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Linda Graham, MFT linda@lindagraham-mft.net www.lindagraham-mft.net Bouncing Back: Rewiring the Brain for Resilience and Well-Being Cape Cod Institute July 27-31, 2015 Slide 2 Linda Graham, MFT Marriage and Family Therapist 25 years Psychodynamic, Attachment, Trauma, Mindfulness, Neuroscience Bouncing Back: Rewiring Your Brain for Maximum Resilience and Well-Being 2013 Books for a Better life award 2014 Better Books for a Better World award linda@lindagraham-mft.net www.lindagraham-mft.net Slide 3 All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming. - Helen Keller Slide 4 Resilience Hardiness Grit, will to survive Determination, perseverance, endurance, follow-through Coping Face and deal with challenges and crises Navigate lifes twists and turns, unexpected and disruptive Bounce back from adversity, from truly awful Flexibility Responsiveness; able to shift gears: perspectives, views, behaviors You cant stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. - Jon Kabat-Zinn Slide 5 Response Flexibility It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent that survives. It is the one that is the most adaptive to change. - Charles Darwin Slide 6 Response Flexibility Between a stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom. The last of human freedoms is to choose ones attitude in any given set of circumstances. - Viktor Frankl, Austrian psychiatrist, survivor of Auschwitz Slide 7 Response Flexibility It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. - Alan Cohen Slide 8 Response Flexibility Catch the moment; make a choice - Janet Friedman Every moment has a choice; Every choice has an impact. - Julia Butterfly Hill Slide 9 Response Flexibility How you respond to the issueis the issue. - Frankie Perez, Momentous Institute Slide 10 Rewiring for Resilience and Well-Being Rewire brain out of stress-trauma-negativity- inner critic Recover resilience and resources stability and flexibility Choose new experiences; harness neuroplasticity Move to thriving and flourishing Slide 11 Slide 12 6 Cs of Coping Calm Compassion Clarity Connections to Resources Competence Courage Slide 13 Calm Manage disruptive emotions Tolerate distress Down-regulate stress to return to baseline equilibrium Slide 14 Slide 15 Compassion Being touched, moved by experience of pain and suffering Flow of kindness, tenderness, care and concern toward experiencer of pain and suffering Wise action to alleviate pain and suffering One cannot live with sighted eyes and feeling heart and not know the misery which affects the world. - Lorraine Hansberry Compassion is a verb. Thich Nhat Hanh Slide 16 Slide 17 Clarity Pause, become present Notice and name Step back, dis-entangle, reflect Shift perspectives; shift states Discern options Choose wisely let go of unwholesome, cultivate wholesome Slide 18 Slide 19 Connections to Resources Practices, Places, People Counter-balance brains negativity bias Strengthen inner secure base Access common humanity Increasing the social connections in our lives is probably the single easiest way to enhance our well-being. - Matthew Lieberman, UCLA Social: Why Our Brains are Wired to Connect Slide 20 Slide 21 Competence Embodied sense, Sure I can! From previous competence, no matter how small Ownership Empowerment and mastery from changing old coping strategies, learning new ones Embodying, I am somebody who CAN do this. You cant stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. - Jon Kabat-Zinn Slide 22 Slide 23 Courage Using signal anxiety as cue to: Try something new Take risks Move resilience beyond personal self Slide 24 Slide 25 Mastering the art of resilience does much more than restore you to who you once thought you were. Rather, you emerge from the experience transformed into a truer expression of who you were really meant to be. - Carol Orsborn Slide 26 Boundin Slide 27 Hand on the Heart Touch Deep breathing Positive Emotions Brakes on survival responses Restore coherent heart rate variability Oxytocin safety and trust Relationships as resources Slide 28 Affectionate Breathing Sit comfortably; breathe slowly and gently. Incline your awareness toward your breathing with tenderness and curiosity Let the body breathe itself; notice the natural nourishing and soothing of the body Feel the whole body breathe Allow the body to be gently rocked by the breath Savor the stillness and peace in the body Slide 29 Human Brain: Evolutionary Masterpiece 100 billion neurons Each neuron contains the entire human genome Neurons fire hundreds of time per second Neurons connect to 5,000-7,000 other neurons Trillions of synaptic connections As many connections in single cubic centimeter of brain tissue as stars in Milky Way galaxy Slide 30 Slide 31 Modern Neuroscience How neural structures/circuits develop How brain processes information; communicates within itself How brain learns/installs patterns of coping How brain rewires its memory patterns Slide 32 Modern Brain Science The field of neuroscience is so new, we must be comfortable not only venturing into the unknown but into error. - Richard Mendius, M.D. Slide 33 Neuroscience of Resilience Neuroscience technology is 20 years old Meditation improves attention and impulse control; shifts mood and perspective; promotes health Oxytocin can calm a panic attack in less than a minute Kindness and comfort, early on, protects against later stress, trauma, psychopathology Slide 34 Neuroplasticity Greatest discovery of modern neuroscience Growing new neurons Strengthening synaptic connections Myelinating pathways faster processing Creating and altering brain structure and circuitry Organizing and re-organizing functions of brain structures The brain changes itself - lifelong Slide 35 The brain is shaped by experience. And because we have a choice about what experiences we want to use to shape our brain, we have a responsibility to choose the experiences that will shape the brain toward the wise and the wholesome. - Richard J. Davidson, PhD Slide 36 Evolutionary legacy Genetic templates Family of origin conditioning Norms-expectations of culture-society Who we are and how we cope. is not our fault. - Paul Gilbert, The Compassionate Mind Slide 37 Given neuroplasticity And choices of self-directed neuroplasticity Who we are and how we cope is our responsibility - Paul Gilbert, The Compassionate Mind Slide 38 Attachment Styles - Secure Parenting is attuned, empathic, responsive, comforting, soothing, helpful Attachment develops safety and trust, and inner secure base Stable and flexible focus and functioning Open to learning inner secure base provides buffer against stress, trauma, and psychopathology Slide 39 Insecure-Avoidant Parenting is indifferent, neglectful, or critical, rejecting Attachment is avoidant of people and emotions, withdrawn, compulsively self-reliant Stable, but not flexible Focus on self or world, not others or emotions Rigid, defensive, not open to learning Neural cement Slide 40 Insecure-Anxious Parenting is inconsistent, unpredictable Attachment is clingy, needy, compulsive caregiving Flexible, but not stable Focus on other, not on self-world, Less able to retain learning Neural swamp Slide 41 Disorganized Parenting is frightening or abusive, or parent is checked out, not there Attachment is paralysis, fright without solution Lack of focus Moments of dissociation Compartmentalization of trauma Slide 42 Pre-Frontal Cortex Executive center of higher brain Evolved most recently makes us human Development kindled in relationships Matures the latest 25 years of age Evolutionary masterpiece CEO of resilience Slide 43 Functions of Pre-Frontal Cortex Regulate body and nervous system Quell fear response of amygdala Manage emotions Attunement felt sense of feelings Empathy making sense of expereince Insight and self-knowing Response flexibility Planning, decision making Slide 44 Slide 45 Intelligences Somatic:Body-based equilibrium Emotional: managing ones own emotions and empathizing with others; compassion Relational: connect, heal heartache, access resources, navigate peopled world Reflective: conscious awareness, mindfulness Slide 46 Slide 47 Mechanisms of Brain Change Conditioning New Conditioning Re-Conditioning De-Conditioning Slide 48 Conditioning Experience causes neurons to fire Repeated experiences, repeated neural firings Neurons that fire together wire together Strengthen synaptic connections Connections stabilize into neural pathways Without intervention, is what the brain does Conditioning is neutral, wires positive and negative Slide 49 Slide 50 New Conditioning Choose new experiences Gratitude practice, listening skills, focusing attention, self-compassion, self-acceptance Create new thoughts, affirmations Shift from negative to positive emotions Create new learning, new memory Encode new wiring Install new pattern of response, new habits, new ways of being Slide 51 Slide 52 Shift from Self-Critical Voice to Self-Compassionate Voice Loving awareness of breathing Let a moment of discomfort arise; notice where you feel in the body Notice any critical self-talk; notice the words; notice the tone of voice Use critical voice as cue to practice: May I be kind to myself in this moment; may I accept myself in this moment exactly as I am. Slide 53 Re-conditioning Memory de-consolidation re-consolidation Light up neural networks Juxtapose old negative with new positive Neurons fall apart, rewire New rewires old Slide 54 Slide 55 Re-Conditioning Resource with memory of someones compassion toward you Evoke compassion for your self Evoke memory of someone being critical of you (or inner critic) Hold awareness of criticizing moment and compassionate moment in dual awareness Drop the criticizing moment; rest in the compassionate moment. Slide 56 Modes of Processing Focused Attention Tasks and details Deliberate, guided change New conditioning and re-conditioning De-focused Attention Default network Mental play space random change De-conditioning Slide 57 De-Conditioning Default network De-focusing, loosens grip of attention Creates mental play space, free association Can drop into worry, rumination Can drop into plane of open possibilities Brain makes new links, associations New insights, aha!s new behaviors Slide 58 Slide 59 De-Conditioning Reverie, daydreams Imagination Guided visualizations Guided meditations Brain plays, makes own associations and links, connect dots in new ways Reflect on new insights Slide 60 Compassionate Friend Sit comfortably; hand on heart for loving awareness Imagine safe place Imagine warm, compassionate figure Compassionate Friend Sit-walk-talk with compassionate friend Discuss difficulties; listen for exactly what you need to hear from compassionate friend Receive object of remembrance from friend Reflect-savor intuitive wisdom Slide 61 Practices to Accelerate Brain Change Presence primes receptivity of brain Intention/choice activates plasticity Practice creates new pathways, new more resilient habits of coping Perseverance little and often installs change Slide 62 Presence To be present is far from trivial. It may be the hardest work in the world. And forget about the may be. It is the hardest work in the world at least to sustain presence. And the most important. - Jon Kabat-Zinn Slide 63 Intention And the day came when the risk it took To stay tight inside the bud Was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. - Anais Nin Slide 64 Perseverance How long should you try? Until. - Jim Rohn The difference between try and triumph is a little umph. author unknown The greatest oak was once a little nut that held its ground. Author unknown Slide 65 How to Replenish Human Brain Exercise-Movement Sleep - Rest Nutrition Laughter-Play Learn Something New Open Heart/Mind to Larger Perspective Hang Out with Healthy Brains Slide 66 Emerging Philosophy of Self Care Macro big tools, big practices Vacations, work out in gym, support group Micro small tools, small practices Take a nap, stretch your body, self- compassion break Slide 67 Slide 68 Exercise - Movement Macro cardio BDNF Yoga, qi gong move the energy Micro 3-minute better than nothing workout Move your body once every hour Sense and savor walk Slide 69 Slide 70 Sleep - Rest Macro 8 hours every night Housekeeping Reset nervous system Consolidate learning Sleep hygiene Micro Take mental breaks; switch the channel Take a nap Mini-meditate (10 breaths) Slide 71 Slide 72 Take Mental Breaks Focus on something else (positive is good) Talk to someone else (resonant is good) Move-walk somewhere else (nature is good) Every 90 minutes; avoid adrenal fatigue Slide 73 Slide 74 Nutrition Macro Eat healthy! More protein, more water, less sugar, less carbs, less calories, less caffeine/alcohol Micro Savor (eat a raisin meditation) Eat one meal a day without doing anything else Slide 75 Slide 76 Laughter Increases oxygen and blood flow, reduces risk of heart disease and stroke Releases endorphins bodys natural pain killer Reduces stress hormone cortisol, lowers blood pressure Triggers catecholamines, heightens alertness in brain Releases tension in body, balances nervous system Slide 77 Laughter Promotes work productivity Reduces stress Promotes creativity and problem-solving Reduces mistakes, increases efficiency Promotes group cohesion Promotes learning (through play) Eases loss, grief, trauma Slide 78 Laughter-Play Macro Have a good time at family/friends dinner/celebration Schedule a play date Schedule a silly date Micro Watch a 4-minute Happify Daily video Read two minutes of jokes Slide 79 Slide 80 Learn Something New Macro Speak a foreign language Play a musical instrument Juggle Play chess Micro Learn a new poem, quote, flower, bird each day Slide 81 Slide 82 Open Heart/Mind to Larger Perspective Macro Spiritual practice Altruism-generosity Service volunteer, career Micro Mindful Self-Compassion Mindfulness Self-Compassion Common Humanity Slide 83 Slide 84 Hang Out with Healthy Brains Macro Friendships, book clubs, bowling league, athletics, choir Practice gratitude at family dinners Micro Read 10 pages of a good book, magazine article, blog post Send the link of the above to a friend Send a text or email of gratitude, acknowledgement, appreciation to friend, co-worker Slide 85 Slide 86 Brain Care is Self Care Choose one practice of brain care Practice every day for 30 days Reflect on difference in functioning, in resilience and well-being, in sense of self Slide 87 Keep Calm and Carry On Serenity is not freedom from the storm but peace amidst the storm. - author unknown Slide 88 Slide 89 Regulate Stress Macro Change conditions causing stress Job, boss, get family member into therapy Micro Work with brain to Manage disruptive emotions Tolerate distress Down-regulate stress Slide 90 Window of Tolerance SNS explore, play, create, produce. OR Fight-flight-freeze Baseline physiological equilibrium Calm and relaxed, engaged and alert WINDOW OF TOLERANCE Relational and resilient Equanimity PNS inner peace, serenity. OR Numb out, collapse Slide 91 Slide 92 Hand on the Heart Touch oxytocin safety and trust Deep breathing parasympathetic Breathing ease into heart center Brakes on survival responses Coherent heart rate Being loved and cherished Oxytocin direct and immediate antidote to stress hormone cortisol Slide 93 Slide 94 Oxytocin Hormone of safety and trust, bonding and belonging, calm and connect Brains direct and immediate antidote to stress hormone cortisol Can pre-empt stress response altogether A single exposure to oxytocin can create a lifelong change in the brain. - Sue Carter, PhD Slide 95 Touch Hand on heart, hand on cheek Head rubs, foot rubs Massage back of neck Hold thumb as inner child Hugs 20 second full bodied Slide 96 Calm through the Body Hand on the Heart Safe, soothing touch Body Scan Progressive Muscle Relaxation Soles of the Feet Rewiring through Movement Power Posing Mindful Self-Compassion Slide 97 Calm Friendly Body Scan Awareness Breathing gently into tension Hello! and gratitude Release tension, reduce trauma Slide 98 Progressive Muscle Relaxation Body cannot be tense and relaxed at the same time Tense for 7 seconds, relax for 15 Focused attention calms the mind Slide 99 Affectionate Breathing Sit comfortably; breathe slowly and gently. Incline your awareness toward your breathing with tenderness and curiosity Let the body breathe itself; notice the natural nourishing and soothing of the body Feel the whole body breathe Allow the body to be gently rocked by the breath Savor the stillness and peace in the body Slide 100 Soles of the Feet Stand up; feel soles of feet on the floor Rock back and forth, rock side to side Make little circles with your knees Walk slowly; notice changes in sensations Offer gratitude to your feet that support your entire body, all day long Slide 101 Rewiring through Movement Body inhabits posture of difficult emotion (40 seconds Body moves into opposite posture (40 seconds) Body returns to first posture (20 seconds) Body returns to second posture (20 seconds) Body finds posture in the middle (30 seconds Reflect on experience Slide 102 Power Posing Amy Cuddy TED talk Before important meeting or interview: Stand tall and straight, like mountain pose in yoga Lift your arms in triumph or Place hands on hips (Wonder Woman) Slide 103 Slide 104 Mindfulness and Compassion Awareness of whats happening (and our reactions to whats happening) Acceptance of whats happening (and our reactions to whats happening) Two most powerful agents of brain change known to science; both foster response flexibility Rewiring that is safe, efficient, effective Slide 105 Mindfulness and Compassion Activate Caregiving System Mindfulness Focuses awareness on experience May I accept this moment, exactly as it is Self-Compassion Focuses kindness on experiencer May I accept myself exactly as I am in this moment Common Humanity I am not alone; I am not the only one Activates caregiving system Shift from reactivity and contraction to openness, engagement Slide 106 Mindful Self-Compassion Shifts Brain Functioning In the present moment restores equanimity Over time creates new patterns of behavior Becomes way of being natural, effortless Slide 107 Benefits of Self-Compassion Increased motivation; efforts to learn and grow Less fear of failure; greater likelihood to try again Taking responsibility for mistakes; apologies and forgiveness More resilience in coping with life stressors Less depression, anxiety, stress, avoidance Healthier relationships; more support and, less control and/or aggression Increased social connectedness, life satisfaction, and happiness Slide 108 Self-Compassion Break Notice moment of suffering Ouch! This hurts! This is painful. Soothing touch (hand on heart, cheek, hug) Kindness toward experiencer May I be kind to myself in this moment May I accept this moment exactly as it is May I accept myself in this moment exactly as I am May I give myself all the compassion I need to respond to this moment wisely Slide 109 Loving Kindness with Self-Compassion Sit comfortably, focus on gentle breathing, in and out Feel breath in entire body; let your body breathe you Breathe into areas of physical stress, discomfort Notice difficult emotions; incline awareness toward contraction or discomfort Self-compassion phrases: May I be. Your own phrases of kindness, tenderness, care Rest in stillness and peace in body Slide 110 One for Me; One for You Breathing in, nourishing, nourishing Breathing out, soothing, soothing In imagination, nourishing for me, nourishing for you, soothing for me, soothing for you One for me, one for you Practice breathing one for me, one for you when in conversation with someone Slide 111 Caregiving with Equanimity Everyone is on his or her own life journey. I am not the cause of this persons suffering, nor is it entirely within my power to make it go away, even if I wish I could. Moments like this are difficult to bear, Yet I may still try to help if I can. Slide 112 Compassion for Others Mindfulness of experience It is what it is Self-compassion I accept myself, exactly as I am Common humanity Just like me We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers, our actions run as causes and return to us as results. - Herman Melville Slide 113 If we could read the secret history of our enemies we should find in each mans life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow Slide 114 Altruism Generosity - Service In every community, there is work to be done. In every nation, there are wounds to heal. In every heart, there is the power to do it. - Marianne Williamson Slide 115 You dont need to do everything. Do what calls your heart; effective action comes from love. It is unstoppable, and it is enough. - Joanna Macy. Slide 116 Slide 117 Neuroscience is Revolutionizing Our Thinking about Feelings Negative Emotions Up Side of Your Dark Side Theres nothing wrong with you if you feel hurt, pain; its human; its what the brain does Mindful self-compassion Theres nothing you could do or say that would cause me to turn away from you Slide 118 Emotions Signals to take action Motivator of action Adaptive action tendencies Anger protest injustice, betrayal Sadness pull in comfort Fear move away from danger, toxicity Guilt healthy remorse, make amends Joy expand, connect with others Pathogenic affects: anxiety, shame Slide 119 Attachment-Based; Emotion-Focused Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) - Diana Fosha, individuals Emotion-Focused Therapy for Couples Sue Johnson; couples Dyadic Dynamic Psychotherapy Dan Hughes; families and children Slide 120 Resonance Circuit Resonance vibe, emotional contagion Attunement felt sense, explicit, non-verbal Empathy verbal, cognitive, coherent narrative Compassion concern, caring, help Acceptance pre-requisite for resilience and lasting change Slide 121 Empathy I hear you say. I see that you. I sense that you Im touched that you Rather than I think that you. Slide 122 Theory of Mind I know that you can be thinking and feeling something completely different from what Im thinking and feeling, and thats OK. Slide 123 Attunement-Empathy Intersubjectivity Emotional regulation matures the pre-frontal cortex which strengthens emotional regulation and impulse control and regulates the nervous system Slide 124 Positive Emotions-Behaviors Brain hard-wired to notice and remember negative and intense more than positive and subtle; how we survive as individuals and as a species Leads to tendency to avoid experience Positive emotions activate left shift, brain is more open to approaching experience, learning, and action Slide 125 Slide 126 Positive Emotions GratitudeAweGenerosity CompassionDelight Serenity Love Curiosity Kindness Joy Trust Slide 127 Positive Emotions Less stress, anxiety, depression, loneliness More friendships, social support, collaboration Shift in perspectives, more optimism More creativity, productivity Better health, better sleep Live on average 7-9 years longer Resilience is direct outcome Slide 128 A hundred times every day, I remind myself that my inner and outer life depend on the labors of other people, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving. - Albert Einstein Slide 129 Kindness is more important than wisdom, And the recognition of that is the beginning of wisdom. - Theodore Rubin Share-listen-reflect stories of kindness received Slide 130 Gratitude 2-minute free write Gratitude journal Gratitude buddy Carry love and appreciation in your wallet Slide 131 Take in the Good Notice: in the moment or in memory Enrich: the felt sense in the body Absorb: savor 10-20-30 seconds, felt sense in body Repeat: 6 times a day, install in long-term memory Slide 132 Circle of Support Call to mind people who have been supportive of you; who have had your back Currently, in the past, in imagination Imagine them gathered around you, or behind you, lending you their faith in you, and their strengths in coping Imagine your circle of support present with you as you face difficult people or situations Slide 133 Positivity Portfolio Ask 10 friends to send cards or e-mails expressing appreciation of you Assemble phrases on piece of paper Tape to bathroom mirror or computer monitor, carry in wallet or purse Read phrases 3 times a day for 30 days Savor and appreciate Slide 134 Slide 135 Emotional Intelligence Perceiving, identifying, managing ones own emotional landscape with openness and curiosity Regulating negative emotions Cultivating positive emotions Maintaining emotional vitality and equilibrium Recognizing others emotions, empathizing with emotional causes of behaviors Responding to ones own and others emotions skillfully and compassionately Slide 136 Competence Embodied sense, Sure I can! From previous competence, no matter how small Ownership Empowerment and mastery from changing old coping strategies, learning new ones Embodying, I am somebody who CAN do this. You cant stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. - Jon Kabat-Zinn Slide 137 As an irrigator guides water to his field, as an archer aims an arrow, as a carpenter carves wood, the wise shape their lives. - Buddha Slide 138 Learning Model Unconscious Incompetence Conscious Incompetence Conscious Competence Unconscious Competence Slide 139 Post-Traumatic Growth Acceptance of reality; create the new narrative Support from family; belief in recovery Community of the tribe Positive re-framing; positive meaning of negative event Helping others Appreciate new life because of catastrophe Slide 140 Coherent Narrative This is what happened. This is what I did. This has been the cost. This is what I learned. This is what I would do differently going forward. Slide 141 Find the Gift in the Mistake Regrettable Moment Teachable Moment Whats Right with this Wrong? Whats the Lesson? Whats the Cue to Act Differently? Find the Gift in the Mistake Slide 142 I am no longer afraid of storms, For I am learning how to sail my ship. - Louisa May Alcott Slide 143 Slide 144 Courage Its as wrong to deny the possible As it is to deny the problem. - Dennis Seleeby A ship is safe in harbor, but thats not what ships are for. - Grace Hopper Yes, risk-taking is inherently failure-prone. Otherwise, it would be called sure thing-taking - Tim McMahon Slide 145 Do One Scary Thing a Day Venture into New or Unknown Somatic marker of Uh, oh Dopamine disrupted Cross threshold into new Satisfaction, mastery Dopamine restored Be afraid notor be a frayed knot. Bev Stevens Slide 146 Slide 147 Intelligence of Integrated Self There is a natural and inviolable tendency in things to bloom into whatever they truly are in the core of their being. All we have to do is align ourselves with what wants to happen naturally and put in the effort that is our part in helping it happen. - David Richo Slide 148 Connections to Resources Practices Yoga, tai chi, meditation, prayer Places Sacred places; safe places People Resonant Social Slide 149 The Peace of Wild Things When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my childrens lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. - Wendell Berry Slide 150 This is what our brains are wired for: reaching out to and interacting with others. These are design features, not flaws. These social adaptations are central to making us the most successful species on earth. - Matthew Lieberman, PhD Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired To Connect Slide 151 Connections Increasing the social connections in our lives is probably the single easiest way to enhance our well-being. - Matthew Lieberman, UCLA The moment we cease to hold one another, the sea engulfs us and the light goes out. - James Baldwin Slide 152 People as Resources At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by the spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us. - Albert Schweitzer Slide 153 True Other to the True Self The roots of resilience are to be found in the felt sense of being held in the mind and heart of an empathic, attuned, and self-possessed other. - Diana Fosha, PhD To see and be seen: that is the question, and that is the answer. - Ken Benau, PhD Slide 154 Slide 155 Ah, the comfort, The inexpressible comfort Of feeling safe with a person. Having neither to weigh out thoughts Nor words, But pouring them all right out, just as they are, Chaff and grain together; Certain that a faithful hand Will take them and sift them; Keeping what is worth keeping and, With the breath of kindness, Blow the rest away. - Dinah Craik Slide 156 Slide 157 Deep Listening The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention.A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words. - Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D. Slide 158 Deep Listening Listener asks speaker the question. Speaker answers honestly. The speaker answers the repeating question for several rounds, deepening his/her understanding of his/her experience. Listener and speaker switch roles. Take a few moments to share reflections on the experience. Slide 159 Questions for Deep Listening What brings you joy in your life? What has brought you sorrow? What worries you now? When have you found courage in dark times? What are you grateful for? What are you proud of? Slide 160 Seeing Ourselves as Others See Us Imagine sitting across from someone who loves you unconditionally Imagine switching places with them; see yourself as they see you; feel why they love you and delight in you; take in the good Imagine being yourself again; taking in the love and affection coming to you; savor and absorb. Slide 161 Wiser Self Imagine yourself five years from now: wise, compassionate, good, strong, alive and vibrant Ask this Wiser Self: how did you become like this? What did you have to overcome or let go of to become like this? What one word of advice do you have for me? Inhabit this Wiser Self briefly; what does it feel like to become your Wiser Self? Slide 162 The Guest House - Rumi This being human is a guest-house. Every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, Some momentary awareness come As an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if theyre a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. Slide 163 He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond. - Rumi Slide 164 Welcome Them All Wiser Self welcomes to the party characters that embody positive and negative parts of the self with curiosity and acceptance of the message or gift of each part and honors each part of the inner committee Slide 165 The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change. - Carl Rogers Slide 166 Shame De-Rails Resilience Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging. Shame erodes the part of ourselves that believes we are capable of change. We cannot change and grow when we are in shame, and we cant use shame to change ourselves or others. - Brene Brown, PhD Slide 167 Love makes your soul crawl out of its hiding place. - Zora Neale Hurston Love guards the heart from the abyss. - Mozart Slide 168 Just that action of paying attention to ourselves, that I care enough about myself, that I am worthy enough to pay attention to, starts to unlock some of those deep beliefs of unworthiness at a deeper level in the brain. - Elisha Goldstein Slide 169 Reconditioning Memory de-consolidation re-consolidation Light up neural networks of problematic memory Cause neural networks to fall apart temporarily and instantly rewire by: Juxtaposing positive memory that directly contradicts or disconfirms; Focused attention on juxtaposition of both memories held in simultaneous dual awareness Causes the falling apart and the rewiring Slide 170 Reconditioning Anchor in present moment awareness Resource with acceptance and goodness Start with small negative memory Light up the networks Evoke positive memory that contradicts or disconfirms Simultaneous dual awareness (or toggle) Refresh and strengthen positive Let go of negative Rest in, savor positive Reflect on shifts in perspective Slide 171 Wished for Outcome Evoke memory of what did happen Imagine new behaviors, new players, new resolution Hold new outcome in awareness, strengthening and refreshing Notice shift in perspective of experience, of self Slide 172 Relational Intelligence Reaching out and asking for help Setting limits and boundaries Negotiating change Resolving conflicts Repairing ruptures Forgiveness http://lindagraham-mft.net/wp-content- uploads/2013/12/Relational-Intelligence.pdf Slide 173 Receiving/Reaching Out for Help Self-compassion for human vulnerability Identify behaviors, resources that would be helpful Ask for help (dont rely on mind-reading) Receive help; take in the good If help not available, seek other resources Slide 174 Setting Limits and Boundaries Permission to assert request without aggression or collapse; Dance of Anger Cultivate mindful empathy for self and other State values, needs, desires State the limit and consequences (When practicing, partner accepts limit) Slide 175 Negotiating Change Code to initiate dialogue; agreement to follow protocol Speaker states topic, then shares experience, progressing from perceptions of behaviors to emotional needs, fears, desires Listener listens; no debate, defense, rebuttal Summary of concern Slide 176 Negotiating Change, part 2 Speaker identifies three behaviors he/she is willing to do to address emotional needs Speaker identifies three behaviors partner can do to address emotional needs Each chooses one; must be specific, positive, within defined time frame Each acknowledges when other does the new behavior Slide 177 Resolving Conflicts Acknowledge conflict Identify possible misunderstandings, mis- perceptions Take responsibility for your part in conflict Convey your responsibility to other; ask them to reflect on their responsibility for their part Brainstorm possible solutions; come to agreement Slide 178 Repairing Ruptures Focus on repairing the relationship, not on right v. wrong Value of relationship, motivation to repair Mindful empathy for each other Share experiences, not opinions Convey understanding of experience, care for person Re-engage from more resonant space Slide 179 Forgiveness - I For the many ways that I have hurt and harmed myself, that I have betrayed or abandoned myself, out of fear, pain, and confusion, through action or inaction, in thought, word or deed, knowingly or unknowingly I extend a full and heartfelt forgiveness. I forgive myself. I forgive myself. Slide 180 Forgiveness - II For the ways that I have hurt and harmed you, have betrayed or abandoned you, caused you suffering, knowingly or unknowingly, out of my pain, fear, anger, and confusion I ask for your forgiveness, I ask for your forgiveness. Slide 181 Forgiveness - III For the many ways that others have hurt, wounded, or harmed me, out of fear, pain, confusion, and anger I have carried this pain in my heart long enough. To the extent that I am ready, I offer you forgiveness. To those who have caused me harm, I offer my forgiveness, I forgive you. Slide 182 Forgiveness is not an occasional act; It is a permanent attitude. -Martin Luther King, Jr. Slide 183 In every community, there is work to be done. In every nation, there are wounds to heal. In every heart, there is the power to do it. - Marianne Williamson Slide 184 Mindfulness Focused attention on present moment experience without judgment or resistance. - Jon Kabat-Zinn Slide 185 Mindfulness comes to the West Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction Mindful Schools Mindfulness in government Mindfulness in the military Mindfulness in business Mindfulness: cover story in Time magazine Slide 186 Mindfulness Pause, become present Notice and name Step back, dis-entangle, reflect Monitor and modify Shift perspectives; shift states Discern options Choose wisely let go of unwholesome, cultivate wholesome Slide 187 Notice and Name Increasingly complex objects of awareness: Sensations as sensations Emotions as emotions Cascades of emotions as cascades Thoughts as thoughts Patterns of thoughts as patterns States of mind as states of mind Identities, belief systems and identities as Mental contents, patterns of neural firing Awareness itself- a vast sky that clouds and storms pass through Slide 188 Slide 189 Affectionate Breathing Sit comfortably; breathe slowly and gently. Incline your awareness toward your breathing with tenderness and curiosity Let the body breathe itself; notice the natural nourishing and soothing of the body Feel the whole body breathe Allow the body to be gently rocked by the breath Savor the stillness and peace in the body Slide 190 Soles of the Feet Stand up; feel soles of feet on the floor Rock back and forth, rock side to side Make little circles with your knees Walk slowly; notice changes in sensations Offer gratitude to your feet that support your entire body, all day long Slide 191 Slide 192 Imagine walking down the street Notice someone you know walking toward you Wave hello! Theres no response. Notice your response to the lack of response The person notices you and waves hello! Notice your response to the response Notice any differences in your responses Slide 193 Slide 194 Autobiography in Five Short Chapters Portia Nelson I I walk down the street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk I fall in. I am lostI am helpless It isnt my fault. It takes me forever to find a way out. Slide 195 II I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I pretend I dont see it. I fall in again. I cant believe Im in the same place But, it isnt my fault. It still takes a long time to get out. Slide 196 III I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I see it is there. I still fall inits a habit My eyes are open, I know where I am. It is my fault. I get out immediately. Slide 197 IV I walk down the same street There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it. V I walk down another street. -Portia Nelson Slide 198 Mindfulness Dissolves the Stuff of Self Quantum physics investigates matter Matter is more space than stuff Mindfulness investigates I Self is not static or fixed; is ever-changing, ever-unfolding True Self is flow of beingness Slide 199 Breathing into Infinity Anchor awareness in your breathing, and in the awareness that lets you know youre breathing Expand awareness to include people near you, other people you know; people you dont know in this town, region, country, all over the planet all breathing, and the awareness that lets you know Expand awareness to include animals, plants, birds, fish. The earth itself: land, air, ocean all breathing, and the awareness that holds it all Return to awareness of your breathing, in this moment and place, and of your awareness Slide 200 Pre-Frontal Cortex Toggles back and forth between focused and defocused modes of processing Integration of two modes; integration of right and left hemispheres, integration of higher and lower brain Deeper brain functioning; brain itself more reslient Slide 201 Shifting Perspectives in Nature BELLY BOTANY Select a one square foot patch of earth. Observe patch from two feet away/above for two minutes. (light and shadow, movement and stillness, beauty and decay, life and death) Shift your view to the larger landscape, all the way to the horizon. Reflect on shift in perspective. Slide 202 Brahma Viharas Loving Kindness Compassion Sympathetic Joy Equanimity Send and receive wishes to and from your partner Slide 203 Then it was as if I suddenly saw the secret beauty of their hearts, the depths of their hearts where neither sin nor desire nor self-knowledge can reach, the core of their reality, the person that each one is in the eyes of the Divine. If only they could all see themselves as they really are. If only we could see each other that way all the time. There would be no more war, nor more hatred, no more cruelty, no more greed. I suppose the big problem would be that we would fall down and worship each other. Thomas Merton Slide 204 Linda Graham, MFT linda@lindagraham-mft.net www.lindagraham-mft.net Bouncing Back Rewiring the Brain for Resilience and Well-Being Cape Cod Institute July 27-31, 2015