MONTGOMERY COUNTY CIRCUIT COURT

CO-PARENTING CLASSES: CLASS 1I

Presented by: Family Division Services Court Evaluators

Factors Associated With Better Outcomes for Children

• Reduced parental conflicto Parents who are able to reduce their marital conflicts and who have a

tendency to get along without turmoil and aggression create better adjustment environments for their children.

o Don’t: Argue in front of your children.

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• Reassuring children that they are not to blameo Many children have a tendency to blame themselves

for their parents’ divorce and separation. o Do: Reassure your children that they are not to blame. Answer your children’s questions honestly while

avoiding unnecessary details.

• Not being put in the middleo Loyalty conflicts create emotional turmoil for children.o Don’t: Ask them to take sides against one of you. Pump your children for information. Speak negatively about your child’s other parent in front

of the children.

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• Stable, loving relationship with both parentso Children adjust better if they maintain consistent,

predictable, positive relationships with both parents and have regular dependable visiting patterns.

o Do: Be consistent and on time when picking up your

children for visitations. Give your child permission to have a loving, satisfying

relationship with the other parent.

• Non-adversarial environmento Children do better if their parents have a less adversarial

post-divorce adjustment and a functioning co-parenting relationship.

o Do: Develop a workable cooperative

parenting plan that gives your child access to both of you.

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• Appropriate role allocation between parents and childreno Parents who assign appropriate chores and roles to their

children.o Children should not become small adults or spousal

replacements post-separation.o Don’t: Discuss your court case with your children.

• Effective family functioningo Families that provide a sense of sharing and emotional

support for one another. o Parents who maintain family rituals around birthdays and

holidays provide a sense of security for the children.o Do: Include the other parent in school activities and social

events in your children’s lives.

• Strong support systemso Children do better if they have strong support systems,

consisting of regular friendships with relatives such as grandparents and peers.

o Siblings can be a major source of comfort and support for each other.

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• Parent’s own sense of well-beingo If the parents have adjusted in a healthy way to the divorce,

the children will also.o This process can be facilitated through counseling and

support structures.

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• Economic supporto Divorce is expensive and often the same

amount of money that supported one household must now support two.

o Failure to provide adequate support for a child sends a child a negative message.

o Failure to pay also creates enormous economic strains for the other parent.

o Don’t: Discuss child support issues with your children. Use non-payment as leverage for denial of access.

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• Positive state of mindo The manner in which parents approach divorce affects the

way they and children perceive the divorce. o Viewing the divorce process and family reorganization as a

workable rather than a dysfunctional situation.o Do: Reassure your children that they are loved and will be

taken care of.

• Effective Parentingo Children are more capable of adapting to divorce and separation if

their parents function effectively. o Each parent should tolerate the other’s style and respect his/her

authority to make day-to-day decisions when the children are with him or her.

o Do: Establish two homes for the children where they will feel

comfortable and secure.

Questions/Comments?

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Helpful Resources Legal Assistance:Family Law Self-Help Center, Montgomery County Circuit Court, South Tower 1st Floor, Rm 1500 (Walk-in Service Only) Websites:http://montgomerycountymd.gov/cct/index.html (Circuit Court)https://www.afccnet.org/ (AFCC)http://pepparent.org/ (PEP-General Parenting Classes)

http://nfrchelp.org/ (National Family Resiliency Center)https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ (Shared Parenting Calendar)

Books for Adults:Bonnell, K. & Little, K. (2014). The Co-Parents’ HandbookEddy, B. (2014). BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email, and Social Media MeltdownsEddy. B. & Kreger, R. (2011). Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality DisorderEmery, R. E. (2004). The Truth about Children and DivorceRicci, I. (1997). Mom’s House, Dad’s House: Making Two Homes for Your ChildRoss, J.A. & Corcoran, J. (2011). Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex- A Hands-on, Practical Guide to Communicating with a Difficult Ex-SpouseStahl, P. (2007). Parenting After Divorce: Resolving Conflicts and Meeting Your Children’s Needs Books for Children:Brown, M. & Brown, L.K. (1986). Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing FamiliesLansky, V. (1997). It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear: A Read-Together Book for Parents and Young Children During DivorceLevins, S. (2005). Was It the Chocolate Pudding?: A Story For Little Kids About DivorceMasurel, C. (2003). Two Homes Domestic Violence:Montgomery County Family Justice Center, Ph: 240-773-0444House of Ruth - Domestic Violence Assistance Program, 240-777-9077, 410-889- RUTH (7884), 1-888-880-7884 (24 Hour Hotline)

Relating to Your Child’s Other ParentUncoupling

• Relationships can be grouped into three general types:

Acquaintance or business relationships

Friendships

Intimate relationships

What are the characteristics of a business relationship?

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• Respect• Courteous and polite• Formal• Non-emotional• Low-key• Task oriented• Working towards common goals• Communication is explicit, clear, direct, and to the

point

In a Co-Parenting Relationship it is Helpful to:

• Make appointments to meet with a specific agenda and set them up for a relatively stress-free time without the children.

• Don’t expect appreciation, praise, or emotional support from the other parent.

• Give the other parent the benefit of the doubt.

Anger

• One of the reasons it is difficult to develop a business relationship with the other parent is anger.

• People can feel intensely angry for some period of time.

• Anger needs to be dealt with because it can fuel the single most damaging factor in a child’s adjustment to divorce: on-going unresolved conflict between divorcing parents.

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Anger is part of the fight or flight response. It causes physiological changes in our bodies.

How does your body respond when you get angry?

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What are some things that you do to help yourself to calm down when you are angry? What helps to

diminish the anger?

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People may feel anger for many reasons:

• To deal with powerful feelings• To feel powerful and in control• To avoid looking at one’s own problems in the relationship

• It can be a way to leave • To stay connected to the other parent

To avoid getting angry when talking with the other parent:

• Before you start, relax! • Arrange meetings in a public place• Confine yourself to one issue• Take the time to check your real thoughts and feelings• If you feel like you are being attacked, slow down and try to

figure out what the person is really trying to say• Get the support of family and friends• Take “time outs”

Dealing with anger and conflict through communication skills

• Goals of communication: in a business relationship the goal is usually task oriented: to inform or be informed, problem solve, or to make decisions.

• What does not work?

Globalization--using always, neverPersonal attack, name callingBringing up the pastDemanding, advising, lecturing, “should” statementsInterruptingInvalidating the other’s opinions or feelings

I-messages/Self-report

• Taking responsibility for your own feelings, thoughts, and opinions rather than blaming the other person.

• I-messages express what you want or how you feel. • Even when you have criticisms, you can state it in terms of

how the other person’s behavior is a problem for you or your children.

I-messages/Self-report

Takes the form of: “When (something happens) I feel/ or the children feel _____ because ________.” Some people then add a request: “I would like you to______.”

**Example**

Active Listening• Active listening is hearing what the other has to say with an open mind

and letting them know we are listening. • Use body language to show that you are listening.• Summarize or paraphrase what you think the other person is saying. • Ask clarifying questions if you are unclear by paraphrasing.• Use a kind tone of voice—that can make all the difference!• Active listening often can deflect attacks and criticisms and put the

conversation on a more constructive track.

**Example**

Questions?

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Group Activity on Co-Parenting

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© 1997, 1999 by Susan Boyan and Ann Marie Termini. All rights reserved. Duplicated with permission from the publisher. www.ActiveParenting.com