308 Writing – Scored Work Samples - CIM

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SCORED WORK SAMPLES: CIM

To meet the standard in the 2002-2003 school year, a CIM student must produce three writing work samples, one persuasive, one expository, and one that is either narrative or imaginative. Each work sample must achieve scores of 4 or higher in ideas and content, organization, sentence fluency and conventions. The collection may include a research paper but it is not required.

Collection 1: Almost Meets Standard

• “Having a Separate Middle School” (persuasive)

• “Barrel Racing” (expository)

• “Rounding Up the Herd” (narrative)

This collection does not yet meet the standard. Although it includes three types of writing, (persuasive, expository, and narrative), one paper (the persuasive paper) received scores lower than a 4 in one of the required traits. The accompanying score sheets provide more detail about how the individual papers in this collection were scored.

Collection 2: Meets Standard

• “Foreign Languages by Satellite” (persuasive)

• “Body Surfing in Hawaii” (narrative)

• “Till We Have Faces” (expository)

This collection meets the standard. It includes three types of writing, (persuasive, narrative, and expository). All papers received scores of 4 or higher in the required traits, so the collection meets the standard. The accompanying score sheets provide more detail about how the individual papers in this collection were scored. For the paper, “Till We Have Faces,” the student made handwritten corrections to the original typed paper. In this version, those changes are shown in an alternate typeface.

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SCORE SHEET – CIM CLASSROOM ASSIGNMENT: Persuasive Paper

Title: Having a Separate Middle School Must score 4 or higher in the four traits below to meet the standard.

Ideas and Content Organization

6 5 4 3 2 1 6 5 4 3 2 1

Sentence Fluency Conventions

6 5 4 3 2 1 6 5 4 3 2 1

The bold, italic passages are taken from the official writing scoring guide. Ideas and Content: The paper scores a 4 in ideas and content. The writing is clear and focused: “Grades five through eight should be combined and made separate from the high schoolers.” Supporting details are relevant, but overly general or limited in places: “The money required to pay teachers and get new resources would be less, due to the fact that we already have two teachers and most of the resources needed to teach these particular students. The money that would be spent is worth spending because it would give students an enjoyable learning environment.” The topic is explored; however, developmental details are out of balance. Much emphasis is placed on educational and social benefits; little in-depth attention is placed on practical issues of facilities and fiscal impact. Organization: The paper scores a 4 in organization. Order and structure are present, but seem formulaic. A developed beginning provides background to the issue and clarifies the position of the writer. Reasons supporting particular points of view are presented and followed by reasons supporting counter points of view. Transitions between paragraphs are sometimes weak. The piece ends with a strong statement summarizing best supporting argument: “Having their own middle school environment would give them the time they need to gain the confidence and learning skills needed as they progress through high school and on into the future.” Sentence Fluency: The paper scores a 4 in sentence fluency. There is strong control over simple sentence structures, but variable control

over more complex sentences: “This is a definite loss, but they would make up for this by having the advantage of being able to control what rules and policies would affect them and they would have a smaller group to work with.” “In turn the middle school students would have an advantage in leadership skills, while working their way to high school.” At one point, a fragment detracts from the natural flow of the piece: “Undoubtedly cutting down on the “traffic jam” and making these breaks and class times more enjoyable for students during the school day.” Conventions: The paper scores a high 3 in conventions. This paper almost meets the standard, but the writing demonstrates limited control of standard writing conventions. Strengths include correct spelling and appropriate use of question marks and hyphenated words. There are several errors involving plurals and possessives: “This would be a minor problem, because the middle school has already got it’s own sports programs.” “This government would also produce middle school representatives who could get many more of the younger students ideas across to the older student’s in a more effective way.” Internal punctuation contains some errors: “This is a definite loss, but they would make up for this by having the advantage of being able to control what rules and policies would affect them and they would have a smaller group to work with.” Occasional errors in grammar and usage do not block meaning but distract the reader. • • • • • • • • Student work at CIM is not required to meet specific standards in Voice or Word Choice. The scores and comments below may be helpful for instructional purposes. Voice: The paper scores a 4 in voice. The writer demonstrates commitment to the topic but is somewhat stiff at times: “In turn the middle school students would have an advantage in leadership skills . . . . Having these activities should improve learning abilities and the desire to work in their own units.” Word Choice: The paper scores a 5 in word choice. Vocabulary is striking and varied but not overdone: “. . . after the bell there is a ‘bumper-to-bumper pile-up in the halls. . . .” Words are accurate and specific and seem carefully chosen: “The students could be building their own government and in doing this, they could feel even more independent.”.

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SCORE SHEET – CIM CLASSROOM ASSIGNMENT: Expository Paper

Title: Understanding the Thrill of Barrel Racing Must score 4 or higher in the four traits below to meet the standard.

Ideas and Content Organization

6 5 4 3 2 1 6 5 4 3 2 1

Sentence Fluency Conventions

6 5 4 3 2 1 6 5 4 3 2 1

The bold, italic passages are taken from the official writing scoring guide.

Ideas and Content: The paper scores a 5 in ideas and content. The paper presents a balanced exploration of the topic and makes connections and insights that are effectively communicated to the reader. The reader first learns about the emotional rush that comes with barrel racing and then, through a vividly described scenario, can actually imagine him or herself reliving the race as if he or she had been there. Details are relevant and carefully selected: “As I bring my horse to the “lime line,” she jumps a little. I pull back on the reins. It feels as if I’m holding back a missile about to shoot off into the air. I turn her in a wide beginning turn to get her in the right lead. I give her a quick pop with my crop and away we go!”

Organization: The paper scores a 5 in organization. The organization enhances the central ideas and their development. The paper effectively moves from explaining the contest to describing the feeling associated with it to explaining why it is a source of so much satisfaction. An inviting beginning draws the reader in and the conclusion provides a satisfying sense of closure.

Sentence Fluency: The paper scores a high 5 in sentence fluency. Sentences are carefully crafted, with strong and varied structure. The

piece is characterized by both longer complex sentences that contain colorful descriptive phrases and short, emphatic, simple sentences. Even with this combination of sentence structures, the writing has an easy flow: “Letting out a yell, I urge my horse on. The clock is ticking. Coming around the last barrel, she turns so sharply, I feel as if I could reach out and touch the ground.” Conventions: The paper scores a 5 in conventions. In spite of a typographical oversight in the first sentence and an error in the use of a direct quote in the sixth paragraph, the writing demonstrates use of a wide range of conventions, including appropriate exclamation points, a parenthetical explanation, and flawless spelling: “As she goes into the first turn, I lean with her, my knee barely skimming the edge of the barrel. Reaching far down on her neck, I find the reins and pull her in snug with the barrel.” Errors are so few and so minor that they do not impede readability.

• • • • • • • • Student work at CIM is not required to meet specific standards in Voice or Word Choice. The scores and comments below may be helpful for instructional purposes. Voice: The paper scores a high 5 in voice. The writing is engaging and sincere. The reader discerns the writer behind the words and feels a sense of interaction: “There’s no sound besides my voice and the sound of my horse’s hooves digging deep in the dirt.” Word Choice: The paper scores a high 4 in word choice. Words convey the intended message, but are somewhat lacking in interest, energy and precision: “Can you imagine going so fast it’s like flying. . .” “I feel as if I could reach out and touch the ground.” However, the writing does have some fine moments: “As I bring my horse to the “lime line,” she jumps a little. I pull back on the reins. It feels as if I’m holding back a missile about to shoot off into the air. I turn her in a wide beginning turn to get her in the right lead. I give her a quick pop with my crop and away we go!”

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SCORE SHEET – CIM CLASSROOM ASSIGNMENT: Narrative Paper

Title: Rounding Up the Herd Must score 4 or higher in the four traits below to meet the standard.

Ideas and Content Organization

6 5 4 3 2 1 6 5 4 3 2 1

Sentence Fluency Conventions

6 5 4 3 2 1 6 5 4 3 2 1

The bold, italic passages are taken from the official writing scoring guide.

Ideas and Content: The paper scores a 5 in ideas and content. The writing is clear, focused and controlled. A description of the heat and humidity establish a mood at the beginning of the story, and the retelling of the mother’s directions provides a focus for the paper. The writer uses detailed descriptions of sights, smells and sounds and explains her inner thoughts as (s)he and Cricket attempt to outsmart the herd and corral them. The writer makes connections and shares insights. The relationship of the writer with the horse and the satisfaction that the writer feels at the end of the story seem credible.

Organization: The paper scores a 4 in organization. Order and structure are present. Although the organization is predictable, the chronological sequence helps the reader move from one event to the next. The story engages the reader in the competitive game played by the rider, the horse and the herd and concludes with a satisfying ending. The paper has a body that is easy to follow with details that fit where placed.

Sentence Fluency: The paper scores a 5 in sentence fluency. Sentences are carefully crafted, with strong and varied structure that makes expressive oral reading easy and enjoyable. Sentence structure enhances meaning by contributing to the development of

mood and drawing the reader into the energy of the round-up: “Back and forth Cricket and I flew, pushing the herd little by little, trying to catch any stragglers that fell behind, because Cricket and I both knew that if one went, they all would.”

Conventions: The paper scores a high 4 in conventions. The writing demonstrates control of standard writing conventions. Minor errors do not impede readability. Occasional lapses in correct grammar and usage do not distort meaning or confuse the reader: “Turning my head just in time, I noticed a calf hesitate, and began to dart away from the herd.” There are occasional internal punctuation errors. With careful proofreading and a few revisions, the paper would exceed standard in writing conventions.

• • • • • • • •

Student work at CIM is not required to meet specific standards in Voice or Word Choice. The scores and comments below may be helpful for instructional purposes.

Voice : The paper scores a 5 in voice. The writing is expressive, engaging and sincere. The writer has chosen an appropriate voice for the audience, and the reader can discern the writer behind the words: “Smiling to myself, I watched, seeing that Cricket enjoyed this as greatly as I did . . . .” “Slowly, as the last few cows entered the corral, I leaped down and wrapped my arms around Cricket’s neck. ‘That’s what it’s about, huh, Cricket! That’s what it’s all about!’”

Word Choice: The paper scores a 5 in word choice. The writer uses precise words in a natural way that help engage the reader in what might be an unfamiliar activity: “. . . I watched, seeing that Cricket enjoyed this as greatly as I did, the way her ears stood straight up, as if daring a cow to challenge her. ‘Pick up!’ I screamed, and before I could utter another word, Cricket whirled around, bolting toward the calf.” Words evoke clear images; figurative language is used: “It was a beautiful day, and the only sounds were the saddle crying out in quiet squeaks and the gravel crumbling under-foot.”

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SCORE SHEET – CIM CLASSROOM ASSIGNMENT: Persuasive Paper

Title: Foreign Languages by Satellite Must score 4 or higher in the four traits below to meet the standard.

Ideas and Content Organization

6 5 4 3 2 1 6 5 4 3 2 1

Sentence Fluency Conventions

6 5 4 3 2 1 6 5 4 3 2 1

The bold, italic passages are taken from the official writing scoring guide.

Ideas and Content: The paper scores a 5 in ideas and content. The paper demonstrates clarity, focus and control throughout. The introduction provides background information and clarifies the purpose. Main ideas are supported with relevant, carefully selected details. The writer acknowledges the foremost reasons for offering satellite courses and presents counter positions, by sharing insights and providing specific examples, that support the proposal. The writing presents a balanced exploration of the topic.

Organization: The paper scores a low 5 in organization. Order is strong and helps the reader through the text. The structure is formulaic but nevertheless highly effective given the purpose of the paper. Effective transitions connect ideas and details within paragraphs; however, transitions are somewhat weak between paragraphs.

Sentence Fluency: The paper scores a low 5 in sentence fluency. The writing has an easy flow and rhythm. There is variation in sentence structure, length and beginnings that add interest to the text. In all but a few places, the writing has a natural sound and

the reader can move easily through the piece. Occasionally, there are lapses in stylistic control: “Advances in reading and writing the language occur, but not verbally.” Some fairly complex sentence structures are used with variable control: “Other times students need less time on the broadcasts taken up with a certain subject and become bored.”

Conventions: The paper scores a 5 in conventions. The writing demonstrates strong control of standard writing conventions and uses them effectively to enhance communication. The paper shows skill in using a wide range of conventions in a sufficiently long piece.

• • • • • • • •

Student work at CIM is not required to meet specific standards in Voice or Word Choice. The scores and comments below may be helpful for instructional purposes.

Voice: The paper scores a 5 in voice. The writer has chosen a voice appropriate for the topic, purpose and audience. The writer has a strong sense of the audience and effectively communicates ideas about a serious topic in a way that is engaging and sincere.

Word Choice: The paper scores a low 6 in word choice. Part of the paper’s strength is derived from the writer’s ability to use clear and precise language. Accurate, strong, specific words energize the writing: “For students who are involved in the program, this means watching a taped broadcast monitored by a coordinator during their language class. A hotline with a 1-800 number is available for students to ask questions, practice speaking, and get help on assignments.” The writer establishes a great deal of credibility with the reader.

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SCORE SHEET – CIM CLASSROOM ASSIGNMENT: Narrative Paper

Title: Body Surfing in Hawaii Must score 4 or higher in the four traits below to meet the standard.

Ideas and Content Organization

6 5 4 3 2 1 6 5 4 3 2 1

Sentence Fluency Conventions

6 5 4 3 2 1 6 5 4 3 2 1

The bold, italic passages are taken from the official writing scoring guide.

Ideas and Content: The paper scores a low 4 in ideas and content. The reader can easily understand the main ideas. Supporting details are relevant but may be overly general in places. Without referring to the title, it is somewhat difficult to tell if the piece is about taking pictures of beautiful scenery, swimming in the ocean, or meeting the challenge of conquering a big wave. Although developmental details may occasionally be out of balance with the main ideas, the topic is adequately explored.

Organization: The paper scores a 4 in organization. Order and structure are present, but seem formulaic. Events take place in the course of a day and are presented in time sequence. A more creative approach to organizing the narrative would support the development of a clear focus and distinct mood. Transitions between ideas and sentences are sometimes weak: “I walked down the beach looking for the group so I could flash some shots of Coste in the water. You should have seen those white legs.” “Looking closer, sure enough-there they were, their heads bobbing up and down just above the water. Jogging back on shore, Coste motioned for me to come in.”

Sentence Fluency: The paper scores a 5 in sentence fluency. Sentences are carefully crafted, with strong and varied structure: “Piling out of our taxi cab onto a cement road at the head of a mountain, we started down a dirt trail. I couldn’t wait for Coste to pay the taxi cab driver, and apparently no one else could either because we all started inching downward.” Dialogue sounds natural.

Conventions: The paper scores a high 4 in conventions. The writing demonstrates control of standard writing conventions. Minor errors, while perhaps noticeable, do not impede readability. One distracting error seems to be a careless oversight rather than an indicator of skill: “As a small ripple the water was grew and was coming toward me.” There is a moderate need for editing to polish the text for publication.

• • • • • • • •

Student work at CIM is not required to meet specific standards in Voice or Word Choice. The scores and comments below may be helpful for instructional purposes.

Voice: The paper scores a low 4 in voice. A voice is present, and there is generally a sense of the writer. The writer is aware of the reader, but there is a tendency to tell the reader what to think rather than allowing the reader to form interpretations or create visual pictures: “I began to get a strange feeling in my stomach as the next wave was building. I was determined this wave was mine!”

Word Choice: The paper scores a 5 in word choice. Words are accurate, specific and energize the writing: “As I got into the water, it began to tug and pull at me, pulling me out in the warm, rushing water. I seemed caught in the action.” Figurative language is used: “The wave had caught me, or rather I had caught it. It was a feeling somewhat like flying.”

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SCORE SHEET – CIM CLASSROOM ASSIGNMENT: Expository Paper

Title: Till We Have Faces Must score 4 or higher in the four traits below to meet the standard.

Ideas and Content Organization

6 5 4 3 2 1 6 5 4 3 2 1

Sentence Fluency Conventions

6 5 4 3 2 1 6 5 4 3 2 1

The bold, italic passages are taken from the official writing scoring guide.

Ideas and Content : The paper scores a 4 in ideas and content. Each of the responses to the various questions is clear and focused, and the reader can easily understand the main ideas. Supporting details are relevant, but overly general or limited in places; this is especially true in the response to question #6.

Organization: The paper scores a 4 in organization. Because this piece was written in response to specific questions, the organization follows a prescribed structure. The response to question #3, which is long and complex, follows a predictable, chronological sequence to summarize the plot of the book. This response is easy to follow with details that fit where placed. The writer uses effective transitions to move from one part to the next, and there is a recognizable beginning and a sense of closure at the end of the response.

Sentence Fluency: The paper scores a 4 in sentence fluency. The writing flows; however, connections between phrases or sentences may be less than fluid: “The Fox is a wise philosopher and is given the duty of teaching Orual and Redival as practice for the

day when the King will have a son who needs to be given wisdom.” The writing demonstrates strong control over simple sentence structures, but variable control over more complex sentences: “Then she is taken to give her complaint against the gods to be judged, but when she reads the book she wrote they are different words.”

Conventions: The paper scores a 4 in conventions. The writing demonstrates control of standard writing conventions; minor errors, while noticeable, do not impede readability. Spelling, capitalization and punctuation are usually correct; there are occasional grammar and usage errors: “Psyche is . . . loved and cared for by Orual and the Fox, who they sometimes call grandfather.” There is moderate need for editing to polish the text for publication.

• • • • • • • •

Student work at CIM is not required to meet specific standards in Voice or Word Choice. The scores and comments below may be helpful for instructional purposes.

Voice: The paper scores a 3 in voice. A sense of the writer emerges at times, especially in the responses to questions #5 and #6. However, the writer’s voice shifts or disappears in the response to question #3 and the writing is somewhat mechanical in many places.

Word Choice: The paper scores a 4 in word choice. Words effectively convey the intended message. The writing has some fine moments and generally avoids clichés: “Orual is now the Queen and lets the job fully engulf her.”