We used to spend our timeon the internet, now we liveour lives through it. Makingour fortunes and losing ourshirts, finding the next Ms Right(even if she is in ldaho) andsecuring that career-carvingbusiness connection - we're all digitalnatives now.

But not all web users are equal. Theinformation superhighway is a trickyroad to navigate: no sooner has onegame-changing start-up appearedon the hard shoulder, than another,bigger, ten-digit launch has obliteratedit. Even in the age of sat-nav, yousometimes need a trusty map.

Here, G@ presents the ultimate guideto plotting a course through the1.2 zettabytes of data that makes upthe internet. From how to win at onlinepoker and triumph in an argument toavoiding a Facebook faux pas and usingemoticons Iike a man, we shine a guidinglight into cyberspace with our lOO newrules of the internet.

ofE E-mail sign-offs andJ what they say about you:Crbo. Unless you are ltalian or SilvioBerlusconi's UK press agent, refrainfrom such pretences.

Love. Awkward. Keep the heartfeltsign-offs for family.

xx. Like leaving work and kissingeveryone goodbye on both cheeks.

xxx. Are you sleeping with thatwork colleague?

Your first initial. What, you didn'thave time to type your full name?Nobody's that busy.

Crbo spelt incorrectly. "Chow!" Yourcolleagues are laughing at you.

FtIIIT

2It's OK torespond toawkward e-mailswith a fake "outof office" reply.But you have tosend it within 28seconds. Have oneprepared on yourdesktop "notes".

3Don't add onLinkedln peopleyou actually wantto meet. The siteis strictly for(virtual) business.

Do not useyourname@yourname.comas an e-mailaddress.It just makesyou look likea megalomaniac, orat least desperatefor recognition.The same goes forme@yourname.com.

6Practise "iumpto desktop"response forreading NSFWe-mails.On a PC, pressingthe Windows keyand D will hide aIlopen windows.Command + H willhide your openwindow on a Mac.

7Google yourself.It's not narcissistic;it's a way to ensurethat unfortunategap-year diary,/earnest studentpoetry doesn'tfollow you forever.

ISkype webcamcalls should betwo-way. Nowebcam? Stick tovoice calls. If youhave one and theother party doesn't.don't connectyours. One-wayviewing is creepy.

9lgnorespammers. Don'tanger someonecapable of sendinga triliion e-mails perweek. Also. one dayit might really bethe ousted king ofNigeria. Delete it,block it, move on.

h'.rn,"*rd

WORKGone are the days when Facebookwasn't allowed at work - now,most businesses actively encourageemployees to cultivate their "personalonline brands". But be careful, the webcan still get you in front of HR quickerthan you can say NSFW - so sav\ry up.

Remove your "sent from myi Phonel PadlB lackBerry"signature. Acceptable'12 monthsago, but these devices are nothingto show off about any more.

226 GO SEPTEMBER 2O]1

tu!esle Intetnet

ln the beginning, a man'scomputer was his castle.What he saved on it was his andhis alone, geographically localised,and that was that. The problem wasthat this was a risky, eggs-in-one-basket arrangement. lf thecomputer crashed, all the data on itwas loEt, gone for good. Destroyed.

The CIoud is the alternative. Eversaved a document to your Gmailaccount so you can access itelsewhere? That is essentially usingthe Cloud - your data, spread acrossthe internet on a range of servers.This has two advantages: one, it isbacked up, invulnerable to machinedamage; and two, you can accessyour data anywhere in the world.

The Cloud first saw real actionin 2OO4 as part of the HumanGenome Project with the worldCommunity Grid, a program forhome computer users. lt achieveda processing speed far in advance ofthe most powerful supercomputersat the time and contributed to theprocessing of human DNA.

Today the Cloud extends toyour music collection - whichcan be streamed to whereveryou are via Apple's iCloud. ln fact,when iCloud is fully launchedlater this year, it will store allyour content - music, documents,pictures, the lot - and make itaccessible to any Apple device.

11You're onlyallowed apersonal websitewhen someoneelse has createdyour fansite. Butby then, you don'treally need one.

12Set up a two-minute delaybefore sendinge-mails. Manye-mail clients nowoffer this. Those120 seconds maysave your careersome day.

{ 2 Know your type. SometimesltJ itt not what you say but the

font with which you say it...

oThe "old school". Times New Romanor Courier New. Write as if you thinka computer is a soft of newfangled,paperless typewriter. Start every e-mai1with "Dear Sir or Madam" and endwith "Yours sincerely" or "Best wishes".Implies you are a man of old-fashionedcharm, ways and habits.

aThe fibusy-busy-busy". Arial orCalibri, al1 lower case, one line 1ong,

formed entirely of curt statementsseparated by commas or question marks.Implies you are too important to spendtime on such mundane thlngs as e-mails.

aThe "PUNCHY". Black, Arial Bold,all capitals, no punctuation. Like beingbarked at by a sergeant-major in a Fiftieswar fi1m. Implies that you are a roboticAlan Sugar programmed by Bond villains

14 Download the right apps. Don't waste money: : on thousands of novelty applications that don't do

anything except make gun noises or simulate a pintof beer. Here are the only ten you will ever need.

UberSocial. So you can keep up with Twitter.GO. The right gear, right now.

lnstapaper. So you can read the papers at your leisure.

Layar. So you always know what's around you.

Epicurious. So you know what to cook.Flight Contrcl, So you can pass the time.Real Tools. So you can put up shelves.

Word Lens, So language is never a barrier.Flight Tracker, So you never miss your plane.

TED. So you are always the smartest in the room.

1 E Be a wise tech billionaire.r Y Be good to your friends.

Mark Zuckerberg fought tooth and nailto make sure Facebook was all his baby,leaving broken egos and disenfranchisedshareholders litter his wake. Expensivelawsuits and Aaron Sorkin screenplaysfollowed. It's easier just to be nice to people.Be businesslike. It is no longer acceptableto wear tatty trainers and a hoodie to work,even if you are Steve Jobs. Inspire someconfidence with a tailored three-piece suit.Be aware of the risks. Tech is flckle. Ifeverything collapses under you, start again,and never breathe a word about your loss.Don't let politicians push you around.Google was pilloried for allowing China tocensor its searches, and Vodafone switchedoff its networks at the behest of Egypt'sHosni Mubarak. You're the emperor ofa brand-new domain. Don't 1et the emperorsof geography think they can control you.Give a little. Bill Gates could well havebeen remembered as a sinister monopolist.Now, the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundationis his legacy. Amazon's Jeff Bezos foundeda space-flight company. Use your wealthto do something good. (3)

SEPTEI'4BER 2011 @ 227

So, you've set up your account and are "*r-.s.1.-111-1il \Jscreen. How do you make a million people hang on your

every word in the style of, dare *" ,"y, @piersmorgan?

-

Here's how you turn yourself into one of TWitter's movers. ./Zl

O29

!t is not OK toadd someone

on Facebook iust becausethey follow you on TWitter.You are not the Messiah.They are not followersin that sense.

17 A girl following you on Twittert , does not mean she's interested.

a lirl following you on Twitter the morningafter the night before, however, does.

1 8 nff"J,l,l,:],f,i';i';:l'5;."0.,ln front of the entire bar.

t (l Choose a good profile picture.r Y Don't keep the Twitter avatar, or

you'II look like a spam account. Make sureyour picture suits your tweeting style.

20 )fl ' J::::,::'"11;1"'*ff;'or "twibbons" for your TWltter picture.Whether yours says "Boris 2072" or "LoveMusic, Hate Kasabian", they're a good wayof telling people what you're about.

,1 Nothing to say? Then just keepG I ft set on "receive". Mos[ newsis broken on TWitter these days, and manypeople use their account just to read. Youdon't need an opinion to be in the loop.

alt Never tweet questions that canZZ Oe answered easily on Google.Recommendations are flne; information onhorv to insert your iPhone SIM card not so.

23 Engage with people. Don't bedownhearted if @BrettRatner

doesn't reply to your flrst message.After a while, something you say willstrike a nerve and before you know ityou're arguing about hair transplantswith @WayneRooney.

24 llTi': *"",T.';,i.lJll',o,I ,,",,successful Twitterers are those who haveset up satiilcal or themed accounts. Thebest ones are: @Queen_UK, @its_Death,@DrSamuelJohnson and @DiMBLEBOT.

228 GO SEPTEMBER 2O']]

25 Be consistent in how oftenyou tweet. Don't stay quiet all

week and then compose four tweetsa minute during a particularly retina-scalding episode of The Only Way ls Essex

2 6 :ifi il?,;':Ifl 'i*':,?:,.';;'splitting it into a series of tweetsconnected by ellipses is just plainlazy. Learn to say it in 140 charactersor put it on your blog.

27 Fact: Twitter is about the onlysocial forum where you can

reiterate a compliment withoutlooking smug. Someone said somethingkind about your book/artwork/appearance on Newsnight? Hit RTand stretch the (self) love.

usual suspects.

@MrNewsBreaker I live to tell youwhat's happening RIGHT NOW.Location: constantly hitting refreshon Google alerts.>>#BREAKING NEWS<< High windsin ARIZONA cause ROOF TILES tobe DISLODGED. More to follow.

@authorwith abookout Ma rti nAmis doesn't have to do this sortof thing, but I do.Location: A bedsit. A nice bedsit.but a bedsit nonetheless.Signing copies of my new book Caf,lnterrupted at Bluewater f rom 1O-4,

@twitterismybtain I crowd so u rceevery decision. This makessex awkward.Location: wherever you tell me to go.Should I wear the Madras shorts ormy Orlebar Browns this morning?

@celebrityobsessive I am in lovewith Amy Childs. Or Justin Bieber.Or Khlod Kardashian. Or whoeverI'm into right nowLocation: My bedroom. Constantly.OMG Justin I <3 you! (PLEASERETWEET! PS: do you have anerection in that photograph?)

@anewbietweefs lam newto this. This is all I tweet aboutLocation: 20O8.Sooo, what is this thing, then?

The roadto onlinehook-upsnever didrun smooth- remember,the wholeworld can seeyour pick-uptechnique,so sharpenup with thesepointersand stackthe odds inyour favour.

Steer clear of free dating sites.They're free for a reason. You haveto make an investment if you want tomeet anyone even halfway suitable.

30Misleadingly attractive prof ilepictures are, within reason,acceptable. Topless ones orany in which you're showingoff the "guras" are not.

71Unless you're desperate,don't upload a video profile.At least wait until you meet themto shatter their illusions.

3_2Get someone else to check yourprofile before you submit it.Pick a blunt friend with a total lackof sensitivity to make sure you don'tsend the wrong signals,

33-Be honest about your quirks.Looking for someone who alsoappreciates Chris Martin's acousticversion of the Beastie BoyJ "FightFor Your Right"? Then fess up.

34Don't use a Groupon voucher ona first date. Discounted dining hasnever been sexv.

$vleThe internet is a vast repositoryof all things stylish. How doyou find what's right for you?Log on, fix up and look sharp.

! S Don't fear ,,the return,,. If you aren,t the sofi of manYJ who can be bothered to return items, then you should beprepared to have a lot of online purchases sittlng on your shelfunused. Learn to return and check that the website makes theprocess as easy (and as free) as possible.

?f, measrre before you order ctothes. Make sure youYv know your actual size - you may think you are a 32inswaist, but a tape measure could tell a different story. Also, brandscan vary enormously, so check the sizing of indlvidual labels. This isone reason why shoes are so easy to buy online - feet don,t get fat.

7J trlk the sartorial talk. In menswear, there are some veryr7' specific terms you should know. When talking about a suit,a drop six means that there is a 6ins difference between the jacketsize and the trousers - so a 40 regular jacket will come with 34inswaist trousers. A slim-flt European suit, however, may well bea drop seven, so the accompanying trousers will have a 33ins waist.

Stick to classics.

46 Keep Facebook party invitesprivate. Its unlikely 5,000 strangers

will tum up. But it's not worth the risk.

47 lt is perfecily acceptable to' r ask, "Exactly how do I know

you?" Con artists can use data gleanedfrom your online profiles to pose as"friends" and extract money or credit-carddetails. There s no need to be embarrassed- just ask. If you're not satisfled, don'taccept the friend request.

48 "Relationship status,, isnot a therapy couch, Even

if it's "comp1icated".

4q fi you find yourself logged! 7 in to your significant other's

Facebook, just log out. Whateveryou do, don't be tempted to check their"sent messages" box, Paranora isa corrupting force.

38

EB\

KThe worldwide social monopoly that madeMark Zuckerberg a billionaire still rules oursocial life. But now it's seven years old, it,s gotas many rules of etiquette and engagement asa royal garden party. So gen up...

39 }"";ffi:T,':f;::ff:l'*'nin"n 43 ::xl::i 1?;1iil"01,,1,",1,,"*you meet them for the first time. Chris Brown,s example and have yourAlso resist the temptation to steer the mother fight your battles on Twitter.conversation towards their favourite booksand fllms, because they will smell a rat.

40 Don't use Facebook topromote your busines s/novel /

44 More than twice a week isI r too often to update yourprofile picture. Especially if you'reupdating it wlth preffy much the samepicture as before.

45 Facebook is not a soapbox. O1d

school friends don't want to readyour rants on George Osborne's fisca1 policy

art project/club night/play. Facebookis for keeping up with people, not sellingthem things.

y't Ouote rarety, if at all. lf -vou,re' I posting several Sylvia plath

platitudes every day, you will losefriends fast. If you do quote, makesure you quote correctly.

1l) Nobody pokes on Facebookt - any more. Poking a girl on

Facebook is like honking at her r,rrith yourcar horn: just for backseat sex pests andundermotivated stalkers.

soSEPTEMBER 2O1] (XI 229

TRA/ELWhen even the least worldlywise web user is booking up andchecking in online, you need to tryharder to stay one step ahead ofthe pack. The only thing the netcan't do is get you an upgrade, butfor everything else, here's how...

It Seek out like-minded travellers. Tripadvisor.co.uk isY r (still) the premier website for user reviews. Check to see

if the writer sounds similar to you.

52 Don't worry too much about other people's extremeexperiences. Just because someone had their sultcase

stolen, or fell in love, doesn't mean that either of those thingswill deflnitely happen to Vou.

53 Booking a holiday online is the opposite ofcommitting a crime. Maintain a weight of evidence

You may at any time have to prove you've done it. Screen grabs,passport scans on USB sticks, confirmation print-outs andreference numbers are all your friends.

Let the internet take you somewhere new.Unless you really have your heart set on a particular place,

be a bit adventurous - ifVenice is too expenslve and there isa special deal on Kiev, go to Kiev

gE,EOs=oE

ot,

Remember, everythingyou say can, and will, bescrutinised. Here are somewinning arguments to helpyou sharpen your onlineopinions and make a case.

(fi Don't use a silly alias to engagevv in political debate. Nobody willtake an application of a Nietzsche-derivedsocloeconomic theory to Middle Easternrealpolitik seriously if it comes from a usercalled SexTrumpet69.

(] There is never an excuse foril multiple exclamation marks.They have their own punctuationalweight: !!M is like 12 seconds of mad,staring eyes.

58The internet is the new Wild West, and there's plenty ofspace for heroes and revolutionaries. The governments ofTunisia and Egypt fell to grass-roots groups organised onTwitter and Facebook; protesters in lran use Twitterand other social-networking sites to keep incontact and organise. Here's how they do it.

aStart a Facebook protest group. Egyptian Googleexecutive Wael Ghonim founded the Facebookgroups that kick-started the Tahrir Square protests.Facebook is at the centre of organisation of the GreenMovement in lran.

a Pick a hashtag. This is the banner under whichrevolutionaries now march. ln lran in 2OO9, protestorsorganised under #iranelections and #9188. The Egyptianprotestors used the date #jan25, the first day of protest,and Tunisian agitators used #Sidibouzid.

a Use Twitter to keep up with events, Tweets sent tointernational journalists and opinion-formers get them toengage and raise awareness of the cause. Twitter is alsoused to send messages of encouragement to followersand to broadcast dates for marches. ,

oGet the hackers onside. Pro-government websitesin lran have been coming under attack from idealistic- and practically untraceable - hackers around the worldwanting to make a difference.

OGet ready to be cut off. The Egyptian regime orderedISPs to shut down the internet for the entire country on27 January 20'11. This was a panlc move, and it was toolate: the protests already had too much momentum.

23O GO SEPTEI'4BER 2O1']

Need toknow:trolling

GAMELLNG,:

Open comment threads, such asthose underneath a newspaperarticle, YouTube video or blogentry are the hunting ground forthe troll. These are nihilists, gorgingon anonymity, delighting inupsetting people, and they leaveimpotent rage in their wakewherever they go. The noun "troll"most clearly originates from themonster of Hans Christian Andersenstories, but the verb has also beenlinked to the old French troller,a hunting term meaning "to go inquest of game without purpose".

Spottlng trolls is difficult, and theyare rarer than you think: mostpeople just want to have a vigorousexchange of ideas. Look out for anyopinion obviously designed to beinf Iammatory or. irritating. Casualand arrogant dismissal of someone'sopinion, disinterest in the topicunder discussion and extremelyunpleasant personal remarks arethe telltale signs of a troll at play.A subset, the "concern troll", willpurport to agree with the prevailingview but confess concerns in anattempt to sow seeds of doubt. Keeptrack of users; often trolls will havea reputation already and are goingafter newbies. lf everyone is ignoringa particularly belligerent message-board poster, you should, too.

The best way to deal with trolls is

not to feed them. lf you engage,they have already won. Trolls do notrespond to logic; they just want youto get worked up. Simply identifythem, dismiss them and move on.

60 Hl: :#:3[il{ i#"_"11"Ji,""only corollary of Murphy's 1aw - states:Any post correcting an effor in anotherpost will contain at least one error itself."

61 3""[:,fi":.x1'i:ff :::,ili' "easily into a burning-torches-and-pitchforksparty. When it does, don't join in.

ANDSPORTThe World Bank predicts onlinegambling will be worth f13bn within12 months, so strengthen your handand make sure you come out a winner.

When you start,don't play forcash. Play learnergames and getsome experience;don't stake yourhard-earnedgreenbacks untilyou understand themechanics of boththe game and eachparticular site.

Join the forums.At sites such as

twoplustwo.com,you can discusstactics andlearn from thewisdom of other,more experiencedplayers.

64Get seriousabout poker:get trackingsoftware, Onceyou've played about2,000 hands andhave got the hangof things, get holdof some softwaresuch as Hold'emManager orPokerTracker. Theseprovide you witha1i kinds of crucialstatistics andhand history.

65Don't stakemore than you'reprepared to lose.Have a dedicatedpoker bank account,and only riska certain percentageof it in a singlegame - five percent is about themaximum to throwaround in a singlehand. If that's notenough for thehand you're in, thestakes are too high.

66Know if you'rebeing sharked.If you're usingtracking software,you can get a fairidea of the skills ofthe other players.If you can't spotthe "fish" - theworst player ina hand - within halfan hour, it's you.Get out beforeyou get burned.

e;7Don't get carriedaway. Whensomeone recentlylost $254,198 onfulltilt.com, it wasonly the 26'h worstloss of the year.

68 70Don't worry toomuch aboutcheating - it'spretty rare. Thereare some peopleconvinced that alloniine poker isrigged, but it'slargely a myth. It'sbetter to go for thebig sites that investplenty of moneyon spotting peopleworking as teamsto rig a table.

69Stop practisingyour poker face.No one can see you.

lf you can'tfind odds onsomething, getthem made.If you want tohave a flutter onsomething unusual

- Norwich City'snext manager; howlong the transportsecretary will keephis job - you cantweet Ladbrokes'accounts.@ladpolitics or@magicsignman,and if your requestis interesting,they'll put oddson it for you.C

62

SEPTEMBER 2011 GO 23'I

FlickrFor visual kicks, there's onlyone place to go. This grand oldphoto-hosting site is now hometo more than five billion pics.To become your own pictureeditot do the following.

7il Only upload your best photos.I Z wt a showcase; show a ]ittle editorialrestraint, limit your uploads to one or twoa day at most and you will be rewardedwith attention.

Name yourphotographs,Don't just leavethem as DSCOO12- this makes themimpossible tosearch through.And tag themreligiously to makethem searchable.ai Make sure you are set to the/T right licence for your photos."Creative Commons" is the best licence formost users: it means your photos can beused only if you are attributed, helping topromote your work. Keep all rights reservedif you expect to get paid for every shot.

7E Man up and pay for Flickr.

' J It deserves to survive - it'sa genuinely supportive online communitywhere strangers praise your work. Also,make sure you tag your camera settingsfor the photo nerds.

232 GGI SEPTEMBER 2011

Lr--]

OOLr--]_l

=OZY

It has been speculated that the internet,fllled as it is with the collectiveknowledge of humanity, could becomesentient - a giant brain that will ruleus like a god. Before thery_howeve1you can use it to look stuff up...

76 Need 4chanThis innocuous-sounding message board is the filthy,sweaty engine room of the internet. Since its birth in2OO3, the twisted and mischievous minds that dwellhere have churned out many of the cultural identifiersthat shape the web as we know it. "LOLcats"? Thatwas them. Rickrolling - when you trick someoneinto clicking a link that leads to a YouTube video ofRick Astley - that was them, too.

It is also the most likely birthplace of the mysteriousAnonymous movement, an amorphous syndicate ofhackers and activists. They have been responsiblefor so many online attacks that many organisationsconsider them cyber-terrorists - including theAmerican government. They do things for "lulz",which translates (via LOLs) to "just for laughs".

They are a force for chaos; they transcend moralityand despise order. A 4chan user hacked Sarah Palin'sinternet account in 2OO8 and posted pictures fromthe account on to the site - purely for kicks. ProjectChanology - probably named after 4chan - is anextension of Anonymous that has declared war onthe Church of Scientology. Banks, music and moviecompanies have all felt 4chan's wrath. But whena l4-year-old from Oklahoma posted videos showinghim torturing his cat, 4chan users swiftly tracked himdown and notified the police.

rto know:

77lf you wantfollowers onmicro-bloggingsites like Tumblr,find a niche. Ifyou're struggling,do what everyoneelse does: choosean unusual noun,preface it with "f * * *

yeah", post picturesad nauseam, andwatch your readercount skyrocket.

78_Pay fora designer styleon Tumblr. Onthe web, as in life,bespoke is better.

80Don't let foodblogging get inthe way of youenjoying dinner.One photograph percourse, maximum.

81Using Googleto cheat ina pub quiz isunacceptable.It's an oldie, but itbears repeating. Thesame goes for IMDband Wikipedia.

82Trust Wikipedia.It has about thesame mistakes-to-article ratio as theEncyclopediaBritannica.

83...But check theSOUTCeS €V€h SOr

Use the links at thebottom of articles tofo11ow informationthrough, to ensureit's reputable.

84Edit a Wikipediapage if you arean expert on thesubject. Or correcta mistake that yousee. Even if you'reonly a specialist inPeugeot hatchbacksof the Eighties,you are stlll addingin a small wayto the collectiveknowledge ofthe human race.

85...But neveredit your ownWikipedia page.It may be tempting,but someone isbound to smella rat if you havea bigger "greatest

achievements"section thanAbraham Lincoln.

irimeilIr 86 H-T:JI['l?f':1Xn;;:*I-I neighbours will be able to see it.

|oa Cheat on Megavideo. lf you resetJZ ..^.._"^*^ -^..r^-yuur rrurrrE ruutcr, J/OU feseL the"you have watched 72 minutes of videotoday" timer, too. Hel1o, free unlimitedMad Men streaming.

(l! Don't "LOL", "LMAO" orirJ rrRoFL". Instead. look for morei.rt".urti"g variants that make your ironicdetachment clearer, such as "LOLipop""Chairman LMAO" or "ROFL Harris".

eMANticonsA real man in need oftextual illustration can adoptthe following GQ emoticon lexicon.

=><= Firm handshake.

=@@= Fist bumP.(--) Eyes narrowed in mistrust

or anger.G-) Blank stare of disappointment

or disbelief.(8) Good luck (lucky 8-ball).=JO Manly pat on the back.=@O Sympathetic punch to

the shoulder.[-] -[-] "Cheers" glass clink.(')- Barely perceptible nod

of acceptance.

95 Geo-tagging is a stalker'sparadise. Wise up. Apps such as

Foursquare are probably the future. But notthe present, while they're still so creepy.

(l( Don't use your home address

'v on Freecycle, Gumtree or otherbuy-sell sites. Instead, agree to plck upor drop things off in a public place. Justbecause someone wants your old T!doesn't mean you necessarily want themto know where you live.

(l] Don't copulate in public onJ

' Second Life. Sure, everyone'sui ii, t* there's such a thing as decorum,even on the internet.

98 Don't believe every sportingrumour on the internet. A good

trick: in your head, preface everything youread on sports blogs with, "My friendoverheard in the pub that..."

OO Kardashian's Law: nude photosJJ of yourself will always end uponline. Don't take them - particularly ona smartphone.

100 il:i'Jr;,Il:fi?ffi"doesn't mean you shouldn't always deleteyour history... @

There is nobetter tool forentertainmentthan theinternet, exceptfor, perhaps,a superyacht.However, it'sall too easy toget lost in thedarker cornersof cyberspace,where nobodycan hear youscream. so letGQ teach youhow to dodowntimebetter thananyone else.

"Xenu's Pleasure Palace Portal" will getyou suspicious glances over the fence, nomatter how hilarious it seems at the time.

Cl7 lt's time to make yourCll rrorn"page sometning otherthan Google. Most browsers havea built-in search funclion anl.way Enrichyour life by changing it to a web-comic:try wondermark.com or xkcd.com.

88 fi ff :*'.".J#:"',IJ[?,i"ili'your primary account and set up a second"parerft" account. Then get the "parent" tosend a monthly allowance to the one youactuailv use - thus you can't blow f100on digital goodies after too many Negronis.

8e 3:S:H: ?*:f,[":X:;:;l ",Friends Reunited account up to date is theintemet equivalent of wearing hose andsaying "thou" instead of "you".

go 3,",*"i:fllr;::,i?igatherings. Nobody is enjoying yourjoumey through the Lonely Island's backcatalogue, and you've been playing BillBailey clips for three hours. Go home.

:=====r=,,.:.-=:;,;;L;1;;1:7:,;';;=;-.-.-=:=.?=Chatf OUlgttg(ll Launched in 2OO9 by l7-year-old Russian-v r Andrey Ternovskiy, Chatroulette quicklygained huge momentum. lt is a simple premise:turn on your webcam, click the randomise buttonand you are connected to someone else, at random,anywhere in the world. When you're bored with theconversation, simply click randomise againand you're speaking to someone else.

Sadly, the site swiftly filled with webcams oflonely men doing what comes naturally andbecame an international ioke. Now bigger, andmore mature, it is a favourite once again. lt iscommon to leave it on at parties, or browse itin groups. Celebrities rumoured to have beenspotted include Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton,Ashton Kutcher and Justin Bieber.

You will still end up seeing a lot of things youdon't particularly want to see, but you will alsodiscover people you'd never normally speak to,and will genuinely learn something new.

SEPTEMBER 2011(t[233