own responsibility for the things we, personally did which we know were wrong andimmoral. In my case, I can thank God that I was fortunate enough to encounter some very finehuman beings who were very loving and accepting in their approach to my experience anddidn't condemn me or try to shove some other religious dogma or doctrine down my throat. If there's anything that someone coming out of a destructive cult needs it's compassion and

understanding; and I'm happy to say that I was fortunate enough to make these type of associations to which I credit my relatively rapid recovery.

I was also greatly helped by reading very many good books on topics such as human psychology, cults and spiritual abuse which helped me to "demythify" my cult experience andto look honestly and objectively at what had happened to me. Also, hearing the horror storiesof other ex-members greatly helped strengthen my convictions, particularly the stories of unspeakable terror and torture told by some of the children who'd been in the group such asMene (Merry Berg) who was actually at the folks' house and later at a teen detention centre inMacau . Her true stories and the accounts of other ex-Family teens, as well as my ownexperience, helped confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Family has turned into one of the most destructive of the cults.


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Certainly it was very hard for me initially to look at the Family as a destructive cult, since Ialways felt we were preaching Christ and, as such, did not rank in the same category withthose that I felt were actually cults such as the Hare Krishnas, the Moonies, etc. However, onething that really opened my eyes is when I started reading some accounts of ex-cult membersfrom such groups as the Moonies and found that the spiritual dynamics at work were virtuallyidentical to the things I had experienced in the Family. It was also interesting to read aboutother extremely severe authoritarian fundamentalist groups and to see that, again, across the

board, the experiences of those ex-members were virtually identical to what those of us in theFamily had experienced.

After coming to grips with all these issues and searching my heart regarding what I should do,I became convinced that I could not simply walk away from the situation and I felt constrainedto take some concrete action -- not only to try and rescue my own family from the group butalso to do everything I possibly can to expose and oppose the evil which the Family is

perpetrating in the name of God.

This decision led me to return to Japan in July where I actually was able to return to thecompound where I had been living and personally face down the leaders there and confrontthem with the truth of what had happened to me and so many others. Needless to say, thiscaused quite a stir and commotion there as I was also working with a major Japanese newsmagazine in order to expose the group as well as to bring many of their illegal activities to theattention of the authorities in that country.

Although I was not successful in getting my own family out of the group, I had determinedthat no matter what the outcome, I was not going to let the group intimidate me, as I have asense of responsibility that, extends beyond my own immediate family and I feel it veryimportant for me to take a definite stand and to do whatever I can to protect others from

joining the Family and to help others, especially the young people, to find a way out or thattrap.

I am presently working with the authorities in several key countries; and it is absolutelyamazing to see how God is bringing together so many people and situations to assist in theseefforts at this critical time. It has also been extraordinary to meet go many genuinelyconcerned and compassionate human beings around the world who are helping to oppose andexpose what the Family is doing, with no other motive than to help the young people who arevictims of a destructive religious system which they did not choose. I certainly have nointention of spending tine rest of my life fighting religious cults; but due to all that I haveheard and learned in the past several months, I don't feel that I can simply walk away from thesituation with a good conscience. I believe it is necessary and right for me to dedicate myenergy and time at this point in my life to assist this important work in any way I can.

On the bright side let me say that in spite of all the trauma and upheavals in my life, I have

experienced a wonderful recovery and I am actually having one of the most meaningful andfulfilling periods of my entire life. I don't think I have ever felt more aware and alive; and I amrevelling in my new-found freedom as well as having the experience of being able to literallyrediscover so much of life all over again. It's also been comforting and helpful to realize thatmy Family experience has helped to make me a unique individual and that I now possessstrengths and insights which are very special and valuable and which can be constructivelyapplied to my new life. This can be said of all of us who were in the Family, and it isextremely healing to look on our cult experience as an asset, as something that can actuallywork in our favor.

Since I was a leader at different stages of my Family experience, I want to take thisopportunity to sincerely ask the forgiveness of whomever I might have hurt or offended during

my time in the Family. I know that many times I was very immature, selfish and insensitive;and there is no question in my mind that there were many times when I did or said things


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which may have proved hurtful to others. If anyone reading this is among those I might havehurt, then I ask you to accept this sincere apology.

On this very important topic of recovery, it has come to my attention that some ex-membershave fallen into the trap of looking for another religious system to replace the one that theyleft. In my observation, this is one of the biggest mistakes that can be made. I believe one of the main keys to a full and healthy recovery is to rediscover the thrill of being an individualagain and becoming a whole and complete person. It's certainly scary to have to admit thatyour old "road map" is outdated and erroneous and to have to formulate an entirely new "map"for the rest of your life; but at the same time, if taken positively, this can be very thrilling andchallenging. Out in the "real" world, each of us has to take responsibility for our own destiniesand discover reality for ourselves. But, again, this can be an exciting and fulfilling prospect.Receiving professional counseling from a qualified psychologist can be a great shortcut andhas been a tremendous help to many of us. There are a couple of cult clinics across the countrythat have excellent psychologists on their staff who offer counseling at a very reduced rate .You'll be happy to know there are many excellent psychologists, both Christian and secular,around the country who are available to help.

Books can be an excellent source of comfort and guidance . The following are some that have been of help to me personally: The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck; Healing The ChildWithin by Charles Whitfield; Combatting Cult Mind Control by Steve Hassan; Holy Terror byFlo Conway and Jim Siegleman; Churches That Abuse by Ron Enroth (there's another excellent one on this topic called The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse); The Rape Of TheMind by Joost Am Meerloo; Thought Reform and the Psychology Of Totalism by RobertLifton; and I've also found the works of Abraham Maslow and Victor Frenkle to be verythought-provoking and helpful as well.

Whether you seek counseling and support in a Christian or more broad-based environment, myadvice is to seek out support systems that are very supportive and loving and allow a large

measure of freedom and open-mindedness with regards to doctrines and belief systems, etc.Entering into a good fitness program is a great idea; and the boon of added self-confidenceyou can gain from such a program greatly promotes clear thinking and is an added defensetowards succumbing to the temptations of alcoholism or drug abuse.

I sincerely wish you the very best ... and remember, today is the first day of the rest of our lives! May God bless and keep you! - Rick (Watchman).


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Watchmans story

Dearest Friends and Brethren,

Hi! My name is Rick Dupui, alias Watchman de la Mancha; and it is my great pleasure toinform you that I am now safely out of the Children of God group and have miraculouslysurvived the ordeal with my sanity more or less intact -- ha! I would like to affectionatelyaddress the following brief history to all you ex-members of the COG who I sincerely praywill find the following account interesting and helpful. I would also like to direct this to any of you "hangers-on" who find yourself in that very uncomfortable state of sitting on the fence innever-never land where you seem unable to reality make a break with the COG or the past and,as a result, are unable to successfully reintegrate into the real ala world or forge a new identityfor yourself.

It is my prayer that the following account may help in some small way to push you off the proverbial fence and to move you one step closer to full recovery, mental health and thewonderful experience of becoming a whole and integral person who is in full control of hisown life and destiny. Kicking the addiction of a controlling religion such as the COG can be adifficult and psychologically wrenching experience and I know all too well how devastatingthe destructive phobia indoctrinations about leaving the group can be and how debilitating andtormenting the resulting feelings of condemnation can be and the havoc they can wreak inone's life. However, I am also convinced that the joy that comes with fully regaining one's ownsense of freedom and true spirituality is well worth the effort and that there truly is "life after the Family".

I joined the Family in March of 1969 in Tucson, Arizona and was soon transferred toHuntington Beach to receive my initial indoctrination under "Dad's" direct teaching. At theyoung age of 17, I threw myself into the activities of the group with a great fervor anddevotion; and for much of my first few years in the group I experienced emotional andspiritual highs that were like nothing I've experienced since. I had a keen sense of mission as Iwatched our little group grow from a small nucleus into a worldwide movement that wasmaking history and the headlines and seemed to be having an impact on other contemporaryreligious movements and even on society at large.

I also found a tremendous sense of identity In the group as a "pioneer" and "trail blazer"; and Idelighted in the challenges and adventure of fighting irate enemies and "persecution" whileopening up new beachheads in major cities in the United States and, eventually, in Mexico,Central and South America. I was on-fire and gung-ho, and my own extraordinary personalexperiences had convinced me beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Family was God's elitemovement for this day and there was no-thing that anyone could possibly say or do to shakemy rock-solid commitment.

Since my coming out of the Family five short months ago and having had the opportunity tolisten extensively to the tales of other ex-members, I've come to see that while there aresimilarities in these experiences, there are also many distinct differences and that individualexperiences of joining and leaving the Family vary greatly from person to person. Thus, as I'vecome to see that my own experience was indeed unique and that one reason I lasted so long isthat as any role as a "pioneer", I was afforded the unique opportunity of a rare amount of freedom and liberty that kept me away from headquarters where most of the weird stuff wasusually happening and where people usually tended to get screwed up and hurt the most. Inaddition, my position as a leader and my involvement in numerous "special ministries" made

possible a very important element which is crucial to a person with my emotional and psychological make-up -- and that is the opportunity to express myself in creative andmeaningful way.


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The need for freedom and expression has always been very great in me and, as long as I wasable to carve out a niche for myself in the Family which allowed me these essential elements, Iwas able to continue functioning and) in many cases, even prospering. However; later when Iwas forced into the position of feeling the full brunt of the totalitarian and authoritarian sideof the Family in an atmosphere of overt control and manipulation, I eventually cracked -- andthis is what led, thankfully, to my recent exit from the group.

Anyway, after ten exciting years in the group, things began to unravel after the RNR in 1978,and the Family as I had known it basically fell apart. Things, of course, had already beengetting quite weird for a year or two before that; and this was slowly starting to erode thatrock-solid conviction and perfect image I had had of the Family. Over the years, of course, asthe Mo Letters had gotten increasingly bizarre, I had tended to "compartmentalize". In other words, I merely hung on to the basic conviction that my own personal experiences had clearly

borne out that the Family was God's will for my life so that I simply took a lot of theweirdness and swept it under the rug, so to speak, so that I would not have to continually dwellon these potentially debilitating inconsistencies.

It was in '78 that I watched the group disintegrate into a lot of aimless little bands of very lost people who were indulging in heavy alcohol abuse as well as totally promiscuous sexualactivities. I too drifted for a while, mooching off my in-laws as my own feeling of self-respect

began to completely erode and I began to be ashamed of what I had become. It was at this point that I made a decision to take control of my own life and that I needed to earn a livingand do something to support my wife and children whom I dearly loved.

One week of enthusiastic job hunting with a carefully crafted resume and a meticulouslyrehearsed interview style landed me an executive position with the sales and marketingdivision of the Holiday Inn Hotel Corporation. As I threw myself into that career with thesame fire and fervor that I had once reserved for "God's work", I came immediately to thenotice of my superiors and enjoyed a, what was by all accounts, meteoric rise within that

largest of hotel corporations. During this time, I had discarded completely the idea of ever returning to the Family. I merely looked on it as a closed chapter of the book of my life and

because my coining out had so little stress attached to it, I experienced almost none of the post-cult trauma more commonly associated with ex-cult members.

The hardest thing for me was living with two identities. In other words, since I was somewhatless than honest on my resume and was working in a very conservative corporate environmentin which image meant everything, I had to play this role and be this completely different

person during my work and related social activities. And the only place I could be myself andlet out my true feelings was in the arms of my wife, sweet Katrina, and in the company of myown family. My parents, thank God, were very supportive of me during this period; and my

bond with them grew very close during this time out of the Family. This split identity

syndrome began to eat away at me after a while because, in spite of the fact that I had a high- profile position that necessitated me being very active socially, most of my acquaintanceswere on a very superficial plane and I, of course, missed the camaraderie and in-depthfriendships that I had known in the group.

The lack of a spiritual alternative with which to replace the Family was also difficult for ussince we had been so indoctrinated against any churches and I didn't feel any inclination toreach out for this kind of fellowship or to find some alternate spiritual practice or belief.Besides, it seemed that making a living and raising a family took just about all the energy Ihad and there wasn't much time or strength left to contemplate spiritual matters or the deeper meaning of life. As time went on, the rough-and-tumble world of corporate politics began towear on me; and there were several Instances when I was obliged to ignore my conscience and

basic principles in order to protect my career in the company; and this proved disturbing anddisillusioning.


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When Faithy and Juan showed up in Mexico City in the summer of 1981, I was probably atmy most vulnerable stage. Even though I initially resisted their advances, they proved their skills in recruiting and I eventually succumbed to their persistence. There were a lot of dynamics at work in my decision to rejoin the Fancily at that point. I must honestly confessthat there was an element of escapism in that I wanted to be free from a lot of the pressuresand frustrations of the "rat race", and the simple life of faith and the great sense of communityvery much appealed to me at that moment.

The video tapes that Faithy and Juan showed us, with images of all of these people I hadknown and loved through time years serving God together with their children, living inharmony and love (or so it appeared in the videos -- ha!) had a very powerful effect on me andit reawakened a lot of the deep emotions that had been pretty much inactive since my leavingthe Family. Seeing all the little children on the video tapes "serving God" and doing their littlesinging numbers also made me feel I was denying my own children a great "heritage of faith"and I became convinced that rejoining the Family would be the most responsible thing to dofor their well-being as well. Thus, along with the escapism, there was a very real element of sincerity in wanting to serve God again.

So, the combination of all these things led us to the decision to forsake all once more andrejoin the Family. The fact that this totally severed relations with my parents and meant meturning down an incredible offer from Holiday Inns only tended to confirm even more howthis decision was "of God" and to bathe the whole thing in an aura of self-denial and religiousmartyrdom.

After a rather rocky start in Puerto Rico, I was asked to take over the MCV (Spanish MusicaCon Vida) project which was in its infancy stages at the time. For the two-and-a-half yearsthat I headed up the MCV offices I had an overall meaningful and exciting time together withthe sense of mission and a tangible project that I could sink my teeth into and feel inspiredabout.

During this period, "the folks" (Mo and Maria) were buttering me up quite a bit and wereapparently grooming me for a career in World Services as they were thrilled with the job wehad done with the MCV office and were hoping for greater things in the future. However, aseries of events at the end of my tenure proved that I still had this rebellious and independentstreak; and my reluctance to follow some mindless orders from "Dad" himself led to our dismissal from World Services in December of 1983. This was my entry into that fascinatingworld of political intrigue and power politics known as World Services.

We were then more or less "exiled" to Central America where, frankly, I was thrilled with our new-found freedom; and we were once again able to operate according to our own faith. I wascertain that I never wanted to go back into such a confining atmosphere as that of a World

Service unit. It was here that I also had my first involvement with professional video production and through this became convinced that the Family could greatly benefit by usingthis very powerful medium. I began pushing for this in my communications with "the folks" .

Almost from the start, I received quite a bit of opposition from them. Once I began working onthe End-Time video project, I received actual orders from the folks to cease these activities andI very politely declined to go along with this as I was already quite committed to the project,having received the help of various brethren to purchase equipment, etc. This independencegot my nowhere with the folks, needless to say; and by the time I finished and was able to sendout the project , I decided to give in and turn myself over to the local Family authorities whowere at that time Seek & Servant. Also, due to the inherent unhealthiness of the COG lifestyleand the power I had as a leader over other people's lives In Central America, I began to feel

genuinely guilty about some of the things I had done.


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This guilt was a powerful force in bringing about my decision to "give myself up". In a tightlycontrolled and totalitarian religious system such as the COG, the concept of God is so closelyintertwined with the system itself that it is virtually impossible to disassociate the two. In mymind, to yield to God was to yield to the Family; and the genuine guilt I was feeling about myabuses of power in Central America only tended to confirm that the leaders were really rightabout me, that I was desperately tripped off and needed to repent.

Upon my surrender, I was separated from my family and sent to Seek & servant's Home inMonterrey, Mexico where I endured seven weeks of "obedience and humility training" . In the

past several years, the Family has institutionalized this concept of "retraining centres" andvirtually every major field has Its own program of this type where errant teens and adults arcsent and subjected to intense emotional and psychological abuse in order to badger them into a

place of total submission. In my case, by tile end of six weeks , they finally extracted aconfession out of me in much the same way communist captors have done to their political

prisoners in recent history. There are hundreds and perhaps thousands of other cults whichemploy similar tactics; but from what I've seen and read I'd venture to say that the COG areamong the most brutal.

I, of course, ended up submitting totally and even sold all my audio-visual equipment and gavethe money to the work as a further indication of my total repentance and state of yieldedness.

Nonetheless, in the aftermath of all this, the hard reality began to sink In that r simply couldn't be a clone and that, again, being the kind of person that I am, I needed some kind of outlet for my creative energies in order to survive in the Family. I found myself in a terrible state. It wasat about this time that I realized that I really didn't wish to remain in the Family anymore. Onthe other hand, I was emotionally trapped since I was of course very attached to my dear wifeand precious children and since I didn't feel I had a viable spiritual alternative to offer themoutside the Family, I felt like I was caught between a rock and a hard place.

This conflict eventually plunged me into the depths of despair and a state of depression whichculminated in my return to my parents' house in early 1987 so that I would have time to assess

the situation and contemplate a response. It was there at my parents' that I once again becameenthused with the prospects of initiating an audio-visual ministry within the Family. Ireasoned that if I could get some equipment together and produce some videos of real meritthat the Family would at least tolerate this and I would thereby find a place of service withinthe Family that I could live with which would also allow me to stay with my family. My dear

parents very lovingly financed my purchase of several thousand dollars worth of video production equipment, and I returned with this to Mexico.

Shortly thereafter, I was invited to attend the South American Teen Training Camp in Peruand after some initial resistance was able to convince Juan to allow me to send for mycamcorder and began filming with the prospect of later putting together a series of videoscovering the highlights of this event. I returned to Mexico with several hours of footage and

was able to put together a series of videos which caused quite a sensation within the Familyand eventually earned me an invitation to Japan from the folks themselves to come and

produce videos .

Even though accepting this invitation entailed the "temporary" separation of myself and myfamily, Katrina and I both felt it was a real open door from the Lord and we, of course, feltcertain that if it did blossom into any kind of a major ministry that she and the children would

be brought over in the not too distant future. This assumption proved to be dead wrong. As Ilook back on it now, I have to honestly admit that they had every intention of separating mefrom Katrina and the rest of my family as they have done with so many other familiesthroughout the history of the group.

Once in Japan, I found myself in a completely foreign and totally controlled environment,effectively cut off from all emotional support systems. with all incoming and outgoing mall


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being strictly censored. About a month-and-a-half after my arrival, Mo, Maria, Peter andcompany showed up at the school in Japan and a couple days later I received a personal phonecall from Maria giving me counsel on a new PR video which she wanted me to produce for thework in Japan (interestingly enough, she mentioned she got the idea from watching the videothe Moonies produced for their recruitment purposes in Japan!). I was also dealing extensivelyduring this period with Peter Amsterdam (Maria's right-hand man) and also had contact withother members of the folks' personal staff.

It was during this period that I got to meet "Davidito" (Maria's son, then in his early teens) andsaw him as being a poor little abused introverted boy who seemed to be greatly disturbed andvery fearful. While at the school, Davidito briefly had the experience of getting out of whathad been a cloistered and basically controlled environment and being able to freely associatewith other young people his age there at the school. Unfortunately for him, he began to exhibitsome "independent" and "cool" tendencies; and he soon disappeared from the schoolaltogether. Sometime later, we received a Mo letter which explained his sudden absence. Itwas one of those horrible, vitriolic blasts in which Mo very harshly and cruelly took this poor young man apart while threatening him with the judgements of God and physical violence,etc.

Anyway, the situation continued with me at the school having to fight with Peter and the other leaders there in order to get the equipment I needed to begin production and constantly havingto do a "sales job" assuring them that their investment would be more than worth it once wewere able to produce some good videos of high enough quality for the General Public whichthe Family could market in various languages worldwide .

This was fulfilled in the production of the first "Kiddie Viddies". Within six months, thevideos had proved to be the Family's hottest outreach tool as well as the biggest source of financial income the Family had ever had (especially now that FF'ing was curtailed) .

To recount in detail the highlights of my four-year stay in Japan would take far more time and

space than we have available here. But I can sum it up by saying that it was an incredible taleof manipulation and cult mind control in its purest form. Due to my independent nature, I ranafoul of the Family authorities on many occasions and received some very severe discipline inthe way of demotions to "babe" status, worldwide rebukes in COG publications, severerestriction and two months spiritual terrorism as an inmate at one of the "victor programs"which was very similar in many ways to the time I had spent in Seek & Servant's retrainingcentre in Mexico. However, I must say they have refined their tactics with the net effect of

producing an even more oppressive and brutal system of thought reform. The mental, psychological and even physical abuse of young people I witnessed while at this location inYokohama was greater than anything I had observed several years before at Seek & Servant'sHome.

Also due to the fact that I am by nature a very emotional person who was devastated by myloss of Katrina and our children, I soon began reaching out for a meaningful relationship witha woman. In many ways it seemed for me, being able to maintain close and intimaterelationship with another human being was a way of staying in touch with reality in anotherwise very unreal situation, and it also helped me to maintain a measure of my humanityin an otherwise very inhuman situation. However, whenever I would get very close andintimate with someone, the relationship would be systematically and abruptly terminated as ameans of discipline and control. So I went through a series of four consecutive relationshipsduring my four years in Japan, each of which was terminated in this brutal and compassionlessmanner. Since two of these relationships initially involved children, the net effect of all thiswas to slowly transform me into the equivalent of emotional shredded wheat. It was the sourceof extreme psychological torment .


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The thing that made it doubly devastating was that I was taking all these things as comingstraight from the hand of God, and it finally got to the point where I simply could notunderstand how God could be so cruel or what exactly it was He was expecting of me. I had anumber of very sincere repentances" and tried desperately to play the martyr role. During themany periods in which I would totally subjugate myself to the group and their will, I would be

praised as a "great testimony" and people would marvel, "Wow, Watch is such a newcreature!" However, it was in such total violation of who I really was as a person and washaving to constantly suppress so many emotions and so much truth about the situation that Iwas becoming an emotional time bomb, like so many in today's Family -- both children andadults .

The thing that kept me going in this incredible time was the sense of responsibility I felt before God in regards to the video ministry. The videos seemed so wonderful and wholesome,and we would receive reams of glowing testimonies from around the world regarding all theglorious victories being won thru tine distribution of these videos. So it seemed like no pricewas too great to pay and that thru all this suffering I was merely being given the very high

privilege to suffer a form of martyrdom in order to help establish the Kingdom of God onearth. Whenever things would get really awful, I would always go back to that Mo Letter "Schtick" where Mo severely warned Simon Peter that if he left the MWM radio ministry thatGod would judge and probably kill him, etc. I felt that the video ministry was my call fromGod and that no matter how awful thing's got, I simply could not abandon it or let down theother people who were depending on my presence there.

However, at precisely the end of my four-year tenure in Japan, the situation had changedsomewhat, since I was finally able to completely train someone who could take over much of what I was doing. At this point, I merely requested a temporary leave of absence and asked if Icould go see my folks in Texas for a couple months, as I was feeling very stressed out due toall the emotional upheavals I'd been thru there in Japan and felt I needed a little bit of timeaway to rest and recuperate.

Far from receiving a reasonable response to this very legitimate request, this instead was thecatalyst for two months of a horror almost too incredible to describe. I was put under housearrest, and this is where I saw the Family's supposed love turn into the most intense hatred onecould possibly imagine. Thru sleep deprivation, exorcisms, hard labour and other incrediblyharsh methods of mental, psychological, emotional and even physical abuse; I was reduced

basically to mush and was hanging on to sanity by a thread.

I was eventually put on a flight out of Japan as a complete mental, physical and emotionalwreck. Although I was in such a bad state that I was suffering severe anxiety attacks duringthe flight home, I still tried to "witness" to others on the plane and at the airports , since I wasso fearful that God was going to strike me dead and I figured as long as I was witnessing Hemight not do it. My parents were absolutely shocked to see the horrible state I was in when I

arrived, as I looked very much like a P.O.W. camp survivor and I was not the same person theyhad known four years before,

One week after being back in the States, I realized that I needed professional help and wasable to get in touch with a very qualified psychologist who began to take a very specialinterest in helping me . This man began to give me many hours of free counseling time and,when he finally heard the full story of what had happened to me in Japan, he was incredulous.This very experienced professional told me that in all his years as a psychological counselor he had never come across a case of such brutal tactics and such cruel and inhuman mindcontrol and brainwashing. He told me it was his professional opinion that it was an absolutemiracle, clinically speaking, that I could be sitting before him as a sane individual recountingmy story to him, in light of all that had happened.


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The crux of the whole matter in my mind at the time was the issue of whether the Family wasreally right or not, and I desperately determined that I needed to come to an honest and un-

biased conclusion on this very important issue. Far from being an "enemy", I started outdefending the Family to everyone I spoke with; and it was only as I verbalized all the horror that had happened to me and saw the reaction of other compassionate and unbiased human

beings, that it began to dawn on me just how out of it the Family really is.

The last thing I wanted to do was cop out or get caught up in a "disgruntled former employee"syndrome in which I would attack the Family just because I had had a bad experience and wasun-able to make the grade myself. So much about the Family still, looked so good to me: Look at all these dedicated people serving God and all these children are so dedicated. How couldthey be, so wrong? I fought and defended and had given my life to this group for over twentyyears. How can I all of a sudden turn around and say it's all bad?

Well, the fact of the matter is that I can't say it's all bad because very few things in this life arethat simple. Most of life, in fact, consists of complex issues in which there are shades of greyand variable factors to consider. Sometimes it feels comfortable to try and concoct some tidylittle doctrine regarding our Family experience, but the truth is that each of us had verydifferent experiences in the Family, some good and some bad; so it is neither safe nor accurateto make blanket generalizations .

For instance, as stated earlier, I had come to see clearly that my status as a leader and pioneer who was on the outer fringes of the Family made my experience somewhat unique in that itkept me a bit out of the mainstream and helped protect me from the horrible experiences that

bad been happening to other people all along. It has shocked me to hear the stories of so manyex-members and to learn or the horrible atrocities which were committed throughout the entirehistory of the Family. Sometimes it's made me wonder, "Where was I?" It's not easy to admitthat something you've given most of your adult life to is basically wrong.

However, while it is certainly hard to admit that I was wrong; I have found great healing and

peace in facing and accepting the truth. I believe one very important thing for anybody who's been in the Family or any other destructive cult to realize is that we've all in some way beenvictimized and that we were honestly trying to serve God and do what we thought was bestduring much of our time in the Family. Needless to say, we all have to deal honestly also withour own responsibility for the things we, personally did which we know were wrong andimmoral. In my case, I can thank God that I was fortunate enough to encounter some very finehuman beings who were very loving and accepting in their approach to my experience anddidn't condemn me or try to shove some other religious dogma or doctrine down my throat. If there's anything that someone coming out of a destructive cult needs it's compassion andunderstanding; and I'm happy to say that I was fortunate enough to make these type of associations to which I credit my relatively rapid recovery.

I was also greatly helped by reading very many good books on topics such as human psychology, cults and spiritual abuse which helped me to "demythify" my cult experience andto look honestly and objectively at what had happened to me. Also, hearing the horror storiesof other ex-members greatly helped strengthen my convictions, particularly the stories of unspeakable terror and torture told by some of the children who'd been in the group such asMene (Merry Berg) who was actually at the folks' house and later at a teen detention centre inMacau . Her true stories and the accounts of other ex-Family teens, as well as my ownexperience, helped confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Family has turned into one of the most destructive of the cults.

Certainly it was very hard for me initially to look at the Family as a destructive cult, since Ialways felt we were preaching Christ and, as such, did not rank in the same category with

those that I felt were actually cults such as the Hare Krishnas, the Moonies, etc. However, onething that really opened my eyes is when I started reading some accounts of ex-cult members


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from such groups as the Moonies and found that the spiritual dynamics at work were virtuallyidentical to the things I had experienced in the Family. It was also interesting to read aboutother extremely severe authoritarian fundamentalist groups and to see that, again, across the

board, the experiences of those ex-members were virtually identical to what those of us in theFamily had experienced.

After coming to grips with all these issues and searching my heart regarding what I should do,I became convinced that I could not simply walk away from the situation and I felt constrainedto take some concrete action -- not only to try and rescue my own family from the group butalso to do everything I possibly can to expose and oppose the evil which the Family is

perpetrating in the name of God.

This decision led me to return to Japan in July where I actually was able to return to thecompound where I had been living and personally face down the leaders there and confrontthem with the truth of what had happened to me and so many others. Needless to say, thiscaused quite a stir and commotion there as I was also working with a major Japanese newsmagazine in order to expose the group as well as to bring many of their illegal activities to theattention of the authorities in that country.

Although I was not successful in getting my own family out of the group, I had determinedthat no matter what the outcome, I was not going to let the group intimidate me, as I have asense of responsibility that, extends beyond my own immediate family and I feel it veryimportant for me to take a definite stand and to do whatever I can to protect others from

joining the Family and to help others, especially the young people, to find a way out or thattrap.

I am presently working with the authorities in several key countries; and it is absolutelyamazing to see how God is bringing together so many people and situations to assist in theseefforts at this critical time. It has also been extraordinary to meet go many genuinelyconcerned and compassionate human beings around the world who are helping to oppose and

expose what the Family is doing, with no other motive than to help the young people who arevictims of a destructive religious system which they did not choose. I certainly have nointention of spending tine rest of my life fighting religious cults; but due to all that I haveheard and learned in the past several months, I don't feel that I can simply walk away from thesituation with a good conscience. I believe it is necessary and right for me to dedicate myenergy and time at this point in my life to assist this important work in any way I can.

On the bright side let me say that in spite of all the trauma and upheavals in my life, I haveexperienced a wonderful recovery and I am actually having one of the most meaningful andfulfilling periods of my entire life. I don't think I have ever felt more aware and alive; and I amrevelling in my new-found freedom as well as having the experience of being able to literallyrediscover so much of life all over again. It's also been comforting and helpful to realize that

my Family experience has helped to make me a unique individual and that I now possessstrengths and insights which are very special and valuable and which can be constructivelyapplied to my new life. This can be said of all of us who were in the Family, and it isextremely healing to look on our cult experience as an asset, as something that can actuallywork in our favor.

Since I was a leader at different stages of my Family experience, I want to take thisopportunity to sincerely ask the forgiveness of whomever I might have hurt or offended duringmy time in the Family. I know that many times I was very immature, selfish and insensitive;and there is no question in my mind that there were many times when I did or said thingswhich may have proved hurtful to others. If anyone reading this is among those I might havehurt, then I ask you to accept this sincere apology.


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On this very important topic of recovery, it has come to my attention that some ex-membershave fallen into the trap of looking for another religious system to replace the one that theyleft. In my observation, this is one of the biggest mistakes that can be made. I believe one of the main keys to a full and healthy recovery is to rediscover the thrill of being an individualagain and becoming a whole and complete person. It's certainly scary to have to admit thatyour old "road map" is outdated and erroneous and to have to formulate an entirely new "map"for the rest of your life; but at the same time, if taken positively, this can be very thrilling andchallenging. Out in the "real" world, each of us has to take responsibility for our own destiniesand discover reality for ourselves. But, again, this can be an exciting and fulfilling prospect.Receiving professional counseling from a qualified psychologist can be a great shortcut andhas been a tremendous help to many of us. There are a couple of cult clinics across the countrythat have excellent psychologists on their staff who offer counseling at a very reduced rate .You'll be happy to know there are many excellent psychologists, both Christian and secular,around the country who are available to help.

Books can be an excellent source of comfort and guidance . The following are some that have been of help to me personally: The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck; Healing The ChildWithin by Charles Whitfield; Combatting Cult Mind Control by Steve Hassan; Holy Terror byFlo Conway and Jim Siegleman; Churches That Abuse by Ron Enroth (there's another excellent one on this topic called The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse); The Rape Of TheMind by Joost Am Meerloo; Thought Reform and the Psychology Of Totalism by RobertLifton; and I've also found the works of Abraham Maslow and Victor Frenkle to be verythought-provoking and helpful as well.

Whether you seek counseling and support in a Christian or more broad-based environment, myadvice is to seek out support systems that are very supportive and loving and allow a largemeasure of freedom and open-mindedness with regards to doctrines and belief systems, etc.Entering into a good fitness program is a great idea; and the boon of added self-confidenceyou can gain from such a program greatly promotes clear thinking and is an added defense

towards succumbing to the temptations of alcoholism or drug abuse.

I sincerely wish you the very best ... and remember, today is the first day of the rest of our lives! May God bless and keep you! - Rick (Watchman).


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Merry's Story

David Berg's grand-daughter was born into the Children of God, suffered severeabuses as a young teenager, Today she is happy and healthy in her new life. What wasthe key to her miraculous recovery? Merry tells her story and her plans for the future:

From Merry ("Mene Mene"); California, USA:

My name is Merry Berg. I was born and raised in the Children of God until I leftalmost two years ago when I was 18. My mother and father were known as Aaron andShulamite in the group. Aaron (Paul Brandt Berg) was David Berg's son. Therefore,David Berg is my grandfather. When I was still just a baby, my father died. The mostcritical time in my life began when I was invited to come to my grandfather's house. Iwas 11 - 1 / 2 at the time. At first I was totally awed by him and greatly respected himas "the prophet of God for the Endtime"; and I loved him as "my dear Grandpa" .

However, as time went on, I became very disillusioned with him as I began to see whathe was really like, especially his uncontrolled drinking and alcoholism, and his

perverted sexual desires and practices. I also felt that he was very much a hypocrite,making rules for others that he did not keep himself.

For instance, there was a strict rule that members were allowed to drink only four ounces of wine each week, but my grandfather was always drinking sherry. I began towonder: Why does he drink to make himself happy? Why doesn't he rely on God? Isaw him as being a weak person. The leaders would explain, "Moses is an exception;he can do anything." But I wasn't satisfied with that. Also, my grandfather toldmembers in the COG that they must not become jealous of others, yet he was not only

jealous of his women but also of other believers.

In addition, of course, he gave many prophecies which never came true. This reallyconfused me and made me begin to wonder if God's Word was true, becauseGrandpa's word was classified on a level with God's Word.

This all began to really disturb me, so I decided to "confess" my doubts to the

leadership- By this time I was 14. At first they acted merciful and understandingtowards me and prompted me to confess more and more. But when I was not able toeradicate these thoughts from my mind, they began to use many different tactics on meto get me to "repent". These included public humiliations and spankings, and major exorcisms which scared me and caused me to become more irrational, making mattersworse.

When Grandpa found out, he gave me a verbal tongue lashing and made me really believe I was going the way of the Devil. He also gave the leadership license to beatme with a rod whenever needed, slap me around and tie me to the bed at night. I trieddesperately to change but could not because it would mean denying the truth of the

matter. I knew quite a bit of Bible, and different verses would bother me when I saw


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that what Grandpa did contradicted them. They finally told me that I was demon- possessed and had gone crazy.

Six weeks after the first tongue lashing, Grandpa gave me an even worse one. He said,"You little devil ... are you happy about all the trouble you've caused us? I wouldn't

doubt if you were possessed by Satan himself." Later these two lengthy rebukes were published for the whole Family. The first one was called, "The Last State", and thesecond was "It's Up To You".

He kicked me out of his house, said he disowned me as his granddaughter and sent meto Macau where my uncle Hosea was living. He warned me that if I didn't straightenup, they'd send me straight to a mental institution. I was given one week to change.Change was impossible, so during this time I simply kept my thoughts to myself.

In Macau I was put under various people's "care". They locked me in a room for aboutsix months. During this time I felt very hopeless and oppressed by bad spirits. I cried

out to God in all sincerity and desperation for His help and for Jesus Christ to trulysave me. No one was sure about my salvation. The thought of going to hell reallydistressed me. I felt like the worst sinner on the entire earth, although I had it turnedaround as to what my true sins really were. Looking back on it, I see that one sin I hadto repent of at the time was an interest in the occult and the works of darkness. I feltthat my grandfather is also very fascinated by these things; he has dabbled in a lot of it, and I seemed to pick up on this sin.

Feeling lost and alone, I had a major vacuum in my heart for God and longed to knowHim, to be assured that I was His child. After seeking God desperately during this

period of isolation, I began to feel a love so great from Jesus Christ --almost tangible --and a "joy unspeakable and full of glory" (described in 1 Peter 1:8), and tremendouscomfort (John 14:26). The demonic oppression began to fade. I was more in control of my thoughts, as well.

When I was finally allowed out of confinement, they began to bring other teenagers tothe same house with me that were also "having problems". Most of these teenagers hadquestioned or criticized the leadership so they were considered "rebellious, proud, self-righteous, having a critical spirit and in need of major deliverance".

Many of the same tactics began to be used on them as they used on me: Fear,

restrictions (i.e. absolute silence), severe paddlings, and solitary confinement for "serious cases". They added hard labor to the list. There were also long, exhaustingexorcisms over many of these kids.

We had to write reports every night confessing all our thoughts and telling on theothers, as well. We were in constant fear of leadership's reaction to these reports. Thishome was called "Delinquent Teen Home" or "Teen Detention Home" because wewere under "house arrest". The leadership decided that this was all very effective andhave since set up similar homes in other countries,, called "victor homes".

After three years in Macau, something just snapped. For 13 nights in a row I couldn't

sleep, I developed a high fever and couldn't get out of bed. They gave me some kind of


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drug that caused me to blank out. While sleeping, even though my mind was asleep,my body would be upright and continue talking.

They put me into that long talked about mental hospital where I was subjected tostrong drugs. After six weeks of treatment I finally came to my senses. From there the

COG decided to send me to my grandmother Jane Berg (Mother Eve) in the U.S.A.who was no longer living communally with the group. I was 18 when my Uncle Hoseaflew me there.

In the States, the doctor took me off the drugs suddenly which was very hard on me.Grandma helped me get better physically. I lived with her for nearly a year. Then Idecided I wanted to come to California to be with my aunt, Deborah Davis, and seemy cousins, which is where I've been living since then.

It's been a wonderful experience learning to live in the real world and see how normal people behave. I have been reading books, studying and going to adult educationclasses to learn word processing. I plan to go to college soon and major in French andRussian. I now can do so many, many things that I was restricted from doing in theCOG, such as simply riding a bike. I also have many new friends from church. We'vedone fun things together. It was quite a dramatic experience for me to meet for the firsttime in my Life two half-brothers and a half-sister that I never even knew I had!

Merry (right) enjoys a day out with a

friend, Petra Schieberl,Photo by Anneke Schieberl.

At present, I'm looking for my mother whom I haven't seen in 11 years when I wasseparated from her. About seven years ago I was strongly advised not to write to her any more because she was considered a "problem case". Since then, I haven't heardfrom her and I don't know where she is. Apparently, she has been only an associate or fringe member of the COG for the last several years.

If anyone has heard from her or knows where she might be, please let me know. Her maiden name was Judy Arlene Helmstetler. She my now have the last name Irwin. Iwould greatly appreciate any information.

ADVICE! ENCOURAGEMENT:

In conclusion, I have been greatly abused in many ways. Many times I was tempted toget bitter and blame God for it because I thought it was coming from His hand. Therewere times I also doubted His existence. But when it came down it it, in the times of deepest crisis I had no other refuge to flee to but Him. He was the One Who worked

things out. The scripture same alive to me at that time, "There is a friend who stickscloser than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24). So I prayed earnestly many times, "Lord, help


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me not to get bitter against You or harden my heart. Give me a solid, strong faith thatcannot be shaken no matter what."

I rejoice to tell you thatHe did just that. It is obvious that only His supernatural grace could have brought me

through these horrendous experiences and turning out "normal" and without beingsuper-cynical. My faith is stronger than ever, and no one can tell me that God isn't realand just and still working today. The sovereignty of God is displayed clearly in thesupernatural way in which He delivered me out of each bad situation. I now look towards the future with excitement and anticipation.

I have told many people that the following passage describes my testimony: "I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me upalso out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, andstablished

my goings. He hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: manyshall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord." (Psalm 40:1-3)

I want to encourage everyone to dedicate their lives fully to Jesus Christ and to always put their trust in God.

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The Family - Children of God

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