MotherS & DaughterS Relationships and conflict in adolescence...with support for fathers and...

MotherS & DaughterSRelationships and conflict in adolescence

...with support for fathers and brothers in understanding female family dynamics

SCIS Middle School Parent Dialogue25 March 2014

Today’s Focus

Common concerns of teenage girls:

What are they looking for?

Why do they blame mothers?

How to help them better manage negative emotions?

The evolving and challenging nature of mother-daughter relationship,

Self-reflection

Listening and empathy

Coping with painful self-doubt

Strategies to connect with your teen, restore closeness and find meaningful ways of interacting

“Developing and maintaining a close, enriching, lifelong connection...”

Source: Cohen-Sandler & Silver (2000), p. 10; Image source: www.bing.com

http://www.bing.com/

Conflict is inevitable

• Mother-daughter relationships are influenced by a myriad of factors. Problems are quite predictable.

Puberty impacts daughters physical appearance, thoughts and feelings

Teens are notoriously withdrawn, secretive and emotional

While independence is sought, teens still need structure and guidance

Identity development tests belief systems; often distinct from mother ’s

Parenting styles, along with family and cultural expectations, contribute added pressures

Mother

“I can’t stand another minute!”

“What happened to my sweet, little girl?”

“Am I making the best decisions?”

“Why does my daughter hate me so much?”

“How dare you! You’re grounded!”

Daughter

“You just don’t understand what it’s like!”

“You are so clueless!”

“Why don’t you trust me?”

“I can’t do anything right!”

“Leave me alone!”

“Throughout this period you will feel forced to adapt to your daughter’s changing needs; your role as a mother will

shift dramatically.”

Source: Cohen-Sandler & Silver (2000), p. 15.

Understanding feelings• Modern Family, excerpt of “Fears”

Understand her world

To interpret your daughter’s motivations and behaviors, we need to understand and appreciate the world she lives in...

Many teen issues remain similar but certain challenges or dangers may not have existed when you were younger...

Although the words used to describe common concerns change, the things that trouble teens most remain constant... so, your not so “clueless” after all...

Image source: www.bing.com

Universal themes

• Age-old problems persist:

Feeling ignored, mistreated and abandoned by parents, teachers, peers and the opposit sex.

Concerns about how they measure up with other peers on:

personal appearance

intelligence/skills

being cool/accepted

What “ticks them off” most:

“People lying.” (age 17)

“Friends that talk behind your back.” (age 13)

“My parents not trusting me.” (age 15)

“Not sticking up for myself.” (age 14)

“That all everybody cares about is looks.” (age 16)

“People who pick on other people who aren’t cool.” (age 15)

“My friend being mean to me for no reason.” (age 13)

“Guys that only notice your boobs.” (age 16)

“Having a zit and somebody making fun of it.” (age 12)

Is this normal?

•Adolescent maturation rate

•Your goals and expectations for your daughter and your relationship

Are you primed for battle?

Do you overlook red flags, signs of serious problems to avoid conflict?

The level of connection, degree of understanding and respect for varying strengths and belif systems

Cultural context, family background and outside pressures

There is a broad variation in mother-daughter

relationships. Influencing factors include:



Scenarios

What is happening in the scenario?What feelings does the mother describe?How is this situation impacting the mother? What might explain the daughter’s

behavior? What do you feel is the primary source of conflict?What would you do?

Conflict as a tool...Should conflict be avoided? Is it dangerous or an inevitable part of life

and thus an opportunity for growth? Strong emotions such as Anger can serve as a Tool to improve relationships and resiliency.



Recognize your style

Lashing out or exploding pent up anger:

Screaming and yelling

Throwing, stomping, and slamming

Suppressed emotions - represented as eating disorders, substance abuse, self-harm, risk taking or other dangerous behaviors.

Misplaced emotions - placing blame where it does not belong

Indirect expressions - although ineffective, arise in lieu of confronting the person(s) involved:

Passive-aggressive behaviors

The guilt trip

The silent treatment

Sniping and sarcasm

Making jokes

Certain emotional styles are unproductive and damaging to you, your daughter and your relationship. Mothers and daughters may be unaware of such patterns, unsure of alternatives, or resistant to change. Taking control of your emotions and helping your daughter do the same begins with identifying your style and then learning a new approach.

Choosing your battles

• There is no magic formula for deciding whether to confront an issue. Your guiding framework should consist of the following:

Your priorities for raising your daughter and the values you want to instill.

What goals you hope to accomplish.

High priority considerations, which need to be identified based on your belief systems, may include: her personal safety, level of achievement and autonomy, standards of character development, being taken advantage of, and when she needs you.

“It is easy for mothers to forget that

they don’t have to respond to all of

their children’s demand.”


Teenage girls require clear guidelines to ensure their well-being and safety

• Despite assurances and protests,

• she needs you to be consistent and unwavering with Her safety.

• When little room for compromise exists a simple response is best:“no,” “That’s not acceptable,” or “There’s no negotiation on this.”

Wrong reasons

• Authors Cohen-Sandler and Silver (2000) suggest that there are wrong reasons to confront your adolescent daughter. Below are some of the common mistakes that mothers make:

You need to prove yourself right - avoid getting swept away by your daughter’s emotions or drawn into a challenge unnecessarily.

You are threatened by her increasing independence - daughter’s need opportunities to experiment as they are testing out new opinions and tastes. Determine what you can and cannot live with so that she can find ways to express her uniqueness.

You are taking out other frustration on her - an unhealthy pattern when feeling anxious, angry, hurt or otherwise upset. Such behavior, however, places an inappropriate burden on your daughter or pushes her to question your rationality.

You feel you have to show you’re in control - recognize the difference between being in control and being controlling. While appropriate to expect daughters to respect the rules you have established, it is unreasonable to hope they will conform perfectly to your expectations; nor should they.

• Good scenarios (326)

Classic battle startersHer bedroom, fashion choices, or makeup, accessories

& piercing

Setting Guidelines

Encourage your daughter to ask herself the below questions when she is unsure whether getting into a battle with you is a good idea:

Will addressing this make the situation worse?

Is she disappointed with herself and taking it out on your to relieve herself of blame for poor decision-making; it will likely backfire.

•Is she taking something out on you that is unrelated to the issue at hand?

Teens tend to overreact to everyday situations in soap opera style; putting things into perspective is difficult.

•Is the issue all that important?

Some things you do and say will drive your teen up the wall and even though they are consumed by the perception that every situation will make or break their lives, this may not be entirely true...

Being a mother

• “In general,” Cohen-Sandler & Silver suggest, “women have a tough time handling conflict and anger.” Let’s examine the typical mother’s role:

Given the strong bond and amount of support provided in early childhood, mothers often assume that adolescent daughters have the tools needed to navigate the social world.

• As “emotional caretakers,” mothers often play a greater role in mediating family conflict.

• The shared gender often results in a stronger and more complex reaction, impacted by:

• Emotions and memories of the mother’s relationship with her own mother.

• A greater intensity in identifying with their daughter’s feelings; beyond empathy.


Benefits of modeling conflict resolution

• Modeling effective communication and conflict resolution skills, as well as setting boundaries, helps daughters apply these constructive skills to cope with life’s inevitable challenges:

Risk rejection by friends when in their best interest or safety

Tolerate anxiety and better manage stress or disappointment

Permission and know how to challenge potential threats

• Further, your efforts and time demonstrate your daughter’s worthiness and model self-respect so that she can advocate for herself later in life.


Learning from your own Mother

“Blurred boundaries can lead to antagonism that is difficult to understand, let alone

resolve...”


• How were mistakes, complaints and demands treated by your mother?

• How has this influenced your parenting style?

• What do you feel is best for your daughter?

• Do your desires and feelings differ from your daughters?

Reflection

Impact on Mothers• During adolescence emotional turmoil is high and impulse control low. As

they develop individuality and identify preferences/belief systems, daughters provoke arguments and take out their frustrations on mothers. The impact is profound:

Reminders of diminished youth - daughters maturing as their mothers are in, or approaching, midlife; especially difficult if both daughter and mother are dating

Changing role and identity as caregiver - difficulty relinquishing control or adjusting to an increasingly independent daughter who purports to no longer need help

Sense of loss - as daughter prepares to leave, and at last leaves, home

Teen expression of frustration and anger feels personal - mothers are accessible scapegoats as every “action, belief, trait and mannerism” is scrutinized

Desire to maintain closeness - results in conflict avoidance and a questioning of parenting decisions

• Negative emotions emerge - including self-doubt, hurt, worry, guilt and shame

ACTIVITY

Leave feelings of self-doubt, hurt, worry, guilt and/or shame here to move forward.

“Adolescence brings complex circumstances and problems that mothers, no matter how

devoted, simply cannot solve. The process of relinquishing control, of giving up the sense of

being able to guide their daughters through tumult, is difficult...”


Changing needs...

Adolescents send mixed messages:

“let me grow up” - next minute “baby me”

seemingly impossible to please

Mothers serve as a vehicle to test out shaky logic and practice expressing their ideas

Your daughter may herd you into a battle or provoke you so that she can hear your reasoning

Through discussion, and argument, teens integrate and distinguish mothers’ beliefs and values from their own” (16)

Being an Adolescent GirlREflecting on society’s messages and

Family and cultural influences



Body Image

Family, friends, social pressure and media impact a person’s body image.

How mothers’ feel about their bodies greatly impacts how their daughter’s feel about their own body...

Focus on your assets

Reflecting on your parenting style is more than identifying weaknesses. Greater self-awareness does not require self-condemnation!

What assets and inherent strengths do you offer your relationships?

How would you describe your personality characteristics and how do these traits impact your interaction with your daughter?

What abilities have contributed to your connections with other people that model the various roles women play in society? These skills may be used to strengthen your relationship with your daughter.


Small group activityTaking stock of your assets

Take good care of yourself

Relationships are give-and-take

Be yourself

Conflicts can be addressed

Relationships can endure

1. Check your emotional temperature before responding.

2. If necessary, cool down: give it time if needed, distract or soothe yourself, empathize and use humor.

3. Think through your goals.

4. Choose a good time: consider time of day, degree of privacy and level of stress.

5. Talk to her directly: face-to-face, written, telephone or a combination.

6. Boost your chance of being heard by how you say what you say.

7. Be aware of your body language: eye contact, position of arms and body, and physical contact.

8. Modify according to your daughter’s needs: give her some say over when and where you will talk, set a time to avoid a prolonged debate, ease up if she is intimidated, make a special date to do something together, and when urgent, insist she listen to you.

9. Keep an argument from becoming a fight.

10.Reward your efforts.

Responsible Communication“Anger is an ideal cover-up for anxiety...”

Small group activity (Steps: 1, 6 & 8)

What to avoid

• Mothers have found that the following behaviors will consistently undermine efforts to encourage listening and issue resolution from daughters:

Accusations - defensive, withdrawn, or retaliation.

Calling names - opens the door for your daughter to respond similarly, escalating the conflict.

Telling her what she’s thinking or feeling - even if you feel you are accurate, it is ALWAYS better to ask your daughter rather than make presumptions.

Exaggerating - in the heat of the moment your daughter is likely to take everything you say literally and she may draw conclusions that you wish she hadn’t regarding how you feel about her and your relationship.


Standing up to peersConfront your fears to encourage discussion and

facilitate her problem solving

Confront your fears

• Rather than deny your own feelings, memories and biases when your daughter is hurting, reflect on how these past experiences may affect your responses as a mother.

• Common fears that impact mothers’ ability to support their daughters in an objective and effective manner, include:

“I won’t say the right thing.”

“My daughter is unpopular.”

• “My experiences will cloud my judgement.”

“My daughter will be hurt.”Image source: www.bing.com

Encourage discussionRespect her privacy: let her know you care and are available but remember she may need to sort things out privately before she can talk.

Read her cues: be sensitive to her unique nonverbal cues (simply appearing in your vicinity, displaying a gloomy expression to see if you notice, etc...) which may be an invitation.

Listen actively: encourage her to speak by not interrupting, contradicting, or questioning as she shares the incident.

Validate her feelings: instead of contradicting, minimizing, denying, or rationalizing her reactions, simply acknowledge her perspective (“You’re feeling...”) to help validate her right to have these feelings.


Facilitate problem solving• Modeling effective communication and conflict resolution skills in your mother-

daughter relationship will help your daughter as she addresses peer conflicts. Your role includes:

Let her take the lead and empower her to work through conflicts on her own.

Remind her to pick her battles, assist her in clarifying what upset her and its importance.

Allow her to generate a plan and resist the urge to give advice. All you can do is help her be aware of alternative solutions.

Help her brainstorm. Avoid critiquing the strategies she contemplates.

Encourage her to consider consequences rather than condemn her ideas.

Guide her planned confrontation by encouraging her speak directly and respectfully (such as using “I” statements).

Encourage her to stay the course. She has learned from you that a committed relationship can withstand, and grow from, resolving differences.

Allow her to fail. Your daughter’s capacity to cope with disappointments and mistakes will strengthen her and bolster her inner resources.

Step in for safety reasons, where sympathy and understanding are not sufficient.

Surviving & Thriving

• The below tools, when used consistently, can improve and strengthen mother-daughter relationships and help you stay connected in spite of your daughter’s ups and downs:

Choose battles wisely

Be clear on what you hope to accomplish

Respond more pragmatically (without emotion) when she expresses anger

Communicate effectively about important issues

Decipher verbal and nonverbal communication

Stay course during conflict or disagreements about personal beliefs and values

By establishingconnections, keeping

long-term goals in focus

and weathering turbulent

periods, mother-daughter

relationships can not only survive, but thrive

during adolescence.

Connection...comes from Empathy for your daughter’s emotional expression

and appreciation of what she brings to the relationship.Quote:: Cohen-Sandler & Silver (2000); Image source:

www.bing.com


Thank you for your participation and input.

Please take the time to complete the workshop evaluation to help SCIS strengthen outreach to

parents and to inform future program development.

For additional support and resources, please contact me! I look forward to supporting you and your family!

Mrs. Catherine Geisen-KischSCIS Middle School Counselor

[email protected]

For additional support and resources, please contact me! I look forward to supporting you and your family!

Mrs. Catherine Geisen-KischSCIS Middle School Counselor

[email protected]

mailto:[email protected]

mailto:[email protected]

MotherS & DaughterS Relationships and conflict in adolescence...with support for fathers and...

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