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Donna  Eden  and  David  Feinstein,  PhD    Relationship  as  Spiritual  Journey  

 

 

To  accompany  their  audio  interview,  Donna  Eden  and  David  Feinstein,  PhD  selected  this  excerpt  from  Chapter  9  of  their  book  The  Energies  of  Love  (New  York:  Tarcher/Penguin,  Sept.  2014,  www.TheEnergiesofLove.com).  The  chapter  is  called  “Conscious  Partnering”  and  this  selection  is  called  “Seven  Qualities  of  Conscious  Partnering.”    

Seven  Qualities  of  Conscious  Partnering  Qualities  of  consciousness  that  support  a  richer  relationship  can  be  cultivated  through:  

.  .  .  an  intention  to  bring  the  vast  resources  of  our  subconscious  minds  into  our  relationship.  Even  in  our   darkest   times,   if   we   have   stayed   open   to   the   possibility   that   a   new   and   deeper   under-­‐standing   is   going   to   emerge—rather   than   becoming   locked   in   stagnation   or   hopelessness—something   fresh   and   sustaining   usually   takes   bloom.   Rather   than   a  mental   state   you   have   to  work  hard  to  attain,  this  gradual  opening  to  ever-­‐deeper  parts  of  your  being  is  a  natural,  though  uneven  part  of  personal  evolution.  Expect  it;  welcome  it;  cultivate  it;  relax  into  it.      

.   .   .   an   intention   to   bring   into   consciousness   unacknowledged   impulses,   motivations,   and   beliefs.  When  we   find   ourselves   caught   in   self-­‐defeating   patterns,   our   commitment   is   to   look   deeper  and   courageously   stare   them   down   at   their   source.   Beneath   your   personality   and   defenses  dwells  a  universe  of  unnamed  forces  and  vulnerabilities  which  are  revealed  in  your  unconscious  proclivities   and   automatic   behaviors.   Creating  with   your   partner   a   context  where   it   is   safe   to  share  your  deeper  workings  brings  them  into  your  awareness.  Recognizing  and  accepting  them  may  sometimes  seem  overwhelming,  but  it  ultimately  makes  you  and  your  relationship  stronger,  not  weaker.    

.  .  .  an  intention  to  address  these  internal  conflicts  and  outdated  learnings  which  had  been  operating  beneath  our  consciousness.  Not  only  are  we  committed  to  recognize  deep  sources  of  conflict  or  dysfunction  tracing  to  our  personal  histories  or  simply  our  lack  of  wisdom,  we  are  determined  to  utilize   that   information   for   our   evolution.  When   internal   conflicts   and   outdated   learnings   are  brought  into  the  light,  they  become  less  onerous  and  can  be  creatively  and  actively  resolved  or  

 

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transformed.   Energy   medicine   and   energy   psychology   give   you   particularly   powerful   tools.  Accepting  and  working  with  your  foibles  also  builds  trust  and  intimacy  with  your  partner.      

.   .   .   an   intention   to   keep   focusing   on   what   is   beneficial   and   empowering.   We   are   committed   to  recognizing   the   strengths   within   us   and   the   resources   around   us   even   when   feeling   lost,  judgmental,  or  uncertain.  You  and  your  relationship  flourish  when  your  personal  strengths  and  the  strengths  of  your  partnership  are  registered  and  acknowledged—far  more  than  when  your  shortcomings  get  the  focus.  A  tendency  to  scan  for  what  is  right  rather  than  what  is  wrong  can,  as  is  discussed  later  in  this  chapter,  be  cultivated.    

.  .  .  an  intention  to  process  the  past  and  envision  the  future  in  ways  that  bring  out  the  best  in  each  of  us  and   in  our  relationship.  We  are  committed  to  viewing  our  own  and  our  partner’s  needs   for  change   and   growth   as   opportunities   rather   than   liabilities.   Relationship   is   a   challenge   to  completely  accept  and  appreciate  what  is.  Relationship  is  also  a  challenge  to  actively  transform  what  is  into  what  can  be.  The  visions  you  hold  about  what  is  possible  and  desirable  become  the  maps  that  will  lead  you  into  your  future.  

.   .   .   an   intention   to  bring  up   tough   topics   in   a   loving  and   constructive  way.  We  are   committed   to  processing   our   own   negative   feelings   in   a   manner   that   allows   us   to   treat   one   another   with  kindness.  Studies  on  the  characteristics  of  marital  success  have  shown  again  and  again  that  it  is  not  the  amount  of  conflict  couples  have  between  them—all  couples  have  areas  of  friction—but  rather  the  way  they  resolve  their  differences.  Specifically,  the  quality  of  the  partners’  emotional  responsiveness   to  one  another  predicts   longevity   in  a  marriage.  Register   the  way  your  actions  impact  your  partner’s  feelings  and  use  that  understanding  to  treat  your  partner  like  a  king  or  a  queen.  

.  .  .  an  intention  to  stay  receptive  to  one  another’s  evolving  beauty.  We  are  committed  to  using  the  power  of  our  minds  and  imaginations  to  see  one  another  anew  and  with  profound  appreciation  and   respect   for   the   other’s   journey   and   challenges.   When   you   deeply   witness   another’s  struggles   and   striving   to   bring   forth   into   the  world   that  which   is   beautiful   and  worthy  within  them,  love  is  ever  renewed.    

While  good  intentions  have  gotten  a  bad  rap—you  know  which  road  is  paved  with  them—you  can   use   your   understanding   of   the   body’s   energies   to  make   these   seven   affirmations  more   than   just  platitudes.  Doing  a   round  of  energy  psychology  tapping   (Chapter  6)  while  mindfully  stating  one  of   the  intentions  as  you  tap  on  each  point  embeds  the  words  and  their  meaning  into  your  energy  system.  An  even  simpler  way  for  incorporating  the  meaning  of  a  statement  into  your  nervous  system  is  to  say  the  words   out   loud,   as   an   affirmation,   while   you   slowly   and   consciously   do   a   “Zip-­‐up”   (p.   ##).   Choose   a  quality  from  the  above  discussion  that  you  would  particularly  like  to  develop,  adapt  the  first  or  second  sentence   in   the  description   to   your   liking,   and   “tap   it   in”  or   “zip   it   in”  every  day   for   a  week.   You  will  notice   its   expanding   role   in   your  mental   outlook.   If   an   internal   objection   to   incorporating   the   quality  arises  (e.g.,  “I  am  too  angry  to  want  to  bring  up  these  tough  issues  in  a  loving  way”),  give  the  intensity  of  the   internal  objection  a  0   to  10   rating  and  use   the  energy  psychology  protocol   to  bring   that   intensity  down  to  0.  This  may  not  fully  resolve  your  anger  or  other  emotion,  but   it  will  allow  the  affirmation  to  begin  to  take  hold.  Conscious  partnering  is  within  your  grasp.