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What Is Funny?

Humor can be broken down into five distinct categories. You should memorize these, asthere will be a quiz later.

Category #1: Pain

Pain is the basis for all humor. It's a simple fact that if nobody gets hurt, it isn't

funny. This includes both physical and emotional pain. For example, when Tweetyhits Sylvester in the foot with a mallet, and he hops screaming, stars streaming

from his foot, that's funny. If Tweety hit him and Sylvester didn't hurt at all, that's

not funny. If Tweety hit him and Sylvester didn't hurt, but Sylvester turned aroundand stomped on Tweety's wittle head, that's funny.

Ethnic jokes are funny because they cause emotional pain to members of the

ethnic group they poke fun at. However, be warned that it is common practice to

respond to ethnic jokes with more humor. If you tell an ethnic joke and someonepunches you in the nose, don't be surprised -- they're just showing their

appreciation and responding in kind.

The only exception to this rule is when the pain happens to you. When you gethurt, it's not funny. It just hurts. However, otherpeople will find your pain

amusing, so be consoled in the knowledge that even though it hurts, people are

still laughing at you.

Category #2: The Unexpected

When something happens that you do not expect to happen, that's funny. When an

anvil falls on Wile E. Coyote, you expect him to splatter all over the place and

die. When he instead gets flattened into an accordian shape, that's funny. (Also, ofcourse, his pain is funny. See above.) Another example is the title graphic at the

top of this page. You read it, and the letters are black -- but then the last character

is an orangy red color. It's unexpected, so it's funny.When you tell a joke and no one laughs, that's funny because you didn't expectthat to happen. So if you tell a joke and no one laughs, it is polite to laugh

hysterically. Everyone else thought your joke was great, so they returned the favor

by doing something funny for you too.

Category #3: Lies and Other Untruths

Lies are inherently funny. If someone behind you in line asks how long you've

been waiting, and you say "forever and a day," that's funny because it's a lie.

Political jokes are popular because they're lies about liars. If a United Statespresident is portrayed as a giant vending machine handing cash to a donkey, that's

funny, because it's a lie. Probably what really happened was he gave the money toan elephant and a guy with a scythe.

Another type of "lie" that is funny is when you see something in a place where itcouldn't be, or doing something that isn't possible. This type of humor is both

untrue andunexpected, so it's doubly funny. For instance, if a big fat cartoon

character like Elmer Fudd tiptoes behind a skinny little tree and hides, that'sfunny. If a skinny little cartoon character like Bugs Bunny hides behind Elmer

Fudd, that's not funny.

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Category #4: Wordplay

Saying words in funny ways is funny. For instance, Sylvester the cat is funny

because he talks with a lisp and spits at the letter 's'. When British people say

"aluminium," that's funny. In fact, anybody with an accent that isn't like yours isfunny, and you should laugh to show your appreciation.

Another type of wordplay that is funny is saying one word when you meananother. If you're with your girlfriend, and you call her "Cathy" when you meant

to say "Tina," that's funny. This type of humor is often followed by humorinvolving pain. (See above.)

Category #5: Puns

Actually, puns aren't funny.

Situational Humor

Some things are only funny in certain situations, so you must be ready with your humor.

For example, if someone stumbles while walking, it is funny to say, "First day on yournew feet?" However, it is not funny to say this twenty minutes later, when the stumbling

has been forgotten. Timing is the essence of comedy, so you should always be ready tocapitalize on the current situation. Here are some common situational jokes you can use

the next time the opportunity presents itself. You should memorize these and use them as

often as possible to show how funny you are. Note that some situations have more than

one appropriate response. You might try to alternate between the various responses toshow your diversity. On the other hand, it never hurts to fall back on an old standby. If a

joke is funny once, it stands to reason that it will be funny twenty more times.

Situation Jokes

Somebody is very tall.

"Do you play basketball?"

"Oh sorry, I thought you were alightpost."

"How's the weather up there?"

Somebody is very short.

"Where's the circus?"

"Da plane! Da plane!"

"How's the weather down there?"

Somebody stumbles.

"Walk much?"

"First day on your new feet?"

"How's the weather down there?"

Somebody burps.

"Really?"

"Well put."

"Did you get any on you?"

"Just as good the second time?"

Somebody hurts himself.

"That's gotta hurt!"

"That's going to leave a mark."

"You're going to feel that tomorrow."

Somebody says something untrue. "Bzzt, wrong answer. Thanks for

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playing."

Somebody says, "You can say that again." (repeat what you just said)

"That again."

Delivery

Doing funny things will only get you half way to being a true funny man. How you dothem is equally important. The following easy tips will help you with your "delivery," as

we say in the industry.

Tip #1: Be Eccentric

If you want to be funny, it is important that you act the part. For example, if youhave an office job, work 9 to 5, live in an ordinary house, have an ordinary wife

and ordinary children, eat ordinary food, and sleep ordinary hours, you will not be

recognized as a funny person. When you tell a joke, everyone may snicker quietly-- and that's good, but everybody tells snicker-worthy jokes once in a while. What

you need to do is establish a reputation of being a wacky character so people willbe excited with anticipation of the humor you're bound to provide them. They'll

key in on your every word and gesture and laugh at the slightest thing you do.Sometimes, you won't even have to be funny, and people will laugh at you.

You definitely want to establish this kind of a reputation. You do that by

becoming eccentric. In order for an eccentric trait to be funny, it must of course fitinto one of the five basic humor categories, usually the "unexpected" category.

Develop odd personal daily habits such as brushing your teeth during

conversations with houseguests. Wear a monocle. Stand two inches from otherpeople's faces when you talk to them. Carry salt and pepper shakers on your

person and refuse to use anyone else's. Wear odd socks and short pants. Sing

Gregorian chants to yourself in audible whispers. Snarl and grind your teethtogether every time you say a word with a 'v' in it. Pass dollar bills to everyone onthe street.

Tip #2: Look Funny

To be a funny person, you have to look funny. For example, the great comedians

W. C. Fields and Jimmy Durante had big noses. (Technically, if you are funny,you should call it a "schnozz.") Bob Hope has a concave face. Steven Wright has

mad scientist hair. Stan Laurel had a forehead taller than his waistline was wide. If

you do not have an inherently funny appearance, do what you can to make itfunny. Wear funny clothes. Get a funny hairdo. To illustrate the effectiveness of a

funny appearance, imagine you are telling a funny joke. Now imagine you are

telling a funny joke, and your chin jiggles everytime you move your lips. This ismuch funnier.

Tip #3: Get a Prop

George Burns had a cigar. Jack Benny had a violin. George Bush had Dan Quayle.

The prop's contribution to how funny you are may not be obvious at first, but it is

very important. Pick a prop, then carry it around with you wherever you go. Donot acknowledge the prop in any way other than its occasional use, and do not use

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it for any purpose other than that for which it was intended. To illustrate the

effectiveness of a prop, imagine you are telling a funny joke. Now imagine you

are telling a funny joke and you have a rubber glove in your hand. The addedhumor value should be immediately apparent.