Peter Pan - Lakeshore Players...

Peter Pan In Our Own Words

by the 2017 Summer Youth Players

Lakeshore Players Theatre White Bear Lake, MN

Based on the book Peter and Wendy

by J.M. Barrie

Cast of Characters

● Narrator ● Mrs. Darling ● Mr. Darling ● Nana ● Liza ● Wendy ● John ● Michael ● Peter Pan ● Tinker Bell ● Lost Boys

○ Tootles ○ Nibs ○ Slightly ○ Curly ○ Twin 1 ○ Twin 2

● Hippies ○ Tiger Lily ○ Great Big Little Panther ○ Lean Wolf

● Pirates ○ Captain Hook ○ Cecco ○ Cookson ○ Gentleman Starkey ○ Smee ○ Noodler ○ Robert Mullins ○ Alf Mason ○ George Scourie ○ Charles Turley ○ Alsatian Fogarty ○ Ed Teynte

● Mermaids ○ Tail-or ○ Finiqua ○ Waverly

● The Never Bird

Peter Pan: In Our Own Words - 1

Table of Contents

Scene 1 3

Scene 2 5

Scene 3 16

Scene 4 28

Scene 5 35

Intermission 48

Scene 6 49

Scene 7 53

Scene 8 61

Scene 9 67

Scene 10 72

Scene 11 83

Scene 12 88

The End 93

A note on formatting: all dialogue begins with capitalized and bolded character names, and all stage directions are italicized. For stage directions within a line of dialogue, look for parentheses in addition to italics. For instance:

A woman walks onto the stage. She is our NARRATOR, and she addresses the audience directly. NARRATOR: When I say the name, “Peter,” what do you think of?(Pausing) You’ve forgotten, haven’t you?


Scene 1

The prologue, in which we meet the NARRATOR and set the stage. Characters: NARRATOR, MERMAIDS, NEVER BIRD, HIPPIES, LOST BOYS, PIRATES

A woman walks onto the stage. She is our NARRATOR, and she addresses the audience directly. NARRATOR: When I say the name, “Peter,” what do you think of?(Pausing) You’ve forgotten, haven’t you? You see, all young people know Peter Pan, the hero of Neverland. The boy--and the place--live in the corners of a child’s mind as they drift off to sleep each night. And as you grow older, you grow bigger-- (Points to audience member) THIS guy knows what I’m talking about--and you start to forget. But you’ve been there, all of you. I promise. You know the mermaids who live in the lagoon… MERMAIDS enter, hopping on their tails. They wave to the audience. The NEVER BIRD enters with them, looking awkward. NARRATOR: (To NEVER BIRD) Wait, you’re not a mermaid. NEVER BIRD: Hellooo! NARRATOR: Uh, you know Tiger Lily and her companions… The HIPPIES enter as well. They flash peace signs to the audience. TIGER LILY: Whoa, a crowd. Far out! NARRATOR: Of course, you’ve met Peter’s Lost Boys. The LOST BOYS enter, jostling each other for position. TOOTLES: We’re more of a collective, really. No one’s really in charge. TWIN 1: You wish! TWIN 2: As if!


This gets them to jostling again. NARRATOR: You may even remember the dastardly Captain Hook and his crew of sea dogs. The PIRATES enter, separate from the rest. HOOK: Sing, you dogs! PIRATES: (Singing)

Yo ho, yo ho, the pirate life, The flag o' skull and bones, A merry hour, a hempen rope, And hey for Davy Jones.

NARRATOR: Bunch of jerks, but at least they can carry a tune. Anyway, remember them or not, they’re all just players in the tale of Peter Pan. Everyone else on stage turns indignantly. ALL: Hey! NARRATOR: Okay, okay, that’s not ENTIRELY true. This isn’t just the story of Peter Pan. HOOK: THANK you. NARRATOR: It’s also the story of Wendy Moira Angela Darling. The other characters are too disgusted at this. They exit, grumbling. NARRATOR: Er, yes. Anyway. This is the story of Peter and Wendy.


Scene 2

In which we meet the Darling household, PETER, and TINKER BELL, and the children leave the house. Characters: NARRATOR, MR. DARLING, MRS. DARLING, NANA, LIZA, WENDY, JOHN, MICHAEL, PETER, TINKER BELL

NARRATOR: Ah, the old Darling family. (Characters enter as they are introduced) Mrs. Darling married her oh-so-loving husband, Mr. Darling. They had three children. First came Wendy. Originally, the Darling parents weren't sure if they could keep her, because she would be another mouth to feed. WENDY: What? NARRATOR: (Continues, unperturbed) When she was born, Mr. Darling started calculating expenses about food, illnesses, so on, and so forth. And then before he could even finish his spreadsheet, there was John. He was such a sweet baby, but…he’s going through a bit of a phase at the moment. JOHN: It’s NOT a phase! NARRATOR: And soon after that came Michael. Tiny, little, baby Michael. MICHAEL: Hey! I’m a BIG boy! NARRATOR: The Darlings also had a maid, Liza, and a loving nurse who took care of the children, named Nana. MR. DARLING: (Shouting, with a stern face) Nana! Come! NANA: (Scurries forward) Yes? MR. DARLING: Time to get the children ready for bed. NANA: Yes, sir. MR. DARLING: (Smiles and pats her head) Good dog!


NANA: (Shouts) Sir, I’ve told you a million times, I am NOT a dog, I’m a NURSE! (MR. DARLING gives her a stern look) Oh, uh, sorry. I’m just going to… NANA hurries the children offstage. The NARRATOR also uses this opportunity to exit.

MR. DARLING: I feel as If she does not respect me as the man of this house. The handsome man of this house. The handsome, strong, magnificent-- MRS. DARLING: (Interrupting) Um, honey, shouldn’t you go get your tie for the party? MR. DARLING: Right. (He exits.) MRS. DARLING: And Liza! LIZA: Yup. MRS. DARLING: Go and fetch the children’s medicine, won’t you? LIZA: Sure. LIZA exits. NANA and the children enter, crossing to the bed. MICHAEL: Bedtime story! Yay! JOHN: Seriously, Mom! I think I'm old enough to choose my own bedtime! (Yawns) MRS. DARLING raises her eyebrows at him in a sassy way, as if to say, “Told you so.” JOHN rolls his eyes and gets into bed next to MICHAEL. NANA begins to quietly read to them from a book. MRS. DARLING: Wendy, come here a moment. WENDY: Yes, Mother? MRS. DARLING: Who is Peter? WENDY: (Giggles) Oh, he is a rather cocky boy… Wait. How do you know Peter?


MRS. DARLING: I heard you mention that name in your sleep last night. Wendy…who IS he? WENDY: He is who you think he is. He’s just Peter. Peter Pan. MRS. DARLING: (Lost in thought) Peter Pan... WENDY: Mom? (Waves her hand in MRS. DARLING’s face and yells) MOTHER! MRS. DARLING: (Breaking out of her trance) Oh, ah, sorry dear. I just feel like I know him from…but he would be grown up by now… WENDY: Oh no, he isn’t grown up, he’s just my size. Oh look! (Picks up a leaf from the floor) Peter must have been here last night. (MRS. DARLING looks at the leaf) That naughty boy needs to learn to clean up. If he doesn’t clean up next time, I’m going to have to give him a time out!

MRS. DARLING: Wendy, whatever do you mean? WENDY: Oops, sorry. Sometimes Peter comes into the room and sits at the foot of my bed and plays the pipes for me. I haven't seen him, but somehow, I always know he's there. MRS. DARLING: (To audience) I feel as if this would be a good time to call the doctor…or maybe home security. (To WENDY) Honey, no one can get into the house without a key. WENDY: I think he comes in through the window. MRS. DARLING: (Laughs) Are you being silly? It’s three floors up! WENDY: Then how did the leaves get here, hmm? (A sly smirk crosses her face) MRS. DARLING: Wendy, if this is true, why didn't you tell me before? WENDY: (Shrugs her shoulders) I forgot.


MRS. DARLING: Okay, I think it's time for you and your brothers to go to bed. You seem quite sleep deprived. (She ushers WENDY over to the others in bed) Good night, my children. She gives them all a kiss on the head. JOHN fakes throwing up. Suddenly, there is a small tinkling noise, and on the shadow screen, we see the form of TINKER BELL flitting about. NANA leaps from the bed, pulling out a nearby baseball bat, and begins to swing it wildly through the air, as if swatting at an insect. MRS. DARLING: Nana! What are you doing? NANA: Does nobody else hear that? There’s something in here! MR. DARLING enters with his tie hanging loosely around his neck. He dodges a wild swing and takes the bat from NANA. The shadow screen darkens, and the tinkling sound subsides. MR. DARLING: Maybe it’s a dog whistle. (NANA glowers at him.) Anyway, that’s the least of our problems. My tie will not tie! And if this tie does not tie, we will not be able to go to the party. And if we do not go the party, I will not get that promotion. And if I do not get that promotion, then we will all starve and the children will be living in the streets!

JOHN: See, THIS is why I write my poetry, you guys. MRS. DARLING: (Rolls her eyes) Come here. (Ties his tie easily) MR. DARLING: (Looks at his tie dumbfounded) Finally! LIZA enters with the medicine. LIZA: Medicine’s here. MRS. DARLING: Alright children, time for your medicine! MICHAEL: NO! I won’t do it! I won’t, I won’t! MR. DARLING: When I was your age, I took my medicine like a man! I would even thank my parents and say, ‘Thank you for giving me my medicine, so that I can grow


up to be a strong, handsome, dashing, magnificent…” Sorry, what were we talking about again? JOHN: (Hair flip) Medicine. MR. DARLING: Oh yeah! Thank you. MR. DARLING gives a spoonful to JOHN. JOHN: Blech! WENDY is next to take her medicine. MICHAEL refuses, clamping his mouth shut. WENDY: Father, isn’t the medicine you take much nastier? MR. DARLING: Oh, much nastier! I would take it right now if I hadn't lost the bottle! LIZA: (Pulling another bottle from her apron) Here it is. MR. DARLING: Oh, uh…I’ll take it later. MICHAEL: (Teasing) Daddy’s a babyyyyy… MR. DARLING: Excuse me, young man! I'm older than you. MICHAEL: Are not! MR. DARLING: Am too! This bickering continues for some time. MRS. DARLING, JOHN, and NANA join in. LIZA ignores everything.

WENDY: Pipe down, pipe down! (When nobody responds) SHUT IT! Everyone does.

WENDY: Ah. Thank you. Now, why don’t you both take your medicine at the same time?


MR. DARLING: Fine. Okay, Michael. On three. MICHAEL: (squeals) Okay! MR. DARLING & MICHAEL: One! Two! Three! MICHAEL actually drinks his, but MR. DARLING fakes it.

WENDY: Father! MRS. DARLING: What happened? JOHN: He faked it. MICHAEL: You tricked me! MR. DARLING: Did not! MICHAEL: Did too! NANA: I saw him do it! MR. DARLING: (Whirling on NANA) Traitor! That’s it, you’re sleeping outside tonight. MR. DARLING grabs her by the ear and drags her offstage. NANA: Ow ow ow ow ow! MR. DARLING: (To MRS. DARLING) I’ll be in the car. MRS. DARLING: Ugh! That man! (Plops down on the bed) Oh, I wish we didn't have to go to the party tonight. The children begin to finally settle for bed. MICHAEL: Is anything bad going to happen when you’re gone? JOHN: Only if you keep talking. Quit whining and let me sleep!


MRS. DARLING: No honey, not while Nana is still here. She may be outside, but she will always protect you. Good night, my dear. She begins to exit. MICHAEL: Mother? I love you. She smiles and walks offstage as the children drift off to sleep. The tinkling sound returns, and the form of TINKER BELL crosses the screen again, and soon after, the actor playing her enters, looking for something. She carries a bell. TINKER BELL: (Tinkles) The NARRATOR quickly reappears.

NARRATOR: This is Tinker Bell. Say hi, Tink. TINKER BELL: (Tinkles to audience) NARRATOR: Yeah, that’s how she talks. Only Peter and the inhabitants of Neverland can understand her twinkling. But anyway. I thought I should put that in there. Now, where were we? The form of PETER PAN flies across the shadow screen. TINKER BELL gestures to him. NARRATOR: Ah, of course! Here he comes. NARRATOR exits, as PETER PAN enters. PETER: Tink? Tink, where are you!

TINKER BELL: (Tinkles) PETER: Oh, hi. You’re so small, I didn’t see you there. TINKER BELL: (Angrily tinkles) PETER: Anyway, this is the last place I remember having it. Now, where is it?


TINKER BELL: (Tinkles and shrugs) PETER: Well, start looking! They look all over the room, searching. The children remain asleep until PETER finds something under the bed. It is his shadow. As he pulls it free, he tumbles backwards. He starts crying, which wakes WENDY. WENDY: Oh, hello! PETER: (Immediately stops crying) ‘Sup?

PETER : What's your name? WENDY: Wendy Moira Angela Darling…and yours? PETER: You know my name. WENDY: Peter! It’s you! PETER: Bingo. WENDY: My mother has been asking about you. PETER: Grownups, ew. WENDY: Peter, where do you come from? PETER: Second star to the right, and then straight on till morning! WENDY: What a funny address! Is that what they put on your letters? PETER: Don’t get any letters. WENDY: Doesn’t your mother get any letters? PETER: Don’t got one. WENDY: (gasps) Oh Peter, no wonder you were crying!


PETER: I wasn’t crying about mothers, I was crying because my shadow is busted. And besides. I wasn't crying. WENDY: It came off? (PETER nods) Oh, no! Well, let me help you reattach it. WENDY takes the shadow from PETER and tries to figure out how to reattach it. It is difficult. Eventually, she just stuffs it down his shirt with a shrug. WENDY: There. PETER: (Celebrating) I did it! I did it! WENDY: YOU did it? You mean, I did it. PETER: Yes! I did it! WENDY: Well, if you did all the work, then I guess I’m no use to you now. Goodnight! WENDY runs to the bed and covers her face with her hands. PETER rushes over to her.

PETER: Oh, Wendy, I'm sorry! I can’t help it! (WENDY sits up, but doesn't look at PETER yet) Wendy… (She slowly looks up at him) A girl is worth over a hundred boys. WENDY: Do you really think so? PETER: I truly do. WENDY: Peter, how old are you? PETER: I…I don't know. I’m quite young. You see, I ran away the day I was born. It was because I heard my father and mother, talking about what I was to be when I became a man. And I don't want ever to be a man, I want always to be a little boy and have fun. So I ran away and lived among the fairies, like Tinker Bell here. TINKER BELL: (Tinkles) WENDY: What’s a fairy?


TINKER BELL rolls her eyes at this. PETER: You see Wendy, when the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into thousands of pieces and they all went flying about. That was the beginning of fairies. And so, for every boy or girl there should be a fairy. WENDY: Should be? Isn't there? PETER: Sadly, no. You see, children these days don't seem to believe in fairies, and every time a child says, “I don't believe in fairies,” a fairy dies!

TINKER BELL: (Tinkles sadly) WENDY: Well, Tinker Bell is beautiful! I wish she was my fairy! TINKER BELL: (Turns toward PETER, sassy tinkles) WENDY: What did she say? PETER: Um, never mind. TINKER BELL turns away smugly. Suddenly, PETER notices JOHN and MICHAEL, still asleep. PETER: You’ve got boys? That’s perfect! I need more Lost Boys! WENDY: What are Lost Boys? PETER: They’re the children who fall out of their strollers when the nurse is looking the other way. But we are quite lonely. We have no girls to play with. (Deciding) That’s it, YOU’RE ALL COMING TO NEVERLAND! His shout wakes JOHN and MICHAEL. MICHAEL: Ahhh! JOHN: Who's there? PETER: Peter Pan, of course! And I'm going to teach you all to fly.


WENDY, JOHN, & MICHAEL: What!? PETER: We are going to Neverland! Oh, it is a lovely place. There are mermaids, pirates, hippies and so much more. You’ll love it! Now let's learn how to fly. WENDY: Peter, I'm not sure about this. What about my mother and father? PETER: What about them? You'll have ( flexes his muscles) me! MICHAEL: Okay, but HOW do we fly? PETER: You just think lovely, wonderful thoughts, and they lift you up in the air. With a little help from pixie dust, of course. WENDY: Okay, let’s try! THE DARLINGS closes their eyes in concentration. PETER motions for TINKER BELL to sprinkle pixie dust on them. MICHAEL: (Eyes still closed) Are we flying? They are not. Eventually, PETER and TINKER BELL pull them offstage. PETER: Uh, yeah! Now, off to Neverland!


Scene 3

In which the children make their flight to Neverland, and we are introduced to the island’s factions. Characters: NARRATOR, WENDY, JOHN, MICHAEL, PETER, TINKER BELL, NEVER BIRD, LOST BOYS, HIPPIES, PIRATES

NARRATOR: (Entering) Once they finally got off the ground, the flight to Neverland was very long and grueling, and all of the kids were struggling to keep up. The puppets of PETER, TINKER BELL, WENDY, JOHN, and MICHAEL are all flying to Neverland. The three children are exhausted, but PETER is still pumped. MICHAEL: Peter! I’m Hungry! PETER: We’re almost there, you’ve just gotta keep flying! MICHAEL: I’m tired! JOHN: Michael, I swear if you don’t stop complaining I’m gonna rip off your-- WENDY: Cut that out! This is a family friendly play! JOHN: (Mockingly) This is a family friendly play! WENDY: Don’t talk back to me, you emo! MICHAEL: He’s not emo! He’s being himself! Everyone but PETER is bickering and flying. It’s absolute chaos. TINKER BELL: (Tinkles) PETER: (Chipper as ever) We’re here! The fighting stops.


PETER: Oh, wow, that actually worked! Really though, we’ve still got about three days to go before we actually get to Neverland. I just wanted you to stop fighting. Everyone groans. The puppets drift away, and the screen dims. NARRATOR: When they finally arrived at Neverland, it was like a weight was being lifted off of their shoulders. They were exhausted, but the whimsy of this new, yet strangely familiar place was overwhelming. The NARRATOR exits as PETER, TINKER BELL, WENDY, JOHN, and MICHAEL walk onstage. The children are exhausted. PETER: We have arrived! WENDY: Finally. MICHAEL: Which part of Neverland is this? The NEVER BIRD crosses in her nest. NEVER BIRD: Hellooo! PETER: Well, there goes that weird bird, so we must be in the lagoon! TINK: (Tinkles to PETER) PETER: Yeah, yeah, we know how you feel about the mermaids, Tink. TINK: (Angrily tinkles) PETER: Oh, they’re not so bad. TINKER BELL looks hurt at this and sulks downstage. MICHAEL: (Gasps) Mermaids? JOHN: Not real mermaids, dummy. PETER: Actually, yes, real mermaids!


MICHAEL: With fish tails? PETER: Yep. And human tops. (Winks saucily) MICHAEL and JOHN both look excited by this, for different reasons. The MERMAIDS enter, chattering to one another, and checking their appearances. TAIL-OR: Oh, look ladies! We’ve got company! FINIQUA: So, Peter, what brings you to ou-- FINIQUA notices WENDY. FINIQUA: Who’s she? The MERMAIDS whisper to one another, gossiping. PETER: Well, these are the new residents of Neverland! Right? JOHN & MICHAEL: Yeah! WENDY: Wait, what? No. We’re just visiting. JOHN: (Mesmerised by the MERMAIDS) I wish we could just stay here. WENDY: Don’t say that! MICHAEL: I wanna stay! WAVERLY: (To JOHN) YOU could definitely stay. (Giggles) FINIQUA: The little one’s kinda cute too, don’t you think, Waverly? WAVERLY only has eyes for JOHN. WENDY: What’s wrong with me, then?


TAIL-OR: Honey…no. We don’t need another super-controlling brat around Peter, right Finiqua? That fairy is too much as is. TINKER BELL rises from where she has been sulking. TAIL-OR: Speak of the devil. TINK: (Very angry tinkles) FINIQUA: Don’t you dare talk to Tail-or like that! TINK: (Slightly angry, mostly sassy tinkles) FINIQUA: Try me. TINKER BELL storms over to FINIQUA and starts pulling her hair. It’s a big ol’ cat fight. PETER: Ladies, ladies, please. You don’t have to fight over me. The MERMAIDS and TINKER BELL glare at PETER. PETER: What? WENDY: Uh, Peter, can we get going? Nothing productive is happening here. PETER: Good idea, Wendy. Tink, do you wanna hook us up with a little more pixie dust so we can fly to the hideout? TINKER BELL crosses her arms indignantly and exits. PETER: Fine, we’ll use mine. Pixie dust fight! PETER pulls out his own small bag of pixie dust. He flicks it towards the kids like he’s flinging snowballs at them, and they all run offstage in a scatter. The MERMAIDS also exit. After a beat, the LOST BOYS enter, on the hunt. TOOTLES leads the group with a bow and arrow. CURLY: (Softly) Tootles, do you really know where the squirrels are?


TOOTLES: (Louder than CURLY) Shhh, Curly! CURLY: (Even softer than before) Sorry, it’s just that we’ve been walking around for a long time, and I really want to-- LOST BOYS: (Very loud) SHHHH! TINKER BELL enters very quietly behind the LOST BOYS, seeing an opportunity for mischief. They don’t notice her. NIBS: D’you guys feel something? SLIGHTLY: Yeah, like…a weird presence. TWINS: (Gasp) Like a ghost? TINK: (Tinkles) The LOST BOYS shriek in terror and whirl to face TINKER BELL. They breathe a collective sigh of relief. TOOTLES: What’re you doing here, Tink? TWIN 1: And why’d ya spook us? TWIN 2: Yeah, why? TINK: (Tinkles) TOOTLES: What? A rare bird, coming this way? TINK: (Tinkles, pointing to the sky) TOOTLES: What’s a “Wendy-Bird”? On the shadow screen, the form of WENDY appears. WENDY: John? Michael? Where did everybody go?


TOOTLES: That’s a really rare bird if it can talk. TINKER BELL mimes shooting at it. TOOTLES: Yeah, I’ll shoot down the Wendy-Bird! Boys, we’re going to eat for weeks! LOST BOYS: Yeah! TOOTLES aims his bow, and fires. The shadow of an arrow crosses the screen and strikes the WENDY shadow, which drops immediately as the screen dims. Screaming is heard offstage, and WENDY runs in, panicked and holding her side. She collapses in the middle of the stage, and the LOST BOYS surround her. TINKER BELL makes a sneaky exit. TOOTLES: That is one good-lookin’ Wendy-Bird. He leans down next to the unconscious WENDY, reaching down to touch her face. PETER, JOHN, and MICHAEL run in. PETER angrily pushes the LOST BOYS out of his way as he rushes to WENDY’s side. PETER: Which one of you did this? The LOST BOYS all point to CURLY. CURLY: It wasn’t me! Tootles did it! TOOTLES: Then why am I holding the bow? CURLY: That doesn’t even make sense. TOOTLES: Exactly. PETER: Whatever, it doesn’t matter who shot her. We need to get her help, fast! The HIPPIES enter. GREAT BIG LITTLE PANTHER: Did somebody say “help,” man? LEAN WOLF: A friend in need is, like, a friend indeed.


PETER: Ah, what perfect timing! It’s the savage tribe of Neverland, with their ferocious leader, Tiger Lily! TIGER LILY: For the last time, Peter, we are not a tribe, and we are not savages. We’re just one with nature. GREAT BIG LITTLE PANTHER: Quit it with the square thinking, brother Pan. LEAN WOLF: Can’t we all just be, like, groovy to one another? PETER is unsure what to make of this. TIGER LILY: What’s wrong with your friend? TWIN 1: She got shot! Like-- TWIN 1 pretends to shoot TWIN 2 out of the sky, who collapses, and then quickly sits up. TWIN 2: Like that! Right here! (He points to his side) TIGER LILY: Let me take a look… TIGER LILY begins poking and prodding at WENDY’s side. WENDY: (Giggling) Stop it Nana, that tickles! TIGER LILY: She’s not even shot, man. Must have just grazed her. PETER: (Looks directly at Curly) You got lucky. CURLY fearfully hides behind JOHN. JOHN: Don’t touch me! LEAN WOLF: Whoa, chill out, boy scout. He didn’t mean anything by it. JOHN: Did I SAY you could talk to me, tie dye?


MICHAEL: Jooohn! Be nice! GREAT BIG LITTLE PANTHER: Whoa, harsh--but, like, very counter-cultural attitude. I can dig it. TIGER LILY: (To PETER) What’s up with your Lost Boys? WENDY: (Sitting up) Those two aren’t Lost Boys, they’re my brothers, John and Michael. TIGER LILY: Then what’s the deal with the uptight one? WENDY: He’s just going through a phase. JOHN: It’s not a phase! WENDY: Okay, sweetheart. Whatever you say. There’s loud, pirate sounds, like “yar-har” and whatnot in the distance. TIGER LILY: Oh no, pirates! GREAT BIG LITTLE PANTHER: Cheese it! LEAN WOLF: It’s the fuzz! The HIPPIES run offstage, but the others stay behind, and hide very obviously in plain sight. The PIRATES enter. CAPTAIN HOOK is being pushed on a ridiculously small “boat” by his crew. HOOK: Onward, you dogs! We must be on the lookout for that Pan and his Lost Boys. They could be anywhere. The PIRATES heave and groan while passing those in “hiding.” CECCO: Ugh, I think the captain is gaining some weight. COOKSON: Yeah, and he never helps to push.


HOOK overhears them and raises his hook. Hook: Halt the ship! (To COOKSON and CECCO) What did you say, you land-loving scoundrels? He points his hook right at them. Cecco: T-t-that you are losing some weight. Cookson: YES-uh-YES, you look great sir. Hook: That's what I thought, though I should make you walk the plank for not noticing that sooner. SMEE : Oh, Cap’n, how dastardly and handsome you look with the wind in your hair-- HOOK : Smee…no one likes a suck up. SMEE : A-ah yes, yes of course, Cap’n.

The boat resumes crossing the stage, going right by everyone. PETER smirks, and starts to make a ticking sound. HOOK: Everyone out! It’s the croc! The PIRATES scramble offstage. The others come out of hiding. WENDY: Who were those guys? PETER: My mortal enemy, Hook, and his scallywags. A dastardly bunch of men. WENDY: What do they want you and the Lost Boys for? NIBS: They wanna kill us! SLIGHTLY: And rip us to shreds! TWIN 1: They’ll grind our bones!


TWIN 2: To make their bread! MICHAEL: They don’t seem too bad to me. I can take ‘em. MICHAEL makes a show of flexing his muscles. The LOST BOYS ooh and ahh in admiration. NIBS: We should have you in the Lost Boys! WENDY: You really shouldn’t. SLIGHTLY: (Ignoring WENDY) Yeah! And the edgy one, too! JOHN: Anything’s better than the unending despair of my reality. WENDY: We really can’t stay he-- TOOTLES: Lost Boys! Secret meeting! Now! The LOST BOYS gather in a huddle. PETER: (To the Darling children) They do this sometimes. TOOTLES: Listen, the Wendy-Bird is trying to keep us from letting her brothers in. I think she’s still mad that Curly tried to kill her. SLIGHTLY: Yeah, look at the malice in her eyes. They all look directly at WENDY. She smiles and waves at them. TOOTLES: I think we need to impress the Wendy-Bird. Then we’ll be on her good side. NIBS: Gotcha, Toots. TOOTLES: Nibs, I told you not to call me that! NIBS: Sorry, Toots.


TOOTLES: Alright. On three. The LOST BOYS put their hands in the center of the huddle. LOST BOYS: One. Two. Three. Lost Boys! They pull their hands from the circle, and stare at WENDY. They start flexing and acting “manly.” TOOTLES: So, Wendy, what do you say we show you our secret hideout? MICHAEL: Yay! Secret hideout! JOHN: (Scoffs) WENDY: If it’s alright with Peter. PETER: Wendy, it would be my pleasure! You could make us some tea. TOOTLES: Oh, I can get the tea for this radiant Wendy-Bird. I can get a whole gallon of it. LOST BOYS: (With comically deep voices) Yeah, tea! WENDY: Just one thing, Peter. PETER: Yes? WENDY: Why did Hook run away when you made that clock sound? PETER: That’s the sound of the giant crocodile that lives here on Neverland. He swallowed a clock. TWIN 1: And Hook’s hand! TWIN 2: Peter fed it to him! PETER: Details, details… Anyway, the sound of that ticking clock is Hook’s biggest fear.


There is the sound of a ticking clock. MICHAEL: That clock? PETER: That clock. The terrifying form of the crocodile appears on the shadow screen. MICHAEL: That croc? PETER: That croc. It takes a moment for reality to sink in, before everyone runs offstage, screaming.


Scene 4

In which WENDY and the children make their home with PETER, TINKER BELL, and the LOST BOYS. Characters: NARRATOR, WENDY, JOHN, MICHAEL, PETER, TINKER BELL, LOST BOYS

NARRATOR: (Entering) And so the Darling children were brought underground, to the secret hideout of the Lost Boys. It’s sort of like the batcave, if there were six Robins, and Batman was a demented child. The NARRATOR exits as WENDY, JOHN, MICHAEL, PETER, and the LOST BOYS enter. PETER: Home sweet home! WENDY: What a mess! JOHN: What's that smell? MICHAEL: Woah! Look at all this neat stuff! SLIGHTLY: I'm hungry! MICHAEL: Ooh, do you have some food? I'm starving! JOHN: Yeah, I could go for something to eat…or whatever. TWIN 1: Me too! TWIN 2: No, I'm two! TINKER BELL enters opposite the others, and is disappointed to see WENDY alive and well. TINKER BELL: (Tinkles sassily towards PETER and WENDY, and stomps off to her room.) WENDY: What's with Tink?


PETER: Oh that's just her usual self. She gets moody and wants to be alone. JOHN: (Perking up) Finally, someone who gets me! PETER: Now, everyone to the table! Nibs, Tootles! Go get us food! NIBS and TOOTLES exit to do so. WENDY: Say please, at least! PETER sticks out his tongue. NIBS and TOOTLES enter, carrying food platters with nothing on them.

NIBS: I made only the best food for our esteemed guests! SLIGHTLY: Oh wow Nibs, look at this spread! TOOTLES: And Slightly, it's an all you can eat! SLIGHTLY gasps with excitement, leading the pack as everyone runs to the empty platters. PETER: Do you have my favorite pie? NIBS: Ah, no, not tonight. We didn't have the blurple berries. PETER: (Upset) Oh, wow, that's just PEACHY! Thanks, CURLY! CURLY: W-what?! WENDY: Uhhh… JOHN: There's nothing on the plates… SLIGHTLY: Sometimes we don't have food, and if we complain to Peter he gets mad, so we just pretend that we have food. Just go with it… Woah, doesn't this food look amazing?


MICHAEL and JOHN shrug and begin to “eat.” MICHAEL: Guys, are you tasting this creme brulee?! JOHN: And this amazing avant garde avec soir mes amis croissant! WENDY: …Oui? MICHAEL: I didn't know John knew French. CURLY: Try this! (Hands invisible food to WENDY) WENDY: Uhh…okay… (Takes food and tries it) WENDY: This…this is delicious! TWIN 2: (To TWIN 2) Yeah, I was wondering if you wanted to try THIS! TWIN 2 pushes TWIN 1’s face down into his plate. TWIN 1 wipes away the imaginary food that is on his face. TWIN 2 laughs, and TWIN 1 throws a handful of “food” at TWIN 2’s face. TWIN 1: Bon appetite! TOOTLES: FOOD FIGHT! An imaginary food fight ensues. WENDY: SETTLE, BOYS! Everyone freezes. WENDY: You guys are acting worse than pirates. NIBS: (In choke hold) We’re nothing like those no-good pirates! CURLY : Blahg--yeah, they are nasty. SLIGHTLY : Downright mean!


With the fight broken up, everyone begins to clear the food. MICHAEL : Uhhh, Peter, I was wondering: will Hook ever come and get us? PETER : Don't sweat it. He's the dumbest pirate to roam the oceans. I am so much better than him! MICHAEL : He looked pretty scary to me. PETER : Oh please, he is a total wuss. I could beat him with one arm tied behind my back. TWIN 1: Yeah, this one time… TWIN 2 : We gave him a complete run around, confusing him with the two of us. SLIGHTLY: We stole his hook hand and made him beg for it back. The LOST BOYS giggle at the memory. JOHN and MICHAEL are intrigued. TOOTLES : Then we pulled down his pants! His underwear had little hearts on them! JOHN and MICHAEL join the LOST BOYS in laughing at this. TOOTLES : Hey, remember-- PETER sees that WENDY is not impressed. PETER: QUIET, Curly, please! You’re offending Wendy. CURLY: W-what?! I didn't say anything! WENDY : Well, it all sounds like fun, but I’m not sure it’s very appropriate… MICHAEL: Oh, Wendy, can we please stay in Neverland forever. It seems like so much fun! JOHN : Yeah! Uhhh, I mean…whatever.


The LOST BOYS all murmur in agreement. WENDY: Well, I’m not sure… PETER: You know, maybe you’re right, Wendy. (Goading her) Neverland might be too much for you. I mean, are you uncomfortable being around pirates? Scared even, hmmm? TWIN 1: Oh! OH! And there's lions! TWIN 2: And tigers! CURLY: And bears! PETER: Curly, there’s no bears in Neverland. CURLY: Sorry. WENDY: That doesn’t scare me, but being around narcissistic bullies does, and I seemed to be trapped underground with one. LOST BOYS: Oooh! WENDY sits down some distance away with a harrumph. PETER shoots back a glare. PETER: Sassy one, aren't you? (Mocking her) Well, look at me! Oh, I'm Wendy, I know big words like narcifustic, blah blah blah! The LOST BOYS laugh at this. WENDY: (Flustered) Oh, I never! PETER draws closer, continuing to mock WENDY as she pouts. PETER: Look at me, I’m Wendy, I’m Wendy! Suddenly, WENDY punches PETER in the arm.


PETER: Heyyy! Ouch! Now it’s PETER’s turn to pout. WENDY: There! Hmpfh. TOOTLES: Hey! No need to fight. MICHAEL: (Rocking back and forth) Oh my, oh my, oh my… JOHN: Wendyyy! SLIGHTLY: Yeah, c'mon guys! TWIN 1: Why don't we punch her back! TWIN 2: Hey dude, that's not chill. You're bigger than her. All begin to argue. WENDY: SILENCE! You kids really need to be taught manners. Who is the adult of the house? There is a prolonged silence. TOOTLES: Aaa-dooolt? WENDY: Yeah, you know… MICHAEL: (Chipping in) Like your mom or dad. NIBS: Dad? SLIGHTLY: Mom? The LOST BOYS look confused. TWINS: What's that?


WENDY: Well…they’re the ones who take care of you. PETER: (Still pouting) We can take care of ourselves, thank you very much. CURLY: Yeah! PETER: Not now, Curly! CURLY squeaks in fear.

WENDY: Well no wonder you boys act so wild! Okay, here’s what we’ll do. We are going to have a game of house. PETER: Hm, yeah, that could work. Wendy can be our…mom…yeah! And we can all be her kids! TOOTLES: (Eagerly) I could be the dad! PETER : Ehhh…that's stupid. Wendy! Wendy, tell us a story! The LOST BOYS all chime in excitedly. WENDY: Alright, I have a good one for you… WENDY begins to silently tell a story as the LOST BOYS all crowd around her. Fade out.


Scene 5

In which PETER and the rest rescue TIGER LILY from the PIRATES in the MERMAIDS’ lagoon. Characters: NARRATOR, JOHN, PETER, WENDY, MICHAEL, LOST BOYS, MERMAIDS, SMEE, NOODLER, HOOK, NEVER BIRD

NARRATOR: (Entering) From that moment, Wendy began to take care of the band of bustling boys. Oh wow! Alliteration! I sound like Dr. Seuss right now! Okay, so, what was I saying… Wendy got the boys to be nice, she kept them in their…plice? Y’know, let’s forget the whole Dr. Seuss thing. Point being, the Darlings stayed in Neverland, and they all went on many adventures together. I'll tell you one of my favorites, which involves a grand adventure in the mermaids’ lagoon. It all started one day when John received a letter… JOHN enters. JOHN: (Holding a letter in his hand, reading aloud)

John, John, the dark and handsome one, My love for you is like, totes strong. Since you are not just going through a phase, nor is our love,

(Looking up, excitedly) Come for a dip in the lagoon, baby!

Sweet… Uh, Peter? PETER enters. PETER: Yes, Jack? JOHN: Actually, it’s John. PETER: Oh, well. Nobody cares. They only care about me. JOHN: Tell that to the mermaid who sent me this. (Shows PETER the letter) PETER: John! Buddy! Whaddaya know. (Beckons JOHN closer) So, which one is it?


JOHN: Actually, I don’t know. PETER: That’s my man, keeping his options open! Let us venture to the lagoon and find this anonymous mermaid of yours. Come along, Lost Boys! To the lagoon! The stage comes to life as LOST BOYS and MERMAIDS enter from all sides. A giant sun appears on the shadow screen. MERMAIDS: Peter! The MERMAIDS begin to talk with PETER, except for WAVERLY, who pulls JOHN aside. WAVERLY: Hey John… JOHN: (Trying to be cool) Wassup girl? WAVERLY: What is “up”? Only the horrible, eternal, blinding light we call “the sun,” followed by a cleansing darkness that has his chance at glory every night. The stars, the moon-- JOHN: Shush… (Holds a finger up to her lips) Speak no more. I…I think I’m in love! WAVERLY: Oh, John, I--what’s that? (Points to a black umbrella that he is carrying) JOHN: Oh, that. (Flips hair) That's just my black umbrella I brought to shade me--I mean--US from the sun. WAVERLY: (Pausing) I think I’m in love, too! Wanna go write poetry together? JOHN: Yup! The two slip away together, leaving the umbrella behind. Meanwhile, PETER has been chatting up the other MERMAIDS. PETER: So, none of you sent John a letter, hmmm? He probably wrote it himself. He WAS always jealous that I get all the ladies. TAIL-OR: Peter, if you’re so insistent on being a boy forever, what exactly does “getting all the ladies” mean to you, anyway?


FINIQUA: Do you even know why a lady would want to hang out with a guy? PETER: Uh, yeah, duh. To play cops and robbers. Obviously. The MERMAIDS laugh and swim away. The DARLING children and LOST BOYS finish their play and come over. CURLY: Sweet! Now we got Marooners Rock all to ourselves! (Spreads himself over it) LOST BOYS: I don’t think so!/Not if I can help it!/Move over/Etc. They all jump on top of CURLY, eventually falling asleep in a big dogpile. WENDY and PETER sit beside them. PETER: Y’know Wendy, pirates used to bring sailors atop this rock, and they’d tie them to it, till eventually, the tide rose up AND-- WENDY: Oh, Peter did they die?! Oh, Peter, tell me! PETER: The poor sailors-- WENDY: Oh, Peter! PETER: They-- WENDY: Oh! PETER: The-- WENDY: No! PETER: Wendy! WENDY: What? I forgot what we were talking about. PETER: The sailors! The tide steadily rose, until Marooners Rock was completely covered in water. And gone were the sailors.


WENDY: How horrible! Does the tide rise every day? PETER: Enough to cover this rock we’re sitting on? Oh, no. But tonight it will. WENDY: (Screams) Children? Children! (WENDY wakes the LOST BOYS in a rather harsh manner) Boys! It is not safe! Run home! Grab John, too! TWIN 1: But John… TWIN 2: …is with his lady friend. WENDY: As long as he's on the buddy system! Everyone run! The tide’s a-rising! The LOST BOYS leave, with some protest and confusion. PETER: (Grabs her shoulders) What’s gotten into you? WENDY: Mama bear instincts, I suppose. Guess it’s back home for the two of us as well. (She begins to leave) PETER: Oh, Wendy! Do stay, would you? The tide won’t rise for awhile yet, and the lagoon is beautiful at sunset. (To audience) And not just because I’M here. WENDY: Okay, I guess I could stay… But the children-- PETER: Are halfway to the hideout by now. They’ll be fine. They sit in relaxing silence for a while. A large ship slowly appears on the shadow screen, beginning to block the sun. WENDY: Peter? PETER: Yes, Wendy? WENDY: (Still relaxed) What’s that big black thing blocking the sun? PETER: Oh, that? Why, that is simply Captain Hook's ship. The realization hits WENDY and PETER at the same time.


PETER & WENDY: Pirates! PETER: Quick, behind the rock! PETER takes WENDY’S hand and they hide behind Marooners Rock. The small boat from before carries three people: SMEE, NOODLER, and TIGER LILY. SMEE: Thanks for bringing me along, Noodler! It’s a real honor to be part of the team to drown this hippie for the cap’n. NOODLER: Well, I would've preferred to have Long Tom here, but… SMEE: Wait…Long Tom is just the name we gave our cannon. NOODLER: He’s a better conversationalist. SMEE looks hurt. NOODLER: (With pity) Aw, I’m sorry, buddy. You know I didn’t mean it! SMEE nods his head softly. SMEE and NOODLER hug it out. TIGER LILY: See, this is the kind of deep, brotherly love that we need in the commune. You guys should, like, join us. SMEE: Dude! (Highfives TIGER LILY) Don’t kid me, man! TIGER LILY: Where I’m from, there’s no kiddin’, only chillin’. NOODLER hits SMEE. He is brought back to reality. SMEE: Oh! These dang hippies and their mind tricks! Get her onto the rock, Noodler. TIGER LILY is transferred to Marooners Rock. NARRATOR: (Entering) Now, this was the first time in Neverland that Wendy had seen real tragedy. Wendy was a caring lady, and in experiencing this she nearly fainted. Wendy cared much more for the hippie’s fate than Peter did, but Peter Pan, ever the


hero, decided to rescue Tiger Lily. You see, as you may have noticed earlier, Peter was a pretty good impressionist. He put on his best Captain Hook voice to deceive the pirates. The NARRATOR exits. PETER: (PETER begins imitating HOOK) Ahoy there, mateys! The two PIRATES suddenly snap to attention, uncertain where their captain’s voice is coming from. SMEE: Ahoy, Cap’n! We are doing just as you asked and drowning the hippie on Marooners Rock! TIGER LILY: I HAVE a spiritual title, man. SMEE: A what? TIGER LILY: You squares call it a “name.” SMEE: (Extending a hand) Well, my name’s Smee, how'd you d-- PETER: Untie the hippie! NOODLER: ‘Scuse me Cap’n? PETER: Untie the hippie known as Tiger Lily! TIGER LILY: Yeah! Lovin’ the drive for peace. Way to change your ways! PETER: Untie him now or I’ll rip off your hands and do it myself! TIGER LILY: Never mind. WENDY smacks PETER for the violent language. NOODLER: How strange! But we best do what the cap’n orders.


SMEE: A good point, my friend. Well then, (SMEE unties TIGER LILY) be on your way, Tiger Lily. TIGER LILY: Thanks, Smee, man. Groovy meeting ya. SMEE: (Trying to be hip) Take the boat and groove on out of here, man! NOODLER shakes his head disapprovingly. TIGER LILY: Peace, my brother. And, namaste. TIGER LILY bows to SMEE and paddles away in the small boat. The real HOOK calls from offstage. HOOK: Boat Ahoy! SMEE & NOODLER: Boat Ahoy! HOOK enters. WENDY: Well, I'll be! It's the real Captain Hook! PETER: Lower your voice Wendy! We don't want to be caught! SMEE: Whoa, Cap’n! You're drenched! HOOK: Because I had to swim, you dunce! That's why I called boat ahoy! I needed a boat. It's not just a pirate expression! SMEE: Oh… Well, what's brought you to us Cap’n? HOOK sighs. SMEE: He sighs. HOOK sighs. NOODLER: He sighs again.


HOOK sighs. SMEE: And yet a third time he sighs! What is the problem, Cap’n? HOOK: The game’s up, those boys have found a mother. NOODLER: (Oblivious) Horrible? I guess? SMEE: What's a mother? WENDY: (A bit too loudly) He doesn't know! PETER shushes her and drags her back into hiding. HOOK: What was that? NOODLER: I heard nothing. The NEVER BIRD enters, away from the action on stage. SMEE: Maybe it was that weird bird. NEVER BIRD: Hellooo! HOOK: See? THAT is a mother. Her nest must have fallen in the lagoon. But would a mother desert her eggs? No. NOODLER: I would. HOOK smacks NOODLER. HOOK: The point is, nothing can harm those eggs while she’s around. The NEVER BIRD exits. SMEE: So, the Lost Boys are like the eggs… HOOK: Go on…


SMEE: And now they have a mother bird protecting them? HOOK: Precisely. NOODLER: And in this scenario, we’re like, some sort of mongoose that wants to eat the eggs? HOOK: Oddly put, but accurate. SMEE: So what if the mongooses--mongeese? NOODLER: Mongi. SMEE: --Mongi were to steal the mother bird for themselves? HOOK: Yes, yes! And make her our mother! We will seize the children and carry them to the boat: the boys will walk the plank, and Wendy shall be our mother! The PIRATES cackle evilly. WENDY: Never! HOOK: What was that? (Again, the pirates see nothing) Wait, where is the hippie? SMEE: Just as you ordered. We let her go! HOOK: Let her go? Why, who commanded this of you? SMEE: Why, ‘twas you captain! HOOK: I gave no such order! There must be foul spirits at play here… Oh, spirit that haunts the lagoon tonight, do you hear me? WENDY: Don’t answer, Peter! PETER: I just can’t help myself! (To HOOK, adopting a spooky “spirit” voice) Odds, bobs, hammer and tongs, I hear you.


The PIRATES gasp and cling to one another. SMEE screams shrilly before being halted by HOOK. HOOK: Who are you, stranger? Speak! There is a pause. PETER: I am James Hook. Captain of the Jolly Roger! PIRATES gasp. HOOK: If you are Hook, then tell me, who am I? PETER: A codfish! SMEE: A codfish! Our captain is merely a codfish. How embarrassing. Ma was right. I should've been a dentist. HOOK: I am no codfish! Stick with me Smee. (To PETER) Hook, have you another voice? PETER: I have. HOOK: And another name? PETER: Aye, aye. HOOK: Vegetable? PETER: No. HOOK: Mineral? PETER: No. HOOK: Animal? PETER: Yes.


HOOK: Man? PETER: No! HOOK: Boy? PETER: Yes. HOOK: Ordinary boy? PETER: No! HOOK: Wonderful boy? PETER: Yes. HOOK: Well. I am simply puzzled. I cannot think of another thing to ask. PETER: Ha ha! Do you give up? HOOK: Yes! Yes! PETER: Well then! (Making a grand entrance) I am Peter Pan! HOOK: Smee! Noodler! Get him! I want Pan dead or alive! The two PIRATES advance on PETER, but WENDY joins the battle as well, using the leftover umbrella as a weapon. The heroes emerge victorious, and WENDY holds the PIRATES at bay as PETER whirls to face HOOK. HOOK: Here we are, Peter. PETER: So it appears. The two fight mercilessly, HOOK wounding PETER in a bit of dirty trickery. PETER: Hey, you don’t fight fair! HOOK: (Shrugs, gestures to himself) Pirate.


Suddenly, a ticking is heard in the distance. The croc moves across the shadow screen. HOOK: You're one unlucky little boy, Pan. I would've killed you quickly and swiftly. But instead, you'll be left to die; bleeding and suffering as the tide rises. (PETER looks defeated) Smee! We’re getting out of here! The croc is near! The tide, she rises! SMEE, NOODLER, and HOOK make their escape. On the shadow screen, the Jolly Roger flees as the sun begins to sink out of view. WENDY lets the PIRATES go, instead rushing to PETER’s side. WENDY: Peter! You’re hurt! PETER: The tide is rising, and the rock is growing smaller. WENDY: What should we do? Swim or fly? PETER: I am weak. I am wounded. I am not strong. Don’t tell anyone you saw Peter Pan this way! Don’t tell them of my unheroic death! WENDY: No, Peter! Don't speak like that! PETER: But Wendy, it’s true. You must use Jack’s umbrella to fly away. The wind will pick you up and carry you to safety. WENDY: Oh, Peter! You can come too! (WENDY is distressed now) PETER: No. I’m too weak to hang on. I would fall to my death anyway. WENDY: I'm not leaving without you! (WENDY is crying now) PETER: Then I’ll have to make you leave. PETER closes her hand around the umbrella and opens it into the wind. It carries her offstage. On the shadow screen, we see her silhouette fly by before the screen dims. WENDY: Peeeterrr…!


PETER: There, she’s safe. And I’m here, bleeding out on a vanishing rock. It's okay, it's okay, it’s okay… NARRATOR: (Enters) And this is what Peter repeated to himself as the rock was almost completely submerged. It was in this moment that Neverland realized that the only thing that could possibly smother Peter's cockiness and bravery was a game with death. PETER: (Suddenly, surprising the NARRATOR) Nuh-uh, I’m not going out like that. NARRATOR: What? PETER: That’s right. I’m not scared! (Standing) You know what I am? I’m ready. To die…to die will be an awfully big adventure! Blackout.


Intermission


Scene 6

In which we check back in with the grieving Darling family, and PETER is rescued by the NEVER BIRD. Characters: NARRATOR, MR. DARLING, MRS. DARLING, NANA, LIZA, PETER, NEVER BIRD

On stage are MR. DARLING, NANA, LIZA, and MRS. DARLING, who is crying. NARRATOR enters. NARRATOR: Looking back home, the Darling family was in complete distress. The children had been gone for quite some time, causing panic for especially Mrs. Darling, as you can see. (Mrs. Darling sobs even louder) Mr. Darling was being much more stoic, but don’t let that fool you. He did care about the kids. Very much so. NARRATOR exits. MRS. DARLING: I just can’t believe they’re gone! My babies, they just vanished! Out of thin air! MR. DARLING: (Consoling) I know, honey, I know. But if there’s one small bright side in all this…our expenses have gone WAY down. MRS. DARLING: Are you kidding me, George? Even the dog is more upset than you! NANA: (Morose) I’m so upset, I’m not even going to mention the fact that you called me a dog again. LIZA: It’s a real bummer. MRS. DARLING: What could have even happened? We left them safe and sound in their beds. It’s almost as if they flew straight out the window! MR. DARLING: We know that’s not the case. Wendy is a very smart girl, and so are the boys. We taught them exactly what to do in these situations, dear.


MRS. DARLING: Telling them about your days in the Eagle Scouts doesn’t count, George. I feel as if there's nothing I can do to help them! MR. DARLING: That's because there IS nothing we can do to help them. MRS. DARLING: Are you really not worried? These are our kids. If only we had some way of contacting them! MR. DARLING: Now honey, we know that's never going to happen. Everybody in the theatre was instructed to turn off their cell phones, remember? If there was one thing that I taught our kids, it was how to stay safe. Now come on, sweetheart, let's go get you some fresh air before you faint. NANA: What kind of person faints from sadness? MR. DARLING: Quiet, you. The family exit, crossing paths with the NARRATOR, who enters again. NARRATOR: If there was one thing the Darling family was known for, it was loving their kids. While it may seem like Mr. Darling may be a little hot-headed sometimes, he loved his kids just like any other dad. Now, going back to Peter, he was in a pretty sticky situation. Let's see how heroic he really is. PETER enters, returning to Marooners Rock. PETER: Can this really be the final adventure? I’m too young, too heroic to die! I’m just a boy. And what about the Lost Boys? What would they be without me? Like, the “Found Boys”? Stupid. I’m THE Peter Pan! I have so much ahead of me. I haven’t even gotten halfway through what I want to do with my life. There’s got to be a way out of this. Think, Peter, think! The NEVER BIRD comes onto stage, seeming to hear the rant. She speaks in long, singsong syllables. NEVER BIRD: Can-I-help-you? PETER jumps at the unusual voice and snaps his head at the strange bird.


PETER: That weird bird! Who--or what--are you? NEVER BIRD: My-name-is-the-Never-Bird. PETER: What? NEVER BIRD: NEVER-BIRD. PETER: I can’t understand a word you’re saying. NEVER BIRD: You-really-aren’t-as-smart-as-they-say-you-are. PETER: Excuse me? How dare you say that to me! I am TOO smart! NEVER BIRD: Oh-THAT-part-he-understands. I-am-the-Never-Bird. PETER: Never Bird, huh? Well, I’m Peter. Peter Pan. But you’ve probably heard of me. I’m…(Flexes muscles)…kind of a big deal. NEVER BIRD: (Shrugs) Whatever-you-say. ( PETER gasps, clearly offended) Look-do- you-want-my-nest-or-not? PETER: Your nest? Why would I want your nest? NEVER BIRD: I-don’t-know-maybe-to-save-you-from-drowning-so-you-can-float- back-to-your-friends? PETER: I can do this myself, thank you very much. I’ve lead an entire group of boys through Neverland single-handedly. Oh wait, only Hook leads his crew single handedly. Haha! Anyways, I think I can get out of this situation myself. NEVER BIRD: Oh-and-how-is-that-working-out-for-you? PETER: You’re quite annoying for a bird, you know that? Ugh, fine, just hand me the nest. NEVER BIRD: Didn’t-your-parents-ever-teach-you-how-to-say-please-and-thank-you?


PETER: What parents? NEVER BIRD: Never-mind. Okay-here-you-go. The NEVER BIRD gives PETER the nest, and she begins to fly away. PETER: Wait! NEVER BIRD: (Expectantly) Yes? PETER: You forgot your eggs. PETER hands her the eggs from the nest. NEVER BIRD: Oh-those-are-just-for-decoration. I-don’t-like-children. PETER: You’re a really weird bird. NEVER BIRD: Case-in-point. The NEVER BIRD stretches her wings to fly again. PETER: Wait! NEVER BIRD: (Losing patience) Yes? PETER: (It is difficult for him to say, so he mutters under his breath) Thank you. NEVER BIRD: Did-I-hear-that-correctly? Did-the-heroic-Peter-Pan-just-say-thank- you? PETER: (Brightening up instantly) You called me heroic! I knew I was heroic! Haha! NEVER BIRD: So-much-for-character-development. They exit their separate ways.


Scene 7

In which the LOST BOYS are joined by the HIPPIES, and are sent to bed with a story from the young WENDY. Characters: NARRATOR, LOST BOYS, HIPPIES, WENDY, JOHN, MICHAEL, PETER, TINKER BELL

WENDY and the LOST BOYS are in the hideout, worried about PETER. The HIPPIES are there as well. NARRATOR: (Entering) So Peter lived to see another day in Neverland. By the time he made it back to the hideout, everyone else had already arrived, and they were relieved to see him. PETER enters, tossing aside the nest as he does. Everyone rushes him in excitement. TWINS: We’re relieved to see you! NARRATOR: The hippies were there, too, and Tiger Lily had explained how Peter had so selflessly rescued her, which had led to a big love-in between the hippies and the Lost Boys. TIGER LILY: Thanks man, you’re one far out cat. PETER: I know, I know, I’m great. NARRATOR: In fact, from that point on, the hippies took to calling Peter “The Grandmaster.” PETER: Groovy Grandmaster Pan, you mean! The HIPPIES give a peace sign salute, and begin patrolling the hideout. NARRATOR: Right… The hippies swore to protect Groovy Grandmaster Pan from the pirates, as a sign of gratitude. And of course, this didn’t go to Peter’s head at ALL.


PETER: Loyal hippies, your Grandmaster is happy to see you working so hard to keep the wicked pirates at bay. Now, let’s go patrol the perimeter. I need to air out my suit--lots of lagoon water in there. Move out! HIPPIES: Far out/Groovy/Etc. PETER and the HIPPIES exit. NARRATOR: Now we come to the night that will be known as the night of all nights. The Lost Boys were just finishing their imaginary tea, as it was nearly time for bed. The NARRATOR exits. The LOST BOYS are all playing tea, except for JOHN, who goes to write poetry on the bed. NIBS: Tootles spilled my tea. TOOTLES: Did not! NIBS: Did too! TOOTLES punches NIBS, NIBS punches TOOTLES. WENDY: That's it, no more hitting! TOOTLES punches NIBS. WENDY: Instead, you must say, “I complain of.” If you say, “I complain of,” then I will punish the object of your complaint. NIBS punches TOOTLES, TOOTLES punches NIBS. WENDY: I said stop! Curly dear, did you empty your cup? CURLY: (Glances at his cup) Not quite yet, Mother. SLIGHTLY: He hasn't even STARTED to drink his tea yet, Mother. (Angrily) He’s a liar! MICHAEL raises his hand.


CURLY: I complain of Slightly! He’s being mean! I have SO started my tea. (Holds out his cup as proof) SLIGHTLY: And I complain of Curly for complaining of me! MICHAEL raises his hand. WENDY: Yes, Michael, thank you for waiting. CURLY and SLIGHTLY quietly argue in the background. MICHAEL: Can I sit in Peter's spot since he’s out air drying? WENDY: No, that’s Father’s spot, and only Peter gets to play Father. And that’s final. MICHAEL: But Mother! WENDY: No! MICHAEL: He doesn’t even LIKE playing Father! He didn’t even known what a father was until I showed him! (Sulking) He doesn't even have a mustache. SLIGHTLY: Oh, but you just KNOW Peter could grow a mustache if he tried. Maybe even a beard. MICHAEL: He’s like twelve years old! TWINS: We complain of Michael! TOOTLES : Could I maybe be Father while Father is out? I even have some stubble on my chin. See? (Points to hairless chin) WENDY: Why does everyone want to be Father all of a sudden? No, you may not be Father, YOU may not be Father, and YOU may not be Father. Peter is Father, and ONLY Peter. CURLY: If I can't be Father, Michael, can I be the baby instead of you? MICHAEL: (Stubbornly) No.


CURLY: So if I can't be Father, and I can't be the baby, can I be a twin? TWINS: No! TWIN 1: You look nothing like us. TWIN 2: Plus, it’s really hard to be a twin. CURLY: If I can't be special, does anybody want to see me do a trick? LOST BOYS: No! TOOTLES: Show us your disappearing act! PETER returns. PETER: Quiet, Curly! LOST BOYS: Father’s home! PETER: Father?! WENDY: (To PETER) Our children have been a handful tonight. PETER: Uh, oh, yes, well… (Adopting a fatherly voice) Good to see you…honeybun. (Awkwardly punches WENDY on the arm) MICHAEL: (Whispers to SLIGHTLY) I taught him how to say that. SLIGHTLY: I complain of Michael! PETER: Okay boys, time to go get ready for bed. WENDY: Make sure you bring the medicine! The LOST BOYS leave, under protest. PETER: (Sighs) Phew. What a day at the--what is it?


WENDY: Office. PETER: Right, the office. (Rubs his feet) My dogs, they are a-barkin’. WENDY: Peter, do you think I’m doing a good job as Mother? PETER: Well, based solely on everything I know about mothers…yes. WENDY sighs. PETER: Wendy, what's wrong? WENDY: Peter, what are your exact feelings for me? She inches closer to him. He shrinks away awkwardly. PETER: Uh, you know, father, son, whatever! (Awkward chuckle) Cop, robber, potato, potahto… PETER moves some distance away. WENDY: (Disappointed) That's what I thought. The LOST BOYS come running back in, going straight for the bed. One of them carries the medicine. LOST BOYS: Bedtime story!/Yay!/Medicine!/Etc. WENDY: Alright, story first, then medicine. Listen up. There once was a man-- TOOTLES: Could he be lady? NIBS: Could he be a rat? WENDY: There was also a lady. TWIN 1: Oh Mother, she’s not a dead lady, is she?


WENDY: No, she's not dead. TWIN 2: Oh, I'm so happy she’s not dead. Are you happy Tootles? TOOTLES: Yes, very happy. Are you, Nibs? NIBS: More or less. WENDY: (Sighs) This is going to be a long story. The man and the lady are called Mr. and Mrs. Darling. They were married, and what do you think they had? NIBS: White rats? WENDY: (Sighs again) No, they had three children and these children had a faithful nurse named Nana. NIBS: Was Nana a white rat? WENDY: No, she was a dog. One night Mr. Darling got mad at Nana and chained her up in the yard. SLIGHTLY: That’s not nice. WENDY: No it wasn't. So all the children flew away to Neverland where the Lost Boys lived. CURLY: I knew they would. I don’t know how I knew, but I just did. TOOTLES: Was one of the Lost Boys named Tootles? WENDY: Yes. TOOTLES: Yay, Tootles! That’s my name too! WENDY: Now, I want you to try and feel the pain that Mr. and Mrs. Darling must have felt when their children flew away. CURLY : Pain? I thought Nana was the one chained up?


SLIGHTLY: Were Mr. and Mrs Darling chained up, too? WENDY: No, they were-- (The memory is too much for her) Oh, I can’t take it anymore! We have to go back. Michael, John, pack your bags, we’re going home! JOHN: We didn’t bring any bags. TOOTLES: Home? You can't go! We won’t let you. Boys, tie her up! PETER: (Springing to life) Now now, Tootles, we can’t hold a lady against her will. What are we, pirates? (Turns to Wendy) Tink will show you the way back. TINK! TINKER BELL enters in an instant. PETER: Tink, Wendy doesn’t want to be here anymore. Will you please show her, John, and Michael the way back to their (Gags) parents? TINKER BELL: (Tinkles gladly) WENDY: Lost Boys, why don’t you come with us? I'm sure my parents would take you in. At first the LOST BOYS are unsure what to make of this, but they quickly reach a consensus to go along. WENDY: Peter, what about you? PETER: Thanks but no thanks. This sends a ripple of uncertainty through the LOST BOYS. MICHAEL: Oh Peter, please come with us! PETER: I don't need a mother. (Turns his back to WENDY) I am far too good for one. No one can take care of me but ME! Tink, are you ready? TINK: (Tinkles gleefully) PETER: Then off you go. Goodbye, Wendy. Goodbye everyone.


WENDY: Peter… WENDY hesitates for a moment, but TINKER BELL ushers the group offstage before she can say anything more.


Scene 8

In which the LOST BOYS and the Darling children are captured by the PIRATES. Characters: NARRATOR, PIRATES, HIPPIES, WENDY, JOHN, MICHAEL, LOST BOYS

NARRATOR: (Entering) Whew, rough stuff, huh? Well, I’m sorry to tell you, it gets rougher. You see, Hook and his crew of deplorables had tracked down the Lost Boy hideout, and were waiting just outside. Hook had devised a nasty plan to end things, once and for all. The NARRATOR exits as the PIRATES enter, creating a huddle. HOOK: This is the last time I'm going to go over this-- NOODLER: Go over what? HOOK: The plan about how we’re going to-- ED TEYNTE: What plan? HOOK: Have you been listening? CHARLES TURLEY: Uh…maybe. HOOK: (Sighs) First, we are going to capture those hippies guarding the Lost Boys-- SMEE: But Cap’n, what happens if they fight back and capture US? HOOK: (Raises hook) Next person to interrupt me gets a second belly button, savvy? And Smee, use your brain. They're hippies, they're not gonna hurt us. CECCO: Good point, sir. HOOK: Now, as I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted, once we capture the hippies, we will use their signal to tell the Lost Boys it's safe to come out.


GENTLEMAN STARKEY: Um, excuse me sir, but where are you planning to put all of them? HOOK: (Gestures) On the boat, you idiot! All the PIRATES look at the tiny boat with confused looks. ALF MASON: Hey Hook, I don't want to be a downer, but I don't think they're all gonna fit on the boat. HOOK: Don't be thick, they'll fit just fine. It'll just be a little tight. GEORGE SCOURIE: Sir, how are we actually gonna capture all the Lost Boys? HOOK: It's quite simple. We’ll have one of you by the entrance. Once the first boy sticks his head out, that person will grab them. Then, we’ll have a line of pirates leading to the boat, and we hand the Lost Boys to each, other one by one, until they’re all on board. ROBERT MULLINS: A Lost Boy brigade! Sounds good to me. The huddle continues silently. GREAT BIG LITTLE PANTHER and LEAN WOLF enter. GREAT BIG LITTLE PANTHER: Hey dude, are those, like, those pirates? LEAN WOLF: Yeah man, they're those squares that, like, kidnapped Tiger Lilly. GREAT BIG LITTLE PANTHER: We should, like, beat them up. Like, for revenge. LEAN WOLF: Whoa, whoa, whoa! That's not the hippie way, man! We gotta be better than that. GREAT BIG LITTLE PANTHER: You’re saying, like, kill them with kindness? LEAN WOLF: Yeah, man! Love your enemy! They approach the PIRATES, arms outstretched. The huddle is about to break. HOOK: (Placing his hook in the middle) On three!


PIRATES: One! Two! Three! Pirates! The PIRATES notice the approaching HIPPIES. ED TEYNTE: Are they trying to give us a hug? ALSATIAN FOGARTY: I think they are. HOOK: Uh, yes, come closer, flower children! Bring it on in here. As the HIPPIES draw close, the PIRATES begin to wrap them in ropes. GREAT BIG LITTLE PANTHER: Whoa, is this, like, a giant friendship bracelet? LEAN WOLF: Righteous! HOOK: Yes, yes. Now, where’s that leader of yours, er, Kitty Flower? GREAT BIG LITTLE PANTHER: You mean, like, Tiger Lily? LEAN WOLF: (Gestures offstage) She’s over there with the bongos, man. HOOK: Excellent. HOOK motions for two PIRATES to fetch TIGER LILY. They drag her onstage, bongos in hand. GREAT BIG LITTLE PANTHER: This friendship bracelet’s tight, man. HOOK: Well it’s about to get a lot tighter! (Gestures to TIGER LILY) Add this one to the bunch. Smee, take those drums! SMEE: I’m on it, sir. TIGER LILY: (Struggling) You’ll never get away with this! Pan will stop you! HOOK: Oh, don't worry, I have a plan for Pan.


SMEE: A Pan plan! HOOK: A GRAND Pan plan. Now, be quiet, you dogs! I think I hear the Lost Boys stirring. The PIRATES arrange themselves in a line, and the stage goes deathly silent. A few PIRATES clamp their hands over the HIPPIES’ mouths. On the shadow screen, the Lost Boys appear. TOOTLES: (Offstage) Safe to come out? HOOK: Uh… (Adopting a poor HIPPIE voice) Um, yeah, man! All clear…yo! TOOTLES: Then what’s the signal? HOOK motions for SMEE to begin playing the bongos. He does. TOOTLES: Is that the signal? NIBS: I’m not sure. TOOTLES: Well somebody has to look. Curly, how about you? CURLY: I’m not going out there! TWIN 1: Come on, Curly. TWIN 2: You’ll be fine. SLIGHTLY: Don’t be such a wimp! CURLY: Fine. CURLY appears on the edge of the stage, and is quickly grabbed by the first PIRATE, who silences him just as he begins to squeal. TOOTLES: (Entering) What did you say, Curly?


TOOTLES is similarly captured. One by one, the LOST BOYS move from the shadow screen to the stage, and are grabbed as they emerge, sent down the PIRATE assembly line. Only the Darling children and TINKER BELL remain, seen in shadow. JOHN: (Offstage) Hey, what’s going on out there? MICHAEL: (Offstage) Wendy, where is everyone? WENDY: (Offstage) I’m sure they’re fine. Let's go. Wait! I forgot to bring the medicine. Tink, would you be a dear and go back for it? TINKER BELL: (Annoyed tinkling) TINKER BELL turns around and marches off the screen. The Darlings emerge one at a time and are captured, WENDY last of all. The shadow screen dims. TOOTLES: (Thrashing against his captors) Wendy, I’ll save you! TOOTLES momentarily breaks free, but HOOK grabs him by the collar. HOOK: Well, well, well, look who we have here. A tiny hero! TOOTLES: (Struggling) Let me go! HOOK: Oh, I’ll let you go. I’ll let you ALL go. Right off the plank! The PIRATES cheer at this. HOOK: Load them onto the dinghy, dogs! There is a clear problem when the captives won’t fit on the small boat. GENTLEMAN STARKEY: Sir, they aren’t all going to fit. HOOK hands TOOTLES off to the nearest PIRATE and stomps over to STARKEY. HOOK: They’re children! I bet it could hold at least eight of them. CHARLES TURLEY: Captain, they’re not gonna fit.


HOOK: (To TURLEY) I’m tempted to have you walk the plank with them. COOKSON: Sorry sir, but they're not gonna fit. HOOK: That’s it! Either you useless fools figure this out, or I’ll replace you with someone who can. You know, like a bag of doorknobs. LEAN WOLF: Hey, pirate, man, do you guys have, like, vegan food on your ship? Because I’m a vegan. GREAT BIG LITTLE PANTHER: Meat is murder, man. HOOK : I’ll show you murder! Dogs, bring them back to the Jolly Roger and tie them to the mast! Smee, you’re with me. The PIRATES awkwardly escort the group offstage. SMEE: Ah,excuse me, Cap’n, but may I ask about your grand plan Pan--planned grand Pa--uh, what are you gonna do about Peter? HOOK: Oh, you just leave that to me and my friend here… (Reveals the bottle he is carrying) Mr. Poison! HOOK begins to laugh maniacally. SMEE reluctantly joins in. Soon, they are doubled over in laughter as they walk offstage.


Scene 9

In which the PETER nearly dies from HOOK’s poison, ultimately being saved by TINKER BELL, who sacrifices herself. With TINKER BELL saved, PETER resolves to finish HOOK once and for all. Characters: NARRATOR, PETER, HOOK, SMEE, TINKER BELL

NARRATOR: (Entering) So the boys were captured, one by one, flung from the mitts of each filthy scoundrel to the next. And if Peter hadn’t been angry napping down in the hideout, he may have been able to do something about it. But so it goes. The NARRATOR exits as PETER enters. PETER: Wendy and those Lost Boys are real stupid for leaving me and the (Flexes) gun show behind. You know what? I’m glad they’re gone. They were always taking me for granted, anyway. And I have a suspicion Wendy and Tootles had something going on… But hey! Best thing is, I don’t have to take any medicine anymore. I live underground. What diseases could get me anyway? Ha! Imagine Wendy's face when she discovers I’ve disobeyed her! Oh, Wendy… (Begins to cry) No! Wendy would WANT me to cry! I think I’ll laugh instead! HA HA HA HA HA HA! (Crawls into bed and immediately falls asleep) HOOK and SMEE enter stealthily, speaking softly. HOOK: (Gesturing to the sleeping PETER) There he is, my mortal enemy! I’ll finally dispose of him, and then it’s back to the Jolly Roger to take care of my SPECIAL cargo. SMEE: (Oblivious) What? HOOK: The children, you oaf! SMEE: (Wipes invisible tear) You’re pregnant? HOOK: (Self consciously) Do I really look that big? (Breaks out of his self-conscious mindset) Shut up! PETER lightly stirs.


PETER: Wendy? HOOK: Look what you’ve done! You’ve nearly awoken the dastardly boy! SMEE: That’s good! You can finally have your duel to the death. HOOK: No! SMEE: Why? You're the cap’n of the sea! HOOK: (Mutters) Idon’tlikeseeingblood. SMEE: What? HOOK: (Ashamed) I…don’t like the sight of blood. Especially my own. SMEE: I’m sorry, I didn’t know… Allow me to sing a forgiveness song to make it up to you. (Breaks into off-key song)

Oh, Hook! Oh, Hook! Forgive me of my faults! PETER stirs again. HOOK: Just leave, you doof! SMEE gives a salute and exits. HOOK: Now, to finally rid my life of…the boy. He produces the bottle of poison and holds it aloft. HOOK: THIS should get rid of him. An intricate mix of all the poisons found in Neverland. My favorites being Oobleck and Swittertwit. Mixed into a sweet, unassuming concoction. It almost looks like apple juice… (He moves as if to drink it) Ha! You seriously think I’d drink my own poison? That’s something a dimwit like Smee would do. SMEE: (Offstage) Hey!


HOOK: Onwards. (Hovering over PETER) Look at him lying there. He looks so peaceful. Innocent, even. Maybe I… Maybe I shouldn’t kill him. (Sits on bed next to PETER) Y’know, all you REALLY did was cut off my favorite arm and throw it to a crocodile… Right. That's why I wanted to kill you. I’m going to kill Peter Pan! HOOK begins an excited victory dance. TINKER BELL enters, sees HOOK, and hides immediately. PETER stirs again, alarming HOOK. HOOK: (Lullaby)

Hush little Peter, don't say a word. Hooky’s gonna kill you with poison juice…

(Mutters) He definitely won't say a word once he’s dead! That was a close one. Now, the poison… (Sees medicine) Ah, perfect! He has not yet taken his medicine. (He pours the poison into the medicine.) In goes the poison. Out comes death! Mwa ha ha ha! HOOK exits, gleefully, as the NARRATOR enters. NARRATOR: Poor, poor Peter. He was cocky, yes, but losing such a young boy to the villainy of a crusty old pirate doesn’t seem fair. Now, I know you may think Peter only cared for himself, but once you see the next turn of events, you may reconsider. Okay, Tink, it’s safe to come out now. As the NARRATOR exits, TINKER BELL emerges from her hiding spot and wakes PETER. TINKER BELL: (Tinkles) PETER: (Awakening with a start) Wha? Who’s there? Show yourself! Lost Boys? Wait, I don't care about them. (Notices TINKER BELL) Tink? TINK: (Tinkles) PETER: What about the boys? They're taken! Wendy too? Pirates? I must save them! I knew something was wrong when they didn't come running back to me minutes after their departure! Oh, Wendy! I’ll drink my medicine in her honor! TINK: (Tinkles hurriedly)


PETER: What do you mean I can’t drink my medicine? Hook poisoned it? Tink, Hook is far too large to get down into our hideout. I heard a rumor he’s pregnant. PETER picks up the medicine, but when he attempts to drink it, TINKER BELL swipes it away. PETER: Oh, Tink! I know you don’t like Wendy, but you have to let me take my medicine! They fight over the bottle, until finally, in desperation, TINKER BELL drinks the medicine and collapses to the ground. PETER: Tinker Bell! You weren’t kidding! And now you’re dying! (He cries) TINK: (Tinkles) PETER: I’m not crying, you’re crying! TINK: (Quiet tinkling) PETER: What's that Tink? You'll get well again if children believe in fairies? Well okay! (To audience) Come on! Do you believe? If you want Tink to live clap your hands! (Audience claps) Okay. I see how it is. Can we bring the house lights up, please? (Beckons to tech crew, lights come up) You guys weren't enthusiastic enough. Well, I guess that’s it. Show’s over. TINK’S DEAD! PETER moves as if to leave the stage, but is stopped by the NARRATOR. NARRATOR: Uh, come on everyone! Make some noise to keep the show going! As the audience applauds, TINKER BELL slowly comes back to life, until she finally jumps to her feet, healed. PETER: Yes! Yes! Tinker Bell’s alive! TINKER BELL and PETER embrace. TINK: (Tinkles)


PETER: You saw a bright light, and a beautiful man? Oh, Tink, that was only me. TINK: (Playfully tinkles and punches PETER) PETER: Oh, Tink. I’m just so happy to have you back! But, I can’t help but feel like we’re forgetting something…hmmm. TINK: (Frantic tinkles) PETER: Oh, right! Our friends! It's time I defeat Captain Hook once and for all. It's him or me.


Scene 10

In which the PIRATES’ captives are freed by PETER, impersonating the crocodile. The final battle is joined, and HOOK is kicked by PETER into the real croc’s waiting mouth. At scene’s end, the victorious LOST BOYS decide to become pirates themselves, and they set sail for the Darling’s home. Characters: NARRATOR, WENDY, JOHN, MICHAEL, PETER, TINKER BELL, LOST BOYS, HIPPIES, PIRATES, NEVER BIRD, MERMAIDS

The HIPPIES and LOST BOYS, along with JOHN and MICHAEL, are tied together on the deck of the Jolly Roger. WENDY is separate, but also bound. The PIRATES lounge about, engaged in various pirate business. HOOK paces unhappily. NARRATOR enters, briefly, to set the scene. NARRATOR: While Peter thought about his nemesis, his nemesis was thinking about him. On the deck of his ship, the Jolly Roger, Captain James Hook looked over his captives. Though he should have been celebrating his long-awaited victory, he couldn’t shake a feeling that had been plaguing him since they had made their dastardly sneak attack. NARRATOR exits. HOOK: (Muttering to self) Bad form…bad form…bad form. SMEE looks up from his business. SMEE: Sir? Is everything alright? HOOK: Smee, may I ask you a personal question? SMEE: I thought you’d never ask, Captain! I’ve given it a lot of thought, and…yes. I will help you raise your baby. HOOK: Baby--I’M NOT PREGNANT, you dolt! PIRATES: (Laughing)


They stop as one when HOOK gives them a threatening look. HOOK: QUIET, you scugs! (To SMEE) I wanted to ASK you... What we did. To them. (Gestures to the captives) To Pan. Was that…bad form? GEORGE SCOURIE: (Overhearing) What is, “bad form,” Cap’n? GENTLEMAN STARKEY: That’s easy! “Bad form” is when you eat with your elbows on the table. CHARLES TURLEY: Naw, it’s when you re-gift a fruitcake at Christmas! COOKSON: MAKING a fruitcake in the first place, now THAT’S bad form. HOOK: SILENCE, dogs! This is a private conversation, and if you stick your nose into it once more, I’ll pull it off and make you eat it! He threatens them with his hook, and they immediately get back to their pirate business, twice as fast as before. WENDY: He means, was it cruel to trick us like he did. And the answer is yes. ALSATIAN FOGARTY: Well, yeah! Pirates are SUPPOSED to be cruel. ED TEYNTE: It’s in the pirate handbook. PIRATES: Yeah/It is/I read that part/Etc. HOOK turns his attention to the defiant WENDY. He is all charm--or at least, he thinks he is. HOOK: Nonsense. We pirates have a code. Can the sea be cruel? Of course. And it makes for cruel men. But when you stab someone in the back, you should at least do him the honor of looking him in the eye. Everyone looks at one another to see if somebody will contradict him. Nobody does. The TWINS pipe up: TWIN 1: Peter will stab you in the FRONT--


TWIN 2: --and look you in the back! CAPTIVES: (Cheering) HOOK: (Smiling) Oh, you poor, misguided youths. (To PIRATES:) They don’t know, do they? PIRATES: (Laughing) CURLY: Know what? HOOK: Pan is dead. I put poison in the medicine. CAPTIVES: No!/I don’t believe you!/Etc. SLIGHTLY: You monster! TIGER LILY: Not groovy, man! NIBS: The Food and Drug Administration will hear about this! HOOK: It’s over. Your little game of make-believe is at an end. Time to GROW UP. TOOTLES: NEVER! HOOK: Never? (Turning to JOHN) You. Surly one. Have you ever thought what it would be like to be a pirate? Grow your hair long, dress all in black, ignore society’s rules? JOHN: (Uncertain:) …no? HOOK: (Turning to MICHAEL) Or you. You wouldn’t have to be the baby with us. You’d be a man. A MANLY man. Tell me…(Leaning in) what would your pirate name be? WENDY: Don’t listen to him, Michael! CAPTIVES: Yeah!/Ignore him!/Etc. MICHAEL: …Blackbeard Joe.


CAPTIVES: (Wailing) HOOK: (To everyone) You see? Blackbeard Joe! And his brother, er...Edgelord Jack! And you, my dear… (To WENDY) You could be the Queen of the High Seas. Well, you’re their “mother.” What say you? WENDY: I’d rather die. CAPTIVES: (Cheering) HOOK: That can be arranged! Dogs! Go get the plank! The PIRATES break into their plank song as they leap into action: PIRATES:

Yo ho, yo ho, the frisky plank, You walks along it so, Till it goes down and you goes down To Davy Jones Below!

As the PIRATES engage in song and wander offstage to retrieve the plank, PETER appears and carefully unties the LOST BOYS and HIPPIES, then signals them to keep quiet and play along, quickly ducking back out of sight. When the PIRATES return, ED TEYNTE, who is in the rear, is stealthily picked off by PETER, who moves so quickly he is barely seen. SLIGHTLY: That’s one! HOOK: Indeed, lad! That one’s name is Johnny Plank, and he is a favorite among our crew of scoundrels. CURLY: No, not the plank, he means one of the pira-- CURLY is elbowed sharply in the ribs by another LOST BOY to keep from blabbing. SMEE: Heave to, men! Bring Johnny Plank to the starboard side! The PIRATES cross the stage.


HOOK: No, no, to port, you dogs! There are sharper rocks on that side. As the PIRATES turn in place per HOOK’s order, CHARLES TURLEY is the next to be picked off by PAN, who quickly disappears once more. SLIGHTLY: Two! SMEE: What’s the hold up, you lot? Cap’n said to set the plank to port! The dwindling group of PIRATES struggles with the plank. CECCO: Old Johnny’s feeling heavier, sir. CECCO is immediately pulled away by PETER after he says this. SLIGHTLY: Three! HOOK: (Directly to SLIGHTLY) What’s with the counting, twerp? SLIGHTLY: (Defiant) It’s the number of you stinky pirates that have gone overboard so far. HOOK and the PIRATES turn to look at STARKEY, who is the only remaining PIRATE struggling with the plank. This causes STARKEY himself to look about in fear. NOODLER: There’s a ghost on the ship! ROBERT MULLINS: We’re being punished for our bad form! GENTLEMAN STARKEY: I didn’t sign up for this--I’m outta here! He drops the plank and runs offstage in the opposite direction. The remaining PIRATES look about, nervously. SLIGHTLY: Four. HOOK: Ghost, shmost! The only punishment you dogs will get is my hook between your shoulder blades if you don’t get that plank into position.


SMEE: You heard him, men! There’s no such thing as ghosts, ghouls, or monsters. Nothing is waiting overboard but Davy Jones’s locker for mutinous cowards! Be brave, like the Cap’n. Suddenly, the ticking of croc’s clock is heard. HOOK’s face goes white with fear, and he shrinks next to SMEE. SMEE: (Elbowing HOOK) Be brave, Cap’n. HOOK: That noise! It’s…it’s… PETER makes his entrance. He holds his sword aloft. PETER: Groovy Grandmaster Pan! CAPTIVES: (Cheer) Realizing the ruse, HOOK straightens up, and tries to recover his dignity. HOOK: Erm, well, “Grandmaster,” you may have picked off a few of my lesser dogs, but you’re still outmatched. SMEE: Big mistake. Big. Huge. PETER: My boys are more than a match for your dogs, Hooky. ALF MASON: Ha, too bad we tied them up with this rope! He comes forward, holding the now untied rope aloft. After a beat, the LOST BOYS and HIPPIES spring into action poses. CAPTIVES: (War cry) PETER: Hook is mine, boys, but it’s open season on all pirates! A massive battle is joined. SLIGHTLY continues his count with every PIRATE that is defeated. SMEE is disabled but spared. The NEVER BIRD makes an appearance,


throwing her eggs as she crosses. Soon, only PETER and HOOK remain. The LOST BOYS keep their distance, looking on. HOOK: So, Pan, this is all your doing. PETER: Aye, James Hook, it is all my doing. HOOK: Proud and insolent youth, prepare to meet thy doom. PETER: You talk funny! PETER unleashes a flurry of blows, driving HOOK back onto the small ship’s prow. With a final swipe, PETER disarms HOOK of his sword, drawing blood. HOOK: Yowch! You cut my finger! I see blood! Ooh, I’m feeling woozy… SMEE: He’s not very good with blood… HOOK: Wh--who are you, Pan? WHAT are you? PETER: I'm youth, I'm joy, I'm a little bird that has broken out of the egg. HOOK: …And he says I talk funny. PETER: (Raising his sword) Say goodbye, villain! HOOK: (Cowering) Wait! You wouldn’t stab a pregnant man, would you? (He cradles his belly) That would be bad form. SMEE: I knew it! PETER pauses for a moment, seeming to hesitate. The ticking returns, and he sees the croc appear on the shadow screen. PETER: No. I wouldn’t. HOOK: (Relieved) Oh, good, I--


PETER kicks him over the prow. On the shadow screen, we see him tumble into the croc’s mouth. HOOK: Baaad fooooorm! All cheer at HOOK’s demise. The NARRATOR reappears. NARRATOR: And with that, the evil Captain Hook was vanquished, along with all his men. Only Smee remained, and without the tyranny of Hook to keep him in line, he quickly changed his tune. SMEE: You know I, uh, never really wanted to be a pirate. Being a Lost Boy always looked like more fun. PETER: Well that’s too bad, because the Lost Boys are over. LOST BOYS: What?/Huh?/What’s he mean?/Etc. PETER: Long live Captain Pan and his Lost Dogs! LOST BOYS: (Cheering) HIPPIES: (Hippie salute) Groovy Grandmaster Captain Pan! PETER: Now, Smee, show me how to work this ship. We need to get these Darlings back home. WENDY: Oh, Peter, do you really mean it? JOHN: You’ll take us home? MICHAEL: (Bawling) But I don’t WANNA go home! WENDY: We must. I’ve been a mother so long, I can barely remember what it’s like to be myself! Think about it: can you remember anything about our old lives? What color is our bedroom? Who is our nurse? MICHAEL: Um…Lassie?


WENDY: You see? The longer we stay here, the closer we come to forgetting everything. We HAVE to go back. What about school? TWIN 1: What’s school? TWIN 2: I want one! LOST BOYS: Yeah!/Give me school!/Etc. PETER: There’ll be school for all of you! I’m sure Wendy’s parents will take those that want it. The Darling children suddenly remember that their parents must be waiting for them. DARLINGS: Our parents! MICHAEL: I almost forgot about them. JOHN: We are gonna be SO grounded. TINKER BELL enters, escorting the MERMAIDS. TINKER BELL: (Tinkles) PETER: Whoa, Tink, you’re getting along with the mermaids now? TAIL-OR: She said you might need our help! GREAT BIG LITTLE PANTHER: Whoa, man, am I seeing things, or are those, like, FISH people? LEAN WOLF: I’m seeing it too, man! I’m freaking out! FINIQUA: How have you lived in Neverland all this time and never seen a mermaid? TAIL-OR: What do you do all day? TIGER LILY: Yoga, mostly.


JOHN: Waverly! WAVERLY: John! They run to one another. JOHN: I…I have to leave Neverland. We’re going home. WAVERLY: (Hurt) You’re breaking up with me?! JOHN: No, never! Our love is not just a phase, remember? TAIL-OR & FINIQUA: Awww… WAVERLY: So you’re going to be on the other side of the world, unable to see me, unable to hear me, unable to even TEXT me? And you’ll still love me? JOHN: Always. WAVERLY: That is so…poetic! They embrace. PETER: As it happens, my fishy friends, there IS something you can do for us. These hippies need a ride back to camp. FINIQUA: Well hop on, cool cats! The HIPPIES each grab the shoulders of a MERMAID and begin to leave. TAIL-OR: Which way to camp? The NEVER BIRD reappears. NEVER BIRD: Follow-me! They begin to make their way offstage. GREAT BIG LITTLE PANTHER: Heh heh, check it out, man!


LEAN WOLF: What? GREAT BIG LITTLE PANTHER: (Points to TIGER LILY and her MERMAID) Cat…fish! They exit, laughing. PETER: Alright, heave to, dogs! Hoist the jib! Anchor the main sail! Flush the poop deck! The rest exit, pushing PETER in the ship’s prow and doing their best approximation of pirate business. A shadow puppet of a ship makes its way across the screen. The NARRATOR enters. NARRATOR: And so they set sail. For several days and nights they made their way across the seas, closer and closer to the home of the Darlings. With Wendy’s help, the Lost Boys began to dream of real life, with school, and chores, and nurses, and mothers and fathers. And although he had no interest in such things, Peter allowed them to dream, for he knew dreams to be terribly important, whether one is a Lost Boy, or a pirate, or a nurse--whatever THAT is.


Scene 11

In which the ship returns to the Darling’s home, and all are reunited. The LOST BOYS are adopted. Characters: NARRATOR, MR. DARLING, MRS. DARLING, NANA, LIZA, WENDY, JOHN, MICHAEL, PETER, TINKER BELL, LOST BOYS

NARRATOR: Now, let’s check back in on the Darling parents. Mr. Darling had begun to blame himself for the children’s disappearance, having locked Nana outside on that fateful night, and Mrs. Darling wished more than ever she had never gone to that party. The NARRATOR exits as MR. and MRS. DARLING enter, with NANA and LIZA in tow. MRS. DARLING: I should have just stayed home and watched the children! MR. DARLING: Well, it’s nearly bedtime. I’m going to go sleep outside, like a dog, which is all I deserve. NANA: You really don’t have to do that. MRS. DARLING: Goodnight, dear. Liza? LIZA: Yuh huh. MRS. DARLING: Make sure he takes his medicine. MR. DARLING: Just put it in a dog dish for me. LIZA shrugs at this, and follows MR. DARLING offstage. MRS. DARLING: Nana, you made sure the window was left unlocked, right? NANA: Every night, Mrs. Darling. MRS. DARLING: Okay, good. Do you want to sleep in the children’s bed again tonight? NANA: I mean, I’m not going to say no.


They lie down in fitful sleep. PETER and TINKER BELL cross the shadow screen, and then enter, being careful not to wake NANA and MRS. DARLING. PETER: Okay, everybody’s dusted up and ready to fly, Tink. Heh…I just had a naughty idea. What if we lock the window so Wendy thinks her parents don’t care about her? Then she’d HAVE to stay with me forever! (To the sleeping MRS. DARLING) What do you think about that, huh, MOM? MRS. DARLING: (In her sleep, crying) Oh, Wendy, John, Michael! PETER: (Sighs) Okay, okay, bad idea. Tink, let’s get out of here and let them have their big, sappy moment. PETER and TINKER BELL leave, crossing the shadow screen before the Darling children do in the opposite direction. The children walk onstage. MICHAEL: Wow, I think I’ve been here before! JOHN: Of course you have! This is our old room. Hey--am I crazy or did I see Dad out in the dog house? MICHAEL: Where is he supposed to be? WENDY: I guess we must remember less than we thought. JOHN: (Points to bed) Look, there’s Mother! MICHAEL: Wait, I thought Wendy was Mother?! JOHN: Okay, that’s it, bedtime for baby. WENDY: Bedtime for all of us! Let’s sneak in and pretend like we were here are along. They sneak into bed with MRS. DARLING and NANA and pretend to sleep. Slowly, MRS. DARLING stirs. It takes her several moments to believe her eyes.


MRS. DARLING: Wendy!? John!? Michael! She embraces the children. NANA wakes up. NANA: (Like an overexcited puppy) You’re back, you’re back, you’re back, oh boy oh boy oh boy! MR. DARLING and LIZA reenter. MR. DARLING: Honey, we’re out of medicine…and dog food. We--children!? You came back! He rushes to embrace them. MR. DARLING: They came back! Liza, get in here! LIZA reluctantly crosses to the bed, and awkwardly allows MR. DARLING to include her in the group hug. The NARRATOR enters. NARRATOR: It was a beautiful moment, everything a good story deserves. And Peter watched it all from outside the window, knowing he had done the right thing. But the story doesn’t end there. I’m sure you want to know what happened to the Lost Boys! Well, in they came, one by one, all standing in a line before the Darlings. The LOST BOYS enter and stand in a line, looking meek. MRS. DARLING: And who are all THESE boys? WENDY: LOST Boys. JOHN: They’re our best friends, and we love them! (Catching himself) I mean, they’re fine, I guess. Whatever. MICHAEL: Can we keep them, Daddy? Can we? MR. DARLING: (Uncertain) That’s a LOT of mouths to feed… TWIN 1: (Pathetically) Do you think we’re too much to handle?


TWIN 2: …Because we can go back to living on our own. MR. DARLING sighs. NIBS: We would try not to take up a lot of room. We sleep in a big pile! WENDY: I can basically take care of them myself! MRS. DARLING: Oh, George, look at their cute little faces! MR. DARLING: Well, they would have to respect me as the man of this house… TOOTLES: Oh, we’d respect you, right, Slightly? SLIGHTLY: We’d TOTALLY respect him, right, Curly? CURLY: Welllll… LOST BOYS: CURLY! CURLY: I mean, yes, right, of course! MR. DARLING finishes mulling it over. MR. DARLING: Then we’ll put you in the guest room! LOST BOYS: (Cheer) MR. DARLING: Nana! NANA: (Snaps to military attention) Yes, sir! MR. DARLING: Your nursely duties just got a lot more complicated! Get these young recruits set up in the guest room. NANA: Er, do we HAVE a guest room? MR. DARLING: Just do it, Nana.


NANA: (Back at attention) Sir, yes, sir! MR. DARLING: Good dog! NANA: Thank you, sir! Company, MARCH! NANA and the LOST BOYS exit in crisp, military fashion. LIZA is relieved to escape the love fest and follows them, leaving just the Darling family onstage. MRS. DARLING: (Pulling them close) They came back! Blackout.


Scene 12

The epilogue, in which time moves quickly for the Darling house between PETER’s visits. Characters: NARRATOR, MRS. DARLING, WENDY (/JANE), PETER

NARRATOR: (Enters) Now, I see some wet eyes out there in the house, but don’t feel too badly. Peter came back, you know! He knew the way, both by sky and by ship, and it wasn’t long after the Darlings returned that he came tumbling through the window again. The NARRATOR exits as WENDY enters and sits on the bed. PETER flies across the shadow screen and then careens onstage. PETER: Wendy! Come quick, the croc has an infected tooth! WENDY: Peter… MRS. DARLING enters at the sound. MRS. DARLING: Wendy, is everything okay in there? Oh-- PETER: (Making a cross with his fingers) Stay back, adult! MRS. DARLING: And who is this one, now? WENDY: This is Peter. Peter Pan. MRS. DARLING: Yes, I…I know it is. WENDY: Peter, this is my mother. PETER: Listen, lady, I don’t have any beef with you. I just need Wendy for a little crocodile dentistry in Neverland. He grabs for WENDY, but MRS. DARLING grabs back.


MRS. DARLING: No way! I already lost her once, and I won’t let it happen again! WENDY: But Mother, if you were so worried about me going back to Neverland, why do you keep leaving the window unlocked? MRS. DARLING: I don’t know, it just seemed…right, somehow. PETER: (Realizing) You WANT her to go! MRS. DARLING: Absolutely not! Why…why don’t you stay with us, little boy? After all, what’s one more child in the guest room? George got that promotion, so there’s plenty of food to go around. PETER: You want ME to stay? MRS. DARLING: And why not? PETER: Would I have to go to school? MRS. DARLING: Of course. PETER: And then to an office? MRS. DARLING: Eventually, yes. PETER: So I would become a man. MRS. DARLING: In time. PETER: Nuh-uh, lady! NOBODY asks Peter Pan to grow up! WENDY: Peter will never stay. PETER: (Pointing) Listen to her, she speaks the truth! WENDY: But I won’t stay AWAY, Mother. I promise. Can’t you let me go, just for a little while? I know the way back. MRS. DARLING: I’m not sure…


PETER: How about this: once a year, Wendy comes to stay in Neverland for a week. Call it…spring break. MRS. DARLING: Spring break? PETER: And then she can come back and do school, or offices, or whatever gross thing you want her to do. MRS. DARLING: You promise? PETER: Pinky swear. And a Peter Pan pinky swear is punishable by death. MRS. DARLING: Well, that doesn’t instill me with a HUGE amount of confidence, but…alright. They pinky swear. WENDY: Oh, thank you, Mother! They hug, and PETER and WENDY fly away. MRS. DARLING looks nervous, but ultimately walks away, in acceptance. The NARRATOR enters. NARRATOR: And that’s how it was, for a long time. Peter would come and whisk her away to fresh adventures once a year, and each time, she would come back, safe and sound--if a little scraped up. PETER and WENDY cross the stage several times, indicating multiple years of adventure. PETER: Come on, Wendy, the hippies have cornered a spider, but none of them are willing to kill it! NARRATOR: Except after awhile, he started missing years. Peter was never good with time that wasn’t inside a crocodile, you see. And Wendy got older, and bigger, and flying got harder every year. PETER: Captain WHO?


WENDY: Hook! He was your biggest enemy? PETER: Eh, I forget ‘em after I kill ‘em! In the next lap across the stage, WENDY falls behind, and lets go of PETER’s hand. NARRATOR: Until finally, Peter barely came at all. WENDY sits on the bed once more. Eventually, she curls up to sleep. PETER enters again. PETER: Hey Wendy, there’s this HUGE fairy party happening-- NARRATOR: (To PETER) That’s not Wendy. PETER is so surprised by her, he falls into a karate stance. PETER: Wha-hu-who?! NARRATOR: That’s not Wendy. That’s my daughter, Jane. NARRATOR: Jane? (Inspecting “JANE”) Huh. Yeah, I guess she looks a little different. Pretty close, though. (To NARRATOR) So where’s Wendy? NARRATOR: Right here. PETER: Huh? NARRATOR: It’s me, Peter. I’M Wendy. PETER: Wendy?! Why didn’t you tell me you were a shapeshifter? That would have come in handy! NARRATOR: (Chuckles) I’m not a shapeshifter, Peter. I’m just old. I grew up. PETER: Grew…up? NARRATOR: I married Tootles, and that’s our daughter. Her name is Jane. PETER is stunned, and has to steady himself on the bed next to JANE.


PETER: What about John? NARRATOR: He became a poet. Turns out it wasn’t a phase. PETER: Baby Michael? NARRATOR: Professional wrestler. PETER: They all grew up… NARRATOR: That’s what kids do. PETER: (Indicating JANE) And this one? NARRATOR: Jane. PETER: Does she take…spring breaks? NARRATOR: (Smiling) Why don’t you come back tomorrow and find out? PETER: Okay, Wendy. (He stands and crosses to the NARRATOR) Goodbye. NARRATOR: Goodbye, Peter Pan. She hugs him closely, which is sweet for a moment, until PETER starts to squirm. PETER: Ugh, ugh, okay, gotta go! He flies away. The NARRATOR sits at the foot of JANE’s bed. NARRATOR: (Sighs) So, that’s it. The whole thing, exactly as it happened. The story of Peter and Wendy. (She stands, shaking off her emotion) But, don’t just take MY word for it. The entire cast rushes the stage. ALL: Take ours!


The End


Peter Pan - Lakeshore Players...

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