Seinfeld The Pizza Thief

8/13/2019 Seinfeld The Pizza Thief

1/25

Seinfeld "The Pizza Thief"

By

Eric Mann


2/25

INT. DINER-DAY

GEORGE and JERRY sit in the usual booth, finishing up theirmeals looking unsatisfied.

JERRYIts the same thing over and over.

GEORGEEvery time!

JERRYWhat happened in my life where Ijust wake up in the morning andknow, grilled cheese is the safebet for me!

GEORGEWhere did we go wrong?

JERRYWe were two young cool kids backthen.

GEORGEWe were known!

JERRYMe for good, you for bad--

George bows his head.

GEORGEbut still known!

An unmotivated WAITRESS walks up to table.

WAITRESSIs that all?

GEORGEYeah--

She slams the bill on the table and walks away.

WAITRESSBye.

JERRYWhat kind of service was that?

George looks down in shock at his plate of messy, greasyfood.

(CONTINUED)


3/25

CONTINUED: 2.

GEORGEWhat happened to us? Twenty yearsago I wouldnt have taken thattreatment! I would have stormedout!

JERRY

And yet youre still seating.

GEORGEFor the last time Jerry, its timeto give up on this place.

They both exit the booth and pull out their wallets.

GEORGELook at me, like an animal,instinctively giving 15 percent!

JERRY

(Disgusted)15 percent?

Jerry throws an extra couple of dollars on the table. Georgeresponds to Jerrys pressure by throwing a few more dollarsdown.

Jerry walks away, George follows but quickly andsubtly turns, taking a dollar off the table and putting itin his pocket.

INT. JERRYS APARTMENT- DAY

George is sitting on the couch with a bowl of chips in hislap.

Jerry stands looking through his mail by the counter.

GEORGEOur daily life is consumed within afive block radius, you know that?Always in the same proximity.

The buzzer rings, Jerry clicks the button.

JERRYYeah?

ELAINE(Sad)

Its me.

Jerry buzzes her in.

(CONTINUED)


4/25

CONTINUED: 3.

GEORGEI just have had enough, Jerry. Ineed something new in my life,something exciting!

JERRY

Well you did have the chili today.

GEORGE--but thats not enough!

The door opens and ELAINE comes in wearing a fancy outfit,something that does not fit her usual attire.

JERRYOh no.

GEORGEWhy are you so dressed up?

JERRY(Whispers to George)

Its a trap.

Elaine sadly looks at them.

ELAINEMike dumped me.

Jerry rolls his eyes at George, then turns to Elaine.

JERRY

And the problem?

ELAINEHe dumped me, Jerry! ME! I wassupposed to break it off with him!He shouldnt have been the dumper!

JERRYWell Elaine, you cant always bethe dumper. Youre the dumpee.

ELAINEIm the dumpee, Jerry, the dumpee!

Elaine walks to the bathroom, Jerry nudges George in thearm.

GEORGEWhats that for?

(CONTINUED)


5/25

CONTINUED: 4.

JERRY(Whispers)

Thats the outfit! Dont youremember, Elaines "got dumped"outfit? Its the same dress to tryand attract a rebound.

GEORGE(Whisper)

Women have a rebound outfit?

Jerry nods at him, but quickly stops when the bathroom doorstarts jiggling.

JERRYJust dont mention it and shellforget about it.

GEORGE

Ok. Ok.

Elaine comes out of the bathroom, readjusting her dress.

ELAINESo Jerry, what do you have plannedfor today?

Jerry looks all around the apartment and puts out his arms.

JERRYThis.

GEORGEAnd its a problem! All we do isjust sit here.

KRAMER bursts through Jerrys door also dressed nicer thanusual.

KRAMERHey Jer--

Kramer looks at Elaine recognizing the dress.

KRAMERWho dumped you?

GEORGE/JERRYOh no.

Elaine rolls her eyes at Kramer.

(CONTINUED)


6/25

CONTINUED: 5.

KRAMERWhat? What?! What did I do?

JERRYMike dumped her.

KRAMEROh.

JERRYWhat are you doing here anyways?Arent you supposed to be doingsomething, somewhere?

KRAMERWell, I wanted to borrow an offcolor blazer and theres one inyour closet.

JERRYHow do you know I have one in mycloset?

KRAMERI borrowed it last week.

Kramer walks in and takes a seat next to George while heeats some chips.

Jerry rolls his eyes, looking back through his mail.

JERRY

So what do you need an off colorblazer for?

KRAMERIm finally meeting Romeo!

GEORGEWho is Romeo?

KRAMERMy Italian Pen Pal.

JERRYKramer, he lives in the city! Hecant be a real pen pal if you liveon the same island as the otherperson. It breaks the unspoken penpal rules!

(CONTINUED)


7/25

CONTINUED: 6.

JERRY(To George)

He is an Italian America that livesin Little Italy.

KRAMERAnd yet we have never met face to

face.

GEORGEYou havent met in all these years?

KRAMERWe decided to live by the world ofpaper and pen, but its become todifficult. Im heading down toLittle Italy today to go to meethim for the first time.

GEORGE

Thats it! Thats it, Jerry! Werecoming along too.

JERRYI dont want to go to big Italy,whyd you think I would want to goto a little one?

GEORGE(Serious)

Both you and I are resistingchange, we have become so normal,so mundane that a small, miniature,difference shifts our earth upsidedown! Well, I need an earthquakebaby!

KRAMERElaine dressed as lovely as you do,you might catch the eye of a localItalian.

JERRYAn Italian, New Yorker!

Elaine ponders for a moment.

ELAINEYeah, they will do.

KRAMERThats the spirit.

Kramer goes to Jerrys bedroom.

(CONTINUED)


8/25

CONTINUED: 7.

KRAMER(O.S)You know, were very lucky we dontneed a passport, I lost mine lastvacation.

Kramer comes back wearing the blazer. Elaine, Jerry, andKramer walk towards the door.

GEORGEWhered you go?

KRAMERChina Town.

Kramer walks out the door followed by George.

EXT. LITTLE ITALY SIDEWALK- DAY

Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer walk on a narrow sidewalk

finding it difficult to walk in a line together.

JERRYThe sidewalks are too narrow. Ifeel claustrophobic.

ELAINEOh great.

They all walk by a car parked, while at the same time as aCOUPLE. While trying to pass by, they all squeeze into acluster, elbowing each other.

Kramers hand accidentally brushes the womans chest.

KRAMERMi Scuse.

EXT. TONYS FAMOUS PIZZA- MOMENTS LATER

The four stand in front of TONYS FAMOUS PIZZA, looking up atthe generic pizza sign.

JERRY

For such a sensitive occasion whereyour meeting your life long penpal, you chose a pizzeria?

KRAMERI hear its what the locals eat.

An ITALIAN HANDSOME MAN with slicked black hair, smiles atElaine as he walks into the Pizzeria.

(CONTINUED)


9/25

CONTINUED: 8.

JERRYGeorge, is this good enough foryou?

GEORGEWhat the hell, I love pizza, Im

gonna get pizza.

KRAMERIm waiting for Romeo inside.

Kramer walks in.

ELAINEAnd Im gonna go in there too.

Elaine smiles and walks in.

JERRY

Alright, lets go.

Jerry holds the door for an OLDER MAN that just arrived,letting him walk in first.

JERRY(Whisper to George)

Not even a thank you.

INT. TONYS DINING AREA-MOMENTS LATER

Elaine and Kramer are sitting at a table in the corner. The

Italian man walks back looking around at all of the tables.

Elaine looks at him, and he looks back, not noticing Kramer.

KRAMERRomeo?

Romeo snaps out of his gaze with Elaine.

ROMEO(Italian accent)

Mr. Kramer?

Kramer stands and looks him up and down.

KRAMERYoure exactly how I imagined you.

Romeo looks at Kramers face, up to the top of his hair.

(CONTINUED)


10/25

CONTINUED: 9.

ROMEOAs I did you, Mr. Kramer.

KRAMERPlease, take a seat, this is myfriend Elaine.

She blushes.

KRAMERShe was just dumped today.

She scolds Kramer.

ROMEOHow could a beautiful thing betreated so poorly?

She blushes again.

INT. TONYS PIZZERIA- LATER ON

George and Jerry are standing on line behind the old manthat they let in who is next on line.

JERRYSo does this suffice as a bigenough change for you, differentpart of the city, differentpizzeria?

George puts up his index finger as he speaks.

GEORGEThe perfect Sicilian slice willmake all in the world right.

George leans over and watches Tony take a fresh Sicilian pieout of the oven and cut it.

GEORGEThere, Jerry!

George points at a slice.

GEORGEThe one to the right of the middle.

JERRYWhich middle?

(CONTINUED)


11/25

CONTINUED: 10.

GEORGEThe middle middle.

JERRYThe second row middle?

GEORGEYes, the second row middle. Onlyone side of golden brown crust thatallows you to perfectly hold thething of beauty.

George stares at the pizza as if they are new born babies inthe hospital. TONY walks over to the pizza and takes thepiece George was looking at, and hands it to the old man.

JERRYHey George look, hes stealing yourslice.

George walks over towards the old man and taps him on theshoulder.

GEORGEExcuse me, hello, hi. I was justtalking to my friend about thatexact slice. To me it seems alittle odd that you would choosethe same exact slice as I whenthere is a whole pie.

OLD MAN

I know, I heard you. You wet myappetite for it.

The old man starts to walk away, leaving George shocked.

GEORGEBut that was my slice! You cantjust order what I was having causethen I cant have what I washaving!

JERRYHere we go.

TONYHey, whats the problem here?

GEORGEI was telling my friend which sliceI wanted to buy, and he just boughtit.

(CONTINUED)


12/25

CONTINUED: 11.

The old man takes a seat by the front window.

TONYHe ordered first.

GEORGEBut we were here before him! We

held the door open to be nice, tolet him in and we didnt even get athank you!

JERRYNo thank you!

TONYDo you want a different piece?

GEORGE(Disappointed)

Just give me a corner slice!

JERRYTwo plain for me.

GEORGECan you believe that guy? What ajerk!

JERRYI can believe it, because were inLittle Italy. We should have juststayed and went to the Diner. Whatwere we thinking? I dont likechange!

GEORGEIm gonna have to get him back.

JERRYWhy cant you just let it go?

GEORGEHe took my slice? We held the dooropen for him.

JERRYI held the door open--

GEORGEYeah whatever! I gotta think ofsomething.

The two of them get there slices and walk towards the diningarea.


13/25

12.


Elaine and Romeo are deep in conversation, Kramer looksupset, sitting alone as the third wheel.

George and Jerry walk over with the pizza. Kramer excitedly

gets up to pull them down, sitting in between Romeo andElaine.

KRAMERGeorge! Jerry! Great to have youback. Romeo, these are my friendsGeorge and Jerry.

ROMEOSo you are Jerry? Kramer haswritten all about you?

JERRY

Oh did he?

Romeo looks Jerry up and down and turns to Kramer.

ROMEOYou were right.

Kramer breaks out in laughter, and Jerry looks at himmortified.

JERRYWhat did you say?

KRAMERDont worry about it. George, whydid you get a corner Sicilianslice?

ROMEOAlways the middle row.

JERRYDont ask.

George is racking his brain. Finally, he snaps his fingerand looks up at everyone.

GEORGEI got it. Ill be right back.

George gets up and walks to the front room.

Romeo looks at Kramer.

(CONTINUED)


14/25

CONTINUED: 13.

ROMEOMr. Kramer, if you would not mind,I would like to take Elaine on aromantic day around Little Italy.

He turns to Elaine.

ROMEOWould you like that, Madame?

He takes her hand. Kramer starts to break down.

KRAMERBut, I thought you were here forme?

ROMEOI came for the pizza, I left forher.

He stands up and takes Elaines hand, for her to follow.

KRAMERBut-- Romeo. Romeo?

Kramer puts his head down on the table.

JERRYHey buddy, cheer up. Its going tobe ok.

Jerry consoles him.

INT. FRONT ROOM-MOMENTS LATER

George is holding a soda while he walks over to the old manwho sits alone.

GEORGEExcuse me, sir?

OLD MANIt wasnt your slice.

GEORGEI know, and I am here to apologizefor my actions. Please take thissoda, its the least I can do.

OLD MANYeah, well good thing you didsomething.

(CONTINUED)


15/25

CONTINUED: 14.

He snatches the soda out of Georges hand, leaving himwatching.

GEORGEArent you going to say something?

OLD MAN

Let me eat my meal in peace.

GEORGENo, how about a thank you? I did anice deed, it should be recognized!

OLD MANYoure making up for a mistake, youshould thank me for accepting YOURapology!

George gets irritated.

GEORGESay, thank you!

OLD MANNo.


Kramer is crying, Jerrys enjoying his slice of pizza.

GEORGE(O.S)Say thank you!

OLD MANNo!

JERRYGeorge?

Kramer picks up his head, and follows Jerry to the frontroom.

INT. FRONT ROOM-CONTINUOUS

George is trying to rip the metal plate with a half eatenslice on it out of the old mans hand.

The pizza pops off the plate and goes flying through theroom, landing on the floor!

Tony leans over the pizza display, looking at the mess.

(CONTINUED)


16/25

CONTINUED: 15.

TONYGet out!

EXT. LITTLE ITALY SIDEWALK- DAY

Elaine and Romeo are hand in hand, arm in arm, as they walkdown the street.

ROMEOOh Elaine, my eyes cant believewhat beauty I see, that dress.

ELAINE(Dreamy)

Oh, Romeo.

EXT. LITTLE ITALY SIDEWALK-DAY

Jerry, Kramer, and George walk down the street.

GEORGEWhere else can we go out to eat?

KRAMERWho cares!

GEORGEWhats wrong with him?

JERRY

Romeo dumped him for Elaine.

George shakes his head.

KRAMERI was so good to him!

JERRYHow about some Gelato? It will makeyou feel better!

KRAMERWell, I do like gelato.

JERRYGreat!

Jerry searching his surroundings.

(CONTINUED)


17/25

CONTINUED: 16.

JERRYIn Little Italy Im guessing thereshould be one on every-- Ah thereit is.

They walk towards the Gelato store on the corner of the

street.

EXT. DIFFERENT STREET SIDEWALK- DAY

Elaine and Romeo walk together arm in arm. Romeos eyes areglued to her dress.

ROMEOI just cant believe that dress, itis pure beauty.

ELAINE

Oh, Romeo.

INT. GELATO STORE- DAY

Jerry, George and Kramer sit in the cramped gelato store,each licking their own gelato cone.

JERRYSo Kramer, are you feeling better?

KRAMER(Like a child)

Yeah.

JERRYGood, Im proud of you, buddy.

KRAMERI know.

While Kramer licks his gelato cone, a woman walks in wearingthe same dress as Elaine.

JERRY(Whispers)

Hey look, that woman is wearing thesame outfit as Elaine. You thinkshe is single?

The old man walks by the store which catches Georgesattention.

(CONTINUED)


18/25

CONTINUED: 17.

GEORGEHey! There goes the pizza thief!

George gets up to quickly, accidentally tripping on his onfeet.

The gelato flies out of his cone and SPLATTERS all over thewoman getting on her dress..

WOMANAhhh!

GEORGEIm so sorry! I tripped, Im sorry!

WOMANYou got Gelato all over my dress!

Jerry stands to intervene.

JERRYIm sorry for my friend here, he isa little bit of a clutz. Im Jerry.

She smirks.

WOMANJuliet.

George starts to use his wet napkin to clean the stain.

JERRY

George!

GEORGEIm sorry, I can get it out.

He puts his hand under her dress making her squeal.

JERRYGeorge!

Jerry slaps his hand forcing George to drop the napkin.Jerry takes a deep breath and pulls out his wallet.

JERRYPlease, let me pay for your gelato,Juliet.

They walk towards the gelato display and Juliet gets a cone.

(CONTINUED)


19/25

CONTINUED: 18.

JERRYDo you want to get out of here?

She cant wait to get away from George and pulls his handtowards the door.

KRAMERJerry, where are you two going?

JERRYOh Kramer, I think were going to gofor a walk.

KRAMERYoure leaving me too?

JERRYIm sorry Kramer, its just.

He gestures at Juliet and they both walk out the store.

KRAMER(To George)

I guess its just us two buddy.

GEORGEIf I leave now I can still catch upwith the old guy.

Kramer grabs on to Georges arm.

KRAMER

Dont leave me!

GEORGEIm sorry Kramer, I have to.

Kramer resists letting go of Georges arm, but Georgefinally gets him to release.

Kramer sits alone for a moment licking the last of hisgelato cone.

The GELATO EMPLOYEE walks up to Kramer and starts to pullhim out of the seat.

EMPLOYEENo single person at the tables! Getup, you cant sit here by yourself!Standing room outside only!

In the window Elaine and Romeo walk passed.

(CONTINUED)


20/25

CONTINUED: 19.

KRAMERRomeo?

They stop, look inside and see Kramer struggling as he isbeing thrown out, but quickly walk past.

KRAMERRomeo?

Kramer runs out the door.

EXT. GELATO STORE-CONTINUOUS

He stand outside and see Elaine and Romeo walking awaybriskly.

He falls to his knees.

KRAMER(Yelling towards the sky)

Romeo!

INT. CAFE- DAY

Jerry and Juliet sit at a cafe sipping on cappuccinos.

JERRYNothings better than a cup ofcoffee after some good gelato.

JULIETIts a cappuccino.

JERRYWhatever... thats a lovely dress,its a Betsy Lane Fall collectioncorrect?

Juliet seems impressed.

JULIETHow did you know?

JERRYLucky guess.

Jerry takes a sip of his coffee.


21/25

20.

EXT. SIDE WALK- DAY

George walks down a street looking for the old man. He getsto a corner, stops, looks every direction, finally decidingto proceed to the left.

EXT. SIDE WALK- DAY

Kramer is walking alone on the side walk when heaccidentally bumps into the old man.

KRAMERIm so sorry about that.

Kramer stands up and gives the old man a hand to stand up atthe same time George walks up.

OLD MAN

You tackled me!

He notices George and points at him.

OLD MANYou, you did this to me on purpose!Get out of here before I call thepolice!

KRAMERWhat? What! It was an accident!

OLD MAN

Help! Help!

George runs away in fright leaving Kramer alone.

INT. CAFE- DAY

Jerry and Juliet are laughing. A waitress walks Elaine andRomeo to the table right next to them.

ELAINEJerry?

JERRYElaine.

JULIETRomeo?

(CONTINUED)


22/25

CONTINUED: 21.

ROMEO(America Accent)

Juliet.

JERRYRomeo--

ELAINEand Juliet?

Romeo is taken aback by Juliets beauty.

ROMEOJuliet, that dress looks amazing onyou.

JULIETOh, Romeo!

ROMEOI should have never broken up withyou.

Juliet turns to Jerry. Elaine is breathless, staring atRome. Finally she snaps out of her gaze.

ELAINEWell, there goes my fantasy.

Jerry and Elaine sit looking at each other as Romeo andJuliet grab each others hand and leave.

Jerry and Elaine, unfazed, stare at each other.

JERRYSo, you want to go to the diner?

ELAINEYep!

They both stand up and walk out the door.

INT. DINER- NIGHT

Jerry and Elaine sit inside there usual booth sipping hiscoffee.

JERRYThis is much better, MUCH BETTER. Icant believe George talked me intogoing.

(CONTINUED)


23/25

CONTINUED: 22.

ELAINEIm still a dumpee. I was thisclose to becoming the dumper again!

JERRYAt least we got dumped together.

ELAINEThat does make me happy..

Jerry, rises his coffee cup in a motion of a CHEERS, takinga sip.

George anxiously walks into the diner, happy and relieved tosee them.

GEORGEThank god.

George takes a seat next to Elaine and across from Jerry.

JERRYHow could you talk me into leavingmy 5 block radius? I know theradius, the radius was put up for areason! I would never give up thecomfort of a grilled cheesesandwich, never, NEVER!

GEORGEIm sorry, Jerry.

JERRYWhat ended up happening to you? Isaw you running.

ELAINEYou didnt say anything.

JERRY(Re:Elaine)

Didnt feel like it.

Elaine understands.

GEORGEIt was the old man from Tonys.

Kramer walks in, happy as can be, greeting the guys in thebooth.

(CONTINUED)


24/25

CONTINUED: 23.

KRAMERHello everybody!

He takes a seat.

JERRY

Last I saw of you, you werewhimpering? Whats changed?

KRAMERWell you know Romeo?

Kramer waits for them to reply as if they wouldnt rememberwho he was.

GEORGE/ELAINE/JERRYYeah!

KRAMER

That wasnt the real Romeo! Thatwas Little Romeo, Romeos son.

They tilt there heads in shock.

JERRYThis is unbelievable.

Jerry snaps his fingers.

JERRYWhat did you write about me in theletters?

Kramer laughs to himself and pretends to zip his mouth shut,throwing away the key.

GEORGEHow did you figure this out?

Kramer looks George straight in the eyes.

The doors to the diner swing open and in comes the realRomeo, the old man.

OLD MAN/ROMEOMr. Kramer

Georges face drops when he turns around and see the oldman.

OLD MAN/ROMEOYou?

(CONTINUED)


25/25

CONTINUED: 24.

GEORGENo thank you.

Fade out

The end.

Seinfeld The Pizza Thief

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