The Journey ThroughHealing To Thriving

2013 CORE is about Thriving

We have been through disillusionment & sufferingWe have redirected our marriage through the Weekend and the Post SessionsNow we shift focus from where we’ve been to where we want to go

“Thriving”

“... prosper, grow vigorously, flourish ...”Not ‘peaceful coexistence,’ or “lived happily ever after on autopilot,’ but ...

‘continuously bring an abundance of what we value most into our relationship & family life.’

signs of thrivingFriendship with spouseEnjoyment of spouseGood sexMutual protectionMutual supportIntimacySpiritualityAntagonismBoredom with spouseSexual alienationInsecurity & disloyaltyEmotional abandoningEmotional alienationMoral erosion

High levels of: Low levels of:

2013 CORE Intent Share knowledge and skills that can do two things:

accelerate our transition to thriving, andwork reliably for everyone who is willing to do the

“5 yagaddas”• yagadda wanna• yagadda know how• yagadda use what you know• yagadda notice how well you are succeeding• yagadda be flexible & change until you get it right

yagadda wannaMotivation is a skill that we are each responsible for. (Incentives are merely

external inducements.)Fear motivators: negative but temporary, because we either get

used to it (& ‘blow it off’) or find ways to avoid what we fear.

Incentive motivators: positive but temporary, because we either need ‘more’ to stay motivated or we give up on earning the incentive. Further, many adults regard incentives as condescending.

Internal values motivators: positive or negative, and long-lasting. The kind that powers us forward to thriving.

yagadda Know howBe open to learn new ways of doing things that we have done differently for a long time.Discipline ourselves to follow the steps and do the work.Practice well. Practice only makes ‘permanent’; perfect practice makes ‘perfect.’

yagadda use what you learn

It’s true: use it or lose it.Usually this means that we have to both ‘take’ opportunities when they’re available, and ‘make’ opportunities when that’s needed.It’s OK to ‘have your head in the book’ until you have the book in your head. Follow the steps until they are second nature to you.

yagadda notice how you’re doing

Turn on your mental “self-observer”Notice both:

what outcomes you are getting, desired and notwhat actions & statements of yours those outcomes are related to

Adopt two attitudes to help you stay objective:The meaning of what I said or did is the result it gets from my spouse.

“It’s not you, it’s not me, it’s how we’re interacting.”

“I will change to a more useful way of doing this.”

yagadda be flexible & change

... if what you are doing is not working well.When you know more than one thing that can be done (no knowledge deficit), and .....when you know how to do more than one thing (no skill deficit),... then any barrier to changing what you’re doing is probably due to limits in your self-image’s “comfort zone.”

A distinction

“Limitations” means real-world limitations, such as ‘I can’t flap my arms and fly,’or a deficit in a skill set.

“Limits” means non-real-world, learned restrictions that I have accepted - the ‘flea jar’ idea.

Self image sets the limits of our “Comfort zone”

SelfImage

Expanded Self Image

“Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.”

Comfort Zone

We have a self-image for each important area of our life,and each may be in incompatible with the others.

The cover on the flea jar is the learned limits of our self-image.

Learned limits

How learned Limits work

When we are outside of our comfort zone, our brain gives us dis-comfort, or distress, signals until:

we move back into our comfort zone, or we learn to adapt constructively,regardless of whether or not our self-limits are rational or healthy.“Man is an animal that can get used to anything.” - Nietzsche

We also affect spouse’s self image

“Treat people as they are, and they remain that way.

Treat them as though they already were what they can be, and you help them become what they are capable of becoming.”

— Goethe

“That’s not like you; what’s going on?”versus “There you go again!”

So, the point is ...

... become really competent at the attitudes and behaviors that bring you what you value in life - and that usually means stepping outside of your comfort zone.

2013 CORE Intent Share knowledge and skills that:

accelerate our transition to thriving, andwork reliably for everyone who is willing to do the “5 yagaddas”• yagadda wanna• yagadda know how• yagadda use what you know• yagadda notice how well you are succeeding• yagadda be flexible & change until you get it right

The assumptions1. We’re all here to be an active ‘learning community’,

not passive viewers looking for “tips.”2. The presentations are to offer information; we’ll all

do most of the real work at home, with our spouse.3. Everyone will contribute - insights, experiences,

questions, ideas, feedback on the material, and sometimes even as voluntary participants in the presentation.

4. We’ll be informal.

The Five Tasks(See Handout)

1. Revive your ability to function safely2. Recover your trust, unity, caring, and

commitment3. Refocus your story4. Revitalize your life-dreams5. Re-create your life

They are not “steps” or “stages,” but a “hierarchy.”

Scriptural context

The married vocation: to grow to love each other as God loves us. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a great mystery, and I am applying it to Christ and the church.” (Eph. 5:31,32)

“For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.” (Jer. 29:11)

“... I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly.” (John 10:10)

What’s this journey like?

”It’s like trying to tie your shoes while you’re walking.” But couples who succeed in thriving learn to live with the awkwardness until it fades away.

“It’s like peeling an onion. Every layer opens up another layer, and you cry a lot.” But couples who persevere find themselves smiling as they look back at the layers of their work.

“Sometimes it’s three steps forward, and two steps back.” Couples who succeed learn that this is a normal process, and adjust their expectations accordingly.

“Second verse, same as the first, but sung better.” Couples who succeed understand that change often takes more time than they budgeted for it, and learn the value the efforts they are investing.

“If what you’re doing doesn’t work, don’t try harder, try smarter.” Successful couples learn new ways of looking at themselves and their life, new ideas about marriage, new skills of self-observation, and new communication skills.

homeworkTalk about “What would be signs of thriving in our marriage?”Begin a “Thriving Journal,” to capture your ideas on what thriving means for your marriage and family. (See Post on lansingcore.wordpress.com for details.)Use the “Readiness Scale” to talk about how willing you are to undertake the journey from healing to thriving.Discuss and dialog about self-image (see handout for examples).