THE CHARLATAN TALESby

TimSimon

A rambling correspondence between two expatriate overgrown schoolboys, following the traditions of Milligan, Cook and

Lyttelton in a 21st century kind of way

After spending far too long pursuing our careers, each of us has ended up

in central Brittany, France. Tim (ex-teacher and wine merchant), working

on his clay sculptures and Simon (ex-MD of an advertising agency) sharing

his life with water-colourist Catriona, lecturing at business schools and

writing, so far not for profit. A shared instinct for the ridiculous inspired us

to begin this correspondence, which many friends have encouraged us to

publish.

INTRODUCTION

If you share our passion for the exploring the silly side of life, Python, Spike Milligan, Peter Cook and Humphrey Lyttelton, this could be for you. It all began after a mildly alcoholic lunch party with friends at Tim's home, when a message was sent to him by the Scientific Corroboration Advisory Ministry (SCAM), questioning Tim's "outrageous" claim to have spotted 50 species of bird in his garden.

Tim's response on behalf of the Society of Devotees of Feathered Friends (work it out yourself) launched a regular correspondence which has 'growed and growed'.

Here's your chance to meet Wing Commander Algernon 'Biggles' Buttocks Brown DSO, VC, ASBO and Bar (who may also be the legendary super-spy Q), his faithful PA Virginia 'Busty' Waters, the Reverend Gerry Gropem and the other residents of the village of Charlatan-cum-Quickly, as well as the late Sir Peter Scott, someone posing as Bill Oddie and someone else posing as Delia Smith. The ‘Pope’ also crops up from time to time. Not forgetting an army of commando moles.

It's all given two aging gents a lot of pleasure. Second childhood? Schoolboy humour? You name it. It's all here.

From SCAM

Dear Sir Your claims to have observed fifty species of birds within your garden at Motreff has been discussed, at a hastily convened meeting of the Scientific Corroboration Advisory Ministry (SCAM), and it is my responsibility to report their findings to you.    We regret to inform you that your claim has been rejected at this stage for the following reasons:

1. 50 is a suspiciously round number.   We note that no list of the said species has been received.

2. There is a lack of clarity of where precisely these birds were observed.   Were they sighted within the bounds of your garden, up to a mile above your garden, up to three miles away across the surrounding countryside and viewed through high-powered binoculars?

3. Can you supply photographic evidence, together with feathers and fully written up field notes? 

4. Did anyone else observe these birds at the time and, if so, are they prepared to attend a meeting of SCAM to support your claim?

5. Can you supply evidence that you were sober and of sound mind at the time of the sightings?

6. Would you be prepared to consider offering a financial inducement to members of the committee, if they were to approve your claim at the next submission?

The Committee wishes to assure you that their decision should not be seen as discouraging, or indeed, bizarre.   As you will observe from Point 6 above, a re-submission of your interesting claim would be more than welcome. Yours faithfully

Virginia ‘Busty’ Waters (Secretary)

Wing Commander Algernon ‘Biggles’ Buttocks Brown (Chairman)

Both self-appointed with unlimited powers

cc Sir Peter Scott (deceased)

Society Of Devotees of Feathered Friends The SecretaryScientific Corroboration Advisory Ministry

Our ref: FU2Your ref: UPYORS

Dear SirsWe, the staunch - and it has to be said: honest members of the SODOFF, were dumbfounded by your recent and we have to say singularly invidious email which was received recently by one of our most sober and sensible members, Mr Tim W-------- and with good reason, seen fit to bring your unwarranted comments to our attention and it is in this regard that we write to you now.

It is common knowledge among the ornithologists of Brittany, if not the world, that M****** environs are a bird-watcher’s paradise, it not being unusual for the likes of that well known TV personality and ornithologist Mr Bill Oddy to visit the area in order to avail himself of the wealth of sightings hereabouts. In deed, it was this august gentleman himself who, on his last visit chalked up an amazing 74 different species including a pair of the exceedingly rare lesser-spotted Scottish cuckoos. We did not of course question the veracity of his sightings nor indeed make the kind of outrageous and manifestly excessive demands made by the SCAM.

Mr W’s count of 50 different species is not at all suspect and the list with which he has provided us (copy enclosed herewith) is entirely feasible. That he saw said species from the windows overlooking his garden - and without the aid of any technical wizardry or performance enhancing drugs and liquids – also sits well with our knowledge of the area and the man himself.

And as to your attempt to solicit a bribe simply to uphold Mr W’s claim is disgusting in the extreme, if not to say illegal and we feel that under the circumcises we have no alternative but to forward your email to the local Gendarmerie…..most of whom are members of SODOFF.

Finally, as an aside, one of our members, a Miss Rose Lee, is intrigued to know how you managed to send a copy of your letter to the long since deceased Mr Peter Scott. A one-time partner in Mr Scott’s double act as an ostrich ……a party piece they both performed to amuse children at the Slimbridge Wildlife Sanctuary….. she would like his address in order to return the ostrich costume she still has in her possession.

Yours sincerely

Robin CrowTwitcher in ChiefSODOFF

Encl/….Birds of M******

1) long-tail tit mesange a la queue longue2) blue tit mesange bleu3) great tit mesange grande4) robin rouge gorge5) chaffinch pinson6) greenfinch verdier7) goldfinch chardonneret8) wren roitelet9) redwing grive – turdus iliacus10) thrush - song grive11) blackbird merle12) gold-crest roitelet huppe13) jay geai14) rook freux15) crow corneille16) magpie pie17) greater spotted woodpecker pic18) house sparrow moineau19) dunnock accenteur des haies20) pied wagtail bergonette grise21) starling etourneau sansonnet22) buzzard busard23) wood pigeon pigeon ramier24) swallow hirondelle25) house martin hirondelle de fenetre26) cuckoo (heard only) coucou27) thrush - mistle grive28) kestrel crecerelle29) hen harrier busard St Martin30) gull –greater black-backed mouette31) swift … 19th April martinet32) hobby fouron hobereau33) willow-chiff*34) linnet linotte35) heron heron36) yellow hammer bruant jaune37) green woodpecker pic verte38) sparrow hawk epervier39) brambling pinson du nord40) snipe becassine41) lapwing vanneau42) herring gull43) collared dove tourtelle turque 44) siskin cardeulis spinus45) tawny owl (heard only) chouette hulotte46) peregrine falcon pelerin47) coal tit mesange noir48) black cap fauvette a tete noir49) mallard50) short-eared owl* willow-chiff is the rubric for the uncertain sighting of a willow warbler or chiff-chaff, they being virtually indistinguishable. Mr W strongly believes it was a chiff-chaff that searched for insects in the cracks and crevices of his shutters but the members of SODOFF stipulate the use of willow-chiff on such occasions, unless of course the song of the bird confirms one or the other.

Your ref: UPYORSSODOFF

6th February 2009

Dear Mr Crowheater

Your recent letter, addressed to our sister agency SCAM, has been passed to me for legal advice. This is usually a preliminary to a full hearing at the European Court of International Pugilism (sometimes referred to in Yorkshire as “Ecithump”).

At first reading, your case appears strong, but on closer examination I have detected a number of serious flaws. Firstly you claim that a Mr “Bill Oddy” has verified the number of species that you claim to have observed in your garden. However, this is clearly fraudulent, as evidenced by the fact that the really august Mr Oddie spells his name with an ‘ie’. We wonder who this other Mr Oddy can be. Cases have come to our attention recently of several phantom Oddys roaming the Breton countryside speaking with a high-pitched voice and flapping rather extravagantly.

As to this person’s claim to have sighted a ‘lesser spotted Scottish cuckoo’, if you refer to your copy of Ian Allen’s Bird-Spotting for Nutters volume XXII, you will see that this species was eliminated by a flock of Dodoes in 1847 and replaced by the greater-crested curling curlew. Unlike its near relative, the short-eared hurling hoopoe, this magnificent creature confines its flight-path to Heathrow and Stansted on Monday afternoons, unless its flight is disrupted by snow and ice.

I now refer to your spurious claim that members of SCAM attempted to bribe you. I should point out that, in order to be considered for appointment to the Board of SCAM, candidates have to prove that they are above the law, in that they must hold a current pilot’s licence. In exceptional circumstances, we have accepted people like Simon L who, with his undoubted prowess in the ancient art of pheasant plucking and capercaillie coaching, has proved invaluable in matters relating to the interpretation of the LBW law. We regret to inform you that the penalty under European Law for impersonating a cuckoo is death by firing (and glazing) squad unless you compensate us and SCAM with a case of 1937 Glen McSporran single malt in the next seven days.

Yours sincerely

Wing-Commander Algernon (Biggles) Buttocks-Brown DSO VC ASBO and Bar Address for correspondence: The Hide, Little Twittering, Beakie-on-Grouse, Devon

Society Of Devotees of Feathered Friends 8 February 2009

FAO: Wing-Co A Buttocks-Brown DSO; VC; ASBO and BARBOGOFF

Dear Wing Commander

It would appear from your communiqué of the 6th instant that you have failed to comprehend the nature of our complaint (apart from the fact that you have confused a certain Mr Bill Oddie – whoever he is - with my mother’s uncle’s cousin twice removed: William Oddy-Wigglington-Smythe – known affectionately throughout bird watching circles as ‘Woggie’) and have once again threatened us with legal action.

Woggie, whose deep and sonorous voice has been heard frequently on such BBC programs as ‘An Albatross for Arthur’, ‘ An Ostrich too Far’ and ‘Woggie’s Wonderful World of Wicked Women’ , has assured us that he did indeed espy a pair of lesser spotted Scottish cuckoos and wishes to draw your attention to clause 12 section, 2B, para. III of the European Directive on Dodo Infestation which same stipulates, categorically, that positively NO dodos were ever recorded in or around the bourg of Motreff and that this particular area was declared dodo-free in 1854 by the eminent and respected philanthropist the Marquis de Sade’s nephew Fred. That said, it is not, therefore, inconceivable that lesser-spotted Scottish cuckoos were successful in maintaining a claw-hold in the area and survived.

And as far as your threat to bamboozle us with the LBW law, be aware that in the fertile ground that is the Off-Side Rule, we have as a spiritual member of SODOFF a certain Sir Stanley Mathews whom we understand from our Ms Rose Lee will be only too pleased to return from his place on the right-wing of God’s First Eleven to enter the fray and do battle with your Mr Lawder – whoever he is.

In any event, however, I have been advised by our legal department that if we are to avoid a visit from your Glazing Squad, it will be better if we pay up, although the quantity of Glen McSporran you seem to expect is considered to be manifestly excessive. So, it is with the deepest and most profound regret, therefore, that I have found myself writing out a cheque in order to defuse this increasingly onerous situation and trust that this will now draw a line under the whole sordid affair. (Please be advised however that the cheque has been post-dated to ensure enough funds will be available to meet its presentation).

Yours faithfully

Robin CrowTwitcher- extraordinaire

The European Advisory Council on Mole Infestation The Great Big Funny-Shaped Glass Building - Central Brussels - Belgium

Ref: MolesRUS

Wing Commander Buttocks-Brown OBE., VC., ASBO and BAR

Dear Wing Commander

Re: European Directive 3: Mole Infestation and CITES

It has come to our attention that you have recently taken it upon yourself to attempt the eradication of the endangered Breton Mole (molicus infernicus Bretanicus) which you claim is currently infesting the premises at Trefflay, citing the appearance of a manifestly excessive number of mole hills as evidence of such an infestation.

In this regard we would like to draw your attention to both the European Directive 3: Mole Infestation, and to CITES, both of which state that: a) evidence of mole infestation must firstly be proven beyond any doubt (photographic evidence of spurious mounds of soil is not sufficient!) b) any person or persons desirous of culling any endangered species must firstly apply for and obtain the necessary licence (enclosed herewith) c) any person or persons, or traps and equipment employed in a cull of molicus infernicus Bretanicus must be authorised by the Department and recognised as being of the right size, colour, calibre and quality (unemployed midget Chinese mole catchers are particularly barred under this ruling, as are pink plastic traps from Taiwan) d) a ‘capture fee’ of 100 euros per anticipated mole caught is to be paid to our agent in the area whose name and address will be found on the licence application e) all moles caught must be verified as dead by a qualified Veterinary surgeon whose surname begins with a M (or, under extenuating circumstances: T) f) no pregnant moles, whether male or female, should form part of the cull. g) contravention of any of the foregoing may be punishable by a fine of up to, but not exceeding three weeks in the company of one William Oddie esquire. In assuming you still wish to continue with the cull, we have included a licence application form which you should complete and return to us at least two years before the intended cull.

Yours sincerely

Roger de la Wart

Licence ApplicationIntention to Cull:Moles: Breton (Molicus Infernicus Bretanicus)

Name: …………………………………………………………………….Address: ………………………………………………………………….Age (if known) …………. Marital status (if known) ……………………..Colour of eyes: ……………Quantity of remaining hair: (in kilos) …………

Place of intended cull if different from the above address:……………………………………………………………………………..Size of the area considered to be infested: (in square inches) ………………Length of grass (in cms) ………………….Number and height of any trees within 3 miles of the intended cull: ……………………………………………………………………………Height above sea level of the highest mole hill: ……………………….Weight of soil taken from the largest mole hill (in ounces) …………….

Name and address of person or persons intending to perform said cull:……………………………………………………………………………..………………………………………………………………………………Their CITES registration number: ……………………………………….

Colour of Wellington boots expected to be worn during the cull:……………Colours of traps or special equipment to be used: …………………………..(NB: molicus infernicus Bretanicus is averse to bright colours especially pink)

Name and address of qualified Veterinary surgeon:……………………………………………………………………………..

Name and address of Funeral Directors in charge of cremation or burial: …………………………………………………………………………….

(Please note also that photographic evidence of any attractive young ladies living in the area will also be required.)

Please forward a cheque in the sum of 100 euros per anticipated mole culled (minimum 300 euros) to our area representative: Lady Sarah de Braisemoles, 10 Place du M, 22*** St C….who will issue a receipt upon request.

Signed …………………………………………………………………Date: ……………………………..

Breton Underground MovementAddress: Somewhere in France Date: Today

Our ref BumsRUSYour ref: MolesRUS

For the attention of Roger de la WartThe European Advisory Council on Mole InfestationBrussels

TOP SECRET – You are well advised not to look too closely into BUM. This letter must be eaten after reading, preferably baked in a hot oven, marinated in Thai green curry paste and groundnut oil, with a dash of Worcestershire sauce. (Emergency Regulation 45678 issued 6 June 1066)

Sir We refer to your unsolicited hate mail (undated) addressed to Wing-Commander ‘Biggles’ Buttocks Brown.

I must warn you against any further investigation into the activity in the garden at 3 T****, Saint S. You are potentially jeopardising the security of a highly sensitive operation of the Breton Underground Movement (BUM). This file is officially classified as Awesomely Confidential, meaning that the full details are restricted to three people: Wingco Biggles, the late Peter Scott and the even later Old Man of Hoy.

While you will understand that we are unable to divulge much information to you, we have obtained permission in exceptional circumstances to give you a few details:

The eradication to which you refer was exclusively confined to the molicus enormicus polski (MEP), commonly known as the economic migrant Polish mole who missed the turning on the way to the UK and ended up offering high quality low-cost earth-moving services in Brittany. This species normally restricts its activities to the area around Strasbourg and Brussels where it has, over the years, proved to be a thorough nuisance and pest.

Their arrival placed the native molicus infernicus Bretanicus at a competitive disadvantage, particularly after the rise in the value of the Euro against the Polo. The ‘Powers That Be’ (whose names are confidential but which all end with Q) were moved to summon a hastily convened meeting.

They ordered an immediate mobilisation of the forces of BUM, which had lain dormant since The Battle of Jenkins’ Ear. During this encounter, you may recall that a Mr Jenkins of Surbiton had the misfortune to lose his ear whilst defending his garden gnomes from an attack by Breton Korrigans, one of whom was named Maurice (known as the Mole-catcher).

Heavily disguised and armed only with teaspoons and cucumber sandwiches, the BUM advanced guard flew into the garden of No. 3 Trefflay and immediately set about locating the HQ of molicus enormicus polski. Whilst engaged in these highly dangerous and secretive manoeuvres, BUM received coded (Breton) Morse messages from the last few remaining Breton moles who were hiding out in the medieval tunnel nearby. Over the

years this tunnel had become known as one of their most ambitious civil engineering projects. Started in 980AD by the legendary mole, Blind Willy, the design and construction is so ingenious that it is commonly believed to terminate at, and to have been the inspiration of, Ayers Rock, Silbury Hill and the Victoria line.

Whilst we understand your concern that we appeared to be acting in contravention of the European Directive, you will surely appreciate we were faced with a case of ‘force majeure’ of international importance.

Under no circumstances must you divulge any of the above, in particular, the fact that the BUM commandoes were led by Cdr. Virginia (Busty) Waters and Brig. Rupert (Digger) Burrows.

As to the completion of your Licence Application, we unfortunately must decline as this might trigger a world-wide banking crisis if it were to come into the public domain, in particular if it were to be leaked by a mole.

I remain, Sir, your obedient servant.

Q

cc. M, N, O and P Lady Sarah de Braisemoles

A.R.S.I. The Asylum on the Hill

Q Somewhere in France Date: Yes, if you have the time, duckie

Dear QYour name (I do hope I have spelled it correctly) has been put forward by Mr Roger de la Wart with whom we believe you have had some recent contact. As a member himself, Mr Wart heartily recommends that we offer you a year’s complimentary membership to ARSI, the Association of Really Silly Individuals.

Mr Wart believes that the dealings he has had with you show that you have all the necessary qualities we consider important in maintaining our well-known and highly regarded standards of silliness.

Normally, membership comes at what some have said is a manifestly excessive membership fee of 2.50 euros per annum. However, they have not taken into consideration all the benefits of membership, which, quite naturally, you may be wondering about yourself.

Membership of ARSI entitles you to the following truly unique benefits: Freedom from arrest for doing silly things in Tierra del Fuego and /or South

Georgia, (seasonal only and provided you are still naked when arrested); and during the last 20 kilometres of any Trans Siberian Express trip

Free and amazingly silly advice on how to avoid arrest anywhere else Made-to-measure false breasts to be worn during certain Breton Pardons Free access to our huge and varied selection of inflatable devices (batteries not

included) All-expenses-paid trips to political rallies held by Robert Mugabe in the UK A years supply of rotten eggs (useful for the above) A free (but somewhat stained) copy of the world-famous Stanley Unwin

Dictionobe Free access to our huge library of silly books, titles of which include: Bill Oddie’s

‘Warty Women of the World’, Sir Peter Scott’s ‘An Ostrich in the Bush is Better Than One Up Your ****’ and Brig. Rupert Burrows “The Moles of El Alamein and other lusty stories”.

And of course not forgetting our annual award ceremony, where the members vote for whom they believe has been the silliest person of the year. (Previous winners having included: Fred Jenkins of Surbiton, a certain older gentleman from Hoy, but perhaps the most famous of all: President George W Bush.)

These are just some of the benefits to membership of ARSI which we are convinced you will find most useful in performing your daily silliness. We have taken the liberty of enclosing your membership card as we are confident that you will welcome this once in lifetime opportunity to become one of the worlds SILLIEST BUGGERS!

Gratifyingly Yours Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

Q Associates inc. Q Gardens, Q Jumping & Q Mulus and Q Rious

Dated, well rather old-fashioned Address: It’s behind you!

Rudolph the RedARSIThe Asylum on the Hill

Your Worship (I presume you must in truth be the Lord Chief Justice)

I thank you for according me the unexpected, and I fear undeserved, honour of an invitation to join your association. I have checked with your nursing staff, who have confirmed that you still have occasional flashes of lucidity, indeed that you can sometimes be seen around town dressed in normal ladies’ underwear after removing one of your dirty habits on sunny days. This is most encouraging news, which has been welcomed heartily by your old friends in the Tristan de Cunha People’s Liberation Army.

Until now, membership of ARSI has just been the impossible dream for me, a glimmer in the starlit sky, an elusive bogey in the nostril of eternity, … Now you have made that dream come true and I can truly utter those immortal words “Enter ARSI and die”.

I look forward eagerly to benefiting from the range of exclusive ARSI offers, which are so tempting. You don’t happen to have a copy of “Fly-unzipping” by J R Fartley, by any chance? I have contacted every asylum in Yellow Pages and les Pages Jaunes but without success. If you ask nicely and send me a box of Sherbet Dips, I might be able to let you borrow my first edition Hank Marvin’s “Plucking Cliff Richard for Idiots” or indeed Mick O’Grady’s classic guide to Gaelic “Polish up your Erse”.

Anyway, enough of this nonsense. I must away to see my daughter playing in the Cadbury’s Fruit & Nut Snooker Championship. Her name, of course, is Miss Q.

Happy snorkelling nd please give my best wishes to Matron.

Qcc The Empress Sarah the Great, the Queen of Sheba, Ste anne de Bretagne, King Kong

A.R.S.I.The Asylum on the Hill

Date/Prune/Sultana: They’re all the same to me

Q AssociatesSomewhere in France

Dear Q

We were delighted to receive your letter accepting the offer of membership to our very select club: the members of our Inner Circle of Twerps are looking forward to watching a repeat of some of your silliest moments (we have most of them on DVD) as a reminder of the skills they can but surely only aspire to.

Your mention of the Tristan de Cunha People’s Liberation Army, by the way, triggered a response with our nurse, Rose Lee who prior to being a partner in an ostrich double act with our secretary Sir Peter Scott, used to spend time climbing Tristan’s volcano dressed in the skimpiest of leotards until the day some acutely hot lava found its way where it shouldn’t and caused serious singeing. She came all over wobbly at the mere mention of the name Tristan de Cunha and could only be revived by viewing slides of the World’s Hairiest Man.

And now for some good news: your name was put forward for this years Silly Awards and we are delighted to say was chosen as the Best of Year. Normally there are a number of categories at this renowned event however, the celebrity we had booked to draw the names, Cuthbert Jenkins-Hoy, collapsed and died on stage before any further names could be drawn. Consequently, yours will be the only certificate issued for the current year. Indeed and honour, wouldn’t you say?

Your request for a copy of J R Partly’s ‘Fly Buttons’ has also met with success and is enclosed herewith for your all round enjoyment (although we believe you have confused the name: J R Partly, together with Burke and Hare, was instrumental in organising the acquisition of body parts for medical purposes during the 19th century. It was his brother, Jeremy Reginald Partly who added his mother’s maiden name: Fastened, in a vain attempt to disassociate himself from his wayward kin, who wrote the world famous guide on how to do up fly buttons. )

As to your kind offer of Hank Marvin’s ‘Plucking Cliff Richard for Idiots’ and Mick O’Grady’s seminal work on the Gaelic language, we regret that all the Sherbert Dips have been woofed by Matron. Apparently she delights in snorting the stuff through a straw; says it reminds her of nights in the nurses’ dormitory at Buckingham Palace.

And can we take this opportunity to wish your daughter, Miss Q all the best of luck at the Women’s Snooker Championships. Our Miss Ogenist, you may recall, won it last year and says she shouldn’t forget to ‘chalk her tips’ before each stroke!

Kindest regards

Rudie

YEAR 2009

The ARSI Annual AwardFor

EXCELLENCEIn the category of Extreme Silliness

Voted by millions as The Best of 2009

Qaka Wing Commander ‘Biggles’ Buttocks-Brown

has been awarded this certificate in recognitionof his outstanding silliness in 2009

___________________ _________________ (President) (Secretary)

_______________________________________________ (Reindeer -in - charge)

Q Associates inc. Q Gardens, Q Jumping & Q Mulus and Q Balls

Address: well, more of a frock, really Date & Walnut loaf

RudieARSIFantasy Island

Deer Rudolph RN

Application for Sponsorship

Your last letter was received, nibbled and inwardly digested. To receive the association’s Excellence award is a humbling, not to say humiliating, experience. The Wing Commander (or Q as he is known in crop circles) was particularly thrilled with the rare copy of “Fly Buttons”. Since receiving the book, however, he has taken to locking himself in the garden shed for several hours every morning, drawing the curtains and grunting loudly. His new hobby means that he is too busy to deal with his correspondence, so he has asked me to approach your revered organisation for support. What he actually said was “Sit on my knee and take this down, Miss Waters; now up, now down again”.

You will recall our recent telephone conversation during which the Brig told you, in strictest confidence, that BUM the Breton Underground Movement is facing a financial crisis. The collapse in the value of shares in EuroTunnel (Trefflay) plc, following the collapse of the tunnel itself, combined with an unfortunate investment in the late unlamented Brown Darling Investment Bank means we are a tad short of cash, which compromises our strategic plan for world domination.

As he has often done before, but sadly not always in private, the WingCo had a sudden flash – a fund-raising idea that beggars belief: The BUM Cookbook. Pretty good, what? First estimates from our publishers, Stanley Accrington Missiles and Blunt Instruments Ltd, suggest that 500 copies could be produced for as little as 100 zillion Zimbabwe dollars (about £17.50 at today’s rate and falling).

We are sure that the management board of ARSI will look favourably, if not condescendingly, on making a huge contribution to our project. In return BUM would be happy to commit itself to a long-term relationship with ARSI and we promise not to tell your Mum.

We attach a preliminary list of contents, together with HRH Prince Chuck’s forward. We look forward to hearing from you in the usual way. But could you breathe a little more heavily next time, please? It’s so naughty, but I like it!

Yours unprofessionally

pp Q Virginia ‘Busty’ Waters (Cdr.) Virgin for short but not for long.

PS We trust that your official visit to Spain was a triumph and that you managed to contact your sister organisation, ARS-Olé.

THE REALLY BUM COOKBOOK

Basse cuisine for the mildly dérangés

Forward by HRH the Prince of Wales

Published exclusively by B U MBreton Underground Movement

THE REALLY BUM COOKBOOKBasse cuisine for the mildly dérangé

ContentsForward: His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales

Celebrity chef article: Mole-cular fusion cooking by Heston Blumenthal

Guaca-mole

Highgrove Mole marinière

Singapore Poodle

Mole in the hole

Cat-atouille

Taupe Wellington

Sausage moles

Mouseroom omelette

Sous-terrine of moleskin underwear JCB-style

Omelette Arnold Ferret

Blanquette de vole

Lamb Catterole

Soused lemmings

Hali-bat with egg fried lice

Boeuf bat-ignon

Mouse-aka

Magpie-ella

Elderflower and moleberry cordial

Mouse au chocolat

‘Digger’s Delight’: A warm lightly whipped tart of Olives in Ecstasy

Highgrove, Wiltshire

I can hardly contain myself. Since being asked to write an introductory piece for this book, Camilla has had to tighten the buckles on my straitjacket even further (cheeky girl!). As a long-time admirer of the legendary Wing Commander , whose silly exploits have done so much to put Britain in its rightful place on the bottom rung of almost every ladder, I have looked on with alarm as his BUM has slipped into the financial mire.

I have fed several of these recipes to my staff in recent days and I am pleased to report that most of them should be released from Intensive Care within a week. I can particularly recommend the lightly whipped warm tart, but I would caution readers to send Matron on a shopping expedition to Peru first.

I do hope that you will be tempted by my own recipe for Highgrove Mole Marinière. I personally found it delicious, although I appear to have lost all feeling in my right buttock. I would be happy to supply one of our best Highgrove organic moles by post to those who would like to try it. In these hard times, even we royals can run a bit short of cash, you know.

I am happy to endorse my friend Biggles’ efforts to put BUM back on its feet.

Delia Smythe PlcQuiche House - Flaky Pastry Lane - Bun-in-the-Oven.- Cornwall

Ms V ‘Busty’ WatersQ AssociatesWell more of a frock, reallyPlanet Earth

Dearest BustyMy publishers Stanley Accrington Missiles & Sharp Instruments PLC – the parent company of your own publishers Stanley Accrington Missiles & Blunt Instruments Ltd – have contacted me with news of your forthcoming cookery book ‘The Really BUM Cookbook” and have, I am delighted to say, sent me a copy of your synopsis.

I perused the proposed contents of said book with a feeling that can perhaps only be described as ‘saucy’ and which set many of my internal juices flowing copiously; so much so, in fact, that it was fortunate that my dear husband Bill happened to notice the wet patch just seconds before my TV appearance on Cilla Black’s ‘Blind Date and Walnut Slice Show’. (As you can imagine being caught sporting a wet patch on such an illustrious show could have presaged the end of my career).

As an erstwhile friend of the WingCo (we used to cook up some wonderfully tasty dishes in that old shed of his before his sixth wife Mildred caught us in the act of making a fruity passion cake) I was sorry to hear of the fretful situation his BUM is in – I have always admired the Movement and it’s cheeky ways having spent many a happy hour in it’s company. So it is with great pleasure that I find it in my power to be of assistance in his time of need. Consequently, I have contacted Rudie RN at ARSI, whom I believe you may know, and have asked him to arrange with Señora de Braise Molé of their Spanish Branch to forward a container of Seville oranges to the WingCo. As you are obviously aware the Brigadier’s marmalade sandwiches are a delight and I am sure he will avail himself of this golden opportunity to generate some income by selling his home-made marmalade at the forthcoming and world famous Motreff car boot sale (dates and times to be advised).

In the meantime, I am happy to enclose a donation which I trust will go a long way to ensuring publication of the cookery book. (Sadly I am not in a position to be able to send Zimbabwe dollars, pounds sterling only being at my disposal, but I believe the £100,000 note enclosed will realise 100 zillion Zimbabwe dollars at the current rate of exchange).

All the best and good luck with the book.Tastefully yours

PS: Perhaps you could get the WingCo’s to add his wonderful recipe for Carcinoma of Cornflakes; served with the dried milk of a pregnant mole it is a dish that will render any unwanted dinner party guest severely comatose for up to, but not exceeding 6 hours.

Strictly Private and Confidential

From the private desk (in the potting shed, behind the stonkerus erectus) of Wing Commander ‘Biggles’ Buttocks (unhyphenated) Brown

The Very Blessed St DeliaDelia Smythe Plc

My dear old chap

How simply wonderful to hear from you after all this time. My deepest apologies for the delayed response but I have been ‘hors de combat’ for a week or so. Another attack of the old trouble, don’t you know. Yes, you are perfectly right: if I hadn’t accepted the seventeenth pink gin that fateful evening, I wouldn’t have mistaken Lady Olga Percussion-Cappe’s knee for a cocker spaniel ….. and the rest is history.

Anyway, enough about me, how the devil are you, old stick? Still making the Bishop’s soufflés rise to great heights, I’ll wager. Your letter brought so many memories flooding back. Looking around the old shed as I write, I can still spot the cluster of holes in the wall where our first attempt at a revolutionary Bombe Surprise ejaculated prematurely. Ah! Happy times, until Mildred came home early from her Sherman tank maintenance class.

Thankyou so much for arranging for the Seville oranges shipment. Fancy your remembering the distinctive flavour of my marmalade after I had smeared it all over your …. Ahem. Now, where was I? Oh, yes – and especial thanks for the donation of £100,000 towards my publishing costs. I rushed out and spent it quickly, before the value of the pound sterling falls any closer to the Zimbabwe dollar.

Must dash. Domesticity calls. The moles had a crack at their latest recipe – Raisin d’être – last month but thankfully the painters and decorators should have the job finished by the weekend.

Do call in if you are passing. I am usually free on Wednesday afternoons, when Busty is in town giving relief massage therapy to a group of High Court judges.

I think it would be a good idea if we kept this correspondence just between the two of us. “Walls have ears. Careless talk costs wives.” (Chortle, chortle)

Yours leeringly

PS Carcinoma of Cornflakes is now in the book, together with Crispy Fried Cod Pieces.

Manuel Lopez Cohende las Grandos Gonados

32 Muchos Dinero – Testiculos de Torro - Seville

Señora Busty Aqua Datos Tomatos y PatatosQ AssociatesFrancia

Hola Señora Aqua vid de grandos boobinos

Ve hava todaya senta you una grandos biggos contanario of ze oranjeths Sevilliano por to maka de marmeldos famasio de le Brigadeerios ofa ze BUM.

Ze shipamento isa going to arriba arriba on ze ‘Good Ship Venus’ at ze porto ofa ze nice-bigga-Brest mañana, or maybe mañana mañana. Zer vill be no muchos dinero por paya cosa Señora Smythe de cooking televisonas celebrititty, who haza de nice bigga brestas also, haza paid alla ze costas del sol y de costa blanca upa to ze porto ofa de Brest-grandos-y-firmos. You vill aff to contactos ze officialis at ze port ofa Brest-soft-y-tenderoso por arrangeras ze transfer ofa ze contanario to yor addresssas in Francia, y por zat zer vill be una pocko chargio ofa 300,000,000,000,000,000,000 Zimbabwe dollario vitch you musta paya to our agentario, Señor Capone, who vill call mañana at yor owse for ze money vitch musta be ina ze unmarked bag y in ze single dollar billas. (Señor Capone isa de hombre mucho violenti an villa smasha yor face if no dinero in ze unmarked bag.!)

O, bye bye ze way, ze oranjeths, zay do not lika too muchos ze contanarios – it isa two ott in zer four zem and zay vill quivkly go away iffa you do notta collect zem pretty dam quivk!

Ope you ava nice-a day.

Manuel

PS Pleese to send me a nice-a photo of your busty por favour. Ve do notta see ze nice-a big melons muchos here in Seville, only ze pocko oranjeths.

Scuttle Bros and Sinkem

Deep Sea Salvage Operators13 Quai D’Arsy - Brest

Q AssociatesFAO Busty Waters

Dear Ms WatersRe The Good Ship Venus

You will of course have read of the devastating news regarding the sinking of the ‘Good Ship Venus’ off the coast of Tierra del Fuego last week. She was, as you are no doubt fully aware, on route from Cadiz to Brest when she was caught in a violent heat-wave. Hoping to seek shelter in Tokyo Bay, she was driven off course and ran into treacherous seaweed off the coast of Tierra del Fuego. Although the crew, mostly Japanese, ate as much of the seaweed as possible it was to no avail and the ship was soon choked by heaving masses of bladder wrack – you know, the blackish stuff that goes pop when you squeeze those funny bubbly bits, and then you know if it’s going to be nice day or not – and promptly sank beneath the waves without so much as a gurgle, stopping in its downward motion only to disgorge your container of oranges….the Seville kind. .

All hands of bananas were lost together with numerous pots and pans from the galley, the Captain’s CD player and the chief engineer’s Viking helmet, Oh! and all the crew of course. As for the cargo, all that was salvaged was said container of oranges consigned to your good selves. However, on hearing the news of the disaster, the local Tierra del Fuegans, not having had fresh citrus fruit for a number of years descended on the stricken hulk prised open the by now beached container and filched the bloody lot! Consequently, there will be no Seville oranges for your Brigadier and hence no marmalade.

The saga continues, however, as the Captain’s wife, Marge, is organising a collection for a memorial to her dear hubby which she wants to have erected in the back garden of her cottage in Charlatan-cum-Quickly. We are sure that under the circumstances, you will want to contribute and have attached the ships manifest for your information as it also shows the names of the crew to whose surviving relatives you may wish to donate a large quantity of Zimbabwe dollars.

Yours exceedingly J R Flotsam

P.S. Please be advised that a certain Senor Capone has been making enquiries as to your whereabouts.

‘The Good Ship Venus’Ship’s Manifestly Excessive Manifest

Vessel: Rusting hulk Flag: if convenient Deadweight tonnage: bloody heavyHome Port or Sherry Destination: Any port (or sherry) in a storm Sailing Date: Mañana Crew:Ship’s Master Bates (GCE O level Art)First Mate Clam Idia S.T.D, Condom & BARChief Engineer Lief Ericsson (Copenhagen Scout Group Knot-tying 2nd Class)Able seamen Stains (NVQ II Hairdressing)

Barry Blue Beard (50 years before the mast….but mostly under it dead drunk)

Kyoto Lill (learned how to dress up as a sailor to amuse the crew) Tokyo Ted (Tokyo University degree in Earthquake forecasting)

Kamikaze Ken (learned how to dress up as a geisha to amuse the crew)Naga Saki Syd ( Kyoto School of IVF Mole Breeding: Higher Certificate )

Horatio Higginbotham (A level colouring-in) Dr. Tiddles the cat Ph D. M.Sc. Dip Eng. .

Cargo – forward Nos 1 and 2 holds

14 containers Seaweed flavoured Noodles 12 containers Sushi (with accompanying chopsticks)1 Container Seville Oranges (peeled)

Cargo – aft No 3 hold

14 containers well=thumbed copies Playboy Magazine (no centre-fold)12 containers caged live Breton moles1 container earth worms (for feeding the moles during the voyage)

Deck Cargo136 containers of Delia Smythe’s used brassieres. 1 container of Bill Oddie.