Calibrating security

The circle of security approach

Material by Dr. Kent HoffmanPresented by Karen CowlingIntergrated-TherapyFamily Therapy. 2009

““We are We are hardwired for hardwired for relationship.” relationship.”

Where we are Where we are goinggoing

1.1. Our inborn need for Our inborn need for relationshiprelationship

2.2. Our hardwiring for Our hardwiring for securitysecurity

3.3. The nature of securityThe nature of security

4.4. The nature of insecurityThe nature of insecurity

5.5. Calibration, calibration, Calibration, calibration, calibrationcalibration

““Admit something: Admit something:  Everyone you see, you say to them,Everyone you see, you say to them,

LOVE ME!LOVE ME!

Of course you do not do this out loud;  Of course you do not do this out loud;  otherwise, someone would call the police.  otherwise, someone would call the police. 

Still though, think about this, Still though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect.  this great pull in us to connect. 

Hafiz (1319-1388 A.D.)Hafiz (1319-1388 A.D.)

““Holding Holding Environment” Environment” - Donald Winnicott, M.D.- Donald Winnicott, M.D.

““Being With”Being With”

Resonance with and attunement to the Resonance with and attunement to the emotional emotional experience of anotherexperience of another . .

We all need to We all need to know that we are know that we are held in the mind held in the mind and heart of and heart of another.another.

““As far as I can tell, most As far as I can tell, most people I know hardly listen at people I know hardly listen at all when I try to tell them all when I try to tell them something, but seem instead something, but seem instead just to be waiting till it’s time just to be waiting till it’s time for them to start talking for them to start talking again, and that always makes again, and that always makes me feel terribly lonely, as if me feel terribly lonely, as if the only one of us who cares the only one of us who cares about who I am and what I about who I am and what I think is me.”think is me.”

Frederick BuechnerFrederick Buechner Secrets in the DarkSecrets in the Dark

We'll do it all, everything on our own.We'll do it all, everything on our own.

We don't need anything or anyone.We don't need anything or anyone.

If I lay here, if I just lay hereIf I lay here, if I just lay hereWould you lie with me and just forget the Would you lie with me and just forget the world?world?I don't quite know how to say how I feelI don't quite know how to say how I feel

Those three words are said too much, they're Those three words are said too much, they're not enough.not enough.

If I lay here, if I just lay hereIf I lay here, if I just lay hereWould you lie with me and just forget the Would you lie with me and just forget the world?world?Forget what we're toldForget what we're toldBefore we get too oldBefore we get too old

Show me a garden that's bursting into life.Show me a garden that's bursting into life.

We are hardwired to be We are hardwired to be held in the mind and held in the mind and heart of another.heart of another.

““There is only one There is only one beautiful baby in beautiful baby in the world – and the world – and every parent has every parent has it.”it.”

- Chinese Proverb- Chinese Proverb

Calibration 101Calibration 101

Two primary requirements in the first year Two primary requirements in the first year of life:of life:

1. Delight 1. Delight

2. Being with 2. Being with

Young mother: “You mean, you Young mother: “You mean, you really want to be here? (Pause with really want to be here? (Pause with tears) It feel so good to know that tears) It feel so good to know that you WANT to be here with me.”you WANT to be here with me.”

Fondness. Tenderness. Delight. Focus Fondness. Tenderness. Delight. Focus is on the needs of the child/following is on the needs of the child/following the child’s need/taking cues from the the child’s need/taking cues from the child.child.

Hardwired Hardwired RequirementRequirement

““I’m here and you’re I’m here and you’re worth it.”worth it.”

Jude Cassidy, Ph.D. Jude Cassidy, Ph.D. University of MarylandUniversity of Maryland

Hardwired Hardwired RequirementRequirement

““You’re here You’re here and I’m and I’m worth it.”worth it.”

Being WithBeing With

At the heart of developing At the heart of developing a secure attachment is the a secure attachment is the knowledge that your knowledge that your caregiver is emotionally caregiver is emotionally available to “available to “be be withwith” ” you during times of you during times of need.need.

If there is one child focused If there is one child focused capacity that is missing capacity that is missing most in our fast paced most in our fast paced culture it is culture it is

“Being With.”

Only one swear word Only one swear word in my parentingin my parenting vocabulary . . .vocabulary . . .

““Being With”Being With”

““Don’t just do Don’t just do something, something, sit there.”sit there.”

Parent Pushing Child to Parent Pushing Child to Conform to Her/His NeedsConform to Her/His Needs

Parent

Baby

Mom

How does this feel to my baby?How does this feel to my baby?

How does this feel to my baby?How does this feel to my baby?

Not Being WithNot Being With

Bad feelings + Feeling Alone Bad feelings + Feeling Alone = = “I’m “I’m stuck here in this horrible stuck here in this horrible feeling with no one who gets feeling with no one who gets how terrible it feels.”how terrible it feels.”

If I’m in China, the If I’m in China, the only place you can only place you can really meet me is in really meet me is in China.China.

““Having someone here Having someone here with mewith me in this in this difficult feeling allows me a way out of difficult feeling allows me a way out of feeling bad.”feeling bad.”

““Please let me know you get what I’m Please let me know you get what I’m feeling and that you will wait here feeling and that you will wait here with mewith me until things change.” until things change.”

Have faith that you are in fact Have faith that you are in fact being very useful by giving being very useful by giving your baby an important gift: "I your baby an important gift: "I can't always make everything can't always make everything better, but I can be with you better, but I can be with you when you’re upset.” The baby when you’re upset.” The baby learns: “When I struggle, I learns: “When I struggle, I don’t have to struggle alone.”don’t have to struggle alone.”

Time-In 101Time-In 101

1.1. Please “get” what I’m feeling (Please Please “get” what I’m feeling (Please identify the distressing feeling – anger, identify the distressing feeling – anger, sadness, fear, etc.).sadness, fear, etc.).

2.2. Please share some of this feeling with Please share some of this feeling with me.me.

3.3. Together we can find a way out of this Together we can find a way out of this feeling. (And I will increasingly trust feeling. (And I will increasingly trust that good things follow bad things.)that good things follow bad things.)

4.4. Eventually I will be able to trust my own Eventually I will be able to trust my own ability to move through difficult feelings ability to move through difficult feelings on my own – knowing that you are always on my own – knowing that you are always right her in my memory offering your right her in my memory offering your strength, care, and support.strength, care, and support.

Being WithBeing With

At the heart of developing At the heart of developing a secure attachment is the a secure attachment is the knowledge that your knowledge that your caregiver is emotionally caregiver is emotionally available to “available to “be be withwith” ” you during times of you during times of need.need.

The Hidden Key to SecurityThe Hidden Key to Security

““Recognizing and “being Recognizing and “being with” a child’s needs.”with” a child’s needs.”

(Each need is a point of (Each need is a point of potential “being with” or not potential “being with” or not

“being with”)“being with”)

I need you to

I need you to

I need you to

I need you to

Support myExploration

•Watch over me•Delight in me•Help me•Enjoy with me

Welcome me coming to you

Protect me Protect me Comfort meComfort me Organize my Organize my feelings feelings Delight in meDelight in me

Circle of SecurityCircle of SecurityParent Attending to the Child’s NeedsParent Attending to the Child’s Needs

The Hidden Key to SecurityThe Hidden Key to Security

1.1. Tracking the 12 Needs on Tracking the 12 Needs on the Circle.the Circle.

2.2. ““Being with” each need as Being with” each need as it emerges it emerges (at least some of (at least some of

the time).the time).

From From “My child’s “My child’s behavior is random,” behavior is random,” to to “My child’s behavior “My child’s behavior always has meaning.”always has meaning.”

(Almost)(Almost)

Everything I Need to KnowEverything I Need to KnowAbout Enhancing SecurityAbout Enhancing Security

in in

25 Words or less25 Words or less• AlwaysAlways: be BIGGER, STRONGER, WISER, and KIND.: be BIGGER, STRONGER, WISER, and KIND.

• Whenever possibleWhenever possible: follow a child’s need.: follow a child’s need.

• Whenever necessaryWhenever necessary: take charge.: take charge.

Circle of SecurityCircle of Security

Top Top HalfHalf

Bottom HalfBottom Half

HandsHands

Protect me Protect me Comfort meComfort me Delight in meDelight in me Organize my Organize my feelingsfeelings

Circle of SecurityCircle of SecurityParent Attending to the Child’s NeedsParent Attending to the Child’s Needs

I I need need you you toto Support My Support My

ExplorationExploration

Welcome My Welcome My Coming To Coming To YouYou

I need I need you toyou to

Watch over meWatch over me Help meHelp me Enjoy with meEnjoy with me Delight in meDelight in me

I I need need you you toto

I I need need you you toto

SecuritySecurity

Mary Ainsworth, pioneer of attachment theory Mary Ainsworth, pioneer of attachment theory and the structured protocol and the structured protocol “The Strange Situation” commented that the “The Strange Situation” commented that the secure relationship is the secure relationship is the most calm, direct, most calm, direct, obvious, and straight forward.obvious, and straight forward.

It doesn’t take a lot of thinking to understand a It doesn’t take a lot of thinking to understand a secure relationship. A need is a need is a need, secure relationship. A need is a need is a need, and it can be openly expressed.and it can be openly expressed.

A DIFFERENCE THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCEA DIFFERENCE THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE

50 YEARS OF RESEARCH HAVE SHOWN THAT CHILDREN 50 YEARS OF RESEARCH HAVE SHOWN THAT CHILDREN THAT ARE MORE SECURELY ATTACHED :THAT ARE MORE SECURELY ATTACHED :

Enjoy more happiness with their parentsEnjoy more happiness with their parents Feel less anger at their parentsFeel less anger at their parents Get along better with friendsGet along better with friends Have stronger friendshipsHave stronger friendships Are able solve problems with friendsAre able solve problems with friends

Trust that good things will come their wayTrust that good things will come their way

Know that most problems will have an answer Know that most problems will have an answer

Trust the people they loveTrust the people they love Know how to be kind to those around themKnow how to be kind to those around them

Have better relationships with brothers and sistersHave better relationships with brothers and sisters Have higher self-esteemHave higher self-esteem

CueCue

A direct or indirect signal from the A direct or indirect signal from the child for a specific need on the Circle child for a specific need on the Circle

to be metto be met (“When I have a need anywhere on the Circle I can (“When I have a need anywhere on the Circle I can

make it known.”)make it known.”)

Insecurity Insecurity is the unresolved tension is the unresolved tension between between experiences of experiences of being withbeing with and and experiences of experiences of not being with.not being with.

COS focused psychotherapy has everything to COS focused psychotherapy has everything to

do with knowing and treating thisdo with knowing and treating this

tension between tension between regulated and regulated and unregulated feeling.unregulated feeling.

Said more directly: Said more directly:

Unregulated Unregulated AffectAffect

In COS work, we are always In COS work, we are always keeping our eye on the specific keeping our eye on the specific way in which the caregiver and way in which the caregiver and child are struggling withchild are struggling with

UNREGULATED UNREGULATED

AFFECTAFFECT

Unregulated/Unmet FeelingUnregulated/Unmet Feeling

““I feel all aloneI feel all alone without without anyone here to help me with anyone here to help me with these feelings that are too big these feelings that are too big for me on my own.” for me on my own.”

 

 For each of the core emotions (For each of the core emotions (anger, sadness, fear, joy, interest anger, sadness, fear, joy, interest and shameand shame) draw a circle. Place each circle either inside, outside, or ) draw a circle. Place each circle either inside, outside, or partially in/outside the Circle of Security based upon:    Your partially in/outside the Circle of Security based upon:    Your experience as a child – how much was each emotion allowed to be a experience as a child – how much was each emotion allowed to be a part of your relationship with your primary parent.part of your relationship with your primary parent.

   

Circle of Circle of SecuritySecurity

 

Mutual Regulation of EmotionsMutual Regulation of Emotions

  MiscueMiscue

A misleading or contradictory cue A misleading or contradictory cue used to protect the child from the pain used to protect the child from the pain of having a specific need on the Circle of having a specific need on the Circle

exposed and/or unmetexposed and/or unmet

(“When I have a need at certain points on the (“When I have a need at certain points on the Circle it doesn’t feel comfortable making it Circle it doesn’t feel comfortable making it directly known. So I’ll express that need in directly known. So I’ll express that need in

another, less obvious way.”)another, less obvious way.”)

CIRCLE OF LIMITED SECURITYCIRCLE OF LIMITED SECURITYChild Miscuing: Attending to the Parent’s NeedsChild Miscuing: Attending to the Parent’s Needs

I NEED YOU TO I NEED YOU TO WELCOME MY WELCOME MY COMING TO YOU COMING TO YOU

BUT… BUT…

““YOU” YOU” turns intoturns into““US”US”which turns intowhich turns into““ME”ME”

A miscue is a misleading or A miscue is a misleading or contradictory cue used to contradictory cue used to protect the child from the protect the child from the pain of having a specific need pain of having a specific need exposed and/or unmet.exposed and/or unmet.

A cue is direct or indirect A cue is direct or indirect signal from the child for a signal from the child for a specific need to be met. specific need to be met.

CIRCLE OF LIMITED SECURITYCIRCLE OF LIMITED SECURITYChild Miscuing: Attending to the Parent’s NeedsChild Miscuing: Attending to the Parent’s Needs

I NEED SUPPORT I NEED SUPPORT FOR FOR EXPLORATION EXPLORATION BUT…BUT…

Emotional States Emotional States Become TraitsBecome Traits

I HAVE TO I HAVE TO STAY CLOSE*STAY CLOSE*

I NEED TO BE I NEED TO BE DISTANT*DISTANT*

* Chronic dependency upon another* Chronic dependency upon another

* Chronic self-sufficiency* Chronic self-sufficiency

Heart Rate of Children During the Heart Rate of Children During the Strange SituationStrange Situation

Sroufe & Waters (1997). Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, 23, 3-27.Sroufe & Waters (1997). Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, 23, 3-27.

All infants showed elevated heart rate during All infants showed elevated heart rate during separationseparation

Secure infant’s heart rate recovered on average in Secure infant’s heart rate recovered on average in about one minuteabout one minute

Ambivalent infants requested to be put down before Ambivalent infants requested to be put down before their heart rate recovered and reached to be held their heart rate recovered and reached to be held againagain

Avoidant infants had elevated heart rate long into the Avoidant infants had elevated heart rate long into the reunion while outwardly appearing to be unaffectedreunion while outwardly appearing to be unaffected

Disorganized AttachmentDisorganized Attachment

The irresolvable paradox that emerges The irresolvable paradox that emerges when the parent is when the parent is bothboth the source of the child’s the source of the child’s

fear and fear and the haven the haven

for the child’s safety.for the child’s safety.  

CIRCLE OFCIRCLE OFDISORGANIZATIONDISORGANIZATION

I need you but you are so I need you but you are so frightened or frightening frightened or frightening that I have no one to turn that I have no one to turn to and I don’t know what to to and I don’t know what to do.do.

Disorganized attachment is the irresolvable paradox that occurs when the parent is both the Disorganized attachment is the irresolvable paradox that occurs when the parent is both the source of the child’s fear and the haven for the child’s safety. This paradox leaves a child source of the child’s fear and the haven for the child’s safety. This paradox leaves a child feeling chronically afraid, on the verge of losing emotional and behavioral control and with feeling chronically afraid, on the verge of losing emotional and behavioral control and with a diminished capacity to see adults as a resource.a diminished capacity to see adults as a resource.

Name That NeedName That Need

Top HalfTop HalfSupport my explorationSupport my exploration

Watch over meWatch over me Delight in meDelight in me Help meHelp me Enjoy with meEnjoy with me

Bottom HalfBottom HalfWelcome my coming inWelcome my coming in

Protect meProtect me Comfort meComfort me Delight in meDelight in me Organize my feelingsOrganize my feelings

Hands Hands Bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind Bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind

Protect me Protect me Comfort meComfort me Delight in meDelight in me Organize my Organize my feelingsfeelings

Circle of SecurityCircle of SecurityParent Attending to the Child’s NeedsParent Attending to the Child’s Needs

I I need need you you toto

Support My Support My ExplorationExploration

Welcome My Welcome My Coming To Coming To YouYou

I need I need you toyou to

Watch over meWatch over me Delight in meDelight in me Help meHelp me Enjoy with meEnjoy with me

II need need you you toto

I I need need you you toto