Thank God I Was Raped

By: JAY GRAYCE

Presented By: Jeff Sohler

© 2008 - 2009 Thank God I...®. All Rights Reserved.

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INTRODUCTION

by John Castagnini

IMPORTANT...Please Do Not Skip This Section!

Why this ebook? What makes it so different? Not onlyare these answers important, they are integral to yourunderstanding of the story presented here. Please donot skip over this brief introduction in your eagernessto get to the meat of the ebook itself.

When I first thought to include Thank God I WasRaped as one of the stories for Thank God I...™ Volume1, the concept sent chills through my spine. Couldanyone who’s endured this brutal, horrifying experiencereally embrace these words? Over the years, I’veconsulted with countless women during their raperecovery. I chose the title after witnessing whattranspires for them when they come to this conclusionof gratitude. What became quite apparent over acourse of thousands upon thousands of conversationsis that we only evolve past the mental traum a fromsuch a happening when we can hold “the love for it inour hearts”

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What is meant by “God”?

God — Certainly, the biggest three-letter word evercreated. Grand Organized Designer best describes theGod referred to in the Thank God I...™ books, websiteeducational material and seminars.

The thousands of people sharing their stories in thisseries all perceive God in their own light. Thank GodI...™ is about this network of people, willing to movebeyond having the right “name” for God.

Even the word “God” itself cannot finite the infinite.Rather, God refers to a system governing the brillianceof what is, and is not.

What this book series is not supposed to be.

This series does not condone or promote any of theacts the writers have experienced, nor do we suggestin any way that anyone should either commit any ofthese acts or subject themselves to any of these acts.This series also does not promote or label any specifickind of behavior as “right” or “wrong”, nor were the storieswritten or the book published for the purpose ofsuggesting that anyone rationalize their actions orbehavior.

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In addition, the Thank God I...™ series does not promoteor deny any religion. Rather, it honors the existence ofreligion and all things as part of a perfect creation.

What is Thank God I...™ about?

Our intention with this series is to convey this one keyprinciple: Perfection permeates everything. Each timewe fail to recognize this principle, the next lesson tocome our way will once again offer us the opportunityto see the perfection and break through into freedom.In fact, finding perfection in the pain and pleasure ofour own personal tribulations is the only way we willever liberate ourselves from the bondage of patterns.Whether it comes in a day, a year, or a lifetime away,situations will come into our lives that will force us tobecome thankful for “what was,” and to whole-heartedlyexperience “what is.”

What is meant by “Thanking God”?

During the creation phase of this series, we werefortunate to have as our ever-efficient assistant,Cassandra Gatzow, a beautiful twenty-three-year-oldwriter and poet. Just prior to coming to work with us,Cassandra was diagnosed with cervical cancer. A littleover a year and a half later, the cancer spread and sheleft this world before the first book launched.

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After Cassandra passed, my heart was struck by thewords she put to the page as she endured thisexperience. She wrote of her earth angels and herexplorations as she left her body to “dance with herangels.” She did not write about her passing, she wroteabout Thank God I...™ living as she moved through herlife’s greatest test, and her life’s ending. She viewedeach person, each moment as precious. How fortunateshe was, to see God in the now.

Imagine — this is what she wrote about her cancer:

“Tears fill my eyes daily with gratitude for every momentand every breath. It has allowed me to go after mydreams, to live from my heart, and to be truly free. Ithank God for my cancer and for allowing me to reacha place in me that I don’t think would have beenpossible without this experience. I am now twenty-three and feel that I have stepped into my skin proudly.I have felt an inner peace that many don’t find until laterin life. I am truly grateful for all my earth angels andwant to thank them for sharing with me this wonderfuljourney”

...Cassandra

There are 4 million tasks to accomplish in order tobring the Thank God I...™ network to the standard of ourvision. Thank you, Cassandra, for reminding me why

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Thank God I...™ was conceived in the first place.

Thanking God is about the above. Not just what isabove this sentence; it is about what is above, guidingus at every moment. Beyond the pain, chaos, andconfusion of our circumstance exists true perfection.Thanking God is about finding this perfection. Thisplace of thanking God might seem nearly impossible tofind, but it is the only place we will find ourselves.

Thank God I...™ is true “gratitude”.

Sure, we all hear about the “good things” that people aregrateful for in their lives. But, is this gratitude? ThankGod I...™ gratitude is about a state of being. It is about astate of inspiration, non-judgment, and presence.Thank God I...™ gratitude is beyond the illusion ofpositive or negative. It is beyond the lies of “good” and“evil”. Thank God I...™ . gratitude is about finding God inevery word, thought, and deed. In spirit, we are beyondthe illusion of pain or pleasure and we are present withspirit. Thank God I...™ gratitude is about equal love forall that is, as it is, was, or ever shall become. Gratitudeis loving what we don’t “like” as much as loving what wedo “like”.

The diversity of authors and experiences

The intention of this series is to reach all of humanity,

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every single unique creation. We did not base theselection of contributions to this series upon any faithor religious orientation. Each selected author took aformer challenge into their heart. The diversity ofauthors spans religions, countries, professions, age,race, nationality, and definitely experiences. Theyrange from strippers to doctors, from politicians to stay-at-home moms, and whoever they are, gratitude rules.From alcoholism to molestation or rape, the law ofgratitude prevails with each of our authors.Thankfulness for whatever is, or is not, ultimately rulesevery one of our kingdoms.

The vision of Thank God I...™

Little did I imagine how lightning-fast Thank God I...™would circle the world. This network includesthousands of contributors, reaching millions of people,sharing not only their stories, but also their answers!Beyond the books, and the online community, we offerworldwide conference calls, workshops, and seminars!The vision of this series will provide everyone withinspecific communities information in order to evolvepast the emotions that are holding them back. Thepeople and the project are revolutionary.

“All things in nature proceed from certain necessity andwith the utmost perfection.”

...Baruch Spinoza

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Thank God

I Was Raped

JAY GRACE

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Several years back, if someone told me I would bemaking such a statement as "Thank God I wasraped," I would have considered them cruel andcrazy. So, I'm aware of how disturbing this may be forsome people to hear or understand. I didn't wake upone day and ding! -- suddenly find myself thinking,"Hey, God . . . thanks for the rape." It wasso-o-o not like that, my friends. It was quite theopposite. I could not understand why God would letthis happen to me. I went through unspeakable painand anguish, and I saw my family's hearts break forme. Yet here I am writing about my rape, and I reallyam earnestly thankful to God for it! How did thathappen? I'll tell you a bit about myself before the rapein hope that you'll see how life so cleverly prepares usfor our personal tragedies. It took me some hard,painful years to figure this out. So here is a brief historyof my background:

For the first thirteen years of my life, I suffered from achronic illness. Going through the hardship made mewant to help those who were in need. I worked as acrisis counselor, advocate, and support group facilitatorfor survivors of violent crimes. For ten years I workeddirectly with victims of sexual assault, rape, incest,elder and child abuse.

Working with such heavy situations is draining, and Ifelt the signs of burnout. Taking a leap of faith, Iresigned from my job, and co-founded a consulting

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business in New York City, where I'd always lived. Butafter several years I felt I owed it to myself to get out ofmy comfort zone and go to live on the other side of thecountry.

The several times I'd visited San Francisco, I enjoyedthe aesthetics and the laid-back attitude of the peoplethere. My family and friends were apprehensive aboutmy moving to a place where I had no friends orestablished means of income. I understood theirconcerns, but I was determined to make a life formyself in California and I went ahead with therelocation. This was during the dot-com explosion, andmost people were willing to pay a disturbing amount ofmoney in cash to get an apartment, something Iobviously was not able to do. So after I had found a full-time consultant job, I still needed a part-time job tomake ends meet.

I applied for evening and weekend bartending jobs andgot a Sunday interview appointment at a high-endrestaurant. It was not far from my place. This made mehappy because commuting would be easy and the tipswould be good. Being new to the city and wanting totake precautions (I am a New Yorker, after all). I askeda new friend to go with me and wait while I interviewed.My counseling experience made me think about safetyissues. The restaurant was both lovely and busy, andthe hostess directed me to the manager. After I gavehim my resume, he told me to sit at one of the tableswhile he tended to customers. Finally he got back tome and proceeded with a friendly and informal

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interview. I had already learned that in San Franciscoeven employers were super casual and laid back. Themanager even introduced me to his wife, who wasdining with some of their friends. He finally offered methe job and insisted that my companion and I stay andtry some of the cuisine so I could become familiar withthe food. I thought, How generous! and was happy toget the job.

After some time, the restaurant manager asked me togo to his office to fill out some forms. I told my friend Iwould be right back. The manager went over to hiswife's table and said something to her, then motionedfor me to follow him to his office. He was walking quitea bit ahead of me, and I had to take large steps to tryto catch up with him. Losing track of where he hadgone, I asked an employee, who pointed to themanager's door. When I knocked, he called to me toopen the door and come in.

This is when my true journey began.

I opened the door but didn't see him. Suddenly, I felt ahand around my face, covering my mouth. He pulledme down to the cold, hard floor. I could not believe it!What was happening? I screamed, but no one heardme. The office was far from the noisy dining room, andno one heard my pleas for help. He held me down andtook off my clothes. I struggled, he was too strong... sostrong that the bruise of his handprint on my right armremained for a couple of weeks. He raped andsodomized me, and I immediately knew that he had

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done this before because he was so methodical andquite confident that he would not be caught.

Time stood still, and I began to experience what manysurvivors of trauma describe as an out-of-bodyexperience: as he raped me I felt like I was watching amovie of someone being raped. But that someone wasnot an actor... it was me, and it was real. I am not surehow much time passed, but when he was done withme, he calmly got himself together while I lay therebleeding, shocked, and in disbelief. Slowly andpainfully, I got up to put on my clothes. He turned tome, kissed and thanked me, and walked away. Yes, hedid! I could not believe it myself, and it happened to me.

I was no longer the person I was before I opened thosedoors. The person before would have thought thesame thing that some of you are thinking now, whichis, "Why didn't you run after him and try to kickhis ass?" I tried to fight him off during the rape,but at some point I disconnected. I was in shock andfelt broken. Then denial set in . . . I just could notaccept what had happened to me -- after all, I dideverything I thought I could to do to be safe. I hadsomeone go with me to the place of the interview, and Itold her that I was going to the office and would beright back. The place was crowded, and an employeesent me to the manager's office, so this person knew Iwas in there with the manager. (Much later, I found outhe was his lookout.)

Why didn't the red flags come up? How could I let this

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happen?

The whole thing was like a nightmare. I don'tremember going back into the restaurant's diningroom. I finally found my friend, who was waiting for me.She was upset and began to yell at me because I;dtaken so long that she thought I'd just forgotten abouther. Then suddenly I blurted out, "I wasraped." Naturally she freaked out -- she was veryupset. We left the restaurant, and she wanted to callthe police. But I said no, and we got a cab home.

Once home, we talked about it, and I decided to callthe police. I knew that in rape cases the victim isbasically the evidence, so I didn't shower or change myclothes, although every cell in my body wanted toscrub the rapist off me. I could smell him on me, and itmade me want to throw up and peel off my skin. Thepolice came, took my report, and drove me to thehospital. They were insensitive and dismissive. I spentabout seven hours waiting for a rape crisis nurse to domy rape kit.

In the interim, the investigators interviewed me severaltimes. I was in pain and exhausted. When the nursefinally checked me, she said that in all her time doingthis type of work, mine was the most terrible physicaltrauma she'd encountered, adding that she would bemore than willing to testify to that in court. She wasvery kind and compassionate.

I took emergency contraception, an HIV cocktail as a

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precaution against possible exposure, and an STDtest. For weeks I was weak from the side effects of theHIV cocktail. I was relieved

and grateful that my test results were all fine, but canyou imagine how awful I felt during those weeks, notknowing if I was okay?! I tried to get counseling, butthe referrals I got were not helpful, and I couldn't affordto pay for therapy on my own. I told no one but mysister; I simply worked like a robot, just existing. I didn'tknow what to do. I didn't eat and couldn't sleep -- I justworked -- until about a bit over a month after my rape,when I ended up in the emergency room with a severeasthma attack, during which I was pronouncedclinically dead for about four minutes. Actually that wasthe only time I had felt any peace since the rape. ThenI was brought back to my so-called life, and I was nothappy to be back!

Why? Why would God be so cruel as to have me gothrough the agony of physically dying? Why did Iexperience what I call a cosmic tease? I felt thedeliciousness of being on the other side. I had peace,absolute love, and joy when I was dead, and then bam!I got the Cosmic Boot?, (which I wrote about in detail inmy soon-to-be-published book, Death Didn't Want MeGetting the Cosmic Boot?).

I returned home to finish my recovery and wanted toknow about my case, but the investigator wasdismissive and unresponsive. I tried many times to findout what was going on, but couldn't get any answers. It

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took me many months, with the assistance of anadvocate, to find out the status of my case: It wasclosed. The investigator in charge said that I nevershowed interest in pursuing the case -- a completelyfalse statement on his part.

It took years for me to finally have the satisfaction ofknowing that my rapist was behind bars for the crimethat he committed against me. Even though I wasrelieved when they put him away where he cannot hurtanyone else, I remained inundated with a rage thatwas destroying me. After a while of searching, I founda therapist in California who helped a bit. Meanwhile Iwas trying to live my life, which I did very poorly. I wasa walking, talking, breathing ghost, and no matter whatI did to help myself, nothing worked. I remained stuckin "Why did this happen to me?" and unableto make progress in my healing process.

I went through all the stages common to someonewho's had a traumatic incident: denial, shame, self-blame, anger, and so on. Clinically I knew why I feltand behaved in those ways. But that didn't help mefrom feeling it. I had worked with rape survivors formany years, and I had taken a self-defense class. I feltthat somehow I should have known better, that I shouldhave been able to stop it. I should be able to "getover it" because I knew what steps to take toheal. My life was a complete mess, and I felt no zestfor life. I had no direction with work and no personalsocial life.

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After several years in San Francisco I moved back toNew York City and my family found out about the rape -- I was no longer functional. I stayed home, unable togo out by myself. I wore baggy clothes and hats, sothat no one could see me -- even if it were hot outside,I would cover my body. Back in therapy, I still had totake anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication inorder to become functional again. The medicationhelped, but rage still filled me. I simply felt hopeless. Ifinally decided to end all the pain, so I overdosed onthe pills. I ended up in the emergency room, wherethey gave me an enormous amount of charcoal to helprid my body from the toxins of the pills. I have to tellyou there's nothing more mind clearing than seeing theimage of yourself with your mouth and teeth stainedwith thick black coal goop. The thing about hitting rockbottom is that you have only the top to go to. It took mesome time to ask myself why I was still in such painand despair. I knew I was stuck, but how do I givemyself the nudge to begin healing?

I thought about when I worked with my clients, andwhat they shared with me. I remembered the feedbackthat they gave about me -- how compassionate andnon-judgmental I was with them. I seriously began tomeditate on why I was able to show compassion forothers but not for myself. On one of my many sleeplessnights, I opened a big box of my old journals andstarted to read both the pre- and post-rape ones, and Isobbed uncontrollably. I finally allowed myself to grievefor the person I had been before the rape. I decided tobury most of my journals symbolically, which allowed

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me to say goodbye to that part of me that I felt wasgone.

But after a while, I realized that part of me was notgone. What the rapist had done had changed meforever. That was a fact! But now it was up to me todecide how it had changed me. Was I going to be alost soul? Someone scared of her own shadow?Someone who did not trust her judgments anymore?Was I going to continue to see only the ugliness of lifeand marinate in bitterness?

I re-read the journals from after the rape and tried toobjectively see the things that I was going through. Ireally tried not to judge anything. I just recognized allthe things that I had been doing that were not allowingme to heal. I finally did for myself what I was able to dofor the clients I worked with: I showed compassion andworked on not being judgmental. By doing so, I endedup forgiving myself. Through doing these things, Ibecame less angry, and started the process of lettinggo of the rage I felt toward my rapist. He overpoweredme that night. But I realized that I could have thatpower back by not letting what he did prevent me fromhaving a happy, fulfilling life. So I simply began toforgive him. This does not mean I wanted to hang outwith him and send him holiday cards. But holding on tothe rage was not hurting him -- it was hurting me. Iknow it sounds cheesy, but just because it's cheesydoesn't mean it's not true.

I wondered if my working with victims of violent crimes

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years ago had been a way for God to help me preparefor my own personal tragedy. I know it might soundstrange, but I do believe this to be true.

Once I took those huge steps of self compassion,forgiveness, letting go, and re-claiming my life, Ireached out to others more and talked openly aboutmy rape. In time, I could again go out by myself and Istarted literally taking off the layers that I carried. Anartist friend of mine knew about my rape and told meabout a radio show called The Rape DeclarationForum in New York on radio station WBAI, which hisgirlfriend hosted and produced. He suggested thatperhaps I would want to go on and talk about what hadhappened to me. It's a live call-in show, where peoplecan share their story on the air. I decided to do it, andRebecca Myles, the show's host, invited me to be inthe studio while she played my pre-recorded interview.I went to the studio; it was my first time doing anyradio, and I was nervous. After Rebecca played thetape of my story, people called in to share their ownstories, saying that in my telling my story I had inspiredand helped them. It truly was powerful. That's when Ireally began to thank God that I had been raped! Thepain and anger that I had for myself, my rapist, andGod had transformed to inner peace and purpose. Iwas able to see the person I am now -- a woman whohas survived a personal tragedy and has found herpower. I have the power to claim my life. It is me andnot my rape that defines it.

I know that compassion and forgiveness starts with

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me. I know that being in a state of gratitude allows memore things to be thankful for in my life. I have thecourage now to be true to myself. I now embrace thewriter and artist in me by way of my poems and books.I am an activist and public speaker, spreading themessage of self empowerment and inspiration. Thebiggest blessing for me is that I found my purpose: todo radio broadcasting. I was graciously asked to co-host The Rape Declaration Forum at WBAI withRebecca Myles. I also produce and host my own radioshow, The Jay Grayce Radio Variety Show, onTribecaradio.net. It is a place of gratitude that allowsme to see and understand the great opportunities thatcan come from my struggles. It has taken me a longtime to understand that. I really did not believe that Iwould find joy in my life again. So for anyone who islost in despair, I would suggest that you feel what youare feeling. But please also be patient andcompassionate with yourself. And I thank God forallowing me the honor of having you read my story.

Julian J Grayce was a crisis counselor, advocate, andgroup facilitator for crime victims for ten years beforeshe decided to go in a different career direction, inwhich she has been an entrepreneur and artist. She isnow the creator/producer and host of The Jay GrayceVariety Show? for Tribecaradio.net. Julian also is theco-host of The Rape Declaration Forum on New York'sWBAI, 99.5 FM. She serves on the board of directorsfor NPOs and is an activist for victims and animal rights.

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