How to Listen so Parents will Talk and Talk so Parents

will Listen

Working Effectively with Parents

Maybe . . .

It’s easy to be afraid of (or angry at) parents

Parents have special needs and interests

Parents can be very critical consumers

Parents sometimes say things that throw us off our helping/counseling game (Bite-back)

This workshop is rated “PG” A blend of personal discoveries and evidence Caveats and excuses This is YOUR workshop Talking and not talking Communicate respectfully Opening survey We will never get finished

The Portland VA Hospital – 1984Basic common sense conclusionOne of the best ways to provoke

people into behaving in threatening ways is to ________________.

The foundation for working effectively with parent boils down to using your common relationship sense Avoid being too bossy Avoid being insulting Avoid telling people they’re being stupid or

silly Avoid backing people into corners Be respectful . . . And DO NOT live by the

Satanic Golden Rule

The Principles Empathic understanding Radical acceptance Collaboration

Summary: Listen before you educate

Two forms of empathy with parents General – It’s hard to be a parent;

parents are judged

Specific – Clean your room story

▪ Some parents will REALLY NEED to tell you a parenting story

Radical Acceptance as an Attitude (from DBT)

“I completely accept you as you are and am fully committed to helping you change for the better”

We use this especially when parents say something extreme

Parent Volley: “I know it’s not popular, but I believe in spanking. When I was a kid, if I talked back I’d be picking myself up off the floor. Kids don’t have any discipline these days and as a parent, I have a right to parent my kids any way I want.”

Teacher/Counselor Return: “Thanks for being so honest about what you’re thinking. Lots of people believe in spanking and I’m glad you’re being straight with me about your beliefs.”

Parent Response: “Yeah. Okay.”

Teacher/Counselor Return: “But I’m not all that positive about the picking yourself up off the floor thing.”

Parent Response: “Oh no. I didn’t mean I think that’s right.”

Group participation – Volunteer example

Thank you . . . because . . .

Practice with a partner

How do we facilitate collaboration?

Collaboration as an attitude: Not knowing or understanding too quickly

Holding back your pearls of wisdom

“Expert” dance with a parent as your partner

Because parents are vulnerable . . .

We are supportive, positive, and validating

We work to see the positive goals and love underneath anger and imperfect parenting

We join with even the most difficult parents to help them support their children’s education

Preparing for button-pushing: Just like with challenging students

Responding to questions about your credentials or competence

Self-disclosure: When and how much and what kind? [Joining, empathic]

Meet, greet, and comfort (Mary Cover Jones: What did she use to extinguish fear?): What do you use?

Role induction: As needed, explain the terrain

Share power through collaborationHonoring the parent as expertIf needed, obtain and provide a problem

description (homework, classroom behavior)

Expressing support, offering compliments (examples), and using universality

Identifying goals

Listening for backwards behavior modification

Watch for: Anything that seems comforting or

reassuring Complimenting Goal-setting Parent-child dynamics (e.g., backward

behavior modification)

What parents wantParents generally want to know how

to be a positive force or influence in their children’s lives . . . So their children turn out relatively happy and free (e.g., not in prison)

Direct Power: Behavior modification, etc.

Indirect Power: Modeling, manipulating

Problem-Solving Power: Mutual problem-solving

Relationship Power: Special time

The new attitude (eliminate the dread) Grandma’s Rule and passionate rewards and

boring punishment (direct power) Character feedback (indirect power) Seven magic choice theory words (relationship

power): “I want you . . . but it’s your choice . . . Mutual problem-solving (problem-solving

power)

Watch for: Who’s talking now What parent-child dynamics are being

addressed Mutual problem-solving

What will you remember?

What will you try out?

You’re the kind of teachers/counselors

http://www.wiley.com/WileyCDA/WileyTitle/productCd-1118012968,descCd-DOWNLOAD.html

To access 10 tip sheets and/or “follow” John’s blog go to johnsommersflanagan.wordpress.com or johnsommersflanagan.com

Gershoff, E. T. (2002). Corporal punishment by parents and associated child behaviors and experiences: A meta-analytic and theoretical review. Psychological Bulletin, 128(4), 539-579.

Holcomb-McCoy, C., & Bryan, J. (2010). Advocacy and Empowerment in parent consultation: Implications for theory and practice. Journal of Counseling and Development, 88, 259-268.

Johnson, D. C., Harrison, B. C., Burnett, M. F., & Emerson, P. (2003). Deterrents to participation in parenting education. Family & Consumer Sciences Research Journal, 31, 403-424.

Lassally, R. (2009). True mom confessions: Real moms get real. New York: Penguin Group

Murphy, J. J. (2008). Solution-focused counseling in middle and high schools. Alexandria, VA: American Counseling Association.

Sommers-Flanagan, J. (2011). How to listen so parents will talk and talk so parents will listen. Hoboken, NJ: Wiley.

Sommers-Flanagan, J. (2007). Single-session consultations for parents: A preliminary investigation. The Family Journal 15, 24-29.

Sommers-Flanagan, R., & Sommers-Flanagan, J. (2003). Problem child or quirky kid. Minneapolis: Free Spirit.

Vazquez, C. I. (2004). Parenting with pride Latino Style. New York: Harper-Collins