Presented by Milford Elementary School Counselors Anne Pearlstein MSW Sue Burns M.Ed Allison...

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Transcript of Presented by Milford Elementary School Counselors Anne Pearlstein MSW Sue Burns M.Ed Allison...

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  • Presented by Milford Elementary School Counselors Anne Pearlstein MSW Sue Burns M.Ed Allison Pelletier M.Ed September 19, 2012
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  • An unsolved problem A disagreement between two people that may be the result of different: Ideas Perspectives Priorities Preferences Beliefs Values Goals
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  • There is no one who can help Overwhelming HELP! I can do this I am on my own Its their fault Its my fault Its ok to ask for help Scary A challenge Confusing
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  • Setting Events Divorce & Two household routines Domestic Violence/Substance/Verbal abuse Lack of routine or support Economic stress/anxiety Culture/Modeling at home- How are disagreements handled? How is stress handled? What type of respect & communication is modeled? What coping skills are taught/used by parents
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  • Problems can be seen as: Challenges to overcome Puzzles to be solved Opportunities to grow There are benefits to conflict/problems: Your children learn not to be afraid of problems You teach an optimistic attitude toward problems by modeling a can do attitude Your childrens self esteem will be enhanced Your positive attitude will build a positive relationship with your child
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  • Problem Exploration 1. Define the problem- What? Where? When? How often? 2. Is it challenging a Norm? 3. Who owns the problem? 4. How acceptable is it?
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  • How often is he late? He has been late 4 of the last 5 times Under what circumstances? He went bike riding after school To what extent? Once by 5 minutes and three times by 20-30 minutes
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  • The behaviors are part of a child doing the job of a developmental task Eleven year olds typically: Can tell right from wrong, but dont always do the right thing Likes to argue and prove parent wrong Has a strong conscience Is concerned with self-protection Does not approve of cheating, but still may do so Is it challenging a Norm? Is it still a problem? YES
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  • 5 year olds Children begin to articulate their feelings. ex: Im sorry or Im mad at you More self-control & periods of attention May point out differences in others Can be self-critical & fall apart when frustrated Proud of being a big kid Goes between desiring independence and needing to be babied and reassured Begins to experience more things independent of parents but will still seek reassurance. More awareness of their own and others emotions Need to be taught the fine line between confidence and boasting Perfectionistic Difficulty accepting criticism or punishment See things in black and white Need for security and routine while still calling the shots 6 year olds
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  • 7 year olds More guidance than supervision: food choices, leisure time, chores etc. Need routine for security but can handle changes Own worst critic/desire to fit in Will desire down time or alone time May begin collections Quick changing emotions Critical of others and self Compares self to others Desire for privacy Desire to be part of a groups such as sports, scouts, clubs etc May gravitate towards friends of the same gender Developing understanding of wrong & right can lead to group conflict Developing empathy & perspective 8 year olds
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  • 9 year olds Developing emotional maturity: delayed gratification/helping others Begin to form their own opinions Better able to resolve conflict w/friends Susceptible to stress/anxiety Begin to form strong attachments to friends Desire to win: hate to lose Strong sense of right and wrong/fair Need for distance from parents and desire for social experiences Peer pressure/desire to fit in Insecurities/appearance Entering adolescence Body image and changes Mood swings/volatility Need for self-confidence Thinking independently about who they are. Im a vegetarian or Im a Yankees fan 10 year olds
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  • When something our child does directly effects us in a negative way, then we own the problem When something our child does only affects him and does not directly effect us, then the child owns the problem Sometimes, both own the problem Who is bothered? Mom
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  • Differs by person Varies by our mood Depends on the age of the child Is it still a problem? YES
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  • Introduce the topic: 1. Talk about childs feelings 2. Talk about your feelings 3. Summarize the problem 4. Generate possible solutions
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  • Invite your child to brainstorm mutually acceptable solutions Let the child come up with the first few ideas Refrain from commenting Write down all the ideas
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  • Connor gets to stay out longer- C Connor will ride by the house and tell Mom if he wants more time-C Connor will do his homework while riding his bike.-C Connor completes his homework, before he can ride his bicycle.-M Connor will go out later when his friends are out.-M Connor gets a cell phone so he can call when he will be late.-C
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  • Decide which ideas you like, which you dont and which you want to put into action. You want to be careful about criticizing or putting- down ideas or suggestions you dont like. Generate Solutions Choose the feasible options or create compromises
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  • Make a specific plan What steps do we have to take to get this plan in motion Who will be responsible for what By when will it be done It is critical to insist that your child follow through on agreements.
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  • Connor will complete 15 minutes of homework before he rides his bike He can go out for 30 minutes If he wants more time, he will ride home to ask his mom if it is ok for the schedule for him to stay out for another 30 minutes. If Connor does not abide by this agreement, he cannot ride his bicycle the next day
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  • EVALUATE Set a specific time to evaluate the effectiveness of the plan Make changes as needed
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  • Problem Exploration 1. Define the problem- What? Where? When? How often? 2. Is it challenging a Norm? 3. Who owns the problem? 4. How acceptable is it? 5. Generate and Evaluate Solutions 6. Implement a Plan 7. Evaluate and adjust the plan
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  • Ames, Louise Bates, and Frances Ilg, Your One Year Old,Your Two Year Old, Your Three Year Old Brazelton, T. Berry, Touchpoints Fraiberg, Selma, The Magic Years Gessell, Arnold, and Frances Ilg, The Child From Five to Ten Hewitt, Deborah, So This is Normal Too? Ilg, Frances and Louise Bates Ames, Child Behavior Medina, John, Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five
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  • For Older Children (ages three or four years and above) Clarke, Jean Illsley, Growing Up Again Coloroso, Barbara, Kids Are Worth It Crary, Elizabeth, Kids can Cooperate Kurcinka, Mary Sheedy, Kids, Parents and Power Struggles Nelsen, Jane, Positive Discipline Silberman & Wheelen, How to Discipline Without Feeling Guilty Silberman, Mel, Confident Parenting Swift, Madeline, Discipline for Life: Getting it Right With Children