Momgineering 101:my first 2 years in Motherhood+Engineering

Paula McDonaldSacramento Valley Society of Women Engineers

WE15 Annual Conference, NashvilleOctober 24, 2015

paula.mcdonald@swe.org

Note: This chartset is an extended, “Director’s Cut” version intended as a shareable reference

AbstractYep, we’re going there! This session embraces lighthearted straight-talk about life after the birth of my first child: the

awesome, the tough and the downright ugly.

Momgineers have unique skills in parenting, but it can be hard to embrace them in this frantic and fragile time.

I’ll share Lessons Learned and how my background in risk management and failure modes & effects analysis (FMEA) gave me

the confidence to do things my way.

Lastly, a critical review of breast pump design!

Objectives• Share experience, perspective, voices from the “field”

– New motherhood is typically the most vulnerable time a woman has experienced in her life to that point

– Emphasize aspects not talked about, expose taboos– My own experience includes rare or “extreme” events more the

reason to share, validate for others

• Current Mothers: – Therapeutic commiseration among like-minded peers, sharing of

experience. – Be the village!

• Future Mothers: – Information to empower, not frighten– Unintentional mixed-message: “It’s awful, but you should totally do it!!”

The Promises of Motherhood(“It’s a Conspiracy”)

Cherish Every Moment;

it goes by so fast!

It’s an adventure!

$10k nurseries with chandeliers & WHITE upholstery!

Stunning newborn photo shootsA lot of fun, but a lot of pressure:

expectations set high from the start

Blissful bonding

Pregnancy at 32 Weeks: Fat, Dumb & HAPPY

• Easy pregnancy, gained 23 pounds. Every medical metric is “perfect” • Working on my company’s most important program, highly visible role, looking and feeling great!• 38 weeks, Started Leave: Nesting & Resting• 40-weeks: Reality Check! You actually have to deliver this thing. No signs of labor• 40 weeks + 5 days: anxiety, “something” is not right…started reading the internet PANIC

I CAN have it all!

This is what SWE’s all about! LEAN IN!

“They have hospitals in

France.”

Highly Educated, Totally Clueless

Stats: 34 & 36 years old, married 8 yearsHusband is Engineering Manager for a global company w/ foreign HQ

Ready or Not, Here I Come “Traumatic Birth”

• 41 weeks: requested Doctor visit seeking “critical process review” for induction– Low amniotic fluid C-Section Delivery Meconium Aspiration, APGAR 1– 10 days in NICU, could not visit until Day 3, held for first time on Day 7

• “Weren’t you doing your kick counts?!”

This is All My Fault

The New Normal: I Want My Old Life Back

• I’ve been GREAT with kids my ENTIRE life. Why is this so hard now?! • Identity crisis, lonely isolation, daily drudgery

– “I have dress yoga pants for going to Dr. appointments and Target, and around the house yoga pants that are faded and worn.”

– I used to be important…it’s all moving on without me• It took 2 to tango, but Mom flies solo most of the time

– Career mothers expect 50/50 partnership from spouses, but it usually doesn’t happen– Harvard Business Review studies on variety of aspects for dual-career households

• Static pressure on the mother alone causes Performance Anxiety– Sources from Doctors, Family, Culture, Herself

• Anxiety, Depression, Marital Problems vicious cycle• Sleep Deprivation: mental exhaustion worse than physical

– All-nighters worse in your 30’s than 20’s; adrenaline is not enough

• Some Good News: I got PROMOTED while on maternity leave!• Fast-Forward: All of the above does improve with time; try to be patient

Breastfeeding: Not Necessarily NaturalThe Message: slightly embellished

• Breastmilk is Earth’s most vital resource: it prevents cancer, obesity, ADHD, retardation, and traffic tickets!

• It’s natural, you were BORN to do this!

• “One bottle of formula is worse than a can of soda” - Lactation Consultant

• “If you cave and give one bottle of formula, you will destroy 3 months of healthy intestinal growth.” – Lactation Consultant

• Visions of freezers full of pumped milk, I will SAVE THE WORLD with my supply!

Breastfeeding: Not Necessarily NaturalThe Reality: Data is truth• Breastmilk is best, but the data is non-empirical.• Formula is not poison • Low milk supply IS a real thing: more common than advertised or researched • Lactation issues common for difficult birth experiences, still pressured to

perform• “You just need to try harder. Live in a chair.”• Breastfeeding difficulty is a leading factor for postpartum depression

– I experienced immediate improvement in emotional health when I stopped pumping (9 months) and resumed taking combination birth control pills (progesterone + estrogen)

• Consumed $200 of herbal potions to promote lactation. No effect.• Felt like Strike 3: Didn’t grow him right, didn’t birth him right,

can’t feed him right “Rejected Mammal” Complex

Formula: The F Word

Engineering Tools to the Rescue!Filtering the Signal from the Noise

• Six Sigma was invented by moms, they were just too busy changing diapers to write a book about it

• 5S: Not just for manufacturing anymore!– Dr. Harvey Karp, Happiest Baby on the Block: Swaddle,

Side, Shush, “Shake”/Swing, Suck 4th Trimester• Risk Assessment & Mitigation– Carseat drama: “90% of carseats are improperly used”– SIDS, whooping cough, choking, hair tourniquet, OH MY!

• Continuous Improvement– Do what works until it doesn’t, then do something else. – Simplify your life

Engineering Tools to the Rescue!Filtering the Signal from the Noise

• Lean, Value Stream Mapping, SPC, etc– OCData: diaper unit costs, milk volume, weighing diapers,

and other total wastes of time– Buy 2-3 sets of pump parts; refrigerate to reduce wash time– Prepare week’s worth of bottles/food for day care, laundry

on 2-week centers, plain white socks, Avery labels– “Dirty” Secret: babies don’t need daily baths– Automated Bill Pay, etc.

• Cost-Benefit Analysis– “Hire as many services as you can afford” - Grocery delivery,

housekeeping, family assistant, nighttime nanny

Back to Work!

The cell phones have changed, but the story stayed the same…

1987(28 years ago!)

Back To Work!• 14 weeks of Leave: 6 FMLA + 6 California Baby Bonding + 2 “Bonus”

for C-Section (Score!) • Working 32 Hours/Week (M-Th) full-time workload for 75% salary• Initially a huge relief: finally getting some help w/ high quality day

care– Costs almost as much as my mortgage, like college tuition

• Work-Life “Balance,” “Integration”… Part reality, larger part myth– Conflict is inevitable. Availability cannot be created on demand.– At work, feel guilty about home. At home, feel guilty about work Compartmentalize

• Forces you to create boundaries, hones judgment and delegation skills

“Balance is not always 50/50; it’s about finding what’s sustainable.”– Gwynne Shotwell (SpaceX President, COO), WE14 Annual Conference

19 Months: Two Career Paths Diverged In A Wood…

• Husband got major promotion even more time away – Felt frustrated, unfair, neglected, though important overall for our family

• I was assigned a new role with more responsibility, but no training or mentor, tense circumstances needed a hero & fast!– Difficult transition, but ultimately LESS stress! True story! – Advancement opportunities bring chances to reset, break old habits,

build new relationships– Was scared of failure and being “tolerated” for part-time status, but my

best was beyond enough. Highly valued on team.

“It seems women can have it all, just not at the same time.”– Madeline Albright

A Critical Look at ΔPthere is a significant women’s issue here

Coleman air mattress pump:• $30, Refundable, Rechargeable• Not available in fun mommy-pastel

housing• No circuit card to create suction

rhythms• How different is this, REALLY?

• $200-$300, Not Refundable once opened• Most models not rechargeable, expensive

adapters. No spare battery option.• “Medical Grade” but not certified to anything• Difficult to clean, milk contaminates tubing• May fail after 12 months designed to replace for

every child• Cannot easily pump while holding baby or reclined

Breast Pumps Suck• I pumped for 9 months, >1,000 hours! (OCData)– At home, at work, at Disneyland, even while driving!

• Weird feeling of being in a relationship with a machine

• Colleagues very supportive, ok to leave meetings– “I remember my wife going through all that.”

• Engineering: We need a REAL hands-free solution with a quiet and wireless pump.– MIT Hackathon– What if breastfeeding was a sport? How would Nike

or Oakley design a pump system for women?

Risk Assessment & Engineering: Using A Borrowed Pump

• My best friend gave me her Medela Pump In Style• Connected Ameda pump flanges from hospital to

Medela, creating a fully closed system! – Tubing is same diameter, stays clean and completely

isolated from milk. • Complete teardown w/ multiple disinfection steps– Boiled in soapy water, bleach swabs, IPA deluge, UV light

Disclaimer: This was an informed personal choice that is strictly discouraged by medical experts.

Disassembly & Analysis:Used Medela Pump In Style Breast Pump

Diaphragm: Mildew, Biocontaminated

Sealing Surface: Pristine

Lot Code & Mfg. DateSimple Electric Drive

MechanismGenerates Debris

Advice for Momgineers(I’m still learning how to do most of these)

• Practice Giving Up Control– Women Engineers tend toward Type-A, Cause-Effect, Ownership. Causes anxiety and

frustration in motherhood. Right/Left Brain

• Establish Roles & Responsibilities with your spouse/partner immediately and continuously. Bad habits escalate anger, frustration. Practice Give & Take principles, Negotiate

• Just Say NO:– No Guilt– No Apologies– No Judgment– No over commitments at home and work (and yes, SWE too)– No Mommy Wars

• It Takes a Village…and you probably have to build it yourself

YOU ARE THE EXPERT ON YOUR CHILD

Put Your Oxygen Mask On FIRST

More Advice for Momgineers(I’m still learning how to do most of these)

• Do your best, then let it go (let it goooooo). Move on from events of bad timing, etc.

• Don’t worry if you “muddle through”- you’re probably doing better than you think!

• Do it your way, be confident & proud of yourself• Make yourself a priority. Exercise. Bring groceries to work.• Be Strategic with work projects: use your best time to make the

most impact

My Must-HavesAn otherwise intelligent person goes into Babies R Us and stands paralyzed at the infinite walls of stuff.

Don’t worry, they have people trained to recognize that look on your face and say things like, “Would you like to meet with our bottle brush specialist?”

You: LEAN the Morning Routine, Get Good Products

A place to set them down safely, compact

$1

Flannel Waterproof Pads

Cold Storage Constantly

High End Carrier w/ Fwd-Rear Facing

Cloth Diapers = Best Burp Cloths

Boppy Pillow

Fan (White Noise), Blackout Curtains

Swaddling: it’s a THING

Jammies w/ zippers (not snaps), Bibs with snaps (not velcro)

Connection, Support

What I Know Now• Engineering is EASY! • Going back to work was one of the best days of my life• There’s a reason fertility peaks before your brain is fully

developed• Pregnancy & Delivery: Nothing to fear but fear itself• Don’t let the tough stuff define the experience or your

relationships. Make no major decisions or life analysis for at least 6 months (or 12 or 18!)

• There will be people that just don’t get it. Ignore them.• Comparison Is the Enemy of Happiness• Behind every great kid is a parent certain they are failing• Lean In when you can, Lean Out when you need to. Long-term.

Continued on next slide……

What I Know Now (continued)

• You get the most support when you need it the least, and least support when needed the most

• Good help can be hard to find, but look for it and use it• You can love your child and be an excellent mother

without loving “motherhood” itself, especially in the newborn stage

• Male engineers were supportive: practical, many quite sympathetic to the struggle

• Take ALL advice & direction with a large grain of salt, trust your instincts, choose what makes sense for YOU.

The DAYS are long, but the YEARS are short

How to Support Momgineers• Practice SWE Values

– Recognize: help make them look good, pay it forward!– Protect: Squash negative perceptions and attitudes– Encourage: Tell them they are great moms, smart moms– Support: babysitting, food, household tasks, adult conversation

• Employers & Managers– Flexibility, flexibility, flexibility

• some of my best work is done remotely during “global” business hours (late at night)– Support reduced work schedule: Quality, not quantity!

• Same results as full-time counterparts, lower cost (shouldn’t be)– Be Patient : infants get sick, moms get sick, doctors appointments, etc. Frequency of

absences drops at 9-12 months, and continues through elementary school.– Think Bigger: Momgineers are (still) a great investment. You cannot replace their

experience and point of view. Remember the pipeline. – Support fathers to take Family Leave

– Be the current, not the resistance: who do YOU want raising the next generation?

A Typical Week In My House• Mornings:

– Husband on child duty, drops off at Day Care by 7:30am (this is huge)– Husband does kitchen chores, washes bottles

• Evenings: – Quick workout 5:15-5:45pm @ gym– I pick up child at 6pm– Errands/grocery shopping, dinner, laundry, pack lunches, bathe child– Husband is home ~8pm (sometimes later)– Dualing laptop “dates” in the dining room (working from home)

• Wednesdays: family dinner out, Husband takes son to the park or grocery store while I get in a longer workout

• Fridays: time to myself, household tasks, remote work• Weekends:

– Husband bike ride (several hours)– Family meal out and/or Date without child– Husband works from home ~2-3hrs, or goes to office ~1-2/month

• Medical Care: Mostly me, take turns with Sick days

Not 50/50 but usually close enough, generally sustainable

“Your Life Is Over”

Suggested Reading & Viewing List• TED Talk: “Let’s Talk Parenting Taboos,” by Rufus

Griscom & Alisa Volkman, founders of babble.com• The Happiest Baby On The Block, Dr. Harvey Karp• Bringing Up Bébé, by Pamela Druckerman

– The New Basics: A-to-Z Baby & Child Care for the Modern Parent, by Dr. Michel Cohen

• Stanford Breastfeeding Videos• Kellymom.com (breastfeeding support)• 2015 Similac Commercial• Lean In, by Sheryl Sandberg

THANK YOU!

Questions? Discussion.

Appendix: Similac Commercial,TED Talk (Griscom/Volkman)

• 2015 Similac Commercialhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Me9yrREXOj4

• TED Talk w/ Babble.com Founders (Griscom/Volkman)http://www.ted.com/talks/rufus_griscom_alisa_volkman_let_s_talk_parenting_taboos?language=en