Welcome to Day 6 of the Utterly Fictitious Spider Jerusalem Vetinari Bachelor Challenge!

It's down to two SimSelves in the house with the grouchy spare-spawn, and by the end of the day, a winner will be crowned!

Who will it be? Click on to see!

These are the last two SimSelves in the house:Kaiyah (Kaiyah/Kaiyah2; Legacy Shmegacy), is the current leader, with a score of 176. She and Spider Jerusalem are best friends, they have three bolts, and he's in love with her.Kendra (riot.fighter/riotgrrl4271; the Punk Legacy), led the scoring for the first two days, and has been second to Kaiyah ever since. She's got a score of 162, she and Spider Jerusalem are best friends and crushing on each other, and they have two bolts. However, she's more outgoing than Kaiyah, and could pull off an upset victory.

The object of their attention: Spider Jerusalem Vetinari, son of Gen 2 Uglacy spare Cypress and the Grim Reaper, he's isolated and introverted in Riverblossom Hills, but his own grumpy outgoing self in Pleasantview.

If you want more Vetinari goodness, check out the Vetinari Dualegacy on DrSupremeNerd's SimPage or the Boolprop.com forums.

But before we get to the meat of the challenge, we've got some business to attend to first.

Wren: "So I know we just met yesterday, but will you marry me?"Styx: "It's like you saw right into my Want Panel!"Wren: "Can we throw a Wedding Party?"Styx: "Can we have a baby?"

Styx: StyxLady/lorddaeos, writer of Just Another Legacy, most recent eliminee.Wren: Wren Vetinari, Gen 4 Prettacy spare. This is Popularity Sim-Wren, incidentally, not Romance Sim-Wren. There will be no cheaty-Wants for him, and also no "Had A Baby" Aspiration Failures.

Styx: "I see that Want in your panel, mister."Wren: "Throw a Wedding Party?"Styx: "No."Wren: "Get Married to Styx?"Styx: "No."Wren: "Gain A Skill Point?"Styx: "No."Wren: "Ah. That OTHER Want."Styx: "That's the one."Wren: "Bedroom?"Styx: "Just let me barf first."

Yes, Styx is currently pregnant. Because I haven't had enough of Stabby Death Nose yet.

De (fireflower314/fireflowersims.livejournal.com; the Morgan and Pierce Legacies) was ousted from the challenge on Day 4 after a stunning comeback from nearly being eliminated on Day 1.

She may not have ended up with Spider Jerusalem, but she did get to splat Mr. Big Jerk with a satellite and turn him into a zombie.

Gin (GintasticNecat; The Science of a Legacy), the Day 3 eliminee, got her own special consolation prize as well...

That's Cypress Vetinari, villain of the Vetinari Dualegacy, in a little pen filled with flame jets in Gin's backyard.

Michelle (MichelleFobbs/MichaelFobbs; the Planetary Apocalypse), eliminated on Day 2, got to beat the stuffing out of Jerky Jake.

Orikes (Orikes/orikes360; the Pseudo Legacy), the first SimSelf booted from the Bachelor Challenge house, is engaged to and pregnant by Larch Vetinari, hot and Eeevil Gen 2 Uglacy heir.

Family Sim Larch is eagerly awaiting his wedding and childrinions.

SimNerd: "Gil? I know the booty is fierce, but if skulls were firmly attached to necks, you wouldn't be able turn your head or nod. And Spider Jerusalem's right behind that door. Just something to keep in mind."Gilbert: "Sorry. Force of habit."

SimNerd: SimSelf of yours truly, DrSupremeNerd, writer of the Vetinari Dualegacy.Gilbert: Gilbert Jacquet, gay baker.

Cassidy: "So, Gil, you practically live here anyway, what say we make it official?"Gilbert: "Are you asking me to move in with you?"Cassidy: "That's sort of the idea."

Cassidy: Cassidy Vetinari, half-alien son of Cypress Vetinari, half-brother of Spider Jerusalem.

"Hmmm... Let me think... Boyfriend and snarky SimSelves or little-old-lady smell and calico wallpaper... Decisions, decisions..."

Gilbert: "Come to think of it, it's not really that tough a decision."Cassidy: "I'll miss you, then."Gilbert: "I wasn't planning on going anywhere."Cassidy: "I know. I just wanted to hear you say it."Gilbert: "I have a Want involving a hot tub."Cassidy: "What a coincidence. Me too."

SimNerd: "So... Last day! Hot tubbing! Make Out! And I'm going for a Slow Dance and the associated interactions rather than three Flirts. But this is it!"Stacilee: "I can hardly wait!"Di: "Oh yes, we're filled to the brim with anticipation!"Stacilee: "I mean, Kendra's totally going to pull off an upset victory!"Di: "I believe you meant to say that Kaiyah's going to continue her run to the top."

Stacilee: stacilee/stacierearden; the Whedonberry Alphabet Legacy.Di: Dicreasy; the Victorian Legacy.

Stacilee: "What?! Kaiyah's totally going down in a blaze of karma! She's the whole reason Styx didn't get her fair shot; there's no way she gets to win!"Di: "You can't blame Kaiyah for that! It was Spider Jerusalem's actions that caused Styx to be eliminated. Besides, Kaiyah has the edge in chemistry; Kendra can't compete with that."Stacilee: "Styx, Gin, and Michelle had three bolts, and look where it got them! Kendra has the ability to pull out a victory."Di: "I wouldn't suggest placing a large wager on that."

Larch: "Ladies, please! No fighting! Unless you're going to put on something small and lacy, in which case, feel free."Cassidy: "If it weren't for the nose, I'd find it hard to believe that we're related."Larch: "Well, we both like hanging out in our jammies."Cassidy: "That too."

Larch: Larch Vetinari, Eeevil Gen 2 Uglacy heir. Cassidy's uncle.

"You know what? I do not see this conversation going anywhere but Banned4Lyfe. So I'm all for heading over to the Bachelor Challenge. Hey, that's what you're all here to see anyway, right?"

They're in the mood for poker.Kaiyah: "Hey, how am I losing?"Kendra: "Clearly you have no ability to bluff."Kaiyah: "I don't need to bluff--I tend to have good cards."Kendra: "But if you can bluff, you can win with the crappy cards you were dealt."Spider: "Wooo. Subtext-y."

Kaiyah: "Yeah, I'd say I'm holding a pair of aces."Kendra: "I don't need to hold any aces."Spider: "We stopped talking about cards a long time ago, didn't we?"Kendra: "Yup."

Kaiyah: So... not a pair of aces, then.Kendra: Three-bolt chemistry? I laugh at your three-bolt chemistry!Spider: Oooh, hey, full house!

Spider: "I win!"Kaiyah: "I'm out."Kendra: "Get used to the feeling."

Time for some hot-tubbing!

Kendra: "So we're doing this in the dark again, I see."Kaiyah: "Splashies!"

Spider: "Splashies right back atcha!"Kendra: "Hey! I'm naked over here!"

"Do you think the sexy lamp conversation is played out yet?"

"Not as long as there are still sexy lamps to be had!"

Kaiyah: "More splashies!"Kendra: "Would you give the splashies a rest?"

"So have you heard about the Edible Body Paint in the lady-shaped bottles?"

"I hadn't! Tell me more..."No NO NO! Banned4Lyfe!

"Does the winner of this whole shebang get some jewelry? A big shiny ring of shiny bigness would be good, but I'd settle for some Mikimoto pearls..."

"Meh. Who wants to hang the diseased secretions of a dying mollusc around their neck?"

"Kissing! We did some yesterday, and it was AWESOME!"

"Wasn't it? Even Styx got some, although, not with Spider Jerusalem!"

"Today's the Making Out! I can hardly contain myself!"

"Right? It's like kissing, only more so! With groping!"

"We get some kissing with the Slow Dance too! It's like a bonus smooch!"

"I think I'm gonna be a fan of Making Out too, especially if groping is involved!"

"I'm pretty sure the butt-grab will be doled out by us in the Make Out. I'm sort of okay with that, though."

"You know what no one's talked about yet? SPATULAS!"

"You know, you're right! How can we have gotten this far into the challenge and not mentioned spatulas? You know what they're good for?"

"Using them on fried eggs!"

"Can we please stop talking about eggs now? The metaphor is slightly uncomfortable."

"Sexy lamp!"

"Still funny!"

"So how great are Cass and Gil together?"

"They need to never, ever break up! They are soooo cute together!"

"So... two fried eggs in a pan?"

"WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT MY FRIED EGGS!"

It was at this juncture that I realized that it was raining, and did not want to risk fulfilling Spider Jerusalem's Want to get struck by lightning.

I never quite understood that Want. I'm a Knowledge Sim-type myself, and have never mused, "You know what would be fun? ELECTROCUTION. That would be the AWESOMEST THING EVER."

Anyway. Time to move the party inside, away from the large water-filled tub and the sparky bolts of lightning.

Nobody got electrocuted, but we did have four tree fires before the end of the storm.

Time to kick off the one-on-one stuff--one Slow Dance with all associated interactions (Head on Shoulder, Lower Hands, Smooch), and one Make Out.

I mean to start off with a Slow Dance, but Kaiyah has other ideas.Spider: "This is almost as much fun as when I get to do the groping!"Kaiyah: "I just couldn't help myself!"

And it's the Grope that gets Kaiyah in love with Spider Jerusalem.

I will refrain from further comments on that particular subject.

Now I will attempt the actual Slow Dance.

Kaiyah and Spider Jerusalem didn't Dance Close immediately, but they did do it autonomously.

Kaiyah: "Head on Shoulders now, Grope next..."

Spider: "I'm a fan of the booty."Kaiyah: "Likewise."

And the Smooch. I love how cute this interaction is.

Spider: "Make Out now?"Kaiyah: "It better be!"

He looks so excited. Like a little puppy.

Yup, big red Make Out lips...

...and the Make Out Booty Grope.

But it's time to send Kaiyah out and bring Kendra in.

Kendra and Spider Jerusalem fall in love with the Slow Dance. Kendra, you are forgiven for not throwing me simultaneous Crush-hearts now that you've thrown me simultaneous Love-hearts.

They Dance Close autonomously as well, and sooner than Spider and Kaiyah did. My theory is that it's an outgoing point issue.

Spider: "First Head on Shoulders, then Grope!"

Spider: "Mmmm... booty..."

Kendra: "As long as I get a piece of this too..."Spider: "I work out. Can you tell?"Kendra: "Uh-huh."

The Cute Smooch!

Spider: "More Making Out? Win!"

Kendra: "Yeah, those are my big red Make Out lips!"

Yeah, more kissing...

...and still more kissing.

We're nearing noon, but we're not quite there yet.

Time for a snack!Kendra: Almost noon! Still time to earn some relationship points!Spider: Mmmm... turkey...Kaiyah: "Whoooo! You do not want to go in there! I couldn't find any matches to light!"

Spider: "Isn't it great how we're all friends? You guys were right--it is better than beating up Gilbert!"Kendra: "I guess we'll find out how friendly you are with the two of us in a minute!"Kaiyah: I am totally ending up with Spider Jerusalem.

And then what had been a generally nice, clean competition, suddenly turned ugly...

Kaiyah: "Whooo-eeeeee! I have been holding that in all day!"Kendra: "Oh, NASTY! I'm trying to eat here! And there aren't even any rotten eggs at the buffet!"Spider: "What on earth was that noise?"

Kaiyah: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"Kendra: "I think I'm gonna be sick."Spider: "Seriously, was that, like, a squeaky hinge or something? That was one crazy sound."Kaiyah: "Give it a minute..."

Kendra: "Still think it was a squeaky briefcase hinge?"Spider: "Dear sweet lord, it's making my sinuses burn!"Kaiyah: "Ah, the gift that keeps on giving..."Spider: "I really needed to be upwind of that."

Yes, that's really how that happened--Kaiyah laid a big ole air-muffin right on Kendra, laughed at her, and then Spider Jerusalem made Stinky-face.

I am not ashamed to admit that that made me laugh until I had tears running down my face.

But now it's noon, and who will triumph?

Will it be Kaiyah, with her three bolts of Knowledge Sim chemistry?

Or will it be Kendra, with her ten outgoing points?

No tie score here--there's a clear winner, with a score of 200 to 187.

And that winner is...

Spider: "Hey, Kaiyah--you win! Me, apparently!"Kendra: "Bloo skavani! I'll just see myself out, shall I?"Kaiyah: "How can I miss you if you don't go away?"

Spider: "Congratulations on winning!"Kaiyah: "Are you also going to congratulate me on my hotness?"Spider: "Three times!"

Kaiyah: "Call me!"Spider: "Uh... You're staying. I don't need to call you."Kaiyah: "Whatever."

I expected them to go right for the booze when I put out the champagne, but they kept congratulating each other on their respective hotness and telling dirty jokes. This has got to be the only Bachelor Challenge where the contestants didn't flock to the bar at every available opportunity.

I finally forced Spider Jerusalem to make a toast. And to do a few other things besides...

Spider: "So, hey, we've known each other most of a week--that's practically forever! Marry me?"Kaiyah: "That ring's even more beautiful than a rusty fork!"

Don't forget, Kaiyah--you don't get to keep him, so enjoy it while it lasts!

Spider: "Shoo flee? I'm tired, dammit!"Kaiyah: "I got Aspiration points for the engagement. I rock!"

Spider: snerkKaiyah: "Shoo flee? I'm tired too!"

Well, you know what they say about couples who go "Shoo flee?" and whine about Motive Desperation together.

Huh. I guess they don't say anything about that, actually. But I will send them to bed. Just not for, you know, sleeping. Yet.

Spider: "Are you rolling a Want for this?"Kaiyah: "No, but we're soooo gonna do it anyway."

Spider: "I can has sleep?"Kaiyah: "No, dammit! RealMe is going to enjoy the victory!"

Kaiyah: "Yeah, those are purple hearts. Read 'em and weep!"Spider: ...zzzzzzz...

But now to deal with Kendra...

"Man, I almost did it, didn't I? If I'd made it into the hot tub one of those other days, or if you'd left it summer a day longer, I'd have been right up there! But at least I got to get some groping in, and a bunch of kissing! And plenty of naked hot-tubbing to boot!"

"We have a hot tub upstairs if you're interested..."

Cass: "Just ignore him. It's easiest."Stacilee: "I was pulling for you, really. Everyone loves an underdog victory!"Cass: "Hey, I'm just happy if Spider Jerusalem's happy."

"Oh well. I still have a consolation prize to go home to, right?"

Di: "Will there be violence? It's quite unseemly."SimNerd: "Hehehe. Who needs seemly? Off you go, Kendra!"

Kendra: "You know, maybe Kaiyah had something to that rusty fork..."Big: "I can has grilled cheese nao?"Kendra: "A really big rusty fork."

No rusty forks, but I did get the next best thing...

Gigantic not-so-safety scissors!

"This is not grilled cheese!"Shut up and RUN, fidiot.

"Hmm. I don't seem to have a pulse.

"Wait, did I have a pulse before? Do zombies have pulses? I don't remember. Either way, I don't have one now, which would seem to be problematic."

Kendra: "Took you long enough, Grimmy."Reaper: "Are you gonna plead or what?"Kendra: "Wasn't planning on it. I almost hooked up with your son. That was pretty awesome."Reaper: "Sorry, that's the Riverblossom Hills Reaper. Different guy. I'll pass it along, though."Kendra: "Cool."

"Oh no, Mr. Big Jerk's dead. Time to drown my sorrows...

"So it's, what, one part 'juice' to two parts 'other juice' to one part actual juice, into the shaker..."

"So, hey, Grimmy, I was thinking, what'd be a great torture for a guy that had no nice points even before he was a zombie? Reverse-rezzing! So I give you a couple grand, you give me a Reverse-rezzed Grilled Cheese Zombie Big Jerk! Cool? Cool!"

Big: "I want grilled cheese! And a hug."Kendra: "Good luck with that. I'm not about to dole out either, you ass."

Stacilee: "So, what? That's it?"Di: "It was very amusing, I must admit."SimNerd: "Come on--of course that's not it! You think I'd just set the contestants up with some party favors? No way am I not hooking up the rest of us!"Di: "I can't say the notion displeases me."SimNerd: "So, Larch, put on some clothes and let's all head outside for a little fun."

Larch: "Do I need a shirt to get married?"Cass: "I've sort of got everything I want."Gilbert: "Yeah, me too."

Oh, have I ever been waiting for this...

Is that piece of cardboard tasty, jerkhole? Is it? IS IT NUMMY, JAKE?

No?

GOOD.

"Ugh! That guy gnawing on the cardboard is all icky!"

"Dude, I SUCK."

Cass: "Aaawwww, you don't suck! You let me jump on the couch and hang around in my jammies and you hooked me up with Gilbert! This is, like, the best week ever!"SimNerd: "It really makes me feel like crap when you say stuff like that."Cass: "I'm sorry."SimNerd: "Don't apologize. I wish you could be happy back home."Cass: "Hey--I trust you to get me a happy ending."SimNerd: "I promise."

Larch: "I love this part..."Big: "The grilled cheese or the hugs?"Larch: "The what now?"

Di: "Isn't this usually the juncture where someone says, 'This one's for Cassidy!'?"Stacilee: "This is Larch we're talking about. He's doing this because he likes to beat the stuffing out of people--he doesn't need a reason!"

Everybody but Gilbert: "WOOOOO LARCH!"Gilbert: "That guy in the smoking jacket is smelly."

"Hey, is this a private party or can anyone join?"

"Well, I don't get to do this to any SimSelves even if they slap me, so I've got some pent-up rage."

Everybody but Larch: "WOOOOO SPIDER JERUSALEM!"Larch: "Can I have another go at Stinky?"

Spider: "Yessss!"Gilbert: "Can you throw the smelly man to the other side next time?"SimNerd: "He is foul!"

SimNerd: "Well, Di, I know you wanted to throw Biggie into a scorpion pit, but I couldn't find one."Di: "That is a shame. A million stings and a slow agonizing death by poison would be most fitting."SimNerd: "I made us a sandpit instead."Di: "A sandpit? Hardly seems fitting."SimNerd: "Heh. It's not just a sandpit..."

"...it's a QUICKsandpit."

*schlorp*

Spider: "This is great! We need more feeding of smelly zombies to quicksandpits!"Larch: "Can I have one of these for my own personal use?"

Yes, they really did cheer the death of Reverse-Rezzed Grilled Cheese Zombie Mr. Big.

I *heart* my meanies.

"Eat it, Stinky!"

Time to head back inside...

"Oooohhh..."

Larch: "Really, Stacilee? Really?"Stacilee: "He's sort of like Adrien Brody. Like, individually, everything says 'No' but all together, it kinda works. He's got a totally unique hotness."Larch: "Really?"

"...Grandpa...?"

Cormorant "Cory" Vetinari, Gen 4 Uglacy heir. Larch's grandson. Slightly less Eeevil.

Stacilee: "Yeah, you're just like Adrien Brody!"Cory: "I've never been told that before, but I'm all for it!"

Di: "You're not actually going to..."SimNerd: "Stacilee and Cory? Nah. I'd rather have Cory's spawn be a surprise when I finally get back to that point. But she does think he's got an Adrien Brody hotness."

Stacilee: "So next time we get to see some weddings and some babies, right?"Di: "Kaiyah will break out her rusty fork if she doesn't get some children with Spider Jerusalem."SimNerd: "Yup--weddings, babies, and crazy SimSelf bash!"Stacilee: "A crazy SimSelf bash involving embarrassingly short dresses and Smustle faces?"SimNerd: "There may be some wardrobe changes involved."

Di: "I get a new bonnet?"SimNerd: "Think a little less 'bonnet' and a little more 'go-go boots.' "Di: "...I get a new bonnet?"SimNerd: "Time to pull you into the twentieth century, Di!"Stacilee: "Isn't this the twenty-first century?"SimNerd: "One step at a time, Stacilee. One step at a time."

That's right--next time, SimSelf madness, three weddings, and some childrinions!

This completely pointless slide brought to you by the absolutely adorable cuddling/spooning thing they do.

We hope you have enjoyed this completely pointless slide.

...Yeah, it's not Spider Jerusalem without a shirt on. Deal.