Untitled John Mulaney Sitcom

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Based on the comedy of John Mulaney, and based on acharacter created by John Mulaney. This script is not

endorsed by or affiliated with John Mulaney. It is merelyintended to be a sample that demonstrates my ability to

write a sitcom script that derives from a stand upcomedians material and ideas. The script is based on abouttwo minutes of John Mulaneys stand up comedy, as well asthe opening minute of John Mulaneys NBC Pilot script, andabout two minutes worth of material from Mulaneys FOX

pilot script.

INT. APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

CARL (late 20s, 300+ pounds) is sitting on a sofa, watchingthe TV show Flipper.

On TV, Flipper rises up over the water and makes dolphinnoises.

INT. APARTMENT (BEDROOM) - DAY

JOHN (late 20s) is asleep on his bed, but not under thecovers. Hes wearing button shorts, a shirt, and shoes.

He wakes up. He gets up, and looks down at his shoes. A fewseconds later, he hears Carl from the other room makingdolphin noises.

John opens the door, walks into the living room,

INT. APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

.. and sees Carl making dolphin noises, as well as Flippermaking dolphin noises on TV.

JOHN(confused)

Um. Good morning?

CARLGood afternoon, sleepy head. Its12:20.

John looks into another bedroom, and into the bathroom. Helooks back at Carl.

JOHNUm. I, uh--I need to ask yousomething. And I hope this isnttoo personal. But, uh--who are you,and why are you making dolphinnoises in my living room?

CARLYou dont remember me?

JOHNNo.

CARLIm Carl. The Carl who came herelast night for blueberry Pop Tarts.

2.

JOHNI dont remember last night. Imgonna need some more information.

CARLOK. Well. For starters, Im not ahomosexual, in case youre thinkingthat I am.

JOHNWhy would I think youre ahomosexual? Do a lot of homosexualsmake dolphin noises?

CARLNo. But--Im in your apartment, andyou dont remember anything--so ifyou think those signs point tosomething gay, they dont. You cancall my ex-wife Stephanie, andshell tell you that when I wasmarried to her, we had heterosexualsex three times a week.

JOHNIll take your word for it. So--howdo I know you?

CARLWell. Last night, I saw you outsideof a straight bar. And we got intoa drunken argument.

JOHNAbout what?

CARLYou said blueberry Pop Tartscontain actual blueberries. Idisagreed. Oh--and then you gotinto an argument with some redhead.

JOHNMy girlfriend.

CARLShe was all like, "You drink toomuch." And you were all like, "Youwear too much eyeliner, esse."

JOHNI said esse? Im not Hispanic--andneither is she.

3.

CARLMaybe you drank tequila that night.Anyways, she took your care keysand drove away in your car--and youwere all like, "Fine. Just go,vato!"

JOHNI called her "vato," too? Did Ialso call her "homes?"

CARLNo. So, um, we walked here to checkand see if the Pop Tarts containblueberries.

JOHNWe couldve gone to thatsupermarket three blocks from here.

CARLActually, we did. But you walked inand yelled, "Where are your PopTarts, homes?!"--and they kicked usout. So we came here, it was 3 am,you walked into your bedroom andpassed out, and I slepthere, heterosexually.

John thinks for a moment. He notices his shorts.

JOHNThese arent my shorts. Whoseshorts am I wearing?

CARLI dont know.

JOHN(checks one pocket)

Well. My wallets in here.(checks other pocket)

And theres(counts seven one hundreddollar bills)

$700 in my other pocket! Ive neverhad $700 cash in my life. What didI do last night, and why was itso profitable?

CARLWell. You didnt charge me for gayactivities, in case thats whatyoure thinking. Im not gay.

4.

JOHNYes. I know that, Carl. Now, um,what I want to know is if I soldgoods and/or services last night. Ialso want to know if selling saidgood and/or services makes mea drug dealer or a whore.

CARLUm. Those are actually my shorts,and thats my $700.

JOHN... Wait a second. If these areyour shorts, then how come youweigh about 150 pounds more thanme?

CARLHow about I ask you some questionsfor a change.

JOHNFine.

CARLCan I have some Blueberry PopTarts?

John walks over to the kitchenette, sees a box of open PopTarts on the counter, and looks inside.

JOHNUm. It looks like you already did.Now, um, Ive had a lovely,heterosexual evening and afternoonwith you, Carl, But I think nowsthe time you should take one PopTart to go.

John grabs the box of Pop Tarts, and presents it to Carl.Carl takes the box and examines the ingredients list.

CARLThey do contain blueberries.

He turns around and walks out with the box.

John looks at his shorts. He checks his back pocket, andpulls out two tickets.

5.

JOHNLA Galaxy tickets? What the helldid I do last night?

Seconds later, CASEY (30, black) walks in.

CASEYHey.

He walks right past John, and opens the kitchen cupboard.

CASEYHey. Where are all the Pop Tarts?

JOHNHow come you didnt come back herelast night? What happened?

CASEYYou dont remember?

JOHNNo. So maybe you can tell me whoseshorts Im wearing.

CASEYYoure not wearing your own shorts?

JOHNNo.

CASEYYoure wearing someone elsesshorts?

JOHNI suppose. By the way--

(takes the $700 out of hispocket, and counts out $200)

heres the $200 I owe you.

CASEYWhered you get all that money?

JOHNFrom the pocket. Not my pocket.Because once again...

CASEYThose are not your shorts.

6.

JOHNRight.

CASEYWhat if I were to tell you thatthose are my shorts, with my $700?

JOHNWell. Then whats in your backpocket.

CASEYDo I look like a kangaroo? I dontkeep track of whats in all of mypockets.

John takes the two tickets out of his pockets and hands themto Casey.

CASEYLA Galaxy?

JOHNIts a planetarium.

CASEYRight. Im looking forward to goingto the LA Galaxy planetarium today,because thats where my friendJanet works, and she got an ass thesize of Jupiter.

JOHNCasey. Can you please tell me whathappened last night?

CASEYWell. Me, you, and Brooklyn were ata bar. I had two drinks. You hadtwenty.

JOHNOK. I remember the first sevendrinks pretty well. Im not so sureabout the eighth. Was it a martini?

CARLAll 20 drinks were tequila. Thenyou got into some dumb ass debatewith a big dude. And then I leftthe bar with Alexis. And now yourewearing someone elses shorts.

7.

JOHNAre you trying to say that I shouldstop drinking?

CASEYNo. Im saying that I should startdrinking, so I can make $700 anight like you.

JOHNBut now Brooklyn is pissed off atme. And she has my car.

CASEYWell. Buy her a $100 gift, spend$200 getting drunk tonight, andthen wake up with another $700.Its basic, trickle-down,macroeconomics.

JOHNThats not how it works. Whathappens is, you wake up in a pairof shorts containing a mysteryamount of cash in one pocket, and aprize in the back pocket. Sometimesyou get $700 and two soccertickets--but you usually get tenCanadian cents and a half pack ofSkittles.

INT. CAR - DAY

Casey is driving, and John in in the passenger seat.

CASEYHelp me out with a new joke Imtrying to finish. This one is gonnabe big. Its gonna become morepopular than Jim Gaffigans HotPocket bit, or Steve Martins Wildand Crazy Guy bit. Im talkingtimeless. Classic. Legendary. Thisjoke is so strong, its gonna getme an HBO Special. Three hourslong. Jim Gaffigan and Steve Martinwill be in attendance, sitting inthe front row. Jim will be sittingleft of Steve. Steve will besitting right of Jim...

8.

JOHNOK. Just tell me the joke.

CASEYAlright. But again, its not 100%finished. Im almost done with it.Its like I filled up the bottlewith wine, and now all I need to dois put a cork in the bottle, andthen Ill be done. But the wine isalready in it. And its someseriously good wine. Good grapes,good fermentation. The grapes aredelicious, and theyve beenfermented. Theyve been fermentedlike...

JOHNJust tell me the damn joke!

CASEYOK. Here it is. Women... come intwo categories. Category one:women. And category two: problembitches.

JOHN... And?

CASEYAnd now all I have to do is put acork in that joke.

JOHNA cork in what joke?

CASEYThe joke I just told you. You know.The one about women and problembitches.

JOHNWhat one about women and problembitches?

CASEYYou mean you dont remember? Damn.You mustve been blackout drunk 20seconds ago, when I told you thejoke.

9.

JOHNWhat the hell is the joke?

CASEYThe joke is, women... come in twocategories. Category one: women.And category two: problem bitches.

JOHN... Is that the end of the joke?

CASEYYeah.

JOHNI think I got blackout drunk in themiddle of it--because I dontremember a joke. All I remember isyou saying that women come in twocategories. Category one: women.And category two: problem bitches.

CASEYThats the joke.

JOHNThats the joke that filled up thebottle?

CASEYRight. And now all I need is acork.

JOHNI think all you need now is apsychiatrist. You dont have abottle filled with wine. You havean empty bottle with a label thatsays "Chateuex de Problem Bitches."

CASEYIts not a French joke.

JOHNIts not a joke, period.

CASEYWell. I mean, its not a jokeyjoke, like, "Why is 6 afraid of 7?Because 7 8 9." But its a joke.

10.

JOHNIts a slightly misogynisticstatement.

CASEYWhatever the hell it is, all I needto do is put a cork in it.

JOHNWhat the hell are you talkingabout?

CASEYIm talking about how women... comein two categories. Category one:women. And category two: problembitches.

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE - DAY

John and Casey are in the womens shoe section.

JOHNWhat should I get her?

CASEYI dont know.

An EMPLOYEE (female, 50) walks up to them.

EMPLOYEEHi. Can I help you with something?

JOHNYes. My girlfriend has my car, andshes pissed at me.

EMPLOYEEOK.

JOHNAnd she might key my car.

EMPLOYEEIm a little confused here. Are youdating my daughter?

JOHNNo.

11.

EMPLOYEESo what exactly is my role in allof this?

JOHNI need you to find me a $100 giftthatll convince my girlfriendnot to key my car.

EMPLOYEEOh. OK. We have a few of those. Butthey each cost $200.

EXT. BROOKLYNS APARTMENT - DAY

Casey is sitting in the car, which is now parked on thestreet near an apartment building.

John presses a button on the buildings intercom.

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)Hello?

JOHNIts me.

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)OK. Hold on.

JOHNHold on? Arent you gonna buzz meup?

A few seconds pass.

BROOKLYN (late 20s) is now on her balcony.

BROOKLYNNo!

John looks up and sees her. She holds up a car key.

BROOKLYNHeres your car key. Catch.

JOHNWait a second. Cant I come upthere?

BROOKLYNI dont think so, esse.

12.

JOHNHoney. Were not Hispanic.

She throws her key down. John catches it. He walks back tothe intercom and presses a button.

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)What?

JOHNCan I please come up there?

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)No!

Casey is now standing near John.

CASEYHey. Let me talk to her for asecond.

He presses a button on the intercom.

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)What?

CASEYUm. Its me. Casey.

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)What do you want?

CASEYI know youre mad at John. Butlisten. He loves you. And um, letme put it this way. I have thistheory. Women... come in twocategories. Category one: women.And category two: problem bitches.

A few seconds pass.

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)And?

CARLAnd I was just pausing, cause Iwas waiting for you to laugh. Butanyways, I presented that theory toJohn earlier today. And he was alllike, "Well. Brooklyn is a womanwoman. Shes the opposite of aproblem bitch." Yeah. He basically

(MORE)

13.

CARL (contd)said that youre, like, a solutionsbitch. Well, no. Not a solutionsbitch. You know. The point is,he called you the opposite of aproblem bitch.

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)(sarcastically)

Wow. How romantic.

CASEYYeah. So how about letting yourromantic boyfriend up there?

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)How about you tell him to kiss myass?

CASEYCome on. Dont you think yourebeing a little unreasonable?

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)What are you trying to say? Thatyou think Im a problem bitch?

CASEYUm. Id kind of prefer it if youdidnt use the term "problembitch." Because its my copyrightedcontent. I dont want it in thezeitgeist, before I actually tellthe joke to audiences.

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)What joke?

SUSAN (25, big butt) walks up behind Casey, as if sheswaiting to use the intercom. Casey doesnt notice her.

CASEYThe joke. Women... come in twocategories. Category one: women.And category two: problem bitches.

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)Thats not a joke.

CASEYI mean, its not a jokey joke. Butit is a joke. All I need to do isput a cork in the bottle.

14.

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)What the hell are you talkingabout?!

SUSAN(to Casey)

Excuse me. I, uh, need to use theintercom. Are you gonna finish yourconversation anytime soon?

CASEYUh. Yeah.

(into intercom)Brooklyn. Im gonna have to callyou back in a second. I got a callon the other line.

(to Susan)Go ahead.

Casey moves aside.

SUSANThank you. Sorry for interruptingyou like that. I didnt mean to bea problem bitch or anything.

CASEYYou didnt mean to be a what?

SUSANA problem bitch.

CASEYWhere did you first hear that term?

SUSANFrom you. Ten seconds ago.

CASEYOh. Yeah. Well, the term "problembitch" hasnt been officiallyrolled out to the public yet--soId appreciate it if youd refrainfrom using it.

Susan stares at him for a few seconds, and then presses abutton on the intercom.

JENNA (ON INTERCOM)Hello?

15.

SUSANIts Susan.

JENNA (ON INTERCOM)OK. Well just leave right now.Ill come down.

SUSANOK.

A few seconds pass.

CASEY(to Susan)

How you doing?

SUSANFine.

CASEYWhere are you and your friendgoing?

SUSANWere gonna get massages.

CASEYOh. You know, Im a masseuse.

SUSAN(skeptical)

Oh, really?

CASEYYeah. I used to be Megan Foxs fulltime masseuse. But then her husbandgot all jealous, because Megan wasfalling in love with me. So he madeher fire me. She still calls mefrom time to time. She wants to gettogether for a massage, and, Iquote, "some sex." But, you know. Idont have sex with married women.I have sex with single women. Bythe way--I noticed that you donthave a wedding ring.

SUSANI think you should just go aheadand have sex with Megan Fox.

16.

CASEYYoure cute. You got a niceJupiterian look.

SUSANJupiterian?

CASEYYou know. You remind me of Jupiter.Because of, uh, your eyes. By theway, in addition to being amasseuse, Im also an astronomerover at the LA Galaxy Planetarium.

JENNA (25) opens the buildings front door. Casey holds thedoor open. Jenna walks out. Casey continues to hold the dooropen.

CASEY(to Susan)

So can I call you some time? We canhave a few drinks, and maybe lookat a few planets. But if you want amassage, its gonna run you $200 anhour.

SUSANNo thanks.

(to Jenna)Wheres your car?

JENNA(points to the street)

Right there.(to Casey)

Who are you?

SUSANHes a masseuse. And an astronomer.

JENNA(to Casey)

Well. Why are you still holdingthat door open?

CASEYMy friend John is coming in to seehis girlfriend.

JENNA(to John)

Whos your girlfriend?

17.

JOHNBrooklyn.

JENNAWell. I talked to Brooklyn today,and she told me all about you.

JOHNGreat. So can I come in?

JENNANo.

(to Casey)Close the door.

CASEYLook. Why are you trying to startproblems?

SUSANOh. So youre calling her a problembitch?

CASEYDidnt I tell you not to use theterm "problem bitch?"

SUSANSo now youre calling me a problembitch?

CASEYIm not calling anyone a problembitch. Im sure you two are verynice, unproblematic, un-bitchygirls. Im just saying that theterm "problem bitch" is copyright2015 Casey Anderson. All rightsreserved.

JENNAListen, Casey Anderson. You betterclose that door, or Im calling thepolice.

CASEYOK. Fine. The black man is closingthe door. Nobody cares that hes anastronomer--but everyone is focusedon the fact that hes black.

18.

JENNANobody cares that youre black.

CASEYSo youre not suspicious of blackmen opening doors?

JENNANo.

CASEYWell. Let me ask you this. Wouldyou be willing to date a black man?

JENNAYes.

CASEYGreat. Let me have your phonenumber.

The camera changes, as we see BILL (25, black, muscular, hasa goatee) standing near Casey

BILLJenna--is this guy bothering you?

CASEYUh. Who are you?

JENNAHes my boyfriend.

CASEYOh.

(to Bill)(friendly)

Hey, brotha. How you doing?

BILLWere you harassing my girlfriend?

CASEYNo. Of course not. Im black,youre black--were both black. Sowhy would I harass your girlfriend?

SUSAN(to Bill)

He called us problem bitches.

19.

CASEYDidnt I tell you to stop usingthat term?

BILLYou called them problem bitches?!

CASEYNo. I didnt.

(to Susan)You know I didnt.

SUSAN(to Bill)

Well. He indirectly suggested thatwere problem bitches.

CASEYIf I think youre problem bitches,then how come I asked both of youout on a date?

BILLSo you asked out my girlfriend?

CASEYNo. I mean, yes. I mean, I askedher out before I knew she was withyou. You--a black man. A big blackman. A big, muscular, scary-lookingblack man. The point is, aint noproblem bitches around here.

BILLProblem bitches. Thats a prettyfunny expression.

CASEYYeah. I know. But would you pleasenot use it?

SUSANYeah. Its Copyright 2015, CaseyAnderson.

CASEYHe doesnt need to know my name.After all, hes a big, muscular,scary-looking black man.

BILLWhat makes you say that? Is itbecause Im black?

20.

CASEY(friendly)

No, brotha. I just dont want youto know my full name. By theway--Happy Kwanzaa. I got you agift. Its in my car. Let me go getit.

He runs to his car, gets in, throws a shopping bag out thecar, and drives away.

BILLKwanzaa was five months ago.

JOHNThats actually the gift I boughtfor my girlfriend. Its a purse. Imean, you can have it if youwant--but I dont think youd likeit.

BILLWhy? Because Im black?

EXT. BROOKLYNS APARTMENT - DAY

(Later)

John is holding a gift. He presses a button on the intercom.

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)Hello?

JOHNIts still me. I brought you agift.

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)I dont care.

JOHNI spent a lot of time getting it.And can you just buzz me up, so Ican give it to you?

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)Show it to me first.

JOHNOK. Buzz me up.

21.

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)Show me the gift first.

JOHNUm. How?

BROOKLYN (ON INTERCOM)Im coming to the balcony.

Seconds later, Brooklyn is on her balcony.

JOHNOK. Um. Im gonna open it up.

John opens the gift, and reveals a purse.

BROOKLYNThats actually really cute.

JOHNSo can I come up?

BROOKLYNUm. Ill come down. You can take meout for lunch, and we can talkabout how youre gonna stopdrinking.

EXT. STREET - DAY

John and Brooklyn are walking. Brooklyn is carrying her newpurse.

JOHNSo do you like the purse?

BROOKLYNYes. But stop drinking.

JOHNI will.

BROOKLYNReally?

JOHNSort of. I mean, Im not gonna stopright now--because Im kind of on ahot streak.

John spots JAMIE (30) a few yards away.

22.

JOHN(to Jamie)

Hey.

She notices him, and he walks up to her.

JOHNThose are my shorts. The shortsthat I lost last night.

JAMIEThese arent your shorts.

JOHNYes they are.

BROOKLYNJohn--would you mind explaining tome why this woman is wearing yourshorts?

JOHNWell. I was hoping she could shedsome light on the whole thing. Bythe way--I definitely didnt sleepwith her. Last night, I slept withno one, or some guy named Carl.

JAMIEWell. I got these shorts at myfiances house last night.

JOHNOh. Youre engaged?Congratulations.

JAMIEThank you. Do I know you?

JOHNNo. But you are wearing my shorts.

JAMIEWell. Theyre really cute.

(to Jaime)They would go great with thatpurse.

(to John)How about I pay $20 for theseshorts?

23.

JOHNUm. OK.

BROOKLYNJohn. Youre not gonna sell thiswoman your shorts for $20.

JOHN(to Jamie)

$30. And Ill throw in her pursefor $300.

TONY (30) walks towards them.

JAMIE(to Tony)

Tony--this guys claiming thatthese are his shorts.

TONYOh.

(to John)Well then maybe you know whathappened to the five hundreddollars that I had in my left sock.

JOHNFive hundred dollars? As in, one,two, three, four, five hundreddollars?

TONYThis isnt Sesame Street, bro. Fivehundred dollars. Do you have mymoney?

JOHNYour fiance is wearing my shortsthat she got from you. Where inthat equation was $500 transferredfrom your left sock to me?

TONYI dont know. There are certainparts of last night that I dontremember so well.

JOHNDitto. Uh. Do Cherry Pop Tarts ringa bell for anyone?

24.

TONYNo. But the word "bell" does ring abell for me.

(to Jamie)Did we go to Taco Bell last night?

JAMIENo. But you did punch JohnnyBell-luci in the face.

TONYThats not the bell. Im prettysure we went to Taco Bell.

JAMIETony--we didnt go to Taco Bell,you alcoholic asshole! You betterstop drinking so much!

BROOKLYN(to John)

You too, John! Stop drinking, andstop losing your shorts to peoplenamed Tony.

JOHNBrooklyn--this has nothing to dowith me and my shorts. This isbetween this woman, her fiance, andhis shorts.

TONYWhat fiance?

JOHNHer fiance. You.

TONY(to Jamie)

When did we get engaged?

JAMIEYou proposed to me last night.

TONYThere are certain parts of lastnight that I dont remember sowell.

JAMIEYou proposed. And I said yes.Thats why weve been all lovy dovytoday. And thats why Ive spent

(MORE)

25.

JAMIE (contd)the last hour talking about thewedding.

TONYI thought you were talking aboutyour sisters wedding.

JAMIENo. Our wedding. You proposed.Remember?

TONYHow do I know youre telling thetruth?

JAMIEYou think I made up a story aboutyou proposing to me?

TONYI dont know. I mean, youve liedabout a hundred thingsbefore. Lets review your record.You lied about my brother, you liedabout Bill, you lied about the tripto Cancun, and now youre lyingabout our engagement.

JAMIESo the engagements off?

TONYThe engagement was never on.

JAMIEGood! Why would I want to beengaged to an alcoholic,unemployed, loser asshole likeyou?!

TONYWell you know what you are? Yourea problem bitch.

JAMIEHow dare you?! How dare you call mea problem bitch?! You know what?You can take your engagement ring,and shove it up your ass!

26.

TONYOK. Give me my engagement ring.

JAMIEHow can I? You didnt give me one!

TONYThats cause I didnt propose toyou!

JAMIEUgh.

She walks away.

JOHN(to Tony)

Uh. Can I ask you a question.

TONYWhat?

JOHNWhere did you first hear thatexpression--"problem bitch?"

TONYUh. From my friend Bill.

JOHNWould Bill happen to be a muscularAfrican American man with a goatee?

TONYYes.

JOHNCan you do me a favor? Tell Billthat the term "problem bitch" iscopyright 2015, Casey Anderson. AllRights Reserved.