A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

Paul and  Mary get married but  couldn't  afford a honeymoon - so they go back to Paul's Mom and Dad's house for their first night  together.   In  the morning  Johnny - Paul's little brother - gets up  and has his breakfast.   As he is going out of the door to go to school - he asks his mom  if Paul and Mary are  up yet.   She  replies -  No.   Johnny  asks -  Do you know what I think ?  His mom replies - I don't want to hear what you think ! just  go to school.Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom  - Are Paul and Mary up yet ? She  replies - No.Johnny says -  Do you know what  I think ?   His  mom replies -  Never mind what  you think  ! Eat  your lunch and go back  to school ....

After school -   Johnny comes home and asks again - Are Paul and Mary  up yet ? His  mom says -  No.    He  asks - Do you know what I think  ?   His  mom replies - Ok -  now tell me what you  think He says - Last night Paul came to my room  for the Vaseline and  I think.. I  gave him my airplane glue.

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are travelling in an old Fiat 500 when all of a sudden the car backfires and comes to a halt.

The mechanical engineer says "Ah! It's probably a problem with the valves, or the piston!".

The electrical engineer says "Nonsense! It's most probably a problem with the spark plugs or the battery!".

The software engineer says "How about we all get out of the car, and get back in again, It might work...".

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?''It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

The man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman. "No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of gold." She said she didn't believe him so she called the bar. "Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question: "Are your urinals covered in gold?" To which she heard the bartender said, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

‘Sixty is the worst age to be’, said the 60-year-old. 'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.' 'Ah, that's nothing ,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!' 'Actually,' said the 80-year-old 'Eighty is the worst age of all.' 'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year-old. 'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.' 'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?' 'No, I have one every morning at 6:30.' Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?' ^'I don't wake up until 7:00.'

A  little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I  born?'

The  father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out  anyway!Your Mom  and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a  date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We  sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download ad  from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that  neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit  the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:   

'You´ve  got Male!'

 A  married man was having an affair with  his secretary.

One day they went to  her place and made love all  afternoon..

Exhausted, they fell  asleep and woke up at 8  PM.

The man hurriedly  dressed and told his lover to take his  shoes outside and rub them in the grass  and dirt.

He put on his shoes and  drove home.

'Where have you been?'  his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to  you,' he replied,

'I'm having an  affair with my secretary. We had sex  all afternoon.'

She looked down at  his shoes and said:

'You lying  bastard! You've been playing  golf!'

A  middle-aged couple had two beautiful  daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got  pregnant and delivered a healthy baby  boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new  son.

He was horrified at the  ugliest child he had ever  seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no  way I can be the father of this  baby. Look at the two beautiful  daughters I fathered! Have you been  fooling around behind my back?'

The  wife smiled sweetly and replied: 'No,  not this time!'

A  man walked into a Cafe, went to the bar  and ordered a beer.

'Certainly,  Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One  Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He  glanced at the Menu and asked: 'How  much for a nice juicy steak and a  bottle of wine?'

'A Nickel,' the  barman replied.

'A Nickel?'  exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The Bartender  replied: 'Upstairs, with my  wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he  doing upstairs with your  wife?'

The Bartender  replied: 'The same thing I'm  doing to his business down here.'

A  woman was in bed with her lover when  she heard her husband opening the front  door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in  the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil  all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I  tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a  Statue.'

'What's this?' the husband  inquired as he entered the  room.

'Oh it's a Statue,' she  replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I  liked it so I got one for us,  too.'

No more was  said, not even when they went to  bed.

Around 2am the husband got  up, went to the kitchen and returned!   with a Sandwich and a  Beer.

'Here,' he said to the  statue, have this. I stood like that  for two days at the Smiths and nobody  offered me a damned  thing.'