SPECTRUMMAIMONIDES SCHOOL STUDENT NEWSPAPER

Vol. III Issue 4

TRAGEDY AT FORT HOOD

Army Psychologist Charged | 5

ANIMAL BYPRODUCTS

Okay to Eat? | 6

In early November, a

small group of seniors and

juniors traveled to Washing-

ton, D.C. to attend an AIPAC

High School Conference.

AIPAC, the American Is-

rael Public Affairs Commit-

tee, is an interest group that

lobbies Congress in support

of a strong relationship be-

tween America and Israel.

Contrary to popular belief,

AIPAC is not a traditional

political action committee

(PAC) since it is bipartisan

and does not endorse can-

didates who run for office.

When the Maimonides

delegation arrived at the

majestic Washington Grand

Hyatt, they picked up their

name tags and ran to the

conference’s main meet-

ing room just in time to

catch the end of the open-

ing remarks. They soon

learned that the delegations

there included people from

states including Michigan,

Florida, California, New

York, New Jersey and Mary-

land. Overall, there were

over 400 other high school

students, all eager to learn

what AIPAC was about.

When Maimonides stu-

dents received their name

tags, they also received

a schedule that told them

they would be hearing lec-

tures on topics ranging from

‘Understanding AIPAC’s

Mission and Mandate’ to

‘Iran and the Bomb.’ For

the first day and a half, the

Maimonides delegation was

divided into groups based

on their name tags. The

first speeches were mostly

about AIPAC’s mission and

why it is important. Also

After fighting through five ag-

gressive games, the Maimonides

boys’ soccer team boasted an impres-

sive 4-1 record. With a growing fan

base and a four game winning streak,

morale soared. Coach Borkow kept

his M-Cats in tip-top shape with at

least five rigorous practices a week

supplemented by daily sets of push-

ups. Assistant Coach Barbosa used

his years of soccer experience to

share powerful plays and innovative

game day strategies. As a team, the

M-Cats were poised to meet any chal-

lenges their schedule held in store.

In game six of the season, Mai-

monides faced Matignon High

School. Just a week before, Matignon

and Maimonides had battled it out in

true warrior fashion. Despite a late

game comeback by Matignon, Mai-

monides escaped with a 4-3 victory.

As they left the field, it was clear that

Matignon was hungry for revenge.

Everyone knows that eating in the

library is forbidden, yet people con-

tinue to do it anyway. It states in the

Upper School Handbook: “No food

or drink (except water) is allowed in

classrooms, in the library, or in the

shul” (Section 3-School Rules: Food

Outside Permitted Areas). This rule

has been in use for eighteen years. So

why doesn’t everybody follow it? Why

is it a rule to begin with? Has this rule

turned into a joke that no one wants to

adhere to? To answer this last ques-

tion, I first had to find out why stu-

dents eat in the library to begin with.

I believe I found my answer when I

interviewed sophomore Tess Niewood.

When I asked her opinion about the

prohibition of food in the library, she

was hesitant to respond. Ultimately, she

did agree that the rule “makes sense.” I

asked her if she thought that it was fair

that students disregarded the rule. She

answered that it’s not fair, but it’s not

something that is likely to change. The

library is a place where students hang

out; there are few other places to go.

The student lounge is very small, and

mostly used by juniors and seniors. The

A Capital Good Time

Road to the

State

Tournament

The Law of the LibraryBy Ariela Greengart

Continued on pg.5

By Ben Niewood

In This Issue:

Scheduling Woes: A Maimo student takes a stab at the schedule, offer-ing a proposal to solve his personal angst......page 2

Robben Island: Sarah Ricklan goes to a former Prisoner of War

camp and lives to tell the tale................page 2

Bombs Away:�e US gets tired of wars on Earth and decides to bomb the moon..............page 7

�e Cartoon:Sick of waiting for �e

Spectrum Poll to return, Eli Portman makes a timely one

of his own............page 8

Culinary Corner:Sarah Robinson teaches you how to make a �anksgiving

pie.....................page 11

Continued on pg.7

By Daniel Lasman

Continued on pg.5

November 2009

Student outlaw munching in the library

Maimonides students at the Capitol

Vol. XX Issue 8 March 2014 / Adar II 5774 WWW.MAIMOSPECTRUM.COM

In This Issue:

Armenians de-mand “Armenian Quarter of entire State of Israel, refuse to negoti-ate terms

… Page ¼

Spectrum be-comes official newspaper of the United Nations

… Page 1

Editorial: Re-place the court-yard with a ball pit … Page 2

Ms. Pywell has pet hamster

... Page 3.14

Assistant Ed-itor-in-Chief stages coup, re-places superiors with freshmen

… Page 9

Extreme Televi-sion Watching” to be included in 2018’s Winter Olympics

… Channel 10

Rabbi Huff cel-ebrates his birth-day

… Page 18

Charedis gather army to resist Israeli draft

… Page 613

Levi-Cohen-Goldberg-Steinbaum argues for flappy bird to be taught as subject

… Page ∞

Chobani Scan-dal at the Sochi

Olympics

Continued on page 12

Zombies Overrun

Hollywood … Page 666

Seniors Start Freshman-

Racing … Page 12

Paintball Guns in Knesset … Page 120

By HadassaH stanHill ’17Every American loves his or her yogurt, and apparently so does Team USA. The American team consists of the most accom-plished athletes in the country who were chosen to represent the country at the Sochi Winter Olympics in February. Before the start of the Olympics, Team USA decided they needed food from home and ordered a ship-ment of Chobani Greek yogurt. But the Greek yogurt from America did not make it directly into the hands of the American athletes. Instead, it was detained at a Russian harbor. It is hard to tell what exactly the Rus-sians have against Greek yogurt, but maybe its unique taste was throwing them off. Russia re-fused to allow the Chobani yo-gurt into the athletes’ village. News reports claim that Russia allowed a shipment of Stonyfield Farm yogurts into the athletes’ village, but Team USA was not satisfied with this replacement.The detained Chobani started a controversy at the Games. The American athletes complained publicly, and Russia tried to ne-gotiate with them. A spokesper-son for the committee in charge of the Sochi Olympics stated: “Chobani Greek yogurt is ab-solutely revolting, and we can-not allow our athletes anywhere near this product.” Media sources contacted the owner of the Chobani Greek yo-gurt company, and quoted him as saying: “Chobani is Ameri-ca’s favorite yogurt, and I refuse to comply with Russian yogurt standards.” Russia’s response was to suggest some alterations in the taste of the yogurt, but Chobani refused to acknowl-edge this proposal. Russia’s rejection of Chobani Greek yogurt caused a major uproar among the American ath-

Maimo Celebrates Nakba Day

By Eli CoHn ’14In an unprecedented turn of

events, Maimonides has announced that this year’s celebration of Yom Ha’atzmaut, Israel’s Independence Day, will be cancelled. In its place will be a Nakba Day celebration. Nakba in Arabic means catastrophe, and usually refers to the catastrophe

of Israel being established as a coun-try in 1948.

The Maimonides School princi-pal said, “While we know Maimo students love the early dismissal [at 3:45] on Yom Ha’atzmaut, we think that they should get to experience the other side as well, so they can appre-ciate the catastrophe for the Arabs.”

Continued on page 3

Maimonides students will be able to commemorate Nakba day, like this young person.

The Men of the Wall

By Kayla sHatz ’15In recent months, feminist women

have been wearing tallitot and tefil-lin at the Kotel, causing much up-roar among the right-wing men who usually daven there. These women, known as Women of the Wall, have been arrested on several accounts and have been forced to leave the wom-en’s area of the Kotel. The movement has caused much debate among Israe-li and American Jews alike: should the women have been forced to move or not?

What no one really knows, and what no media sources have yet re-ported, is that many Charedi men at the Kotel have come up with a rebut-tal. They have begun to dress in long, black maxi-skirts, and an occasional sheitel. Many are exceedingly of-fended by this action. They feel that the men look “unnatural” dressed that way, and that it is not how God in-tended for men to worship Him.

“All we want is to worship Hash-em in the same way that the women get to,” explains a participant in the

Davening Should Be Optional and Burqas Should Be Mandatory

By sHmuEl PErniConE ’148:01. You are late for daven-

ing. Rabbis patrol the hallways like guards on duty, herding students into shul for morning prayers. Does this motivate the tired children? Do they feel closer to God when they are forced into the crowded, noisy shul and asked to talk to Him? Should I keep asking rhetorical questions? Deep down, we all know that the an-

swer is no.We know from Gemara Succah

that someone who is commanded to do something is less inclined to obey than someone who receives no command (although if you know this Gemara, then you probably disagree with this article). Here exists a Tal-mudic proof that forcing students to attend prayers will backfire. Manda-tory davening is not only ineffective

towards spiritual growth, but even detrimental. Statistics show that eighty-seven percent of teenagers who are forced to shul against their will become—in a matter of years—passionate atheists.

Furthermore, when stubborn stu-dents are put in the same room as stu-dents who are actually trying to have a conversation with their Maker, the stubborn students talk. They do not

PURIM

EDITION

Continued on page 6

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The Culinary Corner

E(->$()'$E".;&>/)7By Bella RumshiskayaBy Sarah Robinson

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f():(-#$aURUJune 2010Page 2

Letter from the EditorsMarch 2014 / Adar II 5774

Corrections:

The Staff Box on Page 2 of Spectrum, which was printed in

advance, mistakenly lists Beni Snow as Creditor-in-Chief and Davey Schoenberg as Assistant Creditor-in-Chief. The positions are actually reversed.

Howdy, Maimonideans!Adar Sameach! Purim

Sameach!

Ah, that time of year has ar-rived once more. The time of year when we can make jokes

in class, dance around the school, and make fun of teachers without be-ing punished. Or some-thing like that. Here at Spectrum we have been busy as usual-- while you and your friends slack off and get ready for Purim, we have been toiling day in, day out to produce a newspa-

per funnier than ever before. Now, maybe some of you will actually read past page 4! Please? Yeah, that’s right. Even we, the uptight editors of Spectrum, can make fun of ourselves once in a while. That is, after all, the spirit of the season, is it not? We hope you find something, or even better, somethings, in this is-sue that will knock your socks off. Like, in a funny way. We hope you laugh ‘till you cry, and share the joy with your

friends. On a somewhat seri-ous note: whatever the sea-son, whatever the spirit of the article, please keep submit-ting to Spectrum. You all are the people that we run on, and run for. As always, write for Spectrum, don’t be afraid to tell your story, and most of all, stand up for what you be-lieve in.

Your hilarious elders,Davey, Daniel, and Beni

Photo Credits:

Culinary corner - eofdreams.com

Marijuana - mca-sf.org

Morgan Freeman - patdollard.com

Nakba - en.wikipdedia.org

Oprah - en.wikipedia.org and hollywoodre-publican.net

Pinnies - cintz.com

Ping pong - busydadblog.com

Singing - privateinvestigations.blogspot.com

Duel - Maimonides School

Penguin - upload.wikimedia.org

Orange juice - upload.wikimedia.org

Dog - static.tumblr.com

The Spectrum Staff

Creditors-in-Chief: Daniel Schwartz ’14 and Beni Snow ’14

Assistant Creditor-in-Chief: Davey Schoenberg ’15

Chief Sloppy Editor: Ari Schild ’14Assistant Sloppy Editor:

Caleb Jacoby ’15Chief Payout Editor:

Eli Cohn ’14Assistant Payout Editor:

Sarah Pomeranz ’15Old World News Column Editor:

Sosis ’14Semi-interesting School Editor:

Shira Krinsky ’14 Starts & Entertainment Editor:

Hannah Stanhill ’15 Hispinion Editor: Chaiel Schaffel ’15

Ha Ha Ha!Medina Editor: Eitan Kaplan ’14

Pictorgraphiness Editor: Daniel Smits ’16

Technology Overseer: Ethan Fraenkel ’17

The sometimes important Writers:Debbie-Lee Baskir, Jordan Cohen,

Eli Cohn, Austin Edelman, Shoshana Ehrenkranz, Josh Eibelman, Yehudit Fox, Michael Gerber, Akiva Jacobs, Gabriella Jacobson, Eitan Jeselsohn,

Charlie Kramer, Shira Krinsky, Shmuel Pernicone, Sarah Pomeranz, Chaiel Schaffel, Davey Schoenberg,

Daniel Schwartz, Kayla Shatz, Jared Shein, Joseph Solomont, Hadassah

Stanhill Columnists (they write columns):

Talia Bessler ’15, Eitan Kaplan ’14 and Adam Katzman ’14, Joseph

Solomont ’14, and Julia Wiener ’14Guardian Angel:

Ms. Wright Money Dude: Mr. Rosenberg

Spectrum Staff Member of the Month: That guy

Advertisements: Please contact the editors at

advertise.Spectrum@gmail.comSpectrum, published monthly during the school

year, is the official student newspaper of Maimonides School.

To contribute to Spectrum, speak to the Editors-in-Chief. You may send letters to the editors by

email at Spectrumstaff@ gmail.com. Spectrum can also be found on the Internet at

http://maimospectrum.com

Letter from the PresidentsThe presidents have been kidnapped, along with Billy, so h e r e ’ s B i l l y ’s f r i e n d , George, to fill in.

World News

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d/1E/'8(),`,June 2010 Page 3Page 3

SchoolMaimo Announces Mandatory Dorms

By sHosHana EHrEnKranz ’16It was announced last Friday

that Maimonides School will build dorms for the upcoming 2014-2015 school year. There have been mixed reactions, but, as one student put it, “at least we can wake up later.” An exclusive source, who wished to stay anonymous, mentioned that attendance will be more strict and the school day longer: “Now there won’t be complaints about the early and long commute from those Sharon farmers. I am sure the Providence kids will appreciate the dormitory rooms, but they never complained anyways.”

Another anonymous faculty member said, “Will people be here all the time invadin- I mean hanging out in the building?” He then went back strolling the hallway with a distressed look before I could an-swer.

When the information was

leaked, students had many ques-tions. One question, for instance, was where Maimonides has space for the dorms. The dorm buildings are to to be built in two separate ar-eas: one near the Saval library for the girls, another near the Saval gym for the boys.

There will be 24-hour security (but who really needs it when half the school usually stays until late evening for extracurricular activ-ity anyways?). Another frequently asked question was, how will this affect the students?

The students will be greatly af-fected by the sudden change in the living situation, but overall their academic courses will remain the same with additional help available in the later hours. There will also be some perks as the students get older. Starting second half of junior year the students are allowed to drive into Boston after the school day;

the curfew for juniors is nine while seniors have a ten o’clock curfew. All the necessities will be a part of the dorm rooms. This is a great way to prepare the students for college and Israel. Other details will be an-nounced when finalized by the ad-ministration.

The change was a spontane-ous decision made by an urge to enhance the Jewish life of the stu-dents. With the help of faculty and several donors, the dorms are hoped to become a cool trend worldwide with Jewish schools. There are al-ready several Jewish schools across America with optional dorming, but after Maimonides does so, it is ex-pected to jump-start other schools to take a stand on day-school learn-ing. It has sparking up controversy like a wildfire and is even trending on Jewish twitter as #Maimonides-JewishSchoolDorm, second only to #waitwhatdoyoumeangirlscan-

wearteffilin. There were some who thought up a conspiracy theory that Maimonides was going to become an extended high school. “I know why Maimonides is going to offer dorm rooms; its because they want us to stay forever! Ha, I know their plan and I won’t accept it. I bet they are going to make it like a casino, right? They’re going to take away all the clocks and windows and we’ll be stuck here forever!” one student posted on her Facebook. She was on the more extreme side of the conspiracy theory. With a lot of crazy ideas created by the con-spiracy theorists of Maimo, there is a lot of information to clear up. It is much anticipated to see the out-come of the 2014-2015 dormitory buildings of Maimonides school. “It probably, kind of, most likely, will not be a disaster,” an adminis-trator assured.

Maimo Celebrates Nakba Day

March 2014 / Adar II 5774

Continued from page 1

The principal added that instead of early dismissal, Maimo will have it’s own “Nakba,” its own catastro-phe, and dismissal will instead be at 9:00 PM. In addition, X-Block on that day will be cancelled.

In an email to parents, the school stressed that the catastrophe of the Arabs is not appreciated enough at Maimo. “Arabs are allowed to vote, serve on the Supreme Court, and serve in the Knesset, in addition to being able to participate in a true democracy, something they cannot do in most other Arab countries,” the email read. “It’s just too much freedom for them, and we need to be able to publicize that.”

On the Maimo commemoration of Nakba day, students will attend a three-hour assembly where a one-hour moment of silence will be ob-served. In a gracious sign of mercy, it was announced that students will be able to sit for the extended mo-

ment of silence. An assistant principal was quoted

as saying that part of the reason for the long moment of silence was so that he “could see those kids shut-up for even a little while in the shul. It seems that communal prayers to Hashem don’t do the trick, so maybe a super-long moment of silence in honor of a cause that most students vehemently oppose may help.” The operations manager explained in a further email that in commemo-ration of Nakba day, only regular cheerios and 3% milk would be of-fered at breakfast.

While one-third of the assembly will be devoted to silence, admin-istrators still have to fill the other two-thirds of the assembly. The school has invited Omar Barghouti, a noted BDS supporter, to speak in honor of Nakba day. “Though Mr. Barghouti will likely say some false statements, and is a hypocrite

as he supports divestment from Is-rael while in the process of getting an advanced degree from Tel Aviv University, students are asked to restrain themselves from throwing items that can make a mess, as the talk will be taking place in the shul. Rather, they should instead throw objects, that when thrown, don’t make a mess,” Rabbi Soskil noted.

The Hebrew department spokes-person, Ploni Almoni, could not be reached for comment.

While many in the Maimonides community were surprised, one Maimonides parent was quoted as saying that it wasn’t that surprising to him. “Maimo has been moving more and more to the left over the years. From the small amount of time spent on Talmud each week to the girls-only choir, Maimo has gotten pretty left-wing.” The parent went on to say that this shift to the left surprised him as most of soci-

ety “has gotten pretty right-wing lately.”

Most of the student body was excited by this new event. Benny Strachman ’14 said that he was ex-cited to “participate in the activities of a different culture.” He went on to say that while he appreciates Is-rael and all that it has done for the Jewish people, he has never come to “appreciate the plight of the Pal-estinians. I mean, they have to work at places like SodaStream which pays double the average wage paid to Palestinians, and even built a mosque on site! I mean, it’s ridicu-lous for us to say that doing that isn’t a war crime!” Strachman continued on to say that he looks forward to suffering like the Palestinians when he has to eat plain Cheerios on Na-kba day.

Editor-in-Chief a FraudBy davEy sCHoEnBErg ’15

It was a wonderful Friday after-noon. The sun was hidden behind dark clouds, the ground was cov-ered in black ice, and I had just been yelled at by two teachers in a row. It was also my birthday.

As I went through the birthday wishes people had posted on my Facebook timeline, one of them made my heart stop. It was from

(supposed) Chief Editor Overlord Beni Snow. “Happy birthday,” it said. “You’re fired.”

Fired? Why? He could not pos-sibly have discovered my intent to organize a coup of Spectrum. What could have prompted him to strip me of my exalted Assistant Editor-in-Chief status? I could not think of any reason, but that night I had a dream. In my dream, the Spectrum

gods came to me. They suggested that I look into the legitimacy of Beni’s reign.

When I awoke, I knew what I had to do. I had to look into the legiti-macy of Beni’s reign. (Of course, this decision was totally my own and had nothing to do with what those gods told me to do.) To do this, I needed to go on a quest to find the people who would have

the answers: Elisha Jacobs, Jeremy Fisher, and Yoni Schoenberg. The wise and ancient Editors-in-Chief would know everything about Be-ni’s history.

I will not say much about the de-tails of my arduous journey. It in-volved an Amish buggy and a cou-ple shipwrecks, as well as a giraffe who loved to talk in third person, but I finally reached my destina-

Continued on page 5

Continued on page 5

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f():(-#$aURUJune 2010Page 4

SchoolMaimo Sings Out Loud and Proud

By sHira KrinsKy ’14Many readers have noticed that

recently more singing has been in-troduced into the daily Mai-monides minyan, specifically the singing of Acheinu after Torah reading, the recitation of Shema out loud together, and an effort to make Hallel even more joyous through longer singing. The administration has gotten so much positive feedback from students and parents regarding this recent addition to davening that they’ve decided to take the singing a step further.

The Judaic studies principals and teachers met last month to discuss possible additions to the daily service. One teacher suggested that they sing Aleinu and Al-Kain out loud every day, but that was quickly vetoed. Another teacher suggested that we start each morning singing Ma Tovu, Adon Olam, and Yig-dal out loud. That idea was talked over for quite some time while the faculty debated whether that would encourage or discourage students from getting to davening on time. Before that discussion could be fin-ished, one assistant principal, think-ing about the good old (by old we don’t actually mean very old, this assistant principal is only about 17 years old … yet somehow he has

four kids?) days in yeshiva, thought of another suggestion: Ka Echsof.

The principal then launched into

an eloborate speech about how Ka Echsof is an old Chassidic song that was written by Rabbi Aharon of Karlin, who according to a very reli-able source, was “known among the Ḥasidim as Rabbi Aaron the Great, or simply as the “Preacher” or “Censor”; born in 1738; died 1771. He was one of the early great rab-bis of the sect who helped the rapid spread of Ḥasidism in eastern Eu-rope, and was distinguished for the

fiery eloquence of his exhortations. He died one year before his master, the great Rabbi Baer of Mezhirich,

and was succeeded by his son, Asher of Karlin.” He founded the Karlin dynasty of Chasidim who still exist today. He was a student of the Maggid of Mezrich, who was a student of the Ba’al Shem Tov, the founder of Chassidut. Basically, Ka Echsof is a very holy song. This an-cient Chassidic song with a hard-to-comprehend tune has become very popular in Israel.

The assistant principal’s sugges-

tion was at first rejected, but once the principal sang it for the facul-ty assembled at the meeting, they

changed their mind. Every mem-ber of the faculty in that meeting was heard later that day singing Ka Echsof to themselves. (Most of them got some of the tune wrong.)

The next part of the discussion regarded how to implement this singing. Eventually, it was agreed that this song should be sung every Friday after davening is finished l’kavod Shabbat. As the tune is hard to catch onto, Doron Cheses ‘14 agreed to lead it every week until enough people caught on. .

In order for students to get some exposure to Ka Echsof, Spectrum has been asked by the administra-tion to include the lyrics in this article:

[Due to technical difficulties related to the fact that Adobe charges an outrageous amount of money for the version of InDe-

sign that can handle right-to-left languages, the lyrics could not be printed. Please instead ask Doron Cheses for a copy.]

Students are being asked to mem-orize all of the lyrics by the begin-ning of April.

In addition, a wonderful rendi-tion by some of the senior boys can be found here (click on it some-how): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmRhhUORG5c

Litmag is a CultBy Barry rotH ’14

Recent sightings of strange ac-tivity have been reported. Students claim that they hear deep and slow chanting, accompanied by large, menacing shadows leaping out of U-22 during lunch periods on Tues-days and Thursdays. One student even told a Spectrum reporter that she spotted fog spilling out of the room on a few occasions.

These anomalies have only been reported during the designated lunch periods, and no other strange occurrences have been reported at any other time.

Hooded figures whose faces are masked in shadow have also been reported to converge upon this room during lunches. They bring with them their leather-bound books. These books may only be read by lay-folk at the end of each annual cycle, and have been described as

leather bound tomes of poetry and other lore. Many of these have been illustrated, and a select few have ac-tually been read.

BREAKING NEWS:In a sudden development, it has

been noticed that the student popu-lation sharply decreases during the hours of lunch on certain days. They disappear, and the chanting starts. It has been pointed out that large shipments of hooded cloaks and torches have arrived at our school. It has also been revealed that many of the poems contained within these books, known as Current, are actu-ally from the student population. After thorough investigation, I have concluded that none of these stu-dents ever remember submitting these works.

All the reports from the lab indi-cate that there are traces of chloro-form within the robes of the face-less Monks. Do not approach them

under any circumstances, they have been deemed extremely dangerous by local authorities.

NEW DEVELOPMENT:A new survey shows that about

five percent of the student popula-tion cannot recall their whereabouts between 1:15 and 1:55. It has also been noticed that these same five percent have a very advanced knowledge of poetry and literature. The word “submit” has started to appear written on lockers, windows, and bathroom stalls. Sometimes, late at night, the word can be heard over the loudspeaker, being whis-pered into the microphone. (Even though the office is locked and the surveillance tapes show no signs of breaking and entering, or of life in general.)

SHOCKING REVELATION:After security cameras were in-

stalled into U-22, I have made a shocking discovery. The members

of Maimonides’ Literary Magazine Club can be seen walking in in a zombie-like fashion. They then pull out their robes, darken the room, and light their torches. Their “Cur-rents” are pulled out, and they be-gan to chant in low tones. They have been behind this the whole time. They are aware of everything, and are coming for you. This was all their doing. Save yourselves! Go back to your homes and hide during the lunch hour! Hug your families and pray, and whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, sub-mit. They will find you, and they will edit you. It is inevitable, and too late for me. They are on to me, I can tell. I hear them approaching this very moment! They are mur-muring Robert Frost and Langston Hughes. It’s… It’s so beautiful… Yes. I will submit… submit… sub-mit!

March 2014 / Adar II 5774

This rabbi-type fellow is definitely singing out and proud.

World News

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d/1E/'8(),`,June 2010 Page 5Page 5

SchoolSha’atnez Outbreak Invades Maimonides

By yEHudit Fox ’15On February 12, 2014, Naty Katz

sent out an urgent email to the par-ents, informing them that the pinnies worn in gym classes were found to contain Sha’atnez. Naturally, chaos ensued. The next day, follow-ing Rabbi Soskil’s urgent loudspeaker announcement, the entire Upper School gathered in the shul to say communal te-hillim. Afterwards, the boys’ choir, Kol Dodi Dofek, per-formed an inspiring song for the school, which obviously involved lots of “doombops.” Once the spiritual aspects of the ordeal were addressed, Mrs. Bo-roschek encouraged everyone to check in with Leslie during the following weeks.

Since this event, many changes have taken place in gym class. One of the most notable changes is that dif-ferent teams are now indicated by shirts and no-shirts instead of being indicated by different colored pin-nies. Another major change is that fifty percent more girls are actually attending gym class now that there are no more pinnies.

Although this crisis was dealt with early on, many students were

still very disturbed by the effects of this event. One student pointed out that gym classes are no longer fair

because “the team with first picks doesn’t also get stuck wearing the pinnies.” Another student was con-cerned that he would no longer be able to play capture the flag in gym class, however, he was reassured by numerous rabbis that the halachot of Sha’atnez do not apply to flags. Unfortunately, all of the students who missed gym classes because of this situation will need to make

them up before the end of the se-mester.

Not only were students affected

by this disaster, but so were many of the teachers and administrators. One rabbi, an assistant principal who wishes to remain anonymous, sug-gested that the students be quaran-tined for more thorough Sha’atnez checks. In a later interview, Rabbi E discussed how this was never an issue when he played football for White Plains High School, while Rabbi Jaffe explained that this is-

sue only affects Modern Orthodox Jews. Unfortunately, we were not able to get an interview with the

gym teachers them-selves, as we were asked to leave the gym immediately because we were wearing boots.

One person who has profited from this outbreak is the Bostonian Sha’atnez checker, as he now has an influx of new clients. Both the ad-ministrators and stu-dents have taken to “putting up fences” around their daily activities in order to ensure that an out-break of this magni-tude does not break out again. Addition-ally, the school will be having monthly “Sha’atnez drills” which are geared to prepare the students if chas v’shalom this happens again.

The whole com-munity has come together to help in whatever ways it can and Mai-monides School greatly appreciates that. The student council is col-lecting money in order to buy new, Sha’atnez-free pinnies. Everyone is encouraged to donate money to the cause. Additionally, there will be a tzedakah box in the shul, labeled “Sha’atnez.”

tion. My travels—which totally did not involve an airplane—eventually led me to the hotbed of English lit-erature: Israel.

There, I tracked down my first wise man: Jeremy. Unfortunately, however, his new job as Binyamin Netanyahu’s jokester left him too busy to comment.

The second ancient was not much better. Yoni spent most of our in-terview rambling about goats. The constant fear of freezing to death in the Gush’s frigid climate must have gotten to him. (It went all the way down to 45 degrees last night, and in Israel terms that’s 7 degrees!) Anyway, Yoni was completely un-helpful—other than giving a few

tips on how best to approach a goat so as to not get your finger bitten off (bring a carrot). I left him to his musings.

With only one Editor-in-Chief left, my chances of salvaging my Spectrum career seemed bleak. Eli-sha, however, turned out to be noth-ing like the other two elders. He was spry and intelligent, jumping on a pogo stick and doing a cross-word as we talked. Not once, how-ever, did he give me the impression that our conversation bored him. I built up my courage and asked him my question, the answer to which would determine whether I could keep my editorship. “Is Beni a rightful Editor-in-Chief?”

Silence. Then, he responded: “Beni? Heck no. We fired him ages ago!”

As it turns out, Yoni and Elisha had been poking fun at Beni all year. They kept pretending they were about to fire him, but never did so. Eventually, though, it became boring. Beni stopped whimpering. They decided that to scare Beni again, they needed to do something radical. They needed to fire him.

“It was the natural solution to Beni becoming used to our [right-ful] tormenting,” Elisha said. “We decided that the only way to make him afraid again that we’d fire him is if we actually did it.

“He didn’t leave, though. For

some reason, he just decided to keep going as Editor-in-Chief. When we yelled at Daniel to get us fewer articles, Beni was there for some reason. When we talked with Rabbi Soskil about why we feel that we need to censor an article, Beni tagged along. He just wouldn’t go away.”

The Spectrum gods were right. Beni must have known that I would decide to look into his legitimacy as an editor, so he tried to preempt it by firing me. Perhaps he also want-ed revenge for my brother firing him. Either way, I have uncovered the truth.

Beni could not have fired me. He is not Editor-in-Chief. I am!

Continued from page 3

Beni Was Fired, Not Me!

March 2014 / Adar II 5774

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f():(-#$aURUJune 2010Page 6

HaMedinaFootball in Israel: Who would’ve thought?

March 2014 / Adar II 5774

By Eitan JEsElsoHn ’17Throughout the years, Israelis

have watched the NFL from their home continent hoping that one day they would have a football league of their own. That wish has finally come true. After watching the Na-tional Football League playoffs, the State of Israel has voted to start its own American football league.

Prime Minister Netanyahu ad-dressed the press, “We are very excited to start our own football league, and I hope that it will be a big success.” The IFL (Israel Foot-ball League) has announced that there will be six teams. The one with the best record at the end of an eighteen game season will be crowned the champion of the IFL. The six teams are: The Tel- Aviv Beaches, The Jerusalem Lions, The Eilat Dolphins, The Be’er Sheva Wells, The Netanya Tigers, The

Ra’anana Americans, and The Bet Shemesh Palmach.

The season will start in April and finish in the month of July. During the season, the teams will be play-ing on Sunday afternoons. Accord-ingly, Netanyahu has ordered all schools to be closed on Sundays during the season, so that all chil-dren can watch and enjoy the IFL. Children in Israel are thrilled by the day off during the season, and are even more thrilled that there is a football league in Israel.

When asked how this league will be better than the Israel Base-ball League—which lasted only a year—Commissioner Noam Cohen replied, “This league will feature some of the best National Football League players who will draw a lot of attention. The NFL teams have agreed to send us some of their best players, including Tom Brady,

Drew Brees, Frank Gore, Clay Mat-thews, and many more.”

The draft of the players will be held on March 2, and training camp will begin the very next day for all the teams. One Israeli draft pros-pect told reporters that he is “ner-vous yet very excited to play in the IFL alongside with some of the best football players of all time.”

The IFL knows of the many is-sues that the NFL has had with in-juries and player safety. To avoid such issues in the IFL, the leaders of the league has recently elected to make it a flag football league. Al-though this may decrease the popu-larity of the league, that concern is far outweighed by the feeling of safety this move will ensure the players. One fan said that he “un-derstands the reasoning behind this decision,” and that “the decision will not stop him from watching on

Sunday afternoons.” Not only will the IFL spread foot-

ball through Israel, but it will help boost the economy of the six cities that have teams. Commissioner Co-hen has announced that 10% of the revenue that the teams make from the ticket sales will be divided be-tween the city’s public building projects and charity.

The games will be aired on Israe-li television, channel Sport5. Sport5 has estimated that 2 million people will tune in to the opening-day games on Sunday, April 6. Every Israeli citizen is anxiously await-ing the start of the IFL, when their dreams of the glorious American football will be realized!

The Men of the Wallmovement, “I don’t see why any-one has gotten offended-- we are just worshiping Kudsha Breechu the way we want.” The participant requested that he remain anony-mous for fear that his son will not be able to get a shidduch. A small minority of onlookers actually be-lieve that the “Men of the Wall,” as they have come to be called, are do-ing this just to be ironic, as a way of demonstrating to the Women of the Wall just how silly their premise is.

The Women of the Wall, surpris-ingly, embrace their actions. “We believe that people should worship God wearing whatever they choose, especially if it is going to help them grow spiritually,” states a represen-tative from Women of the Wall. “If wearing skirts and sheitels, help these men to pray, then so be it.”

The Women of the Wall are still prohibited from davening with a tallis and tefillin at the Kotel. They are hoping that since the rabbinate has yet to stop these men, they may grant permission for the women to pray as they please as well. How-ever, as of yet, no such permission has been granted.

The rabbinate recently issued a statement regarding the Men of the Wall: “We are aware of the conflict at hand, and we are doing our best

to resolve this issue. We have yet to find the substantial halachic issue with this; however, we will con-tinue to look for it.” The Rabbinate needs to find a serious hala-chic issue in order to stop this silly behav-ior. Many davening at the Kotel would love to put an end to this, but it is, of course, up to the rab-binate. Apparently, due to some halachic intricacy, the rab-binate has ruled that beged isha does not apply here, but no one is sure exactly why. Some insinu-ate that it may have something to do with the rabbinate’s ten-dency to cater to the right-wing.

Everyone is hop-ing for peace be-tween all types of Jews who want to pray at one of the holiest places we have today. I hope we obtain that peace soon, before we get

men and women who wish to pray before the Kotel in full hijab with prayer rugs joining the fray; I fear

that the Old City would not be able to embrace a “Muslims of the Wall” movement.

Continued from page 1

World News

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d/1E/'8(),`,June 2010 Page 7Page 7

School StuffsThe Hummus Conundrum

By JarEd sHEin ’15Editors’ note: the word “finan-

tional” is intentionally misspelled. The Israeli man has existed for

thousands of years. Many different rulers and oppositions have given him a personality of his own. The quintessential modern Israeli is both a loud, aggressive person, and one who often indulges in his lo-cal cuisine, which consists of lots of hummus. Until a recent study, no one really thought of the two as connected.

Hummus is predominantly made of chickpeas. These peas (that are also known as garbanzo beans) ex-ist not only in hummus but also in falafel and other Israeli foods. Ac-cording to a recent study by the Israeli Food-Science Foundation, there is a rare chemical found in the chickpeas (which the study has failed to name) that has been found to also be produced by the brain after frustrating encounters. Many scientists believe that this chemical release causes the impulse to fight back after being insulted. The study

suggested that the intense volume of chickpeas consumed by the av-erage Israeli actually causes the in-tense volume of the average Israeli conversational voice.

These results were remarkable, so I, always the skeptic, decided to see if I could witness this phe-nomenon for myself. I began with the Rabbi Durani, a rather mellow Israeli, thinking that his demeanor seemed to contradict the study. He does not have a very flexible sched-ule so we decided to meet at lunch. I asked him what he thought of the study and he told me that “Many Israelis have been suffering from finantional problems lately and I al-ways thought that was the cause of all the aggression and yelling, but this theory seems like an interest-ing idea because I got news for you, I know many Israeli people who don’t have any finantional problems and are still aggressive and loud.”

He then went into his lunch box and pulled out some falafel. The conversation progressed, and I asked him how his classes were go-

ing. Rabbi Durani responded that it was “none of my business” and that I should “leave him alone” be-cause he had some “things to do.” I inquired whether he thought that his recent chickpea consumption may have cause him to snap at me. Rabbi Durani only raised his voice considerably and told me to leave. Fearing his rapidly mounting anger, I proceeded out of his office and down the hall.

In the hall, I happened upon Mr. Fadlon. I had a few questions about a test I had recently taken a so I approached him hoping for some answers. He was his normal loud, aggressive self; however, I was able to get the information I need-ed and began to walk away. As we parted, I noticed something taped to his wrist. Curious, I risked asking him for a high five so I could take a closer look. Luckily, he agreed without incident. Turns out, he has a constant stream of hummus be-ing pumped into his body through a tube attached to his wrist. That cer-tainly explains a lot.

My own field research only seems to confirm the study. Rabbi Durani had been his normal mellow self before his intake of falafel, and this constant stream of aggression-and-loudness-inducing hummus goes a long way to explain Mr. Fad-lon. If we want to convince Israelis to be nicer, we must deprive them of their beloved hummus! Huzzah!

March 2014 / Adar II 5774

Go To the Play.It’s a crazy time.Otherwise. . . (7PM 3/19)

Davening Should be Optionaltalk to God, even though the shul is built for and dedicated to that pur-pose; they talk to one another, since this is the only opportunity during their day to do so. This chit-chat is very bothersome to the people who are trying to focus on their tefil-lah. In other words, making unin-terested students attend davening makes the entire ordeal frustrating for everyone: the kids who pray, the kids who do not, and even The One Upstairs. I mean, come on, skipping shul is not as insulting as showing up only to ignore the poor Guy.

“But if we don’t force them to go to davening,” teachers may ask, “then what will stop them from be-coming completely detached from God?” There is a simple solution: burqas. I know this may sound off-the-wall, but I assure you, it is a perfectly logical idea. Allow me to explain. The psychology behind ditching davening is fairly straight-forward: you do not want to seem servile. Prospective atheists think, “Who are they to tell me how and when I pray?” It’s about giving into the MAN. It is a question of honor.

Giving in to orders means a loss of power and respect. The obvious so-lution to this issue is to cover one’s entire body and face. Yes, men will also have to wear burqas. This way, fellow students will have no way of identifying that sucker who actually showed up to Mincha.

In addition to removing the shame that comes with sitting in a room quietly and meditating peace-fully for thirty minutes, burqas will also fix the talking issue, since let’s face it, there’s no way in heck you can speak while wearing a burqa

and hear anything but fuzzy mur-murs. And it removes most dis-tractions: no neon polo shirts, no disturbing haircuts, no strange fa-cial expressions, and no awkward moments when you’re wondering if that person next to you is really praying intensely or perhaps having a heart attack.

In summation, I don’t always daven, but when I do, I wear a burqa. Trust me, I had a revelation … in a cave … alone … on a moun-tain … outside my city … in private … alone. Trust me.

Continued from page 1

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The Culinary Corner

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f():(-#$aURUJune 2010Page 8

OpinionDon’t Read Spectrum:

More Useful Newspaper UseBy daniEl sCHwartz ’14

Over the course of our years at Maimonides, each one of us has read something from the student news-paper. At least one article. Or may-be one joke. OK, maybe one word. But, as we all can agree, Spectrum makes for pretty boring reading ma-terial. The topics are mundane, the writers are amateurs, and the edi-tors are completely unqualified and unskilled. The only time any of us regularly reads Spectrum is fresh out of the mailbox, during the ten-to-thirty second walk (depending on that month’s quality) to the recy-cling bin. I can attest to the fact that even the editors do not usually read the articles they receive. Yes, stu-dent body: the Spectrum pride that we editors flaunt is a farce. We do pretty much no work at all. With all this considered, one thing is clear: reading Spectrum is not very useful. Therefore, I propose three alternate ideas to make better use of our stu-dent newspaper.

One of the most obvious alter-nate uses for the thin sheets of pa-

per we call Spectrum is kindling a fire. As all students who have previ-ously burned Hebrew textbooks at the end of an academic year know, fire is fun. But fire is also very use-ful. Maimonides students may use Spectrum for one of the daily class-room bonfires, as Timmy and your friends decide to light desks ablaze instead of succumbing to hypother-mia from the cold air escaping the heating vents. Trust me, the fire spreads from a page of Spectrum onto your average plastic-coated plywood desk more quickly than the time it takes for the average student to start an article and decide it is not worth reading. The flammability of Spectrum may be made even more useful: any of the students who at-tend summer camp may stockpile the ten annual Spectrum issues and bring them to camp. A student who brings these newspapers to the camp overnight for mealtime-firepit usage is sure to make many friends.

Another bright usage for Spec-trum is a new sport I hereby coin “younglin’s-ear-blowing.” Regard-

less in which grade each of us is currently, we all can think of some annoying little pishers, a few years younger than us, who annoy us con-stantly. I think it is fair to say that these kids deserve a good, strong blow in their ear. Blowing in a foe’s ear is a perfect attack—usually not dangerous, not easily detected by “grown-ups” in the building, and extremely uncomfortable for the subject. Unfortunately, a human mouth cannot always produce a gust that is satisfactory, especially if the youngin’ that the blower has in mind has been more annoying than usual. But thank goodness for Spectrum! I have discovered that the twelve to twenty pages of paper, when rolled up and taped together, make an excellent amplifier for ear-blowing. Certainly, blowing into an irritating younger person’s ear is more entertaining and pragmatic than reading the text of Spectrum.

Perhaps the most original use of all, I would like to propose a third use for Spectrum: throw it down the toilet. Yes, folks, you read cor-

rectly. Use it as that ever-necessary staple, good old bathroom tissue. We all know that the school-pro-vided toilet paper is subpar: even on the good days when we find the roll is one-ply and not half-ply, the papery stuff leaves much to be de-sired. But never despair, faithful readers: Spectrum is printed on pre-mium, deluxe, soft paper from oak trees grown in local, organic Mas-sachusetts farms. Or something like that. Thus far, my brother, Mikey Schwartz ’19 has attempted to use Spectrum on the potty thrice, and twice he actually had to use less than the full number of pages! Who would believe the efficiency?

I think it is clear, folks: reading Spectrum sucks. I have outlined three alternate uses here, but I en-courage every one of you to think of and publicize three new Spectrum uses all by yourself. In just one day, think of how many new ideas we can think of! So go ahead. Make yourself and the school’s Spectrum budget useful. Stop reading, and start burning!

There is a Weed in the MachineBy austin EdElman ’15 &

saraH PomEranz ’15Every year at

Maimonides, the students come back to school to find that a few changes have been made to the campus over the summer. The most controversial change this year was the replace-ment of our old be-loved “junk food” machines with two “Healthy Vend” machines. This outraged the stu-dent body, and an outpouring of com-plaints followed the installation of the new machines. In other, potentially related news, two states have recently legalized recre-ational marijuana use. The combi-nation of marijuana and vending machines just makes sense. Putting marijuana in the vending machines is like taking pot from a baby. In

fact, if we were not under the influ-ence right now, we might wonder

why no one had implemented this idea sooner.

Mr. Brian Cohen-Middle School Director, whose name was legally changed as of January 2012, is a

man most well known for his “Strip the School of Candy and Joy Initia-

tive.” Logical reasoning suggests that Mr. Cohen-Middle School Di-rector would benefit greatly from supporting this campaign. It is time for Mr. Cohen-Middle School Di-

rector to face facts: since the vend-ing machine debacle of 2013, his

reputation has gone down the drain. Nothing could help him regain his old legal name of “For-merly Unknown, Currently Known Middle School Aw e - I n s p i r i n g Goatee Guy” as quickly as this.

The next step is as easy as giving pot to an overea-ger teenager. Mr. C o h e n - M . S . D . should support this idea because it is a foolproof way of making sure all stu-dents get their daily greens. Besides, the new vending machines would generate additional revenue to benefit

the community’s local economy: kids would eat way more hot nosh after a few moderately-priced joints.

Health is definitely a major issue at Maimonides. These days, kids

March 2014 / Adar II 5774

Continued on page 11

Maimo should have this kind of dispensary, only in vending machine form.

World News

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d/1E/'8(),`,June 2010 Page 9Page 9

OpinionMarch 2014 / Adar II 5774

Lunch Detention to the Shins!A Fight to the Death Between Rabbis Huff and Soskil

By CHaiEl sCHaFFEl ’15 &miCHaEl gErBEr ’17

The two Jewish Maimonides ad-ministrative heavyweights, Rabbi Huff and Rabbi Soskil, tend to agree on many matters. Indeed, few have ever seen the two argue, or even raise their voices to one anoth-er. However, those select few who have seen a con-flict between the two can testify that it is a sight to behold. Fire rains from the heavens, and children hide behind their mothers, far too terrified to face the scathing—yet surprisingly polite—infer-no of medio-cre puns and gentle put-downs. Have you ever wondered, though, who would win a fight in real life? Follow me, dear readers, as I strap gloves to these mild giants, and wildly speculate who would win in an actual boxing match: Rabbi Huff, or Rabbi Soskil.

Rabbi Huff, the assistant princi-pal of Middle and Upper School, would put up a good fight. Before we get started on that, though, a few words of introduction. His official, “tax-paying” occupation is that of a humble Assistant Principal, but his real job takes place at night, in the dark alleyways and grungy, crime-filled street corners of Sha-ron, Massachusetts. Though many remain oblivious, our esteemed As-sistant Principal is secretly Batman. Only a few seniors are privy to the secret passage in his office leading to the Batcave, which explains why people can never find Huff/Batman when they need him.

There is widespread speculation that Huff/Batman—from here on referred to as Huffman—possesses a supercomputer in the Batcave that helps him keep track of all the students who are late for davening or ditching class. I bet you will not ditch now, will you?

Many ask where Huffman earned

his fortune, as well as the power to leap tall buildings in a single bound. In actuality, Huffman lacks any such jumping prowess. That ability belongs to General Studies Principal Judy Boroschek, better known by her alias, Superschek. In

any event, Huffman earned his for-tune during his youth, using his in-credible knowledge of professional football to win successive years of fantasy football. He eventually stockpiled his fortune into a vast treasury of gold bars and vials of his opponents’ tears.

While Rabbi Huff’s status as the Huffman is intriguing, Rabbi Sos-kil, underneath his gushy exterior, is the Terminator—or rather, the Sos-kilator. The Soskilator, half human and half administrator, was raised by Terminator parents from the age of three. This unique upbringing explains why he always puts on a smile every morning while strolling the hallways. A fresh charge of bat-teries can put any Terministrator in a good mood. His insistence on get-ting everyone to davening on time only adds to the proof that Soskila-tor feeds solely on the tears of stu-dents davening with kavana.

The crack of the Soskilator’s stinging whips can often be heard as he drives the last remaining strag-glers into davening like lost heads of cattle. “Do I like this part of my job? I think that everyone should be grateful for what they have, and fur-thermore, even though others may have other opinions than me, I think

the ideas they express are totally valid and I respect them completely. That being said, they are morons.” said Soskilator in an uncharacteris-tically ambiguous statement.

Enough with the introductions, and onto the real reason why we are

here: we were promised food! But also, the fight. His cyborg-like na-ture ensures that Rabbi Soskil has distinct advantages in terms of brute strength. Rabbi Soskil has the sheer power to lift five Torahs at once, but he does not want to show off, so he has the weak, puny students lift one Sefer at a time.

On the other hand, although the Soskilator may have super strength, Huffman is wealthy and cunning, and … he is Huffman! Huffman would use his calming guitar melo-dies to try and lull Soskilator into a peaceful pre-Shabbat nap. Of course, the Soskilator is no fool. He would go back in time and bring Abaye’s brain into this fight, suc-cessfully avoiding the pure emo-tional distress of Huffman’s pat-ented Disapproving Mid-Davening Gaze. It is up to Huffman’s trusty side kick, Mr. Brian Cohen Middle School Director, better known as the “Green Goatee,” to come and save the day in his tighty-greenies.

Soskilator would use his classic BeardForce attack, while Huffman would counter with a swift lunch detention to the shins. At the end of the day, these two forces of admin-istration would appear to be evenly matched, until …

DR. HALPERN SWOOPS IN FROM THE GREAT BEYOND AND VANQUISHES EVERY-ONE.

Despite his calm, congenial exte-rior and generally mellow ways, un-derneath it all Dr. Halpern is a force

of nature to be feared above all else in this mortal world. You see, Dr. Halpern is the Comman-do (Arnold Schwarzeneg-ger), Robo-cop, and Op-timus Prime. This has made him notorious in certain cir-cles, as many have dubbed him with the moniker Dr. Commando-cop Prime.

Dr. Com-m a n d o c o p Prime has

missiles, bazookas, and lasers that sprout from his back on command, along with flaming angel wings in-stalled by God’s chief mechanic and approved by the Queen of England. The mythology of Dr. Commando-cop Prime has been completely sub-stantiated and is entirely true. He has double the combined strength of the Soskilator and the Huffman, and is able to lift both Saval and Brener campuses with all current students inside. Aside from shooting tongues of flame from his eyeballs and rid-ing his pet dragoncopter to school, Dr. Commandocop Prime’s hobbies include giving warm smiles to his students, volunteering at his local homeless shelter, and utterly con-suming his opponents in waves of fiery death.

At the end of the day, neither Huffman nor Soskilator would win this match. Dr. Halpern’s fearsome biology tests and pocket-sized death ray will always prevail. Happy Pu-rim to all, and hail Dr. Commando-cop Prime.

Who would win?!?

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f():(-#$aURUJune 2010Page 10 March 2014 / Adar II 5774

OpinionThe Baritone of Success

Why Morgan Freeman should Voice the Morning AnnouncementsBy CHarliE KramEr ’17

Morgan Freeman. Yes, I know you read that in his voice, but imag-ine this: the living legend mak-ing the morning announcements at Maimonides School in that same baritone. I invite you all to continue reading in this same voice. In Dav-ening, all announcements pertain-ing to Yachad, varsity sports, or dismal davening atten-dance would be brought to us in the smooth, luscious voice of the one and only Morgan Freeman. Moreover, any an-nouncement Mrs. Rothman had voiced on the intercom should now be spoken by the five-time Oscar nominee.

First, Morgan Freeman should voice all of the morn-ing announcements because of the diversity he brings to the school. Said one Freshman, ”How many other 76 year-old African-American men work at Maimonides?”

Second, Freeman will not only blanket our fears with his smooth tone, but also provide our school with someone al-most as cool as Dr. Jerald “DJ Halp” Halpern, though I would take Freeman over Halpern in a boxing match. Furthermore, his incompa-rable pronunciation skills would make sure that students such as Rod Blagojevich and Kareem Abdul-

Jabbar make it to the office with their names pronounced correctly. His lengthy frame, standing at six foot two, will help double the av-erage height of our varsity basket-ball team. Finally, Morgan Freeman voicing Mrs. Rothman’s morning announcements will give students a reason to come into the main office

and while there, maybe remember to hand in their senior food orders so Eli Cohn does not have to keep pushing off the due date.

Freeman should also voice the announcements after davening and

maybe even give Rabbi Soskil’s Friday D’var Torah. For those who attend morning prayers, this would be a well-deserved reward for forty minutes of supplication before the Lord; the man who played God in “Evan Almighty” speaking to you after you prayed to God. Then, for those who do not attend davening,

this would be a great opportunity to be like Evan—listen to God and actually come to davening. Addi-tionally, after looking at Freeman give the announcements, perhaps students will aspire to dress like the

actor and put on a collared shirt. (Maybe.)

Finally, the only thing better than Rabbi Soskil giving a Dvar Torah is Morgan Freeman narrating the parsha, pasuk by pasuk. Rumor has it that after a lengthy debate with God, Freeman won exclusive rights to be the sole non-jew who can lein

from the torah. His silky voice would echo throughout the shul, boosting Monday and Thursday attendance rates by an estimated 47,000%.

To conclude, Morgan Free-man would be a great addition to our school, improving dav-ening attendance, dress code observance, and diversity, as well as providing an equal for Supreme-Chancellor Jerald Halpern. He will help us in every area of our school, all while just making announce-ments!

Like any geriatric, Freeman is probably up bright and ear-ly in the morning, so he will never be late for his job. After all, if a man has enough confi-dence to say, “Is there a movie I think I should have won the

Oscar for? Yeah. All of them,” he can deal with the raucous mobs of children in the Maimonides hall-ways.

The Benefits of the Safety DeskBy aKiva JaCoBs ’17

In 1892, Harold T. Gitt invented the “Chair-Desk,” a combination in which a chair is attached to a desk by a metal bar. The purpose of this invention was not only to prevent the separation of the student in the chair with his or her desk, but also to make sure that the student does not fall over by mistake when lean-ing to one side. One half of the Mai-monides desks are “Chair-Desk” style. I believe that this number is not enough. In the interest of the safety of the Maimonides student body, I propose that we throw out all of our loose chairs, desks, “in-complete Chair-Desks,” and even complete “Chair-Desks,” and in-vest in buying the “Safety Desk,” a desk in which all possible points of exit are completely covered by

bulletproof glass. The only way in and out is with an eight-digit code entered twice, followed by voice activation and a retina scanner.

Nine hundred people die, and over twelve hundred are injured ev-ery week from accidents involving falling out of chairs and desks, ac-cording to a scientific survey. Not one person has ever fallen out of the Safety Desk.

Not only is the Safety Desk the safest desk in the world, but it is also the most eco-friendly. Unlike the bullet proof glass used in the riot shields of American police forces, the Safety Desk’s bulletproof glass is organically glass blown by hu-man beings, not by bulky, pollu-tion-inducing machines. Buying a Safety Desk instead of a “regular” desk will make the world .0001%

less polluted. Think of how much less polluted the world would be if 10,000 Safety Desks were bought every year.

When asked to invest in buying Safety Desks for the school, Mervin Alge responded, “The amount of money that Maimonides loses in lawsuits from children falling out of their chairs is not close to as much money as it would cost to buy even one safety desk.” True, only one Maimonides student has ever been significantly injured in a desk-fall-ing incident, but that incident cost Maimonides dozens of dollars to bribe the student into not suing. If more people fell out of their desks every day at Maimonides, then the P.T.A would be forced to buy Safe-ty Desks not only for the safety of their students, but in the interest of

not going bankrupt from lawsuits.Theses desks are eco-friendly,

safe, and in the long run will save Maimonides money; so why have we not already replaced all of our desks with them? The answer is that not enough people are injured every year from “desk attacks.” If the number of yearly injuries from desks decreases by sixty percent, Maimonides will gain 847 dollars in the next 300 years! Think of what 847 dollars can buy! More candy to be given out in Rabbi Rosenbaum’s class, more navy blue kippahs with red M’s on them than ever before, and if we are lucky, soap and air freshener in the freshman hallway’s bathroom. So go out, have fun, and break a leg!

Could you really resist this voice? We don’t think so.

World News

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d/1E/'8(),`,June 2010 Page 11Page 11March 2014 / Adar II 5774

OpinionPing Pong Should be a Varsity Sport

By Jordan CoHEn ’16One might think an activity that

stresses the importance of skill, good reflexes, fast-paced play, and speed would be a varsity sport. Ping-pong, however, which in-cludes all these characteristics, remains just a pastime that peo-ple play casually during their free periods. Many people think that ping-pong is just a “game,” but that view cannot be further from the truth. Yes, ping-pong can be played casually among low-level ping-pong players. However, at a high level, like in the Olympics, ping-pong is a real sport played by profes-sional athletes.

All professional ping-pong players are in tiptop shape with toned thigh muscles, since they continuously run the width of the table back and forth through-out the match. Additionally, to hit a good ping-pong shot at an advanced level, you have to move your whole body, which can be ex-hausting after a long rally. There is a reason why skilled ping-pong players sometimes need to towel off after every six points. Senior Josh Jacobson commented while playing ping-pong, “You surprisingly sweat a ton while playing ping-pong.” Playing and practicing ping-pong

should provide more than enough exercise to give a gym exemption.

Unlike every varsity sport in Maimonides, where the fastest, tall-

est, and most athletic people excel, students can do well in ping-pong by simply practicing. Since Mai-monides is a small school with a small selection of rather small ath-letes, our varsity teams sometimes get destroyed in state tournaments against bigger schools. This is be-cause other schools have a bigger pool of potential athletes to choose

from. If ping-pong becomes a var-sity sport, Maimo as a school would have the chance to dominate against bigger schools, since ping-pong is

almost one hundred percent skill based. Moreover, unlike other var-sity sports at Maimonides, there is a low chance of getting injured in ping-pong.

The last reason why ping-pong should be a varsity sport is that ping-pong has become wildly popular in recent weeks. The recent ping-pong fanaticism sweeping through Mai-

monides is unprecedented, and will likely stick around for quite some time. At almost any time of day in the student lounge at Maimo, stu-

dents will crowd around the ping-pong table hoping for a chance to play.

Also recently, the seniors set up a ping-pong tournament based on March Madness, and it has been a smashing success. Students of all ages have filled out tournament brackets, and the Maimonides seniors have successfully given the ping-pong matches a college bas-ketball atmosphere by starting chants and blasting motiva-tional rap music. Even some teachers have been swept up by ping-pong’s recent surge in popularity and have joined the school ping-pong tournament.

Ping-pong is a fun sport where almost anybody can just join a game and have fun, with-

out a lot of prior experience. There is no better feeling than smoking a Ping-Pong ball down the line for a winner. Not only does ping-pong meet varsity sport requirements, with the exercise involved in ping-pong matches, but it is also popular. With enough diligence and practice, anyone can be good; all it takes is practice.

YK44 plays ping pong in the Maimo lounge.

Install a Marijuana Vending Machineseem to be putting the worst things in their bodies. Marijuana is the an-swer, with no cholesterol, zero sodi-um, and loads of protein. When an anonymous upper school vice prin-cipal was questioned, he shouted, “Maimo, like, wake up dudes! Back when my varsity team won the YU tournament, our motto was like … ‘A bag of weed, a bag of weed … everything ….’ Oh, I … um … for-got the rest.”

The location of the current vend-ing machines is already perfect for the new vending dispensaries. Up-stairs, the location sits right next the humanities office, which is conve-nient for those teachers who need sweet relief from grading essays. The machines will also sit across from the Jam Room. It is well known that dope produces amaz-ing music—just ask Bob Marley,

the original Jam Master. Addition-ally, the vending machines share a room with the microwaves, so wave goodbye to the annoying fumes of burnt popcorn and welcome in the overpowering smell of delicious maryjane.

The future machine will also be near the entrance to the courtyard, which will provide easier access for the intramural football league. It is no coincidence that both teams that played in this year’s Super Bowl were from states that had legalized pot. Clearly, there are some athletic advantages, and Maimonides could use as much help as we can get in that regard.

In the middle-school, the dis-pensary machines would replace the current vending machines. No longer will any high-schoolers need to die of Axe Body-Spray inhala-

tion in the narrow, trash-strewn al-ley the 8th graders like to call their “Hallway.” Instead, Upperclassmen would get a delightful whiff of dope on their way to the gym. Remem-ber, kids: Axe is NOT a SHOWER IN A CAN.

When it comes down to it, put-ting marijuana in the vending ma-chines would help Maimonides achieve its major goals. As a Jew-ish high school, the school has sev-eral jobs—to keep as many kids religious as possible, to keep its stu-dents safe, and to assist its students in the learning process. On the Jewish front, weed is one hundred percent kosher and would assist students in asking deep and mean-ingful questions. Moreover, Maimo would gain many more new stu-dents, since the new machines will give us a step up on our archrival,

Gann, where the drugs are distrib-uted from student lockers.

Having the machines on school property will give the administra-tion the comfort of knowing that their students are smoking in a safe environment. Parents would rest as-sured the weed is safe, not laced, and that the children are not getting involved with drug lords.

If none of the other facts con-vinced you then consider this; with all the revenue our school would make from the machines, Mai-monides tuition would drastically decrease. No more opposition left? That is what we thought. Maimo: if you do not like it, try it.

Continued from page 8

World News

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d/1E/'8(),`,June 2010 Page 12

Arts & EntertainmentOprah for President

By dEBBiE-lEE BasKir ’15Harpo Studios has announced

that Oprah Winfrey, an American talk show host, will be running for president in the 2016 election. As part of her campaign, Oprah will start a new talk show called “Vote Oprah for President,” and she en-courages everyone to tune in. The show will be airing at 4:00 am ev-ery morning, since Oprah is par-ticularly concerned with targeting America’s all-nighters.

The idea of sticking to tradition is a concept of the past. America has been breaking through bound-aries for the past several decades. In 1945, Jackie Robinson was the first black man to play in Major League Baseball and Alexander Graham Bell revolutionized the world as we know it when he invented the telephone in 1875, creating a com-pletely new way of communicating. If Oprah wins this election, she will become the first female president and only the second African Ameri-can president. Leave it to Oprah to start breaking more boundaries.

Oprah captured America’s atten-tion with her original style of inter-viewing, setting a precedent for all talk show hosts who came after her. Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, Ellen DeGeneres, Tyra Banks, and many other fa-mous talk show hosts today mimic Oprah’s style of questioning. If I had to sum it up in a couple words, I would call it “I-will-ask-you-a-deep-question-that-you-probably-don’t-want-to-answer-on-live-TV-but-I-don’t-care-because-it-makes-

me-look-bad” attitude. Oprah has had many famous figures on her show, including Michael Jackson in 1993 and current president Barack Obama in 2004. If that doesn’t make Oprah exceptional, she has also created her own book club and

magazine. The word “Oprah” is also syn-

onymous with the Chinese proverb, “the more questions, the better”. Oprah really embodies this proverb, as she constantly asks questions to those she is interviewing. Her ques-

tioning is sometimes called badger-ing, but no one criticizes too much, because it’s Oprah! In one instance, Oprah actually answered her own question because she loved hearing her own voice so much. She wanted to maximize the number of times

that the audience heard her.If she wins, Oprah will certainly

do an excellent job as president. She will serve as a role model for young girls who also want to become in-volved in politics and government, but are too scared to do so. In to-

day’s world, it is crucial for a fe-male figure to serve as a role model for young girls. There have been increasing reports on anti-feminist portrayals, such as having only men in the Old Spice commercials and the fact that the Geico gecko is male. If Oprah wins the presidency, she will prove to girls around the world that women are equal to men. Just like men, women are able to be successful to whatever they put their minds to, even if that involves being the Geico gecko.

As reported by the Esteban Julio Ricardo Times, Oprah’s main goal for America as president is to make sure that everyone talks about their feelings by asking a constant stream of questions. Instead of stating that you feel sad because schools are refusing to allow any more snow days, you would ask: “How do you feel about the fact that I feel sad that schools aren’t allowing any more snow days?”

When questioned about this pol-icy, Oprah answered in question form: “How do you feel about the fact that I know that everyone, espe-cially teenagers, loves talking about feelings? How do you feel about the fact that my method is a great way for everyone to express their feelings?” In response to a question asking why people couldn’t just make statements, Oprah whipped her hair back and forth a few times, and promptly walked away, clearly not wanting to answer the question.

Vote Oprah Winfrey 2016!

Chobani Scandalletes and even among athletes from other participating countries. Amer-ican athletes wanted their Greek yogurt, and they were furious with Russia. Some Canadians took posi-tions in defense of Chobani yogurt and the American athletes. When questioned, Meryl Davis and Charlie White, ice dancers and cap-tains of the U.S figure skating team, mentioned that the Americans were going to find a way to smuggle the Chobani yogurts in. Rumors flew around that the gold medal favor-ites for ice dance might even throw the competition in protest. Some members of Team USA have al-ready started enacting this plan. Snowboarder and gold medal favor-

ite Shaun White fell twice, putting him out of contention. Top medal contenders Bode Miller and Shani Davis also finished well off the po-dium, making it clear that they pur-posely threw the competition. Other countries have noticed this protest and stand behind the United States. “We admire their willingness to stand up against these Russian yo-gurt policies and sacrifice their pride for Team USA, Chobani and America,” stated one anonymous source. Still, the American athletes were not satisfied. They did not have their Chobani yet, and there was only one solution: smuggle it in. After some careful planning, Cho-

bani was secretly smuggled into the Olympic Village. The American athletes, however, proved incapable of keeping their Chobani secret. Pictures of athletes eating Chobani were posted on the Internet, includ-ing on Chobani’s homepage. Rus-sian athletes were able to smell the yogurt, and reported Team USA to Olympic officials. In a press release, a member of the Olympic committee stated: “We admire America’s enthusiasm and persistence. However, they have taken this too far. By going against the wishes of other athletes, they have destroyed the spirit of the Games, and ruined the Olympic ex-perience for other athletes. For this

reason, the Olympic Committee has decided to remove Team USA from the Winter Olympics in Sochi.” Soon after this press conference, the American team went home with a total of nine medals. However, they were all satisfied that they went down fighting for a cause that they believed in. President Obama said: “Team USA stood up against Rus-sia for what they believed in. This successful effort to supply Team USA with the yogurt they had been denied should not be forgotten. It shows true American spirit, defend-ing both the Chobani yogurt com-pany and the values of the United States of America.”

Continued from page 1

Youuu get invaded! And youuu get invaded! Everybody gets invaded!

March 2014 / Adar II 5774

World News

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d/1E/'8(),`,June 2010 Page 13

Arts & EntertainmentJoey’s Wild World of Sports

Celtics Complete Blockbuster TradeBy JosEPH solomont ’14

At the beginning of this bas-ketball season, it looked like the Boston Celtics had no chance at a championship run in 2014. But the Celtics have turned everything around by completing a blockbust-er trade with the Oklahoma City Thunder. Reports state that the Celt-ics will receive players Kevin Du-rant, Russell Westbrook and Serge Ibaka from Oklahoma City. Boston will be sending Gerald Wallace, Phil Pressey, and Joel Anthony to the Thunder in return.

The three players the Celtics had to give up are tremendous ath-letes, but it was time for the Celt-ics to move on to a new team struc-ture. They needed more talent in their roster, and this trade certainly seems to give the Celtics an extra

advantage. Although the Celtics are giving up a lot, they seem to get the better end of this deal, receiv-ing three all-stars. In all likelihood, a few months from now, you will not even remember the players the Celtics gave up in this trade.

Let us take a look at the Celtics potential with their new lineup. I think head coach Brad Stevens will start Russell Westbrook at shoot-ing guard, leaving Rajon Rondo at the point guard position, where he plays best. With this arrangement, the backcourt will have to work out some kinks offensively. Both play-ers will have to get used to playing without having much time with the ball, but by the playoffs, they should figure it out.

On the upside, trying to guard both Rajon Rondo and Russell

Westbrook will be a nightmare for opposing teams, because Rondo and Westbrook can penetrate into the lane so well. This backcourt will also be a deadly tandem on defense, since both are stellar defensive players. Expect opposing teams to have a lot of turnovers when play-ing against Boston.

The addition of Serge Ibaka will bolster the Celtics’ front line. With him at the five and Jared Sullinger at the four, the Celtics will have a perfect balance of outside shooting, rebounding, and paint protection. Ibaka is on the rise as one of the best big men in the National Bas-ketball Association, and he is sure to give Boston rival Miami Heat a lot of problems.

The main piece of this trade is Kevin Durant. Durant is arguably

the best player in the NBA, and his presence immediately makes the Boston Celtics championship con-tenders. Durant can do it all, but his ability to score sets him apart from everyone in the league. Look for Rondo’s penetration to give Durant a lot of wide-open shots, and Durant will also be creating his own shots.

This new starting lineup for the Celtics, featuring Rondo, West-brook, Durant, Sullinger, and Ibaka is now the best in the league. It is perfectly balanced, with the ability to score, rebound, and defend. No-body in the league will be able to match up to this Celtics team, and Boston will likely leave everyone else in the dust. Look for the Celtics to hoist the Larry O’Brien trophy in June.

Guide for Directing an Award-Winning MovieBy gaBriElla JaCoBson ’17

Recently, I was saddened to hear that there is no official movie-directing guide in publication. I know there a lot of people out there who have been inspired to direct a movie. Not just any movie, of course, but an award-winning, world-famous, feature-length, action-packed, suspenseful film. So this is a guide written especially to help you get there. Follow these easy steps and your movie is sure to be a bigger hit than you even dreamed possible.

1. Don’t worry about the plot. Some people think that the plot is what really matters. Well, it is not. If

you are an indecisive person, thinking the whole plot through is going to take forever. Start right away and let the plot unfold and surprise you as you go along. If everyone ends up dying at the end because you did not know what else to do with them, you are headed in the right direction.

2. Hire a crew. You cannot take on this enormous project by yourself for a few simple

reasons. Firstly, you cannot hold the camera and that super cool black and white clapper thing that legitimate directors have, all at the same time. Secondly, you cannot possibly have expertise in every area of movie-mak-ing. And lastly, you are the director. You should get to relax! I mean, really. Did you sign on to this director job expecting to do any real work? If you hire a crew, there will be other people to hand your work off to.

3. Cast the right people.Make sure that the people you hire are not just friends who begged to

be in the film. You need actors and actresses who can carry the full load of your super-intense and amazing roles. However, the best casting jobs are the ones where the actor is the complete opposite of the role. This makes for the best movie watching experience, since viewers will find it both ironic and funny, and there will not be any confusion involved.

4. Stay dedicated. You have a vision. Do not let anyone get in the way of it. Make sure

your cast and crew understand that nobody else’s ideas are welcome when-ever you are around. You cannot let yourself become blinded by the influ-

ential thoughts of your co-workers. This is your movie, not their movie. Remember, what you have in your head is exactly what you want to see. Make sure to keep your expectations for yourself very high.

5. Keep what you know works. There are certain lines that are considered “classic movie lines.” You

might hear them called “clichés.” For example, how many times have you heard the line “it’s not you, it’s me” in a movie? Make sure to include plenty of those kinds of lines in your film. If they were successful in other movies, they can only add success to yours.

6. Be original when costuming. No one wants to see the “same old” clothing in an exciting film. Wake

your movie up with bright colors and funky outfits for your characters. Remember, people want to see something different. If they did not, they would just look outside instead of going to your movie. Go for something a little unorthodox.

7. Hire a psychiatrist.Throughout this entire process, you are going to need a lot of therapy.

There is almost as much drama going on while creating a movie as there is in the actual movie. Schedule weekly appointments with a professional to talk through the issues you may be having.

8. Make your movie a household name I already mentioned that you want your movie to be world-famous. But

if world-famous means more to you than just having your grandmother watching your movie, you have a lot of work to do. Your new mission is to be a director and a publicist. But do not post your movie on the inter-net, unless you want your brilliant idea to get stolen. Instead, send it to a producing studio that will (probably) accept your movie proposal. On the off-chance that your movie does not get accepted, don’t be discouraged. Try submitting it to a different studio. Never give up.

I cannot wait to see your movie hit the big screen. When it does, make sure to send a postcard (and, you know, maybe include me in the credits. After all, I did lead you on the path to fame and fortune.)

March 2014 / Adar II 5774

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f():(-#$aURUJune 2010Page 14

The Culinary CornerBy Barry rotH ’14

Have you ever had some delicious ice at a restaurant, and wish you could have it at home? Are you sick of bland, store-bought ice, and think that you could do better than the Duncan Hines ice mixes (just add water)? Then you’ll love my grandmother’s excellent ince recipe, sure to be a crowd pleaser.

Ingredients: water.

Directions: Make sure you have high-quality water with the proper hydrogen to oxygen ratio (2:1 according to top scien-tists). Place the water in an ice-cube tray, and put in oven for 20 minutes at 325 degrees. Once all the water has boiled, refill trays with more water and place in the freezer for 20-20.2 min-utes. Remove quickly so they don’t over-freeze. Serve in hot cocoa or in any other warm beverage.

Nutrition facts: Serving size: one (1) ice cube.Calories: 0.Calories from fat: 0.Carbohydrates: 0 g.Protein: 0 g.Sodium: 0 mg.

1. These next few jokes are going to be socheesy!

2. Russia really Putin a lot of work for these winter Olympics.

3. I’m no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet ;)

4. Alright, I’m already snowboard of these late Olympic puns.

5. One book told another “you look great! have you lost weight?” The other book responds, “thanks! I had my appendix removed!”

6. What’s Julia’s favorite part of calculus? Improper integrals ;)

I’m excited for Purim! Here are my costume ideas:

Einstein would be a relatively good costume.

I was gonna do hertz, but I think I may have done that one too frequently.

Or maybe Tesla? Too electrify the party!

Dressing as Neil would be a Bohr.

Hmm.. I’m being pulled towards being Newton.

I’ll give you all a call if I’m going as Bell!

Why didn’t Esther receive Mordechai’s e-mail, warning her about Ha-man’s plan to kill the Jews?

She had the Achash-virus on her computer.

speaking of purim:

Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeype-dia, and learned that if you drink too much of it, it’s likely tequilya.

What did the bartender say after Charles Dickinson ordered a martini? Olive or twist?

What do you get when you mix alcohol and English class? Tequila mock-ingbird.

What does an alcoholic ghost drink? BOO’S

Making your own hard liquor is a whiskey business.

And for your purim seudah:

Why did the banana go to the psychiatrist? Because it had a split personal-ity.

I have invented crockery that comes to me when I whistle. My cup runneth over.

Those who forget the pasta are condemned to reheat it.

The Fraternity member was hungry so he eta pi.

Even covered in salad dressing my lettuce looked bare, so I put some cloves on it.

I met a man who loves eating couches. I think he has a suite tooth.

Julia’s Jokes

January 2014 / Shvat 5774

You can read them if you want.

If you do, you must laugh.