MY RACIST FATHER-IN-LAW

"Pilot"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2015

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

HERM (65, black) is talking to a TENANT (male, 28, black).

TENANT

I gotta say, Mr. Jones. You might

be a cranky lunatic, but you fix

stuff better than any other super

in any building I’ve ever lived in.

HERM

And I gotta say, you might be an

asshole, but

TENANT

... But what?

HERM

Ain’t no but. You’re an asshole.

TENANT

Come on, Mr. Jones. I was

complimenting you.

HERM

What about the whole cranky lunatic

thing?

TENANT

Well. I’m just saying. Today, you

fixed my toilet--but yesterday, you

got mad at me because my goldfish

was making too much noise.

HERM

That’s ’cause you got a loud ass

goldfish.

TENANT

Or maybe it’s ’cause this building

has thin walls.

HERM

Then maybe you should move to the

Trump Tower, where they got thick

walls.

TENANT

I would--but they don’t let any

black people in there.

2.

HERM

Yeah. It’s just like the White

House.

TENANT

How is it just like the White

House? Obama is President.

HERM

He’s half white. America ain’t

gonna let no legitimate black man

in the White House. If I were to

step one foot into the Oval Office,

they would turn the damn hoses on

me.

TENANT

Um. OK.

HERM

So do you need anything else?

TENANT

No. But, uh, how’s Karen doing? I

haven’t seen her since she got

married.

HERM

Karen is fine.

TENANT

Tell her I said hi.

HERM

Alright. I’ll her the asshole in

apartment 3G said hi.

TENANT

You know, I smell a lot of bacon

coming from your apartment. You

think Karen would approve of your

diet?

HERM

She’s my daughter. I tell her what

to eat.

TENANT

But she’s a nutritionist.

HERM

And I’m a building superintendent.

And you’re an asshole. What’s your

point?

3.

TENANT

I guess I don’t have a point. Say,

uh, I heard she married Jackie

Chan’s cousin or something.

HERM

What? No. She married Denzel

Washington’s cousin.

TENANT

My sister said she saw Karen with

some Asian dude.

HERM

Well. Karen’s my daughter. I was at

the wedding. Aretha Franklin

performed at the party. I know who

Karen is married to. A black man.

TENANT

A legitimate black man?

HERM

Yeah.

TENANT

Yo. But my sister said she looked

up Karen on Facebook, and it says

there that her name is now Karen

Jones Nakamura. That means she

married some dude named Mr.

Nakamura.

HERM

So. Just because some guy is Denzel

Washington’s cousin, that doesn’t

mean he has to have the last name

Washington. Most cousins don’t have

the same last name.

TENANT

Most legitimate black men don’t

have the last name Nakamura.

HERM

Well some do.

TENANT

Is he half black, half Asian?

HERM

He’s half black, half black.

Nakamura is a Swahili name. Karen

(MORE)

4.

HERM (cont’d)

is married to a legitimate black

man, end of story, close the book,

and tell your damn goldfish to stop

making making so much noise.

TENANT

Alright. I’m just saying. It seems

like Karen’s married to an Asian

guy.

HERM

It seems like you don’t now when

you should mind your damn business.

TENANT

Man. You don’t need to get all

crazy. There’s nothing wrong with a

black woman marrying an Asian dude.

Don’t forget what Dr. King said. I

have a dream...

HERM

Yeah--I know about the dream, OK?

Don’t be quoting Dr. King to me.

I’ll quote Dr. King to you. I was

standing right next to Dr. King

during the Million Man March. I

organized the event with him.

TENANT

Well then you know how Dr. King’s

dream was interracial.

HERM

I know Martin Luther King was

married to a legitimately black

woman, just like how Karen is

married to a legitimately black

man.

TENANT

Right. Yeah. Mr. Nakamura. I guess

Nakamura is Swahili for bullshit.

INT. HERM AND BEA’S APARTMENT - DAY

Herm is talking to his wife BEA (65, black).

5.

HERM

That asshole in 3G--he’s spreading

rumors about how Karen’s married to

some Asian guy.

BEA

But she is married to an Asian guy.

HERM

Shhh. Not so loud, honey. You know

how thin these walls are.

(loudly, to a wall)

That’s true, honey. Karen is

married to a black man. She’s

married to Denzel Washington’s

cousin. Who’s also Barack Obama’s

brother. His legitimately black

brother, on the legitimately black

side of his family.

BEA

Herm, enough.

HERM

Honey. This is Brooklyn--not

Beijing. We can’t advertise the

fact that Karen’s married to a

Chinaman.

BEA

Her husband is Japanese.

HERM

Chinaman, Japanman--he definitely

ain’t no black man.

INT. INTERNET COMPANY CAFETERIA - DAY

HARUTO (male, 30, Japanese), TIM (30), and JACK (50) are

seated at a table and eating lunch.

JACK

It’s my birthday today.

HARUTO

Oh. Happy birthday.

JACK

They’re gonna fire me.

6.

HARUTO

Why?

JACK

Well. I heard the office is gonna

get a cake for my birthday.

HARUTO

And?

JACK

And I think they know I’m turning

50.

HARUTO

And?

JACK

What do you mean and? This is an

internet company. It’s a young

man’s game around here. Once you

turn 50, they take you out back and

shoot you in the head. You know.

(sings)

Happy birthday to you / Happy

birthday to you / Happy birthday

(stops singing)

Bang! Bang! You’re fired, you old

son of a bitch!

HARUTO

They’re not gonna fire you just

because you’re 50.

JACK

Well. They won’t if they don’t know

that I’m 50. Do me a favor, and

tell everyone that we went to high

school together.

HARUTO

What?

JACK

Just bring it up, casually, when

everyone’s eating my birthday

cake. Just say to me, "Remember

that time we were in high school,

and for your 17th birthday, we

drove around looking for a hooker?

7.

HARUTO

How about instead of me doing that,

I just take you out back and I

shoot you in the head.

TIM

I’ll do it.

JACK

You’ll shoot me in the head?

TIM

No. I’ll tell everyone that we went

to high school together.

JACK

Really?

TIM

Yeah. I can even photoshop a

picture of us as two 17 year olds.

With a hooker.

JACK

Awesome.

HARUTO

How is that awesome? Everyone knows

you’re in your late 40s. We’ve all

heard you talk about your

collection of disco records.

JACK

A lot of people our age collect

disco records.

HARUTO

You’re not our age.

JACK

So what? That doesn’t mean they

should fire me. I have three

decades worth of coding

experience. I even know about

ancient internet history--like back

in the day, when people had hand

crank computers, and they used a

program called Netscape Navigator

to go to a website called MySpace.

TIM

You mean those things actually

existed? I thought that was just a

Nerdic legend.

8.

Their boss PEYTON (35) walks up to Jack.

PEYTON

Jack--I just talked to

headquarters. They need you to

finish the green project by

tomorrow.

JACK

You know, that reminds me of the

time Tim and I were in high school,

and they always served us green

beans in the cafeteria.

PEYTON

... What the hell were Tim and you

doing in high school?

JACK

You know. Going to classes, and

eating green beans.

PEYTON

You guys went to high school

together?

JACK

Yeah.

PEYTON

You mean, during the same decade?

JACK

Of course during the same decade.

PEYTON

That’s weird. A year ago, you told

me that back when you were in high

school, you once went to a Gloria

Gaynor concert.

JACK

I didn’t say Gloria Gaynor. I said

Justin Bieber.

PEYTON

You went to a Justin Bieber concert

when you were in high school?

JACK

Justin Timberlake. And um, let me

just point out that regardless of

what age I am chronologically, I’m

(MORE)

9.

JACK (cont’d)30 years old technologically. I’m

halfway between Justin Bieber and

Gloria Gaynor.

PEYTON

She’s in her 60s and he’s in his

20s--so that would make you

somewhere in your 40s.

JACK

No. I, uh, listen to Justin Beiber

twice as often as I listen to

Gloria Gaynor--so that would make

me 30.

PEYTON

(robotically)

Great. Bye.

He walks away.

JACK

You think he’s gonna fire me for

being 50?

HARUTO

No. He’s gonna fire you for liking

Justin Bieber.

A few seconds pass.

TIM

I need to ask you a question about

your area of expertise.

HARUTO

Coding?

TIM

No.

HARUTO

Online payment processing?

TIM

No.

HARUTO

Saki?

10.

TIM

You’re getting a little closer--but

no.

HARUTO

Then what?

TIM

How can I pick up black women?

HARUTO

How the hell should I know?

TIM

You’re married to one.

HARUTO

Oh yeah. Right. Well, I’m not an

expert on picking up black women. I

just happened to be married to a

woman who happens to be black.

TIM

Right. So you didn’t use, like,

some sort of algorithm to get her?

HARUTO

Of course not. Well--I might’ve

consulted with an algorithm. But I

relied on my heart. Also, I got

Karen really drunk on our third

date.

JACK

So how’s your marriage going?

HARUTO

Great. But tonight, we’re having

our parents over. And there’s no

algorithm that can show me how to

deal with Mr. Herm Johnson.

INT. BAKERY - DAY

Herm is talking to an EMPLOYEE (male, 35).

HERM

I need a cake.

EMPLOYEE

OK. Do you have a specific kind of

cake in mind?

11.

HERM

Do I look like I have time to think

about specific cakes? I’m a busy

man. I’m a building superintendent.

Just give me a damn cake so I can

get the hell out of there. I don’t

want to spend all day in a bakery,

like some damn idiot.

EMPLOYEE

Um. OK. Well, for a busy man like

you, I’d recommend our most popular

item: the molten chocolate cake.

HERM

How much is that?

EMPLOYEE

19.99.

HERM

You want me to pay 19.99 for a

molten cake?!

EMPLOYEE

Well. Uh. I don’t know how to

answer that question.

HERM

I don’t need no molten. I just want

a cake--not a damn volcano.

EMPLOYEE

Well. Our Boston cream pie is

really good, and it’s only 10.99.

HERM

This is Brooklyn, jack! I don’t eat

no New England clam chowder.

EMPLOYEE

There’s no New England clam chowder

in a Boston Cream Pie.

HERM

I know that! I’m not ignorant! The

point is, I don’t want a Boston

anything. Boston and New York are

enemies. I don’t wear Red Sox, and

I don’t eat Boston cream.

12.

EMPLOYEE

OK. Well. We have lemon cake for

10.99. Do you have anything against

lemons?

HERM

Of course I don’t have anything

against lemons! What kind of a

lunatic do you think I am?!

INT. SMALL OFFICE ROOM - DAY

KAREN (30, black) is seated at her desk, and MARV (60,

white) and GINA (60, white) are seated across from her.

KAREN

And what do you typically have for

lunch?

MARV

Beer and potato chips.

KAREN

For lunch?

MARV

Yeah. I have a few beers, and maybe

two or three handfuls of potato

chips or Doritos, and maybe a

pickle.

GINA

(to Karen)

He usually doesn’t have a pickle.

MARV

I have a pickle pretty often.

GINA

But not usually.

MARV

Four times a week.

GINA

It’s more like two times a week.

MARV

It’s actually more like five times

a week.

13.

GINA

Marv. I think I would know if I’m

married to a man who eats five

pickles a week.

MARV

I think I know how many pickles I

eat a week. Why would I lie? I have

no motive to lie about my pickle

consumption. What--you think I’m

going around town, bragging about

how often I eat pickles?

GINA

Damn it, Marv--you don’t eat five

pickles a week!

KAREN

Well, uh--it doesn’t really matter

that much if he eats five pickles a

week or two pickles a week.

GINA

(to Marv)

You hear that, Marv? It doesn’t

even matter. You’ve been arguing

for nothing.

MARV

I’ve been arguing for nothing?

You’ve been arguing for nothing.

You started arguing about pickles

like some lunatic, insisting that I

eat two a week, when I know I eat

five a week.

GINA

It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t

matter if you claim it’s five, or

if I know it’s two.

(to Karen)

Mrs. Jones--regardless of how many

pickles my husband eats, should he

be drinking beer and eating

chips every day?

KAREN

No.

GINA

(to Marv)

You hear that, Marv? She said

you’re not supposed to have beer

(MORE)

14.

GINA (cont’d)and potato chips for lunch every

day. And she knows. She’s a

nutritionist.

MARV

Well why the hell shouldn’t I have

beer and chips for lunch?

GINA

What do you mean why shouldn’t you

have beer and chips for lunch?

(to Karen)

Tell him why he shouldn’t have beer

and chips for lunch.

KAREN

Because you need to have actual

food for lunch. Beer and chips have

almost no nutritional value.

GINA

(to Marv)

Did you hear that, Marv?

MARV

Yes I heard it! I’m right here, and

she said it, so I heard it.

GINA

Yeah. You heard it. But are you

gonna listen to it, and actually

stop having beer and chips for

lunch?

MARV

No. Because I’m not a bean sprout

eating hippie. I didn’t go to

Woodstock, I didn’t vote for

Clinton or Obama, and I feel

physically ill every time I pass by

a Whole Foods Market. Now can we

please get out of here and go home?

There’s a Nets game that’s starting

in 15 minutes.

GINA

(to Karen)

Did you hear that? He said he’s

gonna keep on having beer and

chips.

15.

MARV

Of course she heard it. She’s right

here, and I said it, so she heard

it.

KAREN

Well. Listen, Mr. Jackson. You know

the main thing I don’t like about

hippies?

MARV

Their unwillingness to wear normal

shoes.

KAREN

Well. Basically. I don’t like how

they’re extremists. I’m not an

extremist, and I’m not asking you

to be one, either. I’m not asking

you to camp out in a Whole Foods

Market and live on kale and quinoa.

MARV

Quino-what?

KAREN

Quinoa. It’s a food.

MARV

It sounds like it tastes like crap.

I’ll bet Michelle Obama wants to

force everyone to eat quinoa day

and night. I hate her. But not

because she’s black. I hate her

because she’s a communist.

KAREN

Well. Here’s my main message. If

you want to eat chips and drink

beer, you can eat chips and drink

beer. Just not for lunch every

single day. How about

you substitute, like, half of those

beers with juice and water, and

half of those chips with sandwiches

or cereal or fruit?

MARV

Well. I, uh, I suppose I can do

that.

(to Gina)

She’s a nice girl.

(to Karen)

(MORE)

16.

MARV (cont’d)

You know, I wish Barack Obama would

divorce that communist wife of his,

marry you, and make you the head of

nutrition.

KAREN

Well. I’m already married--so I’m

gonna have to reject President

Obama’s proposal.

INT. LI AND SOO-YI’S APARTMENT - DAY

This entire scene is in Japanese with English subtitles

Li (65) is talking to SOO-YI (60).

LI

(in Japanese with English

subtitles)

What do you think Haruto’s wife is

going to make for dinner?

SOO-YI

(in Japanese with English

subtitles)

How should I know?

LI

Probably some sort of ethnic dish.

I believe the blacks call their

cuisine soul food.

SOO-YI

What kind of food is soul food?

LI

I was reading an article about it

the other day. Soul food is

biscuits, and macaroni and cheese,

and bizarre parts of a pig--with

hot sauce on everything, and the

blacks wash it all down with sugary

iced tea. That woman--she is going

to make Haruto fat. You should

teach her how to make traditional

Japanese dishes.

SOO-YI

I hardly even know her. What do you

want me to do--start rolling sushi

in their kitchen? Anyways--I doubt

(MORE)

17.

SOO-YI (cont’d)she makes that type of food often.

After all--she is a nutritionist.

LI

You know, I am not looking forward

to seeing her father. He strikes me

as the type of person who is always

looking to start some shit.

SOO-YI

Well. You are also always looking

to start some shit.

LI

Not the way he is always looking to

start some shit.

INT. SMALL APARTMENT (DINING AREA) - NIGHT

Haruto and Karen are sitting at the dining table.

KAREN

Alright. I think I have the dishes

that’ll appease everyone. Miso

soup, quinoa and roasted pepper

chili, and mac and cheese.

HARUTO

Sounds great. Remind me again why

we’re doing this.

KAREN

Because we’re, um, a married

couple. This is what married

couples do.

HARUTO

Remember the last time your parents

and my parents were in the same

room?

KAREN

Yeah. Our wedding.

HARUTO

And at that wedding, how many times

did your father ask my father to

prove that he’s a legal resident of

America?

18.

KAREN

Twice. What’s your point?

HARUTO

Your father’s racist.

KAREN

And?

HARUTO

One of the racial groups he’s

racist towards is Asians.

KAREN

And?

HARUTO

And there are gonna be three Asians

here with him.

KAREN

It’s OK. My father will behave

himself. He’s actually a very

tolerant guy, once you get to know

him.

HARUTO

Really?

KAREN

Of course not. He actually becomes

less tolerant once you get to know

him. But the point is, you’re

married to me.

HARUTO

And?

KAREN

And I’m married to you.

HARUTO

And?

KAREN

And our parents haven’t seen each

other since our wedding.

HARUTO

And?

19.

KAREN

And that was six months ago.

HARUTO

And?

KAREN

And stop saying "and."

Haruto takes out his iPhone and types on it. Karen’s iPhone

signals that she has a text message. She takes out her phone

and looks at the message. It says "And?"

Karen looks at Haruto.

HARUTO

I didn’t say "and." I texted it.

KAREN

Great. When we’re in bed tonight, I

won’t have sex with you. I’ll text

you.

HARUTO

That sounds kind of hot. What are

you gonna text me?

KAREN

Not my vagina. And I thought

we were talking about dinner. How

come you turned

the conversation towards sex?

HARUTO

You’re the one who started up with

all that talk about texting me in

bed. Before that, I was just

discussing what kind of a fight our

parents are gonna get in.

KAREN

They’re not gonna get into a fight.

They’re gonna...

HARUTO

Get along with each other?

KAREN

No.

HARUTO

Not get on each other’s nerves?

20.

KAREN

You’re getting warmer.

HARUTO

Not fight?

KAREN

Well. They’re gonna fight a little

bit.

HARUTO

Because your dad’s gonna start

something.

KAREN

Who says it’s gonna be my dad?

HARUTO

Um. Well. Let me ask you this. How

often does your dad get along with

non-black people?

KAREN

Well. Let’s see. There was this

time he said hi to our white

mailman.

HARUTO

And what did he say after the

mailman left?

KAREN

Um. Something about how white

mailmen steal stamps from black

people, and how the zip code 11225

is racist.

The doorbell rings. Karen walks over to the front door. She

opens it to reveal her Bea and Herm. Herm is holding a cake

box.

BEA

Baby!

Bea walks in and hugs Karen.

HERM

Hi princess.

Herm walks in and hugs Karen. He walks over to Haruto.

21.

HERM

How you doing, Karate?

HARUTO

Uh--my name’s Haruto.

HERM

Haruto, Karate, Roto Rooter,

whatever.

BEA

Now Herm--don’t be rude. Call the

boy by his name.

HERM

OK.

(semi-reluctantly)

Haruto.

(hands him a cake)

Here’s your cake. The most

expensive one they had.

HARUTO

Well thank you for that, Mr. Jones.

Can I get you a drink? The most

expensive one we have?

HERM

I’ll have as scotch and soda. And,

uh, don’t put any seaweed in that.

BEA

(to Haruto)

(friendly)

It’s so nice to see you again,

Karate-toe.

HARUTO

Uh... It’s Har...

The doorbell rings again.

Karen opens it to reveal Li and Soo-Yi.

(Note: Li and Soo-Yi have very thick Japanese accents.)

Li smiles and extends his hand.

LI

Hello Karen.

Karen smiles and shakes his hand.

22.

KAREN

Hi, Mr. Nakamura.

LI

Please--call me Li.

KAREN

OK. Li.

SOO-YI

Karen--how are you?

KAREN

Fine. Please, come on in.

SOO-YI

(hands her a bottle)

We brought you this bottle of saki.

KAREN

Oh. Thank you.

Li sees Haruto. They bow to each other. Haruto then turns to

Soo-Yi. They also bow to each other.

HERM

(quietly to Bea)

What the hell are they doing?

BEA

They’re bowing. It’s an Oriental

thing.

HERM

Well this ain’t the Orient. It’s

Brooklyn.

HARUTO

Mother, father--you remember the

Joneses.

LI

(to Herm and Bea)

(unfriendly)

Yes. Hello.

HERM

Yeah. Origami to you, too.

LI

Origami?

23.

HERM

Yeah. You know. Isn’t that "hello"

in Oriental?

LI

It’s not origami. It’s arigato. And

it means "thank you"--not "hello."

And it’s a Japanese word--not an

Oriental word. And I’m Chinese--not

Japanese.

HARUTO

Dad. You’re Japanese--not Chinese.

LI

But I like correcting him.

HARUTO

Dad. Work with me here, OK?

LI

(to Herm)

I am Japanese. And hello in

Japanese is "konnichiwa." Not

"arigato"--and definitely not

"origami."

HERM

And in English, hello is hello--and

not

(imitates Li’s thick Japanese

accent / pronunciation)

herro.

LI

What. You don’t like my English?

HERM

Who said that? I

(imitates Li’s thick Japanese

accent / pronunciation)

rike-a-yo-Engrish.

LI

(yells at Herm in Japanese)

HERM

What did you say about my mama?

LI

Nothing. I said (repeats what he

said in Japanese).

24.

HERM

What the hell does that mean?

LI

An apple a day keeps the doctor the

away, and I want to punch you in

the face.

HERM

Oh. You want to have a karate

fight?

LI

I will do karate. You will do sumo

wrestling, fatso.

HERM

Who are you calling a fatso? I

weight 204 pounds of pure muscle.

LI

Listen, fat man. Put down the

donuts, and eat an apple a day.

HARUTO

OK! Enough! Can we just sit down

for a second and, you know, have a

few drinks, and have a normal

evening with normal conversations

featuring normal people?

HERM

Well. I’ll be normal if Mr. Origami

here will be normal.

LI

Stop saying origami!

HERM

I can say origami if I want to say

origami. This is a free country.

This isn’t Japan.

LI

Japan is a free country. And you

look like Free Willy--you fat

whale.

HARUTO

Normal! A normal conversation!

Normal. OK?

A few seconds pass.

25.

KAREN

So. Who wants a drink?

BEA

I’ll take a shot of saki.

SOO-YI

And I’ll have a bottle of whiskey.

(Cut to Later)

Everyone is seated at a table with place settings, and half

full plates of mac n’ cheese and/or quinoa and roasted

pepper chili.

HERM

...So, that’s when I told Barack,

"I think you should go into

politics. You know. America might

not vote for a legitimate black

man--but they will vote for a half

black man like you."

SOO-YI

Uh. That’s very interesting, Mr.

Jones.

HERM

Please. Call me Herm.

BEA

Herm. You’ve never met Barack Obama

before.

HERM

Listen, honey. I do a lot of things

you don’t know about.

BEA

I know everything you do.

HERM

You don’t know half as much as you

think you do.

BEA

I know twice as much as you do.

HERM

What the hell do you know about me

that I don’t know about myself?

26.

BEA

Well. I read your blood test

results--so I know that you’re not

getting enough calcium in your

diet. And I also know that you talk

in your sleep about drinking Mai

Tais with Halle Berry.

HERM

Well you don’t have to announce all

of that to the world. It should

stay between me, my blood, and

Halle Berry.

KAREN

Speaking of Halle Berry, did you

know that she’s biracial? As in,

her parents aren’t the same race.

Just like how Haruto and I aren’t

the same race.

HERM

Honey. You don’t know what you’re

talking about. Halle Berry’s

parents are both legitimately

black.

KAREN

Dad. I Googled it. Halle Berry’s

mother is legitimately white.

HERM

I don’t know nothing about no

Google, or Facebook, or dot coms. I

didn’t get to where I am today by

listening to some internets.

LI

Exactly. You got to where you are

today by eating donuts, fat man.

HERM

That’s it, Mr. Origami! It’s karate

time!

HARUTO

No karate! OK?

(to Li)

Dad--stop starting stuff. Let’s

just, uh,

(to Herm)

Mr. Jones--go ahead and tell us

more about how you advised Obama to

run for President.

27.

HERM

What--you don’t believe me?

HARUTO

I believe you.

HERM

It sounds like you don’t believe

me. Admit it, karaoke. You want to

call me the n-word.

KAREN

Dad--stop trying to start a race

war. OK? And my husband’s name

isn’t karaoke. It’s Haruto.

HERM

Well. I’m an American building

super. I’m not a professional

Japanese name pronunciator.

SOO-YI

Uh. Karen--this is delicious.

What’s in it?

KAREN

It’s mostly peppers, zucchini,

beans, tomatoes, and quinoa.

HERM

Quino-what?

KAREN

Quinoa.

HERM

That doesn’t sound too good. Sounds

like the name of those feathers

that Indians put in their hair. I’m

not down with all that quinoa

nonsense.

BEA

Herm. You already ate a whole plate

of that quinoa nonsense.

HERM

That was when I thought it was

normal food, and not Indian

headwear.

28.

INT. KAREN AND HARUTO’S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - NIGHT

Haruto, Karen, Harm, Bea, Soo-Yi, and Li are seated at a

table with poker chips.

KAREN

Dad. Why are we playing poker?

HERM

Because this is the Asia-Africa

Olympics--and the event is Texas

Hold ’em. Oh. By the way. I got

some news.

BEA

What news? I don’t know about any

news.

HERM

Exactly. I told you that there are

a lot of things that you don’t know

about me.

(to Everyone)

Now, here’s the news. As you know,

the same company owns my building

and your building. And I’ve done so

many good repairs in my building,

that they’ve hired me to come to

this building from time to time and

do some repairs.

KAREN

Oh. That’s great. Congratulations,

dad.

HARUTO

Yeah. That’s great. I’ve heard

you’re really handy. You know,

we’re actually having a problem

with our toilet...

HERM

Yeah--I don’t start work here until

next week. In the meantime, just

use some Roto Rooter. Just like

your name.

HARUTO

Once again--my name is Haruto. Not

Roto Rooter.

29.

HERM

That’s why I named my daughter

Karen. You can’t confuse that name

with a plumbing supply product.

(to Karen)

Now, Karen. deal the cards.

Karen starts dealing two cards face down to everyone.

HERM

Let me ask you something, Mahuto.

Did you vote for Obama?

HARUTO

No. I don’t vote.

HERM

You don’t vote for black people?

HARUTO

I don’t vote, period.

HERM

Right. Because you’re an illegal

immigrant.

KAREN

Let’s change the subject.

HARUTO

I have a good one. What’s the deal

with white mailmen?

HERM

The deal is, they steal stamps from

black people.

HARUTO

Yeah. I’ve heard.

(Later)

Karen, Bea, and Soo-Yi, and are now watching TV, while

Haruto, Herm, and Li continue to play poker.

SOO-YI

That was an excellent meal, Karen.

I’ve never had mac and cheese

before.

KAREN

I’m glad you like it. It’s my

father’s favorite food.

30.

BEA

Yeah. Herm has it twice a week. On

Tuesdays with me, and on Fridays at

the White House with Obama.

Back at the poker table, each player has two face down

cards, and there are four community cards on the table.

HERM

I’m glad the lady-folk have taken

to watching TV. Poker is a man’s

game. Ain’t that right, Mahoto?

Haruto puts some chips in the pot.

HARUTO

Fifty cents.

Li folds.

Herm puts in some chips.

HERM

Raise to two dollars.

Haruto puts in some chips.

HARUTO

Raise to five dollars.

Herm puts in some chips.

HERM

I call.

Herm deals one more community card. He then puts a lot of

his chips into the pot.

HERM

Ten.

HARUTO

I call.

HERM

... I got nothing.

HARUTO

A pair of Jacks.

HERM

Why’d you call me? Because I’m

black?

31.

HARUTO

No. Because you were bluffing.

HERM

OK. I’ll give you that one. But you

better watch it from now on.

LI

I think Africa is losing the

Olympics.

(Later)

They’re playing a new hand. There are five community cards

on the table, and Harm and Haruto each have two face down

hole cards.

HERM

I check.

Haruto puts some chips in the pot.

HARUTO

Eight.

HERM

I call.

HARUTO

... Good call. I got nothing.

HERM

I knew you were bluffing. I could

see it in your eyes. I had to look

really hard, since your eyes are

Asian--but I saw the bluff in them.

HARUTO

Um. OK.

Herm flips over his hand.

HERM

Pair of tens. Score one for Africa.

(calls over to Bea)

Honey--go start the car. I’m gonna

take all of Hakuna’s money in the

next hand, and then you and me are

gonna take off.

KAREN

Daddy--his name is Haruto, not

Hakuna! He’s not a Disney

character.

32.

HERM

Honey. This is the Asia-Africa

Olympics. Why are you playing for

the Asian team?

KAREN

This isn’t the Asia-Africa

Olympics! There are no teams! It’s

just a married couple and their

four parents having dinner, and

watching TV, and playing poker.

There are no black people and no

Asian people. There are no races.

HERM

Then how come some people in this

room have slanted eyes, and some

people don’t?

KAREN

Daddy!

HERM

I’m just saying. Jerry Tucker is

still single, he still makes

$80,000 a year, and he’s still

black--so how come you’re not

dating him?

KAREN

Oh--I don’t know. Probably because

I’m married to the man I love.

BEA

That’s a good reason, honey.

HERM

That’s not a good reason.

SOO-YI

How is it not a good reason?

HERM

Oh. Now you’re arguing with me? I

thought Asian women weren’t so

confrontational.

LI

You thought wrong.

HERM

Let me ask you something. Don’t you

agree with me that my daughter

(MORE)

33.

HERM (cont’d)should be married to a black man,

and Mento should be married to a

Chinese woman?

LI

My son is Japanese. And his name is

Haruto--not Mento. He’s not a

breath mint.

HERM

You get my point. Wouldn’t you

rather have your son marry someone

with a name like Ming Wa, or Chang

La, or Fing Ma?

LI

What?

HERM

Wouldn’t you rather have your son

marry someone Asian?

LI

Well. I don’t want to comment on

that.

HERM

Because you agree with me.

KAREN

Dad. Look. I get where you’re

coming from with all of this.

HARUTO

You do?

KAREN

Yes.

(to Herm)

Daddy. I really appreciate how you

want me to be with the right guy.

It’s great that you want that, and

you’re willing to insult an entire

race of people repeatedly because

you care so much.

HARUTO

I don’t know if it’s that great,

Karen.

34.

KAREN

It is great. It’s great, honey.

HARUTO

Fine. It’s great.

KAREN

(to Herm)

Daddy--we appreciate having you

here, and we appreciate what you’re

doing.

HARUTO

Wait. Who’s "we?"

KAREN

You and me.

HARUTO

You and me?

KAREN

Yes!

HARUTO

Uh. Right. Yeah. That "we."

KAREN

(to Herm)

So, like I was saying--we

appreciate what you’re doing. But

the thing is, Haruto and I are a

happily married couple, and he’s

the right guy for me, and I’m the

right girl for him--and that’why

there’s no Asia-Africa Olympics

taking place here, and there are no

races here.

HERM

... Fine, honey. OK. All I’m saying

is that Jerry Watson is still in

love with you, he still drives a

Cadillac, and he’s still

legitimately black--so after you

divorce Ching Chong here...

LI

My son is not Ching Chong!

HERM

OK! The poker game’s over! The

Asia-Africa Olympics, event number

two: karate! Let’s do this.

35.

(to Bea)

Honey. Go downstairs and start the

car. I’ll get in after I beat up

Ching Chong, Sr, and after our

daughter divorces Ching Chong, Jr.

LI

(yells in Japanese)

He does some "karate shodowboxing."

HERM

That ain’t nothing. I boxed 15

rounds with Mike Tyson back in 93.

LI

Yes. You, Mike Tyson, and Barack

Obama are best friends.

HERM

(to Bea)

Honey--go start the car!

(Later)

Haruto and Karen are clearing the table. Everyone else is

gone.

HARUTO

So. I thought that went well.

KAREN

Yeah. I mean, the karate fight only

went on for one round. My father

usually fights Chinamen for 15

rounds.

HARUTO

My dad’s Japanese.

KAREN

Chinamen, Japanmen--same thing.

They got the same eyes.

HARUTO

You know. You’re beginning to sound

a little like your father.

KAREN

Honey--I’m just saying. Maybe I

should call up my boyfriend Jerry

Watson.

36.

HARUTO

How about you bring him down here,

and I have a karate fight with him?

KAREN

You know, in all seriousness, I

think my father’s warming up to you

and your family.

HARUTO

Really?

KAREN

Yeah. I mean, in a certain sense.

HARUTO

In what certain sense?

KAREN

You know. I mean, it was almost

like he wanted to tell you,

(in Harm’s voice)

"As far as Chinamen go, y’all three

are alright. I mean, I still want

to kick your ass, Roto Rooter. But

I don’t hate you that much. "

HARUTO

Wow. You really think he was

thinking that?

KAREN

Yeah.

HARUTO

Great. I’m on my way to being your

dad’s favorite Chinaman.

INT. INTERNET COMPANY CAFETERIA - DAY

Haruto and Tim are seated at a table and eating lunch.

TIM

So how did dinner go last night?

HARUTO

Pretty good. Except for how my

father-in-law called me Roto

Rooter, and later, a war broke out

between Africa and Asia.

Jack walks over to their table and sits down.

37.

TIM

(to Haruto)

Roto Rooter?

JACK

(to Haruto?)

What? Did someone call you Roto

Rooter instead of Haruto?

HARUTO

How did you guess?

JACK

A week ago, I was using Roto Rooter

to unclog a pipe, and I started

singing a song. It was like,

(sings)

"Roto Rooter / Roto Rooter / Roto

Rooter / Roto Rooter."

(stops singing)

And then out of nowhere, I was all

like,

(sings)

"Haruto uses Roto Rooter / And

listens to Alice Cooper."

(stops singing)

And then I thought, "You know what

a good nickname would be for

Haruto? Roto Rooter. Since his name

sounds like Roto Rooter." So then a

minute ago, I sat down and heard

Tim say Roto Rooter to you. But he

said it as a question. So I deduced

that you told him how someone

called you Roto Rooter.

HARUTO

I see. That little speech of yours

was both the smartest and dumbest

thing I’ve ever heard in my life.

JACK

So who called you Roto Roter?

HARUTO

My father-in-law.

JACK

Oh. Yeah. Right. You and Karen had

your parents over for dinner last

night. How did that go?

38.

HARUTO

Well. I’ll give you a clue. My

father-in-law called me Roto

Rooter.

JACK

Well. My ex-wife’s father calls me

Jack the Jackass. I think Roto

Rooter is preferable to Jack the

Jackass.

HARUTO

But he’s your ex father in law.

Herm is my father in law--no ex.

JACK

Right. But when my ex-father-in-law

was father-in-law--no-ex, he called

me Jack the Jackoff.

TIM

Is that why you got divorced?

JACK

Yeah. Well, that and I called my

wife Messy Jesse. Oh--and I also

told her, "Get the hell away from

me, you psycho. I want a divorce."

That last one was, like, 95% of it.

HARUTO

Well. I’m not planning to divorce

Karen anytime soon. And apparently,

her father’s gonna be spending a

lot more time around us, now that

he’s the new co-manager of our

apartment building.

TIM

Oh. Well. You know. You’ll figure

out how to deal with him.

JACK

Or, you’ll get a divorce, and your

father-in-law will go from calling

you Roto Rooter, to calling you

Haruto the Jackoff.