HOW TO COPE WITH INFIDELITY Interview with Allison Cohen Presented by Kajay Williams This report is NOT for sale and may not be resold. This is aFREE report and may be freely distributed or shared, provided none of the information or links are changed.

How To Cope With InfidelityDisclaimerThe material included in this report is intended for informational purposes only andin no way is meant to substitute for individualized mental health therapy providedin person by a professional. No claim to cure, treat, diagnose or otherwise providemental or behavioral health care is guaranteed, promised or implied by this report.We do not accept any liability or injury, loss, or damage incurred by the use of, orreliance upon, information contained in this report.If you are in need of mental health services, please contact a licensed professional.If there is an immediate or life threatening crisis, or any other mental healthemergency,CALL 911. www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com www.InfidelityInfo.com 1

How To Cope With InfidelityQ and A with Allison CohenQ1. When someone suspects their partner or spouse is having an affair,what should they do? Should they confront them without having the proofor should they confront only after having the evidence?First and most importantly, before you take any active steps, you have to askyourself WHY you suspect your partner of cheating. You have to be able todifferentiate between the possibility of human insecurities and fear getting thebest of you versus real, substantive feelings/reasoning for your concerns.Ask yourself what proof you have to warrant your concerns and whether thosefears have any base in reality. If youve been able to determine that there is trueevidence, its best to be honest and direct because playing investigator behindyour partners back can be devastating to the relationship if it turns out that theyhave been faithful all along.Of course, confronting your partner is no guarantee that they will own whattheyve done, but it begins an important dialogue which will allow you to expressyour concerns and bring up issues youve been struggling with in the marriage.Even if your partner denies any wrong doing, infidelity always comes out in theend. Pay attention and stay cognizant and youll soon have your answer.Q2. So often, the straying spouse almost always denies having an affair andbecome defensive when they are asked that question. They accuse thebetrayed spouse of being paranoid, jealous and controlling. Sometimes theyeven turn the table around and accuse the betrayed spouse of having anaffair.What do you suggest someone do when they fear their spouse may becheating on them but they are repeatedly met with an uncooperative, www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com www.InfidelityInfo.com 2

How To Cope With Infidelityhostile and defensive spouse who is not willing to address their spousesfears and concerns?Even if youve tried to have the conversation, it may likely have come out instream of unrelentingly emotional accusations which is a sure fire way to turnanyone off. Your partner may indeed be hiding something but unless youimplement the right tools, you may never find your answer.First, mention to your partner that you would like to have a calm, rationaldiscussion (this sets the tone and may make them feel more open to the dialogue)and ask them what day/time works best for them. Next, in preparation for thetalk, write down all of the subtle (or not so subtle) shifts youve noticed in yourpartners behaviors that you would like a response to (IE changes in the way theydress, shifts in their schedule, more time away from you, being secretive abouttheir phone use etc.) This list will help you narrow your focus and get clarity onwhat you really want to know.Right before its time to have the discussion, its important that you take a fewmoments to center yourself and create an imaginary force field that will preventyou from blowing up or reverting to that reactive person you may have beenduring those prior conversations. Take several slow, deep breaths and visualizeyourself staying calm and resilient even if your partner tries to shift blame ormake you feel crazy.Stay your course and envision yourself referring back to your list when you arestarting to feel emotional or unhinged. Once youve built your emotional shield,sit down with your partner and explain that you have noticed some changeswithin them that you would like to understand better.Start by telling them all of the wonderful things you love about them and yourrelationship and how you hope through this conversation to strengthen yourbond and leave it with a better understanding of who they are and what they may www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com www.InfidelityInfo.com 3

How To Cope With Infidelityneed from you. Mention that you are open to making changes they may needfrom you in order to re-build or maintain your connection.Once you have explained your intentions for the conversation, note that you havesome observations/questions youve written down that youre hoping to gainclarity on and ask your partner if they would mind your going down the list tohear from them, as to what specifically may be happening.If you are able to use all of these tools and stay in a constructive andcommunicative zone, you will have everything you need to gain clarity. However,if your partner continues to stonewall, turn things around or get defensive, it maybe time to take a more active role in sussing out the situation.Q3. It makes sense. Basically what you are advocating is to remain calm andcomposed and not to assume things or confront with an aggressive tone orbody language even when you strongly suspect that your partner or spouseis cheating on you because you probably run the risk of blowing up thingsthan dealing with the problem in a mature way.Now, it is one thing to ask your partner something and it is another thingbeing able to handle the truth. We receive emails from readers whosometimes prefer not to know the truth because they fear they would not beable to handle it. In other instances, even though the betrayed partner orspouse knows that their partner is having an affair will choose to ignore itbecause of other reasons like they cannot afford a divorce or because theyhave kids or because they are dependent on their spouse etc.You talked about being mentally prepared with regards to taking a non-aggressive, non-accusatory approach to ask the suspected straying partneror spouse about the affair, what can someone do to be better prepared tohandle the truth which may or may not be something they want to hear? www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com www.InfidelityInfo.com 4

How To Cope With InfidelityAnd more importantly, what sort of tone and approach should they takeonce they know their partner or spouse has been having an affair?As previously referenced, when approaching any difficult conversation, itsimportant to enter it with the most constructive mind set. You want to play outthe likely scenarios in order to prevent yourself from being caught by the elementof surprise and lessen the likelihood of emotional devastation. Beyond thepotentially upsetting information you may hear, is what you may do after youveheard it. You are likely blame, shame and punish yourself for whatever yourpartner might share with you.Minus a very select amount of scenarios, it takes two to tango. We are flawedhumans and have to allow ourselves to make mistakes; mostly because we areentitled but also because it provides an important window to learn, grow andimprove. If your partner tells you they have been cheating, defy every urge youhave to convince yourself that you are fully responsible or somehow lessdesirable, valuable and worthy of love for what they have done.You will have to create a positive internal track in your head as the swell ofemotions and negative, punishing thoughts swirl in your head. Play that track onrepeat and you will have a greater chance of not only dealing with the news butsurviving it as well.Once you have learned of your partners infidelity, its important that you figureout what you want from your relationship from this point forward, beforeapproaching your mate. Think about whether you want to try to work it out,separate or even divorce.Listen to your instincts and match them against your desires, needs and thereality of your circumstances. Youll then be able to collect your thoughts to mostsuccessfully communicate them in a calm, explanatory and rational manner. www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com www.InfidelityInfo.com 5

How To Cope With InfidelityQ4. After the discovery of the affair, the betrayed spouse often feels theneed to know every little detail of the affair because at that point they feelthey are entitled to and cannot heal unless they know these details. At thesame time, I have had so many readers who struggle later on recoveringfrom the affair because of these details. Almost anything and everythingreminds them about the affair because they know so much about the affair.Can you talk us through the right questions to ask after the affair that canhelp rebuild a stronger marriage and the questions that are better not beasked after the affair because they may be a stumbling block for recoveringfrom the betrayal?Curiosity is one of the most basic, human responses when faced with the reality ofpartner infidelity, however, specifics can and will often decimate the chance ofreconciliation if too many details are revealed. In order to get the necessaryinformation AND move forward in the relationship, stick to the 5W formulabelow: Who was the affair with? What happened physically? When did it begin and how long did it go on for? Where did it occur? Why did your partner feel the need to step out of the marriage?Any information beyond the confines established above, will set you down anegative path and away from the healing necessary to move forward. Resist theurge to poke and prod to get more answers. You wont feel any more at peace andit will actually aggravate and exacerbate the struggle to repair the damage.Q5. I really love the 5W formula- simple yet effective. But for those people www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com www.InfidelityInfo.com 6

How To Cope With Infidelitywho already know too many details of the affair and are suffering fromrepeated flashbacks and memories of the affair, can you suggest somepractical strategies to overcome these negative thoughts?You have to think of your relationship like an emotional bank account. Because ofthe affair and the events leading up to it, your balance is at an all time low. Livingin that negative space creates even more of a breeding ground for flashbacks andpainful memories of the infidelity. Understand that with any emotional trauma,there will be waves of emotion/flashes/painful images that wash over you, evenwhen it may seem like you are living in a peaceful moment.Remind yourself that this is normal and it WILL pass. Every day you seeyourselves communicating, addressing issues and working as a team, thosememories will slowly fade into the distance, become less frequent and you WILLbuild back to a solid balance in your account.That healthy balance will provide you with the necessary tools to manage whenthose difficult moments strike because your relationship will be strong enough totake the financial hit. Patience in knowing that recovery is a marathon and not asprint, will be essential.Q6. There is actually quite a lot of helpful information with regards tohealing from the affair for the betrayed spouse and there is also a lot ofinformation on what the straying spouse should do with regards torebuilding the marriage after the affair and helping the betrayed spouserecover from the affair.But there is comparatively little information on the feelings of the strayingspouse. Very often they are painted as the bad guy, the villain, theperpetrator, the liar, the cheat, the deceiver etc, but they too have theirshare of struggles like experiencing guilt, feeling ashamed and www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com www.InfidelityInfo.com 7

How To Cope With Infidelityembarrassed, experiencing stress, having conflicting feelings between thespouse and the wife etc.While they are responsible for the affair and need to do a lot of hard workin earning the trust back and helping the betrayed spouse to recover fromthe affair, how do they deal with their self healing? Because they are seen asthe wrong guy or girl, people may not be very sympathetic towards themand they may be hesitant to share what they are going through with thebetrayed spouse due to shame and guilt.What are some things they can do to self heal after the affair?Being labeled the cheater can have serious, negative implications for your selfesteem as well as your ability to take the necessary steps to rebuild therelationship. Its important to find the balance between ownership of your mistakeand forgiveness for being human/making a devastating choice. Because manywont have sympathy for the crippling guilt, emotional battering you will receivefrom your partner and monumental task of eventually letting the past lie in thepast, it will be critical for the straying partner to find their own therapist to talkto.It will not only help the couple when the individual puts the whys together butit will also help the individual gain support, information and a necessary guide towalk them through the pitfalls of the reparation process. If cost is a concern, doan internet search for low fee therapy or low cost therapy. In most major citiesthere are clinics providing psychotherapy for as little as $10-$15 per session.Q7. You touch upon a very important point here that is ownership of theaffair. This is one of the most frustrating points the betrayed spouse haswhen the wayward spouse behaves in a way that they are more sorry forbeing caught than being involved in the affair. www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com www.InfidelityInfo.com 8

How To Cope With InfidelityOften times after the discovery of the affair, the wayward spouse behaves ina more reactive manner than being proactive. We have got emails from ourreaders betrayed by their partners who point out they are the ones who goabout choosing the therapist, they are the ones actively discussing andparticipating in the therapy sessions, they are the ones reading books onrepairing a marriage after the affair etc.Is this an indication of the wayward spouse being disinterested and goingthrough the motions and doing things just because they have to or is there awaiting period typically after the discovery of the affair before which thestraying spouse truly understands and realizes the damage they havecaused?As with all traumas, it takes time to fully absorb the gravity of the woundscreated. Sadly, there is no way to guarantee that your partners reactivity (versuspro activity) is a function of being emotionally checked out of the relationship.Ideally you want to see your mate instantly kick into a repentant, action orientedmode, but it may take time.While the betrayed spouse has many emotions to wade through and process, thewayward spouse has an equal but drastically different amount of feelings to piecetogether. The shame and guilt over their transgression can lead to feelings ofunworthiness which impacts their desire to rebuild the relationship. Thesefeelings may then get misconstrued as disinterest. Unfortunately every situationis unique and therefore requires patience to ascertain the course and success ofemotional recovery.The good news however, is that it wont take long to figure out which way yourrelationship will turn. Pay attention to your partners verbal and non verbal cues,their willingness/responsiveness to entering therapy to repair the damage, yourgeneral requests etc. Within weeks youll have your answer. www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com www.InfidelityInfo.com 9

How To Cope With InfidelityQ8. We receive emails from readers who have been cheated by their spousein the past and just when they feel things are getting better, they again findtheir spouse has cheated on them. Can serial infidels truly change and whatwould your advice be for the betrayed spouse looking to find ways torebuild their marriage with a serial infidel?One of the problems with serial infidelity is the ease of execution the waywardspouse feels, with every passing encounter. Internal judgment and fear of beingcaught can subside and turn to thrill seeking and justifying. While nothing isimpossible, your chance for marital repair lessens with each occurrence. That said,I have seen clients rebound from serial infidelity but it is rarer. It always comesdown to partners feeling more love for each other than hate for what has beendone to damage the relationship.While some infidelity is a function of individual issues and bares no reflection onthe state of the relationship, often times people seek comfort outside the confinesof their partner because of what isnt working in the relationship.So, to the wounded spouse, I would suggest approaching your relationshipthrough the eyes of a curious, casual observer. Once the intensity of the angersubsides, take a step back and focus on what someone outside your marriagemight notice what works, what doesnt work, how much you both may havebeen neglecting each others needs (or whether or not this was even a factor tobegin with).Through this exercise you can gain clarity, motivation to repair the damage andeven feel (a bit) of empathy for your partners struggles in the relationship.Nothing will magically wipe away the pain but this practice can put you in a moreconstructive, pro active frame of mind that will help you start to move throughthe wreckage.Q9. Some of our readers have emailed us that they have problems forgivingtheir spouse for the affair. It seems as if they want to forgive their spouse www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com www.InfidelityInfo.com 10

How To Cope With Infidelitybut a part of them refuses to do that and some fear that they may never beable to forgive their spouse for the affair. In other instances, we have heardfrom our readers that they fear that if they forgive their spouse for theaffair that their spouse may forget about the affair and may cheat again.Can you provide some practical strategies to help people struggling withforgiveness?In any circumstance where forgiveness is required, yet hesitance ensues, you haveto look at WHY its so difficult for you to let go and even more important,WHAT you are getting from NOT forgiving. Often times, clients report thatthey dont want to move past the infidelity because they feel that if they movepast it, it gives their partner a free pass or leaves them vulnerable to it happeningagain. Others report that they just arent done punishing their partner yet.While all of these feelings are valid, you have to compare them against whatyoull be gaining if you are able to repair the damage and then evaluate what youwant the most (getting your partnership back on track vs. emotionally protectingyourself from harm etc). Theres no judgment in either scenario but itsimperative that you understand what you are doing in order to make the choicethats right for you.Q10. Can you walk through the steps involved in rebuilding a marriage afterthe affair when both the parties are committed?Unfortunately there is no magical formula to marital repair after an affair. Everycouples process will be different due to the nature and circumstances of theinfidelity. That said, it is typically a road filled with many ups and downs that dodissipate over time. There will be flashbacks of the affair for the betrayed partner,there will be crippling guilt for the wayward partner. There will be moments ofcloseness quickly followed by an emotional recoiling because of the anger and fearthat comes along with letting someone who has wronged you back into your www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com www.InfidelityInfo.com 11

How To Cope With Infidelityheart. The waves will be intense, but lessen, pass and become less frequent overtime.Each partner has to be honest about what hasnt been working in the relationshipand where they are at day to day in the recovery process. Both have to besteadfast in the parts they play, in order to heal the relationship. In terms oftiming, Ive had couples move through infidelity in a matter of months and sometake years. In any circumstance, its a journey the two must agree to taketogether. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for those that truly, truly wantit.About Allison CohenAllison Cohen, M.A., MFT is a licensed, private practice psychotherapist, with 10 yearsexperience in individual and couples therapy.With offices in Beverly Hills and Tarzana, CA, Allison specializes in aiding clients thatstruggle with life issues including self esteem, partner dynamics, family of origin conflict,identity formation, communication skills, intuitive eating, anxiety and depression.She uses a kind but direct approach to provide concrete tools for life long change. Shebelieves that the client is the expert on themselves and through an eclectic combination oforientations, she works to bring out the best version of the client that they can be.She is a member of the California Association of Marriage Family Therapists, DivorceTransition Professionals and Psi Chi (the International Honor Society of Psychology).To know more about Allison Cohen, visitwww.lifeissuespsychotherapy.com.For more free tips, insights and advice from hundreds of experts and authors on infidelity,visit www.InfidelityInfo.com. www.LifeissuesPsychotherapy.com www.InfidelityInfo.com 12

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